Day 253: Miss-Education of Humanity - Separated by Words

Last night we had the teachers meeting of the school/non school (not funded or recognized by the Government) where we teach Italians to foreigners, in the specific Immigrants.

This just to say they are not tourists, they are people who came to live in Italy due to necessity, seeking a better Life, in fact in most cases, just seeking a life, as their country was unable to provide one for them -not that we are doing any better.

There were about 20 volunteers present and the questions raised were very practical

• why the number of students has dropped dramatically since the beginning of the year?
• how can we assess their ability to move to the next class?
• how do we assess in which class they belong when they arrive?
• should we have a textbook?

The questions were very easy for me because I had previous experience in teaching Italian to foreigners, I assumed that it would be enough the 1 and a half hour we set out to come to an agreement about all the main points, this was until the discussion started.

The first point was dismissed, no one wanted to look at why there has been a drop from the beginning of the school year that ranges in the 60 to 70%, meaning we have only 40 to 30% students left, looking at this point would mean admit to failure of epic proportion in delivering what the students expected, which was to learn Italian, so we just skipped this question altogether. The point is as well that addressing this question would mean we have to change something because the school is not working as it should and here comes another sticky point, changing without a motivation since everyone is 'volunteering' their time without a monetary compensation it's hard work.

This point of not being rewarded means everyone secretly believes to be entitled to teach what THEY enjoy, so we have turned the school into a Teachers playground, we want to have fun and that demands that we can't subscribe to a program that we commonly share because teaching pronouns is Not Fun, and teaching reading and writing skills is Not Fun and we rather say things like 'they don't need to read and write - the important thing is that they are able to make themselves understood', and we say this with a straight face too.

Instead we keep repeating ourselves in classes due to absences and new comers, while the most common sensical thing would be to have classes that re-start every 2 month in a rotation, smaller groups and move people on, but that would mean having to repeat ourselves over and over again every 2 months as the new classes start, NOT FUN.

But here we had an extra weapon, another Word to hit each other with, "Rotation would be against the principle of Reception', WHAT?? yes, The Principle of Reception, which should stand just as meaning 'everyone is welcome regardless of their beliefs, skin color, ethnicity or original language' and not 'everyone is welcome to join any class at whatever level they prefer, not do their homework and come as they see fit regardless of the disruption that their behavior will bring to those who have started 2 months before and will have to go back to scratch' and yet just by one simple word "RECEPTION", loaded with religious double entendre of 'let the children come to me' we held each other hostages of emotions and feelings and we are fucking up a whole education system - because even if it's free it's still education and it is a system, that at the moment is not working.

Moving on on point 2, how do we assess when they are ready to move on? 

OBVIOUSLY the answer here was TESTS, but since we travel Life each one carrying their personal bullshit, memories of failures and embarrassment, we now see TESTS as a boogaboos that we don't want to 'impose on others' ad we wish to rely on our personal individual ability to judge when one is ready for the next class. I have been given the last class available, equivalent to the 4th year, they got there by consistent attendance but NOT by gaining understanding of what would be expected by the 4th year of studying a foreign language. Here too, we don't have to come up with clever solutions, there are European guidelines that we have to translate into tests. Unfortunately tests preparing and rating is time consuming and extra work for the volunteers, which is the secret hidden reason why we don't want to see the common sense in testing and desire to retain the scepter of power to grant access to one class or not, based on merit and sympathy as we hold on to 'the ones we like for ages' at level A just because they are FUN to have in the class.

So here the separating word was TESTS, which stood in the way even of an agreement even for point 3, when in fact unless I test your comprehension of the language I don't know where to assign you that would serve you, the student, best, but hei, I finally get to play teacher here, I want the same powers of discrimination my teacher had and I won't give them up.

So we basically voted against the tests (?), a big sight of relief for those that have personal issues with tests, for those that fear the extra work and for those that don't have a clue about how to go about it but don't want to say just that.

Last, let's get a book, on this we all voted YES, this was easy, only money was involved, every school has a BOOK, none of us has seen this particular book we are buying in 100 copies but as bad as it may be it will be a track to move along and very useful in a system where teachers rotate every evening and should be able to move on from what has been done the evening before.

The core issues were not addressed.

Ours was a small system play out of the big world systems play outs. We can't come to a common ground because we live inside a world where words have taken on 'personal meanings' and are no longer expressing one point we can all see for just what it is, hence we can't work together with same-meaning-words to come to Solutions.

Let's take Capitalism, booh. Scared yet?

We have scared ourselves with this one word to mean the sum of all of our separations, Capitalism now means that some get it all and some get none, Capitalism means a system where life is forgotten and people are divided in classes and instead of redefining the word 'Capital' into 'LIFE' a concept on which we could all agree on because, well, because if you are dead whatever Capital you believed you had is worth nothing and you are still dead to highlight how the Capital of this existence can in fact ONLY be Life, and since we all share One, Equally, we should tend to ours and each others one's Life as the Capital of the World.

Then we would all be Capitalist, people who own the same Capital, Life, and live for the good of the Capital of All.

So, whatever the words we are dealing with that are standing in the way to come to a common agreement for what is best for All, we should redefine them, words are not the problem, a test is a test unless I turn it into something else in my Mind, and so is a reception, and guess what, so is Capitalism.

When we said Capitalism defined the private Ownership of goods and enterprises vs the ownership of the State, we didn't mean 'of just a bunch of lucky sods that contextually gain the right to enslave the rest of the world and kick them out of Their shareholder state in both goods and enterprises' that part we added it later on and then accepted it and allowed it, as we promoted Free market as Freedom and Plutocracy as Democracy, creating a World that we screwed up one misused word after another.

But we can correct this, I will start my own correction as the small point of Education by pushing myself to redefine the words that are now standing in the way of us seeing clearly what to do that would be best for all, a tool I learned from Desteni that I highly recommend to all, and as a World we can redefine the words that are now standing in the way of our Clarity on our way to create a world that works for All.

It is Clear that a World that works best for All would be the Best World for All, so we have to change the meaning of the Words that are saying the opposite, words that promote separation and beliefs in specialness and the value of some over others, until All words will be Equally shared and a Life that Equally works for All will manifest as the natural Consequence of our realignment to Oneness and Equality for ourselves and existence as a Whole.

Educate yourself about Equal Money, it's simple to grasp once you set out to be part of The Solution, decide to no longer be part of The Separation that is preventing us from creating a World that works for All, it starts with a decision that you then walk into the Physical, one word at the time, one breath at the time, Join us.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the word tests to something unpleasant that defines 'who I am' and for then not seeing the common sense of 'testing' a student just to assess 'where he is at' so we may best address him to the class where he may have the most benefit

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that since the work we are doing is on a volunteer non monetized bases, then we have the right to set up our own playground without considering that we have adult students who are coming to school to master this language as fast as they can so they can open up opportunities in the job market for themselves and support their families

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stand as an outsider at the meeting because I have just arrived and I did not want to make too many waves and risk to not be liked, when in fact I could have supported D, who had a clear vision of what needs to be done but I hesitated because I have to 'let time pass' to be entitled to express myself without being told 'you just arrived and are already creating trouble?'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being told that 'I create trouble' because I see what needs to be done and in this fear of being out casted and not liked I refrain from expressing the solutions I see, as well because I am not PAID to come up with solutions and I have linked my problem-solving abilities to Money and a reward and since I would get none if I spoke out, I suppressed myself waiting for the next chance when Time -instead of Money- will give me the authority to say 'now I have seen enough and I am entitled to speak about the solutions I see'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was called by D. and he commented on how brain damaged many of those teachers are, instead of telling him that we should not have this conversation because it would not address the problems but create further separation, I enjoyed the attention of having been identified as one of 'the clever ones that saw the solutions' and for indulging in this 'positive experience vs sticking to the solution that would be best for all, including the volunteers who could be supported to see what we already see, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the words 'principle of reception' were spoken as a weapon to uphold a system that is not working as I saw I was expected to feel guilty for attempting to breach 'the principle' instead of bringing a common sense meaning to the 'princple' that everyone seems to have idealized above and beyond the interests of the students, to feel irritated as I perceived the attempt to manipulate me through emotions and feelings and yet, even seeing the point, I ended up manipulating myself with the emotional reaction of irritation and in that space I disempowered myself from speaking the common sense that I saw, just to participate in the irritation of the self righteous one who saw the manipulation coming, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to interpret 'the principle of reception' as an attempt to manipulate me, when in fact it may be possible that we are just having a misunderstanding about words, that we can overcome if we set out to redefine the words we are using to exchange our views, until we find a solution that works as best for all.

I commit myself to support myself to redefine the words that are relative to this specific point and to support others to come to a common sensical agreement that considers all parties involved and what is best for all the players, both teachers and students alike.

Related articles

• Day 180: The Word 'Capitalism' in 'Equal Money Capitalism'
• Day 253: Even Our Waste Kills
• Day 219: The Human Race - Who is Winning ?
• Day 174: Loyalty to Life in Equal Money Capitalism
• Day 181: Applied Equality in Equal Money Capitalism
• Cognition, Consciousness and the Homunculus in the Head - Day 291

Day 231: The Sex Market - Trading in Love & Money

The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My mum sent me a joke to which I reacted, it went like this

Berlusconi's daughter asks her father 'Dad, what is Love?' and he replies 

'Love is when a man takes you to Venice, on a gondola, then takes you for a 5 star dinner, then to a 5 star hotel, buys you nice, expensive things, an apartment, a luxury car and looks after you financially' 

'But Dad, what about feelings and emotions?' 

'Oh Dear, that's Bullshit made up by Communists so they can fuck for free'

She then added, 'I have been a Communist all my Life !'

There are a few reasons why I reacted, one for sure is the ditching of 'feelings and emotions' since like my mother I have been 'mainly' a Communist and have given out sex for 'free' - but just in the sense not for a declared monetary value, the second because I traded sex for 'Love' which is not what 'the Communist do' but what the ones with No Money do to have sex.

We have a Global Sex market going on that we want to cover up with other names, Marriage, engagement, relationships and then, the cherry on the cake: 'Love'.

My student gave me a book to read to try and turn my Mind about 'Love' and my -obviously still attempts- to walk away from it, the book is called 'Love is a God', by Eva Cantarella, I have just read about 40 pages and the same discomfort of my mother's joke came up.

Really, who are we kidding?

This book is about Greek Mythology and summarizes all the 'Loves' that took place among the Gods, mainly Zeus so far who seemed to have a sex appetite second to none and would fuck anything he liked and then coveted either through subterfuge, kidnapping, shape shifting or whatever else he could come up with.

A few Goddesses are mentioned too, usually as victims of poorly handled relationships, like Medea, who got so angry with her husband for dumping her, after all she did for him, including cutting her brother in pieces and throwing him at sea to stop her fathers boat from following her as she run away with her Lover/Husband to be, that as a revenge she came up with an elaborate plan to make him suffer and the most effective thing she could come up with was to kill their children.

My student had already debated with me the point of 'how can anyone not understand Medea, come on, her husband was such a douchebag, after All She did For Him, he tried to dump her AND convince her he was doing it for her own good and the children's best interest - a real thorough bastard' - and he was too.

As I was reading this book I saw the play out of All the relationships Characters of Humanity, there is nothing the Gods used to do that we have not been up to ourselves in deceit and manipulation or in any other horrific way, thanks God we no longer have Zeus's power, Zeus only knows what we would have done with that disappearing and shape-shifting shit.

At the lowest levels of the food chain, we trade Sex for Love, again, not because we can't trade it for Money, just because there is No Money to trade it for, Sex is a commodity we use to manipulate each other and we have moved so far from ourselves as The Physical Body that we no longer understand Sex to be an expression of Self in and as The Physical, but a weapon, an asset, a stock to trade on the market where we exchange Sex for Money or Love as good feelings to chase away the fears we have about ourselves and this world and the lives we live and what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become.

 

Apparently we call that 'Love' and we respect it, as 'Love is a God', and so are We and what an image and likeness we are indeed.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress thoughts and memories of times in which I have clearly seen myself trade mySelf for Love or other things I perceived as "Valuable"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the construct of asking men to do things to 'prove their Love' ranging from waiting to have sex, to telling me something, to making me 'feel' something as I internalized fairy tales in which 'when a man loves a woman, he would do anything for her' and I lived testing this to get to those 'positive feelings ' of worth and value for myself to move out of the way I mostly perceived myself which was 'negative'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at the point of Love as a currency for trading Sex because I have judged this to be bad and I don't want to be a woman that traded sex for anything but prefer to imagine myself as above the sex trading that is happening everywhere, starting with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for trading myself as sexual expression for declarations of Love that were as empty as those I gave in return or to solicit another's declaration of Love for me so I could feel good about myself, even when those declaration were based on nothing substantial but were enough to provide the excuse and means for trading and for not feeling like I was giving out something 'of value' for Free.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that as women we hold the sex game in our hands when I realized that the sex market was only one way and only men were buying it while we were the ones selling it and as such we were the ones to set the price for the sex transactions that would take place and if no money could be squeezed out of it in any form, then 'Love' would do as 'a payment' for the exchange of goods which were valuable because men seemed to want them and be willing to do more for sex than we were

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that those women who have not been playing the "Communist Game' and giving out sex for free, were in fact smarter as they ended up marrying the ones they did not give the goods to for free and marriage is another form of successful trade off on the sex market

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when meeting a man, assess what he can do for me, specifically if he shows an interest, because in that interest the trading has already started and I just had to hold on to the goods to make the price rise and if it rose to 'Love' than I would feel I had achieved something, that I got the value for the goods I was about to give out, and in this separation of myself into a Stock Exchange for trading mySelf in and as my body, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine what I could get out of sexual games with men that I desired, which could be the 'Love' fix or something that ranked valuable on my lists of trade offs, such as being cared for, looked after and within this for never having expressed myself sexually beyond games and manipulations I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the joke my mum sent, because when she implied she has always been a Communist, meaning she never traded well enough for sex, I felt my own disappointment for not having traded sex as well as I could have and then the shame for having traded sex at all for value, acceptance and appreciation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to buy into the idea, ideal, belief and delusion of 'Love' as something valuable, without seeing realizing and understanding that 'Love' was always One and Equal to Fear, with the same physical con-sequences I experienced when I went through fearful moments in my Life and so I duped myself twice with both the idea of Value of Love and the Idea of the Positivity of Love which I never experienced but only imagined because when I 'lived' the experience I always felt anxiety, fear of loss, desire to compete with other women to hold on to this point of Value I created for myself that I then had to hold on to in fear of feeling lessened and diminished

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through the Imaginary experience of Love as fear and for wanting to hold on to this fear as Love fearing that I will no longer feel alive if I let it go, instead of seeing and realizing it is the letting go of it all that will make me real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fail to notice that all our mythology about Gods and Goddesses and Love, which is the original blueprint for the follow up fairy tales, is just bullshit, as the first stories told about Love have nothing 'loving about them' but they describe our dishonesty, lust, desires, jealousy, vindictiveness, cruelty and utter disregard for each other and for Life and that those stories should have been told as a warning that we have not changed yet and not as examples of 'what Love really is', because 'Love' that doesn't support all equally in and as the physical and is not what is best for all, is not real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of 'Love' for good, even though as I wrote in these past days I came to a fence and I realized that I could in fact cross it because there was nothing of value I would leave behind, and yet I still deliberately held on to the fence for dear life, fearing that I would not be me if I did let this one point go, and for standing in the way of my own freedom and of learning to stand on my own two feet, I forgive myself

I commit myself to keep writing about this point of Love until nothing moves inside of me when a trigger presents itself and to see that every step I am taking is an opportunity for myself to redefine what I have been and what I have participated in and as, and to change myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• The Game of Life - The Thing called Love: Day 270
• Day 249: Learned Helplessness Character: The Power to not Give a Shit
• Day 258: Learned Helplessness Character - Consequence & The Lies that Bind
• Day 259: Learned Helplessness Character -The Secret KingDumb of Foul Minds
• Day 229: The Memories of The Way We Were
• Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership
• Men and Their Money: The Old-Fashioned Way

Day 227: Love IS Fear, make no Mistakes.

I am spending lots of time with my student who is 18 years old, some days up to 7 hours, and today the topic of Love came up following the documentary 'The Trap' that we were watching together for his listening skills.

A few interesting things happened as we watched psychologists trying to delve into the Human Mind, one was that he became uncomfortable and said 'I don't see the point of doing all this digging instead of accepting we'll never be perfect because it's just Human Nature'.

Our chat started on these lines, it's interesting that lately we have spent lots of time together, hours for which I don't charge him because we don't just do English but end up chatting away about his life and what he is going through as he has been lonely lately and at odds with himself and since he enjoys staying here I am assuming this is where I need to be as physical support to someone as one with me, as I would like to receive it, would have liked to receive it, when I was growing up in confusion and turmoil at his same age.

On this point of not charging him today my mum made a joke about how 'clever' he is to get "therapy" for free and how 'silly ' I am to give my time for free, because time is Money and the fact that I am not suspending a Money related activity to support him but just diverting time I would spend on the Internet NOT making money, it's still a nagging point, such is life and how we have come to monetize everything we do with each other, for each other, how uncool is that?

Those chats are of great assistance for me as well, as I notice how I either cruise now through a past potential reaction trigger unfazed or I feel the slight reaction coming up, which happened today.

The reaction was about Love, as I said he is a student of classical studies and so by his 18 year of age he has already solidified an opinion about Love, from classical writings such as Greek tragedies of Gods and Goddesses, or books and movies about what Love is and, due to how we keep passing on our own demented views of the world to children, he lost quite a bit of common sense thanks to system and family indoctrination, a spice of religion and adding to this lot, our 'Love' Culture as Italians, the end result doesn't turn the topic into an easy one.

I offered the question 'Is Love Fear?', as we looked at the dynamics of the documentary 'The Trap' that sent him into reactions, which was specifically the point were Family dynamics were questioned as secret Mind games for Power and Control and so we went looking at how love manifests within family relationships, the biggest point that came up in our interaction was not the denial of Love as fear, but the acceptance that Love without FEAR wouldn't be Love somehow, because how do parents demonstrate their Love for their children unless they insist on warnings and worries, how would the children KNOW they are loved?

The second point was 'Can Love be defined objectively?" such as a glass, we may like it or not but a glass is a glass and we may come to an agreement on its definition, a thing that we cannot do about Love since is a subjective make belief experience which usually is best described with 'I can't explain'.

I found this image on Internet as I looked for a picture for the Blog, what stroke me was how I have never experienced Love as it is represented on the Left but in my Mind alone, in fact even this past week when 'Love' came back up in my life as a possibility, so to speak, the first thing I felt was excitement, which is what we connect with Love in fact, but on further digging in self honesty, the excitement was nothing more than Fear, I moved into the fear that I would allow myself to fuck with myself about it and as I have taken off the pink glasses, quite frankly, there was nothing cool or exciting about it, the excitement was a friction I experienced, I felt tense and not relaxed as the chart says and looking back I always mistook this 'tension' for excitement as a 'positive experience' as Love, when in fact I was living most of what is written on the above table on the right, trying to control myself, self judgement, trying to be better than, as in competing for that special place and then when all else failed, destroy it all. 

So the only true thing I saw from this chart is, that on the left there is what we Imagine and like to believe 'Love Is', but it's non physical but Spiritual AKA Mental and then when we try and drag that mental experience in the physical we are left with the truth of how much the experience of Love is about Fear, because in the seeking of Love I am already in separation, in self judgement, in competition as I turn this 'thing as an experience that I must have' into just another Consumerism product I must have access to, hence I build up tension to get there, to get what is not available for all, to get what I must strive for, reach for and as I move away from Me and increase the Gap, the friction I experience increases and the dream is never delivered, Love is basically, in one word and in its best form, Eternally ELUSIVE, it's not meant to be lived but longed for, desired, craved, because when it moves from the Mental (spiritual) to the Physical, the construct doesn't Hold and everything breaks in one million tiny pieces beyond repair.

As I walk those points of 'Love' for myself and what it meant in my Life, and as I realize that unless Love has a physical application of support where the participants are both improved, expanded and have chances to grow and self realize as Life, then Love is really nothing at all, but a self serving Mind/Emotional game.

My point of reaction was when he told me 'You hold a negative view about love and that such a pessimistic view would be something I would rather never embrace - no matter the reality of it' and as he spoke those lines I perceived myself drifting away looking to justify my negative/bleak view on Love because I perceived the departing from my culture to such a point that I felt diminished and went into fear of judgement as a lunatic and, interestingly, as someone not in touch with 'reality'. 

What was cool was that I did not do that, as justifying why I am not negative, as I saw and realized in the moment that those were my own judgements and fears, but stuck to the physical practical explanation of the application of love as support, as an unconditional presence as something that is tangible and takes place in physical reality vs what goes on in our minds where we don't even require another to participate or even worse, we resent another participating and standing in the way of our 'loving feelings' even when they are the apparent reason for them and we could come to a mutual understanding that didn't leave uncomfortability as misunderstandings as I avoided pushing for my own knowledge to be driven home but stuck to what I have self realized as I walk this point.

In this I assisted myself with what Bernard once said, that humbleness is to set aside your desire to be right or to tell someone they are wrong because you see in that moment that your support to them is more important than making a point, and this was a cool example I lived today for myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to what my mother said about time and money, not because of what she said, but because I myself had gone into my Mind evaluating the point that I spend so much time with this boy for which I am not rewarded, but since I did not like this thought to be me thinking such things, I suppressed it and denied, only to have my mother say it our loud and then feel pissed at her, wondering why did she have to mention that since then I would have to look at that point and take responsibility for how I have monetized everything about myself and this existence to the point that I equate my time with money, no matter the fact that I am not in fact 'losing money' but still my time has a Money value I have assigned to it since I was working and since I  have been asked to give my time for money when I was a young kid to help around the house, and for feeling ashamed that I have accepted and allowed myself to live time equal to money and as such live a system of credit and debits relative to the time I give 'freely' to others I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum made that joke and I felt stupid and silly for NOT charging for my time, to reply that I had been given a Christmas cake, which of course just added fuel to the already compounded suppressed thoughts and my desire to believe I am not such a person to monetize everything I do, and for desiring to justify myself so I would stop the self judgement of myself as silly, not business minded enough, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my students overstays, catch myself going into my mind calculating my time x money equation and then, instead of dealing with why this thoughts come up, pop up just because I feel ashamed of them, suppress them as if they were not my thoughts and then justify them as in 'everyone's gotta make a living' when in fact I am just trying to stop the shame without correcting the point, and for feeling ashamed of myself for what I have become relative to Money and Time I forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of others of me as a lunatic out of touch with reality for walking myself out of the Love Construct as if I lost something of myself that I can never get back, and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I in fact fear my own self judgement as having done a terrible thing, having betrayed my 'loving' Culture for Life, because this is the premise of a CULT, to not allow the space for anyone to move out of it and as I am practicing self correcting myself on this point I have activated the CULT defense mechanism to make sure I don't change as I fear who will I be if I will give up the chance to Love and be Loved forever

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my student said basically that 'I am sad' to react within with a sense of diminishment, wanting to justify and explain why I am NOT sad as in a sad old lost soul who has given up all dreams such as 'Love' to get real and what's the point of it, who was I harming with a bit of Love, instead of seeing and realizing that I still resist the complete let go of this construct as I fear having to face the LOSS of such a big important part of my Life that I have used to define myself and to separate myself from others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to see the similarities between my feelings of "Love' and my feelings of 'FEAR' because when and if I did, this game would be over for good and since I defined myself with lines such as 'you are nobody til somebody loves you' you are my everything, my life, my soul' then I feared that I would have to face the nothingness of me beyond my chance to be loved/love again, because I did give up the loving, but not the hoping and for hoping that Love would rescue me from myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live Love in and as fear, fearing to lose the excitement, the perceived More-ness of me as the experience I lived when I did allow myself to move into this construct I have myself created, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Love can only be Real when it's me as Love including everything as Life, and not an 'experience' of energy as a positive/negative experience, but a stable physical application of myself to give as I would like to receive and to push myself beyond my limitations such as mind constructs to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All.

 

Related articles

• Day 222: You are Nobody Till Somebody Loves You - Character
• Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self
• Day 224: "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe".. Joke!
• Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.
• Day 227: Ain't Ye All Gods? - ADC - Part 73
• Day 101 - Fear of Myself

Day 201: When I feel Stupid is Your Fault

Today first day back at the GYM. The gym consultant gave me a possible schedule of classes I could join and told me that today I could start with the 'Dance Fit' Class, she said it was easy enough to restart a fitness program. Reluctantly I went it.

The teacher started by saying that the choreography of the day was difficult, at which I approached her to tell her 'it's my first time should I give up? Is it going to be too difficult?' and she said 'I don't know, TRY!'.

This comment already moved some backchat, what do you mean you don't know, why don't you check in your head if the choreography you set up is for the Bolshoi Ballet or for American Idol and then come back to me with a specific answer?

The truth is I wanted out and she did not give me a reason to walk out, to quit, her fault.

So here starts the dance routine, she said 'we'll do Jennifer Lopez today'. Panic.

Breathe.

The room was full of mirrors like Versailles, amazingly it didn't reflect to me the Hippo in Tutu from Fantasia that my mind makes me out to be since I am out of shape, many women were not looking like Jennifer Lopez either, so my comparison with venom did not kick in in full power, yet as I stepped on like a retard with the on time crowd during the 45 minutes routine, I could only clumsily follow, I felt Stoopid, And stoopid multiplied to infinity in the endless play of the mirrors. 45 minutes of agony reflected back one million times.

While I was at it, I watched the backchat starting, I wanted to blame the teacher, silly fool, for not telling me HOW complicated it was, for not sparing me from feelingl stoopid, not wanting to take responsibility about the fact that it is my own doing, that I am the one that defined what looks fine and what doesn't and now I am just walking into the scenery i designed for myself.

Of course A conversation was going on in my mind as I became aware of my desire to blame the teacher, 'I'm not going to do that' I said to myself firmly playing out the feedback I was supposed to give to the consultant and yet, at the end of the lesson when I met the consultant I had to say that I didn't like the class, that the choreography was too difficult and the teacher 'not so nice' and I hoped she had not highlighted for me other classes with this teacher, instead of just saying I was too out of shape to follow the steps, there was nothing wrong with the class.

So defeated on so many levels, including my commitment to NOT do that thing I do of blaming others, I left the gym, only to stop at the bakery where I met my student, the one that just tries to survive and get the grade that will allow her to pass the year, had a 20 minutes conversation during which she found a million ways to expose why the teachers are stupid and unreasonable and why since she is specifically asked to do more than the meagre exercises she is supposed to do for homework, she can't be blamed for her failures. Heat went up to my ears. I concluded by saying 'come back to me when you want to learn, I can't FORCE this language on you and just so you know, you are fighting for your own limitations'

I huffed and puffed my way back home, of course wanting to blame her now for how far I am into irritation mode. When I got home I asked myself what was so irritating about this little girl trying to survive the system and voila', my own play in front of my eyes, she is trying to blame her teachers for how she feels about herself, stoopid and with no chance at ever grasping what the hell school is all about.

Welcome to the land of Blame, we "the Adults" are holding that candle up for you.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to keep up with the rest of the class at the GYM, because I was new there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fel uncomfortable whenever there is something new to do, in case I don't look my best

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a best and a worse to me, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am those characters that I have created and that I now play out and I judge myself for my performances within my role playing, instead of stopping the role playing so there is just 1 of me to deal with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike looking at myself in the mirrors in case they reflect back my own judgement of myself and when they didn't for wondering why I spend so much time in my mind when the reality I push myself to face never seems as bad as what goes on in the secrecy of my trials in my Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to the fact that I felt stoopid for moving out of time, look for faults in the teacher and in the class so I could feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the patience to learn something new because I have developed the habit to judge myself before I even try, instead of suspending all judgements and just do whatever it is I set myself out to do and correct myself along the way as I learn a new skill

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to find solace in the fact that many women were out of shape because I did compare myself to them as a habit and then decided 'I was not so bad after all', instead of stopping comparison altogether and not using comparison as a way to feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I stopped and had a chat with S., to allow irritation to mount as she looked for endless justifications of why she had a reason to flunk her tests because the teacher used vocabulary 'she is not expected to know' when in my mind I was telling myself that after 13 years of English we should have a fairly extensive vocabulary, so within both the irritation at the system and at the product of the system as S., I wanted to blame her for blaming her teacher in this endless blame game, instead of being me starting to take responsibility for how I feel so others can see the example of what becoming self responsible is all about

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, since I gave in to the irritation that arose from the point of seeing someone else do what I had just done, as in blaming another for the way I felt, lose touch with reality and make myself useless as I was no longer Here and so I missed out on an opportunity to stand as a direction for this kid because I was too engulfed in an energy surge and I had to leave and for giving in to an energetic possession I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'I hope they fail her' which would make me right about the point that she has not been applying herself as she should have done, instead of seeing and realizing we have collectively already failed her, as we taught the children that they have to compete for best marks/grades and not that they are at school to learn something and in so doing we created these little monsters as mini me/us that now play out the Blame game and the It's not my responsibility game to remind us that this is what we are still doing all the time and that we have nothing of value to say until what we say is lived and then shared as the living word and not another dead advise from the deadbeats we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become

When and as I see myself moving into a negative emotion/experience of myself, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I give in then I will seek some ways to swing back into the positive feeling/experience of myself instead of standing stable in and as breath without giving in to myself as The Mind

When and as I see myself moving to blame/attempting to blame or already blaming something/somebody outside of myself for the way I have been experiencing myself, I stop, breathe, tell myself that this is not what I want to live and be one and equal to, instead I take responsibility for how I feel at any moment so I can see where my experiences originated from and release myself from them

I commit myself to stop this blaming game, to stop existing as blame and self judgement that then turns into blame and to find out consistently in self honesty where and how I am still participating in this movement, so I can stop myself and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 170: The (De)Grading of Children - Teacher Character
• Day 57: Fear - of not being in control
• Day 29. The Citizen
• The Poison within Irritation and Anger - Day 217
• Day 220: Determining Intelligence in a World of Idiocy
• Day 192: Social Engineering - PHD for Sale!!! Got Money?

Day 174: Are you Dressed like a Whore? Shut Up and Die

At 7 am this morning I went down to buy cigarettes and passed my baker friend's shop (friend as in someone I know and see regularly) and she called me in.

There was a little drama unfolding which took me a few moments to place together, a young girl who was sitting on a stool was scared to death, trembling and saying 3 men tried to kidnap her but she jumped on a bus and got off where she saw some open shops to ask for help.

My friend was not nice to her, she was irritated and patronizing, somehow in my mind I could not put together the news of this situation of danger and my 'friend''s attitude, this girl explained that 3 men, Romanian, had been following her with 2 cars and 1 van, my friend asked me if I could hold the line with the police as she had to work, as the police did not reply and the line died off, I offered to walk her to the taxi stand but she was too scared to get out of the shop and said the men were outside on the other side of the street, which was in fact true, 3 men stood there were no shops and for no apparent reason looking in our direction while my friend was on the phone to the Police and asked me to hold the line, which I did.

Don't have an emergency in Italy, if you are on hold with the police for 20 minutes it's not an Emergency line, it's an 'answer at your earliest convenience line', we live in a system where everyone is out for themselves, we have not started buying guns just because we have not thought about it yet on a mass scale, but that is where we are heading, as the fears escalate so will the desire to protect oneself, no matter what, 'll shoot your brains out if I have to, welcome to the year 2012 on Planet Earth. If you are in danger you have got to be lucky to survive, if she had not found a shop open what would have been of her? Finally they picked up, I explained the story and they told me our area was, on Tuesdays, not patrolled by them and to call the 'Army' instead as it was their shift. I asked if they think to be an Emergency service or what, they said nothing we can do, so we started again the hold the line with the Army patrol, altogether it took us 30 minutes to speak to them, by that time the baker's husband took the line and told them 'just come out, will you? - we the weaklings have to be helped out, a man coming on the phone is more believable that women who are saying the exact same thing- 3 men are still waiting outside  -which was true- and there is a young girl scared for her life", the phone call went on for over 15 minutes as we had to 'convince' them of the gravity of the situation. My friend justified the police, they don't want to come out, there are so many crimes of these kind and then 'they discover the girls are involved in some sort of deal with the men they want to be saved from.

What is this supposed to mean, I don't care WHY we have to convince them to come out, there is a young girl scared shitless for her life, 3 men wait for her outside, they tried to attack her, why is THIS NOT enough?

My lady friend told her raising her voice 'look, don't bullshit me, did you know these men? how come you are out at 7 am, have you been out all night?" the girl said yes, she said she was out with a friend that she knew for a month and maybe this friend had arranged this little kidnap number. Slowly I realized my friend believed she was in with the men, that her story was made up, unclear, yes it was odd that she knew the guys were Romanian and that her phone rang and she did not pick up, the baker's husband told me one of the first questions of the police was 'How is she dressed?', when I first heard the question I thought it was funny, what do you mean, winter is coming is 7 am, what do you think, a pink tutu?

Then ALL pieces came together, my friend attitude, the police questioning, what they were really asking was 'is she dressed like a whore?', which was what my friend was implying as well, you looked for it, even though she was NOT "dressed like a whore", she had trousers and a jumper she could have been any 18 year old kid, she could have been her daughter EXCEPT that she would NOT allow her daughter to stay out the night with a man she barely knows, and so this made her a whore without the 'whore uniform', because there is a 'whore uniform', it's the one that will give a man a boner, that is THE WHORE Uniform par excellence and since I did not register 'the Uniform' I missed out on all the interactions that were going on about her right to not be raped or kidnapped or thrown onto the street by a racket, women have to earn that right, because let's face it, a WHORE is not as worthy as a NON WHORE, her Life doesn't hold the same value, we want to believe she enjoys what she does, WHORE, we don't care as much either because a WHORE reminds us of how we failed as a society, of how our system that doesn't support Life, supports prostitution on one hand, a porn industry that is creating more and more deviants, an oversexualized society, sex as the means to an end and the last resort of women who have no education and not a chance to tap into the Money System, just to shun it with the other as a social shame, something we don't want to be a part of, so let's clear this up, "Is she dressed like a Whore?", then she should just shut the fuck up and die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my friend when she was being nasty with this girl instead of helpful as I could not see she was reacting out of Fear to be involved with a prostitution ring and what that would imply for herself and her business and basically her own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Prostitutes are worth less than other women because they took 'the easy way into the money system' which is an Urban legend because fucking men you don't like and that bring to the bed all their distorted desires and sexual perversions, including violence  cannot be 'the easy way out' of anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated with this girl when it downed on me that she must have known the men, because saying they are Romanian, is not like saying they are Chinese, which is a visible physical trait, and we don't have Romanian plates for cars, so I realized she must have known the men and hence she was lying which meant she was involved in whatever was taking place and not being honest about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react inside when I realized this girl was hiding something, without realizing that she was not being honest about it because she feared the judgements we would make if she did honestly say what really happened and that this habit we have of judging each other and the fear of judgement we have is part of the reason why we have developed a society of liars as we have not investigated how to stop these fears and just out ourselves so we can face the problems we have as a society and work to fix them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitution is 'women's fault' because they are the Sellers and they are doing the Pandering as in the exploitation of Men's weaknesses, when in fact if we had a system in place that supported Life Equally and women from birth to death we would see that men would be left with their 'weaknesses' to sort out by themselves and the alleged 'pandering' would immediately end, proving the system failure and not the women's failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Prostitution to burning tires on the highway, where women made bonfires to display their goods and entice men like moths to the flame and for seeing in this the sole women's responsibility, because if there was no flame there would be no moths attracted to it and therefore it was clearly women's fault and they should carry the blame and the shame for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more and superior than a prostitute because I have not done the tires bonfires even though I have done the 'dressed like a whore' according to what men defined as 'dressed like a whore', such as in dress in a way to excite their fantasies and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that we are all prostituting to a system for Money and that the degree to which we become visible in HOW EXACTLY we do that only depends by how much money we have to cover up the whoring we do in every field of life and as such none of us is better or more than a prostitute and by no means any of our lives is worth more than the life of a prostitute

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that the reason why we take away voting rights to prostitutes that have been caught prostituting, is because we don't want them in our society as they are not worthy of representing themselves as part of it and part of the vices and depravetion we practice in secret and that we in fact FEAR to have prostitutes admitted to the society as members of it, which they are, just because that would be the admittance of out utter failure as a society to protect everyone and guarantee a dignified life for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the association with prostitutes and the problems that may arise from it, and for reacting today when the 3 men left after the police drove the girl home, driving away, honking their horns which I  interpreted as scorn, as to say, 'we'll get her next time' and for feeling that there is nothing we can do to correct this system until we stand up and declare that this has to stop, that Money and Profit has to be removed as the driving force of this world, because it has made life worthless and there is nothing we won't do to secure our place within a system of abuse even if that means abusing and harming others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitute are not like other women, because they are stained, dirty and their choices are inexcusable, instead of seeing that I feared what I would have done in their place if I too was born on the edge of a society where my only choice was to sell my body or die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted with the story of Jesus and the Magdalene, as if that story proved the greatness of Jesus that he could 'even forgive a prostitute for her sins', a prostitute, the scum of the earth, the worst of the worse, missing out the message of the parable, the message of Equality and of Self Forgiveness, were a prostitute that holds the blame and the shame of this utter failed system can release herself by stopping to believe in her own inferiority to stand as an Equal to everything and everyone in Existence

I commit myself to promote the Equal Money System as a solution to the Wrongs of this World, which include Prostitution as having to sell your body to make a living as a last resort, while I walk this correction as myself as the system, to stop all abuses within and without

I commit myself to stand as an example of a process of Self Correction to show that we don't have to live this way, that whatever role we have played, the abuser or the abused and/or both, we can stand up and self correct this sorry excuse of an existence into what is Best for All, as we land back on this Planet together to see what is REALLY going on, what we are REALLY participating in and accepting and allowing and that any girl that ends up on the street could be your daughter, your sister, your mother and if we don't like this as a choice for our Family, why isn't the World our family, why do we justify Prostitution as something that always existed, always was, the oldest trade of all times, instead of registering the point that 'shit, have we been having THIS PROBLEM' for such a long time and not looked for a solution to it? Let's get on with it !

I commit myself to walk my own Self Correction into the physical and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

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