My mum has been staying for a couple of days, she is 72 but very alert, no Alzheimer or Dementia, which would be points that would allow me to ease off out of this Character that I saw myself step into when I have to 'repeat Myself', because I could use HER Dementia to "Excuse Her" for having me repeating myself over and over.
Basically today I experienced a reaction after the 3rd time she made me repeat something, and I had a quiet backchat going but it still was there, and it went like this "come on, how many times do I have to repeat this, why don't you get it, what's wrong with you, why are you not catching what I said, how many more times do I have to repeat myself?'
I did not voice this out aloud, but my tone changed and so my mum perceived my annoyance and said " if you asked me the same thing for 3 times I would not be impatient like you" to which I had to add 'you don't know that, right? Because I never make you repeat yourself soo many times', because obviously I had to have a come back line to prove I was right in my reaction as impatience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to having to repeat myself because someone did not catch what I meant to say the first time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the impatience of others when I asked to repeat something and for disliking the experience of feeling responsible for the impatience of another that I live in fear of asking someone to 'repeat themselves'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself within a negative polarity if someone doesn't catch what I said the first time, because if I had communicated effectively they would have, should have, which I perceive and judge as me not being effective at communicating which makes me feel bad about myself and desire to blame it on another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the backchat 'why don't you understand what I said, how many times I have to repeat myself' as the Character 'don't make me repeat myself', instead of just breathing, stopping the backchat and looking at why she did not understand what I said and how could I deliver the information she was seeking in another way until she got it, without having to make a fuss out of it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is normal to be impatient when I have to repeat myself because grown ups do it to children, they did it to me, and so now that I am a grown up it is my turn to be impatient with those that make me repeat myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for faults in another that asks me to 'repeat myself' because I judge myself as not having been effective, move into the negative experience of myself and then see for the shift through blame to restore myself into the 'positive experience of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ones that don't get an information at the first go as 'slow and stupid' and for judging myself as 'slow and stupid when I have not understood something at the first go
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to the ones that have to ask 'sorry, can you repeat', because in that moment I move into comparison and see myself having 'got it at the first go' as better and more than them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself when I do not get something at the first go, because I fear others will compare themselves to me and see themselves as superior, while it's me moving into the experience of inferiority in fear of judgement as self judgement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Time is Money and therefore when my Time is consumed by having to repeat myself I move into 'you are costing me' Character as Impatience, in which, since I am the one transferring the information I am the one losing within the transaction because I am both the more knowledgeable and the one 'wasting time' as my time is Not returning to me Money or a positive experience as the positive feedback of succesful transfer of information at the first go
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to step into the Impatience Character as I move into and as The Mind, evaluating time as Money as what I am losing within a transaction that is repeating itself for which I do not perceive myself being rewarded for
I forgive myself for accepting and alowing myself to desire to not address all of my reactions because some are small and I can deceive myself that I did not 'really' react, because it did not lead to a blow up, instead of seeing and realizing that I write daily for the purpose of supporting myself to address every and any reaction I have during the day, big or small, until I no longer react to anything in my world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that patience is something I can 'lose' as if patience is something that I have as an experience of myself in separation from myself, instead of seeing patience as who I am and living the word patience One and equal to me, within the simplicity of breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access this Character 3 times today, because I was not willing to acknowledge my first 'small' reaction and so I have to push myself to repeat and repeat until I get it, which is ironically what I am pissed about with my mum, as I am pissed with myself for 'having made myself repeat myself' because I did not get it the first time and just stopped it with and as Breath until I could apply Sf and write out my self Corrective application
When and as I see myself starting to get annoyed, about to get annoyed, on the step of annoyement for having to 'repeat myself' I stop and breathe, look at WHAT is it that I am repeating about myself that I did not get the first time around, Breathe to stabilize myself and do not allow myself to access the Character 'don't make me repeat myself' in the obnoxious patronizing stance and tone of voice this Character offers, instead I refrain from speaking, until I no longer see the reaction inside of me, to make sure I don't move into automatic Character Play but that I can stabilize myself and express myself outside of any energy movement
I commit myself to stop allowing and accepting myself to become 'annoyed' for repeaing myself as the Character 'don't make me repeat myself', especially with myself, since my mum was just showing me that I was in fact looping the same reaction point over and over, and that when I do catch myself repeating myself into the same reaction that I have NOT addressed and taken responsibility for, I stop, I breathe, bring myself back Here and Correct Myself in the moment so as to not have to board the stupidity loop of repeating myself again and again, until I get it.
I commit myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and common sense such as giving to another the attention and time required to communicate effectively without moving into energetic experiences as I see this is What is best for me and What is Best for All.