Saturday, September 15, 2012

Day 145: The Judge - Judging Myself and Others as Characters

This Character is one of my oldest and as such, most treasured.
Maybe treasured is not the right word, because this is one nasty Character, let's say one of the most familiar and yet uncomfortable, one of the most abusive and yet well known, letting go of some of my Characters feels like leaving behind an old time abusive friend, once you learn to live with the abuse you fear you'll miss them when they won't be around anymore.

I remember being a kid playing "the Judge" in the courtyard to establish who was Wrong and Who was right regarding disputes.

I remember as well a comment made by my mother to someone, praising me for being a natural 'Leader' and 'Moderator' and how good it felt to be praised for doing something worthwhile with my life at 5-6 years old.

Courtyard disputes were usually about stuff, toys, bicycles, who should play with whom, who said the wrong thing who said the right thing.

At the time I had not realized that my special position as a Judge was granted to me by being the one who had the biggest access to the Money system, as I was an only Child, never competing for resources within the family -until a new man came into the picture- and the only granddaughter as well, lavished with both gifts and Money that, as I wrote in another post, I could hide from my mother and gave me a sort of autonomy, I was somehow spared from the crawling all kids had to do to get into their parents favours to get what they wanted.

This put me above the crowd and as such, as the natural Judge of my Environment, like the TV Judges who have no Power in the reality of a courtroom but limit themselves to the recording room of the 'Judge TV Shows', my recording room was my courtyard.

The elation of my new role was short lived, because as soon as I embodied the Judge Character, the Judge started to Judge me as well, which was not what I had in mind when I self elected myself as the Judge of others due to my wisdom=as access to Money and yet, once the lock in to this personality suit took place, the nasty side effect of self judgement became more obvious and I started to experience doubts and anxieties, both on my rulings, 'what if I did not rule for the 'Right' One? What if I am influenced by my friendships ties? How can I be Wise to uphold this Judge Role with Fairness and Justice? 

Most of these questions were for sure prompted by talks with my mum trying to explain to me the 'Right and Wrong' of my new Character and how to try to be impartial when I expressed my opinion about others, something that we did not practice at home, as all the Opinions my family expressed, especially on my grandparents side, were absolutely biased and always designed to depict someone as 'bad' if they had fallen from their Grace, some of the comments made behind closed doors about people to whom they had smiled just 5 minutes before were scary and evil, they often threw in my mum as well and asked me to participate in the bashing, this was a point that ended up making me physically sick, in time I saw there was a correlation between my dinners at grandparents and my anxiety as I tried to not upset the boat by standing up for my mum and yet judged myself mercilessly for not doing so.

I don't have memories of much of the same happening with my mum, she actually tended like me to feel guilty and ashamed for saying certain things, not that the point of 'thinking certain things' is any different from speaking 'certain things' if not that they are not shared and exposed, and yet we have been granted by this world the knowledge that whatever happens in your mind is a bit like Vegas, as long as it stays in Vegas no one is the wiser.

Yes, it's true, no one is the wiser, as we drag our lives from one judgement to another, about ourselves and everyone else, the everyone else is like the chicken or the egg, still unclear who came first, did I start to judge myself first and then projected my judgements on others, or did I start to judge others first and then had no choice but to start to judge myself? Are there 'Others' by the way?

As I wrote I saw that self judgement started first, it must have, how could I start to think about judging another if I had not been shown what judgement is, we learn through example, so every time a parent criticizes their kid and passes judgements about how they express themselves, sit, walk, speak, eat, and then trying to access their mind with 'what were you thinking?' so they can judge their thoughts as well for being appropriate or inappropriate which is when and how we retreat into the mind to never again investigate what it is that is going on with me, where are these Thoughts coming from, how did this 'Thinking' business started and why don't I seem in control of it? WHO is thinking? Is someone living in my Mind doing the thinking? Why do I have thoughts I do not agree with, as Oscar Wild used to say?

So the self judgements piles up and then looking for relief, the judgement goes outward, to show oneself that I am not the worst, there is worse out there, look carefully, let me dig out some of their 'Secret Mind' bullshit and expose it, then we can all have a Judgement Feast, let's invite friends and celebrate our nastiness, see how we can outdo each other, who has the guts to judge the most, say the most awful things about another as The Truth, justifying how we crawled all the way under the scum of the Earth out of the Fear of being Judged, ending up Judging for a living, because when the Judgement of Others Stop, I am faced with all the Self Judgement I have not dealt with and God forbid I should open that damn of my own self created damn-nation, just to be swept away into nothingness and annihilation.

Will follow tomorrow with Self Forgiveness and SC to stop my participation in and as The Judge standing as  Judgement of myself and others as the Characters of Existence.

Enhanced by Zemanta

No comments:

Post a Comment