Sunday, December 30, 2012

Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership

It seemed romantic once. 
To think and say such things. Movies were full of them, the idea of ownership in and as Love, plus I come from a country where women are 'given away' in marriage, to symbolize the passage of ownership from father to husband. This was the reason why we didn't have a right to keep the maiden name either, because a property has to pass under the owner's name.

There are many things in our culture we don't even see, we just take them on board, they become normal, the exchange of the rings, the having the engagement ring given first, to say you have been booked, to emphasize that the process of ownership is underway, you are no longer free to fuck around basically, the engagement ring -engages a woman into a contract.

There are many other ways to say the same thing, I belong to you, will be yours forever, I won't be anybody else's but yours, it must be intended physically, because no one seems to have anything to say about the times they have sex with someone and think about someone else, so no one is after the ownership of someone else's mind, you can keep that one to yourself -have enough troubles with mine- so it's the ownership of the body, funny because everyone says how important the heart is, the soul is, and yet what we want to own of another is their body, we want to be sure no one else owns it, we put on it an exclusivity right, its safer, it makes us believe that it will last longer if one doesn't go around enjoying himself/herself with others least one gets to the point of comparison and we fall short on that.

So of course I have played this card many times, it goes with the 'I love yous' we say, its an extra flavour and dimension we add to it, we keep upping the stakes of the value we trade for a relationship, my love not enough? Have my body, take it, it's yours, forever.

When we take the time to look into our culture the ridiculousness of it all is impossible to miss, we make promises we can't keep, the body one is just one of many, how can we claim someone else's body or give away our own, where would we live then? How about when we go to work, do something not together, whose body is it then if not just mine and even during sex, whose body is it if not mine, if not me as the physical?

And yet we crave those declarations, they make us feel important, since we sold out everything, being owned by 'choice' seems not such a bad deal after all, I chose to give my body away...and how would that ever happen? HOW?

I have lived Love as ownership, trying to make people mine and be theirs, exchanging bodies on the meat market for value and a sense of security and ultimately, most important, to abdicate my responsibility for myself and give it to another, to the owner of my body, and then wondered why I lived like a Slave after choosing my Own Masters.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have memories of movies and books in which women said to a man 'I am yours' and to perceive an upliftement like if THAT was the point I should strive for, to be owned by someone, so since I did not own myself in full self responsibility, someone else would

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to own another so I could diminish the fear that I faced every time 'Love' came into the picture as something I had to now hang on to, feed, nurture and within this fear of losing what was never real I would create the desire to own someone so that the chances of losing them and the feelings I felt as positive feelings could last longer and be less threatened

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to own someone else and within this desire for ownership of another I forgive myself for supporting the whole master and slave relationship construct of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a high when I heard the words 'you are mine or I am yours' as if I had achieved something, as if owning someone of be owned added value to myself and the experience of myself because I was no longer alone and for fearing being alone to walk this physical experience believing I was not enough I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how good it would feel to hear the words 'you are mine - I am yours' as if that would be the arrival point of something, of love in its ultimate expression, without seeing realizing and understanding that anyone who wants to give themselves up in exchange for another is not whole and the foundation of such trade is fear and the belief of not being good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is whole until they find their twin soul, and for looking for my twin soul as an attempt to complete myself, to be appreciated, to be enough as I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would find him then I would experience myself differently and within this abdicating the responsibility of how I experienced myself at anytime to a chance meeting with a man to whom 'I could give myself'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out on all the symbolism of marriage and women 'given away' by fathers to another man as one of the point on which I built this belief that I don't own myself, that I am first "owned" and then "given away", which is why so much garbage came from the end of the relationship with my ex husband as I suddenly perceived myself 'not belonging to anyone' and therefore less than I was before when 'I did belong to someone'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest consequences for myself as a result of this 'Giveaway Character' that I played and resulted in me never feeling whole or worthy unless I belonged to someone and someone 'belonged to me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding I had just separated myself  into a Character in my Mind seeking for ownership and belonging as a point of worth and value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my separation into a 'not good enough character' expose myself to both external and internal manipulation in which anyone who would come and play this role would be welcomed as I would blind myself to looking if the potential relationship coming would be supportive for both me and another as an equal because I allowed myself to be driven by a Character in my Mind seeking ownership and belonging

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my desire/need to own another/belong to another live my times as a single woman as if I were lacking something, missing something, as if I were incomplete, idle, just waiting for the moment when I would own somebody/belong to somebody so I could go back to my patterns of Love/fear for another energy ride to feel alive and More than how I felt when not in an ownership/belonging relationship

When and as I see myself wanting to elicit the words 'I am yours' from another or to speak the words 'I am yours' to another, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, see realize and understand I am walking a Character and that if I do, whatever I create won't be real because a Character can't create anything real, as when I am in Character I am not being Here, self directive in and as breath and thus I am not real

When and as I see myself longing or moving into the longing of owning someone or belonging to someone, I stop and breathe, see realize and understand that this is not Love but ownership, just a program I run when and as I move into fear, instead I investigate what do I fear so I can release myself from this programming once and for all

I commit myself to correct myself every time I see I am about to walk into this Character of ownership/belonging or I see myself react to trigger words of the ownership/belonging Character, until I can stand stable in and as breath here in and as the physical for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

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Saturday, December 29, 2012

Day 229: The Memories of The Way We Were

Christmas Day: already uneasy with myself for having caved in to the red Christmas tablecloth and a Santa that lit up that my mother brought from one of her markets hunts. 
Not that I have not made myself heard about Christmas but this year unlike last year when I went through a 'give it all away frenzy' and 'no fucking Christmas deco in this house' I did not feel like fighting it and maybe fighting Christmas it's not even the point but the milking it, the 'Merry Christmases' said to strangers for that moment of delusive 'shared goodness' something I have always enjoyed about Christmas day, a day of 'Hope' for Humanity, that we would take that chance to change, to realize our inherent 'goodness' and while we sat feeling lucky and giving a fleeting thought to the unlucky ones in the world, we could have our cake and it it too.
So I bought presents this year, nothing useless, all useful things for a bunch of people I interact with, mainly clothes, my mum had a moment about what to give to our neighbors for which I felt irritation, I had already solved that point within me, my suggestion was 'NOTHING' because I had built up credits this year with them through what I gave them and the massages I gave to both so I did not feel I HAD to give something, while she did and she battled the thought of just giving a bottle of wine I had at home, it was not enough to 'look good' in their eyes and we had to add some dried fruits to make up the imaginary gap between the value of the wine bottle and an acceptable monetary figure to express 'the value' of the 'relationship' we don't even have.
Basically I was quite disappointed at myself as Christmas turned out just like Love, something I was not ready to let go due to the 'Joy Factor' that is inbuilt into both.

So when my ex Love's cousin sent the Christmas wishes on FB on behalf of my ex, I reciprocated and sent my number to take him off this loop as an intermediary, the middle man between two long lost lovers.

My phone rang a few times before I answered it, first time I ignored it as we were having our lunch, the next times it rang while I went down to buy cigarettes with my friend and my mum tried to reply but she said 'there was someone saying 'Hello Hello' and they could not hear each other. I knew it was him.

When the phone rang again I took it to my bedroom and finally answered, we chatted for about 10 minutes, what I noticed was that when he said he couldn't really recognize my voice, that it was 'different' I went searching for my 'then voice' but could not find it, I wished I could have been that woman again, that girl he liked so much and longed for.

On the same point there is my digging for memories that has been going on since this contact took place, I feel ashamed that I can't bring everything back as if the value of relationships is in fact logged into images and how many I successfully manage to file away for later use, even though I have proved to myself not only that memories can't be trusted to tell a story but that basically I filed only the ones that supported me into special characters and definition of myself and others I wished to hang on to.

So it's not hard to see why this specific filing is missing so many tassels, I have already worked it out, it's because once he told me 'NO' when I went looking for him again, I filed this point as a rejection and no one holds up a candle to a rejection or better, no one of my personalities does, hence I deleted the files, something I did not succeed to do with my ex husband for example, whose file I had to delete one frame at the time, one passage at the time, because it had accumulated into something of apparent worth and value that I held on to because 'you never know' I might have the need to revisit it to beat myself up about it, as in that case too, I did not file the whole story, but just the 'bad side of me' as if I had already come to that conclusion about myself, that I was beyond repair and I had to keep the records to prove it to myself if I ever came to doubt it.

This brings up a memory of the first time I was sent to summer camp, basically the first time I was away from my mother for a prolonged period of time and how I would lie in bed at night trying to bring up her face and how I discovered in horror that a few days after my arrival her face started to fade, a point for which I experienced much guilt and shame, because WHO in the world would forget her mother? And yet the image blurred as the day went past and I cried over it as if the picture fading was herself fading out of my life, as if the fact that I could not hold that picture as clear as when I was looking at her proved that I did not love her, that I did not care, why would I let her face go if I did?

So, holding on to memories became important for me as the definition of my relationships, and in this past week I tried to write out everything I remember about that first love and I was amazed to see how little it was, I mean I run away from home for this boy, spent one year in Ireland getting jobs here and there just to have the chance to spend time together, I was already 17, so where did all the memories go, why were they not relevant to keep, I can see why I almost completely deleted 'the second coming' but the first one whole year, come on, so every time a little memory would pop up I felt a sense of achievement, see, I CAN remember they are there somewhere, I'll dig them up, I will line them all filling the holes to see what happened and how this relationship shaped all the ones that followed.

Another thing took place, as I felt authorized by his highlighting how important I was, I moved into ownership and into an insane desire to question him about 'why if he only thought about me for 20 over years, he then went and had 2 children with another woman?', cos 1 child can be excused, it may have happened, but the second must have been a choice, so why did you, how dared you, couldn't you see into the future how this point alone would have complicated everything, why didn't you think about Us?
Note to Self -I was not even thinking about him for over 20 years if not occasionally and certainly I did not base any of my Life decisions on Him-

But I will unravel the Ownership point in another Blog because it's big and cultural and something that I realized I do like a Monkey, step into it and then travel on the tracks up to it's final destination: Insanity, and that point needs a correction all by itself.

Instead I will write out the SF for this point of memory digging and wanting to embody the past.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed at myself for how I handled Christmas day because I have been reading blogs about it and how everyone handled it and took what I saw and judged it as a militant stand against it and I did not see myself doing the same, and within comparison I judged myself as not devoted enough to the cause of changing myself or I would have said to everyone involved 'fuck Christmas'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up ideas of what is the best course of action regarding Christmas and how to live it based on things that I have read from others who have made different decisions than mine and in that feel inferior because I didn't do enough, instead of just going along with the day of which I did not make a big fuss about but just spent with family and friends, cooking a meal that was normal and where there was no waste or excesses to highlight that we had to 'overdo' the day due to 'traditions'.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to drag this disappointment at myself so far that I no longer felt like writing myself out because I would have to write this point out and look as well at what happened with my neighbors with which I felt fine not giving any gift because I had 'credits' while I blamed my mum for wanting to give her present an acceptable 'monetary value ' to reflect the value of a relationship that is not real, because I would have to look at all the Christmas pasts when I did just that and chose presents based on their monetary value or fun value so I would be accepted and liked for making people feel good on such a 'special day' and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build credits inside of me for what I do for others which is then invalidated by my book keeping because I don't do anything for nothing but to accumulate 'brownie points' that I can use once I have to make decisions on 'having to give or not' in a 'giving occasion' such as Christmas

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build up points of self judgement to the point that I move into the 'I no longer care' character as I convince myself that it's all just too much and that giving up Christmas and Love in one go is just ridiculous and not Human and something I will never be able to do because Christmas and Love ranked among my 5 most favorite things in the world and the ones that gave me the most 'joy' as an experience of an energy high and I resent having to give them up, whatever the cause

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel excited when I saw the missed call from Ireland and for moving into Fear when I finally heard his voice as I felt guilty that I had been unable to collate all the pieces of the past that he seemed to treasure so much and I wanted to level with him and have the same pictures to swap and chat about but I could not and for feeling guilty for the 'missing pictures in my file' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished because I have a log hole, such as being unable to recall the events of one year in a fluent logical sequence, which then makes me feel dishonest for Not having participated in the same way, putting in the same amount of time into remembering Us and who we were, for Not having paid the same attention to preserving my past and for judging myself as careless, superficial, unable to really love someone whenever a picture went missing from my files and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as a kid to believe that memory was important, valuable, a tool to define what was relevant in my life and for feeling bad when someone would say 'don't you remember?' as if I were faulty somehow that I could not remember and for judging myself as faulty because I did not file images and moments as efficiently as others I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, feel shame, guilt and despair when I realized I was losing the picture of my mum's face, that it was kind of dissolving and for fearing that I did not know how to preserve it and that it was my fault for 'damaging' this memory in some way due to me not loving my mother enough or having done something wrong that I could not figure out I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationships are measured in memories, holding on to the past as a proof of the worthiness of a relationship, instead of bringing myself here and seeing whatever relationship I face for what it is now and for who I am within it now, seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need memories when I am Here, as all of me is Here with me and Life and myself is not defined by pictures, images or moments in time but by who I am in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself seeking memories for a perceived 'added value' to the moment I live, I stop, breathe, bring myself back Here as I see realize and understand that I can only seek for more value when I am in and of the Mind because when I am Here in and as Breath I am enough and nothing needs to be added to make the moment or myself 'more'

When and as I see myself moving or about to move myself into diminishment and self judgement due to my inability to bring up a memory, I stop and breathe, remind myself that memories are flashcards of the past that I lived not as a self directed being and as such they carry nothing of value and I breathe myself back Here until I no longer feel the desire to seek value through memories and pictures

When and as I see myself seeking memories to work out a point, a moment, a decision I have to make, I stop and Breathe as I see realize and understand that a memory is a thought and a thought created and filed when I lived my preprogrammed life doesn't belong to me but to one of my characters/personalities and that I cannot learn or understand anything new through the eyes of a character because all my characters and personalities are a product and live in and as The Past

I commit myself to stop using memories and pictures to define myself and others and or past/present experiences and to, whenever I see myself looking for pictures for validation, value or as a tool for decision making, to stop bring myself back Here in and as Breath until I am stable again in and as the physical.

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Monday, December 24, 2012

Day 228: Gang Rapes and Violence, how is it working for you?

It's not working for me.
Last night I read the article about what is going on in Delhi and the demonstrations that have taken to the streets, I breathed through reading it but I could feel the Rage, I'm sick and tired of this world of violence and I am especially reactive to blatant acts of abuse against women, I have been beaten once in my life and all the beliefs I had about standing up and giving him some, pow pow, a good uppercut, kick in the balls etc, flew out of the window at the first slap he gave me which made me fly over the bed and in a moment I realized how much bullshit we hold in our minds about reality and who we are, would be in a situation we have never faced, gotta live it to know it.
I should be equally outraged for all violence and learn to breathe through it all because we have a lot coming still before we can put some common sense in out little heads that this is no way to live, but violence against women and Rapes still hits a chord, it's the point that we are not a match in strength, I know for a fact, that makes me angry and brings up the same anger I felt for myself when I got beaten up, as if it was my fault that I did not see it coming and how I let myself down, not being the hero I imagined I was and would be.
So thoughts of how to harm those people came up, they must PAY, we don't have an Equal Money System for reeducation yet, an Eye for an Eye seemed to work quite fine within my mind last night, get them, hang them, obliterate them, whatever, just delete them from existence. Make an example out of them.
I woke up this morning and the Delhi incident was still in my Mind, so here I am writing about it to clear some of the fog and the suppressed and poorly disguised rage.

I have been to India a few years ago on a trip to an Ayurvedic centre, down in the southern province of Kerala, I was told to bring conservative clothes, and in my mind I chose the most conservative clothes I had, jeans and tee shirts, no skirts or sleeveless tops, but on my arrival I was told that 'I couldn't go out dressed that way', because it was not about how much skin you show, it's the shape, the shape is enough to arouse men, the resort owners assigned me a bodyguard to walk to the shops after my first outing on a bike turned out to be quite a stressful experience as men surrounded me in flocks and asked 'Please, what's your name?' in a choir of indistinguishable scary voices and I feared for my safety.
In 2 days I already hated being there, I was told I could not rent a car and drive around -Lady, you are not in London-, that I would have to have a driver AND a chaperon to guarantee for MY behaviour, the chaperon to guarantee I was not fucking the driver at any time, it was for my own reputation -please understand-.

I adapted and wore the traditional Indian attire of trousers and a long dress on top, long sleeved, I only took baths in the resort in a one piece white swimming suit, we were on the border of a lake so dirty that my swimming suit was never white again but a hue of slimy grey, who knows what they threw in the lake, who cared as well, in a country where the levels of poverty are so high it's hard to not notice.
The Patriarch of the place where I staid was a Muslim gentleman, his granddaughter asked me to teach her to swim and I said fine, but the grandfather said "ONLY in her dress", she would never be allowed in a swimming suit, I declined the teaching as I told him no one can learn to swim in a lake where the water is 'heavier' than sea water and doesn't help buoyancy in a long dress that when wet would weight more than her body weight, to which he replied that then it was a no go, no decent Indian woman would wear a swimming suit, this was the reason why there was no Indian Female Olympic teams, until that day I never noticed.

I am Italian, no one is possibly more famous than Italian men for bothering women, but it was not even close to what I experienced in India, the ganging up was especially unsettling, on my arrival the son of the patriarch as he walked me into my room and put my bags down, closed the door and pushed me against the wall and tried to kiss me, it took me a moment to realize What he was trying to do my mind lacked any reference to such behaviour and I could not read his intentions until I was against the wall and had to fight him off, I told him I would tell his Father and he better never come close to me again, his reply was to not act so 'innocent', that he lived in Dubai for 2 years and watched lots of 'Blue Movies' and he KNEW, for a FACT, that THIS was what Western women wanted, ALL OF THEM.

I am not sure if there is something going on between the culture of suppression/repression and those sexual assaults in India, what I know is that the whole culture is geared toward teaching women to Not Get Raped, as IF, as IF it was in their hands, because any excuse would do, 'you looked at me, you had your hair down, your ankle was showing,' basically quite plainly 'you wanted it'.

As I come myself from a culture of repression in which men's behavior is mostly justified, a blatant example was in 2008 when a 15 years old girl was gang raped by 8 boys, ranging from 15 to 23 years of age, in a village and the major put up the money for the boys' defense until Italy's women took to the streets and forced him to withdraw his offer under public outrage. But the interviews that followed to the elder women of the village talked about how this girl 'deserved it' how she was not a good girl because she had already had sex prior to this incident -whore- that was consensual though did not make a difference, she had already been 'used', was not 'new' so to speak, and yet the women of the village stood up for the boys, all coming from good families, those things could happen to anybody, good boys overall, really,  gentlemen rapists.
The country divided on the issue which ended in no accountability for the boys, the village reaching out to them offering jobs and support, and the girl shunned and forgotten for having brought shame to the village, dirty clothes should be washed at home, how did she dare go public and turn this into a national case?
It was obviously her fault, she should have kept her mouth shut, where is HER decency?

This just to say that India has just been brought to the limelight in the wake of the last recent event, as women felt a line had been crossed when a woman who had to be operated and her intestines had to be removed due to the ferocious attack and penetration with rods, should not go unpunished.

I am enraged, as a woman and as a member of this society, where sex has turned into just another weapon to harm, diminish, overpower, humiliate each other and it is not about sex anymore because it's all a gender Mind Game that we are playing for an apparent supremacy, looking at who can do the most harm and get away with it and we go back to what we teach to women, to not get raped, to not expose themselves to this risk, to keep their place, cover up, walk unattractively possibly loop sided, cover the hairs, the ankles, the arms, do what you have to do to not arouse men, even though nobody knows for certain how THAT happens since any man has its own kinks, as no one wants to take responsibility for what goes on in our individual minds that justify such acts, that justify the gentlemen rapists who had the misfortune to find themselves in such situations and not ask ourselves why and how we breed these people and then defend them because if we didn't we'd have to ask ourselves tough questions about what are we doing, how are we educating children and young boys to hatred, because Rape is an act of hatred and not a sexual act, and we must stop excusing our hatred and our desire to harm each other, take a good hard look at what we have become and STOP.

This world is not working, it will continue this way unless the whole system changes, women have done  enough being victims, when I read that women in Delhi celebrated their being recognized as Victims I wondered if we even understand what that means, as while we win our right to our own victim-hood we accept that this will go on, as Victims need Abusers to exist, instead of standing up to no longer be victims, choosing a system that supports Life and that it will make sure everyone will be reeducated into supporting each other to crate a New World, where violence ends for good and that will only be possible within a system of accountability, which is not Capitalism as the abdication of our self responsibility, but a system of Equals standing as self responsibility for what goes on inside of us that spills over in our World and in tragedies such as this.

So, to the Women of this world, stand up, we are victims of our own acceptances and allowances, we don't have to live this way, asking 'off with their heads' after crimes have been committed is too late, no one will give the intestines back to the last girl that was attacked, some consequences are irreversible and we have to live with them until we say til here no further and stand for a Global Change.

And to the men of this World, the rapists, the gentlemen rapists, the rapist in denial, the women beaters, the ones who think to throw acid on women's faces or have already done so, pull yourselves together, this is no way to live, no one can have self respect that harms others because we are One and what we do to another we do to ourselves, it's time to STOP, get help, support yourself to stop the Self Hatred, the Hatred, we Can Change one breath at the time.

Prevention is the Best Cure, check out Equal Money for a world of Equals to put an end to all violence and all crimes of Hatred once and for all so we may create a world that works for All and manifest Heaven on earth for everyone, instead of this sorry excuse for an existence we have to endure each and every day. 
SAY STOP by casting your Vote for Life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the Delhi incident as if it was more or less important than any of the violence that goes on every day in the world, just because I am a woman

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel righteously outraged and for indulging in the desire to harm the perpetrators just as much as the harm they have inflicted on this girl whose intestines had to be removed as a consequence of their gang raping her

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself for when I did not stand up for myself, victimizing myself into a position of worthlessness for not having been able to defend myself and for harboring hatred for men who harm women because we are not even in strength and they abuse the physical advantage that they have and for this hatred I held on to, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that violent men are a product of our violent society and that we are walking the consequences of what we sowed and that the whole world will have to change for us to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all and all hatred be forsaken as we learn to forgive ourselves and each other for what we have done against Life in our pursuit of self interest and self gratification, no matter what

I commit myself to, when I read news about violence against women, to stop and breathe, do not participate in reactions that underline our victimization but to learn to stand as a stable point in and as Breathe as Change will only come for All as we move beyond reactions through forgiveness of our past, our own and and each other's abuses, to create a world that works for All and supports Life and all Living beings in all its forms.

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Saturday, December 22, 2012

Day 227: Love IS Fear, make no Mistakes.

I am spending lots of time with my student who is 18 years old, some days up to 7 hours, and today the topic of Love came up following the documentary 'The Trap' that we were watching together for his listening skills.

A few interesting things happened as we watched psychologists trying to delve into the Human Mind, one was that he became uncomfortable and said 'I don't see the point of doing all this digging instead of accepting we'll never be perfect because it's just Human Nature'.

Our chat started on these lines, it's interesting that lately we have spent lots of time together, hours for which I don't charge him because we don't just do English but end up chatting away about his life and what he is going through as he has been lonely lately and at odds with himself and since he enjoys staying here I am assuming this is where I need to be as physical support to someone as one with me, as I would like to receive it, would have liked to receive it, when I was growing up in confusion and turmoil at his same age.

On this point of not charging him today my mum made a joke about how 'clever' he is to get "therapy" for free and how 'silly ' I am to give my time for free, because time is Money and the fact that I am not suspending a Money related activity to support him but just diverting time I would spend on the Internet NOT making money, it's still a nagging point, such is life and how we have come to monetize everything we do with each other, for each other, how uncool is that?

Those chats are of great assistance for me as well, as I notice how I either cruise now through a past potential reaction trigger unfazed or I feel the slight reaction coming up, which happened today.

The reaction was about Love, as I said he is a student of classical studies and so by his 18 year of age he has already solidified an opinion about Love, from classical writings such as Greek tragedies of Gods and Goddesses, or books and movies about what Love is and, due to how we keep passing on our own demented views of the world to children, he lost quite a bit of common sense thanks to system and family indoctrination, a spice of religion and adding to this lot, our 'Love' Culture as Italians, the end result doesn't turn the topic into an easy one.

I offered the question 'Is Love Fear?', as we looked at the dynamics of the documentary 'The Trap' that sent him into reactions, which was specifically the point were Family dynamics were questioned as secret Mind games for Power and Control and so we went looking at how love manifests within family relationships, the biggest point that came up in our interaction was not the denial of Love as fear, but the acceptance that Love without FEAR wouldn't be Love somehow, because how do parents demonstrate their Love for their children unless they insist on warnings and worries, how would the children KNOW they are loved?

The second point was 'Can Love be defined objectively?" such as a glass, we may like it or not but a glass is a glass and we may come to an agreement on its definition, a thing that we cannot do about Love since is a subjective make belief experience which usually is best described with 'I can't explain'.

I found this image on Internet as I looked for a picture for the Blog, what stroke me was how I have never experienced Love as it is represented on the Left but in my Mind alone, in fact even this past week when 'Love' came back up in my life as a possibility, so to speak, the first thing I felt was excitement, which is what we connect with Love in fact, but on further digging in self honesty, the excitement was nothing more than Fear, I moved into the fear that I would allow myself to fuck with myself about it and as I have taken off the pink glasses, quite frankly, there was nothing cool or exciting about it, the excitement was a friction I experienced, I felt tense and not relaxed as the chart says and looking back I always mistook this 'tension' for excitement as a 'positive experience' as Love, when in fact I was living most of what is written on the above table on the right, trying to control myself, self judgement, trying to be better than, as in competing for that special place and then when all else failed, destroy it all. 
So the only true thing I saw from this chart is, that on the left there is what we Imagine and like to believe 'Love Is', but it's non physical but Spiritual AKA Mental and then when we try and drag that mental experience in the physical we are left with the truth of how much the experience of Love is about Fear, because in the seeking of Love I am already in separation, in self judgement, in competition as I turn this 'thing as an experience that I must have' into just another Consumerism product I must have access to, hence I build up tension to get there, to get what is not available for all, to get what I must strive for, reach for and as I move away from Me and increase the Gap, the friction I experience increases and the dream is never delivered, Love is basically, in one word and in its best form, Eternally ELUSIVE, it's not meant to be lived but longed for, desired, craved, because when it moves from the Mental (spiritual) to the Physical, the construct doesn't Hold and everything breaks in one million tiny pieces beyond repair.

As I walk those points of 'Love' for myself and what it meant in my Life, and as I realize that unless Love has a physical application of support where the participants are both improved, expanded and have chances to grow and self realize as Life, then Love is really nothing at all, but a self serving Mind/Emotional game.

My point of reaction was when he told me 'You hold a negative view about love and that such a pessimistic view would be something I would rather never embrace - no matter the reality of it' and as he spoke those lines I perceived myself drifting away looking to justify my negative/bleak view on Love because I perceived the departing from my culture to such a point that I felt diminished and went into fear of judgement as a lunatic and, interestingly, as someone not in touch with 'reality'. 
What was cool was that I did not do that, as justifying why I am not negative, as I saw and realized in the moment that those were my own judgements and fears, but stuck to the physical practical explanation of the application of love as support, as an unconditional presence as something that is tangible and takes place in physical reality vs what goes on in our minds where we don't even require another to participate or even worse, we resent another participating and standing in the way of our 'loving feelings' even when they are the apparent reason for them and we could come to a mutual understanding that didn't leave uncomfortability as misunderstandings as I avoided pushing for my own knowledge to be driven home but stuck to what I have self realized as I walk this point.

In this I assisted myself with what Bernard once said, that humbleness is to set aside your desire to be right or to tell someone they are wrong because you see in that moment that your support to them is more important than making a point, and this was a cool example I lived today for myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to what my mother said about time and money, not because of what she said, but because I myself had gone into my Mind evaluating the point that I spend so much time with this boy for which I am not rewarded, but since I did not like this thought to be me thinking such things, I suppressed it and denied, only to have my mother say it our loud and then feel pissed at her, wondering why did she have to mention that since then I would have to look at that point and take responsibility for how I have monetized everything about myself and this existence to the point that I equate my time with money, no matter the fact that I am not in fact 'losing money' but still my time has a Money value I have assigned to it since I was working and since I  have been asked to give my time for money when I was a young kid to help around the house, and for feeling ashamed that I have accepted and allowed myself to live time equal to money and as such live a system of credit and debits relative to the time I give 'freely' to others I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum made that joke and I felt stupid and silly for NOT charging for my time, to reply that I had been given a Christmas cake, which of course just added fuel to the already compounded suppressed thoughts and my desire to believe I am not such a person to monetize everything I do, and for desiring to justify myself so I would stop the self judgement of myself as silly, not business minded enough, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my students overstays, catch myself going into my mind calculating my time x money equation and then, instead of dealing with why this thoughts come up, pop up just because I feel ashamed of them, suppress them as if they were not my thoughts and then justify them as in 'everyone's gotta make a living' when in fact I am just trying to stop the shame without correcting the point, and for feeling ashamed of myself for what I have become relative to Money and Time I forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of others of me as a lunatic out of touch with reality for walking myself out of the Love Construct as if I lost something of myself that I can never get back, and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I in fact fear my own self judgement as having done a terrible thing, having betrayed my 'loving' Culture for Life, because this is the premise of a CULT, to not allow the space for anyone to move out of it and as I am practicing self correcting myself on this point I have activated the CULT defense mechanism to make sure I don't change as I fear who will I be if I will give up the chance to Love and be Loved forever

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my student said basically that 'I am sad' to react within with a sense of diminishment, wanting to justify and explain why I am NOT sad as in a sad old lost soul who has given up all dreams such as 'Love' to get real and what's the point of it, who was I harming with a bit of Love, instead of seeing and realizing that I still resist the complete let go of this construct as I fear having to face the LOSS of such a big important part of my Life that I have used to define myself and to separate myself from others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to see the similarities between my feelings of "Love' and my feelings of 'FEAR' because when and if I did, this game would be over for good and since I defined myself with lines such as 'you are nobody til somebody loves you' you are my everything, my life, my soul' then I feared that I would have to face the nothingness of me beyond my chance to be loved/love again, because I did give up the loving, but not the hoping and for hoping that Love would rescue me from myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live Love in and as fear, fearing to lose the excitement, the perceived More-ness of me as the experience I lived when I did allow myself to move into this construct I have myself created, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Love can only be Real when it's me as Love including everything as Life, and not an 'experience' of energy as a positive/negative experience, but a stable physical application of myself to give as I would like to receive and to push myself beyond my limitations such as mind constructs to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All.

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Thursday, December 20, 2012

Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.

This is a follow up to my yesterday's Blog: "Can't get enough of Your Love, Babe..Joke!"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was the most important thing, more important than me as Life and within this belief, for enslaving myself to an idea of 'Love' according to my culture, as taught by my family and supported by society through movies and books

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that without Love I was nothing and as such I lived in Hope to be loved as appreciation as a confirmation of my existence and the value of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated by men who told me, wrote me, whispered, hinted, implied that they loved me as I wanted to believe in what I knew was not true, not real, because it had no relation with their behavior or physical reality but I needed that love to feel complete, important, fit into society as I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could only be 'somebody' if someone loved me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react when my ex came back on the scene and I willingly, deliberately played the old games using memories to try and bring the past back to life, so I could feel wanted, important, desired and as such give myself the value from which I have separated myself from as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fly off searching for memories of a 'love' that took place over 20 years ago to fan those feelings and emotions, seeking for ways to bring back those feelings that I once felt and believed were only possible because another person was in my life, completing me, when in fact I was the one generating those feelings at all time, which I now see and realize as I see that I loved most when my partners were Not around to spoil my Love fantasy and how I enjoyed it in my mind alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I could not feel those feelings even when solicited to go there, even when I solicited myself to search for them to ignite them and for feeling a sense of loss at something that I will never experience again I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the word Love, as I knew I kept myself under this spell, chained to this word as a willing slave, just like my mother did while I pitied her and felt disgusted by how much of herself she gave up to tag along after a man just to turn up the suppressed version of her and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fail to notice that Love can never be real when it is not physically lived as support, as sharing and intimacy developed between two partners in an agreement of sticking together so that they may both expand together, work on their points of self limitation until both release themselves from the chains of ideas, beliefs, cultural imprinting, opinions and hopes of what Love should be like, as any definition of a word in separation from Self is just a dead word and not a Living word expressing as Self in all its potential, and for separating myself from the word Love into ideas, beliefs, definitions, hopes and opinions, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love is a feeling and as such the most important thing in the world, failing to see that a feeling is insubstantial, unreal and has no power in the physical world of any kind and that there is only one real thing and that is the physical existing as the point beyond definitions and that to live Love in and as the physical an equalization into the physical of Love as Self is required to make it real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to self abuse in the name of love, through emotions and feelings, thoughts, imagination, dreams, hopes and desires, making my separation with Love as a living word as myself wider with any energetic step I took in an attempt to live it out energetically instead than physically and within this for seeking experiences of energy so I could live this experience as a feeling and then as an emotion as Love rolled into fear and back into love in a never ending loop of dis-ease that was not best for me or best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be willing to live crappy situations in the name of Love as I hoped to be paid back, enslaving myself and others within a debt/credit system that I deliberately created to cash in with Love so I could get to feel more than what I am, here in and as the simplicity of breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Imagine myself living a Love Story that would bring resolution to my life, that would make me feel complete because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not complete as underlined by sayings such as 'my other half, my better half' which in itself is scary as if I am looking for my better half, am I myself the Worse half of the whole and if I am not whole seeking for my other half, am I just the WORST, waiting for the Best as another?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as half, incomplete, needing Love to have it all, when in fact when I did get my hands on this 'Elusive' Love, nothing changed if not the temporary high I experienced which was mainly connected to sex hence again proving that nothing ethereal such as Love has any relevance in reality until we make it physical, we experience it physically, as Love only benefits the one manufacturing the 'Love feeling' for his/her own benefit, and nobody else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use memories as milestone of moments when I can 'remember' having loved someone, when in fact what I felt was the high, the positive experience that I lived in separation from myself as I valued the experience itself above myself as Life and within this separation ended up creating ideas, beliefs and opinions about Love that now exist as definitions with a life of their own and in the way of myself expressing myself as Love as Self Love and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of the Love train, fear that if I don't board it 'one last time' I'll never get to experience it again and this in the face of having realized the illusory nature of love and yet at the same time feeding the dream as I have not yet willed myself to get off this delusion for good as I fear the loss of such a big piece of myself as the Slave for Love

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'when a Love is real a woman would/should abandon everything and follow 'her' man' cos that's exactly what I did, twice, reducing my Life to an intermission in between Imaginary Great Loves living out the Anna Karenina Character in real life, always disappointed at my partner who never did enough to match what I perceived as my Great sacrifices, which in fact were only self dishonest, self scripted plots in search for my own value and purpose

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in my relationships within the fear that if I was not the woman's of a man's dreams, he would stop giving me that Love that I craved and needed to define myself and for having defined myself as more when 'loved' than when 'not loved' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that a feeling that someone feels independently from anyone else and is self created and as such has nothing to do with me/others, could define me or others as more or less and that I had to toe a line as the source of the Love feeling when in fact if a man felt 'loving feelings' for me or not had nothing to do with me at all and viceversa

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of Love as an Idea, concept, belief because I failed to realize that it was never about Love but it was caused by my own created and imposed definition of myself as worthy/not worthy as Loved/Unloved by other Beings that I held this fear in place as I feared my diminishment and losing my chance to feel 'more' because I believed who I am was not enough/good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that only when one is loved is 'good enough' and that all the 'good enough' people are out there loved by someone and within this for holding a secret desire to find this love, the real one, failing to see the real Love is Not a feeling, but is the Love of Self as Life, of All as Life and that only in such Love the Fear of Love/as Love no longer exists as Self realigns with Love as Self expression for what is best for Self and All of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself sliding back into habits such as seeking memories/ imagining future love moments/ trying to activate myself into the Love delusion, I stop, breathe, look at the points where I fear to not be good enough that make me desire to 'be loved' and breathe myself back here to correct myself and let go of my past behaviors for good

I commit myself to become self honest regarding Love, as I see realize and understand I have invested much of myself in this Fairy Tale and I will have to walk out of it peeling all of the layers of my imprinted beliefs, behaviors, ideas and opinions about love, until I am no longer reactive or a slave for love that can be manipulated and self manipulated into reactions of emotions and feelings

I commit myself to flag this point of Love for myself and to take all upcoming occasions to dig into the point until I no longer catch myself drifting away or desiring to drift away on those specific points, as I require to bring myself Here to stop my participation in fantasies to correct myself into a self responsible, self honest human being, for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One

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