Day 246: Why don't YOU Change? - Character

World as a Mirror..

A lady in her seventies is coming to me for corrective massage, I have learned massage in Asia and I know how to fix most postural problems, not for good of course, as that can only be fixed by the one who created it in the first place, but as a bridge, as a relief to pain and as support to the body. 

The first time she took off her corset and I saw her back my first thought was 'you must be joking', she had an extremely pronounced chronic hunchback and as I discovered as days went by, matched by an unparalleled irritating departure from reality.

She asked me, at 70, if I can make her attractive again, enough to find a man when her husband shall day, in possibly 10 years time. Yeap sure, let me take out my magic wand, the hat and the fairy dust.

The desire to be attractive having defined Beauty as being "alive" I can relate to as it is very culturally drilled into our minds as children, to 'live' for beauty in Italy, and for this not having it, losing it, is for sure a huge sense of loss, of diminishment, something I have been clear about not being able to 'give back to her' in any possible way.

The one point though that is driven home now everyday for more than a week, is the danger of embodying Personalities and how, when we forget they are just Characters we have ourselves created, the danger of remaining trapped at the price of giving up one's health, one's physical integrity as the body de-forms under the weight of the structural changes demanded by our participation in and as the Mind. She played the 'sick woman' for so long that now that she would like to Stop, as she has self honestly admitted she is aware of doing that', she doesn't know how to.

I have my own experience of a Jekyll and Hide Life, of em-body-ing Characters and I am still walking some of the consequences, in fact part of the irritation I allowed myself to feel yesterday was due to this, as I projected on her the irritation I have for myself as I keep playing one specific self harming character I will write about in my next posts, the Binge Eater, and it manifested in a backchat on the lines of 'Why don't YOU change, why do you walk away from my home everyday feeling OK and then walk back into your toxic Life sucking Character, why don't YOU at 70 show Me how it's done, stop your Hide Character, I expect you can do so, I spend my mornings re-programming your Mind, what else do you need to change, didn't you have enough pain, discomfort, haven't you made your body suffer enough, come on Lady!', which is just like the suppressed Self Talk I have with myself in the 'apparent' silence of my Mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with this lady and her self destructive Life, to not want to see the mirror experience she was offering as to where would some of my self destructive personalities lead me 20 years down the line, unless I change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to expect change from her because of what I believed I was investing in her as Change Tools and Support and for allowing myself yesterday to feel irritation because she has not Changed Yet as I expected, instead of seeing and realizing I was projecting on her the irritation I feel for myself and then suppress regarding why I have not changed some point where I see I still move into self destruction, just because I can Hide them and pretend they are not there and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be irritated and impatient with myself as I see realize and understand that when I experience irritation I then move my self destruction into Hiding, pretending it's not there, coming up with ever creative excuses about why my Change will start tomorrow, or Monday or on a specific date and within this accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my Change to my Mind to make sure I don't change because as the Mind I have no interest in Change and I am quite comfortable in running the same old same old programs no matter where they lead

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire other people to change to prove that I am good and that what I do is valuable and Life Changing, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I am wanting my own Change that I then project as a desire to see Change in others instead of standing for my own self change as an example that it is possible vs attempting changing others through coercion to show myself that They can change and so can I

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I have had disagreements with others based on the point that 'things should change between us' to expect and demand that They should Change first and not me and for finding excuses and reasons why the change of others should come before mine, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dread the mornings when this lady rings my bell in fear that I will have to face another day of No Change, where all the steps we took together the day before just reverted back to her old suffering self, and for not seeing realizing and understanding that I fear facing the point that everything can only change through a process of consistency and not the magical wand I secretly hoped I could use, if not on myself on others and for fearing having to walk consistently to accumulate change as a point that becomes Me as Change, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek value and purpose through imagining that I can change others, that I am so powerful that I can say the right things and for feeling disappointed because the expectations I had created inside of myself were dis-attended and I felt diminished by facing the point that I have no power to change others, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel responsible for the change in this lady just because she lives and thrives on shifting her responsibility for her life on others and even though I have tried to dodge this responsibility and give it back to her, there is an allure about it that I allowed myself to play with, which is the allure of power and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I want power over another I will have to take on the responsibility in their place which is impossible and not what is best for me or them either, and for toying with power vs self responsibility, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make other people responsible for my life, my well being and my health, just so I would not have to change myself and so I could blame others for me not changing, just like this lady is showing me, and for having blamed others for me not changing myself to realign to oneness and equality and what is best for all, no matter what, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for the life in Hide-ing I have lived and for justifying myself because 'I hurt nobody' and for within this considering myself equal to 'no-body' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with points in which I see myself, look for reasons why the Mirror is in fact Worse than me and in the specific for judging this lady as worse than me because I used to only harm myself while she takes prisoners on her journey, without considering that her prisoners are just as equal participants in the toxic games we play and that what I am doing is not looking to stand for the rights of the abused but for my right to feel superior as a 'lesser abusive person' and for judging others as a way to feel better about myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked 'promise you won't go away from Milan, if you promise to stay I can put more effort in healing' to feel burdened and resentful that someone is making their healing conditional on what I do and for making my healing conditional to what others do, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when interacting with a person I have judged as 'unsave-able' to use them as my excuse to lose interest in being Here, making them the reason why I am authorized to fly off in my mind, a far more interesting place than staying present in the moment as support to another as myself through our process of change while standing my ground in the Here-ness of Breath about their change being their responsibility and no one else's, such as My Own Change is My responsibility and No One Else's

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear this relationship as a tie that ties me down into something I am not yet able to see where it will lead and for fearing I took on more than I can handle given the physical condition of this lady which I have no clue if can be restored to health or not, I forgive myself

I commit myself to, Breathe through this interaction, do not accept and allow myself to participate in backchats however I see myself justifying my own departure from reality and to support this being as an equal and not as someone who has solutions for her that she cannot give to herself

I commit myself to, when I am done with her treatment, to stop thinking about it seeking for solutions, because I see realize and understand that this experience I am having is unprecedented like every moment in life unless I defined as 'something I have already lived' and as such there are no solutions my mind can offer however I may be tempted to seek there sifting through my past experiences, instead I commit myself to stay Here in and as Breathe and to address each point as it comes up in the moment

I commit myself to own up to what goes on inside of me regarding this relationship, as I see realize and understand that nothing that happens while I interact with this lady is 'her fault' but my own creation and I commit to correct myself until nothing moves inside of me as we interact so she can see what the stability that has eluded her all her life would be like and she too may consider not engaging in her Mind, which is the primary reason for her sickness and the massive antidepressant therapy she is on

I commit myself to stop expecting that she may recover, feel better, have a lasting change, have increasingly consistent less pain than when she started as I see realize and understand we are all walking in reverse through the pain of our lives and we can't walk out of pains that have become physical and chronic in a painless way, not because we are punishing ourselves or must suffer, but because chronic painful states walked out of in painless magic ways are just another figment of our 'wand-rous' imagination and have no relation to reality and what needs to be done to correct a physical problem in the physical and furthermore as I see realize and understand that some problems are determined by patterns and constructs we walk I commit myself to not take responsibility for her sliding in and out of her pattern but only to stop my own sliding in and out of my own patterns as I see realize and understand I am the only one I can change for real and no one else.

Day 152: The Untouchables & The Cougar

Among the jobs I have been trying out to make some money to support myself, one is therapeutic massage.

So far I had 3 men coming, one is my ex of 25 years ago, and one my caretaker and his friend.

My ex had warned me that the word 'massage' in Italy is loaded with double entendre because many ladies coming from poor countries and having to find a way to make a living have imported 'massage' as the /code word' for sex. Of course I took into no account what he said because I don't like this vision of the world where men ONLY think about sex, even when they have a crippling neck pain to fix, resorted to a make belief 'common sense' about needs (to fix a painful spot) over urges (sex) and went about my 'business'.

A few turn of events since then: the caretaker is 'fixed' but he told me that 'he likes me' I did not address the point as it came out as a joke that I could avoid to address, his friend felt that since I have touched his naked back he could ask me if I had lesbian experiences, the third one that I ventured on, the guy who is selling my home and told me he had a very bad pain in the back to which I replied 'if you want I can give you a massage', has disappeared and has been avoiding me consistently.

The last time he had a message for me he asked the secretary to call me, having read my 'give you a massage' as a cougar on the attack and trying to shy away from it.

This is My thought obviously which gave me a feeling of shame, so I went about trying to fix this because we had a nice relationship going and he would sometime come up for coffee, so I wrote him an sms to tell him something about a missed appointment and then wrote 'if you are advertising for me for therapeutic massage to men, stop, there is something flawed in the Italian men's mind when the word 'massage' comes up', trying to blame him for how I experienced myself as a cougar on the attack, he did not reply, which basically expanded the feeling that I was pathetic and made the situation worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face that we have a deep problem going on between men and women that leads to miscommunication that are sex laced even when we do not intend to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that if a man is oiled into a massage by a woman on his naked back, he may not be able to stop his sexual thoughts due to the oversexualized system we live in and that unless I take responsibility for the possible consequences of this happening, I should move on to doing something else instead of insisting that they 'do not do that thing they do in their mind and just 'control themselves'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and stupid because by offering a massage to this guy I believe I have exposed myself to be seen as a 'cougar on the attack' and for perceiving that I lost any credibility as a 'good woman' now that these unspoken thoughts have entered our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame men because everything that goes on between men and women turns into sex in their mind, instead of seeing and realizing we were all preprogrammed into an over-sexualized world and now we are walking the consequences of not having addressed the point that sex is always in the way of communication between men and women because we have done nothing to change the way we communicate with each other and come clean about these problems we have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended at how this guy reacted by disappearing and for taking it personally, instead of seeing and realizing he is trying to avoid a potential point of conflict that has arisen between us, due to me using the word 'massage' in a country where 'massage' has become synonymous with sex, just because I don't want to face the reality of how things are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because this guy is avoiding me, meaning that he is scared that I would make a pass at him as in sex, meaning he doesn't want to have sex with me and this makes me feel diminished as old and no longer attractive, even if having sex with him was in no way in my mind when I offered the massage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I believed I was the cause of having created this friction, situation of dis-ease, instead of just seeing I have misused a word without considering the consequences and I did not correct myself when I saw that when I spoke the word "massage", he went into immediate tension and uneasiness as we were drinking coffee together but I hoped it would go away when he would have time to 'think about it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a 'come back' at him, to blame him for what I believe is going on in his Mind on which I have no control, because I believe that the reason why I experience myself the way I feel has to do with what goes on in his Mind that I wanted to correct instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is what is going on in My Mind that I need to correct and STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this new character as 'The Therapeutic Masseuse' that believes to have "carte blanche" to cross over the cultural and gender problems we have, instead of seeing that a New Character cannot correct old beliefs, but I have to dig out what are the beliefs that separate us as Men and Women and take responsibility for my words and the consequences they create

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to belittle this guy by telling him 'there is something wrong in the Mind of Italian Men -you included-' so I can avoid to take responsibility for my words spoken out of the desire to expand my 'client' base and not in consideration of another as an Equal, having the same Equal problems that I have going on in my mind regarding relationship with men and hidden sexuality charges

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this play out because I want to only consider the point that I REALLY was not looking for sex and I have been misunderstood, instead of seeing my responsibility as the words I have spoken without consideration for the consequences they could have within the moment I shared with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not address this point when I perceived this guy had moved into a state of uncomfortability because I lacked the words to bring this point up and as he became uncomfortable I became ashamed and retreated in myself into the Character 'what kind of woman do you think I am?', such as a woman wanting sex out of context with a married guy much younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I went through this experience of myself through my own self judgement about 'the kind of woman I would like to be and be perceived as' such as NOT a woman molesting younger men for sex and that it is because I believe that this is what He thought about me that I built this all castle of cards that built up into my desire to rectify the situation just so I ended up feeling more pathetic than before I tried to manipulate my way out of how I felt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about 'what he thought about me' and for fearing 'his new judgement of me as a sex crazed cougar in disguise' and that based on this ass-umption I made in my mind I moved myself into an energetic reaction for which I did not want to take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for this energetic reaction because I wanted to insist on my innocence throughout this exchange which doesn't make me responsible in my mind 'because I am not the one who started it', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that who started doesn't matter and that I have to take care of my energetic reactions and participation in and as the Mind to correct myself to do my part to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to correct myself for each point in which I participate in and as an energetic reaction not allowing myself to justify myself with 'I did not start this' or "I Really didn't mean it the way they took it''

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving into a state of uncomfortability regarding a point, to stop, write myself out so as to not build up bullshit that I then act out on just so I keep the damage going in my clumsy attempts at 'damage control'

I commit myself to, when and as i see myself that something is bothering me, to not discount it because 'it's not my fault if someone took what I said the wrong way' but to investigate why am I reacting and taking personally someone else's reaction toward me and my words and to correct myself for my own reactions

I commit myself to, before I speak, consider the implications of the moment and the consequences of my words and the impact of my words on others, see that I am clear and only then speak, because words Matter and I commit myself to realign my words to become substantial and an expression of who I am and not the blabbering of consequence free characters made up by my own imagination. 

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