Day 158: Stuff Nightmares are Made Of

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Posted on Desteni Forum under Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 41: I kill Ants, my Neighbours kill pigeons, the Vatican kills Popes, who is better ?

I watched a documentary yesterday on the History Channel about Pope John Paul I, the Pope that lived only 33 days and whose memory has been quickly swept under the holy carpet in case someone should question how an healthy Man who was relatively young and fit could die suddenly and then be rushed to be embalmed 5 hours after his death.

Not that it makes a difference because Popes cannot be subject to autopsy, this is a clever prevention Law that was set in place long time ago, even before the church had a Pope coming straight from the Borgia lineage that was named Alexander VI, yes we had a Borgia Pope, Alexander VI was widely known as a corrupt and manipulative pope, scheming for his family's benefit. Many claim that the Papacy reached its greatest moral decline of the Renaissance during his pontificate, but it is not true, he just did not have the good taste to keep everything hidden and secret, something they have remedied throughout ages managing to manipulate every record and history book that may have made look bad.

If you have that kind of power on the planet, Temporal and Secular, you need some Insurance policy, some back up in case something goes terribly wrong, like a Pope who may get the unfortunate idea to expose the Masonic connections of the Vatican and do some spring cleaning.

At the time of the death of this Pope Cardinal Marcinkus was head of the Vatican Bank, it is well known that the Vatican Bank has ties with the Mafia and that it is used for the laundering of the Mafia Money and other illegal activities.

When Calvi, who was another banker that mingled with Marcinkus and the Vatican State was found hanging from a London bridge Called the Black Friar bridge, the links to the Vatican and why he had to die were quiet evident, deliberately evident in fact to those who could read the signs, they were a warning to never ever fuck with the Vatican, because they could have you hang from a bridge in London with your pockets full of bricks and have the case dismissed as a suicide

The prosecutor of this case and journalist who followed this track were also found dead.

Vatican Inc. will not be taken down by a stupid Pope who just had some weird ideas of what the purpose of an organization that should stand for the people was, as Marcinkus said, The Vatican doesn't run on 'hail Marys', and in fact, if you check out the wealth of this ridiculously small state that was given absolute power by Mussolini you will see that they not only do not run on Hail Marys, but they are far from trusting this world or this creation and have piled up quite a loot, for rainy days to come.

Yesterday My neighbour, a frail looking lady who goes to Church on Sundays, told me that a pigeon had come into the common landing where we have no plants or anything that could make us territorial, yet he left a small shit on the floor and so she decided to put some bread dipped in chlorine as she remembered a caretakers telling her that this is how he got rid of pigeons. I stood there saying nothing, she and her husband were waiting for my congratulations on a plan well laid out, yet I found this quite revolting, out of the movie 'Arsenic and Old lace', what was it to us this pigeon coming in searching for cover during the 2 days of extensive bad weather we had. When they left I removed the poisonous bread and went back to my apartment, leaving poisonous bread for a pigeon whose only fault was a little shit on the landing seemed a bit of an overkill, the punishment was above and beyond the crime. The clumsy Borgia living next to me will possibly forgive me for interfering.

A week ago, I wanted to write about my relationships to Ants in my kitchen, and how I feel every time I kill one and have to face that I cannot even respect an ant that doesn't shit around, bite or poses any threat to me, my safety or my home, but just comes to see if there is something for her to eat, my building may even have been their home once yet I have not been able to find common sense solutions to my living with other creatures of the world, just because I hold ideas and beliefs of where ants should live and how they should accept their placement in the world, just like me, I have lived a slave life and I take it out on the smaller creatures of the planet, I am a Bully.

So what is the link between me, my pigeon killing neighbours and the Pope killing Vatican ? Apparently none, yet there is a common thread linking all of us, we just do what we have to do to get our way, if I were  my bored neighbours I may see the plotting to poison a pigeon as the highlight of my week and if I were in charge of the finances of an Empire, well, it seems clear that I would do what the Vatican does, would get rid of anyone in my way to get my way, because an ant, a pigeon or a Pope, they all just represent what stands between ourselves and the way we want things to work out, no matter who has to die, we'll get the job done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be revolted by the Vatican and what they have done through History, instead of seeing and facing the fact that if I were them I would have done everything required to have my way and get things done to save myself and my position in the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the Vatican as a bunch of criminals failing to see I am a criminal myself who abuses Life, I just have only access to the small plot in this system, like sterminating ants and not to the big ones like killing Popes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the Vatican for what it represents, failing to see that I can only hate myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest such system of control and abuse in and within my unwillingness of taking responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for my participation in and as this system of abuse, where I can see myself in and as the Mind go to any necessary lenght to fulfil my desires and experiences, uncaring of the consequences or how my participation may affect others and the world, because I have not been willing to stand in and as Self responsibility for myself as the whole, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have vicious and nasty Thoughts when someone 'fucked with me' likw the vatican does, and for accepting and allowing myself to engage thoughts and desires of spitefulness and revenge that I have lived One and Equal to me in my desire to get even or to inflict the same harm I perceived was inflicted onto me, without considering that Thoughts manifest and that I have infact kept fuck all secret because I can look at the world and what is manifested without to see myself within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in Secret Thoughts of My Secret Mind, creating alternate realities, events and manifested consequences that I then had to live out, failing to see my own creation at work displayed in fron of me for me to walk as manifested consequence and instead of stopping myself I built an existence of denial and separation, trying to separate more and more from the manifested consequences of me as me so I would not have to face me as the Creator of this shithole I have turned my existence into and the world One and Equal to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be happy when my granddad dog would attack anyone wearing a black robe and therefore all priests in sight, because I saw them as one of the sources of Evil of my country/the world and believed they should be attacked and taken down, when I am in fact the same source of Evil in and as the Mind within a system of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be willing to forgive the Vatican and for feeling irritation every time something related to the Vatican comes up because I don't want to face the same Evil that exists inside of me in smaller scale, just because I have not had access to the bigger scale plays of this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to forgive my Evil existence as a point of self righteousness so I can stand above the Vatican and those who I judge as worse than me and get to feel better about myself than how I would feel if I admitted to my Evil to self forgive it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself so I can stand self righteous and self fucked in and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that killing is measured in grades, like ants are less important than pigeons, and pigeons less important than Popes and within this accepting that Life has grades of value, instead of seeing Life One and Equal in every living expression of the Planet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and  believe that they should just place a bomb in that filthy institution that the Vatican is and stands for, without seeing that my desire to place a bomb for the good against evil makes me a murderer not less than the Vatican people because there is no good reason to take someone's life or to suppress any life expression just so I can have my way and id the world of the reflection of the Evil of who I am and have accepted and allowed myself to become so I won' have to face it and stand up in self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel righteous when I felt disgusted with my neighbours for wanting to kill a pigeon when I am an Ant serial killer and it is not the dimension of the life we suppress that defines us but the desire to suppress and the reasons we make up to have it our way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remove the poisoned bread my neighbours left for the pigeon so I could judge them as being more scum of the earth than me and I could feel better about myself while I stood in the self righteousness of me 'doing the right thing'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself when I kill ants because I play in my mind a whole story of maybe having killed the parents and now the baby ants may be left orphans and then I imagine is the baby ants coming back to the sink looking for their family, failing to realize I am just using stories to fuck with myself and my mind because feeling good about killing ants makes me believe I am Human and have compassion in and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow that anything goes for me to have my way and that if I have to kill so be it, because this makes me no different than the Vatican or my clumsy Borgia neighbours, we just took on the tasks we had within the context we live to express the same absolute point, there is nothing we would not do to have it our way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and exist as a self interest machine, only interested in how I can make things work for me, uncaring of finding ways to live and coexist with others on this planet that is not mine alone but of all living forms that share it, in ways that are Best for All and not just best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project on the Vatican all the Evil of the world in my mind, so I would not have to look at the Evil I myself exist in and as, and change myself so as to no longer live on the Autopilot of my Life of Self Interest, but be the correction of myself that I want to see in this world, where I stand in and as Life, in and as What is best for All, stopping all judgements and ideas of who is better and who is worse in this existence where there are no better or worse but All equally responsible for what is here that needs to be addressed and corrected inside of me so the world may change as a reflection of me and my new stance in and for What is Best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to compare my own Evil to the Evil of others and come out a winner as in less Evil than others which gives me reasons and justifications of why is it not required of me to change, because there is worse out there, instead of seeing we are Equally Worse as each one of us as maxed up Evil within their own sphere of influence and world placement and that my participation in and as the Mind makes me One and Equal to everything that exists all the way to the lowest point of this Creation, until I stand in Self Honesty, and change from the lowest point of me, One and Equal, and return myself to Life as Life for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the existence of a religious institution that embodies our unwillingness to become self responsible for this creation and for abdicating to them my power to stand as the Self Correction this world will manifest once I self Correct, because I rathered blame them for what I have become because of my brainwashing as a child, instead of seeing I accepted and allowed the brainwashing because I rathered be brainwashed into believing that someone else was responsible than stand in Self Honesty and Self responsibility to look at this world mirroring me back to me so I can see how and where and when I abuse myself and I can stop to stop all abuses of this World One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the teaching of me as a sinner, an intrinsically faulty human being as being 'only human' accepting that I would never be able to stand in and as the correction that is required in this world, making myself Equal to everything that exist, to stop the separation of me from existence that I cannot change as me unless I become it first, stopping my judgements, ideas and opinions, the memories and feelings and emotions that I have created and then stored and lived in and as me that prevent me from being Here in every moment of Breath where change as me can be accumulated in time and where I can take back everything that I have created, accepted and allowed to manifest in self interest and separation to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

When and as I see myself trying to make myself MORE than others in my goodness or LESS than others in my Evilness, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that Equality already exists although in a twisted way as the Mind in which we are all Equally fucked and that there is no point to participate any longer in competitions about who has been the Evilest, since we have all done our very best within our participation of acceptances and allowances in and as the Mind, instead I Breathe, remind myself I am stopping my existence of separation and competition in and as the Mind in which I have to prove that I am more, fearing to be less, and bring myself back Here consistently in and as Breath, to stop existing as a Mind Consciousness System and birth myself as Life into the physical

I commit myself to stop judging others, projecting blame on others and instead take responsibility for myself, my thoughts, words, feelings and emotions so I can stand in Self Correction until I am no longer separate but Equal and One to existence as Life to manifest a system that is Best for All as a reflection of myself and my effective Self-Forgiveness for myself and All as One and Equal.

Day 15: Sex as a Value System

I have a poor history of relationships, I had poor examples as well while I was growing up, so I could never record and file an acceptable way to experience myself within relationships as fulfilling.

My grandmother had been married twice, the first time she divorced she said it was because 'they were so different' and they were, putting together the unbiased info of their relationships, my grandfather liked sex, but was probably not skilled at it nor he was into self expression as NO Catholics could do sexual Self Expression being sexuality something to suppress, and my grandmother loved Money and a Status, nothing my grandfather could offer.

The urban legend around them has two sides, one side, my grandmother's side tells the story that she was abandoned during the war with a small daughter and that my grandfather would send his military wage while abroad, to his mother, so when he returned from the front, she told him to fuck off back to his mother, then, she said, years later she met my step grandfather.

My grandfather spoke little about her, but even after 30 years, he still hated her quietly, as the offence she cast on him by leaving him, HE, a good looking man with a sure job within the system, even though not a glamorous one, was impossible to overcome. One funny anecdote is that many 30 years after she left him, he met her by chance at my mum's office but did not recognize her and believed her to be my mum's friend and he was absolutely nice to her, leaving the 3 of us, grandma, mother and myself, totally blown away, until we realized he had not seen who she was, it was a politeness addressed to a mistaken identity.

My grandmother was very beautiful, movie star like beautiful, which was one reason why she thought she could do better than my grandfather, meaning, her beauty on the Money Market or on the Potential Money market was worth more than her first marriage out of need, to which she agreed only to find a place to live for herself and her mother, my great grandmother, just before the II World War.

She passed on to me this belief, that I could have any man I wanted, a belief I actually went and tested out and found to be quite true, which just meant, any men would respond to my making a move or opening the door to make a move, but later I discovered that this would have been the same for every woman in Italy as the men are raised to never 'reject' a woman in fear of not 'being man enough' so I just played a part and they responded with their own preprogramming, this was no point of value for any of us even though we both mistook it for one, the men feeling valued by the openings, the women feeling valued by the acceptance and the men's desire.

Recently I have seen a very sad Italian comical movie titled, "You cannot judge me' in which a woman whose husband dies is forced to become an Escort, this is the new politically correct name for prostitutes, as they Escort a man, to his bed, but sounds better, the whole movie is all about the point of us accepting that hard times require hard measures, and selling out to prostitution cannot be judged as bad (which we all agree about, how can we judge what we have to do to survive, who knows what each one of us would do with a small child and the fear to go to prison ?), but this movie is tragic because what they meant is we have to support this idiotic economic system that makes us sell out into prostitution to pay our debts, that is in fact honourable, paying your debts at all COSTS, questioning the system is DIS-honourable and NOT allowed, so just go out and find 'creative' ways to make money as the system is fixed and unchangeable, you instead have still room for self diminishment and creative sell outs. 

What are we accepting and allowing ourselves to become to NOT question this system and ourselves as the bricks that keep this system together ?

In the movie a photographer tells her 'you have a cunt, but don't deserve it', meaning you have no clue on how to capitalize on it, this was a clue point for laughter, it saddened me greatly, that this is what we have become, cunts for sale, as in the Italian language we built up to that, calling women 'beautiful cunt' or any other name that suggests 'cunt' in a more politically correct way, has become acceptable and desirable as the truth of what we are, walking cunts waiting to be picked up and prized at the Sex market that existence has become, having accepted and agreed on a world that runs on sex and Money.

In the same movie there is another tragic joke, when she is told to advertise having a cup D of breast, and she objected having just a cup 'A' and the photographer told her 'Dear, it's just to lure them into your home, then once they are there and aroused they would fuck even a sink' to which she replied 'this is really flattering', yet this is a point we all know, we all abuse, we move and breathe sex and we hold on to not give it too soon, as that would bring on inflation as for everything that is pushed on the market not having waited for the height of the hype, so we hype ourselves up, through make up and clothes and high heels and sexy stockings, our lives are built and geared up to advertise what we will later deliver, once we get the man to jump into enough fire loops to show his devotion because as my grandmother used to say 'If he loves you, he will wait', as a sign of respect, to show that he is not just a dog, beating his hard on down with a newspaper when no one is watching due to the arousal we are raised to stimulate.

A life of simulation and stimulation.

So sex was something that was distorted in my mind as a power tool, it seems that what we had between our legs was the focal point of our existence, when all else would fail we were taught there is an intrinsic value to us, our sexuality, we can always sell out, without seeing we sell out by moving, speaking, building up the electrical charge that we will shape into a wooden club we'll use to beat the men on the head, just until the roles are reversed, immediately after sex, then they become the powerful ones, they got the prize and now we have nothing left to give away, we are left with the memory of the power we held until we gave in and now they hold the power of deciding  when and if they will fuck us again, this is how we build up the numbers with men, we end up to have xx men, yeah, a double digit number, because something weird happens after sex takes place and many potential relationships turn out to be just what they were, a ride, to which we both wanted to give a glamour cover as Love or Potential Relationships, while aware that very possibly, once consumed, the programs that make men disgusted with women would kick in, and the shame the women feel for having given in too soon or having 'given in' at all just to face now the men's refusal and disgust would make any attempt to a relationship impossible and we just have to resort to moving on until we find the next pray to repeat the sex dance again until one day we just STOP and look at what is really going on to stop repeating the patterns of Sex as Self Abuse instead of Sex as Self Expression within Agreements of Self Support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my worth lies in my sexuality and how well I play the sexual card

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired as a way to measure my value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate men into desire as a way to find value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear intimacy and to offer sex instead of intimacy because I was not even intimate with myself and had no clue about how to correct that point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire intimacy as something that my partner would and should give me instead of realizing I cannot have what I don't give so I have to start with self intimacy to buil relationships of intimacy with another One and Equal as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman's purpose and reason to exist is to be desired by a man and then have a relationship and ultimately to be married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold sex as self expression as a way to manipulate emotions and feelings of the men who desired to experience it with me until the moment was 'right', meaning hyped enough for maximum energy build up and release

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the men's disgust after sex because I could see it was a recurrent pattern but not to what it was linked or how I caused it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the cause of the men's disgust instead of realizing that it was not their preprogrammed disgust that bothered me but that I took it on and lived it one and equal to me as self disgust for my own participation in and as the sex system of manipulation and abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself to not show I enjoyed sex in fear of activating the 'disgust' programming in men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe we held the power between our legs and that through that we could always get our way instead of learning to build an honest communication based on self honesty and self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being called 'a beautiful cunt' was something to aspire to as a way of gaining value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to expose this sex point because it's private and shameful to share all the stuff that went on in my secret mind about sex because I fear the judgement of others and my own self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame and guilt for the sexual experiences I had because I felt I was never real but a carbon copy image of the porn images I saw and I believed I had to play out to gain value as a sexual object

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed to just walk by men in the streets because I assumed they were always thinking about sex and fucking and I did not want them to think those thoughts about me when I did not agree to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as the only power we have as women because by accepting and allowing this belief I agreed to a world where women are selling themselves as their only and last resort for survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self expression as sexuality because I did not have a map of how that should happen and I did not understand self expression having always and only lived in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad to see how far we have gone in our gap between men and women and for being aware that I have fully participated by holding on to secret thoughts and beliefs such as this that I am now willing to expose so we may all see we share the same sick mind and we need correction to be able to build agreements instead of the sick model of relationships in which we praise secrets and manipulation as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was sick in my head regarding sex and sexuality instead of seeing, something wrong is going on in this reality and we need to question because I'm sick and not raping people and some that are further down the line from me are doing just that, so , really, what is going on in and as our minds that needs to be addressed and self corrected for and as What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a sick sexuality inside within a closed system that showed a sick sexuality outside that has been getting worse since I can remember with more abuses and violence and the demeaning of women having reached unprecedented levels, there may be a connection between our minds and our world inside and the world outside Equal and One and we may have to stop and address what goes on inside of us to purify what goes on outside of us and to create a world that is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the arousal of men as a point of self empowerment in the game of winners and losers as I get to be the winner when a man gets a hard on and he gets to be the loser for having been unable to control himself and his own mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see men as weak because with a hard on you could lead them anywhere

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sex as Self Abuse in and as the Mind  instead of expressing Self as Self Expression One and Equal to my physical body

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into one of my sexual personalities for the purpose of manipulation, I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to call flirty what is abuse and manipulation and breathe myself out of the temptation to engage automatically one of my personalities just to go on a ride into Self Abuse taking others with me along the way

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self judgement about my sexual life, or the desire to judge others about their sexual life, I stop, breathe, remind myself we are all preprogrammed sex slaves and stop my participation in any form of judgements in separation of me from Self as Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself desiring or about to engage the desire to move into sexual behaviour, covert or not, I stop, breathe, bring myself back into the physical, remind myself that sexuality that happens in my head is NOT real and that I want to learn to express my sexuality in and as the physical as Self Expression and that every time I engage in Sex in and as the Mind I move myself away from self expression Here in every moment of Breath and I no longer want to do this

I commit myself to disengage myself from sexuality as a way of communicating with males  and as a way to gain value for myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as Self Value and Self Worth and that when I see an emotion or a feeling arise due to sexual remarks or sexual innuendos I stop, breathe and disengage as accepting value through energetic movements is a moment of separation and self deception in which I move away from Self Value in favor of the Mind Illusory value and from Life in favour of the Energy show that I have decided to give up as and for Life and What is Best for All.