Today I was asked to give an opinion on a business as a Consultant to see if an idea about an upcoming business was worth to be set up or should be abandoned. I was not asked by the Managing Director but by one of the partners who is a friend, so I gave the Consultancy for Free, this giving FREE services and work, in this case a Consultation, seems to be multifaceted in how I experience myself, if I had charged him I would not even have noticed my behaviour since I WAS PAID to behave as The Consultant and it was my Duty to be as blunt and honest as possible.
I have written a whole other post before this, which went nowhere because I was on the wrong route to be able to see what has really happened that left me with a feeling of having done 'something wrong', judgement of disloyalty and a general sense of bitterness in which I saw myself really attempting to justify why I was RIGHT to say what I did say, because I was The Business Consultant, and yet the Money Transaction to Pay and Seal me into that role that had not taken place left everything sort of hanging in the air and myself unable to wear my Business Consultant Suit in full without any external distraction.
So in summary, I was told about this new business yesterday by the Managing Director, a few things did not add up, like what would be His role, because I was under the impression that he was not a Real Businessman, he fitted better the 'Bullshitter Character' with which I am extensively familiar having played that Character way more convincingly than him many many times, but I have spent many years with real Businessmen and they have certain common characteristics, all of which he was lacking. Plus I felt that I was again dragged into one of the Italian Style business 'Practices', where everything and nothing is said, because as one of my last Italian Boss told me once when I said 'the guidelines are not clearly laid out and there is mch space for confusion and overlapping, so you must set clear guidelines to replace this ambiguity' to which he replied 'We love ambiguity Eleonora'! and that was the day I sent it my resignation letter from Hong Kong because I saw him as simply insane.
So here I was again walking the 'ambiguity line', I have done plenty of ambiguity myself, it's cultural, the language we speak doesn't support straight to the point talking or writing, which is why every time we translate from English to Italian we end up with a much longer text, as many more words are needed to lock a concept into an unmovable place and position that cannot be twisted and turned around, but ambiguity works well only when I am the one using it to allow myself many open unspoken options and I am correcting myself about this to become more direct and just more self honest about my communication which is why now I am annoyed by ambiguity even more than before, as before the point was, don't fuck with me, and now the point has moved to 'I am not fucking with you, why do you want to fuck with me, why aren't YOU walking your process of self Correction (Bastard- this is usually implied as a point of displeasure when one is NOT doing what I think and believe they should be doing)'. So yesterday I was taken to talk with their financial advisor while I was not even clear about what my role would have been or could have been, no, correct, I was very clear about my role because I wrote the project, but I was not clear about the fact that the guy attempting to clumsily offer me a job was clear about my potential role, or His potential role and expected responsibilities, which was more worrying than him not yet knowing what to do with me.
The presentation went very well and the financial advisor raised some of my same questions about 'His Role', for a few days I had listened to him talking about why he wanted to set up a new Facility Management company, most of it was bullshit, including "I want to give this guys a chance to try out the good things in the world, for example take a week off to go to the Maldives" spoken by a guy who has never been outside of Italy and was impersonating the Great CEO of a minuscule company of 4 people that was underperforming and in terrible financial troubles, that he was willing to leave behind to jump onto a totally new bandwagon that was not contaminated (by Him) and leave behind the troublesome Cleaning Coop that they share among 4 partners, like captain Schettino, the one that left the ship Concordia while it sank, way ahead of the passengers, saying he fell into a saving lifeboat but was going to maneuver and coordinate the life saving operations from the shore.
So a few things that I am seeing now about me as him, is that like him, all my life I have attempted to just move on from that which was not working, I would leave it all behind, jump into the first lifeboat coming my way and attempt to move on and start 'fresh' from an uncontaminated place, haha, obviously seeing this in him irritated me a lot, this point is opening up as I write so until now I was more stuck into the irritation for 'his' seemingly irresponsible behavior, where the fuck are you going Captain Schettino, get the Fuck back on Board !
Plus he lied to me about his past, this I have done too, most people do when they go for job interviews as they try to project a 'higher value' for themselves as they put themselves on Sale on the Job Market.
Lastly there is the point of the abuse, of wanting to do less than others and get more money, this I did not have because I did not have the guts to work less and earn more, unless after so many years, which is not his case, so this would be more of a jealousy point to see someone who actually got more money than others and worked less, my never come true secret dream.
So today when I played back in my mind our conversation of yesterday, I decided I did not want to work with him because 'he just doesn't have a fucking clue'.
I have had this a lot when looking at people in business, a long time ago I held socialists ideals, until I started to make money and realized I could make more than others and then socialism and ideals went out of the window as I followed my path of privilege justifying myself that I did better, held more knowledge and knew how about business management and operation than others and just allowed myself to embrace the system, why not, it worked for me.
Later today I had a long unexpected conversation with the Partner of the Managing Director, a friend as I said, who was obviously eager to wash all the company's dirty laundry and let go some steam with me to ask me what I though about the MD ideas to set up a new business and that is when I told him I was not so keen to participate and today I told him I did not want to go into a partnership with him, this I told straight to the face of the MD and that caused some havoc, the consequences of which I will have to walk as I reasses WHY I had to say this in front of their Financial Advisor if not to get a weight off my shoulders and be 'honest' about it. My 2 previous business partnership did not go well, funnily I had the exact same problem I COULD have had this time, a lazy 'havenofuckingclue' partner to carry on my shoulders so I just would not feel too lonely and would not have to FEAR having to move through the Business World as a Single Woman, a bit like marriage but I have this limitation not so much in walking life alone but walking businesses alone.
As he exposed the company's problems it was obvious that he had already seen that wayyy too Many things were 'business wrong', some inexcusably so, such as their cash flow problems and lack of new customers, some were blatantly abusive such as working less than all others pretending to be working from home, using company assets privately, like credit card and company car that he has never once used for the company, while inflating his ridiculously minuscule workload to have everyone believe 'he is a busy man', which is something I have done not in the same scenario, but inflating the perception that I did 'hard work', that I did, because as I said I felt guilty to be paid for doing something I enjoyed doing so I said it was 'hard work and not enjoyable', just to justify my wage as we all work doing what we hate 'in theory'.
There is a ruthlessness in me when it comes to business, I was as far as one could be from walking a process of Equality because as I saw that I had advantages over others in the business world I embraced meritocracy wholeheartedly, I just simply Deserved more, as I slaved more than others, took on more responsibility and basically somersaulted my way to the office everyday to make sure I kept this advantage, making myself precious everywhere I went and moved within the business world, out of the utter Fear of not being able to Survive in the system. Obviously this reinforced the idea that others deserved less because they were not willing to do what I was willing to do to keep my advantage.
So, after I listened to all the miseries and the lack of commitment of this MD, plus the fact that I see HIM as responsible for either driving the company to this place or/and not driving the company OUT of this place of misery and debt , I had not even one doubt and proceeded to spew my verdict
"T H R O W H I M O U T"
"T H R O W H I M O U T"
It is hard to own up to the fact that I did feel guilty afterward, but only afterward, so I can delude myself that I am basically 'a good person', I would kick someone out of their job even in a world where a job means the ability to LIVE, this guy has a family, a wife and kid, he is an inept, who will give him a job? I offered to help them out for free, but that would mean having to CHANGE, because until a NEW Monetary System is in place we have to work with THIS system, and this system doesn't allow for such management in a world of ruthless competition, they will have to make practical corrections to the way they are working, not necessarily working more, but working better, because there is a better in the business world, which is having no debts, a good pool of customers that feed you and are happy with what you do and reducing unnecessary costs. We have to give up something for a living now, some have to give up their Life as this system is not built to provide for the Needs of All Equally, especially we have to see that until a system for-giving is in place, we live inside an un-for-giving one, and that surviving is what we are condemning ourselves to until We stand For Change.
Tomorrow I will walk my Self Forgiveness for my Hatchet Consultant Character that doesn't bat an eyelid at the idea to putting someone in the street, even if this means he won't survive, because get it, when all is said and done, Business is Business.