I want to write about this experience I have had for a few years now, which has to do with the experience I go through when I discover 'something new' about the world - which is usually bad/sad/horrible - and I end up feeling crushed by it.
This experience has been with me for almost 6 years now and I have only recently realized that I have an attachment to feeling bad, mainly because I worked hard to only 'feel good' for almost 10 years of my life, when I joined the 'Think Positive' Movement in all its fringes and prophets, it's like I have to now 'pay this price', like if Getting Real should be about really Feeling Bad about the State of Things, The State of the World, the State of Myself when I look at how many programs I still run on that are not best for myself or All Life.
Some days I feel so bad that I get nauseous and then it seems like I can't identify in that moment what the cause is for that ill-being, when in fact it's just a long standing accumulation of disappointments, like I had appointed myself to see the world in a certain way until I woke up and the crash was so big that I didn't really know how to handle it or basically, how to change my rosy theresareasonforeverything world view to WTF!
So I can see that there was a sort of fall from Grace that I haven't really addresses specifically enough to grant myself permission to go on and live, because there's no choice really, here I am and I can drag my feet through this Life as a demented Shocked Zombie or stand up, dust off the disappointment, the shock, the sadness, the guilt and shame and keep walking a path of personal correction as my contribution to the Change that I want for myself and the rest of Existence.
So I am going to walk backward to the first point of shock that I haven't released, realized - to let go of all the energy I have accumulated on top of it afterward and consequentially all the moments that I saw I could break through but did not because 'it was just all too much'.
So, the first point of shock was when I discovered that there were Cancer cures available in this world and people didn't know about them.
I remember a feeling of devastation as I spent time with healers that told me things about people with cancers that were gone through fasting or through other alternative cheap modalities that were derided in the mainstream medical establishment.
I guess this first fall from Grace was because I had not yet come to understand the economics engines of this world and what they were geared for, take the medical establishment which was obviously engineered to create patients and not recovered ex-patients and how far they would go to ensure their supply of sick people would never end.
This seemed particularly EVIL to me because I had attached to the Medical Profession - guys with White Coats who spent years getting an Education to Save Lives - a positive connotation, so here I can see how the pattern plays out of having extreme difficulties in switching gear and accept that what I thought and believed to be Good - was in fact not so.
As well I can see a tendency of me as The Mind to just want to have clear labels to live by, like in Disney Cartoons, where the Bad Guys are clearly Bad and the Good ones clearly good and not feel forced to live into these grey dimensions of 'sometimes they are good, sometimes not - some of them are good - but not all of them'.
From there it was a slippery slope down, to the point that one day I sat on my computer and googled this question 'who knows we are in Hell?'
That would be about when I met Desteni and The Portal.
At the time I bombarded myself with tons of other information about the world and the nature of the world as a reflection of ourselves, I didn't have the same experience as some others walking my same Path of Correction, I felt bad almost throughout All of the Videos I watched, I could never see the silver lining in any of the information shared, not because there wasn't, just because it wasn't The Silver Lining I Wanted.
I wanted a solution for sure, I just didn't want THAT Solution, I didn't want all the responsibility On Me, come on, being responsible in every moment of Breath for my thoughts, words and deeds? Seemed fucking delirious at the time - I could barely NOT Act on my Thoughts at that stage, which in my opinion made me better that those that did, I was one step ahead of the Game, I was good because I could have a really nasty thought and not act on it, not speak it, suppress it with pot, sex, food, anything would be better than Act on it - good enough for me.
Unfortunately what I came to understand was that, aware or not, everything I had created, participated in, accepted and allowed for myself and others in this world, had become ME, maybe this was really the most shocking thing of them all.
So, basically, I joined this Process of Correction out of Guilt and Shame and walked it anyway, carrying/dragging myself through these negative emotions and suppression, so today, I am not here to judge myself or to say I was not honest with my process because I see that I did a hell of a job carrying/dragging myself through it despite all of these negative emotions, which were not my motivators because the motivation was my understanding that Yes, I have done that, been that, I can see in me everything that is Not working in the world, I can see how my existence either becomes a testimony for a new way of Living and a New World for All or I will be part of the Problem.
And So I walked this process regardless of how I felt about it, about me, about the world.
It took me several years to really start having a glimpse of what Process is, first because this word is quite charged for me and I never took the time to clear it
Process - like trial in Italian - Processo
Process as processed things - like Food - not good
instead of Process as something in the Process of being turned inside out, to give birth to something new, a real Alchemy of Matter, an Alchemy of moving what really Matters into a Living Expression, processing one self from serfdom and automation to a Living and Breathing Being - forgifting myself everything that I was not given, born with, engineered for.
So, time to transform Process as Penance, to a Living Expression of Myself as a decision I make, not because I am unworthy to live the way I am but because there's so much more to me that I can express in this Life, if I dare to take the steps to address what I don't like/approve of me into what I decide I want to be beyond my current, perceived, limitations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I fell from Grace when I faced this world for the first time, real-eyesing what we were dealing with, inside and out of ourselves
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into Fear when it came to me having to For-give myself, instead of leaving the task to an unknown invisible entity like the Universe or a Supreme Being, because I wasn't sure I would be up to the task to give to myself as I would have liked to receive, not seeing realizing and understanding that no one else can for-give to me what I can see I can become as my utmost potential - but myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pride myself about the belief I held that things were quite simple 'either black or white' accepting only the 'greys' I had already fathomed in the blackandwhite equation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Life is not about opening up to the limited 'greys' we have already equated but it's about expanding beyond black/white and grays to include everything that exists, from the small to the big until I can stand equal to all of existence without shame or guilt for what we have collectively created and conveniently disowned
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that no one can possibly be responsible for themselves in every moment of breath, simply because I reaped the benefits of my automated irresponsible existence til then and I didn't want to have to make the effort of being aware of myself at all times and about how I was creating my thoughts, words and deeds while I blamed the Creator that created us, instead of seeing that this process was a chance for me to make myself better than the Creator of me did - as the Creator of myself - as I accept responsibility for myself and everything that exists - equal and one- to redesign me into the best possible version of myself and in so doing contribute to the creation of the best possible piece of this world that I can be, changing the world - as me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since we were in Hell already, I could only live the rest of my life as a sad, hopeless, crushed existence that has become aware of its hellish condition, instead of fully comprehend that this process was a Gift, was the forgiftness that we were graced with as a way out of what we have been - on the road to our utmost potential
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this moment of Grace was not 'given to me' as an undeserving being, but it is for me to give to myself, to give myself Worth as Life - to stop the cycles of shame and guilt that lay deep down each one of us for creating such a world that doesn't honour Life - and so ourselves as Life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of Grief for who I have been, what I thought, said and done to myself and people around me as I accepted my automated life of reactions vs embracing my response ability to Not React but make decisions in every moment, that would be solutions for myself and others, to create a Life of Harmony inside and outside of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to under-stand the information I gathered about existence and how it all came about, because I accepted and allowed myself to be sucked into an existential fear that everything was too big, too screwed up, too far gone for anyone to be able to address a credible change in any way, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the information we received were meant to empower us to stop this specific design, to realize that whatever has happened is now past and while not gone, we have tools now to address our lives from beginning to end, correcting, realigning and becoming expressions of what the world we would like to live in would be - so I walk this process of moulding myself into what I could have been and what I can still be as I stop giving in to my Mind that wants to decide for me, as me, who I should be in every moment as reaction vs self expression, deciding the best outcome for all in every moment of choice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be put off by the word 'Process' as processed meat, processed food, as Trial, as pro-cess - aka toward/supporting the toilet lol, instead of seeing Process for what it is, an alchemical process of transformation of Matters, of Matter, of what Matters, from inconsequential to willingly, aware-ly consequential, where my actions, words and thoughts exists in alignment, where I have nothing to hide, regret or be ashamed of because I work to exist as the best possible version of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a step back from my process as I felt the information I was receiving, the points we were opening up, the paths we walked to make our changes real - were the problem and the source of how I felt, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that nothing happens inside of me that I have not created and that in taking response-ability for my Creations, I get the access key to change the relationships I have formed with things, people, events and memories in my Life - and that in truth - there's no Power Greater than the one found within Self Responsibility and the Ability Each One of Us can Gift to ourselves - to Change.