Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Day 463: The Alchemy of Change

I want to write about this experience I have had for a few years now, which has to do with the experience I go through when I discover 'something new' about the world - which is usually bad/sad/horrible - and I end up feeling crushed by it.

This experience has been with me for almost 6 years now and I have only recently realized that I have an attachment to feeling bad, mainly because I worked hard to only 'feel good' for almost 10 years of my life, when I joined the 'Think Positive' Movement in all its fringes and prophets, it's like I have to now 'pay this price', like if Getting Real should be about really Feeling Bad about the State of Things, The State of the World, the State of Myself when I look at how many programs I still run on that are not best for myself or All Life.

Some days I feel so bad that I get nauseous and then it seems like I can't identify in that moment what the cause is for that ill-being, when in fact it's just a long standing accumulation of disappointments, like I had appointed myself to see the world in a certain way until I woke up and the crash was so big that I didn't really know how to handle it or basically, how to change my rosy theresareasonforeverything world view to WTF!

So I can see that there was a sort of fall from Grace that I haven't really addresses specifically enough to grant myself permission to go on and live, because there's no choice really, here I am and I can drag my feet through this Life as a demented Shocked Zombie or stand up, dust off the disappointment, the shock, the sadness, the guilt and shame and keep walking a path of personal correction as my contribution to the Change that I want for myself and the rest of Existence.

So I am going to walk backward to the first point of shock that I haven't released, realized - to let go of all the energy I have accumulated on top of it afterward and consequentially all the moments that I saw I could break through but did not because 'it was just all too much'.

So, the first point of shock was when I discovered that there were Cancer cures available in this world and people didn't know about them.
I remember a feeling of devastation as I spent time with healers that told me things about people with cancers that were gone through fasting or through other alternative cheap modalities that were derided in the mainstream medical establishment.

I guess this first fall from Grace was because I had not yet come to understand the economics engines of this world and what they were geared for, take the medical establishment which was obviously engineered to create patients and not recovered ex-patients and how far they would go to ensure their supply of sick people would never end.
This seemed particularly EVIL to me because I had attached to the Medical Profession - guys with White Coats who spent years getting an Education to Save Lives - a positive connotation, so here I can see how the pattern plays out of having extreme difficulties in switching gear and accept that what I thought and believed to be Good - was in fact not so.

As well I can see a tendency of me as The Mind to just want to have clear labels to live by, like in Disney Cartoons, where the Bad Guys are clearly Bad and the Good ones clearly good and not feel  forced to live into these grey dimensions of 'sometimes they are good, sometimes not - some of them are good - but not all of them'.

From there it was a slippery slope down, to the point that one day I sat on my computer and googled this question 'who knows we are in Hell?'
That would be about when I met Desteni and The Portal.

At the time I bombarded myself with tons of other information about the world and the nature of the world as a reflection of ourselves, I didn't have the same experience as some others walking my same Path of Correction, I felt bad almost throughout All of the Videos I watched, I could never see the silver lining in any of the information shared, not because there wasn't, just because it wasn't The Silver Lining I Wanted.

I wanted a solution for sure, I just didn't want THAT Solution, I didn't want all the responsibility On Me, come on, being responsible in every moment of Breath for my thoughts, words and deeds? Seemed fucking delirious at the time - I could barely NOT Act on my Thoughts at that stage, which in my opinion made me better that those that did, I was one step ahead of the Game, I was good because I could have a really nasty thought and not act on it, not speak it, suppress it with pot, sex, food, anything would be better than Act on it - good enough for me.

Unfortunately what I came to understand was that, aware or not, everything I had created, participated in, accepted and allowed for myself and others in this world, had become ME, maybe this was really the most shocking thing of them all.

So, basically, I joined this Process of Correction out of Guilt and Shame and walked it anyway, carrying/dragging myself through these negative emotions and suppression, so today, I am not here to judge myself or to say I was not honest with my process because I see that I did a hell of a job carrying/dragging myself through it despite all of these negative emotions, which were not my motivators because the motivation was my understanding that Yes, I have done that, been that, I can see in me everything that is Not working in the world, I can see how my existence either becomes a testimony for a new way of Living and a New World for All or I will be part of the Problem.
And So I walked this process regardless of how I felt about it, about me, about the world.

It took me several years to really start having a glimpse of what Process is, first because this word is quite charged for me and I never took the time to clear it
Process - like  trial in Italian - Processo
Process as processed things - like Food - not good

instead of Process as something in the Process of being turned inside out, to give birth to something new, a real Alchemy of Matter, an Alchemy of moving what really Matters into a Living Expression, processing one self from serfdom and automation to a Living and Breathing Being - forgifting myself everything that I was not given, born with, engineered for.

So, time to transform Process as Penance, to a Living Expression of Myself as a decision I make, not because I am unworthy to live the way I am but because there's so much more to me that I can express in this Life, if I dare to take the steps to address what I don't like/approve of me into what I decide I want to be beyond my current, perceived, limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I fell from Grace when I faced this world for the first time, real-eyesing what we were dealing with, inside and out of ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into Fear when it came to me having to For-give myself, instead of leaving the task to an unknown invisible entity like the Universe or a Supreme Being, because I wasn't sure I would be up to the task to give to myself as I would have liked to receive, not seeing realizing and understanding that no one else can for-give to me what I can see I can become as my utmost potential - but myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pride myself about the belief I held that things were quite simple 'either black or white' accepting only the 'greys' I had already fathomed in the blackandwhite equation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Life is not about opening up to the limited 'greys' we have already equated but it's about expanding beyond black/white and grays to include everything that exists, from the small to the big until I can stand equal to all of existence without shame or guilt for what we have collectively created and conveniently disowned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that no one can possibly be responsible for themselves in every moment of breath, simply because I reaped the benefits of my automated irresponsible existence til then and I didn't want to have to make the effort of being aware of myself at all times and about how I was creating my thoughts, words and deeds while I blamed the Creator that created us, instead of seeing that this process was a chance for me to make myself better than the Creator of me did - as the Creator of myself - as I accept responsibility for myself and everything that exists - equal and one-  to redesign me into the best possible version of myself and in so doing contribute to the creation of the best possible piece of this world that I can be, changing the world - as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since we were in Hell already, I could only live the rest of my life as a sad, hopeless, crushed existence that has become aware of its hellish condition, instead of fully comprehend that this process was a Gift, was the forgiftness that we were graced with as a way out of what we have been - on the road to our utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this moment of Grace was not 'given to me' as an undeserving being, but it is for me to give to myself, to give myself Worth as Life - to stop the cycles of shame and guilt that lay deep down each one of us for creating such a world that doesn't honour Life - and so ourselves as Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of Grief for who I have been, what I thought, said and done to myself and people around me as I accepted my automated life of reactions vs embracing my response ability to Not React but make decisions in every moment, that would be solutions for myself and others, to create a Life of Harmony inside and outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to under-stand the information I gathered about existence and how it all came about, because I accepted and allowed myself to be sucked into an existential fear that everything was too big, too screwed up, too far gone for anyone to be able to address a credible change in any way, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the information we received were meant to empower us to stop this specific design, to realize that whatever has happened is now past and while not gone, we have tools now to address our lives from beginning to end, correcting, realigning and becoming expressions of what the world we would like to live in would be - so I walk this process of moulding myself into what I could have been and what I can still be as I stop giving in to my Mind that wants to decide for me, as me, who I should be in every moment as reaction vs  self expression, deciding the best outcome for all in every moment of choice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be put off by the word 'Process' as processed meat, processed food, as Trial,  as pro-cess - aka toward/supporting the toilet lol, instead of seeing Process for what it is, an alchemical process of transformation of Matters, of Matter, of what Matters, from inconsequential to willingly, aware-ly consequential, where my actions, words and thoughts exists in alignment, where I have nothing to hide, regret or be ashamed of because I work to exist as the best possible version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a step back from my process as I felt the information I was receiving, the points we were opening up, the paths we walked to make our changes real - were the problem and the source of how I felt, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that nothing happens inside of me that I have not created and that in taking response-ability for my Creations, I get the access key to change the relationships I have formed with things, people, events and memories in my Life - and that in truth - there's no Power Greater than the one found within Self Responsibility and the Ability Each One of Us can Gift to ourselves - to Change.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Day 462: When in doubt - Apologize

I want to share something I have learned through trial and err to snap myself out of an energetic possession in a moment of conflict with someone.

I will bring up an example of a situation that went on with my mum a few days ago, I told someone I would give them the TV we had at home because I got a new smart TV with my phone contract for a small monthly fee.
This has to do with my 'Generous Character' something I will be taking on next because it's an Automated part of myself that I wish to release so I can live my Giving as a form of Self Expression and not as a Compulsion.

The TV I now have at home belongs to my mum, for some reasons, because it's now in my home, it felt like it was 'mine', so I could give it away if I wanted to, without asking if she minded.

When I told her she became very angry and told me that this was not Mine to Give, so I went through these emotions as a consequence of realizing that this was in fact true

I felt wrong/wronged 
I felt ashamed that I didn't consider the fact that it was not my TV to give away
I felt righteous because 'Giving is always a good thing'
I called my mother 'Selfish' because she already has 2 TVs at home and so 'Not Giving Willingly and Happily' this one - made her Selfish

That's when she almost blew a fuse.

That was the moment as well when I saw I had a choice, I could keep building up bullshit on why I was right (I tried the 'it's in my house so must be mine to give away if I want' - that's about where I drew the line) or I could stop on my track, take a deep breath, look at what I was doing, assess the way ahead to step out of this emotional possession - which I knew very well where it would lead - and in so doing stopping any undesirable consequence for myself and my mum.

I found that Apologizing in the midst of an energetic possession is like a Spell Breaker, because, the whole point of the bullshit build up is because I don't want to Apologize and Be Wrong about something, instead I found that what I resisted the most held a very important key for me to free myself.

Apologizing is like stepping onto a neutral plateau where I no longer feel the need or drive to create more crap to not apologize for something I have done that didn't consider all parts involved, in this case I didn't consider that my mum had a special attachment to this TV because she got it at a bargain price and put it in my grandma's home when that place became her own, I didn't consider that since it was hers, she could have decided to give it away to someone else, or not give it away at all- none of her reasons were for me to judge anyway but just to consider that this is where she stood at the moment with regards to that specific thing.

So sharing this very useful tool

when you see something escalating emotionally with someone, no matter what your good reasons are for taking a specific stand - start with the apology, it works wonders and you will be giving yourself the gift of integrity - as you no longer accept and allow your Mind (as your ideas, beliefs, past experiences, pre-programming) to decide who you are and who you want to be in any moment of your Life.

For further tools and support to create the best version of yourself, for yourself and all Life, One and Equal, check out Desteni here

Monday, April 4, 2016

Day 460: The Manipulative Power of Wounds

Woundology (a term created by Carolyn Miss ) is about using the wounds -- the hurts, the traumas, the unfortunate events, the slings and arrows of life in general --  in order for the wounded person to manipulate others, elicit sympathy or compassion, to gain a measure of power and/or authority, and/or to claim allowance for their disagreeable actions.  It is a specialized form of Scapegoatology, in which the world, Fates, outrageous fortune, and most everyone else are blamed for what the woundee has experienced.  Woundology is about claiming compensation for the woundee’s problems by others acquiescing to their demands and arguments, allowing the woundee to have their way, extending sympathy in most every form, and forgiving the woundee’s failings and faults.  

I have been teaching my mum about process and as I go and I force myself to render 'what process is' in my mothertongue (Italian), new dimension of 'Process' are opening up for myself as well.

At the moment I have been my mum's buddy it was a very cool exercise because I walked with her things that are coming up through the process of using Homeopathy to heal some terrible pains she has at nighttime that she described as 'angry dogs tearing away at my flesh' - and I want to underline that my mum, like myself , or viceversa - lol-, is a big suppressor of emotions because we believe somewhere that is 'unbecoming' to bring up negative stuff and play the victim. Not that we haven't plenty indulged in the victim personality, we just always saw it as most appropriate to do it in the secrecy of our own mind.

What has come up though, as I read her writing, is a sort of anticipation of a specific event that happened between us and for which it seems she has not done enough 'penance'.

Things that highlighted the need for me to bring this point up that took place in the past week

'someone' said to me 'I forgive but don't forget' - mirroring myself
the desire to bring up this even with someone to share it in a context that could 'justify' my past trespassing with him - as in 'you don't know what I went through'
the fact that the event is still loaded with emotions because when I bring it up, I want to cry
the delusion of not finding it in my mother's writing, like a gaping wound that she should bring up because was so fundamental and she should not get off that easy for it
the fact that one point contained in this event came up recently with a friend and I felt 'she should not have chosen him over me'

So, I will use the tools I have learnt from #Desteni to release myself and my mum from this past memory once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this specific memory of an event that took place between me and my mum in which I judged that she only acted in her own self interest not putting me ahead of her wants/needs because a good mum should have done that and not choose a lousy man over me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum for what she did in a way that only highlighted Her wrongdoing without considering that there were many other things happening between us that may have pushed her to decide to simply take a break from our relationship  that did not necessarily had to do with her 'choosing someone over me'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished by my interpretation of an event as my mum 'choosing a lousy man over me' and for then projecting this disappointment onto other situation where I had the perception that someone 'chose a (lousy) man over me'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed that this specific event did not come up in her writing because I labelled it as a 'fundamental life changing event' between us while she skips and hops over it so she won't have to face what she did that was unacceptable in my perception

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this event that I labelled as 'life changing' between us, not wanting to see, realize and understand that if it was so life changing and not in a way that benefited any of us, it was my responsibility to revisit it to empty it of it emotional content so that it would not stand between me and her and the path we are walking to change ourselves to realign to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of this past event because I saw that I could always use it as my wild card to explain to people why I allowed myself to be a total ass in certain situation because I had been 'wounded' beyond repair and therefore I was entitled to live a wounded life and not change myself from the 'wounded' character, to a healthy forgiving being that would work to reach her utmost potential

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not sorting this out sooner but for waiting for the wake up call of the 'angry dogs that could be eating at my flesh' soon enough, if I don't work to let go this point of suppressed anger, like my mum didn't work to let go of her anger toward her mum - until now

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I had allowed myself to embody this memory to such an extent that I became it and it became me, and in doing so I held on to a self inflicted wound for over 20 years just because it was too precious to let it go as it allowed me to feel in credit toward my mum and keep her indebted to me - for life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish to keep my mum indebted to me because I felt indebted to her for all the sacrifices she made for me as I grew up for which I gave her no recognition and that made me hostile to her because I didn't want to live indebted to someone, just to end up doing the same thing to her

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fell indebted to my mum and as such to feel inferior because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that those who carry the debts are inferior and those that carry the credit are superior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the instrumental use I was making of this memory so I could profit from it, profit from my mum and her guilt, profit from the pity I could elicit in those I would choose to share this memory with, actively participating in woundology for profit while blaming my mum all this time for what 'she did'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I feared letting go of this negative memory because I perceived that I would lose my advantage with my mum and go back to feeling inferior, while if I held on to this memory and my credit and made it larger every time I revisited the memory I could prevent myself from feeling indebted, I could be debt free, I could be the creditor, effectively the winner at the game of winner/losers, debtors/creditor, instead of redefining my relationship with my mum beyond debts and credits as one of support for each other and for all life, one and equal

Redefining the word Mother/Mamma

This word is defined in Italian as a 'symbol of sacrifice, love, worry
Exclamation of anxiety, fear, worry
Someone who takes care of someone else being their guide

Lacking definition from our Italian dictionary - oddly enough

someone who gave birth to someone

What is a mother?
it's a being, just like me, who either gave birth or cares for someone like if she did

When and if I should see myself desiring to bring up again the event that took place between me and my mum in which I made her indebted to me, I stop, breathe, look at WHY I would like to trade this past perceived wound with someone, be it a desire for intimacy or a desire to be excused for something I have done and instead of using this as a trade off, I address the underlying point directly if not in the specific moment, soon after as I have realigned myself to express what it is I really would like to express myself as in the moment

I commit myself to disengage from this past event and to release my mum from the perceived debt she had with me for life because I want to live debt free, I want to create a debt free world and I cannot have what I am not willing to give to others, as one, as equal, as Life

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Day 455: Anger Management - Using Anger to 'sort things out'

Last night at 1.30 am my car switched her engine off and left me stranded with another 3 friends in the car and a total of 3 dogs.

I was aware that at some levels I felt ashamed with my friends because when I was a kid my mum always had shitty cars that gave us all sorts of troubles, cars I had to push to kick start in front of everyone watching me and I connected shitty cars to being poor and hence something to be ashamed about. Funny how being poor in our society doesn't seem to be bad enough, we managed to attach blame to being poor - hence the shame most poor people live with -day in and day out.

While I sough for a solution, I remembered I had an insurance that would cover road assistance for break downs but I could not find the card with their number, so I looked on Internet, found their 24 hrs toll free number and called.

I told the operator I was insured with Unipol Sai, I offered to give my policy number but he said he didn't need it and I though - wow, we have become so efficient with all this technology, I was feeling sorry for my friends as well who had things to do early this morning but waited with me for 1 hour until the car was towed away and we could call a taxi to go home.

So I kind of bottled up some emotions about it and then this morning a gingerly guy called me to tell me I had called the wrong number last night and I would be charged for the assistance, the more he tried to explain how 'I' made the mistake, the more I saw myself 'losing it'.

First thing I was really pissed off about was that he insisted that 'I called the wrong number' as in wanting to shift the responsibility on me about them not telling me 'you called the wrong number' right away, which seemed to be the normal obvious thing that should happen in such cases - how do I know the number is wrong if the guy knows what my policy covers, doesn't ask for the number and says I am covered for towing the car away? Bloody mind reading?

I was positive I was NOT going to pay for this mistake, but I got angry anyway, like being angry would add weight to our verbal transaction because the one angry is usually right and the one not angry -wrong.

I am aware that this is a cultural glitch in my make up and I will now write out this episode to release all the charges I have accumulated inside me and to bring this idea that 'getting angry will sort things out' to a closure as this belief is not best for me nor for anyone else involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my car broke down, to feel ashamed toward my friends fearing that I would look like a 'loser', someone who doesn't have everything together and for going back in the same emotional state I felt while I was a kid and my mother had all those shitty cars that I had to push to kick-start when I was nicely dressed up- specifically to escape the impression that we were poor, by comparison to my grandparents, something I felt ashamed and inferior about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that poor people must be ashamed of their poverty as a testimony of a life of fuck ups, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that many people that can't get to the end of the month in this world have made all the best possible choices Available to Them, because choices are for the chosen Rich Ones and the less money one has, the less choices

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum as a loser as I grew up because she could not afford a car that would always start without fail and for blaming her for how I experienced myself when I had to run after the car to kick start it, blaming her for  feeling diminished, exposed and not good enough to have a good car instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these emotions were the result of how I copied the perception of my grandparents about my mother, who wanted to blame her for being an underachiever so they could avoid feeling guilty for never helping her out in the first place - no matter the fact that my mum worked like a dog and raised a child all by herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that blaming the poor, shaming them and belittling their whole existence is what we all still collectively do to not have to take responsibility for the system of inequality that we have created, where some drive million dollar cars while others get all the crap left overs be that about cars, homes, food, water and quality of air and life and within this I forgive myself for participating in the system of inequality perceiving myself both as a poor with all the negative emotions that go with it and a rich with all the positive feelings that go with it, instead of stopping and considering that we could all get off this energetic wheel by creating a system that works for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when this morning the guy called me trying to push the blame for the fuck up on me, to go livid and tell him that it was worrisome how they were even trying to do that, considering that if someone calls me in the middle of the night to have their car towed away and I am not their insurer I would say 'wrong number' while not considering all the time I have done the exact same thing, refining this art to a T in away that I still apply to my current job, where I immediately look for how I can make another responsible for a company fuck up so we don't have to be blamed about it - and in that case I look at it as a 'skill'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become skillful in the art of blaming others for my fuck ups, always seeking for ways to not take responsibility for who I am and what I have become and to consider that 'an art, a quality, something to be praised for, especially in the workplace' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that taking responsibility will have to start at my own individual level and weave out in everything I touch and do, for me to be a contributor to change in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get angry I have more leverage, more chances to get things to work my way, that pushing back someone who is being abusive with anger is justified and not equally abusive and within this for fearing that unless I get 'really angry' I won't be able to deliver home what I see as the natural outcome solution where a mistake has been made and it's clear where the responsibility lies, be that with myself or others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get really angry as a joining in into my cultural heritage, where Italians are perceived to be short fused, hot blooded, fiery and for attaching a positive feeling to all these aspects as in belonging to a specific group, excusing therefore myself for not changing because 'that's the way we are', like I can't do anything about it when in fact I can do something about it, like change and stop justifying why this is the best way to operate just because it worked all my life, although I know I have not yet explored alternatives to this behavior that may deliver the same result without my participation in energetic play outs for which, by the way, I have to always end up apologizing instead of avoiding them in the first place, no matter how justified my participation in anger may seem in a specific moment

When and as I see myself triggered into believing something is taking place for which I perceive have been wronged, duped, tricked, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that my usual response to these triggers in the past has been anger, breathe and see how can I deliver the point of my own rights in a non confrontational manner that can bring about a solution, that doesn't need to be energy driven

When and as I see myself thinking 'this anger is plenty justified', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that there is no good reason for needing anger to explain myself or to prove that on an agreement/contractual point I am right, even if and when I become aware that the other person is attempting to blame me for something that it's entirely their responsibility such in the case that took place last night

When and as I see myself wanting to 'give them a piece of my mind', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that mostly there is nothing in my mind worth sharing in a moment where I am on the brink to be overcharged with an energetic possession and that I could explain myself more clearly when not possessed by energetic reactions that drive automated behaviors in me, that don't allow me to see clearly what is going on and what position I must take to direct a point to a solution

When and as I see myself thinking 'see, it worked because I got angry', I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that most times what I had to say just worked because it made sense, because there was a logical approach to it and a fair understanding of the situation and its implication and that the anger point is really just redundant, unnecessary and not at all what sorts things out but something I end up having to apologize for - meaning, was not the right thing to do in any case, in the first place

I commit myself to sort out this point of 'Anger Management' as in using Anger to manage things

I commit myself to remind myself that I have clearly seen into this point and written out this script I can fall back on to direct myself the next time I see myself tempted to use this approach to sort things out

I commit myself to giving up my energetic experiences for the self interest of a short lived high - in favour of a life of substance that works for myself and for all existence, Equal and One

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Day 454: Releasing The Perception of a Suffocating Mother

I have been aware that I need to work on this point for some time, quite unfortunately I am aware that I still tend to learn through consequences or to wait for consequences to make it clear that if I delay more on a point I will timeloop and have to live it again.

This is the case with this perception that I have about my mother, the key work here is 'suffocating/suffocation', this word is so much a key to the way I perceive her that some of my friends are able to pick it up within me as if this is what my mother does - for real-, instead  that that word existing in and as my own experience of my mother, a version of my mother I have created that may even have little or nothing to do with her - we'll see.

So, this perception of being utterly suffocated by this woman goes back a long time, my mother believed in keeping a tight leash on me as I grew up, looking back frankly, quite appropriately, because I grew up in the Bronx of Milan, where drug dealing was the norm and a tiny fruit stall in the square in front of my house, used as a cover up for some illicit affairs, was regularly set on fire by rival gangs.
Let's say it was not the best environment to let a child loose.

My mum was not deeply religious either, as some Italians are, this as well contributed to her perception that she had to do most of the work other mothers leave up to God, so she was fiercely protective of me and she rathered be the one to know where I was at all times than spend a prayer to trust me in the mighty hands of the Divine.

All of these things and many of her energetic outbursts contributed to me associating what I felt when around her to Her personally, never seeing, realizing or understanding that I was the one making associations, defining moments and her within them, moments when I felt uneasy or tense or utterly scared or angry as her doing and not my doing, shifting the responsibility for what happened inside of me onto her - to the point where every emotion that came up within me as a result of interacting with her - I blamed it on her.

So, the relationship with my mother has been characterized by these main character play outs - the victim, the rebel, the rightful, the scorned and of course, last but not least - the suffocated one.

I will now apply one of the tools I have learned walking with Desteni to release the layered energy build ups in relation to this point and what is around it.
By the way I want to  share that since I have been walking with Desteni and have consistently applied the tools, specifically about the relationship with my mother, I have been able to change many of our dynamics, just 2 days ago, when she went beserk over something, I was able to not allow this to blow into a full possession on my side and even though she went into the same blameful dynamic of making me responsible for how she felt over something I said, I did not fuel the progression because I was not as charged as I used to be toward her, which gave me the advantage of holding a space for her to let loose without me loosing myself within in or taking what she was saying personally, so these tools WORK - this is a proven fact.

Self forgiveness is not a magic wand, I know because it didn't make my mother disappear -hehe- what it did for me was giving me space, so instead of living in a convoluted cloud of emotions and feelings and thoughts, I built up space inside of myself and yes, sometimes I fell and still fall and let a fuck off run loose, but then I pick myself up, reassess the point, see why I reacted, where I am still emotional, what I can correct to become more stable and stop blaming others for how I experience myself.

Regarding my mother for example I realized that when 'I loose it' she has nothing to do with it, she is just role playing and every role needs an antagonist. It is when I stopped being the antagonist that I started to create opportunities for change for her as well. Not that this matters because I can't be responsible for her change, or anyone else for that matter, but it shows that what we do affects others, and if we don't stop our role playing, our polarity swinging, our energy building, we'll keep going the same direction we have gone so far, into the hellish existences we have created for each other and have justified because 'she/he did that first/said that first/thought that first and told me to go fuck myself first' and in that we miss the basic point of our collective change -
forgiving means letting go of our idea of a valid retribution/restitution - there won't be any, if we held on to that we would be stuck into these cycles of ex I stance forever more instead of gifting to ourselves and each other the gift to break free, because we never considered before that we may deserve better than what we have created so far and as we do we'll see that everyone else does as well, this is why we have started a movement for-giving to each other the chance to start anew to create ourselves and our futures as something we can be proud of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my emotional world to my mother and to believe she was the one generating emotions inside of me - instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I was the one IN CHARGE, creating all sorts of energies as a consequences of the thoughts I accepted and allowed inside myself about her, her words and her actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and say out loud that my mother is a 'suffocating woman' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was associating my feeling of 'being suffocated' by all the energies that I created and juggled inside myself to her, because she happened to be around at the same time when and while I was creating these experiencing in and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was angry at my mother for the way I felt when I allowed myself to be triggered into an emotional reaction by some words she spoke or things she did that I took personally instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was unable to manage her emotional world and that she was just overflowing what she could no longer contain and that was not personal or meant to harm me but was her pressure valve going off with those closest to her as that's where she felt safest to let loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized by my mother as if she was the abuser and I was the abused, when in fact I have equally abused both myself by participating in emotional possessions and her by copying the same pressure cooker valve system and within this for believing that it was ok to blame her for what I felt and experienced just because she blamed me for what she felt and experienced

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to rebel to her authority to the point that I run away from home when I was 17 just to get away from all the crap and commotion that was going on in my home and for not seeing realizing and understanding that I was reacting to the belief that she was the cause of my own experiences of myself and what I was rebelling against instead of seeing the real cause of my own experience of myself which was me as the Mind and all the conflicting thoughts and beliefs I was trying to manage at the same time that were generating extensive friction and uneasiness inside of me for which my mother had no response-ability at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my  mother for throwing away 20 + years of my life smoking pot because 'if she had not been the asshole that she was' I would never have resorted to 'self medicating' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I conveniently blamed my mother for how I experienced myself because blaming her gave me carte blanche to be a total ass and to reject any responsibility for myself because 'there was this obsessive woman' doing all the work anyway - which meant I was not required to and I could just cruise away as a free spirit and never be the lame woman I came to believe she was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons to criticize my mother as I grew up because I wanted reasons that showed I was right and she was wrong and that the physical repulsion I have developed for her was in fact justified by the very long list of things I accumulated against her - like the terrible shoes she wore even being born in Italy -forgodssake-, the fact that she mismatched the colours that she wore, the fact that she wouldn't wear make up to look good to the point that in my eyes she became this dysmorphic creature born in a family of good looking people, which meant she must have been really evil at heart because beauty=good and she had none of it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was ashamed of my mother because 'she didn't look good' and because I took on from my grandmother this value of being beautiful and groomed and listened to all the criticism my grandma made about my mother, about the way she looked, about the way she thought, about the men she chose that would never stick around long enough to prove she was worthy of a relationship and within this I forgive myself for the shame and the anger I felt when I sat down while my grandmother spoke about my mother in ways that hurt me but kept quiet because I hoped to be in her good books when she would die and leave her money to me and not to such an undeserving woman as my mother was in her eyes, until she was that in my eyes as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dirty and untrustworthy for not standing up for my mum when my grandmother and my grandfather spoke about her like she was just a ball of untamed emotions without seeing realizing and understanding that they too were into the blame game and that my grandmother wanted no responsbility for my mother's feelings of not having been wanted when she abandoned her as a child and so she worked hard to make my mother guilty and undeserving so she could feel better about what she did and within this for allowing myself to copy this behavior of making others guilty for my own feelings and emotions and then trying to belittle them to prove that it was always them at fault and not me in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my mother was not a good mother and that was the reason why I turned out the way I did and for telling her when I gave up pot that I had been addicted for a long time, just so she would know that everything she said and did to me didn't go without consequences, justifying this disclosure as 'explaining myself' so she would stop to take some things personally while in the background I run my little extortion racket where I knew she would move into guilt and I would have my own little revenge while she took on the blame for my own existence so that I could keep on living irresponsibly and not feeling bad about it - because it was her fault if I resorted to pot to manage my own experience of myself - self created - inward generated and outward projected and blamed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted by my mother, strangulated, suffocated, believing she was the one doing this to me, instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that I was a victim of my own mind let loose and never directed and that I used pot to find some breath in between emotional possessions and that I felt ashamed of this vice that I then glorified into a lifestyle and a choice and this made it even more important and vital for me to blame my mother because I was looking for ways to get rid of the shame of my existence and as she blamed her mother and my grandmother blamed her daughter, it seemed a fit choice for me to join in the blame game and blame them both and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the blame game and in construct of superiority and inferiority to try and justify why I was not responsible for the choices I had made and who I had become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I had created an 'Inner Mother' using bits and pieces of the most unpleasant memories that I stored about my relationship with my mother and that I have used this inner Mother as a stick to beat myself up with and a measure to check any of my decision against and that the friction I caused inside myself by living 24/7 with this Inner Mother I myself created, I then blamed it onto my real mother, making her responsible of the inner turmoils I lived relative to the inner dialogues I had between myself and my self created Inner Mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was always the one and only using the rod on myself that I blamed my mother for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my inner mother may say about some decisions I want to make, in fact about any decision I want to make, because, as I realized as a child that I had no power to make my mother happy consistently, I created an internal mother I tried to please at all times, not seeing realizing and understanding that it would be impossible for me to please a character I have created within me using the worst pieces of my relationship with my mother and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this Inner Mother to support my ideas and beliefs about my real mother as being 'bad' as I could bend my own created mother character to take the most despicable stands in my life and then believe that is what my mother would do, given a chance, when in fact I have proved over and over again to myself that the only reason my mother still surprises me is because she refuses to match my own Cruella De Ville fantasy character and she has proved to be way more reasonable than the character I created and kept alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up memories between my real interactions with my mother and my imaginary interactions with the self created mother inside of me until I can always prove that I am right, that I have a point and within this for not giving myself the opportunity to get to know my mother for real, giving her a chance to step out of my imagination to become a physical living being, not giving to her what I am seeking for myself, to stop being puppeettered by myself and others so I can start becoming a real flesh human being and within this I forgive myself for not having given what I want for myself, a life, life as a breathing living being - to my mother and to myself, equal and one

I commit myself to, if and when  a feeling of suffocation, being suffocated, constricted, oppressed comes up in my solar plexus, to stop, breathe, see what it is that has moved energies within me, take responsibility for it and release it through self forgiveness without blaming it on anyone else and in the specific, without blaming it on my mother

I commit myself to release the Inner Mother I have created within and as myself by letting go all of the unpleasant memories that I have stored to design this character in a Cruella De Ville-ish way to prove that I was always right and my mother always wrong - which allowed me to justify my emotional upheavels for which I now commit myself to become response-able and direct them to a correction

I commit myself to, if and when a point of friction comes up between me and my mother, to stop myself from going and playing it out in my mind first to check what my internal fictional Mother would say or do in an attempt to not be surprised and to be in control of my emotions and feelings outcomes, instead I can stop, breathe and communicate with my mother in the real physical world what it is that bothers me and how can we find together a solution that works for both

I commit myself to, if and when my mother should go off the rocket to stop and breathe, to not pick and choose what I will store of what she says to later use against her but to understand it's just an energetic blow up that I don't need to take personally and that doesn't define me in any way - so that I can be a safe space for her to let loose when she can't contain her energetic build up anymore - without being affected by it in any way

I commit myself to for-give to myself and my mother a chance at starting a real relationship based on communication in the present moment about present things and to always seek solutions and not friction in our interaction, fixing this one relationship for good for myself and all of existence, equal and one

Friday, October 3, 2014

Day 450: Going Crazy over People Who Are Late

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at A. for going 1 hour late to the appointment I made for him and within this for getting angry at myself for getting angry at him

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in my view I am absolutely right, like this point of lateness, to feel that I am entitled to get angry because it is the other person's wrong that is making me angry because if they had gone/come 'on time' I would not be angry and in this there is the proof that it's all their fault

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to point out how the story unfolded and how I was so clear about 'tell me a time, anytime you want but then stick to it, please' and because of this I was more than entitled to go berserk because I perceived this 'going late' as 'being taken for a ride', as having lost importance, value because I have invested value in the point of 'people being on time to prove that they value me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that any value invested outside of myself makes me fragile, brittle as my value depends on what someone else does and on how they perceive things as important or unimportant and within this for having accepted and allowed myself to invest value in 'being on time' both as me being on time and others being on time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother telling me to 'always be on time' because she had been traumatized by the only delay her father had in her life that turned into tragedy when they received the news he had been found dead with his bicycle in a ditch and within this for imprinting the message 'if you care about me you would never be late' as myself to live out with others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother telling me 'if he cares about you he would not have made you wait' at which moment I felt ashamed because I had been kept waiting proving to others that the boy I was seeing did not care about me and within this for accepting and allowing that moment of shame to be tied into people being late as my loss of value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not caring about me because 'they were/are late' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am just projecting this lack of care I have for myself to sort out this issue of 'caring for myself' onto others and this is one point where I can use this projection effectively because it was done to me by someone who 'loved me' and thus I can do it to others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always like 'being on time' within a feeling of stress in fear that if I let someone down and I am late than they will think 'she doesn't care about me' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this 'being late' point is my own creation whichever way I play it out and within this for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that don't feel the same stress about 'being on time' because it seems unfair that I should be the only one going through this at both end instead of addressing the 'being on time point ' to its solution within me and not expecting others to live out my same patterns so I can normalize them instead

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated last night when I played out this whole scenario again and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that all the thoughts that followed such as 'it's useless, I will never change or enough, I want out of process because it's not working' were all excuses that I used to justify why I was still reacting about a point that I saw clearly some time ago and within this for not supporting myself to sort out the 'being on time' point because too much time had gone by from when I saw this point and hence it would be useless, hopeless, worthless to be addressed in detail because 'I had missed the boat'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put value on time because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'time is money' and within this statement accept all the outflow consequences such as irritation and impatience when someone uses up my time, that I had not set aside to give unconditionally, in exchange for nothing, wasting my time, wasting it because it was in no way monetized and within this for having accepted and allowed my whole life to be monetized for my time instead of questioning this construct that we accept and live out everyday as if it were 'normal' and the 'way things are'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to cut out of my life the people who are never 'on time', seeing them as a waste and within this for valuing more those that can be 'on time' compared to those that can't be on time, instead of simply directing the point in a way that works for all, such as not expecting those that have not sorted out their relationship with time management to be on time and to use that point to define my value or their level of 'caring'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel that if I do not react to those 'abusers' who are always late, who waste my time, who don't respect me or care about me than I am deserving the 'abuse' and as such I must react and tell them off so they know where I stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'not being on time' as abuse and for then reacting to my own definition of 'not being on time' blaming it on another and feeling weak if I didn't stand up for myself in anger instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one abusing myself through an energetic reaction and by not be willing to let go of this definition of myself because I believed that 'this is who I am' vs seeing this is who I came to believe I was based on memories and my own self definitions of an external event that I can change by no longer accepting myself to be defined by it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as uncaring and inconsiderate whenever I have been late and for fearing this judgement of myself about myself and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was inconsiderate and uncaring in general by extending this definition of myself to spill over other parts of my life by telling myself 'you don't care about anybody' fuelling this idea about myself through one single point relative to being 'on time' -or else- instead of changing my definition of what 'being on time' means, which is just to - possibly, all things considered - meet at an agreed time and that not doing so doesn't define me, nor others, nor my relationship for the better or worse

When, as and if I see myself becoming irritated about the 'being on time' point, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have walked this point to remove the blame for others about how I feel within it and immediately take responsibility for this point, breathe, stabilize myself, remind myself it's not personal nor it defines me and move on

When and as I see myself wanting to bring up all other times when someone was late, wasted my time, was, in my opinion, uncaring and inconsiderate, to prove my case, I stop, breathe, see what is the negative experience I am accessing and release myself from it through self forgiveness and physical self corrective application by not giving in to it nor normalizing it in any way

I commit myself to stop reacting to people not being 'on time', to not take it personally and to not let such a point define who I am nor my worth and value in any way any more.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Day 449: Rejecting the Positive while Still Afraid of the Negative

Today reading the writings of a friend I realized this point, I had been told to investigate the 'positive thinking' for myself as I had lived so much this doctrine I had physically become it, but when I met Desteni and I understood Positivity as just one of the polarities we live and play out, I just rejected it, trying to create a buffer between myself and it, basically between me and myself.
Did that work? No
On top of this, having rejected the negative for many years diligently, the fear of the negative staid with and as me, so much so that some days I feel as if I have no place to be, stuck between not wanting to be positive and rejecting negativity without clearing myself from my judgements of what is negative, I end up living in a sliver of existence carved out between the two.

So, here I will share my SF for my participation as the rejection of the positive and the fear of the negative experience of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in fear the first time someone told me 'positivity and positive thinking, you have become it', because I was aware that I did not understand in full the implications of this statement and hence I did not know how to move with it to correct myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reject anything that I see as positive, positive thinking, positive projected outcomes believing that if I could distance myself enough from positivity I would have it sorted out, forgetting the point 'you have become it' that I should have dealt with, positivity as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being glad about an outcome or a potential outcome as 'positive' and within this for rejecting the idea of an outcome that may work for myself and others as something not desirable, not to be desired because positive instead of correcting my energetic label about it and see the outcome for what it is, just best for me or best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that since 'I had become it', meaning the very polarity construct of someone seeking the positive, I could balance it out seeking the negative as in what I have defined as negative, calling it 'realism' while in the process missing out the point that I was still in full polarization but just on the other side of the swing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that you are either positive or negative at the core and that there is nothing in between and within this belief for seeking how to live in a tiny space between negativity and positivity, trying to not make waves, not enjoy myself too much (positive) and nor to embrace the world for what it is because it's too sad (negative), finding myself paralyzed at times inside a space that didn't allow myself to see clearly the outcome of a point as I was too busy not being positive and not moving into the negative - to even exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still reject at a physical level any experience of negativity, for reacting to it and for then forcing myself into it as a way to prove to myself that I can be negative because 'I have not become positivity itself' instead of looking at how I have polarized my words and my world and freeing myself from my own definitions so I can start emerging as myself wherever I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define positive the following things, feeling good, having good relationships, making money, having a good life, being involved in the world at a certain level and not just surviving, being good looking and fit and for charging these expressions of myself with a positive energetic experience so much so that when I rejected positivity I moved to reject all the experiences I had myself labeled as positive, cutting myself out from reaching my utmost potential in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I reacted to posting the Principled Life Commitments that I know I want to walk with my group, I was afraid that I could not reach my utmost potential because all my potential was locked into polarized self definitions one way or another (positive or negative) that I would have to unlock before I would be able to access it as self expression and it seemed too daunting to even consider it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people that I define as negative because they touch upon subjects that I have defined as negative or they have an attitude that I have defined as ass-holish and as such, negative, and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am reacting to the self defined energetic content of my own definitions within myself as the mind because by defining negativity as negative, I tend to hop and skip through it whenever I face the experience I defined as 'negativity', its causes and its source, to be done with the experience that I fear as quick as I can, instead of addressing the source point and letting it go by releasing the energetic content and then redefining the label, the word in a self supportive way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a self defined negative event occurs in my life, such as a fight with my mother, to perceive myself as diminished for participating in a negative event, instead of removing my judgement of the event, the fear of the 'negative' label as to empower myself to see what happened for real and make the required corrections

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how much I was missing out stuck between two polarities that I came to believe to be 'evil', living in a constant state of friction within and as myself instead of, when an event takes place, breathe, look at any possible energetic label that exists in and as me relative to the event, release the energetic content and assess what I can do to move myself out of it and find a solution that works for all

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by the perception of being squeezed into a tiny spot, I stop, breathe, look at what I am holding a judgement about within a polarity mindset, release the energetic content in both directions and see how I can move myself from where I am into stability through breathing while I look for the reasons why I am accessing that specific experience so I can correct myself

When and as I see myself trying to assess in automatic if something is positive or negative through how I feel about an event, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that nothing is positive or negative unless it is seen through the limiting eyes of myself as the mind and that I can always find a solution for moving myself out of where I am by removing the energetic definitions of any event and move to look for the common sense practical solution within it

When and as I see myself perceiving myself as lost unless I define something automaticaly within polarity so as to know where to stand, which at this moment has become pretty much nowhere as I squeeze myself in between two impossible, refused charges, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have seen the point of what I do and look for the energetic charges either positive or negative or both that are generating this experience of myself as stuck between a rock and a hard place and correct myself

I commit myself to stop existing as an energy puppet and to reclaim my sovereignty over myself, my life and my own decisions beyond polarities of negative and positive or bad and good by investigating where are the labels, the charges I have submitted myself to that constrict me into a specific stance and to move to removing them with self forgiveness and self corrective application, one by one, until it's done