So, part of my annoyance with the point I wrote about yesterday brought forward his Character, the "I'm not That Kind of Woman' Character.
It is a preposterous statement from someone who has been All kind of Women and is a Character that doesn't have a clear idea of what kind of woman I am not, according to the occasion I'm just Not "That Kind of Woman" that someone is showing to not like/prefer/ admire or want to count among their friends, there, I am not THAT one, I am the Other One, the one that is liked, preferred, admired and wanted among your friends.
As we walk looking at the Characters we created it's amazing how we can keep up the act, oh wait, we can't, this is why we are going mental, suffer from depression, find all possible alternative therapies to cure the existential dis-ease that we have, our personality dis-orders, in which we lose the ability to manage the crowd in an orderly manner, like an Orchestra Director having to deal with musicians who have lost the plot and are now attempting to blow into violins or drum on trumpets, really, how long can we keep up the act?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the expression 'that kind of woman' with a negative charge, based on how I perceived the expression 'those kind of women' charged by the people who used it to diminish other women and ostracize them as 'not belonging to our group', when I was a child and later on in my teen years
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I'm not that kind of woman' even though I am not even clear about what kind of woman I am not, having failed to notice that if I were not 'that' kind of woman as all the woman kinds I have listed as not 'being like that' I wouldn't even exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not be 'that kind of woman' as in the woman that I perceive is not liked, appreciated, desired, admired and thought well of by others, failing to see that I exist as if the opinion others have over me is more important than just being me, here in and as self expression within the simplicity of Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than 'that kind of woman' not better identified but some kind of woman that I perceive is under criticism in a moment and to which I don't want to be associated
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I am not that kind of woman' as the kind that seduces a man who is younger, like a cougar, according to the new disparaging definition of 'such a woman', when in fact in my life I have been that kind of woman having lovers 20 years younger than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uppity and self righteous when I fear that someone might have made up their mind about me as being 'that kind of woman' and for wanting to prove them wrong because if I can prove them wrong I won't have to experience myself as 'that kind of woman' as a negative judgement in diminishment and shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I become 'that kind of woman' in someone's mind is a problem, when 'that kind of woman' is only defined by me within my mind which means I am having a problem with me and not with the judgement of another, as I am only making up the judgement of another in my mind as I project a situation about myself and 'that kind of woman' as a woman that is -hopefully- less than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file the definition of 'that kind of woman' as negative as in no good and I don't want to be or be thought or judged as a woman that is no good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called 'that kind of woman' even if just in the mind of someone around me and for trying to prove that I am NOT 'that kind of woman, doing things that make me feel ridiculous and pathetic as I battle with the imaginary dragons and phoenixes in my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the expression 'that kind of woman' to diminish another woman in my own eyes and the eyes of others and rule out any competition that could lead me to lose out in comparison to their beauty and or attractiveness or a point within which I perceived myself as 'inferior' to them, that now includes youth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the world in this kind of women and 'that kind of women' leaving the category of those kind of women always open for updates and corrections to suit my perceived inferiorities so I could come out the winner in my imaginary competitions of and as the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when resorting to the thought I am not 'that kind of woman' because to not be that kind of woman I first had to participate in a judgement about 'what kind of woman that woman was' and then separate myself from the judgement I made as me being better than that Kind of woman, instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I have been all kind of women at all times and I stand Equal to every Woman that I have ever met or will ever meet
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that when someone dislikes me or takes a distance from me, there is something wrong with me and he must have associated me with 'that kind of woman' which I desire to not be just because I don't want to experience the rejection and the judgement that is usually reserved for 'that kind of woman' to now be linked to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR to be 'that kind of woman', as the woman who is judged and pushed on the side of society because she is not fit to be part of the 'creme de la creme' because she is 'that kind of woman', the kind whose judgement we leave open and undefined to fit all possible situations and find a replacement and a walk in to any potential rejection
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected by others, instead of seeing and realizing that I have always and only feared my own rejection based on my own self judgement of myself as someone that in a specific moment stepped out of a line of acceptable behaviour and into the realm of 'that kind of woman' who took it on herself to now be ostracized and pushed out of the group
When and as I see myself desiring to use the expression 'that kind f woman' or thinking about the expression 'that kind of woman', I stop, Breathe, I ask myself what 'kind of woman' am I thinking or desiring to speak about as a way to not be associated with what I fear to be me, or have judged to be me and then I commit myself to write out the point to release myself from my own self judgements and fears regarding being rejected or pushed out of a group
I commit myself to investigate my fear of rejection and to flag myself to see when I step into the desire to separate myself from other women through the expression 'that kind of woman', so I can correct myself to stand as any kind of woman anytime beyond my self judgement based on morality and cultural beliefs that I may still harbour within and as me
I commit myself to no longer participate in and as the Character that says/thinks about other women as 'that kind of woman' as that is a point of separation that is not best for me or best for all and within this I commit myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All deleting this Character once and for All
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