When and as I see myself reacting to something I am reading, I stop, breathe, realize that everything that exists is in fact coming from the same substance and what I react to is just a point from which I have separated myself from or wish to separate myself from, instead I see realize and understand that my participation in feelings and emotions is just a point I use to experience myself as energy and so I stop through breathing until I no longer have reactions within me as me
When and as I see myself not wanting to read a news because 'it's just too much', I stop, breathe, see and realize that I am not reading news to participate in negative emotions that prove that I am Good because 'I feel bad' about it, I am reading the news to expand myself to include everything that exists as me, beyond labels of good or bad, beautiful or ugly, right or wrong, and that whatever I see outward that is not in fact supporting Life as what is best for All, I can seek it inside of myself to self correct to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All
When and as I see myself discounting 'breathing' because I'm too busy holding my breath to get through some of the horror news of our times, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, remind myself that I am moving into an energetic experience that I use to justify why I am breathless, I can instead stop myself and breathe as a self willed act of self support, until I no longer feel friction or separation regarding what I am reading, which is but a consequence of how we created this reality from fear and self interest and why we are standing to correct ourselves
When and as I see myself wanting to 'take a step away from an event' to underline how I could have never done that', about what I am reading and the person who did it to which I feel superior, better then, I stop, breathe, realize that as The Mind I was just luckier to not have the same life experiences and genes that would take on such extremes, but I have gone to extremes in my mind and the fact that I didn't get to play them out doesn't make me better than anyone who did as the pressure valves of existence, just Equal in the Mind fuckupedness that we are standing to self correct, take self responsibility for and leave behind for good
When and as I see myself wanting to judge myself as 'bringer of bad news' meaning something that may make someone sad vs a news that may make someone happy, I see realize and understand that what I am doing is supporting their mind as feelings and emotions, as positivity vs negativity, so I too can get to feel rewarded with a positive experience of myself as being good vs being bad for being the supporter of 'good experiences/feelings' and not the party pooper depressing 'in touch with reality' one
I commit myself to finding the points within me where I have separated reality through morality of good and bad, right and wrong, leading to judgements of what is in separation from myself and to correct myself by deleting my 'stances' as opinions and judgements so that I can walk this creation as one in and as breath and not as a reactive tool of The Mind
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself reaching or about to reach the 'enough already' point, o stand up, breathe, bring myself back to the physical, realize I have gone lost into the Mind or I could not be approaching the 'enough already' point in any give moment and keep breathing until I am back here in and as breath, no longer reacting
I commit myself to stop dividing news into good/positive news and bad/negative news, as this is an energetic classification of how I experience myself when I do read or engage in something and is based on the stored information I live as me which are charged and divided by my own definitions in 'what is good and what is bad which will give me an experience of either positive or negative, both of which are not real and not representing what is in fact here in the Physical as a point that simply needs my self correction about my judgements/opinion/idea/charge, that I need to investigate to equalize myself to
I commit myself to stop judging myself for speaking the common sense of what is best for all, which is not something just grandiose such as feed everyone, but each situation, point, moment as an expression of myself has a 'Best for All' moment, and I commit myself to find it and simply express it as me within the simplicity of Breath as me as self expression.
I'm experiencing resistance to reading the news, I'm tired of bad news and I can't seem to find the Good news anymore, where did they go?
Since I started to walk with Desteni and my world took a 360 degree turn I went from the happy go lucky stoned positive thinker to reading daily the World News with a grave heart.
I don't enjoy it one bit.
Some days, like these days, I experience myself as just wanting to say 'Enough already, I had enough, get me some cute stories about mommy bears and teddy bears because 'everyone needs a break now and then', how are we supposed to function within all 'this negativity' ?
This is my backchat, the one I want to suppress because really, is the world stopping the 'bad news' just because we stop reading them?
And Why do I experience myself this way if not because I have just moved polarity, from the carefree 'devilmaycare' attitude to the Character " I have to become Responsible = which I equate with boring and depressed, deep people are like that, never a dull moment or a moment of breath"
Funny because what we ALWAYS talk about within Desteni is Breath, Breathe, Breathing, but I'm too busy being responsible and deep for that, I have to raise my eyebrow and tut tut at the World and what is happening everywhere, this is what responsible people do, they struggle, they realize Life is a Bitch and then you Die.
So, how do I redefine this word 'responsible' so as to not be a Character that I drag around and drags me around until I get to the 'Enough Already' and desire to go on a binge of some kind to 'take a break'?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being 'responsible' as being boring, a drag, a party pooper, someone in touch with the 'negative' part of he world and someone whose company is Not desirable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be responsible as a Duty, as a Character I embody through all the definitions I gave to responsibility, as being dull, annoying, and ultimately just a drag nobody can live with consistently, because then I should 'shoot myself'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I would rather shoot myself than live as a responsible being forever, within my own definition of responsibility as always looking at the 'negative, dull, boring, experiencing only the 'sad' side of existence just to make a point with others, to show them how deep I truly am that I can take on me such a Character and embody it for What is Best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when reading some blogs always hammering this fucking responsibility point as something sublime we should aspire to as the ultimate purpose for living, when I in fact experience this responsibility as a drag, obnoxious, dull and essentially negative experience
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that Change can take place only within responsibility and that responsibility is not a Character but me as a response-able being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a negative charge on the word 'responsibility' so I would make sure never to be 'attracted' by it but to flee it at any possible given chance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my responsibility to feel the negativity of the world as my own experience because this proves that I am not shallow and disconnected from reality but I am into it as deep as I could be, drowning in it until I perceive everything around me as my own experience of existence being shitty and negative
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a timer that goes off when I tell myself 'enough already' as I experience myself within uncomfortability, blaming my experience of uncomfortability on Life and what is going on out there since I never get to read some 'good news' about this world or Reality, instead of seeing and realizing my experience of myself is not determined by what is happening outward but what is happening inward
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too busy with negative/bad news to make myself responsible to breathe, because who has time to breathe and get lost in such a menial task such as breathing when I am so busy getting involved with world event and categorizing them as negative, negative, negative, until I can't take it anymore
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define world events as negative and placing a negative charge on them according to how I feel when I read the news and when I feel bad/negative I justify myself that 'how else could I feel reading such news' because I still value how I feel as a way to define myself as alive and on what side of the divide I stand, with the positive thinkers or the negative readers of negative news?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with a knot in my stomach when I read about violence, abuses, war, poverty, rape, because I believe that unless I feel bad and knot up I am No Good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being responsible means accepting to feel bad in opposition to my suppressed desire to feel good that I have honed and cultivated for most of my life and I have not yet completely released
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a 'good life' as 'feeling good and having good experiences' instead of defining life as what is best for all at all times
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that unless I feel bad I am not responsible, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that my responsibility toward life is to stop my existence as the Mind as that's where I live out my separation and self interest toward everything that exists
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect responsibility ad blame and since I am no longer blaming others for this world I am left with blaming myself which leads to my experience of the negative emotion of blame, which is still a Mind Job that I am doing because I have not yet accepted that Life is not defined by feeling ad emotions but by my being Here in and as Breath and not lost in my Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad because I am consulting a company where someone is possibly stealing and I am battling with my desire to be good and not give the advice to get rid of them because this is bad news and I would like to not contribute to the bad news of this world so I can be good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie in bed obsessed with what is the best advice to give to this company, where I can see myself coming out clean out of the unpleasant deed of having to speak what I see that is not what is best for all, because someone who is abusing their partners out of their good faith should be banned from the company so he may have some time to rethink if abuse is how he wants to live by
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike banning, unfriending and firing people even when the abuse is clear, because I hate being the bringer of bad news because I desire to be good and I equate bad news and me as the bringer of bad news as not being good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that unless I lie in bed in total stress playing out all the possible scenarios I won't be able to address a business decision responsibly in the moment because I don't trust myself to be able to speak what is best for all without first 'thinking about it'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am responsible for the consequences of another, instead of seeing and realizing I am responsible for how I participate within this reality and if I stand to speak out the consequences one has woven out for themselves I am not being irresponsible because I did not consider his family and how he will support himself but he has been irresponsible by not thinking about his family and how he will support himself when he stole and did what he did within his mandate of responsibilities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate the stress relative to what is going on with me that I perceive as negative, because I believe that if I experience something negative, I am negative as in bad, because this is what I believed when I was a positive thinkers about the responsible party poopers such as I see myself in this moment, and I don't want to write about my 'negativity'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame how I feel on the news, on this business consultation that I am giving that may have a 'negative' outcome as the source of how I experience myself instead of correcting all my self definitions of what it is that I believe is making me experience myself in this way until I go back to being stable in and as Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to write about this point because I told myself I would write about it when I am resolved about it, instead of seeing and realizing I cannot resolve anything until I am reacting and I am obviously reacting to having to give a business advice because I have started to judge business advices that may lead to someone losing their job as negative and bad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel negative about this business advice because, since I am not paid for it, I don't see it as my responsibility to give the best advice but I see it as what is best for me to do, considering nobody is rewarding me for taking on such a shitty position as the one that speaks the truth about a simple business operation such as this one is, such as 'people who steal from their partners and screw up all papers to cover their tracks and have not considered that what they stole they stole it from other 3 people who have families too to support and go tight every month so the stealing partner can splurge and live above his wage, should be fired' - period
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to polarize my existence into good and bad, into feeling and emotions, accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is 'normal' to feel a certain way when something that is objectively negative takes place, instead of seeing and realizing that within this existence there is nothing objective taking place but just myself experiencing the polarity of my mind which I am stopping and self correcting through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.
My mum has been staying for a couple of days, she is 72 but very alert, no Alzheimer or Dementia, which would be points that would allow me to ease off out of this Character that I saw myself step into when I have to 'repeat Myself', because I could use HER Dementia to "Excuse Her" for having me repeating myself over and over.
Basically today I experienced a reaction after the 3rd time she made me repeat something, and I had a quiet backchat going but it still was there, and it went like this "come on, how many times do I have to repeat this, why don't you get it, what's wrong with you, why are you not catching what I said, how many more times do I have to repeat myself?'
I did not voice this out aloud, but my tone changed and so my mum perceived my annoyance and said " if you asked me the same thing for 3 times I would not be impatient like you" to which I had to add 'you don't know that, right? Because I never make you repeat yourself soo many times', because obviously I had to have a come back line to prove I was right in my reaction as impatience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to having to repeat myself because someone did not catch what I meant to say the first time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the impatience of others when I asked to repeat something and for disliking the experience of feeling responsible for the impatience of another that I live in fear of asking someone to 'repeat themselves'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself within a negative polarity if someone doesn't catch what I said the first time, because if I had communicated effectively they would have, should have, which I perceive and judge as me not being effective at communicating which makes me feel bad about myself and desire to blame it on another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the backchat 'why don't you understand what I said, how many times I have to repeat myself' as the Character 'don't make me repeat myself', instead of just breathing, stopping the backchat and looking at why she did not understand what I said and how could I deliver the information she was seeking in another way until she got it, without having to make a fuss out of it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is normal to be impatient when I have to repeat myself because grown ups do it to children, they did it to me, and so now that I am a grown up it is my turn to be impatient with those that make me repeat myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for faults in another that asks me to 'repeat myself' because I judge myself as not having been effective, move into the negative experience of myself and then see for the shift through blame to restore myself into the 'positive experience of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ones that don't get an information at the first go as 'slow and stupid' and for judging myself as 'slow and stupid when I have not understood something at the first go
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to the ones that have to ask 'sorry, can you repeat', because in that moment I move into comparison and see myself having 'got it at the first go' as better and more than them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself when I do not get something at the first go, because I fear others will compare themselves to me and see themselves as superior, while it's me moving into the experience of inferiority in fear of judgement as self judgement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Time is Money and therefore when my Time is consumed by having to repeat myself I move into 'you are costing me' Character as Impatience, in which, since I am the one transferring the information I am the one losing within the transaction because I am both the more knowledgeable and the one 'wasting time' as my time is Not returning to me Money or a positive experience as the positive feedback of succesful transfer of information at the first go
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to step into the Impatience Character as I move into and as The Mind, evaluating time as Money as what I am losing within a transaction that is repeating itself for which I do not perceive myself being rewarded for
I forgive myself for accepting and alowing myself to desire to not address all of my reactions because some are small and I can deceive myself that I did not 'really' react, because it did not lead to a blow up, instead of seeing and realizing that I write daily for the purpose of supporting myself to address every and any reaction I have during the day, big or small, until I no longer react to anything in my world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that patience is something I can 'lose' as if patience is something that I have as an experience of myself in separation from myself, instead of seeing patience as who I am and living the word patience One and equal to me, within the simplicity of breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access this Character 3 times today, because I was not willing to acknowledge my first 'small' reaction and so I have to push myself to repeat and repeat until I get it, which is ironically what I am pissed about with my mum, as I am pissed with myself for 'having made myself repeat myself' because I did not get it the first time and just stopped it with and as Breath until I could apply Sf and write out my self Corrective application
When and as I see myself starting to get annoyed, about to get annoyed, on the step of annoyement for having to 'repeat myself' I stop and breathe, look at WHAT is it that I am repeating about myself that I did not get the first time around, Breathe to stabilize myself and do not allow myself to access the Character 'don't make me repeat myself' in the obnoxious patronizing stance and tone of voice this Character offers, instead I refrain from speaking, until I no longer see the reaction inside of me, to make sure I don't move into automatic Character Play but that I can stabilize myself and express myself outside of any energy movement
I commit myself to stop allowing and accepting myself to become 'annoyed' for repeaing myself as the Character 'don't make me repeat myself', especially with myself, since my mum was just showing me that I was in fact looping the same reaction point over and over, and that when I do catch myself repeating myself into the same reaction that I have NOT addressed and taken responsibility for, I stop, I breathe, bring myself back Here and Correct Myself in the moment so as to not have to board the stupidity loop of repeating myself again and again, until I get it.
I commit myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and common sense such as giving to another the attention and time required to communicate effectively without moving into energetic experiences as I see this is What is best for me and What is Best for All.
So, part of my annoyance with the point I wrote about yesterday brought forward his Character, the "I'm not That Kind of Woman' Character.
It is a preposterous statement from someone who has been All kind of Women and is a Character that doesn't have a clear idea of what kind of woman I am not, according to the occasion I'm just Not "That Kind of Woman" that someone is showing to not like/prefer/ admire or want to count among their friends, there, I am not THAT one, I am the Other One, the one that is liked, preferred, admired and wanted among your friends.
As we walk looking at the Characters we created it's amazing how we can keep up the act, oh wait, we can't, this is why we are going mental, suffer from depression, find all possible alternative therapies to cure the existential dis-ease that we have, our personality dis-orders, in which we lose the ability to manage the crowd in an orderly manner, like an Orchestra Director having to deal with musicians who have lost the plot and are now attempting to blow into violins or drum on trumpets, really, how long can we keep up the act?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the expression 'that kind of woman' with a negative charge, based on how I perceived the expression 'those kind of women' charged by the people who used it to diminish other women and ostracize them as 'not belonging to our group', when I was a child and later on in my teen years
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I'm not that kind of woman' even though I am not even clear about what kind of woman I am not, having failed to notice that if I were not 'that' kind of woman as all the woman kinds I have listed as not 'being like that' I wouldn't even exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not be 'that kind of woman' as in the woman that I perceive is not liked, appreciated, desired, admired and thought well of by others, failing to see that I exist as if the opinion others have over me is more important than just being me, here in and as self expression within the simplicity of Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than 'that kind of woman' not better identified but some kind of woman that I perceive is under criticism in a moment and to which I don't want to be associated
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I am not that kind of woman' as the kind that seduces a man who is younger, like a cougar, according to the new disparaging definition of 'such a woman', when in fact in my life I have been that kind of woman having lovers 20 years younger than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uppity and self righteous when I fear that someone might have made up their mind about me as being 'that kind of woman' and for wanting to prove them wrong because if I can prove them wrong I won't have to experience myself as 'that kind of woman' as a negative judgement in diminishment and shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I become 'that kind of woman' in someone's mind is a problem, when 'that kind of woman' is only defined by me within my mind which means I am having a problem with me and not with the judgement of another, as I am only making up the judgement of another in my mind as I project a situation about myself and 'that kind of woman' as a woman that is -hopefully- less than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file the definition of 'that kind of woman' as negative as in no good and I don't want to be or be thought or judged as a woman that is no good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called 'that kind of woman' even if just in the mind of someone around me and for trying to prove that I am NOT 'that kind of woman, doing things that make me feel ridiculous and pathetic as I battle with the imaginary dragons and phoenixes in my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the expression 'that kind of woman' to diminish another woman in my own eyes and the eyes of others and rule out any competition that could lead me to lose out in comparison to their beauty and or attractiveness or a point within which I perceived myself as 'inferior' to them, that now includes youth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the world in this kind of women and 'that kind of women' leaving the category of those kind of women always open for updates and corrections to suit my perceived inferiorities so I could come out the winner in my imaginary competitions of and as the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when resorting to the thought I am not 'that kind of woman' because to not be that kind of woman I first had to participate in a judgement about 'what kind of woman that woman was' and then separate myself from the judgement I made as me being better than that Kind of woman, instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I have been all kind of women at all times and I stand Equal to every Woman that I have ever met or will ever meet
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that when someone dislikes me or takes a distance from me, there is something wrong with me and he must have associated me with 'that kind of woman' which I desire to not be just because I don't want to experience the rejection and the judgement that is usually reserved for 'that kind of woman' to now be linked to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR to be 'that kind of woman', as the woman who is judged and pushed on the side of society because she is not fit to be part of the 'creme de la creme' because she is 'that kind of woman', the kind whose judgement we leave open and undefined to fit all possible situations and find a replacement and a walk in to any potential rejection
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected by others, instead of seeing and realizing that I have always and only feared my own rejection based on my own self judgement of myself as someone that in a specific moment stepped out of a line of acceptable behaviour and into the realm of 'that kind of woman' who took it on herself to now be ostracized and pushed out of the group
When and as I see myself desiring to use the expression 'that kind f woman' or thinking about the expression 'that kind of woman', I stop, Breathe, I ask myself what 'kind of woman' am I thinking or desiring to speak about as a way to not be associated with what I fear to be me, or have judged to be me and then I commit myself to write out the point to release myself from my own self judgements and fears regarding being rejected or pushed out of a group
I commit myself to investigate my fear of rejection and to flag myself to see when I step into the desire to separate myself from other women through the expression 'that kind of woman', so I can correct myself to stand as any kind of woman anytime beyond my self judgement based on morality and cultural beliefs that I may still harbour within and as me
I commit myself to no longer participate in and as the Character that says/thinks about other women as 'that kind of woman' as that is a point of separation that is not best for me or best for all and within this I commit myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All deleting this Character once and for All
Among the jobs I have been trying out to make some money to support myself, one is therapeutic massage.
So far I had 3 men coming, one is my ex of 25 years ago, and one my caretaker and his friend.
My ex had warned me that the word 'massage' in Italy is loaded with double entendre because many ladies coming from poor countries and having to find a way to make a living have imported 'massage' as the /code word' for sex. Of course I took into no account what he said because I don't like this vision of the world where men ONLY think about sex, even when they have a crippling neck pain to fix, resorted to a make belief 'common sense' about needs (to fix a painful spot) over urges (sex) and went about my 'business'.
A few turn of events since then: the caretaker is 'fixed' but he told me that 'he likes me' I did not address the point as it came out as a joke that I could avoid to address, his friend felt that since I have touched his naked back he could ask me if I had lesbian experiences, the third one that I ventured on, the guy who is selling my home and told me he had a very bad pain in the back to which I replied 'if you want I can give you a massage', has disappeared and has been avoiding me consistently.
The last time he had a message for me he asked the secretary to call me, having read my 'give you a massage' as a cougar on the attack and trying to shy away from it.
This is My thought obviously which gave me a feeling of shame, so I went about trying to fix this because we had a nice relationship going and he would sometime come up for coffee, so I wrote him an sms to tell him something about a missed appointment and then wrote 'if you are advertising for me for therapeutic massage to men, stop, there is something flawed in the Italian men's mind when the word 'massage' comes up', trying to blame him for how I experienced myself as a cougar on the attack, he did not reply, which basically expanded the feeling that I was pathetic and made the situation worse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face that we have a deep problem going on between men and women that leads to miscommunication that are sex laced even when we do not intend to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that if a man is oiled into a massage by a woman on his naked back, he may not be able to stop his sexual thoughts due to the oversexualized system we live in and that unless I take responsibility for the possible consequences of this happening, I should move on to doing something else instead of insisting that they 'do not do that thing they do in their mind and just 'control themselves'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and stupid because by offering a massage to this guy I believe I have exposed myself to be seen as a 'cougar on the attack' and for perceiving that I lost any credibility as a 'good woman' now that these unspoken thoughts have entered our relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame men because everything that goes on between men and women turns into sex in their mind, instead of seeing and realizing we were all preprogrammed into an over-sexualized world and now we are walking the consequences of not having addressed the point that sex is always in the way of communication between men and women because we have done nothing to change the way we communicate with each other and come clean about these problems we have
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended at how this guy reacted by disappearing and for taking it personally, instead of seeing and realizing he is trying to avoid a potential point of conflict that has arisen between us, due to me using the word 'massage' in a country where 'massage' has become synonymous with sex, just because I don't want to face the reality of how things are
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because this guy is avoiding me, meaning that he is scared that I would make a pass at him as in sex, meaning he doesn't want to have sex with me and this makes me feel diminished as old and no longer attractive, even if having sex with him was in no way in my mind when I offered the massage
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I believed I was the cause of having created this friction, situation of dis-ease, instead of just seeing I have misused a word without considering the consequences and I did not correct myself when I saw that when I spoke the word "massage", he went into immediate tension and uneasiness as we were drinking coffee together but I hoped it would go away when he would have time to 'think about it'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a 'come back' at him, to blame him for what I believe is going on in his Mind on which I have no control, because I believe that the reason why I experience myself the way I feel has to do with what goes on in his Mind that I wanted to correct instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is what is going on in My Mind that I need to correct and STOP
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this new character as 'The Therapeutic Masseuse' that believes to have "carte blanche" to cross over the cultural and gender problems we have, instead of seeing that a New Character cannot correct old beliefs, but I have to dig out what are the beliefs that separate us as Men and Women and take responsibility for my words and the consequences they create
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to belittle this guy by telling him 'there is something wrong in the Mind of Italian Men -you included-' so I can avoid to take responsibility for my words spoken out of the desire to expand my 'client' base and not in consideration of another as an Equal, having the same Equal problems that I have going on in my mind regarding relationship with men and hidden sexuality charges
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this play out because I want to only consider the point that I REALLY was not looking for sex and I have been misunderstood, instead of seeing my responsibility as the words I have spoken without consideration for the consequences they could have within the moment I shared with another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not address this point when I perceived this guy had moved into a state of uncomfortability because I lacked the words to bring this point up and as he became uncomfortable I became ashamed and retreated in myself into the Character 'what kind of woman do you think I am?', such as a woman wanting sex out of context with a married guy much younger than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I went through this experience of myself through my own self judgement about 'the kind of woman I would like to be and be perceived as' such as NOT a woman molesting younger men for sex and that it is because I believe that this is what He thought about me that I built this all castle of cards that built up into my desire to rectify the situation just so I ended up feeling more pathetic than before I tried to manipulate my way out of how I felt
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about 'what he thought about me' and for fearing 'his new judgement of me as a sex crazed cougar in disguise' and that based on this ass-umption I made in my mind I moved myself into an energetic reaction for which I did not want to take responsibility for
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for this energetic reaction because I wanted to insist on my innocence throughout this exchange which doesn't make me responsible in my mind 'because I am not the one who started it', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that who started doesn't matter and that I have to take care of my energetic reactions and participation in and as the Mind to correct myself to do my part to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All
I commit myself to correct myself for each point in which I participate in and as an energetic reaction not allowing myself to justify myself with 'I did not start this' or "I Really didn't mean it the way they took it''
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving into a state of uncomfortability regarding a point, to stop, write myself out so as to not build up bullshit that I then act out on just so I keep the damage going in my clumsy attempts at 'damage control'
I commit myself to, when and as i see myself that something is bothering me, to not discount it because 'it's not my fault if someone took what I said the wrong way' but to investigate why am I reacting and taking personally someone else's reaction toward me and my words and to correct myself for my own reactions
I commit myself to, before I speak, consider the implications of the moment and the consequences of my words and the impact of my words on others, see that I am clear and only then speak, because words Matter and I commit myself to realign my words to become substantial and an expression of who I am and not the blabbering of consequence free characters made up by my own imagination.
I followed Abraham's teachings for over 10 years, I bought all the videos, books and tapes available and brainwashed myself with them, literally.
I had to make a few changes in my life to keep up with Positive Thinking, for example I would not allow negative thinkers around me and would blame them for 'bringing the tone of the positive' down, so to speak, like in mathematics, if you have positive numbers to which you add negative numbers, the positive numbers decrease, so if I was a +10 and my friends a -7 and I ended up being a +3, it was obviously Their Fault.
I went to a few events as well, Houston & San Antonio Texas, a venue I believed I manifested in perfect synchronicity with one of my husband unplanned business trips, during which we had a terrible fight and he boarded a plane to return home a few days before Abraham's meeting.
During his flight back home he lost his luggage where his treasured toothbrush was, since he was particular about brushing his teeth I could imagine the stress with a certain pleasure, there you go dear, see what negative thinking does to you. When you are a Positive thinker it's cool to look down at the miseries of the negative thinkers 'thinking' that they are doing that to themselves, boyohboy, when will they ever learn.
It was an easy ship to board, and I can call it a ship with reason, I joined their cruise program to Mexico on this Positive Wave/The Secret craze.
Then I decided that since this was my daily bread I should take it as far as I could, go on a deserted island and manifest money out of nothing to prove that it worked and then teach others how to do it.
It actually Did Not work, I spent all my Money in 4 years and while I pushed and strived to stay positive reality took a while to sink in, I saw as well, just recently how those Teachings diminished me, as I believed basically that my hard work in the physical real world was worth nothing and that making money was the resut not of having consistently aligned myself to the system and having worked my ass off, but simply of me being good at manifesting, at positive thinking, I scuffed my physical life and my physical participation for my Mind bullshit.
The landing was not an easy one, considering that I went from positive thinking to the realization 'there is something terribly wrong with this world' first and then to Desteni, which would have been for me living on "charges' just about as polarized as one could get into a lifetime, Desteni being on the extreme 'negative' polarity of the spectrum, otherwise called 'in touch with reality' I thought that I would not survive the stretch either, that I would snap in half and that would be the end of me.
It's been over a year since I started walking with Desteni and applying their tools, two days ago I watched Abraham again, in a video called 'The Biggest Missing Piece' I used to really always get a kick out of the channelings and discount everything I saw when someone opposed the teachings as 'them, not getting it', this time this is what I noticed:
A man exposed very clearly his distress about The World and what is going on, which would equate phase 2 of my life, he is still lacking phase 3, Desteni, because he has not yet heard about us, maybe our messages will reach him this way. Basically he woke up to the shithole of this existence and was not taking any positive chit chat for an answer
Things Abraham did that I did not notice before:
sympathized with the man, told him 'yes you are right we are not denying what you are saying, horrific things are indeed going on everywhere', the 'WE' hit me for the first time, because 'WE' means there is more of 'Us' than 'Yous' -and they always said there are more than 100 entities channeling through One voice as Abraham-, and 'We' is usually granted to Royalty that speak as 'We', for the same reason, because more of us means more than One of You, in case you didn't get the superiority point through the "Channeling Act" or 'the Royalty title" itself.
The apparent equalizing was another way to level the play field but the 'WE' staid so there could be no real leveling or equalizing for real.
The man went on exposing in a very articulate manner what he saw in the world and how disgusted he was by it all, the cameras took in the people in the background, a typical channeling bunch, of lifeless uncomfortable lot that didn't know how to respond, some sneered, because after all they were paying money for the 'good feeling' and like me with my friends they wanted no 'party pooper' around that brought in reality into the equation as the effort to float above reality takes some consistency, being reality everywhere and hard to avoid.
Through an absolute unrelated gimmick he was taken on a Death trip to Heaven, to remind him that there is death if all else fail, be patient, and then on a closing that was rushed into 'your choice my man, I have a really good story here that gives you joy but you want to insist on reality? - Let's be clear that I have not failed you, the story stands, it's YOU no longer willing to believe it hei- remember where to place the blame when you'll review our little chat."
It was painful to watch, the point is, is it true that 'We can't handle The truth'? Is the fear of the Truth of this existence and ourselves that is making us seek the unbelievable ad then make us beLieve it, what if we woke up to the state of this world to do what is required to create a Life that is Best for All?
Wouldn't that be what we say we want, so what are we waiting for looking for obvious Mind games vs reality, because get this, Reality is Not going away just because we don't focus on it, Reality is Here to stay, how else could we face what went wrong with our Creation and make an existential correction that starts with Each One of us?
There is the question to ask about Why we believe the stories told by The Positive Thinking Teachers and if we can become self honest about it we can say, because we mainly deal with negative thoughts and emotions as the experience of ourselves that we cannot explain or make sense of, we spend the first years of our lives trying to find reasons and meaning to both this Creation, for which we have no clear memories telling us how the fuck did we get here and why, and the mechanics of how we experience ourselves, one of the main oppositions we find to the Desteni Message is people fearing to leave behind 'emotions and feelings' and yet we looked for so long to make sense of them, which is the point where Abraham fits in neatly, when you say, "emotions and feelings are your guidance system", everything seems to make sense, there you go, we are on a Treasure Hunt and they forgot to tell us how to move around, got it, follow the good feelings back Home. Pity it was and is all just a big fat (expensive) Lie.
Check out #EqualMoney for a solution that will change Reality for All in reality and not in our dis-eased Minds seeking for solace in a world that truly doesn't make sense.
I have done lots of Sf for my involvement with LOA, I will apply SF for/as Esther's Role in this Character Creation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question an entity that told me that all is well in this world when it was clear that it is not
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an alter ego as a Sub Personality that takes over as 'Chaneling' that says things I can not take responsibility for because 'I am not there'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question the point of the Economics/Monetary System in this world as a source of suffering because Abraham said that we each chose our Life experience even though I would not have chosen a life of misery, war, starvation, murder or rape for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and alowing myself to let go of mine and Jerry's Common Sense about wanting to know about the Whys of the "Wrongs of the World" and for accepting and allowing an entity whose purpose we didn't question because the message 'felt good' to con-vince us that 'that was not out work' as that we didn't have to take responsibility for this world as Our Creation, as One
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to believe that we deserved to stay at the Westin and
have the best food and the best life while others did not because I
justified the existence of suffering as having made the "wrong/different choice" up
in heaven before they reincarnated that resulted in a shitty life that no one could possibly wish for
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question Death and the anomaly of it in a world of Joy, not even when my lifelong partner crossed over and I was devastated by grief because I have to stick to my story that Death is Fun and we just 'don't get it'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide that my partner Jerry had cancer for many months because we could not come up with a good explanation about the fact that we each choose how to exit the physical and yet Jerry was sick and in pain for months having to go through Chemotherapy like everyone else that is Cancer striken in the world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie about the sickness of Jerry attributing it first to a spider bite that magically turned into leukemia and for lying about seeking treatment with stem cells in South Korea, because this would have made us 'normal people' trying everything to stay alive haveing a dreadful Fear of Death, and not the Joyful Deliberate Creators that looked forward to the transition into the non -physical through the fun experience of 'croaking'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I become a Beacon of Joy through having All My desires fulfilled, then this will create opportunities for the world at large to align to well being, even though I have been telling the same story consistently for over 20 years and the world has become worse and yet I did not bother to have a Reality Check because My Reality worked out just fine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the consequences of a message that glorifies Death in a sick and sickening world, where we made Death look so glamourous that people may believe it is a cool way out, such as Karen, the lady that suffered from grave depression and ended up committing suicide after which we deleted her from the Forums because it gives the wrong impression of the joyful croaking transition into non physical - and maybe of our responsibility in it as she took our words about Death being so cool that she could not wait to experience it-
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not really Hear what the Distressed man brought to the table which could have been my chance to question The Truth of this Mess-Age I am spreading for over 20 years, because I was too busy keeping up the act that gives me a living and without which I would no longer know Who I Am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not Hear the Common Sense of the Words of a Man that exposed the inconsistency between reality and the Message of Law of Attraction, targeting only the Few that have already access to a world of well being, having enough to either attend the seminars and buy books and tapes, which means they have food as well and a roof over their head and an education that allows them to read or access the message in some way, vs the world at large where 2.5 billion people don't have access to sanitation and 1 billion is starving and or malnourished as we write
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and belittle the man who raised some much important questions regarding the state of the world, because not belittling him would mean belittling me and my message and this cannot happen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell the story that the 'Secret behind The Secret' is me and my 'original Message of wellbeing and 'You can have it if you Want it' when in truth the Secret is that in an obviously finite universe where resources are limited if you take more than you need, someone will have to go without, which is what is shown to us in the increase of poverty and starvation since law of Attraction was introduced and practiced
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insist that these are the best of Times for 'Shifts to Happen' and only rarely add that they are 'The Worse of Times too', not making the connection that it must be if everything exists within polarity and that increasing the pulling of the Positive will have to create an increase on the Negative, and that is fine, as long as the Negative happens somewhere remote where we can't find a correlation to 'that thing we do' as we participate in the positive Polarity of The Mind for our own selfish and self centered reasons
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that now that Jerry is gone and I no longer have a sounding board to confirm that everything I say is true, everything may come tumbling down if I engage in depth questions such as the gentleman's questions about The State of the world for too long, and I will be exposed as a fraud in the best case or a mental case at worst
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear facing the Reality of this World and the Suffering that exists because this would invalidate my whole Life's work and Myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'Abraham's Channeler' and friend.