Saturday, March 28, 2015

Day 454: Releasing The Perception of a Suffocating Mother




I have been aware that I need to work on this point for some time, quite unfortunately I am aware that I still tend to learn through consequences or to wait for consequences to make it clear that if I delay more on a point I will timeloop and have to live it again.

This is the case with this perception that I have about my mother, the key work here is 'suffocating/suffocation', this word is so much a key to the way I perceive her that some of my friends are able to pick it up within me as if this is what my mother does - for real-, instead  that that word existing in and as my own experience of my mother, a version of my mother I have created that may even have little or nothing to do with her - we'll see.

So, this perception of being utterly suffocated by this woman goes back a long time, my mother believed in keeping a tight leash on me as I grew up, looking back frankly, quite appropriately, because I grew up in the Bronx of Milan, where drug dealing was the norm and a tiny fruit stall in the square in front of my house, used as a cover up for some illicit affairs, was regularly set on fire by rival gangs.
Let's say it was not the best environment to let a child loose.

My mum was not deeply religious either, as some Italians are, this as well contributed to her perception that she had to do most of the work other mothers leave up to God, so she was fiercely protective of me and she rathered be the one to know where I was at all times than spend a prayer to trust me in the mighty hands of the Divine.

All of these things and many of her energetic outbursts contributed to me associating what I felt when around her to Her personally, never seeing, realizing or understanding that I was the one making associations, defining moments and her within them, moments when I felt uneasy or tense or utterly scared or angry as her doing and not my doing, shifting the responsibility for what happened inside of me onto her - to the point where every emotion that came up within me as a result of interacting with her - I blamed it on her.

So, the relationship with my mother has been characterized by these main character play outs - the victim, the rebel, the rightful, the scorned and of course, last but not least - the suffocated one.

I will now apply one of the tools I have learned walking with Desteni to release the layered energy build ups in relation to this point and what is around it.
By the way I want to  share that since I have been walking with Desteni and have consistently applied the tools, specifically about the relationship with my mother, I have been able to change many of our dynamics, just 2 days ago, when she went beserk over something, I was able to not allow this to blow into a full possession on my side and even though she went into the same blameful dynamic of making me responsible for how she felt over something I said, I did not fuel the progression because I was not as charged as I used to be toward her, which gave me the advantage of holding a space for her to let loose without me loosing myself within in or taking what she was saying personally, so these tools WORK - this is a proven fact.

Self forgiveness is not a magic wand, I know because it didn't make my mother disappear -hehe- what it did for me was giving me space, so instead of living in a convoluted cloud of emotions and feelings and thoughts, I built up space inside of myself and yes, sometimes I fell and still fall and let a fuck off run loose, but then I pick myself up, reassess the point, see why I reacted, where I am still emotional, what I can correct to become more stable and stop blaming others for how I experience myself.

Regarding my mother for example I realized that when 'I loose it' she has nothing to do with it, she is just role playing and every role needs an antagonist. It is when I stopped being the antagonist that I started to create opportunities for change for her as well. Not that this matters because I can't be responsible for her change, or anyone else for that matter, but it shows that what we do affects others, and if we don't stop our role playing, our polarity swinging, our energy building, we'll keep going the same direction we have gone so far, into the hellish existences we have created for each other and have justified because 'she/he did that first/said that first/thought that first and told me to go fuck myself first' and in that we miss the basic point of our collective change -
forgiving means letting go of our idea of a valid retribution/restitution - there won't be any, if we held on to that we would be stuck into these cycles of ex I stance forever more instead of gifting to ourselves and each other the gift to break free, because we never considered before that we may deserve better than what we have created so far and as we do we'll see that everyone else does as well, this is why we have started a movement for-giving to each other the chance to start anew to create ourselves and our futures as something we can be proud of.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my emotional world to my mother and to believe she was the one generating emotions inside of me - instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I was the one IN CHARGE, creating all sorts of energies as a consequences of the thoughts I accepted and allowed inside myself about her, her words and her actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and say out loud that my mother is a 'suffocating woman' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was associating my feeling of 'being suffocated' by all the energies that I created and juggled inside myself to her, because she happened to be around at the same time when and while I was creating these experiencing in and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was angry at my mother for the way I felt when I allowed myself to be triggered into an emotional reaction by some words she spoke or things she did that I took personally instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was unable to manage her emotional world and that she was just overflowing what she could no longer contain and that was not personal or meant to harm me but was her pressure valve going off with those closest to her as that's where she felt safest to let loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized by my mother as if she was the abuser and I was the abused, when in fact I have equally abused both myself by participating in emotional possessions and her by copying the same pressure cooker valve system and within this for believing that it was ok to blame her for what I felt and experienced just because she blamed me for what she felt and experienced

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to rebel to her authority to the point that I run away from home when I was 17 just to get away from all the crap and commotion that was going on in my home and for not seeing realizing and understanding that I was reacting to the belief that she was the cause of my own experiences of myself and what I was rebelling against instead of seeing the real cause of my own experience of myself which was me as the Mind and all the conflicting thoughts and beliefs I was trying to manage at the same time that were generating extensive friction and uneasiness inside of me for which my mother had no response-ability at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my  mother for throwing away 20 + years of my life smoking pot because 'if she had not been the asshole that she was' I would never have resorted to 'self medicating' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I conveniently blamed my mother for how I experienced myself because blaming her gave me carte blanche to be a total ass and to reject any responsibility for myself because 'there was this obsessive woman' doing all the work anyway - which meant I was not required to and I could just cruise away as a free spirit and never be the lame woman I came to believe she was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons to criticize my mother as I grew up because I wanted reasons that showed I was right and she was wrong and that the physical repulsion I have developed for her was in fact justified by the very long list of things I accumulated against her - like the terrible shoes she wore even being born in Italy -forgodssake-, the fact that she mismatched the colours that she wore, the fact that she wouldn't wear make up to look good to the point that in my eyes she became this dysmorphic creature born in a family of good looking people, which meant she must have been really evil at heart because beauty=good and she had none of it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was ashamed of my mother because 'she didn't look good' and because I took on from my grandmother this value of being beautiful and groomed and listened to all the criticism my grandma made about my mother, about the way she looked, about the way she thought, about the men she chose that would never stick around long enough to prove she was worthy of a relationship and within this I forgive myself for the shame and the anger I felt when I sat down while my grandmother spoke about my mother in ways that hurt me but kept quiet because I hoped to be in her good books when she would die and leave her money to me and not to such an undeserving woman as my mother was in her eyes, until she was that in my eyes as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dirty and untrustworthy for not standing up for my mum when my grandmother and my grandfather spoke about her like she was just a ball of untamed emotions without seeing realizing and understanding that they too were into the blame game and that my grandmother wanted no responsbility for my mother's feelings of not having been wanted when she abandoned her as a child and so she worked hard to make my mother guilty and undeserving so she could feel better about what she did and within this for allowing myself to copy this behavior of making others guilty for my own feelings and emotions and then trying to belittle them to prove that it was always them at fault and not me in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my mother was not a good mother and that was the reason why I turned out the way I did and for telling her when I gave up pot that I had been addicted for a long time, just so she would know that everything she said and did to me didn't go without consequences, justifying this disclosure as 'explaining myself' so she would stop to take some things personally while in the background I run my little extortion racket where I knew she would move into guilt and I would have my own little revenge while she took on the blame for my own existence so that I could keep on living irresponsibly and not feeling bad about it - because it was her fault if I resorted to pot to manage my own experience of myself - self created - inward generated and outward projected and blamed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted by my mother, strangulated, suffocated, believing she was the one doing this to me, instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that I was a victim of my own mind let loose and never directed and that I used pot to find some breath in between emotional possessions and that I felt ashamed of this vice that I then glorified into a lifestyle and a choice and this made it even more important and vital for me to blame my mother because I was looking for ways to get rid of the shame of my existence and as she blamed her mother and my grandmother blamed her daughter, it seemed a fit choice for me to join in the blame game and blame them both and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the blame game and in construct of superiority and inferiority to try and justify why I was not responsible for the choices I had made and who I had become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I had created an 'Inner Mother' using bits and pieces of the most unpleasant memories that I stored about my relationship with my mother and that I have used this inner Mother as a stick to beat myself up with and a measure to check any of my decision against and that the friction I caused inside myself by living 24/7 with this Inner Mother I myself created, I then blamed it onto my real mother, making her responsible of the inner turmoils I lived relative to the inner dialogues I had between myself and my self created Inner Mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was always the one and only using the rod on myself that I blamed my mother for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my inner mother may say about some decisions I want to make, in fact about any decision I want to make, because, as I realized as a child that I had no power to make my mother happy consistently, I created an internal mother I tried to please at all times, not seeing realizing and understanding that it would be impossible for me to please a character I have created within me using the worst pieces of my relationship with my mother and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this Inner Mother to support my ideas and beliefs about my real mother as being 'bad' as I could bend my own created mother character to take the most despicable stands in my life and then believe that is what my mother would do, given a chance, when in fact I have proved over and over again to myself that the only reason my mother still surprises me is because she refuses to match my own Cruella De Ville fantasy character and she has proved to be way more reasonable than the character I created and kept alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up memories between my real interactions with my mother and my imaginary interactions with the self created mother inside of me until I can always prove that I am right, that I have a point and within this for not giving myself the opportunity to get to know my mother for real, giving her a chance to step out of my imagination to become a physical living being, not giving to her what I am seeking for myself, to stop being puppeettered by myself and others so I can start becoming a real flesh human being and within this I forgive myself for not having given what I want for myself, a life, life as a breathing living being - to my mother and to myself, equal and one


I commit myself to, if and when  a feeling of suffocation, being suffocated, constricted, oppressed comes up in my solar plexus, to stop, breathe, see what it is that has moved energies within me, take responsibility for it and release it through self forgiveness without blaming it on anyone else and in the specific, without blaming it on my mother

I commit myself to release the Inner Mother I have created within and as myself by letting go all of the unpleasant memories that I have stored to design this character in a Cruella De Ville-ish way to prove that I was always right and my mother always wrong - which allowed me to justify my emotional upheavels for which I now commit myself to become response-able and direct them to a correction

I commit myself to, if and when a point of friction comes up between me and my mother, to stop myself from going and playing it out in my mind first to check what my internal fictional Mother would say or do in an attempt to not be surprised and to be in control of my emotions and feelings outcomes, instead I can stop, breathe and communicate with my mother in the real physical world what it is that bothers me and how can we find together a solution that works for both

I commit myself to, if and when my mother should go off the rocket to stop and breathe, to not pick and choose what I will store of what she says to later use against her but to understand it's just an energetic blow up that I don't need to take personally and that doesn't define me in any way - so that I can be a safe space for her to let loose when she can't contain her energetic build up anymore - without being affected by it in any way

I commit myself to for-give to myself and my mother a chance at starting a real relationship based on communication in the present moment about present things and to always seek solutions and not friction in our interaction, fixing this one relationship for good for myself and all of existence, equal and one




Friday, October 3, 2014

Day 450: Going Crazy over People Who Are Late




I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at A. for going 1 hour late to the appointment I made for him and within this for getting angry at myself for getting angry at him

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in my view I am absolutely right, like this point of lateness, to feel that I am entitled to get angry because it is the other person's wrong that is making me angry because if they had gone/come 'on time' I would not be angry and in this there is the proof that it's all their fault

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to point out how the story unfolded and how I was so clear about 'tell me a time, anytime you want but then stick to it, please' and because of this I was more than entitled to go berserk because I perceived this 'going late' as 'being taken for a ride', as having lost importance, value because I have invested value in the point of 'people being on time to prove that they value me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that any value invested outside of myself makes me fragile, brittle as my value depends on what someone else does and on how they perceive things as important or unimportant and within this for having accepted and allowed myself to invest value in 'being on time' both as me being on time and others being on time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother telling me to 'always be on time' because she had been traumatized by the only delay her father had in her life that turned into tragedy when they received the news he had been found dead with his bicycle in a ditch and within this for imprinting the message 'if you care about me you would never be late' as myself to live out with others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother telling me 'if he cares about you he would not have made you wait' at which moment I felt ashamed because I had been kept waiting proving to others that the boy I was seeing did not care about me and within this for accepting and allowing that moment of shame to be tied into people being late as my loss of value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not caring about me because 'they were/are late' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am just projecting this lack of care I have for myself to sort out this issue of 'caring for myself' onto others and this is one point where I can use this projection effectively because it was done to me by someone who 'loved me' and thus I can do it to others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always like 'being on time' within a feeling of stress in fear that if I let someone down and I am late than they will think 'she doesn't care about me' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this 'being late' point is my own creation whichever way I play it out and within this for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that don't feel the same stress about 'being on time' because it seems unfair that I should be the only one going through this at both end instead of addressing the 'being on time point ' to its solution within me and not expecting others to live out my same patterns so I can normalize them instead

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated last night when I played out this whole scenario again and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that all the thoughts that followed such as 'it's useless, I will never change or enough, I want out of process because it's not working' were all excuses that I used to justify why I was still reacting about a point that I saw clearly some time ago and within this for not supporting myself to sort out the 'being on time' point because too much time had gone by from when I saw this point and hence it would be useless, hopeless, worthless to be addressed in detail because 'I had missed the boat'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put value on time because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'time is money' and within this statement accept all the outflow consequences such as irritation and impatience when someone uses up my time, that I had not set aside to give unconditionally, in exchange for nothing, wasting my time, wasting it because it was in no way monetized and within this for having accepted and allowed my whole life to be monetized for my time instead of questioning this construct that we accept and live out everyday as if it were 'normal' and the 'way things are'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to cut out of my life the people who are never 'on time', seeing them as a waste and within this for valuing more those that can be 'on time' compared to those that can't be on time, instead of simply directing the point in a way that works for all, such as not expecting those that have not sorted out their relationship with time management to be on time and to use that point to define my value or their level of 'caring'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel that if I do not react to those 'abusers' who are always late, who waste my time, who don't respect me or care about me than I am deserving the 'abuse' and as such I must react and tell them off so they know where I stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'not being on time' as abuse and for then reacting to my own definition of 'not being on time' blaming it on another and feeling weak if I didn't stand up for myself in anger instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one abusing myself through an energetic reaction and by not be willing to let go of this definition of myself because I believed that 'this is who I am' vs seeing this is who I came to believe I was based on memories and my own self definitions of an external event that I can change by no longer accepting myself to be defined by it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as uncaring and inconsiderate whenever I have been late and for fearing this judgement of myself about myself and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was inconsiderate and uncaring in general by extending this definition of myself to spill over other parts of my life by telling myself 'you don't care about anybody' fuelling this idea about myself through one single point relative to being 'on time' -or else- instead of changing my definition of what 'being on time' means, which is just to - possibly, all things considered - meet at an agreed time and that not doing so doesn't define me, nor others, nor my relationship for the better or worse

When, as and if I see myself becoming irritated about the 'being on time' point, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have walked this point to remove the blame for others about how I feel within it and immediately take responsibility for this point, breathe, stabilize myself, remind myself it's not personal nor it defines me and move on

When and as I see myself wanting to bring up all other times when someone was late, wasted my time, was, in my opinion, uncaring and inconsiderate, to prove my case, I stop, breathe, see what is the negative experience I am accessing and release myself from it through self forgiveness and physical self corrective application by not giving in to it nor normalizing it in any way

I commit myself to stop reacting to people not being 'on time', to not take it personally and to not let such a point define who I am nor my worth and value in any way any more.


Monday, September 22, 2014

Day 449: Rejecting the Positive while Still Afraid of the Negative




Today reading the writings of a friend I realized this point, I had been told to investigate the 'positive thinking' for myself as I had lived so much this doctrine I had physically become it, but when I met Desteni and I understood Positivity as just one of the polarities we live and play out, I just rejected it, trying to create a buffer between myself and it, basically between me and myself.
Did that work? No
On top of this, having rejected the negative for many years diligently, the fear of the negative staid with and as me, so much so that some days I feel as if I have no place to be, stuck between not wanting to be positive and rejecting negativity without clearing myself from my judgements of what is negative, I end up living in a sliver of existence carved out between the two.

So, here I will share my SF for my participation as the rejection of the positive and the fear of the negative experience of myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in fear the first time someone told me 'positivity and positive thinking, you have become it', because I was aware that I did not understand in full the implications of this statement and hence I did not know how to move with it to correct myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reject anything that I see as positive, positive thinking, positive projected outcomes believing that if I could distance myself enough from positivity I would have it sorted out, forgetting the point 'you have become it' that I should have dealt with, positivity as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being glad about an outcome or a potential outcome as 'positive' and within this for rejecting the idea of an outcome that may work for myself and others as something not desirable, not to be desired because positive instead of correcting my energetic label about it and see the outcome for what it is, just best for me or best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that since 'I had become it', meaning the very polarity construct of someone seeking the positive, I could balance it out seeking the negative as in what I have defined as negative, calling it 'realism' while in the process missing out the point that I was still in full polarization but just on the other side of the swing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that you are either positive or negative at the core and that there is nothing in between and within this belief for seeking how to live in a tiny space between negativity and positivity, trying to not make waves, not enjoy myself too much (positive) and nor to embrace the world for what it is because it's too sad (negative), finding myself paralyzed at times inside a space that didn't allow myself to see clearly the outcome of a point as I was too busy not being positive and not moving into the negative - to even exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still reject at a physical level any experience of negativity, for reacting to it and for then forcing myself into it as a way to prove to myself that I can be negative because 'I have not become positivity itself' instead of looking at how I have polarized my words and my world and freeing myself from my own definitions so I can start emerging as myself wherever I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define positive the following things, feeling good, having good relationships, making money, having a good life, being involved in the world at a certain level and not just surviving, being good looking and fit and for charging these expressions of myself with a positive energetic experience so much so that when I rejected positivity I moved to reject all the experiences I had myself labeled as positive, cutting myself out from reaching my utmost potential in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I reacted to posting the Principled Life Commitments that I know I want to walk with my group, I was afraid that I could not reach my utmost potential because all my potential was locked into polarized self definitions one way or another (positive or negative) that I would have to unlock before I would be able to access it as self expression and it seemed too daunting to even consider it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people that I define as negative because they touch upon subjects that I have defined as negative or they have an attitude that I have defined as ass-holish and as such, negative, and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am reacting to the self defined energetic content of my own definitions within myself as the mind because by defining negativity as negative, I tend to hop and skip through it whenever I face the experience I defined as 'negativity', its causes and its source, to be done with the experience that I fear as quick as I can, instead of addressing the source point and letting it go by releasing the energetic content and then redefining the label, the word in a self supportive way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a self defined negative event occurs in my life, such as a fight with my mother, to perceive myself as diminished for participating in a negative event, instead of removing my judgement of the event, the fear of the 'negative' label as to empower myself to see what happened for real and make the required corrections

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how much I was missing out stuck between two polarities that I came to believe to be 'evil', living in a constant state of friction within and as myself instead of, when an event takes place, breathe, look at any possible energetic label that exists in and as me relative to the event, release the energetic content and assess what I can do to move myself out of it and find a solution that works for all

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by the perception of being squeezed into a tiny spot, I stop, breathe, look at what I am holding a judgement about within a polarity mindset, release the energetic content in both directions and see how I can move myself from where I am into stability through breathing while I look for the reasons why I am accessing that specific experience so I can correct myself

When and as I see myself trying to assess in automatic if something is positive or negative through how I feel about an event, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that nothing is positive or negative unless it is seen through the limiting eyes of myself as the mind and that I can always find a solution for moving myself out of where I am by removing the energetic definitions of any event and move to look for the common sense practical solution within it

When and as I see myself perceiving myself as lost unless I define something automaticaly within polarity so as to know where to stand, which at this moment has become pretty much nowhere as I squeeze myself in between two impossible, refused charges, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have seen the point of what I do and look for the energetic charges either positive or negative or both that are generating this experience of myself as stuck between a rock and a hard place and correct myself

I commit myself to stop existing as an energy puppet and to reclaim my sovereignty over myself, my life and my own decisions beyond polarities of negative and positive or bad and good by investigating where are the labels, the charges I have submitted myself to that constrict me into a specific stance and to move to removing them with self forgiveness and self corrective application, one by one, until it's done




Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Day 446: The Various Dimensions of Name Calling





Do assholes exist? Asshole has been one of my favourite curse words, what I realized yesterday is that name calling of any kind, and that includes any name we use to justify WHY we react to someone so it can be stupid, ignorant, selfish, arrogant, self centered etc, is in fact Hidden Blame.

So I will walk my self forgiveness to bring up on paper how I established this pattern, specifically with my mother and how to release myself from it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are people deserving of a label that absolves me from my responsibility of looking at why and how I reacted in a specific moment, placing the blame on them for 'who and how they are' which I make into a fact within my mind, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just a perception that I use/used to justify why I was right in reacting to them because they 'were wrong' and I was right

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this habit of coming to the desire to call my mother names stems from childhood, when I felt impotent and a victim to her behavior that I perceived as abusive, because when she used specific words and tones I would react and hence made her the source of my experience of myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the only one creating the experience of myself through my own participation in backchat, thoughts and the resulting emotions and she was just the one on which I projected the blame for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always dream of a time when I would not live close to my mother and within this dream, not see realize and understand that I blamed her for my own experience of myself believing that if I did not have to be subjected to her presence and her unstoppable need to provide opinions as facts about me and my life then I would be free and within this for jailing myself into whatever experience arose in me when in the company of my mother instead of applying myself to free myself from this idea/belief so it would not matter where I lived and what she said about me and my life at any given time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take what my mother says personally instead of seeing it as just her own experience of me and her own judgements as a Mind and using what she says as a guideline to my own suppressions and reactive points if and when I see myself react in any way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not look in specificity at moments in which I either wanted to call my mother an asshole or did call her an asshole because it was easier to blame her for my reaction than looking at the core point behind it and correcting myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive people that want to lay their experience and projections on me and come up with all sorts of assumptions about me and my life and the people within it, as assholes instead of looking at what exactly made me react within what they said and in this case for blaming my mother for saying out loud what I had thought about my ex boyfriend anyway that I made OK in my thoughts because 'I am entitled to my own opinion' and then blaming her for her belief that 'she is entitled to her opinion' just because her opinion is about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that she is really an asshole for saying 'I will drive how the fuck I want' when I told her to drive carefully when she decided suddenly to leave, instead of spending the night together as we planned and that I was therefore justified in just saying 'what I thought about her/give her a piece of my mind', instead of looking at the point in self honesty that I had already started accumulating reactions while she was expressing what I deemed as an uncalled-for opinion and that I was just waiting for a point when I could act out my reactions within an excuse that made it ok

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother for always expressing opinions I did not ask for instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I have expressed opinions in my life that I have not been asked for because I held on to my 'right to have my own opinion' about something or somebody and to express it even when I saw that it was escalating into friction and conflict and that I would not be able to direct the outcome if I allowed it to blow out of proportion -just so I could stick to my right to have my own opinion about something or someone while valuing  myself as the mind more than stopping friction and conflict with someone on the spot

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that my ex boyfriend was a free loader and did not contribute as much as he could have to our household but did not take the time to defuse that 'opinion' about him which was just an assumption with no undeniable foundation in physical reality, leaving a sore point open for when someone would express their opinion about it and then believing my reaction was about it and not about my own opinion of what went on that I had not taken the time to walk through, forgive and let go

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid and taken advantage of when my mother said what I had thought out loud and for wanting to give her my opinion about the fact that she was maybe projecting her own relationships on me, so that she would stop being so high and mighty and righteous instead of considering that if I shared a similar experience with my mother or a similar perception of an experience with men as the one of my mother, maybe it was worth looking into it because as we know, we repeat patterns, not necessarily in the physical but for sure patterns of interpretation and assumptions about situations and people we come in contact with in our lives

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'she will get down from her high horse and next time if she doesn't want to be called an asshole she can think twice about expressing her unrequested opinion', making myself right and her wrong and holding on to spite as a way to not have to do anything to walk through the consequences of my stance, no matter what she did or said prior to me saying what I did in an attempt to blame my reactions on her

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking personally what someone expresses is a limitation of myself and my ability to hear what another may contribute to my process and that however they contribute it, be it spitefully or within a projection, according to my perception, I can still walk the point by using the clue they have given me if I don't make it personal but just a mind point, that I can identify through a reaction, to direct to a solution within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to listening to older people, elders, parents and relatives whose lives are clearly fucked up and hence I decided they have nothing of value to contribute to anyone if not the example of what not to do and what not to be and within this for limiting how and from where I can get clues about my mind and my inner workings as I stated that only those that I can see live an example of what they are trying to point out to me, and that would make just about 10 (or less) people in the world, can do so, instead of opening up to anything and anyone as a stairway to my own awareness by looking inside for my own reactions to what is offered, no matter by whom and how it is offered 

When and as I see myself wanting to speak words that are hiding the blame of how I feel and projecting it onto another, I stop, breathe, touch my hands to bring myself back into the physical and to not give in to the feeling that I am missing out/losing on a great opportunity to call someone an asshole or any other name but to see, realize and understand  that I am energetically possessed, even if it doesn't seem so as in a clear energetic reaction I have learnt to decode so far and that I must refrain from speaking while I am reacting at all costs - using any tool I have learnt to create a space to allow myself to investigate the moment and not give into it in automatic preprogrammed behavior - just because this is how I used to deal with such moments in the past

I commit myself to, when I see myself jumping to the thought 'so and so is an asshole, ignorant, arrogant, clueless, evil etc', to forgive my thoughts before I reach for excuses and justifications to why I am entitled to think such thoughts about someone and to then look for the trigger that activated in me the desire to call them names in abdication of my own self responsibility for how I experience myself in and as the mind

I commit myself to when and as I see the word coming up to be spoken automatically to stop, breathe, do not allow myself to speak it but remind myself that I am obviously possessed by the desire to blame another and by some personality systems that I have designed to justify the blame in the process and instead I make the time to go writing down what has been going on within me to defuse my reactions and seek how to redirect my thoughts and emotions in self support to a solution

I commit myself to remind myself that there is no way that giving in to name calling, inside or outside of myself, can support another one and equal as me and to not give in to this habit, no matter how enticing the trigger seems but to use the moment as a clue that something is happening inside of me and must be addressed before I participate further with another in a reactive unsupportive way




Monday, July 21, 2014

Day 436: Suppressing In Fear of Expressing




I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use suppression to sweep what I perceive as negative emotions/negative experience/negative perceptions of myself under a rug, separating myself from the moment in which I could instead stand up within myself and address it to a solution

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept to deal with suppressed points only when the experience becomes too uncomfortable to handle as in physical pain and within this for feeling angry and living one and equal to the anger I feel when physical pain manifests in my body as a result of my own participation in suppression and my wanting to separate from parts of myself I don't want to deal with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at what comes up within me because I fear my own judgement of not walking process effectively, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it is in the suppression that I become ineffective and not in the unconditional acceptance of what comes up within me so I can change it and change my relatonship to it once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress thoughts and beliefs about myself which are not supportive such as 'I am not good enough' or 'nobody loves me' because I feared dealing with the experience they bring up inside of me that can go to anything from self loathing to bulimia and within this for not supporting myself to delete the thoughts and beliefs I have participated in because I believe they were really who I am and I was one and equal to them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I can't still be dealing with this' attempting to put a time frame on my process and how I 'should have walked it', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one determining how I walk it and what I can take on and it is a matter of pushing my perception of the 'I can't deal with this' moments in my day until I can deal with them all equally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated when someone tells me that 'I just have to bring it back to myself' or that 'I have not yet taken responsibility for something', blaming them for the irritation I feel instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in that moment irritated at myself because the process I am to walk is clear and hearing what I have to do when I know what I have to do makes me irritated with myself for having dealt with something in suppression instead than dealing with something as the self directive principle of myself to change the relationship I had created in the past to a thought to defuse the thought of any emotional content, to empty the tought of the parts of myself I had invested into it and deleting the thought once and for all

I forgive myself that I acceptedand allowed myself to deal with relationship issues through supression because I thought 'I am not going to walk this AGAIN', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if I am walking it again, I have just timelooped into the same experience because I had not directed it from the past into the present into a solution, where I rewrote the script for myself to make sure I did not have to deal with the same stuff again but sort it out in writing and self forgiveness to prevent myself from having to live it out again in the physical to prompt myself into a correction of course

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to embrace suppression as an effective tool for dealing with my stuff as I proved through my living, my choices of drugs and mind altering substances, always in the direction of suppression, in fear that I could become like my mother and over express, over analize, becoming overwhelmingly emotional instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mum could not deal with her emotions because she didn't have the tools I have and that analizing or expressing what is really going on within me doesn't mean I will walk her same path but that I give myself a chance to not become emotional as I sort out my issues one by one at the source through directing them to a solution beyond polarity

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind rides because I never knew where I would end up instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the purpose of this process is to map my mind so as to always know where I will end if I take a specific ride, because I have identified the signs clearly and within this for accepting and allowing myself to make myself less than my mind in fear that I could not control my way through it instead of seeing realizing and understanding it is just a process of patience to come to know myself inside and out until the mind mapping will be complete and I will be able to navigate it fearlessly at any given time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress extensive anger for the creators of this existence because it seemed unbecoming to feel such rage at every new discovery of what else they did to make sure we never got out of this maze, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have equally participated in this mess by accepting and allowing myself to engage in this creation and that the rage I feel is a projection of blame for everything that doesn't work inside of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it doesn't matter what has been and who did what, but only the solutions we can find out of this to return life to the physical and recreate what it should always have been in self responsibility, honoring ourselves and each other equally to create a world we ca be proud of

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that suppression is just a time delay mechanism I have set in place, where I allow things to fester to a point where I can't let them go anymore and that I would make my life so much easier if I addressed each point that comes up in the moment to prevent accumulation and the sense of uselessness I had to face in the past when things to deal with seemed to have become too much, too many, to be spread in too many directions while I could have handled them much more easily if I had dealt with them all, one by one, as they came up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the word 'responsibility' as in 'fault' and for having associated the word 'responsibility' with 'fault', so that when anyone brings up the point of 'it's your responsibility' I react as if I have been blamed, as if I have done something wrong, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what they mean to underline is the opportunity, is the fact that I have the response-ability to deal with the specific point that came up and see how I can find the solution within it that works for myself and others equally and walk the point to a solution

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energies in my solar plexus and in my body to a point that it almost felt normal to live with such 'charge' and within this for accepting and allowing myself to turn my body into an energetic facility where I keep manufacturing energy from friction and internal conflicts ending up believing that once I am charged, I have to suppress or I could blow up like my mother used to do and within this for living in fear of this charged body and the pains that manifest within and as it because I took pain as consequence as fault as something to blame myself for, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding pain as a point of support, to show myself which systems I can address next and to test if I have addressed that specific system to a solution as I defuse the pain with self forgiveness and the applications of the tools I have learnt

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical pains as a sign that I am not walking my process effectively , which leads to my desire for suppression because I don't see any other way out of it, instead of asking for support from others who can see more than what I can see at the moment to address those pains and walk myself out of them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear some of the inexplicable pains I feel in my body for which I lack a frame of reference, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can work to develop a frame of reference to map out my pains the same way I am doing for my mind as I have seen, realized and understood that most fears come from not knowing what is going on within and without me and within this for having supressed myself from searching for physical solutions because I judged seeking physical solutions as a sign of having failed in my process or I would not need a physical solution in the first place

When and as I see myself suppressing, about to suppress, wanting to suppress a thought or an emotion or an experience that I have judged as 'negative', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am facing my own self created definition of a thought/emotion or experience and that I need to stop, redefine my experience in the moment by looking at it, unraveling its content and then forgiving it, committing to live new statements and definitions of and as myself that are supportive and not damaging/unsupportive

When and as I see myself attempting to suppress a moment I am sharing with another because I am aware I am reacting, I stop, breathe, tell myself and if possible the other that I have to get back to them on that specific point, commit to not suppress myself but to sort myself out and readdress the point when I am no longer reactive

When and as I see myself about to wave something away, I flag the moment to become aware that I am wanting/trying to suppress something I have judged as 'inappropriate/negative' make myself aware about the point I am wanting or desiring to suppress away and deal with it in writing using the tools I have learnt to support myself into a solution

I commit myself to walk the path that is required to teach myself to stop suppressing myself, to see the points coming up, to breathe instead of suppressing and to change the points of suppressions or attempts to suppress into points of self support  and self intimacy and unconditional self acceptance of myself and the process I am walking out of myself as the Mind into Awareness, for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One



Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Day 435: Deleting the 'Mean' from the 'Meaning of Consequence'




This is a follow up to my Post The Meaning in Consequence - link at the bottom.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live consequences as punishment, as required atonement, as someone else's idea of what I had to endure for what I had done, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that consequence just means an accumulation of a series of events that lead to a specific result

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create consequences for others when I believed they were getting out of a situation without 'footing the bill', because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that consequence meant a debt that was created and had to be repaid by myself or another, either through negative emotions or by public exposure

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did not put someone through their 'consequences' they would never 'learn' what they did and within this for filing a memory of my step grandmother rubbing the face of her puppies in their pee, so they would learn through 'consequences' that they should not pee around the house again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child, think and plot about how I could create consequences for my little cousin who I perceived was loved and always considered, while I perceived myself to not have part in the same experience in my home, by throwing his toys down the balcony and then blaming him so he may have 'to face consequences' as punishment, like I did all the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'he/she/they should not get away with this so lightly' and for wishing the punishment of people that I perceived had done something wrong, instead of questioning why we were trapped in a cycle of punishments for our miss-takes vs creating support to correct ourselves

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges as a way to bring about 'punishment' as 'consequence' for people I interacted with that I perceived did something wrong,  because I feared that if I didn't they would walk all over me and they would not respect me as someone they shouldn't be messing with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recreate the same pattern over and over again, without questioning it, with my mum because I made her the cause of this pattern in my mind and within this made her the one that should take back what she dished out to me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, no parents is born with a manual and they will repeat the mistakes of those that went before them until someone breaks the chain and stops the patterns in their tracks

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and live one and equal to that anger when I saw someone unwilling to live through the consequences I felt entitled to dish out for them, because it seemed unfair to me that I walked through consequences as punishment, as the guillotine, self inflicted by myself every time I made a mistake, using negative emotions as a form of punishment and leverage of my mistakes and within this for wanting others to do the same, to not skip gingerly the step of discomfort to move on to a solution without the 'atoning part' as in 'punishment' and within this for binding myself and others to punishment instead of the required support to see and correct our mistakes, without using negative emotions or positive feelings to move out of them but simply assessing reality, the potential damage and the correction required to be implemented in the moment to allow everyone, included myself to correct ourselves and move on

When and as I see myself about to judge someone/something so I can assess if what is happening is right or wrong according to my own ideas/beliefs/expectations or moral stance, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have no clue about what another is going through and why they are taking a specific stance and if I still see they made a miss-take, I check to make sure I am not reactive or embodying a specific personality and then, only then, if I can, move to assist another as myself in and as support

When and as I see myself about to engage the 'consequence construct', I stop, breathe, see in myself how I have scripted out my Sf and correction, look for points I may have missed if I feel the grip of the construct still has a hold on me and continue to investigate it and purify it until I stand absolute as support and not as a vigilante of my own and other people's actions

When and as I see myself projecting on another possible motives for their actions, I stop, breathe, take the projection back to myself and correct myself in the moment to not use another to take a distance from my own responsibility for the patterns I need to address and change within myself

I commit myself to design myself as a pillar of support, to delete all previous attachments I had to the word consequence as ideas, beliefs and memories and to walk myself into and as a punishment free-supportive stance for myself and all of existence Equal and One