Day 152: The Untouchables & The Cougar

Among the jobs I have been trying out to make some money to support myself, one is therapeutic massage.

So far I had 3 men coming, one is my ex of 25 years ago, and one my caretaker and his friend.

My ex had warned me that the word 'massage' in Italy is loaded with double entendre because many ladies coming from poor countries and having to find a way to make a living have imported 'massage' as the /code word' for sex. Of course I took into no account what he said because I don't like this vision of the world where men ONLY think about sex, even when they have a crippling neck pain to fix, resorted to a make belief 'common sense' about needs (to fix a painful spot) over urges (sex) and went about my 'business'.

A few turn of events since then: the caretaker is 'fixed' but he told me that 'he likes me' I did not address the point as it came out as a joke that I could avoid to address, his friend felt that since I have touched his naked back he could ask me if I had lesbian experiences, the third one that I ventured on, the guy who is selling my home and told me he had a very bad pain in the back to which I replied 'if you want I can give you a massage', has disappeared and has been avoiding me consistently.

The last time he had a message for me he asked the secretary to call me, having read my 'give you a massage' as a cougar on the attack and trying to shy away from it.

This is My thought obviously which gave me a feeling of shame, so I went about trying to fix this because we had a nice relationship going and he would sometime come up for coffee, so I wrote him an sms to tell him something about a missed appointment and then wrote 'if you are advertising for me for therapeutic massage to men, stop, there is something flawed in the Italian men's mind when the word 'massage' comes up', trying to blame him for how I experienced myself as a cougar on the attack, he did not reply, which basically expanded the feeling that I was pathetic and made the situation worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face that we have a deep problem going on between men and women that leads to miscommunication that are sex laced even when we do not intend to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that if a man is oiled into a massage by a woman on his naked back, he may not be able to stop his sexual thoughts due to the oversexualized system we live in and that unless I take responsibility for the possible consequences of this happening, I should move on to doing something else instead of insisting that they 'do not do that thing they do in their mind and just 'control themselves'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and stupid because by offering a massage to this guy I believe I have exposed myself to be seen as a 'cougar on the attack' and for perceiving that I lost any credibility as a 'good woman' now that these unspoken thoughts have entered our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame men because everything that goes on between men and women turns into sex in their mind, instead of seeing and realizing we were all preprogrammed into an over-sexualized world and now we are walking the consequences of not having addressed the point that sex is always in the way of communication between men and women because we have done nothing to change the way we communicate with each other and come clean about these problems we have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended at how this guy reacted by disappearing and for taking it personally, instead of seeing and realizing he is trying to avoid a potential point of conflict that has arisen between us, due to me using the word 'massage' in a country where 'massage' has become synonymous with sex, just because I don't want to face the reality of how things are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because this guy is avoiding me, meaning that he is scared that I would make a pass at him as in sex, meaning he doesn't want to have sex with me and this makes me feel diminished as old and no longer attractive, even if having sex with him was in no way in my mind when I offered the massage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I believed I was the cause of having created this friction, situation of dis-ease, instead of just seeing I have misused a word without considering the consequences and I did not correct myself when I saw that when I spoke the word "massage", he went into immediate tension and uneasiness as we were drinking coffee together but I hoped it would go away when he would have time to 'think about it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a 'come back' at him, to blame him for what I believe is going on in his Mind on which I have no control, because I believe that the reason why I experience myself the way I feel has to do with what goes on in his Mind that I wanted to correct instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is what is going on in My Mind that I need to correct and STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this new character as 'The Therapeutic Masseuse' that believes to have "carte blanche" to cross over the cultural and gender problems we have, instead of seeing that a New Character cannot correct old beliefs, but I have to dig out what are the beliefs that separate us as Men and Women and take responsibility for my words and the consequences they create

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to belittle this guy by telling him 'there is something wrong in the Mind of Italian Men -you included-' so I can avoid to take responsibility for my words spoken out of the desire to expand my 'client' base and not in consideration of another as an Equal, having the same Equal problems that I have going on in my mind regarding relationship with men and hidden sexuality charges

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this play out because I want to only consider the point that I REALLY was not looking for sex and I have been misunderstood, instead of seeing my responsibility as the words I have spoken without consideration for the consequences they could have within the moment I shared with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not address this point when I perceived this guy had moved into a state of uncomfortability because I lacked the words to bring this point up and as he became uncomfortable I became ashamed and retreated in myself into the Character 'what kind of woman do you think I am?', such as a woman wanting sex out of context with a married guy much younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I went through this experience of myself through my own self judgement about 'the kind of woman I would like to be and be perceived as' such as NOT a woman molesting younger men for sex and that it is because I believe that this is what He thought about me that I built this all castle of cards that built up into my desire to rectify the situation just so I ended up feeling more pathetic than before I tried to manipulate my way out of how I felt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about 'what he thought about me' and for fearing 'his new judgement of me as a sex crazed cougar in disguise' and that based on this ass-umption I made in my mind I moved myself into an energetic reaction for which I did not want to take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for this energetic reaction because I wanted to insist on my innocence throughout this exchange which doesn't make me responsible in my mind 'because I am not the one who started it', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that who started doesn't matter and that I have to take care of my energetic reactions and participation in and as the Mind to correct myself to do my part to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to correct myself for each point in which I participate in and as an energetic reaction not allowing myself to justify myself with 'I did not start this' or "I Really didn't mean it the way they took it''

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving into a state of uncomfortability regarding a point, to stop, write myself out so as to not build up bullshit that I then act out on just so I keep the damage going in my clumsy attempts at 'damage control'

I commit myself to, when and as i see myself that something is bothering me, to not discount it because 'it's not my fault if someone took what I said the wrong way' but to investigate why am I reacting and taking personally someone else's reaction toward me and my words and to correct myself for my own reactions

I commit myself to, before I speak, consider the implications of the moment and the consequences of my words and the impact of my words on others, see that I am clear and only then speak, because words Matter and I commit myself to realign my words to become substantial and an expression of who I am and not the blabbering of consequence free characters made up by my own imagination. 

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• Day 86: Manipulation Character Self Forgiveness Statements continued...
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Day 65: God, Spirituality and Law of Attraction: It's All About Money !

I have just listened to the Interview 'The World's Great Divide', which would be the Secret within the Secret within the Secret.

The first Secret was the Law of Attraction itself, the second secret was that it originated by Abraham even though they tried to not give him credit for it, but there is a Third Secret, one we could have worked out by ourselves if we had taken the time to question some of the Law of Attraction teachings and how come that such great teachings were not part of the curricula of Third World Countries, since by just focusing on what they needed and wanted, which at their level would be food, water and shelter, they would just 'attract it to them', and the World problems would be solved.

So why didn't we reach out to the Needy Ones with the Law of Attraction?

First because we get it, you must have Some Money to make Money, you must have something to sell, some education, something that is Valued within a World where everything has a price Tag, plus the Needy Ones are the very outflow of our careless selfish greedy attracting to us what would be way more than we need, it's interesting to see that no matter what we discover that is New and Mind Blowing, like the Quantum Theory, we always conveniently leave out what would have us think, what would have us realize something about this world, such as the word FIELD which is by its very definition a finite playground, which is measurable in space and time.

Which would bring up the question, since we are NOT using the Law of attraction for the benefit of All but just for ourselves, to match our ever growing need for MORE that we have become within this Consumerist society that sells us experiences and ideas of what we NEED to finally feel good and safe within ourselves, wouldn't something have to give ?

Within a Finite Space, when I get way more than I need, having understood that there is a Unified Field that connects us All, is it possible that I am attracting to myself Resources that someone else has to go without ?

Money is Energy, yes, yet this Energy is finite, the Money we have designed for and as this world is becoming less and less in value as the Public Debts keep growing, while we up our prayers, and tricks and Energy mantras, meditations for success, just to keep up with the Joneses making sure we don't get overtaken in our race for more and for who can show to be more successful.

Yet to do this, we have to give up many things, the first one is our Self Honesty, we would SWEAR that we are into Spiritual Practices or that God is our Shepard, yet when we pray, we pray for Money, for financial security, to make it just another day, because the world out there is scary and WE KNOW that Money is The Only Saviour.

But we are not wiling to consider Saving Us all from this system of Inequality and Abuse, nope, we ask the Poor to please don't come up to the G20 while we are having Life changing meetings about the Future of the World - not Your future, OUR future- while we stay at 5 star resorts while the Poor gather outside in the heat to ask if Please, could someone take a look at this world because Honest-to-God, it's Not working for them, they can't make it to the end of the Month.

But we push them away because in our heart we know that we will address their problems, we'll put them in our Prayers, we will ask God to take care of Them, because after All, it's God's creation, God cannot fuck up, there must be a bigger plan, a reason, their Karma, SOMETHING unexplainable is going on, but we can't be expected to understand everything we Are Only Humans...

Yet we KNOW what is going on, we know that something has got to give unless WE GIVE, unless we consider the World as Us and what needs to be done as something that should not be postponed, that we should give to All what we would like to receive, Jesus said it, we crucified him and kept the cross as a reminder instead than the Message of Equality and Oneness, are we retarded ?

Nope, we are just a scared self interested greedy bunch, fact is the resources of this World are finite, do we need to go hungry and homeless and thirsty before we see that we must give to each other what we would like to receive ?

Consider a System of For-Giveness, it will take loads of it to get over what we have done, but we could have it as we give it to others, in one single swoop, as we create a system to For -Give we grant ourselves the same Forgiveness, the same Grace we have given to each other, or we can keep burning in the Hell of Our Own Creation until no excuses and tricks will separate us from the Reality that is Here and needs to be addressed by us as The Change We Want to See in This World.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that God/Universe had a plan and that everything was under control, despite the physical evidence that nothing was under control and that if/it he had a plan it probably did not turn out right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support Charities and Good Deeds, as a way to feel good about myself, always considering that my Survival had to come first and what I did not need anymore, in terms of clothes or money, I could give some away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace the 'we do what we can' without realizing and understanding that I was born within a system that told me what I could do and what I could not do and that I would always move within my preprogrammed limitations unless I changed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that if The Law of Attraction was valid and not an Elitarian Tool for those who already had enough by comparison, we would have used it to fix the problems of the world and not to address our pettiness in terms of what MORE we could put our hands on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disturbed by beggars and the poor that would stand outside of the 5 star resorts where I used to go, hoping and desiring that someone would move them somewhere else so I would not have to see and face the Inequality of this world and feel guilty about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about the Inequality of this World, yet to accept that This is The Way Things are and that 'there will always be Poor' without seeing or realizing that in a World of Plenty it was not normal that there should be Poor and Starving People, unless we accepted the normalization of this point of Inequality as The Way Things Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to debate against the Poor because they did not want to work and Earn what I had and they were Just Lazy, instead of realizing that by birth we DO NOT have the same choices and that it was just my own greed and self interest that made me think and speak that way fearing for my own Survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my own Survival, because all the people that tried to make a difference have been killed or died of mysterious deaths, instead of seeing that the problem was the approach they took, without empowering themselves to move out of their own limitations and beliefs of what can and cannot change ending up to being their very own demise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted with desires for experiences that would make me more than what I am as Life here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not enough to myself and that I would have to buy and get myself the experiences that would confirm that I was a Successful Human being, failing to see how I was just giving in to the consumerist system to become the Consumer of anything of substance so I could have my energetic experiences within my Mind and believe I was more and more valuable than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind Spirituality when I saw I did not have access to the kind of Money I would have liked and for trying to build up an Energy loot from 'Spiritual endeavours, that would pay off if not in this Life in the next

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Physical is of no importance, because the body dies, while Spirit and Consciousness go on, instead of seeing I got it all wrong, while I con-ned myself into beliefs that there was something more valuable than this shitty experience we were having on earth were the physical was reduced to eating, shitting and fucking in separation from Self, missing out on the simplicity of Life as Breath, One and Equal with everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be extensively angry at myself for spreading the law of Attraction bullshit onto others, believing that I had found a system to feel good, having given value to feeling and emotions as a definition of myself over myself as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to feelings and emotions over me as Life, in separation from myself and everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire energetic experiences of high and lows to prove to myself that I was in fact alive within a framework of existence that made no sense as we seemed to be born to go to school to learn a lot of useless shit, then to work, get married have kids and die, and we called this a Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer sleeping to living due to my own definition of what a Life is, a shit hole of experiences that usually end up turning sour unless I lived in suppression because I had not yet learnt Tools to deal with what was going on within me as me and how to self correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider a solution where everyone could have a dignified Life until My Life was no longer working and I saw what this system is really about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this experience for myself,  as a consequence to my never being Here, to understand the system because I was not willing to take a self honest look at myself and my surrounding and see that this World was not working for half of the population that lives on it but I did not care

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility for this World as Me, Equal and One, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that This is The Way Things are and as long as I found my own way to survive I would have been just fine

I commit myself to stop my existence as an Energy creator and manipulator, supporting myself with Breath, stopping my existence as thoughts, feelings and emotions because I have seen that within me as The Mind I cannot be trusted to do what is best for All and what is best for Life and I commit myself to give up my existence as a Mind Consciousness System for Life in Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

Day 20: A Future of Fear

When I looked for a picture to represent what I am going through I found this one with the caption 'Why people love being scared' ? Which is for sure a pertinent question with what has been going on inside of me.

I can see a few points all interlinked

• I fear knowing my future or my responsibilities, the ones I seemed to have agreed to and I don't know about

• I am having troubles with the posts "Heaven's Creation" and the interviews about the Money System (Soul of Money) as when I read them I want to skip along and I can't read them out loud because I feel I'm just as delusional as when I believed in LOA, how can I take responsibility for what I cannot remember I have done or for what I cannot see linked to me yet ?

• moved into paranoia when listened to Joao interview from which I immediately took out what could burden me and used it to burden myself

Then I spoke to my Buddy and the issue started to become clearer

• when I went to check on Veno's Resonance articles regarding a pain I have had in my back recently, I finally saw it clearly, I have huge resistance to dig into reality in all its aspects, I fear it and as well I find it horrific, I fear facing my own anger and resentment for what is going on, for where we find ourselves, for the others in the Group who don't have it, who seem to have accepted the horror movie we are living as Mind Consciousness System with flair, they seem to have said, Ah, OK, we have been put into an Enslavement Design, that's fine, please supply the map to get out. What about having been into this shit hole for eons to allow Heaven to go on undisturbed, what do we do with that, we sit and listen to Anu and feel grateful for the keys to get out, where is the rightful Anger and indignation ?

I fear digging into the rabbit hole in fear of facing my anger, which I have just realized is huge, I have suppressed it all, the shock, the anger, the wanting to scream and kick something, yet I see that this very participation is the root of my Anxiety, part of what is not allowing me to relax and just walk, it is the fear of facing the anger of me, the anger at me for finding myself into this situation, for having weaved a lethal web around myself and others just for the pleasure to participate in high and lows of a demented games of value, I feel Insignificant and I wonder how will I get out of all of this, of this feeling of not even existing.

Yet I see I have taken process into my dreams, I do self Forgiveness in my dreams so I know I am in no way walking away from process, but I am angry, at me as process, because if I did not fuck up I wouldn't be in process at all, I would be Self Expressing and not playing Sherlock Holmes into my Life of which a lot of memories are blurred and I fear I can't find the way out of this maze.

I reread my writings and I can see, I'm fucking with myself, in my fear of not facing my anger I am preventing myself from expanding, from having more capacity as I keep myself pre-occupied and in-capacitated with the Past and the Future and I'm not Here, in the only place where my power to change myself and the world to what is best for All is Real as only Here I exist, out of the Mind, in my walk in and as Life, giving as I would like to receive Life to Myself and All existence, One and Equal.

So I start with for-giving Anu, and the other races involved in this and the silly Atlanteans who believed they had to be led by something in separation of themselves/ourselves, and I see that this is what created this mess, the separation and the lack of self direction, so I stop participating in my mind regarding the Past that is not real, and the Past of our creation which is Here to be forgiven so I can move consistently and stop the Anger that I feel for me, for my idiotic desire to have someone else stand up for me, so I can stand up for me and walk, I stop my participation in re-sent-ment, this word yesterday flashed in my head in Italian Ri-Sentimento, meas to feel again and then I saw this point of fuck up, in which I hold myself feeling the same stuff over and over again, which means I must be having the same thoughts swirling and twirling in my head to produce the same Ri-Sentimento and I stop, I see that what I feel for others is my creation, I have been jealous of the other Destonians who have dealt with this point more effectively than me, hence I did not want to look at it and say it, write it, for me to see, where I am stuck in a loop of festering emotions that I use to not allow myself to break free, and I stop, because breaking free from my own limitation is what I have committed to, for myself and All of Existence for and as What is Best for All, Equal and One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my Anger and Shock for our Creation and for directing it outside of myself as a way of not having to face it in Self Responsibility and see that if All is Equal and One and I am the Created, I am the Creation and the Creator as well and it is only due to my existence of separation that I fail to see clearly the points explained and walked in the Blogs of Heaven's Journey to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear my Future as a way to keep myself enter-tained in and as the Mind because I fear my Past and I don't want to look at it in self Honesty so I can equalize myself to it and let it go through Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm unable to see the points explained in heaven's Blogs because they are unrelated to me instead of seeing I fear to face my past in fear of the common sense I may see as the outflowing consequences I have to walk ahead of me to break free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Fear as a way to keep myself from walking through a point because fear prevents me to see what is laying underneath that needs to be addressed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own Fear which is just the Fear of looking at myself and what I have reduced myself to playing this game of winner and losers hoping to win without realizing that unless we walk in Oneness and Equality we are all losers

I forgive myself for accepting myself to desire to win in fear of losing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take something out of context with the purpose of finding an ammunition to shoot myself with, instead of applying myself in breath while I approach interviews and vlogs so I don't have to drag myself through them in my Mind generated Fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I boarded a train to Life and I am hanging from the back of this train running in Full Speed without giving myself credit for having in fact made the decision to board this train as me and not as something that 'happened to me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will walk away from this process because I do not allow myself to trust myself that this is a decision I have in fact made and I'm not turning back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing my responsibility as Life to Life in fear I won't be able to stand in and as it and I will fuck up process for everybody else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to know what my responsibility is as a point of specialness that me as Ego can use to boost myself into finding 'purpose to my existence'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the losing of my ability to move myself in and as emotions and feelings because this is what I have been all of my life and now that I have to self direct myself  I feel lost and sometimes not up to the task

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of other Destonians who have not manifested this point but only the Joy of process because I allow myself to feel inadequate just because I was not wiling to look at the point of Blame of my emotions onto Creation, which is still onto myself, so I could release it and move with more ease

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Jealousy about process inside of me due to my own accepted and allowed judgements of how others are walking their process when in fact I know fuck all about how things really are for each one of us and what each one of us is walking to the same shared common goal of Life One and Equal for everyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to stand because I accept and allow myself to live in and as the past of my fuck ups, instead of seeing that each breath I take is an opportunity to start new and it's in THIS very breath that I make new statements and commitments about who I AM and then walk that point into Life as Life as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this process unnecessarily difficult for myself when I could have just kept walking and not allow myself to get distracted by my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my insignificance and losing myself while I see I can lose only what was never real and I am as insignificant as I allow myself to be within my mind, while when I bring myself back Here in Breath I am not in the Mind and expanding myself and my capacity with each Breath I take that is not Energy based but Life based

When and as I see myself tormenting myself or about to torment myself about my 'process performance, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no schedule to meet or performance table and that I just need to keep walking, One point at the Time, with no Blame for myself or others, with no Re-sentment for Myself or others, with no Anger for Myself or others, because we must have all participated or we would not be here and as I got myself here now I can get myself out of the here and now of the Mind, into the Here of Life, where Life has always been stable and One, waiting for everyone to come Home.

When and as I see myself looking for points of comparison to see how I am doing, I stop, remind myself of Marduk's interview about Process and walk mine, with no comparison or fear, One and Equal to the process of everyone, yet walking my own road back through my own fuck ups that cannot be measured or compared but just walked backward until all that remain is Here, as Life One and Equal

I commit myself to stop pretending to be afraid as I know Fear is not real and that I am using it for self manipulation, instead I keep walking, for myself, for existence, until All is Free, One and Equal and Life can be born in and as the Physical.

Day 19: The Reward World of the Underdogs

Yesterday I watched the documentary The Trap,

The point that stood out for me was the point of "Humans cannot trust each other", it tied in nicely with something I wrote yesterday and a few days ago and a movie I watched recently called 'The Keeper".

In my neighborhood people were mainly poor and lacked an education and their parents lacked the perspective that an education is of any importance at all, since Life is just about getting what you need and want, everybody is dishonest in some ways and 'You can't trust anybody".

Since violence was the accepted way of settling disputes, starting at Home, it was who was willing to be the most violent and most ruthless that would get the prize, the prize could be drugs or money or both.

Many parents had given up on the idea of a dignified Life and would make do with anything just to survive.

One of my girlfriend's mother would take Money from 'older men' she spent time with, she was not a prostitute on the streets or an escort, she had a job and a 'regular' life' and had this extra income on the side as my girlfriend told me nonchalantly, and when I was 26 and I had a boyfriend that was 52 she asked me why didn't I take money from him (he was a fit 52 years old, good looking and broke, so I am in no way stating I would not have and I was better than her mum, I just did not have the need to have to think this one out) like her mum was doing, because men are supposed to help us, basically accepting to reduce our lives to an exchange system of values, not different from the stock market, where beauty, education and everything we 'owned' and believe to be, could be traded for 'points' and then the points could be traded for money.

My mum paid me to change the closets between summer and winter, I still remember the first time she offered money to me to do something I would have done for free, because rewards are not only Money based, they are emotionally based as well, if we do something 'good' and 'right' at home, parents will make us feel good about ourselves.

Of The Trap  Documentary I liked the part when Lang discovered that it was the secret games happening at home that could lead one to mental problems, those secret games are the Energy games, the feelings and emotions we trade on the Stock Market of Life.

In the movie 'The Keeper', a sergeant of the American police, kidnaps a stripper, and locks her into a cage in his basement for reeducation, applying his father educational system, the Points system, which was the absolute carbon copy of the Reward System, every action, word, attitude, behaviour was valued on the Reward System board based on Points, and in the movie he states it out clearly 'I did not do that because I'm a good person, I did it for the Points', in the movie the point of The Points was exaggerated and given a life of its own that the child had breathed into and as Life and as Himself, the sins of the fathers living on.

Underdogs have a Points system too, they are promised a reward for accepting their underdog lives, religion is one of the underdogs points system, we are told that even if we have nothing 'as points' to exchange, no beauty, no culture, no education, we have Hope, Hope is a reward system, you can at least Hope to be rewarded, to make it across the line between the "Have it All" and the "Have Nothing At All" (if not here in the Afterlife, hope goes on after Death), this is the Underdog Urban Legend, 'even you can make it to the reward' of feeling good and having a safe life, just keep trying, do whatever you need to do, some make it, look, here comes another Underdog story, and with this pacifier even the Underdogs don't want a system change, because they may make it after all, they might collect enough Points to trade for a decent life, they have worked out how the system works and they are saving Points, sometimes they collect the Fear of others, that too can be traded for something that gives them Points, like sex or money.

My neighborhood was a reward system based on the Poor's perception of what a reward is, having no access to the good feelings that are generated by feeling safe, loved and having money, the good side of the polarity of life and living mainly in and as the negative emotional polarity of existence, getting the money or the drugs to even out and balance the emotional lives of horrors they lived at home was not a desire, it was a need.

 

We live in a society that creates People with Mental Problems, and then we put Shame on the Mental Problems that are  guaranteed just by being born in this world.

Are the mental health professional sane ? Unlikely, how could they be ?
In the documentary (the Trap) a renowned Psychiatrist admitted himself to a Mental Institution when he discovered he heard voices in his head and realized, he had created those voices that were now talking to him and the stories he had made up to sustain them were no longer working.
He could no longer pretend All was fine Within His World.

We need to create a world where we teach each other about a Value System that is NOT based on emotions and feelings and rewards, but on Life values and What is Best for All, we need to step out of the delusion of Polarity to allow a different world to manifest, we need to trust that another Humanity is possible, that we can trust each other if each one of us can trust Himself/Herself, so we start to change ourselves to prove to ourselves that if I can Change, the World can Change, One and Equal to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spoilt by a reward system from childhood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe that living is about being re-warded for living and not just about Life itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade on the Reward System market who I Am in exchange for what I was supposed to be to have rewards

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not enough and I needed Points to make myself valuable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than others just to be good enough to be rewarded within the world reward system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mental illnesses and being a mental case when I realized the world is insane and we are all mental cases

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire rewards for everything I do, think, say because I have accepted Life as a reward system and I have not yet stopped consistently my participation in and as a reward system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I don't feel happy anymore when there's the sunshine as in energetic happy and I am at a loss about how to move myself if not through an energy motivation/reward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to motivate myself through energy and intuition to move instead of being the directive principle of my life making decisions based on what is best for All and then walking my decisions Breath by Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and thus fear that if I don't feel energetic movements within me to motivate and lead me I am not alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am Energy and not Life and for accepting and allowing myself to built myself as a network of energetic relationships to pretend I am alive when I buzz in and out of energetic movements, giving up the stability of me existing Here in every moment of Breath as Life without any movement or reaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call people who were not as reactive as me 'emotionally impaired' instead of seeing I was the one impaired by emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I have emotionally impaired myself due to my extensive participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings as a way to feel Alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade Life for Energy and for abusing myself in the process up to physical abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cringe every time someone told me of how they managed to get a child to do something through a reward, because I have not forgiven myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of rewards from childhood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself so much into the reward system that I have been unable to support others one and equal in not passing on to children this disease even though I could see that it was a key point in our problem but not how far the rabbit hole went

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that a Life of rewards is acceptable and that rewards define who I am as the points in the movie "The Keeper"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/need to be rewarded as a way to define myself and see if I am doing well or poorly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself to be and become a reward system for others as well, applying the same principle of the reward game to my energetic interaction where I would reward the worthy with 'good feelings' and the unworthy with 'bad feelings' based on their alignment to my desires and expectations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad every time my mother wants to give me something as I have always seen and still do the movements behind the giving because they are my same movements of reward and manipulation for which I For-give myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aspire to some 'normality' that I could not define because normality is rewarded and ab-normality as I felt within all these energetic movements is punished with the label 'mental case/nutcase' and sent to a mental institution or put on medication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may have my mum's mental problems growing older and for fear of growing older and having to face mental instability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mental state we share in this world is 'normal' and we have to work to accept it, instead of seeing there is something clearly wrong here because I feared investigating reality and discovering it's all a big fat lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and the  people in my neighborhood for what each one of us did to get to the reward board that then we passed on as a life system, some through the education of their children and some like me through their working endeavours

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread the reward disease into the working place marrying reward models as a way to have people work because I did not trust anyone would do anything for free just for what is best for all, because I would not

When and as I see myself desiring a reward to define myself I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I am seeking a reward I am not Here in Breath where Life One and Equal is the Reward in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to manipulate others into an emotional/feeling reward system I stop, breathe, remind myself that I am just pushing them on one or the other side of the reward polarity and I am feeding an addiction, instead I look for the right words to express my new stance on reward and why I no longer participate in and if required

When and as I see myself demonizing rewards, like the points I get for shopping that give me money discounts, I stop, breathe, remind myself that the points are not the problem, it is who I am within the reward system when and as I believe myself to be One and Equal to the value points I collect and move myself up and down on my own self designed and self assigned Reward Board within emotions and feelings to match my value/points imaginary board,  and that I am walking to become stable Here in every moment of Breath out of the Polarity game in and as Life One and Equal in and as What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my life as a Spoilt Child of the Reward System, to no longer use for myself or others Rewards as a motivation to stand, move and do what needs to be done and What is best for All, as Life, as One and Equal.

Day 16: I fucked up, I leave You so you won't leave Me

I have had this as a recurring patterns in relationships, it goes all the way back to my relationship with my mum, when my great grandmother told me once that if I did not behave I would be sent to the boarding house.

This was the greatest threat of my life, I must have been younger than 6 because my great grandma passed on when I was 6 years old, the point became that my life within the family system was not assured or guaranteed and therefore nor was my survival, I had to earn it, I was told as well that affection had to be 'earned', isn't it interesting how many words link Love, Sex and Money ?

So I started to keep a mental book of credits and debts, to see how I was scoring on my way to the boarding house or if I could feel 'safe' for some time, just to go back to worrying when I moved, out of the preassigned lines of what was expected of me, good grades, polite behaviour and general submission.

I brought this fear into my relationships, it seemed obvious that if my place was not guaranteed with my mother, who by the way denied this would be the case, only to put me in a boarding house when I was 13 for one year only, because the nuns kicked me out, but yet confirming that I had not earned my place at home, that the problems we had were not worth solving, I could just be cast aside, as a rebellious teenager and someone else would have to take up the ungrateful job of sorting me out.

When I went to live with my first boyfriend it was because my mother kicked me out of her house, I was 19, on my birthday she told me she had not bought me the one thing she saw that she thought I may like, because she believed I deserved nothing, I finally left that evening and moved in with my boyfriend in a room within a family of thugs that lived in my area.

This is another reason why I always looked for men that were more into me than I was into them, as my chances of being 'kept' and not ditched would be greater than going for a man I really wanted that made it clear could live without me.

I had tried out 'the man I really liked' when I was 17 and run away from home' to go to Ireland, where I had fallen for a guy who owned an Amusement Park and was 5 years older than me, within that relationship I lived in the constant fear he would leave me for another woman, as he was attractive and popular and I struggled hugely to keep myself together, to the point that when I run away from home to go to Ireland FOR him, I did not look him up for the first 3 months, and told everyone I was NOT there for him, because that would have been a diminishment of my position of strength inside the 'Relationships Game', and when he finally cam to meet me he said "I heard from everyone you were not here for me, so I did not come to see you, pretty faultless logic.

After that, when I left Ireland and he asked me to marry him, I lost interest, went back to check on him 5 years later and asked him to marry me and he thought I had gone insane, which I had, but not in those 5 years, I was always insane as I was an avid participant in and as the Mind and Mind fuckups, only to blame everything on my mum and how and why I ended up turning out the way I did, a total mess with no hope beyond redemption.

One of my relationship patterns became to make myself  indispensable, when I was very young, through Sex, as that point was clear to me and even why men strayed, so I made sure I was always available, and then later on through taking care of men, from cooking (as my mother was a very bad cook and 'she could not keep a man' as grandma stated in many occasions, so I would not risk any of her 'performance flaws' in my relationships) and generally taking care of the house.

I took this to a completely new level within my marriage, I would fill the house with fresh flowers, come up with new recipes consistently, made up religiously, matched my clothes with my shoes, an almost perfect Stepford Wife, I brought in some of my grandmother's traits and some other traits from women I had met that were successful with men, none of my mum's traits (or so I believed, keeping those hidden and suppressed as I was aware they were borderline on the edge of insanity ) yet my marriage sucked.

I lived in the constant fear that he would not want to be with me, my ex husband was French, he had the traditional French asshole humour which he used to drive home points he was unable to talk about, I was unable to talk about these points too and so I particularly disliked this trait in him as much as I disliked it in myself, so we used to let it build up in our separate secret minds back chats until I would blow up into entitlement having my list of his wrongdoings always handy in mind and always available to replay his assholes jokes until he felt ashamed and wrong.

I was never less of an asshole, I just always felt I was an asshole by provocation.

In my previous relationships, I would at one point find a way to get rid of my men, when the energy high was no longer there and Sex started to become tired, I would move on, I left a trail of unresolved issues that turned into stalking and obsessions that fed my Ego, yet I was always able to justify why I had moved on, I was just honest, there was nothing to share anymore (in terms of energy fixes) so we better part.

With my ex husband something opposite happened, as I felt he was 'too good' for me in many ways and I felt as well that he was not as sick in his head as I was, but I did take him there in 7 years, it took me just some consistent mindfucks to screw him up but I managed all right, this is a point of grief I still live as regret.

The unspoken truth about WHY I behaved the way I did is because I believed he had woken up into this marriage and regretted having married me, but as I was stuck into the marriage in a foreign country without a job, he felt he was stuck into the responsibility of supporting me, and we ended up both resentful and angry pretending to make efforts to make work something that in our secret minds we had given up long before.

Basically, I feared not being wanted, I feared that all my own Self judgements he was now sharing and of course having never forgiven myself, I could never expect or believe he did, so even when we made up between fights, basically, I never believed he let something go, for the simple reason that I did not, I had to hand on to my credit and debts book, that was my survival, it was the proof that I was valuable and I should be kept and not trashed and forgotten like I feared he wished he could do in his secret mind.

So, the pattern 'I'm leaving' started again, 'I'm Leaving' so you cannot leave me, I'm leaving because I have fucked up beyond my ability to forgive myself so how could you, I am 'leaving' hoping you will beg me to stay, validating my existence, my purpose as a wife, a woman that you would not trash just because we fight and we have not yet found ways to talk to each other that are not harmful, I'm leaving because I fear that when I do you will in fact not come and take me back, but let me go, proving that this is what you wanted all along and you just hid it, but I knew it, I could see through you, while in truth I could only see through me and my own judgements of my own behaviour and the conclusions I had come to about myself, that in His place I would leave ME and if I could not, I would wait for me to go, to just close the door and have a party, having watched grief and sorrow walk out of the door to never ever return.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being sent to a boarding house because I was not worthy of the love of my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to work at being worthy to be loved because I accepted and allowed myself to not love and accept myself unconditionally at all times

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother for sending me to the boarding house while in truth I always only hated myself for believing I had  'deserved to be sent there'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself and hate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anger and hate and love are real as in an energetic expression, instead of seeing that energy is not real, but my self support and unconditional self acceptance as stability Here in every moment of Breath is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with and as energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself for being sent to a boarding school because I equated 'boarding school' with 'not being wanted, while I could see my mum sent me there because she realized she was not well in her mind and it was best for me to be away from home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate my worth to no worth or I would not have been sent to a boarding house, when I can see this was only a fabrication of my mind in separation of me from Self Worth and had nothing to do with the practical solution my mum looked for when she realized she was not well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking about having been sent to a boarding school in fear to show my worthlessness and how I must have fucked up to be sent away from home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I fucked up because I was sent away from home and for living one and equal to the shame of 'having fucked up" and not being wanted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be sent away from all of my following homes in case I fucked up again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to feel safe anywhere as I lived a life of subordination trying to walk the line between being kept and being sent away which resulted in huge suppressions that then blew up using any excuse I could find to vent the energetic build up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for men I judged less worthy than me so I would not be sent away ever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some men as more worthy and some as less worthy by comparison to me, my looks and my house keeping, and my money making ability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I had to become indispensable as a way to guarantee my survival within and as the system of Love/Sex/Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of not having been wanted according to my conclusion that if I had been sent away, 'they did not want me around'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my partners may not want me around and send me away whenever a moment of tension arose between us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'nobody wanted me' and I was Useless and worthless when my mum sent me away from home a second time when she met a man that molested me and she chose him over me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive a loss of worth because of my mum's choices even though I knew my mum was not well and that what she did or said was often a source of regret as much as what I did and said in my life became a source of regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a pattern of "I'm Leaving' to test if my partner would keep me because I could not trust his secret mind as I knew I was fully participating in my own secret mind and there were many things I would not speak about, like my fear of being left or sent away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe someone should have 'kept me' to show me I was worthy to be 'kept'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'leave' as a way to find my self worth in and as my partner coming after me because 'he could not live without me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to precipitate myself into worthlessness because my ex husband did not come after me to bring me back home when I packed my bags and left like a thief without leaving even a note

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was worthless because my ex husband did not want me back and when he made attempts months after I left and had settled down I made it clear I was not interested and even told him 'I would throw myself out of a window if I had to come back and live with you again like before' because he did not want me when I was down and now that I was up again he could just fuck off, instead of seeing it was me not accepting myself unconditionally when I was down and not my ex husband to blame and my words were just a spiteful remark to show it was ME not wanting me and not the truth of how I felt and within this I forgive myself for speaking these words to him in anger and spitefulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bitch for leaving like a thief without even leaving a note after 7 years of marriage just because I could no longer cope with myself within this relationship that I had loaded with self judgements that I projected as blame on my ex husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause of my husband change for the worse because I blamed my mum for my change for the worse, when now I can see no one is responsible for everyone and I am responsible for myself and I cannot be responsible for others as they are responsible for themselves and what goes on inside of them that brings them to 'change'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak about this doubt and fear I had of not 'being wanted' but to suppress it in my secret mind to the point that after our separation one day my ex husband said 'if I knew how you were I would not have married you' and I took this point to validate the invalidity of my relationship and my unworthiness as a woman and a human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and think of myself as unworthy because my ex husband said he would not have married me if he knew how I was, blaming me for everything that went on inside of himself when we were around each other, as I blamed him, without each one of us taking self responsibility for what we brought up within each other in self honesty and self correct ourselves through writing, communicating and self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my ex husband's forgiveness for what I believe I have done to him, instead of seeing I desired my own self forgiveness that I would not grant myself as a way to prove that at least I don't forgive myself, which makes me good as self forgiveness is just 'too easy' and what about putting in some repentment in the form of self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with memories, thoughts and feelings about this pattern of 'I'm leaving' because I could see I was acting out but never gave myself the time to work out WHAT was I acting out and Why and how to stop myself from existing as this pattern of abandonment and withing this I forgive myself for withholding my self forgiveness as a form of self abuse and punishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear abandonment to the point that I would leave first so as not have to face being abandoned, instead of seeing I always feared my own abandonment, my own not standing up and for myself unconditionally, my not accepting myself unconditionally so that from my own unconditional acceptance I could start to dig and see how and why I had designed myself in a certain way and stop my existence as patterns of memories and information to be able to rewrite my past and my future with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear relationships and who I am and become within relationships with the other sex.

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the pattern 'I am leaving' either outside or in my mind, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I have done this many times before and it has brought no solutions but the endless walking of the same play out, instead I push myself to stay and face whatever it is I would rather not look at and face by leaving while I support myself through breathing, self honesty and self forgiveness to walk away from this pattern for good for what is best for myself and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself walking or about to walk away from a person or a task in fear of having to face my sense of worthlessness, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I only exist as worthlessness in separation from me Here as Breath, so I bring myself back Here and as Here in and as Breath I see I exist as Self worth Here One and Equal to Life and everything that exists

I commit myself to work on this pattern of abandonment and fear of abandonment until I no longer play out this pattern so I can build self trust as myself as someone that will stay and stick to anything for what is best for me, as in stopping myself from existing as patterns of the past, and what is best for All which includes me and the unconditional self support I should have given to myself all along but never did, I commit myself to accept myself unconditionally and stand by myself unconditionally so it won't be necessary or required by anyone else to do this in my place.

Day 9: Death of a friend

I had 2 experiences in my Life with the Death of a friend, 3 in fact, two were real, and one was not, for the non real one, she did die too, but just in my mind.

I had a dream about her, twice in two days, I had read the Blog on Regret , and how to let it go, or better, how to not let it go until we make sure we clear that point that prompted the regret who is actually always with us reminding us how we live, what goes on in our secret mind, prompting us to stop, while we keep going, muffling it up, putting a cushion on its head to not hear the regretful screams, I did not get it two days ago, I'm on a delayed train, I do get things, just a little slower, they have to sink in when I am not watching to understand the point with my mind, to force it down my throat in the usual act of  forcing what could be seen clearly in awareness effortlessly, I'm still a living fight with myself on my way to correction, so something must have compounded and I dreamed about the non-dead-but-Dead-to-me-One, as a clear point of suppression.

In my dreams, we were still friends, I noticed how I cherished that feeling of 'safety' of a space where I was really wanted around, appreciated, special.

I cannot recall the details but I know it has to do with regret, funny because when I read the regret script and it talked about relationships, it went over my head, my mind said, 'you don't have relationships' which is true as in 'sentimental/ romantic relationships', I don't really consider Friendships as relationships as in the context I have read, due to the way my mind translates the word in Italian, which is related more to sex, more intimate, more exclusive, instead friendships are relationships, and both are just ships one boards to deny the truth that we are alone in this journey, that we have to face the fact that until I can trust me, I will never ever be able to trust anyone, and until I stop to fear me I cant' stop fearing You.

To add some benevolence here I can say I felt less for my friends that died, they died, our friendship never imploded, it did not have time, it was not the same, they did not leave behind a gap of guilt and shame and a sense of loss, they simply died, there is no refusal in death as in life, they did not die to spite me, we spite in life as we move along our ideas of ourselves and do whatever it takes to keep them alive, to keep our sense of worth alive in separation from who we are as Life.

When the friendship with my girlfriend ended, I had a difficult time with myself, one of my primary mind relationships no longer existed and I found it hard to find a balance of me without THIS specific mind relationship that had defined ME for over 10 years, our friendship defined who I was, in her friendship I could reflect my imaginary worth as an Ego, my imaginary goodness and benevolence and she could do the same, then one day the castle of cards imploded and I was alone again, the truth is it ended when she became close to my ex husband, and I moved into jealousy as I feared he would become friend with her as he had not been with me, honest, while our marriage was based on huge dishonesty from both sides, that I shared with my friend, so the fear came as well, that my secrets would be exposed, that what I shared with her in more honesty than I reserved for anyone else, would now be an open book to my ex husband and that he would be able to flip the pages of me, and read what he had never understood and that I failed to express and explain, and this was not OK.

My friendship was based on the containment of secrets, this is why as well when I wrote her a very hurtful letter that I closed with a spiteful line to say 'you see, now I want to harm you as much as you harmed me', which is the epitome of my delusion, in fact she was the cracking point of my delusion, very specific, Because I could not believe anything I wrote to her as I saw all the underline movements of backchat that led me to that point, yet her reply was even more stunning, as I meant I had already done plenty harm with my letter, while she read it as a threat that I would expose HER to her husband. Is this because she did in fact expose me and in our spitefulness and retaliation we believe getting even is an eye for an eye ? an I for an I ? Did she think I would do that because of who I was, or because of who she was ? Or because of who we were ?

In that I saw the point that we are never friends with anyone, we are just the great pretenders and we would do anything we need to do to survive as personalities, an I for an I, there was a purpose to her friendship with my ex husband that did not include me, that made me feel pushed aside because the feeling good of each one of us is what we are really after and not the fluffy goodness we talk about, that one is fake, it's a cut throat world, and it's always been, better you down than me, she did to me what I did to others, including her husband even though i told myself I was more decent, reality is there is no decency in what we do to win a position on the planet as Egos, where if I lose I don't exist and so I win, regardless of how many deaths I live in my wake, so why do we condemn capitalism when capitalism is the Capital I through which we move and face every single thing in our world ?

I stop the Capital I to walk a process that is Best for All, the Capital I will be corrected as Me and as Me the correction will reflect back as the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself in and as relationships in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the relationship of and as my mind than to myself and for looking for worth outside of myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless when my friendship with C. ended

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my behaviour due to having allowed a backchat to take the driving seat of my life as me and hurting someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can hurt someone else when I see I can only hurt myself and others can only hurt themselves within the bubble mind reality in which we have separated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what I did when I was fueled and motivated by anger that I justified because of something someone did to me instead of taking responsibility for my anger, stop it and stand up to correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire we were still friends with C. because her friendship was a good mirror in my life although a delusional one, but we had managed to walk the tightrope of con-vincing each other we were good people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be good'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I felt after our friendship broke up because I would have to face my own judgement of myself to self forgive it and let it go but I rathered suppress it so I would not have to face myself and stand as the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use drugs, alchol and food to suppress when the back chat and the consequent emotional typhoon became too much to handle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my friend raised a spoiled brat just because I imagined I would have done a better job as a mother, even though I knew I would have fucked up royally as a mother which is the reason why I did not have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friend and what I beLIEved we had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make her suffer in spitefulness because I believed she made me suffer and she had to pay for it, even though I never admitted this was the reason why I wrote such a nasty letter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that spitefulness is normal when we are faced with let downs because I embraced my culture teachings of passion and revenge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Scorpio are revengeful and since I am a Scorpio I must be revengeful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to spitefulness, manifesting spitefulness in and as the world I have created through my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself on this point about my friend, to spite and punish myself for what I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful for talking about my best friend with other friends after our fight so I could make it clear She drove me to this point and it was her fault and she was the one to blame, while I could see I did not want to take responsibility for what went on between us to stand up and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my friends in HK told me that it was clearly C.'s fault and they always wondered why and how I could stand that she had become close friend with my ex, because I did not stood up for her to say I was the one who encouraged it because I wanted to show that I was worldly and not petty as I really was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as spiteful and petty as bad, instead of seeing that everyone that participates in and as the mind is petty and spiteful and I'm Equal in the fuck up and I'm now equalizing myself to live in and as the correction to walk out of the Mind and birth myself in and as the physical One and Equal as Life

When and as I see myself entertaining my back chat about someone I know, I remind myself that  I no longer participate in gossip, outside with people or inside my mind, as I do what I like to receive and gossiping is not the reflection of the world of support I want to correct myself into and correct the world into One and Equal as me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spitefulness, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer want to participate in spitefulness of the small or the big kind and breath myself back Here until I no longer think or feel spitefulness for anything or anyone

I commit to eradicate spitefulness from my Life through writing, self forgiveness and corrective application as spitefulness drove this world to this point and spitefulness must end in all its forms to allow a world that is best for all.

I commit to stop my back chat about people in my life through writing and corrective application, until I can stand clear of any spitefulness and manifest this correction in and as the world One and Equal to me.