Day 346: Parenthood and Corporal Punishment - Scarring/Scaring Tin Soldiers to Death

As I wrote my blog yesterday I was amazed at how many memories I have of Corporal Punishment, even though I was never inflicted the kind of corporal punishment some of my friends had to go through, which left them with blue hand marks on their arms or tied to the table legs in a dining room that had blood marks on the walls from their heads smashed against it.

My mother used to just mainly slap me in the face, hard, I remember specifically the aftertaste feeling of humiliation immediately suppressed and followed by huge waves of hatred and desire for retaliation.

In my experience nothing compared to that feeling, it was intense, I can still recall it vividly as I write.

I am not sure what parents are going for when they hit their children, what I found out among parents with a 'fast hand' is that they excuse their behavior because they opted to do it LESS than it was done to them, this point seems to bring home the desired justification that it's all right, they survived Much Worse and they 'turned out alright' and so you should be what, grateful?

In my neighborhood, a poor neighborhood where parents worked like dogs, corporal punishment was the order of the day, we could hear children screaming and the beatings going on from my balcony as we shared a common courtyard, I have lost touch with many of my childhood friends, the last time I saw them, none of them had turned out as an overachiever, I guess I became one out of my desire to move on, to move out, the fear of having to go under the rule of my mother ever again was so intense that I shone at every job I did, I developed an extensive attention for details in fear of retort ion, of having to face humiliation ever again in my life, my life became a striving for perfection so that I would safely move beyond that lurking danger, the potential for humiliation in any way, shape or form.

Since I am one odd case out of hundreds I can safely say that if parents hope that beatings will mold children into perfectionist or overachievers they are just wrong, I lived in a constant state of tension, when I finished any job I would review it in my mind meticulously, walking all the steps looking for any possible mistake I may have made before anyone else would/could find out about it.

Living with my mother had been hellish, I have once read about how governments and their secret agencies would pick kids to raise them for remote viewing in the military and I found that I fit the profile perfectly, the best kids were from homes like mine, with crazy schizophrenic parents, I developed the ability to see the invisible in my mother's mannerism and behavior, to hear the inaudible in her tone of voice, to see the one gesture out of place in a pattern to always be in the know about her being either on a normal or on a crazy day, so I could adjust myself accordingly, the invisible became visible to me, twitching eye lids, a specific shake in her hands, I was not aware of the sequence of thoughts but was aware of the accumulation signs, she always surprised me with her 'reasoning', she could go from something absolutely irrelevant, like me smiling while watching a movie and turn it into something about herself, something that she claimed I did to spite her, to provoke her, my life became a walking on eggshells in utmost constant -paranoid- awareness.

In my first jobs I became so good that the stress of keeping up with a zero mistake rate was so great that I could never shake it off, even when I went home and the only way I would stop the fear that I may have done something wrong was to numb myself with pot until the next day when I would wear my professional clothes and personality over the wreck I really was and go to work. I almost never missed out on a day of work, I never cut corners, I was the perfect corporate slave and I was willing to enslave others to the same Fear that drove me to perfection, because it worked.

Only many beatings after, one day I slapped my mother back, the ironic thing about that moment was the shock in her face, she became paralyzed and when she regained her voice it was just to tell me how That was inconceivable, how horrible I was, that it was a taboo to hit your parents back, that she had never hit her mother back -whom never hit her by the way except much later in life when she was off once on one of her crazy all-over-the-place ranting and grandma hit her to bring her back here-, normal kids never even thought about it, this specific point was raised many other times in the future when she tried to show me that I was in fact really bad, I even HIT her (she never used the word BACK, because that was Not the point, the point was that she was the only one with Legal Authority to Harm Me and I did not have any, by Law or by God, to try and stop it) what was wrong with me?

By that time though my life was already a mess, I lived on the edge of insanity in a Cirque du Soleil balancing act, I had run away from home at 17, jumped on a train and went to Ireland with the equivalent of 50 USD in my pocket, I cried for most of the trip but when i got there I found out that I could breathe again and when I came back to live with my mother again one year later, that was when I slapped her back during one of episodes while she unwisely insisted on saying 'you want to push me out of the window don't you and laughed while slapping me-, and I did want to, a thought even crossed my mind that unless I did throw her out of that window my misery would never end but I didn't, I just slapped her back instead, it was my 19th birthday, she left the room and came back to throw my bank saving booklet in my face and told me to leave, I took all my birthday flowers, packed my bags and left for real.

There were other issues after this, they escalated into physical violence only twice, once she threw me down the stairs with one of my Hong Kong colleagues following up, for raising the objection that for someone who had so much hatred for a mother that left her as a kid, she was no Snowwhite either, that DID not sit well with her, specifically because it brought up something that she did that she could never blame on me, no matter how hard she tried. 

Still abusive parents have to be told when it's enough, physical violence is a form of (mis) communication, it's the last resort out of frustration, it's empowering and rekindles the sense of ownership parents live in fear to lose - it's a hard one to give up, plus children develop all sorts of copying mechanism to square things out and grow up disfunctional adults as they accept abuse in the name of the 'Loving' Promise of a chance to Survive.

So, this is how we start the life of the children in the world, if they don't bend, we beat them into submission, because we can, because apparently we are their Parents, their Masters, their Owners, without seeing, realizing and understanding that we are just creating armies of submissive weaklings, of tin soldiers who will make Money their God, because after All it was Money that took them out of the Hell that FamiLies really are for the most part, and gave them the Independence and ''Free Choice' to continue Abuse themselves in the name of the Family Construct, because we Honor our Families and this is why we have not yet put an end to our Self Abuse inside and World Abuse outside.

A different Life is possible for All, it's a Lie that we have to learn through suffering or that the best lessons we had came through suffering, I don't remember one good lesson from my suffering if not that I should stop it and that I should never pass it on, but I believed I was scarred for Life, for sure I was scared before meeting Desteni, so much so that I would not allow myself to see that my story was a very common one, that the Abuses of our Parents end up in the Adults that Abuse and that we'll have to Parent Ourselves back into something decent to bring about a world that works for All - to not end up as the jailed/jailers of all others that cross our Path.

Bringing it all Back to Self - Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memories of my mother's beatings because that gave me a credit, something I could write on my side under all my apparent Wrongs while my mothers had all the Rights given to her by Money and her power to support me or not, and for failing to see, realize and understand that within holding on to my rights(eousness) within my relationship with my mother, I jailed her back instead of freeing myself and her from the past so that a new future beyond abuse could be created for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remember the physical sensation of being slapped in the face as humiliation, as a diminishment of myself at my mother's hands instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was not diminished by the beating, but by embracing humiliation as who I was, by believing that the action of my mother were related to me and not to her, by taking things personally as if I were personally faulty vs admitting that there was something not normal with my mother for fear of being the offspring of someone insane

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was one and equal to the feeling of humiliation that I hang on to when my mother hit at me because it made me feel righteous no matter the wrongs that my mother would come up with about me, and for provoking my mother to the point of beating me so I could at least be right about One Point, that she was Wrong about hitting me and within this develop a pattern in which I would push people to punish me when I would deliberately cross lines with my words, so they could be wrong too instead of me being the only wrong one within a relationship equation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the times when my mother beat me against her as a way to get my own Rights so I would even out with the Rights my mum held on me all the way apparently to deleting me from existence - and for suppressing the negative feelings I connected to those times instead of releasing myself from them, in fear I would no longer hold a credit, be a creditor and in that would become a debtor, because I saw that the world is based on Money and credits and debts and I decided I would not be on the Debtor side, I would make money so I could be on the Right side of this Polarity Equation and this is why I rose from the ashes of a perceived broken self just long enough to go out in the world and make money, to guarantee myself Immunity and buy myself the Rights that parents teach children they don't have and make them long for, until they long for Money as the God that gives the Rights in this existence and deletes All Wrongs

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my mother beating me because we were not the kind of family where beatings should take place as my mum was educated and played the piano and within this for believing I was one and equal to the shame of being beaten

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud about keeping my mouth shut about my mother's beatings because it gave me a leverage over her and proved I was better than her because even though she was crazy I covered up for her, which made me good while she was bad instead of seeing realizing and understanding I covered up with the same intent of accumulating credits and ammunition for when I would have to shoot her out of my life, for when I would bring up all her Wrongdoings and in one single swoop even out all my perceived wrongdoings until we would be squared and I would be out of her home

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something wrong with me when my mum would beat me and state that she knew it was not 'me' but the 'devil in me' asking me to do the things she did not approve of, and for splitting myself up in personalities that carefully selected what she approved of from the devilish ones, according to her desires, losing touch with my own accountability for my own actions that could be blamed on the devil first and then on the environment, on external forces and ultimately on my parents so I would not have to be accountable for my words, thoughts and deeds if I accepted the split my mother offered as an excuse, instead of learning about consequences within a timeline so I could make informed decisions about my behavior and the consequences I was willing to live

I forgive myself that I failed to see, realize and understand that I led myself from abuse to self abuse and from self abuse to World abuse through Money and my participation within it and within my unwillingness to see that unless we live in HarMony Money will do Harm and within this for not stopping myself and investigating why and how we gave Money the Power to Harm, so we could feel safe in the dysfunctional world we were born and become a part of

I commit myself to let go of all memories that are related to my mother's corporal punishment and to investigate if and where I am still invested in my own victim-hood, so I can release myself, take my power back and stand as a Self Responsible part of this world to become Part of the Solution for MySelf and All of Existence, Equal and One.

to be continued with how this intertwined with my participation within and as the World System.

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Day 174: Are you Dressed like a Whore? Shut Up and Die

At 7 am this morning I went down to buy cigarettes and passed my baker friend's shop (friend as in someone I know and see regularly) and she called me in.

There was a little drama unfolding which took me a few moments to place together, a young girl who was sitting on a stool was scared to death, trembling and saying 3 men tried to kidnap her but she jumped on a bus and got off where she saw some open shops to ask for help.

My friend was not nice to her, she was irritated and patronizing, somehow in my mind I could not put together the news of this situation of danger and my 'friend''s attitude, this girl explained that 3 men, Romanian, had been following her with 2 cars and 1 van, my friend asked me if I could hold the line with the police as she had to work, as the police did not reply and the line died off, I offered to walk her to the taxi stand but she was too scared to get out of the shop and said the men were outside on the other side of the street, which was in fact true, 3 men stood there were no shops and for no apparent reason looking in our direction while my friend was on the phone to the Police and asked me to hold the line, which I did.

Don't have an emergency in Italy, if you are on hold with the police for 20 minutes it's not an Emergency line, it's an 'answer at your earliest convenience line', we live in a system where everyone is out for themselves, we have not started buying guns just because we have not thought about it yet on a mass scale, but that is where we are heading, as the fears escalate so will the desire to protect oneself, no matter what, 'll shoot your brains out if I have to, welcome to the year 2012 on Planet Earth. If you are in danger you have got to be lucky to survive, if she had not found a shop open what would have been of her? Finally they picked up, I explained the story and they told me our area was, on Tuesdays, not patrolled by them and to call the 'Army' instead as it was their shift. I asked if they think to be an Emergency service or what, they said nothing we can do, so we started again the hold the line with the Army patrol, altogether it took us 30 minutes to speak to them, by that time the baker's husband took the line and told them 'just come out, will you? - we the weaklings have to be helped out, a man coming on the phone is more believable that women who are saying the exact same thing- 3 men are still waiting outside  -which was true- and there is a young girl scared for her life", the phone call went on for over 15 minutes as we had to 'convince' them of the gravity of the situation. My friend justified the police, they don't want to come out, there are so many crimes of these kind and then 'they discover the girls are involved in some sort of deal with the men they want to be saved from.

What is this supposed to mean, I don't care WHY we have to convince them to come out, there is a young girl scared shitless for her life, 3 men wait for her outside, they tried to attack her, why is THIS NOT enough?

My lady friend told her raising her voice 'look, don't bullshit me, did you know these men? how come you are out at 7 am, have you been out all night?" the girl said yes, she said she was out with a friend that she knew for a month and maybe this friend had arranged this little kidnap number. Slowly I realized my friend believed she was in with the men, that her story was made up, unclear, yes it was odd that she knew the guys were Romanian and that her phone rang and she did not pick up, the baker's husband told me one of the first questions of the police was 'How is she dressed?', when I first heard the question I thought it was funny, what do you mean, winter is coming is 7 am, what do you think, a pink tutu?

Then ALL pieces came together, my friend attitude, the police questioning, what they were really asking was 'is she dressed like a whore?', which was what my friend was implying as well, you looked for it, even though she was NOT "dressed like a whore", she had trousers and a jumper she could have been any 18 year old kid, she could have been her daughter EXCEPT that she would NOT allow her daughter to stay out the night with a man she barely knows, and so this made her a whore without the 'whore uniform', because there is a 'whore uniform', it's the one that will give a man a boner, that is THE WHORE Uniform par excellence and since I did not register 'the Uniform' I missed out on all the interactions that were going on about her right to not be raped or kidnapped or thrown onto the street by a racket, women have to earn that right, because let's face it, a WHORE is not as worthy as a NON WHORE, her Life doesn't hold the same value, we want to believe she enjoys what she does, WHORE, we don't care as much either because a WHORE reminds us of how we failed as a society, of how our system that doesn't support Life, supports prostitution on one hand, a porn industry that is creating more and more deviants, an oversexualized society, sex as the means to an end and the last resort of women who have no education and not a chance to tap into the Money System, just to shun it with the other as a social shame, something we don't want to be a part of, so let's clear this up, "Is she dressed like a Whore?", then she should just shut the fuck up and die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my friend when she was being nasty with this girl instead of helpful as I could not see she was reacting out of Fear to be involved with a prostitution ring and what that would imply for herself and her business and basically her own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Prostitutes are worth less than other women because they took 'the easy way into the money system' which is an Urban legend because fucking men you don't like and that bring to the bed all their distorted desires and sexual perversions, including violence  cannot be 'the easy way out' of anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated with this girl when it downed on me that she must have known the men, because saying they are Romanian, is not like saying they are Chinese, which is a visible physical trait, and we don't have Romanian plates for cars, so I realized she must have known the men and hence she was lying which meant she was involved in whatever was taking place and not being honest about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react inside when I realized this girl was hiding something, without realizing that she was not being honest about it because she feared the judgements we would make if she did honestly say what really happened and that this habit we have of judging each other and the fear of judgement we have is part of the reason why we have developed a society of liars as we have not investigated how to stop these fears and just out ourselves so we can face the problems we have as a society and work to fix them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitution is 'women's fault' because they are the Sellers and they are doing the Pandering as in the exploitation of Men's weaknesses, when in fact if we had a system in place that supported Life Equally and women from birth to death we would see that men would be left with their 'weaknesses' to sort out by themselves and the alleged 'pandering' would immediately end, proving the system failure and not the women's failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Prostitution to burning tires on the highway, where women made bonfires to display their goods and entice men like moths to the flame and for seeing in this the sole women's responsibility, because if there was no flame there would be no moths attracted to it and therefore it was clearly women's fault and they should carry the blame and the shame for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more and superior than a prostitute because I have not done the tires bonfires even though I have done the 'dressed like a whore' according to what men defined as 'dressed like a whore', such as in dress in a way to excite their fantasies and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that we are all prostituting to a system for Money and that the degree to which we become visible in HOW EXACTLY we do that only depends by how much money we have to cover up the whoring we do in every field of life and as such none of us is better or more than a prostitute and by no means any of our lives is worth more than the life of a prostitute

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that the reason why we take away voting rights to prostitutes that have been caught prostituting, is because we don't want them in our society as they are not worthy of representing themselves as part of it and part of the vices and depravetion we practice in secret and that we in fact FEAR to have prostitutes admitted to the society as members of it, which they are, just because that would be the admittance of out utter failure as a society to protect everyone and guarantee a dignified life for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the association with prostitutes and the problems that may arise from it, and for reacting today when the 3 men left after the police drove the girl home, driving away, honking their horns which I  interpreted as scorn, as to say, 'we'll get her next time' and for feeling that there is nothing we can do to correct this system until we stand up and declare that this has to stop, that Money and Profit has to be removed as the driving force of this world, because it has made life worthless and there is nothing we won't do to secure our place within a system of abuse even if that means abusing and harming others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitute are not like other women, because they are stained, dirty and their choices are inexcusable, instead of seeing that I feared what I would have done in their place if I too was born on the edge of a society where my only choice was to sell my body or die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted with the story of Jesus and the Magdalene, as if that story proved the greatness of Jesus that he could 'even forgive a prostitute for her sins', a prostitute, the scum of the earth, the worst of the worse, missing out the message of the parable, the message of Equality and of Self Forgiveness, were a prostitute that holds the blame and the shame of this utter failed system can release herself by stopping to believe in her own inferiority to stand as an Equal to everything and everyone in Existence

I commit myself to promote the Equal Money System as a solution to the Wrongs of this World, which include Prostitution as having to sell your body to make a living as a last resort, while I walk this correction as myself as the system, to stop all abuses within and without

I commit myself to stand as an example of a process of Self Correction to show that we don't have to live this way, that whatever role we have played, the abuser or the abused and/or both, we can stand up and self correct this sorry excuse of an existence into what is Best for All, as we land back on this Planet together to see what is REALLY going on, what we are REALLY participating in and accepting and allowing and that any girl that ends up on the street could be your daughter, your sister, your mother and if we don't like this as a choice for our Family, why isn't the World our family, why do we justify Prostitution as something that always existed, always was, the oldest trade of all times, instead of registering the point that 'shit, have we been having THIS PROBLEM' for such a long time and not looked for a solution to it? Let's get on with it !

I commit myself to walk my own Self Correction into the physical and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

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Day 152: The Untouchables & The Cougar

Among the jobs I have been trying out to make some money to support myself, one is therapeutic massage.

So far I had 3 men coming, one is my ex of 25 years ago, and one my caretaker and his friend.

My ex had warned me that the word 'massage' in Italy is loaded with double entendre because many ladies coming from poor countries and having to find a way to make a living have imported 'massage' as the /code word' for sex. Of course I took into no account what he said because I don't like this vision of the world where men ONLY think about sex, even when they have a crippling neck pain to fix, resorted to a make belief 'common sense' about needs (to fix a painful spot) over urges (sex) and went about my 'business'.

A few turn of events since then: the caretaker is 'fixed' but he told me that 'he likes me' I did not address the point as it came out as a joke that I could avoid to address, his friend felt that since I have touched his naked back he could ask me if I had lesbian experiences, the third one that I ventured on, the guy who is selling my home and told me he had a very bad pain in the back to which I replied 'if you want I can give you a massage', has disappeared and has been avoiding me consistently.

The last time he had a message for me he asked the secretary to call me, having read my 'give you a massage' as a cougar on the attack and trying to shy away from it.

This is My thought obviously which gave me a feeling of shame, so I went about trying to fix this because we had a nice relationship going and he would sometime come up for coffee, so I wrote him an sms to tell him something about a missed appointment and then wrote 'if you are advertising for me for therapeutic massage to men, stop, there is something flawed in the Italian men's mind when the word 'massage' comes up', trying to blame him for how I experienced myself as a cougar on the attack, he did not reply, which basically expanded the feeling that I was pathetic and made the situation worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face that we have a deep problem going on between men and women that leads to miscommunication that are sex laced even when we do not intend to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that if a man is oiled into a massage by a woman on his naked back, he may not be able to stop his sexual thoughts due to the oversexualized system we live in and that unless I take responsibility for the possible consequences of this happening, I should move on to doing something else instead of insisting that they 'do not do that thing they do in their mind and just 'control themselves'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and stupid because by offering a massage to this guy I believe I have exposed myself to be seen as a 'cougar on the attack' and for perceiving that I lost any credibility as a 'good woman' now that these unspoken thoughts have entered our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame men because everything that goes on between men and women turns into sex in their mind, instead of seeing and realizing we were all preprogrammed into an over-sexualized world and now we are walking the consequences of not having addressed the point that sex is always in the way of communication between men and women because we have done nothing to change the way we communicate with each other and come clean about these problems we have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended at how this guy reacted by disappearing and for taking it personally, instead of seeing and realizing he is trying to avoid a potential point of conflict that has arisen between us, due to me using the word 'massage' in a country where 'massage' has become synonymous with sex, just because I don't want to face the reality of how things are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because this guy is avoiding me, meaning that he is scared that I would make a pass at him as in sex, meaning he doesn't want to have sex with me and this makes me feel diminished as old and no longer attractive, even if having sex with him was in no way in my mind when I offered the massage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I believed I was the cause of having created this friction, situation of dis-ease, instead of just seeing I have misused a word without considering the consequences and I did not correct myself when I saw that when I spoke the word "massage", he went into immediate tension and uneasiness as we were drinking coffee together but I hoped it would go away when he would have time to 'think about it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a 'come back' at him, to blame him for what I believe is going on in his Mind on which I have no control, because I believe that the reason why I experience myself the way I feel has to do with what goes on in his Mind that I wanted to correct instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is what is going on in My Mind that I need to correct and STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this new character as 'The Therapeutic Masseuse' that believes to have "carte blanche" to cross over the cultural and gender problems we have, instead of seeing that a New Character cannot correct old beliefs, but I have to dig out what are the beliefs that separate us as Men and Women and take responsibility for my words and the consequences they create

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to belittle this guy by telling him 'there is something wrong in the Mind of Italian Men -you included-' so I can avoid to take responsibility for my words spoken out of the desire to expand my 'client' base and not in consideration of another as an Equal, having the same Equal problems that I have going on in my mind regarding relationship with men and hidden sexuality charges

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this play out because I want to only consider the point that I REALLY was not looking for sex and I have been misunderstood, instead of seeing my responsibility as the words I have spoken without consideration for the consequences they could have within the moment I shared with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not address this point when I perceived this guy had moved into a state of uncomfortability because I lacked the words to bring this point up and as he became uncomfortable I became ashamed and retreated in myself into the Character 'what kind of woman do you think I am?', such as a woman wanting sex out of context with a married guy much younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I went through this experience of myself through my own self judgement about 'the kind of woman I would like to be and be perceived as' such as NOT a woman molesting younger men for sex and that it is because I believe that this is what He thought about me that I built this all castle of cards that built up into my desire to rectify the situation just so I ended up feeling more pathetic than before I tried to manipulate my way out of how I felt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about 'what he thought about me' and for fearing 'his new judgement of me as a sex crazed cougar in disguise' and that based on this ass-umption I made in my mind I moved myself into an energetic reaction for which I did not want to take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for this energetic reaction because I wanted to insist on my innocence throughout this exchange which doesn't make me responsible in my mind 'because I am not the one who started it', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that who started doesn't matter and that I have to take care of my energetic reactions and participation in and as the Mind to correct myself to do my part to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to correct myself for each point in which I participate in and as an energetic reaction not allowing myself to justify myself with 'I did not start this' or "I Really didn't mean it the way they took it''

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving into a state of uncomfortability regarding a point, to stop, write myself out so as to not build up bullshit that I then act out on just so I keep the damage going in my clumsy attempts at 'damage control'

I commit myself to, when and as i see myself that something is bothering me, to not discount it because 'it's not my fault if someone took what I said the wrong way' but to investigate why am I reacting and taking personally someone else's reaction toward me and my words and to correct myself for my own reactions

I commit myself to, before I speak, consider the implications of the moment and the consequences of my words and the impact of my words on others, see that I am clear and only then speak, because words Matter and I commit myself to realign my words to become substantial and an expression of who I am and not the blabbering of consequence free characters made up by my own imagination. 

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Day 146: Judging Myself, the Hows and Whys - Morality

Since I am just switching Characters at the moment and far from alive yet, I can only be judging myself through a Character for the Characters I play.

So the judging Character is the Judge, which needs supporting Roles to go on his missions, the supporting Characters of my Judge are my Morality Character, my Compare and Compete Character, My Inferiority and Superiority play out Characters, these two just swap on a swing, they kinda live together.

One point that I saw today is that unless I compare and compete, I could never access judgement because judgement is by definition through comparison, so whatever stick I use to measure myself against, there is a measuring as comparison and competition going on, or there could never be self judgement or judgement

Self Judgement supported by my Morality Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace this world in polarity as what is right and what is wrong and for defining every information I take on board through the eyes of my previously accepted Morality definitions of right and wrong, which I have filed as information that I use to compare myself against, to assess if I am doing something 'right' or 'wrong' so I can determine which experience I have to embody that is consistent with my own judgement, if I believe I did something wrong I will align with feeling bad about myself as in guilt, shame and then blame to relieve myself of both and if I believe I did something right I will align with self righteousness, superiority and feeling good about myself and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to participate in the emotions of guilt and shame and the experience of self righteousness and superiority as it it was me as Who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that the Morality Code I use to Judge myself is a construct of my own making, because most of the Morality information have been passed on from generation to generation but I have been the one accepting them as True and aligning myself and my experience of living to my self defined Morality stick o that I could always assess if I am right or wrong and thereafter access the related emotions and feelings, in a closed loop that once I boarded I believed I was unable to step down from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a 'right and wrong' as I heard soo many times that we have to teach children 'right from wrong' as we make each other stupid and paralyzed into belief systems instead of teaching that Life is Equal and One and allow Common sense of Equality and Oneness to develop for each one without rules that can never fit every situation in life, as life is moving and every point has to be assessed for itself in self honesty for what would be Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'bad' when I believe I have done something wrong, according to my own accepted and allowed morality system, instead of seeing and realizing that self judgement is NOT in fact self correction and that when I see myself judging myself I have to stop, Breathe, assess in self honesty if what I did that is causing me to participate within self judgement is system wrong or was Not Best for All, if system wrong I need to find what I have stored as the original instruction in my right and wrong morality book and self correct to equalize myself to it, if it is Not Best for All, I can stand up forgive myself and correct myself to realign to what is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I judge myself as bad with the desire to justify myself because I don't like the way I experience myself when I believe I made a mistake, because I have this idea that 'good people' do not make such mistakes as the ones I make, and so I move into the judgement of me as a 'bad person' and from there I desire to, first justify myself and then see how can I share the blame or how can I blame in full someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to blame and sharing blame in fear of how I will experience myself if the Judge in me will Rule that I AM WRONG and BAD, as I believe that the wave of shame that I feel every time I make a mistake is just too much for me to endure and that I don't know how to stop that experience of myself, instead I can stop, breathe and return to the physical to stabilize myself and walk through the unpleasant experience to delete it with self forgiveness and self correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire as a kid that my little cousin would be blamed too, as I perceived there was blame on me in my family, which I believed was the cause of my feelings of guilt and shame, while his family looked at him like the apple of their eyes, and so I would throw his toys out of the balcony and then wait for the mother to come and get angry at him, because in my mind that way, I would see someone else being blamed and judged, and I could feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, due to the extensive self judgement I lived with, desire to see others being blamed and judged when I was a kid, and to feel a sense of elation when it was someone else and not me at the mercy of our Educators/Parents as I felt better about myself because among us all that could be judged and picked out, shamed ad made to feel guilty, it was not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was bad for holding secret desires as a kid to see other kids judged and condemned as wrong/bad so that I would not have to feel so bad about myself for my own self judgements and self condemnation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to teach kids the 'right and wrongs' of our ways that define what a Good person is all about, robbing the newly arrived on the planet of their chance for common sense in favour of a system of morality that defined the rights and wrongs of existence up to the minutest detail without any common sense but just so to make sure noone would ever challenge the system or they would be made to feel 'wrong and bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself through my Morality Character using memories as thoughts of other times in my life when I did better, spoke better, wrote better, within the sense of what is right and what is wrong, as I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken on memory lane by my Morality Character and shown moment of my Life where I was apparently a better person that I am now, so I would be able to compute how much I failed and fell into the cracks of my own mistakes as 'wrongs', when if I slow down I can see that most of the memories that come up in my Mind as my own bashing tool are manipulated and huge chunks of 'what really happened' are missing to fit the agenda of Each of my Characters while I just board the ride to self judgement as 'the way things are'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that all my self judgements based on 'Morality', come from a memory as a thought, in which I compare myself to what I am doing to what I SHOULD be doing if I were a good person -while I am not - and for failing to see that this System Morality always leads to the same place, to make sure that I do not change because the burden of self judgements as My Morality Code is just too big to shake off and that if in fact I am a good person I must LIVE with it, as the consequence of my life, words, thoughts and actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to escape my self judgement I have to do the Moral/Right thing, which is to judge myself for my wrong doing, because if I do not AT LEAST judge myself where is my goodness and my morality, instead of seeing and realizing that this self judgement is standing in the way of my change and that I must let go of my desire to be good as the Morality Character in fear of my own self judgement to be able to stand for what is best for All without restraints

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying self forgiveness to all the events in my Life that I see as the source and files that I use against myself when I step into the Judge Character because I have judged Self Forgiveness like Forgiveness as the 'Easy Way Out' of my perceived 'wrong doings' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Self Forgiveness is no Way Out and is not at all a Cop Out, it's just me giving myself another chance to stand in Oneness and Equality and stop the Self Abuse as Self Judgement as the point in which I feel like shit but I get to at least feel self righteous for judging myself mercilessly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge self forgiveness as the eraser that will lift me from my responsibility as consequence of my life, because within the Morality Character and the Moral Judge of myself this is not acceptable as I have judged responsibility for consequence as suffering and I have resisted giving up my suffering because then I won't be a good person anymore as I have embraced suffering as the Right Punishment bestowed on myself by my Judge Character in my desire to be Good and doing what is Right and Just

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate Justice with Punishment, because our World system promotes punishment as Justice instead of Self Correction, with the result that I have been punishing myself as I embraced the sentences of the court of my own Judge as myself as Guilty as Charged, and yet I failed to see that I was the one setting the Charges, the Judgements and the Punishments, and as such I can let it go because realigning myself to Oneness and Equality cannot come from my suffering and punishment but only through my Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some punishment in our Justice system are not harsh enough, because as I punished myself harshly for every mistake I believed I made or every wrong choice I believed took, so should the system, as leniency only shows weakness and as we know, spare the rod, spoil the child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my own self judgement as the punishment of myself for my careless life that I have judged as mostly 'wrong' through my Morality Character, instead of seeing and realizing I have been lost in a Character Play with other Characters and that correcting ourselves will come through unconditional self forgiveness first, because it' s only through remitting our sins that we can remit everyone's sins and this is how self forgiveness will work inward and outward until we live in a for-giving world for All and no longer in a for-getting world, where we forgot our self responsibility to our Self and all of Existence Equal and One

When and as I see myself attempting to, about to, or already making judgements about myself through my Morality Character, I Stop, Breathe, remind myself that I have seen how this plays out and why, breathe myself back Here into the Physical until I let go of the desire/need to judge myself

When and as I see myself attempting to, about to, or already making judgements about myself based on what is right and wrong, I stop, Breathe, investigate what beliefs/definitions am I holding regarding a particular point that I have charged negatively as in 'Wrong' or positively as in 'Right', so I can write it out to investigate its origin and correct myself through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application

When and as I see myself desiring to be right, fearing to be wrong and the judgement of myself as wrong, I stop, Breathe, look at what it is that I am fearing as my own potential self judgement, so I can release the fear and dig into my experience to find the origin of my judgements of 'potential wrong' and release it through Self forgiveness and self corrective application

I commit myself to stop my own self judgements as I see realize and understand that when I judge myself I actually believe I have done my part, as I have learnt from religion, that once I say 'I am wrong' I do feel devalued BUT I am now back to being Good and Right by my own admission of being wrong and bad, and that this is not effective to Correct myself until I in fact DO correct myself through self forgiveness and self corrective application AND Change myself in the physical

I commit myself to no longer participate in self judgements based on Morality in which I use one Character as support for another that can stand as a Judge to the actions, thought, words and deeds of my other Characters, but to consistently bring myself back Here To Stop this Character play Once and for All

I commit myself to flag myself for the self judgements of me that may come up automatically that I can identify through an emotion of guilt or shame, breathe, and investigate how and why I reacted so I can clear myself and equalize myself to my experiences to see where and how I need to change so I can script my correction to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

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Day 137: Step Back Dirty Lousy Kid

I don't know yet how this memory is connected to the 'Good Master' memory, yet after I wrote the blog the other day it kept popping up, from wayyyy back, an episode that I could hardly remember, amazingly so since it must have taken me extensive effort to suppress it for life and put it away somewhere well hidden within my filing system.

The memory is of when I went to summer camp and I got lice. I did not like to go to summer camps as I missed my mum and I did not like to interact with kids I did not know, which were all of them as I got to summer camp without knowing anybody at all.

Private Summer camps were a novelty in Italy, the Government ones were started by Mussolini, to allow parents without means to send their kids to the seaside on Government expense and lasted all the way throughout the seventies, until one lousy government after another kept taking money out of the till until there was nothing left for social policies.

My mum worked for General Electric, she was a happy slave there since GE provided an absolutely unheard of lifestyle, she had moved there from another avant-garde company called Olivetti, those Companies that were born in the 70es believed that the well being of their employees was crucial for the good functioning of the system, these were the golden years of employment, employers offered benefits to keep their good and loyal employees, until they understood that they did not have to do that, making them FEAR to not be able to support themselves and starve to death could replace all benefits and make them save plenty money, and yes, fuck the well being too.

So, I went to one of General Electric summer camps for a few years in a row, I staid 2 turns, everywhere my mum could send me for summer as long as possible she would do so, to keep me off the streets. I particularly hated staying for 2 terms as that meant I would see the first turn of kids leave after 2 weeks to return home, got to wave them bye bye as they boarded the bus all neat and cleaned up to be returned to their parents, and would stay behind with just a few 'lucky ones' waiting for the second turn load to arrive.

I seem to remember this was my first year at summer camp, my time at summer camp was spent shuffling around and crying myself to sleep in the big rooms we shared with lots of kids as those rooms reeked of orphanages pictures I had seen and imagined, I used to write home, in every letter I would write 'don't forget to come and pick me up', as the fear of never returning home was something I lived with during the whole stay, every year, everywhere I went, this was due to twice having been forgotten due to a misunderstanding between my mum and somebody else supposed to come and pick me up, a stain that tainted the trust in my mother to effectively remember about me when I was out of sight, I used to write as well 'wait to have fun until I come back', for the rest I was forbidden to write 'I miss you like hell 'and why the fuck did you put me here with these kids I don't even know where I am lined up and asked to do 'social activities' like learning songs and basically be puppetered around against my will and my desire to just be left alone". The Minders told me that this would upset my mum too much and make her sad.

My mum wrote to me every day, she would put a candy for me in every letter and I felt luckier than the other kids because everyday when they called for the mail I had a letter, while other kids did not and that was just about the only upper hand I managed to have during my whole stay. A meagre satisfaction

For the rest I was not particularly graceful as I was always taller than the other girls, did not have feminine or fashionable clothes or anything that made me stand out, which gave me a sense of being inferior to other girls and all the kids in general.

When I went to summer camps with the nuns, they played for us Albinoni's Adagio' which in my memory is the saddest, most tragic music I have ever heard and always moved me to tears before sleeping even when I was much older. The careful Merciful Choice of the frustrated Nuns, I always saw that music played to make us sleep as a point of Child Abuse as many of us sniffed our way through all the tune until we fell asleep.

SO back to first year in summer camp, not fitting in, scared of all the other kids, and during my first year, first turn, I got lice.

This event was a shocker, while we were waiting to go through the combs of the nurse, someone said that only dirty kids had lice and I remember sitting there hoping and praying that I was not one of them. But I was. I do not have specific memories of how they organized to separate us, just of the courtyard in which they took us and cut our hair very short, my hair was a point I hang on to since I was a kid, I was always rolling a curl between my fingers with my hair and I remember the feeling of the hairs between my fingers, silky like a texture I really liked, like velvet, a tactile pleasure, it was not a point of vanity, as my mum was never remarking on my appearance and was always running, so she did not have the time to shampoo my hair and put the balm on it like grandma did, appearance was of no concern to me as a kid, it was just that when they cut my hair in the courtyard I felt marked, like now everyone could see and would know I was one of the kids who had lice.

They made a pile of hair in the courtyard and set them on fire, I remember the burnt chicken smell and the shame, a shame so big that I wanted to dig a hole and disappear, plus a sense of powerlessness, that it was all over, nobody of my family was around to tell everyone that I was not a dirty kid, I thought that I had shamed my family as well, no one explained to us about lice and how it happens so I used that comment as my only source of information and built myself a story of shame and guilt. And then blame, I blamed my mum for putting me there with the lousy dirty kids that infected me, for not putting balm on my hair that maybe would have kept the lice away as some kids did not get them, were they the ones better looked after than me? There was for sure something wrong with me, and with her, she was my mother, where the fuck was she in such a tragic moment of my life?

When we were checked again and I cried the nurse told me that actually lice only pick clean heads, I don't know if it was true or not, but I remember the relief as I turned myself from one of the dirty kids into one of the clean ones and felt better about myself. For days the picture of the hair burning in the courtyard haunted me, my own little holocaust, something I did not have a context to understand, I never liked short hair after that and I never wanted to remember.

My mum was informed and came to visit the first weekend after this 'hair cut', I was still dragging myself as if I had been violated, silently angry at her, she told me I was cute and I cried, I vented some of my anger but not the shame, I could not wait for the turn to change and bring in new kids, fresh flesh that had not seen what they had done to me and to my hair and that would never know that I lived through such a shameful moment and survived, diminished and smaller but with some well adjusted suppression everything would be fine and forgotten.

Throughout my Life, every time someone told me after that that I did not wash something properly or that I had a stain on my clothes I would react in shame, I was obviously not good at taking care of me, I should get someone to do it on my behalf, maybe this is the link to the Good Master as I never stepped out of that Shame and the desire to never again feel like the little lousy dirty shameful kid and if that meant getting myself a caretaker to do what I was unable to do, then so be it. Stick a Mental Note on my To DO List.

Self forgiveness to follow tomorrow with self corrective statements

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