Woundology (a term created by Carolyn Miss ) is about using the wounds -- the hurts, the traumas, the unfortunate events, the slings and arrows of life in general -- in order for the wounded person to manipulate others, elicit sympathy or compassion, to gain a measure of power and/or authority, and/or to claim allowance for their disagreeable actions. It is a specialized form of Scapegoatology, in which the world, Fates, outrageous fortune, and most everyone else are blamed for what the woundee has experienced. Woundology is about claiming compensation for the woundee’s problems by others acquiescing to their demands and arguments, allowing the woundee to have their way, extending sympathy in most every form, and forgiving the woundee’s failings and faults.
I have been teaching my mum about process and as I go and I force myself to render 'what process is' in my mothertongue (Italian), new dimension of 'Process' are opening up for myself as well.
At the moment I have been my mum's buddy it was a very cool exercise because I walked with her things that are coming up through the process of using Homeopathy to heal some terrible pains she has at nighttime that she described as 'angry dogs tearing away at my flesh' - and I want to underline that my mum, like myself , or viceversa - lol-, is a big suppressor of emotions because we believe somewhere that is 'unbecoming' to bring up negative stuff and play the victim. Not that we haven't plenty indulged in the victim personality, we just always saw it as most appropriate to do it in the secrecy of our own mind.
What has come up though, as I read her writing, is a sort of anticipation of a specific event that happened between us and for which it seems she has not done enough 'penance'.
Things that highlighted the need for me to bring this point up that took place in the past week
'someone' said to me 'I forgive but don't forget' - mirroring myself
the desire to bring up this even with someone to share it in a context that could 'justify' my past trespassing with him - as in 'you don't know what I went through'
the fact that the event is still loaded with emotions because when I bring it up, I want to cry
the delusion of not finding it in my mother's writing, like a gaping wound that she should bring up because was so fundamental and she should not get off that easy for it
the fact that one point contained in this event came up recently with a friend and I felt 'she should not have chosen him over me'
So, I will use the tools I have learnt from #Desteni to release myself and my mum from this past memory once and for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this specific memory of an event that took place between me and my mum in which I judged that she only acted in her own self interest not putting me ahead of her wants/needs because a good mum should have done that and not choose a lousy man over me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum for what she did in a way that only highlighted Her wrongdoing without considering that there were many other things happening between us that may have pushed her to decide to simply take a break from our relationship that did not necessarily had to do with her 'choosing someone over me'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished by my interpretation of an event as my mum 'choosing a lousy man over me' and for then projecting this disappointment onto other situation where I had the perception that someone 'chose a (lousy) man over me'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed that this specific event did not come up in her writing because I labelled it as a 'fundamental life changing event' between us while she skips and hops over it so she won't have to face what she did that was unacceptable in my perception
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this event that I labelled as 'life changing' between us, not wanting to see, realize and understand that if it was so life changing and not in a way that benefited any of us, it was my responsibility to revisit it to empty it of it emotional content so that it would not stand between me and her and the path we are walking to change ourselves to realign to what is best for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of this past event because I saw that I could always use it as my wild card to explain to people why I allowed myself to be a total ass in certain situation because I had been 'wounded' beyond repair and therefore I was entitled to live a wounded life and not change myself from the 'wounded' character, to a healthy forgiving being that would work to reach her utmost potential
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not sorting this out sooner but for waiting for the wake up call of the 'angry dogs that could be eating at my flesh' soon enough, if I don't work to let go this point of suppressed anger, like my mum didn't work to let go of her anger toward her mum - until now
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I had allowed myself to embody this memory to such an extent that I became it and it became me, and in doing so I held on to a self inflicted wound for over 20 years just because it was too precious to let it go as it allowed me to feel in credit toward my mum and keep her indebted to me - for life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish to keep my mum indebted to me because I felt indebted to her for all the sacrifices she made for me as I grew up for which I gave her no recognition and that made me hostile to her because I didn't want to live indebted to someone, just to end up doing the same thing to her
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fell indebted to my mum and as such to feel inferior because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that those who carry the debts are inferior and those that carry the credit are superior
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the instrumental use I was making of this memory so I could profit from it, profit from my mum and her guilt, profit from the pity I could elicit in those I would choose to share this memory with, actively participating in woundology for profit while blaming my mum all this time for what 'she did'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I feared letting go of this negative memory because I perceived that I would lose my advantage with my mum and go back to feeling inferior, while if I held on to this memory and my credit and made it larger every time I revisited the memory I could prevent myself from feeling indebted, I could be debt free, I could be the creditor, effectively the winner at the game of winner/losers, debtors/creditor, instead of redefining my relationship with my mum beyond debts and credits as one of support for each other and for all life, one and equal
Redefining the word Mother/Mamma
This word is defined in Italian as a 'symbol of sacrifice, love, worry
Exclamation of anxiety, fear, worry
Someone who takes care of someone else being their guide
Lacking definition from our Italian dictionary - oddly enough
someone who gave birth to someone
What is a mother?
it's a being, just like me, who either gave birth or cares for someone like if she did
When and if I should see myself desiring to bring up again the event that took place between me and my mum in which I made her indebted to me, I stop, breathe, look at WHY I would like to trade this past perceived wound with someone, be it a desire for intimacy or a desire to be excused for something I have done and instead of using this as a trade off, I address the underlying point directly if not in the specific moment, soon after as I have realigned myself to express what it is I really would like to express myself as in the moment
I commit myself to disengage from this past event and to release my mum from the perceived debt she had with me for life because I want to live debt free, I want to create a debt free world and I cannot have what I am not willing to give to others, as one, as equal, as Life