Day 449: Rejecting the Positive while Still Afraid of the Negative

Today reading the writings of a friend I realized this point, I had been told to investigate the 'positive thinking' for myself as I had lived so much this doctrine I had physically become it, but when I met Desteni and I understood Positivity as just one of the polarities we live and play out, I just rejected it, trying to create a buffer between myself and it, basically between me and myself.

Did that work? No

On top of this, having rejected the negative for many years diligently, the fear of the negative staid with and as me, so much so that some days I feel as if I have no place to be, stuck between not wanting to be positive and rejecting negativity without clearing myself from my judgements of what is negative, I end up living in a sliver of existence carved out between the two.

So, here I will share my SF for my participation as the rejection of the positive and the fear of the negative experience of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in fear the first time someone told me 'positivity and positive thinking, you have become it', because I was aware that I did not understand in full the implications of this statement and hence I did not know how to move with it to correct myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reject anything that I see as positive, positive thinking, positive projected outcomes believing that if I could distance myself enough from positivity I would have it sorted out, forgetting the point 'you have become it' that I should have dealt with, positivity as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being glad about an outcome or a potential outcome as 'positive' and within this for rejecting the idea of an outcome that may work for myself and others as something not desirable, not to be desired because positive instead of correcting my energetic label about it and see the outcome for what it is, just best for me or best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that since 'I had become it', meaning the very polarity construct of someone seeking the positive, I could balance it out seeking the negative as in what I have defined as negative, calling it 'realism' while in the process missing out the point that I was still in full polarization but just on the other side of the swing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that you are either positive or negative at the core and that there is nothing in between and within this belief for seeking how to live in a tiny space between negativity and positivity, trying to not make waves, not enjoy myself too much (positive) and nor to embrace the world for what it is because it's too sad (negative), finding myself paralyzed at times inside a space that didn't allow myself to see clearly the outcome of a point as I was too busy not being positive and not moving into the negative - to even exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still reject at a physical level any experience of negativity, for reacting to it and for then forcing myself into it as a way to prove to myself that I can be negative because 'I have not become positivity itself' instead of looking at how I have polarized my words and my world and freeing myself from my own definitions so I can start emerging as myself wherever I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define positive the following things, feeling good, having good relationships, making money, having a good life, being involved in the world at a certain level and not just surviving, being good looking and fit and for charging these expressions of myself with a positive energetic experience so much so that when I rejected positivity I moved to reject all the experiences I had myself labeled as positive, cutting myself out from reaching my utmost potential in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I reacted to posting the Principled Life Commitments that I know I want to walk with my group, I was afraid that I could not reach my utmost potential because all my potential was locked into polarized self definitions one way or another (positive or negative) that I would have to unlock before I would be able to access it as self expression and it seemed too daunting to even consider it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people that I define as negative because they touch upon subjects that I have defined as negative or they have an attitude that I have defined as ass-holish and as such, negative, and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am reacting to the self defined energetic content of my own definitions within myself as the mind because by defining negativity as negative, I tend to hop and skip through it whenever I face the experience I defined as 'negativity', its causes and its source, to be done with the experience that I fear as quick as I can, instead of addressing the source point and letting it go by releasing the energetic content and then redefining the label, the word in a self supportive way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a self defined negative event occurs in my life, such as a fight with my mother, to perceive myself as diminished for participating in a negative event, instead of removing my judgement of the event, the fear of the 'negative' label as to empower myself to see what happened for real and make the required corrections

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how much I was missing out stuck between two polarities that I came to believe to be 'evil', living in a constant state of friction within and as myself instead of, when an event takes place, breathe, look at any possible energetic label that exists in and as me relative to the event, release the energetic content and assess what I can do to move myself out of it and find a solution that works for all

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by the perception of being squeezed into a tiny spot, I stop, breathe, look at what I am holding a judgement about within a polarity mindset, release the energetic content in both directions and see how I can move myself from where I am into stability through breathing while I look for the reasons why I am accessing that specific experience so I can correct myself

When and as I see myself trying to assess in automatic if something is positive or negative through how I feel about an event, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that nothing is positive or negative unless it is seen through the limiting eyes of myself as the mind and that I can always find a solution for moving myself out of where I am by removing the energetic definitions of any event and move to look for the common sense practical solution within it

When and as I see myself perceiving myself as lost unless I define something automaticaly within polarity so as to know where to stand, which at this moment has become pretty much nowhere as I squeeze myself in between two impossible, refused charges, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have seen the point of what I do and look for the energetic charges either positive or negative or both that are generating this experience of myself as stuck between a rock and a hard place and correct myself

I commit myself to stop existing as an energy puppet and to reclaim my sovereignty over myself, my life and my own decisions beyond polarities of negative and positive or bad and good by investigating where are the labels, the charges I have submitted myself to that constrict me into a specific stance and to move to removing them with self forgiveness and self corrective application, one by one, until it's done

Related articles

• 371. Desteni Insider: Fear, Fear, Fear
• 289: 'Be Positive' says the Distraction
• Day 184 - Self-Created Desperation
• Day 582 Self-Satisfaction?

Day 297: Redefining A Life of Escaped Negativity

Once I was no longer a kid the idea of negativity was already clear to me:

Negativity -a bad feeling place that is not nice to experience and is not appreciated by others, I never considered it wasn't even real, I was too busy staying away from it.

Of course once I defined negativity as a place I did not want to be, the search for positivity and positive experiences started.

I moved school to the intermediate school, the 3 compulsory years of education we had to do at the time beyond elementary school.

To the state it was enough that we could read and write, so we could sign cheques, mortages and effectively commit to our lives of debts.

I had the privilege of a private education, having experienced both I can say that there is absolutely no comparison between private and public education.

While my private education was tainted by nuns getting on their desk to show us how Christ was crucified or attempting to defame sexuality as 'the original sin', there was the real intent to teach.

I excelled in Math until I realized that what I did was not 'normal', meaning the way I saw numbers was not normal, math operations were like a movie in my head, I did not add or multiplied as I had learned, I just saw the numbers morphing into solutions.

When we were evaluated for our further education skills, I was told I would have to embark on scientific studies, I was designed for that, some of my math grades were embarrassingly high, I say embarrassingly because I was aware that there was no merit in what I did.

My mum made a lot of sacrifices to send me to private scientific studies, 30 years ago the yearly fee of my private school was 2000 euro.

When I arrived in the new school from the sheltered catholic life I had a shock, first the teachers changed for every subject, that was hard, plus the students were rich, way richer than my family and hence I had an immediate perception of loss of value.

This was externalized by how poorly I fitted in, I did not have the right clothes, the right accessories, the right bag, the right family, beyond what my mum did to pay for this school she couldn't do more, she worked many long hours in the evenings keeping the accountancy for the company my grandma was the Finance Director for, instead of feeling grateful for everything she did, I felt resentful.

I felt it was her fault that I had to deal everyday with those feelings of inferiority just because she wanted to send me to this upper class school, when we were not 'upper class' and this is when our relationship started to strain, I feel sad as I write this as I see how I have laid the first stones that I then had to excuse throughout my life always blaming her for our bad relationship.

In January there was an accident with a schoolmate, he told me his dad died and that was why he was doing poorly at school, I told the literature teacher so he could have some lenience for his poor performance but it turned out to just be a joke, they thought I was a softie and it was worth to mock the softness and the concern for others out of me.

When the story came out I felt embarrassed, stupid and asked myself what was I doing in a world I did not understand and where I did not fit in. I wanted to die, I took 2 blisters of pills, turned out they were nothing dangerous but I played the part with my stepfather for some pity, he said that would be our secret so my mum would not worry more than she already did about me. Nothing happened, I lived.

In February I gave up, I stopped going to school and went to the park instead, my mum worked it out only a few months later and told me to go and stay with my grandma for a while or she would kill me.

Of course my grandparents took the chance to play the 'good cops' and welcomed me with open arms for that summer.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the value of Life lay in the money we had access to, in our family "worth", clothes, external appearance, ability to buy what was trendy and to fit in instead of seeing realizing and understanding I was born into the consequences of a world we built in separation without consideration for Life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for my math skills as I became aware I had no merit for how numbers solved themselves in my mind and for feeling bad for my schoolmates who could not get math because I failed to explain to them how what I did just happened to me and was not a skill

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was something wrong with me when I discovered my mind did not process information like the minds of the people around me and instead of asking myself questions about why some had some skills from birth and some didn't, which would have been the beginning of my questioning the whole validity and benevolence of this existence, I settled to capitalize on my birth skills to gain a "moreness" for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum sent me to the new expensive school making it clear that we would have to make sacrifices for me to access this expensive education, to resent her choice to try and give me an advantage I did not care for instead of giving me the things that would have made me fit in, cool clothes, right accessories and a worthy family I could be proud of

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about resenting my mum and her efforts for my future and instead of looking at that guilt and correcting my stance about my resentment, find ways and reasons to blame her for my poor performance at school, making up a convenient perception of my childhood as difficult, hard, full of crazy people when in fact we all have it hard on this earth because our starting point through which we designed our experiences is one of separation and fear that could only as a consequence create a reality such as the one we live in

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my childhood as negative as an excuse for my behavior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I had the props that seemed required to fit into the rich crowd, I was less than them, and for allowing myself to diminish myself until I could no longer face school and lost the opportunity to make myself effective in life within the specific abilities I was born with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let go of my math abilities as a way to feel 'normal', fearing to 'not be normal' as it was for sure not normal to jump to the results of equations without doing the intermediate steps which I was always reprimanded for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty every time someone mentioned how good I was at math, because I had not taken the physical steps to that knowledge but had just access to it and hence I felt like a cheat, dishonest, someone who took short cuts even though I could not explain how the short cuts worked and why I was able to do that

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let go math which was a point in which I felt a real connection to myself for my desire for normality, defining normality as the lessening of everyone to the lowest point of existence vs striving for a normaity that would reach for the highest expression of our existence and our abilities for All, Equally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I stopped going to school and for lying to my mum about everything being fine, living in an absurd state of anxiety waiting for the truth to blow up in my face until it did

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to internalize the accident during which I felt ridiculed and mocked by my classmate as a moment of defeat, failure as a human being and for wanting to opt out because I believed I could not face the shame of going back to class after having been the object of ridicule for my naiveness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to end my life, defining a successful life as one in which I would be accepted, which was part of the reason why I told the teacher about my classmate, to be good and concerned about him, and when that did not work and became the very reason for which I was ridiculed to believe my life made no sense and I should give it up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to turn dark, seeking for famous poets and writers that would support my bleak idea of existence, writing on my diary that "Death is paid with Life', as if Death was the value I would have to live for and not Life, and within this for participating in the creation and acceptance of this world of Death vs a world of Life for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to entertain thoughts about killing myself until I decided I was too much of a coward to even do that and then I turned the table saying that it was easy to die and the hard thing was living - designing for myself a hard life to live to prove myself right

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attempt to brush all negativity under the rug, refusing to face my own negative experience of myself because I held a judgement toward negativity as 'BAD" and not a place I was willing to go to, and within this accumulating consequences over consequences as I skipped and hopped across my negativity jumping on one positive experience after another, just to fall back on my unresolved negativity when the energy of positivity would run out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experiences of negativity, for trying to push 'negative' experiences and negative people away, failing to see myself in what I did not want to face, my own self defined negativity and my own self defined negative experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear negativity as something to run from, to suppress, to cover up and hide as in this desire I became an easy target for drugs and mind altering substances and gave myself and my life up to pot which I defined as the solution to the experience of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my step father said we would have 'our little secret' to feel dirty and dis-honest toward my mother, adding another reason to resent her as the cause of my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let my past experiences define who I would become and who I believed I was, without seeing, realizing and understanding that nothing I experienced was real and that I just kept myself busy swinging between polarities as a form of mind entertainment instead of bringing myself back here to sort myself out once and for all with regard to my definition of 'negativity' and my experience with it, as it, that I ended up believing to be who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was the negativity I tried to escape from instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, negativity doesn't define me nor does positivity, those are just expressions of myself as the Mind, none worthier than the other but a distraction from being here stable in and as breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was the experience of my feelings and emotions, for believing that how I felt defined me as who I really am, instead of seeing and realizing I had the power to define myself, redefine myself in fact, to bring myself back into alignment to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One

to be continued

Related articles

• Day 295: Redefining A "Negative" Childhood
• Day 150: Recommitting Myself to Breath - Day 7 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge
• Day 131 - Part 10: The Consequences of what I Accept in a Moment
• Day 315 Being a Fucking Loser Part 5

Day 294: Negativity - Greatest Platform for Mind Control

An interesting topic opened up during a group chat: "Negativity".

I am glad this cat is out of the bag because I could not pinpoint exactly what has been going on with me, it was not depression but something close, it increased exponentially as time went by for no particular reason, it was easier to let go of the experience of positivity which I used to seek in the past, obviously as a cover up to the inherent negativity I always felt and lived as, as the feeling of being born in a heavily fucked up world for no apparent good reason never really left me, quite a conundrum if I have not yet stepped out of whichever of the polarities of this life I have defined myself as, negativity was harder to spot, partly because it's harder to see what you have in fact always been and partly because it seemed appropriate for the world we live in, kind of the right emotional response, 'cos isn't being positive a delusion and a form of self interest in a world of suffering?

Yes, but so it's being 'negative', it is just the swinging back to a perceived 'more acceptable' polarity, something that like clothes is appropriate for the occasion, so the world is a fuck up, negativity is called for and I'll wear it, I'll believe it.

The truth of the matter is that if I go back in time, a long way back, I remember the sense of negativity from very early on, with just a few moments of break in between, when I hopped onto the happy clappy mode as I shared activities with my family for which I would be told 'you are never happy - it's impossible to make you happy' and then I started pretending to be 'happy'.

I had looked at this point already when I delved into my positive thinking times with Law of Attraction and how we would be following the 'Think Pink/Get Positive/ Look at the glass half full' crowd as a way to be accepted and fit in, no one wants to be surrounded by the gloom and doom types, I for sure didn't.

And yet, we fail to see that negativity could be just another mind delusion, a place we are born into because without it there would be no fucking way to use "positivity" as the carrot at the end of the stick and then the whole system designed to have us 'follow our bliss/happiness etc' would just not work.

If we had designed this place we would have to start people off on one polarity, the name of the game was "swinging for energy", as a platform the negative was best, then people could be emotionally coerced to seek the positive and the feel good experience instead of having them start positive and then what - seek out horrible experiences for themselves? THAT would obviously not have worked, we are stupid enough to not have noticed the "drivers", but we would NOT have been stupid enough to go from feeling good to feeling bad as an apparent choice, even Humans would not have been that stupid.

So, negativity was just a great place to start. Incidentally it was who we are as well, separation didn't work as well as we planned, a bad trip for sure, seeking for more was just never enough.

Additionally, positive people make better slaves, productivity goes up with positivity and we could be sold the happiness we craved to overcome the Negativity of our very Beingness

And then we made up all sorts of sayings, pop wisdom, urban legends to highlight how much better the 'happy people'' are to be with, which created the desire to be one of the happy ones to be accepted and to not be ostracized and in turn be one of the fake happy ones asking others to be as fakely happy as we pretended to be, a real fool proof system for mutual Mind Control.

Breaking free will require for all to leave behind not only our 'positivity' but our 'negativity' as well, because until we do, the desire, hidden or suppressed, for happy experiences and excitement will be there and external and self manipulation will be possible, probable, in fact, certain.

Tomorrow I will start to write down my experience with negativity to walk myself out of it's spell once and for all.

What is left after the negativity is gone - will be interesting to find out.

Related articles

• Jujutsu Mind Control - Day 364
• Day 103: Polarities, Freedom vs. Survival
• Waking up from the Consciousness Dream world: DAY 335
• Self Change through Self Movement (Part Two): DAY 333
• Day 184 - Self-Created Desperation
• Day 231 - The Problem with Positivity - Pt. 2
• Day 270: Cheap Goods - Containment/Contentment Tools

Day 248: Moving Beyond Duality - Imagination vs Reality - Fear vs Desteni

I can talk from real life experience here.

My very first post on the Desteni website was 'are you aware guys of how much fear are you spreading?'. It's odd to look back now because I almost can't relate to that post anymore, I remember writing it, I remember even where I was when I did, sitting on my couch on a tropical island high on pot, still trying to imagine how Positive I was and how My Positivity and staying focused on the Positive was going to change the World.

The Positive Movement is Not a Proof of Our Intelligence in any way whatsoever, many of us followers or ex followers of such Movements did not even have the excuse that we did not understand the intrinsic Dualistic Nature of Reality, and yet, we I'm-Agined that we could focus/create the positive alone and overcome the negative, not that we would be creating both and then desperately try and stick to the Positive only while pushing the Negative under the carpet, disowning it, turning the other Cheek and pointing fingers at the Negative that would pop up in the World to show us what we were doing, Nope, THAT was Not Our Creation, we were the ones creating the Positive, sure thing, then Someone Else out there was sitting down in meditation just Like Us, and thinking up negative stuff, yes, that was it, Creation 101. Thanks God for ME!

On this point I had an encounter on my last trip to one of Matrix Energetics classes, one gentleman was distressed about a whole bunch of people playing with 'the Field', his concern was that if the Field was Finite and we were taking out all the goodies from it, what would happen to those who couldn't do so, and basically, what right did we have to take out all the goodies for ourselves and leave the bad, the shit, the nasty karma for others to live out, who said we were more entitled to the "good" of this world than others?

At the time being the Positive Cheerleader I was, I told him his worries were just imaginary, this was a good benevolent existence and everyone would get their share of goods, they would just have to 'focus on it', imagine it and not let negativity run their lives -obviously I was not considering the sick, the starving, the ones born on the outskirts of this Money system, but when anything else failed there was always Abraham's teaching -coming out a bit short on this one in the face of Existential Questions by the way-, we all chose the lives we live, don't worry, we are just having a ride, it's all cool.

In a way it's even true -bar the it's all cool part-, but how come we can't see how we are held captive to contracts that were signed through con-sciousness, if this was a ride, why can't we remember How We got Here and Why? Would that make the starving, the violence, the abuse and conflict any way more FUN?

I want to underline that at the time I was the kind of person who would run the tap water unnecessarily without closing it while doing other things in the kitchen, always eliciting irritation in my ex husband, to which I responded 'I don't believe in scarcity, I support abundance', this didn't help my passing on my 'positive opinions and MindSet' within my Reality based family as something Sane, as not believing in the scarcity of Finite Resources is a sign of a Mental health issues resulting from Imagining Life and the Universe vs Landing into it and checking against reality if what I make up/Imagine has any foundation in the Real Physical One Reality we all share beyond Opinions -unless we superimpose them on it, just like I showed I used to do- or if it's just my own Disney Movie in the Hollywood production of my Mind.

When I met Desteni I was already in the process of questioning the True Nature of Creation and of ourselves. As much as I would have liked to blame it all on God/ the Universe/ or the randomness of what brought us here, Here WE were, a pitiful example of what Humanity is vs what we Imagined it to be, insisted in fact on wanting to Imagine it to be, kind -as in HumanKind- good hearted, wanting each other's best,  and basically being inherently Good.

I had mental problem as well, we could call them mental dis-orders if we wouldn't be so scared to call things what they are, I had started to have flashes of images in my Mind, to explain it in computer terms, I had a full loaded Memory of which I was no longer in charge, imagine a computer virus that while you are working will just shut down the programs you are using and run its own, to say the least I was scared shitless.

What especially scared me was that even though I had been an avid reader all my life, I never came across Mind-disorders described as mine, these image flashing of which I was not in control, repetitive Thought Patterns as images and obviously each Image had a story attached to it, so I would spend my days running from one story in my Mind to the next, all based on my Imagination, not that I imagined pigs flying, no, I just imagined past stories and experienced them in strings that seemed sequentially meaningless, like randomly burping up reel thoughts, having a movie in my head that I could no longer stop that was made of bits and pieces of my life, mostly the shitty ones, the ones where I saw I could have done better, be different, act differently, speak differently and yet I had not and now I was condemned to the Playback of my Life while I only had the power to sit and watch in dismay. 

Of course my Pot use increased as the images in my mind became more random to try and push them back wherever they came from, and as I increased my Pot use the images gained power and finally I felt beaten, I resigned to this excuse of a life in which nothing was new anymore, where when walking anywhere, even to my bathroom everything had a meaning and a story attached to it already, for example my toothbrush, no longer a toothbrush but the memory of when my ex husband would squeeze the toothpaste on it for me as he did for himself, and this happened for every object in my life, the most meaningless menial object had a story and then a commentary to show me what I had lost, what I had missed out on, what I failed, my life had a whole new MEANing and it was not cool at all.

It took me 1 year to go back to Desteni, I could never dismiss their message in self honesty, it was so clear, consistent, and yes, absolutely totally frightening.

The Demons part was the center piece of my Fears, that too was based in my Imagination of what the demonic was and how I better run from it with all my power, interestingly once I overcame my fears it was one of my favorite parts, one of the most straightforward about Human Nature and why Demons ended up losing respect for us, the wimps of existence, not a pretty picture of ourselves but very informative, not to discount that if Demons could walk out of this duality crap, so can we, so it had an inspiring unexpected twist to it too.

Before taking the plunge and trying out the Desteni Tools, who were given to me for Free and that I chose to use and was in no way coerced or convinced or prompted or brainwashed to do so,  I wandered for 1 year trying to Not go back to it, I wished I could find something else to sort myself out, a miracle, a Holy Water, someone that agreed with me that they were loonies -found them too!- and yet they became my backchat, the point of no return that I feared getting close to and above all I feared what I would lose and miss out on, it took having nothing left to miss out on for me to move and approach them again.

"Do you know how much fear are you spreading around guys?", what I meant was 'do you know how much you scare me, do you know how much I would like you to say you were joking, that I don't have to give it all up -the delusion of me- that I can keep some bits and pieces, the ones I like -hard to pick by then-, do you know I scared I am that I will be laughed at, ridiculed for being part of a Cult, do you know they are telling damning stories about you and why on earth they didn't manage to con-vince me so I could dismiss You and Your message, that I have lived a life of Self Interest and in this I have separated myself from the whole and now I am left with a Hole as my existence that I can't fill with anything, food or pot, sex or mushrooms, nothing works anymore' and yet I hate that I came to Desteni at the end of the rope, I wish I had the common sense to Self Direct myself there but I didn't, because the Fear was too great and only when the Fear of my Life became greater than  the Fear of Desteni, they became a viable choice, the only choice left for me in fact.

It's been more than 1 year now since I started this process, many things have changed for me, I am building myself up into a stronger core, into trusting myself more, at least I trust that if not immediately I will be self honest about what is going on with me eventually and through self honesty I will be able to start to work out how I can correct myself, my Self, as each Self is called to Self correct to change this world that is nothing else but the sum of all the Selves for which we have refused so far to take responsibility for.

What I discovered by pushing through my fears is that Fear is my creation, it is through I'm-agining Life vs living Life that we build ourselves into Fear and then from Fear we built this world, as we fear who we are and then have internal conflicts between all our Imaginary Parts -talk about Mental dis-eases- we express into the world this very essence of ourselves, Conflicts and Fear, you don't have to look too far to see this, we have embraced a culture of War, a Gun culture, a conflict culture and then we disguise it all with diplomacy or with Liberal speeches like President Obama shows us, all talk about how good we are and how well we are doing and that is Our Imagination at work, we are Imagining to be those people we would like to be, the Warriors of Evil, Freedom Fighters, Democracy Bringers, in truth we are what the world is showing us, Conflict and Fear plagued creatures, seeking the Positive because we were born into the Negative experience of ourselves (how else would we seek the positive and find it even appealing if we were Positively charged when coming into this World? Think electricity and opposing charges attracting each other...) too scared to say that this is what we are and look for solutions to change ourselves.

If you are seeking for a way out of your I'm-agination of yourself because you have realized who you would like to be and beLieve yourself to be is not even close to who you really are and are ready to start to walk in and as Self Correction to realign yourself to Oneness and Equality of the Physical Here, join Desteni Lite, it's free, someone will assist to lay out the foundation for you to write yourself to freedom, out of your Mind, into the Reality that is One and we all share Equally, it's Here where we'll find the Solutions to ourselves and this World as Us and not up there in Imagination-Land as we try every trick of the trade to not Land and face who we  accepted and allowed ourselves to become just to find out that Nothing Works, until we become Self Honest and admit that we have screwed up and set out to make right what we know it's not right and that is each and every Self on this planet until we'll go back beyond the Imaginary Separation we created to Oneness and Equality as the Truth of Ourselves and All of Existence as Life, One and Equal.

Related articles

• Responsibility to Life
• 104- The Desteni Group = Learning how to Live what is Best for All
• Day 269: Are We Forgetting Something?
• Day 246: Learned Helplessness Character - I CAN'T DO IT!
• Day 277: Psyche Logical Creation and Desteni
• Day 220: The Greatest Cult in History
• Desteni I Process Lite: A Perspective - Day 281
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• From Reaction to Prevention and the Correction Process - Day 239
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Day 187: Social Engineering - My Constitutional Right to Happiness

This is a follow up to my Post 'The Downfall of Happiness', link at the bottom

So, since Happiness seems to be the thread that hooks me left and right in many seemingly unrelated ways, I will take a look at the origin of my Idea of Happiness.

It's quite sad to realize how we are sold our drugs and fixes by our parents first, but not surprising. The Mess of Humanity is quite extensive, they did not have tools to disentangle themselves such as we have found nowadays through the Portal and the dedication of some to What is best for All Life, and so there is no reason to blame anyone, but just a commitment to walk back to see where and how such points were sown and watered and ultimately accepted by us as ourselves.

My mum suffered from depression, which sucks, it would be quite normal to not wish depression on your Children if it did not work for you, so All Parents in the World mostly unite under One Common Banner 'the wishing of Happiness for their Children', did they all suffer from depression? This I don't know, but seeing this world and what it has become it's more surprising the happy side of our make belief lives that not the depressing/sad side.

It is interesting as well to see how we have not ever questioned Reality in any way, just the point of wishing Happiness on someone as the better of the two polarities within 'feeling bad and feeling good' should have raised a flag toward the point that mostly everyone must have experienced the 'feeling bad' of living. We mainly blame this on external sources, such as poor health, lack of Money, broken relationships, some kind of loss, and yet all of us learnt at some point in life that rich, healthy people who are in a relationship have been unhappy too, some to the point of taking their own lives.

Happiness is not a given in this world, it's an achievement, we have to 'do something' to be happy, and that depends on how each one has branded and defined Happiness, but Happiness is a 'to do' thing, 'do what makes you happy' 'what do you like doing, what makes you happy?'. In this parents play a pivotal role in the selling of the 'Happiness Product', it is a product, it's marketed and sold and ultimately bought by each and everyone of us -if and when we can afford it.

Happiness sells, there isn't one commercial showing 'sad' people, sadness doesn't sell, we have invented medications to restore the biochemical Happiness we seek and have become accustomed to identify Happiness with 'succesful lives', only happy people are really successful, of course living in a Consumerist system where Happiness is for Sale, Money has to play a big role in it.
The Poor are naturally, acceptably sad.

But what about if this elusive Happiness was elusive because it is NOT a natural state, what if our Natural State of being was beyond emotions and feelings and we were trapped in this make belief world chasing good feelings while fleeing bad/negative emotions?

Wouldn't the question then be, where are the negative/bad emotions we experience coming from, why is the starting point of our existence negative/bad, so much so that the system found ways to make Happiness into a sure Sale, why is Happiness not lasting, elusive, why is everyone rooting for Happiness in a rotting world?

So, I will apply Self Forgiveness to release myself from this Idea of Happiness as an experience, as an achievement, as an aspiration I must hold on to, as my secret suppressed Desire, because it is in the seeking of what is not Real that we have signed away our Right to live outside of our self created boxes that we designed & then accepted and allowed to stay in place, until Happiness became the driving force of existence and a Constitutional Right, the best stroke of genius, because if the Pursuit of Happiness is my Right, by God I'm gonna get me some.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to seek Happiness in separation from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Happiness is worth dying for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is an Happiness out there that I must seek and then achieve and then hold on to as a proof that my Life is worthy of something because at least 'I'm Happy'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I was letting my mum down when I couldn't generate the "Happy' feeling that I was supposes to feel so 'she could be happy too'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'the important thing in life' is to 'be Happy' failing to realize that every time I failed to 'be Happy' I would then judge my life and myself as Not Important, dispensable and ultimately a failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be Happy as a feeling of Happiness, without realizing that the 'feeling of Happiness' is a biochemical creation, a shot, a fix I seek to validate my life and my existence because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'the important thing in Life is to be Happy' and when I am not, I failed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum as a failure because she could not keep herself happy all the time even though she said that being happy is 'the only important thing in life' and for fearing that I may become like her, unable to sustain the Happy Feeling long enough to be likable and someone others would like to spend time with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure because I could not hold on to the Happy feeling in a sustainable way and I had to come up with new things and props to make myself happy and those led me to live a self destructive life in the 'Pursuit of Happiness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave in self destructive ways toward my body in my pursuit/fix for the experience of Happiness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when someone said 'nothing makes you happy' feel guilty and ashamed because I was not good at generating and holding on to this 'happy feeling' and for this I judged myself as a failure and someone who was not right but wrong and flawed


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was wrong and flawed unless I could generate and hold on to the Happy Feeling that I was supposed to feel because I had a home, food and was luckier than most and yet, it was not enough


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the point of 'Happiness' as a dis-ease and not something that I felt at ease with due to its volatile nature and the things I had to do to reach that 'feeling' and then make it last as long as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be Happy, seeking the acceptance of those around me that I knew treasured 'the Happy people with the Happy feelings' and for fearing that if I was Not Happy I would be rejected and for living with and as fear of rejection for Not Being Happy I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be surrounded only by Happy people so it would be easier for me to keep up the Happy facade and not have to face the point that I was deeply sad and that this experience of living vs Life was less than satisfactory in any possible way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn into a Positive Thinker, hoping that if I focused on the 'Good' long enough I would be able to make myself Happy and live an acceptable Happy Life, making my Life conditioned to the level of 'happiness' I could generate and hold on to, never questioning WHY we created philosophies such as 'Positive Thinking' which would not make sense unless we were 'negatively thinking/experiencing' ourselves to start with, and yet suppressing the unacceptable negativity to cover it up with the sugar coating of positivity while I allowed the negativity of me to run havoc in separation and denial of it, instead of standing up within myself and correcting my participation with and as negativity that I believed to be me until I became it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the fear of experiencing myself negatively within the belief that it was out of my power to change such experience of me and that That was who I was and that such belief was the key that run my Life blindly into the Pursuit of Happiness as I escaped the negativity and the negative experience of myself jumping right into the arms of the Consumerist system that made it its business to sell Happiness in so many disguises for a price and within this, for giving up myself in The Pursuit of Happiness I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist giving up the Quest for Happiness, because I feared that if I took Happiness out of the Equation, there would be nothing left since Happiness is the Most important thing in Life and when you have THAT you have everything and so I feared having nothing left and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated and judgemental when I see Happy People on Tv ads, because I secretly held on to the desire to be Happy, but I won't allow myself to be Happy now because I no longer want to participate in emotions and feelings, so I am sad instead, because sad seems a more justified emotions for the times we live in, at least it's real, when in fact none of them is real, nor the Happiness or the more "dignified" version of its polarity as Sadness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to Sadness because it's still an emotion, it's still something I can define myself by because what If I am not happy nor sad, do I even exist then?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as one with my experience of emotions and feelings, without ever asking myself how could I be my emotions and feelings if there was no stability but a swing I would board ad nausea and from which I just feared to get off, and for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting off my emotional roller coaster I forgive myself as I see, realize and understand that I have subjected myself as my physical body to much strain and pain within my pursuit of happiness and fear of sadness and that I am not self realizing anything just because I condemn myself to the other polarity of the Happiness swing, out of an imaginary 'decency' for which I felt the need when I understood who we are and what it is we are really doing here and for not realizing that sadness is not ennobling me in any way, it's not making me more than the 'Happy people' out there and so within this I commit myself to keep investigating how and why I am still swinging on the happiness/sadness swing instead of getting off for good once and for all, until I do, for myself and All of existence, Equal and One.

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Day 156: Stopping the Good and Bad News of Who I am

When and as I see myself reacting to something I am reading, I stop, breathe, realize that everything that exists is in fact coming from the same substance and what I react to is just a point from which I have separated myself from or wish to separate myself from, instead I see realize and understand that my participation in feelings and emotions is just a point I use to experience myself as energy and so I stop through breathing until I no longer have reactions within me as me

When and as I see myself not wanting to read a news because 'it's just too much', I stop, breathe, see and realize that I am not reading news to participate in negative emotions that prove that I am Good because 'I feel bad' about it, I am reading the news to expand myself to include everything that exists as me, beyond labels of good or bad, beautiful or ugly, right or wrong, and that whatever I see outward that is not in fact supporting Life as what is best for All, I can seek it inside of myself to self correct to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself discounting 'breathing' because I'm too busy holding my breath to get through some of the horror news of our times, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, remind myself that I am moving into an energetic experience that I use to justify why I am breathless, I can instead stop myself and breathe as a self willed act of self support, until I no longer feel friction or separation regarding what I am reading, which is but a consequence of how we created this reality from fear and self interest and why we are standing to correct ourselves

When and as I see myself wanting to 'take a step away from an event' to underline how I could have never done that', about what I am reading and the person who did it to which I feel superior, better then, I stop, breathe, realize that as The Mind I was just luckier to not have the same life experiences and genes that would take on such extremes, but I have gone to extremes in my mind and the fact that I didn't get to play them out doesn't make me better than anyone who did as the pressure valves of existence, just Equal in the Mind fuckupedness that we are standing to self correct, take self responsibility for and leave behind for good

When and as I see myself wanting to judge myself as 'bringer of bad news' meaning something that may make someone sad vs a news that may make someone happy, I see realize and understand that what I am doing is supporting their mind as feelings and emotions, as positivity vs negativity, so I too can get to feel rewarded with a positive experience of myself as being good vs being bad for being the supporter of 'good experiences/feelings' and not the party pooper depressing 'in touch with reality' one

I commit myself to finding the points within me where I have separated reality through morality of good and bad, right and wrong, leading to judgements of what is in separation from myself and to correct myself by deleting my 'stances' as opinions and judgements so that I can walk this creation as one in and as breath and not as a reactive tool of The Mind

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself reaching or about to reach the 'enough already' point, o stand up, breathe, bring myself back to the physical, realize I have gone lost into the Mind or I could not be approaching the 'enough already' point in any give moment and keep breathing until I am back here in and as breath, no longer reacting

I commit myself to stop dividing news into good/positive news and bad/negative news, as this is an energetic classification of how I experience myself when I do read or engage in something and is based on the stored information I live as me which are charged and divided by my own definitions in 'what is good and what is bad which will give me an experience of either positive or negative, both of which are not real and not representing what is in fact here in the Physical as a point that simply needs my self correction about my judgements/opinion/idea/charge, that I need to investigate to equalize myself to

I commit myself to stop judging myself for speaking the common sense of what is best for all, which is not something just grandiose such as feed everyone, but each situation, point, moment as an expression of myself has a 'Best for All' moment, and I commit myself to find it and simply express it as me within the simplicity of Breath as me as self expression.

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