Day 325: When Self Realizations don't fill Our Words, yet.

I have had the most interesting experience since writing my yesterday blog on Self Forgiveness.

That blog was a result of a moment that I shared with someone who has actually self realized Self Forgiveness as a living expression of himself and so the experience I had was the result of riding on someone's words, until the words filled me with the experience itself. 

I know I got it because I spent a few moments in and as this realization and I could perceive it as if it was my own, I touched this Creation for a moment and the Creation and myself were One.

And as I sat down to write the words that would contain this experience, I know I did my best to line them up to deliver the experience itself again and it took me some time, because they were not lined up right, I could feel the experience becoming elusive as I tried to frame it within my words and so I had to adjust them, mold them until I tried to bend them to do what I wanted, which was to put this experience into them, force it there, so they could carry it for myself and deliver it to others as One.

But when I read my post, as I still had the memory of the experience  I saw that the 'word' was not there, my words were not full enough yet, they did not contain THAT specific experience that I lived for a moment as me, where I saw the utter Beauty of that One Point in the midst of the confusion we live in, the noise that goes on in our Minds that never leaves enough space for words to be filled by me, as me, and so I experienced the frustration of being unable to replicate the moment as I lived it, specifically because it was not delivered to me in any grand way, wearing white robes or with cherubs playing the harp, there was no speaking in tongues, there was no touch, no no, instead it was given to me in utter simplicity, through living words that carried the experience within themselves because the person that spoke them and his words, were/are One.

So, today, I am just writing a note to Self, to remind myself that filling all the words I have used so far in separation as the Mind as Energy, is a process, that will flourish with accumulation of me as my words filling them one Breath at the time, returning to them myself as Life as One, so I will no longer be separate from them and when I shall will myself to speak or write to make something clear for myself and others, equally, they won't be just partially filled with me, but they will be me, as One, and then my word can become the Living Word, as I live as my words, as One, no longer indulging in separation from myself as words seeking to experience myself in-dividua-lly but experiencing myself as One with myself and Existence in every moment of Breath.

So now I have a yardstick, I have been gifted this experience as a measure to align myself to and I am enormously grateful for it and within this, here is my self realization for today of the why we work on Words at Desteni: because my words, our words don't yet contain ME/US, they are crapped up with stuff, emotions and feelings, memories, opinions, they are biased, I downloaded a whole biased vocabulary from those that came before me and then I went out and lived it as me.

I am still a carrier of duality for now, my words are dis-eased and so my words are still blanks and this is why when I use my words sometimes I can't hit the target as the delivery of a point in such an unbiased way that the other can zone in and get it, as I experienced it for myself, beyond any reasonable doubt, hence they are for me to fill with Meaning in alignment to What is Best for All and this is how I will return Me-aning to my words as myself, as One.

So the process we are walking is to empty our words, with Self Forgiveness and then design the new words (which is what Self Creation is all about) with our self corrective statements and word redefinition, so that my words carry the meaning I have put into them as mySelf and not someone else's meaning, so that my words and I become One and then finally I'll be able to do My Living and stop doing Someone Else's instead.

Clearing Words is a Process, find out how it works at Desteni, go on, get yourself a Life.

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• Day 324: Desteni Witness - The 'Scam' and Secret of Self Forgiveness
• 211: ImPosing My Mess (Mind) on Others
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• 369. Desteni: An Insider's Report

Day 321: Failure. The Fail Safe - Feel Safe of the Mind

As I go about the process to sort out the miss-filing of everything that I lived in my Mind, while making assumptions through beliefs and opinions in separation from everything that exists vs being Here in Real Time, a process I am walking to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All, I can see how when I hit points where I see how I can change my priorities to realign from self interest to what is best for all I have resistances and I express these resistances with what I have learnt from others as a way to justify why I am not in fact required to change, why I can keep going at it, keep filing away my perspectives, beliefs and ammunition for when I won't feel safe and I will have to defend myself/protect myself and this is what we do and exist as, little self interested units more concerned about how I can have it my way, from coercing others into specific behaviors, to just have it my way in my mind, where I created everything that exists for which I struggle to take responsibility for because I have grown way more familiar to blaming others for who I have become than to taking responsibility for myself  and accept that I have to patiently re-parent myself to re-birth myself to Life.

So, one point that hit me hard yesterday was the point of Failure, which of course can exist only in comparison to what I 'was supposed to be' according to the desires that I expressed as a kid, in my case a veterinarian, plus as I walked my life, to the lives of others that I perceived as more successful, more stable, always believing that I was the only loose screw in the world, or the loosest one, but here again see how the Mind seeks specialness and it doesn't even matter in which direction, can't be the best? Can shoot for the worse, I will still be special because no one is as BAD as me.

Of course for everything we elicit to embrace in our search for moreness (aka madness) within a polarity delusion, there is a con-sequence, in my case since I did not manage to be the baddest because the world outdid me several times in what I was willing to do to get the prize of specialness, I was left with Failure, not good enough, not bad enough, an underachiever for my potential, I embraced failure as who I am.

Interestingly enough Failure is just another Mind Game, it's the game that says that since I have already tried something, including changing myself and have not succeeded at the first go, I should give up, it's more in fact, it's my tacit permission to give up, the one I gave myself when I realized it would require work to change because many things I ended up doing and living as, were just too automated and I did not have the tools at that stage to face how to change, what to do and so I accepted failure, because it felt better than keep up the trying without results which would result in compounded energetic experiences of FAILURE which I did not like, see, this is how the Mind keeps Safe, it will record the falls and then every time we try that one point again, it will broadcast for us ALL the previous times in which we did not succeed, seeking for that certificate, that permission, the authorization to justify rolling over and do nothing about what is going on inward and outward in this existence.

The problem is that when we do accept Failure as a way to stop feeling bad about our perceived inability to change, the Game is Over, that is when we draw the line that says that everything we'll do after that point shall fail again, we'll fail again and this goes on for lifetimes until we stop even trying because we have forgotten that we could have redefined 'failure' and no longer take it as the emotion loaded word that expresses our nothingness, worthlessness but on the contrary Real Failure is the moment we accept to roll over and just wait to die, its the moment when we accept that our lives have been wasted and so since the waste has already happened, we can now enjoy our wasted lives and give up our point of self responsibility for good -thanksgodforthat, what a Relief. Weird hei?

Sadly it all began as an excuse to why I ultimately did not manage to be better than others when in fact this is the whole point, we keep Failing because we hold this desire, to be MORE, when if we embraced our Equality as One, there would be nothing to compare to or aspire to, because the Whole as One in support of each other, has got it all, we are missing 'peace's only in separation and yet we insist on wanting to hold on to the Specialness of Individuality in separation vs the Safety of Individuality within Equality, where we get to be All of It because You and Me are One and Equal and what you have I also have in Oneness and Equality beyond separation.

Next time I will hit the Failure point I will tell myself that I have just stumbled again on my program, that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could Fail vs redefining Failure as a Miss-Take from which I can get up and self correct, because Realigning to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All will have to come in Real Time, crossing the points that we kept as Fail Safe - Feel Safe of the Mind, to make sure we would not make it out of this A-maze-ing place that is the Virtual Reality we created in our heads, but we can, if we accept to embrace the uncertainty of walking the steps required to be Equal to All Life Expressions beyond our reactive words/world so we can finally bring Heaven on Earth for everyone and stop excusing ourselves through Failure for Failing to do so.

Rewrite Your Story at Desteni

rewrite the Story of Humanity with Equal Money and Basic Income Guaranteed, give your Author-ization for things to change by becoming Self responsible for yourself and your Self Change to reflect the world we want to build and live in, one point at the time.

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Day 314: TransGression - A System Design

 

Yesterday I went walking in a park nearby, a man on a bicycle was looking at me from across the brooklet designed to water the fields, he seemed pretty harmless and didn't catch my full attention until he made an unbelievable effort to come to where I was an approach me.

The first thing he said is that from afar he was not sure if I was a boy or a girl, this comment was annoying :) and not a cool opening, then he started to tell me that THAT park was weird and you could find Anything there, Gays, Lesbians, transvestites, men who came there to have sex with their wife or watch while their wife had sex with someone else, many, he said with a sigh, are now asking for money, good old times are gone for good.

To make clear that I was not there for any of the above mentioned activities I said that maybe I should reconsider my walking path, least someone mistook my exercise routine for something else, I was aware that I was reacting in fear as he painted this extravagant world for me to understand that 'Transgression' is now what everyone is looking for.

In my life I have been very transgressive, many of us believe that this is a way to make it out of a set of rules that we have not designed and that we didn't have the time or took the time to assess for their soundness and so we jump the gun and move to the other side of the rules, just for the heck of it, no one in this world has been supported to develop the ability to assess each and every situations to establish what would be the best for all parties involved vs the FUN of skipping and hopping through consequences.

As our chat progressed while we walked he said that there is much hypocrisy in this world and we cannot be asked by Pedo priests to do what they are not willing to do, basically he laid out the make up of transgression, a Belief that since there is always in the world someone doing Worse Than Me, I am OK, I am just transgressive, just a free spirit, I do no harm, all people involved in my transgression are up for it, looking for it, wanting it and hence, we are basically Right.

The point I made to reply to his question about WHY then if transgression is on the Increase we can't consider it The New Normality, was that Transgression is just a System Design, it's the overrun of designing more and more products to entertain the Mind, while unwilling to consider the consequences.

One instance is Porn, we are flooded with it, porn is everywhere, it's in advertisement, on the web, in magazine, movies, everyone now at every age has a chance to access it, and then we have to face what comes next, the carousel of pictures in our minds, the oversexualization of everything that moves, breathes, our inability to stop sexualizing each other's bodies and body parts, we have to realize that what we do and participate in has consequences, the system did, and it created TransGression, the Steam Valve to let out the excesses of mental friction and, as its own creation, it sanctioned it and promoted it as Fine and even further, as Positive.

So, next time we feel so cocky about being transgressive, it would be worth considering that not even that is our own creation, we did not evolve into those cocky abusers by chance or by our own will, we just took the bait, The MasterBait, and then run with it, investing time and money into what creates time and money for others who laugh all the way to the bank while looking at us crawling lower and lower in the gutters they designed as our pacifier and in which we willingly stepped into, as a way to escape our experience of ourselves in this world, as trapped and enslaved. Noone has ever reached Freedom through Transgression, but the delusion still stands strong and powerful - I am FREE, we shout from the gutters of the world for anyone who cares to hear us.

Fortunately, transgression as an escape is a dead end, those who have meddled with it know what follows after the transgression outings, mainly it's shame and self disgust as we are unable to hang on to the Transgressive Label for solace because the label is tiny, flimsy, without sub-stance if not the sub-stance of ourselves we invest in it, so, it's time to stop being transgressive aka assholes in disguise and return ourselves to some dignity, stand up from the gutters to see how and why we accepted such a sub-life, such misery and to realize we have been duped, yeah, that's right, we would have never thought about finding a positive label to our ab-normal behavior unless someone thought it for us and that we'll never find the dignity we crave by association with other undignified humans like us just because we believe we belong to the exclusive 'Club of Transgression', what is left, after the disillusion of the juicy goodness of transgression is to stand up, forgive ourselves for what we accepted and allowed and take the required steps to change, it's our Change that will Change the world and turn a world of Transferred Aggression into a world of peace and harmony for All as we leave behind our energetic/feel good addictions one at the time for What is Best for All.

Join us at Desteni, walk yourself out of the belief in the value of Transgression, the Transgression designed by this system to justify why we are allowed to do what we do, think what we think and say what we say, when in fact we know we are just abusers seeking to abuse, until we say STOP and move ourselves to Change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that transgression is 'cool' just because it served as the lid to cover up how I perceived myself and the life I lived instead of seeing and realizing I was never OK with what I did and a label for it was never going to sort it out or sort myself out

When and as I see myself reacting in excitement/anticipation/desire to the word 'transgression', I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that this word has been purposefully loaded with a 'positive charge' so that I could embrace my perceived negative behavior and self judgement and find some solace within it and within this I no longer accept the positive charge of the word transgression but return it to its neutrality of what it really describes and stands for which is a behavior that crosses the line of first considering myself, others and the flowing consequences into the equation that I need to be clear about before I think, speak or act

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel devalued when the guy said 'I was not sure if you were a boy or a girl' because I have placed value on being 'a girl' and being mistaken for a boy triggers a perception of diminishment within me and within this for believing that I can be diminished by being taken/labelled as a boy or a girl

When and as I hear someone expressing themselves about me as to not being sure if I belong to the male or female gender, I stop, breathe, return myself to the physical, as I now see, realize and understand that I have associated this feeling of diminishment to a specific memory of being a kid and getting a short haircut after which I was mistaken for a boy and people laughed and in that moment I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a woman mistaken for a male was ridiculous and as such demeaning/diminishing and that I no longer need to hold on to this memory and breathe to let it go once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel fear and excitement at the transgressive stories the man was telling and for judging myself as bad when I realized something in me was moving at the 'idea' of all the transgressive behavior consumed in that park instead of seeing and realizing I always judged transgression as bad and something to fear as I saw it could be used as an excuse for my behavior which would never require me to change and at the same time as exciting because the feeling of excitement belongs to the word transgression by design and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the design of the word transgression as exciting, excitement, positive, something to aspire to to break free

When and as I see myself triggered by the word transgression, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that if I still have movement within me relative to this word there is something I still need to clear out regarding my perception of what 'being free' means and so I commit myself to dig into the dimensions of this word if such a movement should arise again, until I can stand stable in and as breath when hearing/reading/speaking the word 'Transgression'

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Day 289: Correcting triggers in communication

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked for my idea, opinion, suggestion and I offer one/some, to go into a reaction when my idea/opinion/suggestion is voted down for a few times as if that defined my idea/opinion/suggestion as worthless and as such 'me' as worthless - not good enough.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when what I offer in terms of ideas, opinions/ suggestions is not valued, considered as I have connected what my mind generates as characters and personality as valuable and as a measure of who I am and what my value/worth is

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when interacting with my ex h. specifically, react to the rejection of my ideas/opinions and suggestions as I take the rejections personally, as if there was something wrong with me for being unable to come up with the 'right' idea/ suggestion/opinion that can be valued and appreciated as I have connected what I come up with as Ideas/opinions/suggestions to who I really am and not just a product of my Mind as Characters/personality and as such - of no value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I allow myself to be triggered into this specific well plaid out pattern, to bring up all the past times in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed off to prove that 'see, is is not me being unreasonable, it's HIM, he always does that to annoy me - and why the fuck does he even ask then - why can't he debate himself instead of seeking for reasons to debate 'me'?"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with the Nth time pattern play out, to scan my memory for reasons to prove I am right and he is wrong, because I was going about my day without any reaction and THEN he came along and started this BS playout of asking me something just so he can say 'no, because', instead of seeing and realizing I am just reacting because I have layered and accumulated energy regarding this point and now as soon as the pattern starts I allow myself to board the not-so-merry go round to the end, until I can blame Him for how I feel about playing something out over and over again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I see this pattern starting and having accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't stop it, simply because I AM RIGHT, to not stop and just tell myself I am no longer participating in this pattern and use breath to defuse the energy build up that comes up as a result of having played the same game over and over again instead of allowing myself to go with the flow because I can always excuse myself that 'I was not the one who started this' and as such I carry no responsibility for my participation - which is just an excuse to not stop participating because there is a pay back with making my ex h. wrong and myself right - which is the energy ride I get to experience, no matter if it feels good or bad, it's still better that not feeling anything at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex h. for how repulsed I am at the idea of another relationship, making him responsible for my repulsion/revulsion vs looking at why I have created this veil of disgust toward relationship as a way to not face my fear of failure in relationship and myself as the problem within relationship, the one who has something wrong, a crazy slant for which I fear entering relationships in case I get all worked up all over again and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is something wrong/bad with me for how I have handled myself so far within relationships, instead of seeing and realizing I have never even been here, but just acting out characters and personalities that do not define who I am, unless I accept and allow this to be so

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to bury vast amounts of rage regarding my ex h. in separation from myself, not wanting to own up to them because I believed I couldn't, because I perceived him many times as better than me, calmer than me, handled points in a wiser manner than me, and since I was not therefore entitled to this anger against him, I just disowned it and used it as a lid to cover up the other stuff that lays as the fuel of my behavior within our relationship - and within this for holding on to rage for who I have been and what I accepted and allowed myself to become within my relationships with partners as a replica of what I witnessed and internalized within my family

to be continued

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Day 245: Telling Stories Larger than Life - Character

When I was a kid I had a step grandfather whose storytelling would keep me so enthralled that I would disregard everyone's comments at the table of 'cut it out, stop exagerating', to which he would reply, "I am only making the story more interesting, more 'beautiful'"

One of the reason why I was taken by his storytelling was the HOW he changed stories to paint himself always heroic during the war or in his relationships, everything he did would be polished up or magnified, never made less, always made more and in turn himself More than he was.

This is the first memory that I have in connection to this Character that I played extensively.

The second memory that would be linked to this is of a time in my courtyard when I was reviewing and editing a moment I had lived, I was basically 'screenwriting' but backward, making myself play it all in the right way while saying the perfect flawless gobsmacking lines, the best lines of any interaction were always mine, I would steal them from everywhere, movies in which I registered a specific emotional content/charge, books where a sentence was just too good to be read just once, which is I guess why I developed the skill of listening in such detail, it was never to listen to others, it was to grab pieces of other peple's characters and make them mine, telling myself I 'could be that' and evoke the same emotion I felt when I heard the lines that were played out by others. Storytelling was a tool to 'move' people in my favour and was mainly based on the outcome I sought in terms of how I wanted others to perceive me, as the one always 'in charge'.

In charge, this words in Italian translates as "Incaricato", it would mean "assigned a role" and never in a million years, unless I translated it into English and then back again into Italian, I would have noticed the word 'charged' -caricato, which means both charged as electrically/energetically "charged" and "loaded".

This one of my Characters was one of the most uncomfortabe to play since I caught myself in my first editing, copying and pasting sequences in speficic orders to come out the winner, like all games, when you take away the surprise point, the game doesn't hold up as well, as tightly, which is one of the reasons why I always had troubles believing people that say "I don't know ' to anything or that insist they are not aware of a part they are playing.


Since I started walking with Desteni I have wondered if something in me was wrong from the start, meaning if something was not screwed as tight as it should have, like my head, because these leaks of awareness were always disturbing and still I don't know, maybe we all just "leak awareness" and instead of using our awareness to change or stop doing what we see clearly that we are doing, we suppress awareness every day a little more, we seek drugs and alchohol, basically anything that will help sort out the feeling that something is not right, I am not right, I am not even real, am I? Best to forget about it, play the part and then, if necessary, the storyline can always be edited and rescripted as if we lived it out 'right' instead of having extensively fucked up yet again.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of storytelling being more important than Life, larger than Life and for manipulating memories for the purpose of portraying myself as 'right' and 'more' in fear of being 'wrong' and 'less', I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I started to live to create a Character that could tell the stories of my life better than I could live them by being self honest, instead of stopping and not accepting myself to live as a Character for the purpose of story telling as Larger than Life and more important than self expressing and for believing that being liked and accepted by others was key to my well being and for this attempting or maneuvering to manipulate the opinion I imagined others held of me I forgive myself



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having the approval of others and molding the opinions of others of me into the perfect reflection I wanted shown back to me was important and that the opinion of others of me defined who I am, and for giving up my self expression to impress myself on others as an imaginary reflection of my own creation, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my self honesty as I aspired to create the perfect reflection of me imprinted in others, failing to see that it was not the projected image of me I needed to change, but myself in and as the physical to reach the perfection I aspired to and tried to reach through storytelling, and for failing to see, realize and understand that I spent my life working on a projection of me that was not real instead of realigning the Self that is real in and as the physical, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about the opinions others have of me, accepting and allowing myself to believe that what others think of me defines me, without seeing, realizing and understanding that what I thought others thought about me was MY creation and had nothing to do with others, and that I used others to project my own self judgements on them as their own creation and then make them responsible for how I experienced myself instead of correcting myself in and as the physical for real vs attempting to correct the image of myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others and then resent them for the creation of the imaginary projection of myself that I disliked and attempted to change through storytelling instead of changing my living expression to realign to the principle of 'not doing to others what I did not want done unto me' or to 'giving as I would like to receive'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed everytime I saw myself editing my life, because everytime I edited my life I lived a moment of conditional acceptance of myself and for not having accepted myself unconditionally for all that I had become so I could see clearly what I had to change instead of making up stories about having changed or about how changed I was, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not good enough, not interesting enough to just 'tell it like it is' and that I had to make up good stories about how in fact I was enough instead of addressing the point of why I came to accept and believe I was not good enough and as such create a Character that was 'better than me/more than me/larger than me' for any circumstance I lived in which I perceived I failed, did not do my best, didn't live up to what I knew I could live up to because it was easier than real change


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked about a story that involves me, instead of just 'telling it like it is' perceive myself moving into this StoryTeller Character, to embellish it, make it more fun, interesting so I can fulfill myself by having a bigger ovation, appreciation so I can feel alive and for separating myself from myself Here as Life in and as Breath seeking for myself as I missed out on Me having always been Here, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of playing this Character, not feel at ease or relaxed when I am asked to tell an event because I immediately move to turn any event into a 'story' to make reality bigger, better more interesting and within this, for making reality as the physical not good enough as I sought to enhance it in some ways, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a Character in which I feel physically constricted even in my movement as I stand into and as the Storyteller and for separating myself from the physical as me in search for more, in search for meaning, in search for a reason why I am even living, I forgive myself



When and as I see myself being asked a question and moving or about to move into the Storyteller character to find ways to enhance what I lived that didn't seem enough, good enough, interesting enough, I stop, breath, do not allow myself to step into this Character while I observe the triggers that made me desire to do so so I can at the first chance write them out and free myself from this role-playing once and for all


When and as I see myself about to tell a story and moving or about to move into my mind for screenwriting and editing, I stop, breathe, practice the tell it like it is beyond my fear that it won't be interesting enough, captivating enough, generating enough good reviews, practicing to not Role play until I can step out of this Character for good


When and as I see myself desiring to edit, screenwrite a story, even in the most apparently insignificant details, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have walked this Character and I wrote for myself instructions about how to move beyond the fear that my life may not be enough and then I just wak the script I rewrote for myself until telling it like it is become integrated in me as who I am


When and as I see myself having the thought that life is not enough in one of the many ways I found to let myself know that, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I fear losing is not Life but my ideas and definitions of what an interesting life should look like, be like and within this see realize and understand I have lived the most interesting life and yet I was never satisfied about it, because in the seeking I was never Here and in the Not Enoughness of my experience I lived as the not Enough-ness of me in separation from myself and for this I forgive myself



I commit myself to see realize and understand that Life in and as Breath is enough, that I am enough and that there is nothing More to seek, because in the seeking for More I make myself Less, until I exist no more


I commit myself to stabilize myself in and as Breath, in and as Myself realigning to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all as that is All I have ever been seeking for, the Oneness and Equality of Me with Existence as a Whole vs my existence as a Hole.


I commit myself to no longer live the Holeness of Existence and to walk the necessary steps to return myself to the Wholeness of Myself as Existence for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One.

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Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership

It seemed romantic once. 

To think and say such things. Movies were full of them, the idea of ownership in and as Love, plus I come from a country where women are 'given away' in marriage, to symbolize the passage of ownership from father to husband. This was the reason why we didn't have a right to keep the maiden name either, because a property has to pass under the owner's name.

There are many things in our culture we don't even see, we just take them on board, they become normal, the exchange of the rings, the having the engagement ring given first, to say you have been booked, to emphasize that the process of ownership is underway, you are no longer free to fuck around basically, the engagement ring -engages a woman into a contract.

There are many other ways to say the same thing, I belong to you, will be yours forever, I won't be anybody else's but yours, it must be intended physically, because no one seems to have anything to say about the times they have sex with someone and think about someone else, so no one is after the ownership of someone else's mind, you can keep that one to yourself -have enough troubles with mine- so it's the ownership of the body, funny because everyone says how important the heart is, the soul is, and yet what we want to own of another is their body, we want to be sure no one else owns it, we put on it an exclusivity right, its safer, it makes us believe that it will last longer if one doesn't go around enjoying himself/herself with others least one gets to the point of comparison and we fall short on that.

So of course I have played this card many times, it goes with the 'I love yous' we say, its an extra flavour and dimension we add to it, we keep upping the stakes of the value we trade for a relationship, my love not enough? Have my body, take it, it's yours, forever.

When we take the time to look into our culture the ridiculousness of it all is impossible to miss, we make promises we can't keep, the body one is just one of many, how can we claim someone else's body or give away our own, where would we live then? How about when we go to work, do something not together, whose body is it then if not just mine and even during sex, whose body is it if not mine, if not me as the physical?

And yet we crave those declarations, they make us feel important, since we sold out everything, being owned by 'choice' seems not such a bad deal after all, I chose to give my body away...and how would that ever happen? HOW?

I have lived Love as ownership, trying to make people mine and be theirs, exchanging bodies on the meat market for value and a sense of security and ultimately, most important, to abdicate my responsibility for myself and give it to another, to the owner of my body, and then wondered why I lived like a Slave after choosing my Own Masters.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have memories of movies and books in which women said to a man 'I am yours' and to perceive an upliftement like if THAT was the point I should strive for, to be owned by someone, so since I did not own myself in full self responsibility, someone else would

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to own another so I could diminish the fear that I faced every time 'Love' came into the picture as something I had to now hang on to, feed, nurture and within this fear of losing what was never real I would create the desire to own someone so that the chances of losing them and the feelings I felt as positive feelings could last longer and be less threatened

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to own someone else and within this desire for ownership of another I forgive myself for supporting the whole master and slave relationship construct of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a high when I heard the words 'you are mine or I am yours' as if I had achieved something, as if owning someone of be owned added value to myself and the experience of myself because I was no longer alone and for fearing being alone to walk this physical experience believing I was not enough I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how good it would feel to hear the words 'you are mine - I am yours' as if that would be the arrival point of something, of love in its ultimate expression, without seeing realizing and understanding that anyone who wants to give themselves up in exchange for another is not whole and the foundation of such trade is fear and the belief of not being good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is whole until they find their twin soul, and for looking for my twin soul as an attempt to complete myself, to be appreciated, to be enough as I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would find him then I would experience myself differently and within this abdicating the responsibility of how I experienced myself at anytime to a chance meeting with a man to whom 'I could give myself'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out on all the symbolism of marriage and women 'given away' by fathers to another man as one of the point on which I built this belief that I don't own myself, that I am first "owned" and then "given away", which is why so much garbage came from the end of the relationship with my ex husband as I suddenly perceived myself 'not belonging to anyone' and therefore less than I was before when 'I did belong to someone'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest consequences for myself as a result of this 'Giveaway Character' that I played and resulted in me never feeling whole or worthy unless I belonged to someone and someone 'belonged to me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding I had just separated myself  into a Character in my Mind seeking for ownership and belonging as a point of worth and value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my separation into a 'not good enough character' expose myself to both external and internal manipulation in which anyone who would come and play this role would be welcomed as I would blind myself to looking if the potential relationship coming would be supportive for both me and another as an equal because I allowed myself to be driven by a Character in my Mind seeking ownership and belonging

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my desire/need to own another/belong to another live my times as a single woman as if I were lacking something, missing something, as if I were incomplete, idle, just waiting for the moment when I would own somebody/belong to somebody so I could go back to my patterns of Love/fear for another energy ride to feel alive and More than how I felt when not in an ownership/belonging relationship

When and as I see myself wanting to elicit the words 'I am yours' from another or to speak the words 'I am yours' to another, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, see realize and understand I am walking a Character and that if I do, whatever I create won't be real because a Character can't create anything real, as when I am in Character I am not being Here, self directive in and as breath and thus I am not real

When and as I see myself longing or moving into the longing of owning someone or belonging to someone, I stop and breathe, see realize and understand that this is not Love but ownership, just a program I run when and as I move into fear, instead I investigate what do I fear so I can release myself from this programming once and for all

I commit myself to correct myself every time I see I am about to walk into this Character of ownership/belonging or I see myself react to trigger words of the ownership/belonging Character, until I can stand stable in and as breath here in and as the physical for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Day 69 - Relationship Energy Addict
• 102 - Relationships = Relate-to-Self
• Day 232 Journey into Life "Cinderella" Character Self Forgiveness
• Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self
• Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.
• Day 229: The Memories of The Way We Were

Day 221: Weapons - Creations of Fear

After the last shooting in America two days ago a few chats on the FB threads were going on.

Basically the usual ones, the division in 2 main groups was clear, one in favour of the right to weapons and one against.

Interestingly the one in favor seemed to be the most 'intelligent', the ones who wanted to show off the list of either their life achievements or their academic records, as PROOF that their point was Reasoned, they had the tool let's say to make such an assesment of reaity and conclude that beyond any reasonable doubt, we DO need weapons.

When I posted that we are all insane and potential psycopaths -I omitted the word 'potential' for clarity-, no one, the ones with many degree or the others objected to this, it was sort of ACCEPTED.

This was the point I found most interesting within the debates that went on, when exposing the Mind, everyone kind of skidded away from it and returned to sender, which was 'the right to weapons', someone went as far as to say 'those are Life saving Tools'. 

Which takes us back to the point of Insanity in a millisecond.

How would things we created to kill each other 'Save Lives', come again?

Can we use them for emergency blood transfusion using the barrel cleaned with Vodka in a MacGiver sort of trick, or to perform heart resuscitation by pressing the gun up and down on the heart region, what do we mean 'it saves Lives'? It means 'Mine'. See the truth of this.

There is really No Excuse for weapon manufacturing, never mind the owning of it, and to those that defend their right to 'hunting as a sport' let's be clear that "hunting' is not a sport, a sport involves one's own physical performance alone, not running after an unarmed animal with a gun. This should not even need mentioning, but it does. Because we are psycopaths.

We hurt, harm and kill each other and other life forms, read the news and see what we have turned ourselves into and all this just to support the existence of ourselves as the Mind, Creation within Creation that we have not yet understood or learnt how to direct, hence as we fear ourselves, we fear each other.

As we watch on the screem of our mind what goes on as if it had nothing to do with us, we can see the Evil rolling, we then go and project it on other, fearing what others would be capable of as we know what we would be capable of if we gave in to our untamed Minds.

Weapons are a Creation of FEAR, we live in a world of FEAR, and instead of addressing what is causing us to Fear ourselves and Each other we built weapons and THEN, to justify our right to own one to defend ourselves, we talk about how we can make weapons out of anything 'look, one can poke you in the eye with a stiletto heel and make you bleed to death' or 'people can make bombs with chewing gum and baking soda -should we ban these too then????- Yes, good point, so we are aware that there is something wrong with us as we see our desires to harm and kill each other, yes? So we lose our right to invoke ignorance as the excuse why, even though we are aware something is going out of control in our minds, we would support weapons manufacturing and ownership.

The fact that 'since the beginning of time' we busied ourselves with this, should not be brought up, it's not in our favor, it just shows we have not changed and that, as we evolved as the Mind in separation from each other, we just learned to apply new skills and technology to the same old ways of behaving: harming each other.

Wouldn't it make sense to reverse the direction until we sort out 'that thing we do' in our heads that builds up into these extremes, wouldn't be safer and best for all to NOT have arms in fact and deal with finding solutions to our differences, many of which would be resolved within a system of support for all that doesn't leave kids believing there is nothing ahead of them and that life doesn't make sense, because the tragedy that they highlight is that what kids come to fear about their future on this planet is REAL, we live on a frightening planet, this is why we want arms.

So, please consider that this world can change in a non frightening place for all, where Life is honoured and we learn to treat each other as Equals and give to each others what we would like to receive, yes we have to create that world together, we have to work for it, Equally, first within ourselves, to change the self interested beings we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become and then without, establishing a system of support for All, so Life can be born from the Physical, and we can leave behind for good our destructive nature and the world we created. 

That world that is coming requires our commitment and it won't have place for weapons designed to harm each other with, in any way, shape or form.

To correct out Evil nature as the Mind - as moving from Self Interest to What is Best for All, you can visit Desteni and enrol in the DIP course, a free Lite version is available for Free

To learn more about the New World in the making as a world of support for All Life, join the Forums at Equal Money, cast your Vote, get involved,

Prevention is the Best Cure.

Related articles

• Responsibility to Life
• The gun control that works: no guns
• Sandy Hook Massacre: What if it were you and Yours?
• Day 214: Empire or Mafia? Take the Cannoli !
• Day 232: Creation or Self Creation: Why are we on Earth? - ADC - Part 79

Day 194: You can always find the Evil behind the Good..& not viceversa

Today I have listened to one of the Amazing Interview by Anu, titled "The Key to Life through Evil", it was a pretty amazing experience.

A few days ago I had listened to the "Force of Good", which was awesome too, but it didn't hit me in the same way, it is possible that I was hit more specifically by "Evil vs Good' just as a build up, because the 'Force of Good' felt disturbing and for sure I split while listening to it -the usual disappearing act-, not because I am not aware of the Evil of reality or of this Creation as Ourselves, just because it felt a bit like the news, too much bad/negative information in one go to process.

I have had very bad back pain for some time now, it is possibly a posture problem, I have added a cushion just because my mother commented that I was not sitting at the right height the last time she saw me, which was true, but it was a height and a stretch my body had adjusted to, and then I had a series of new adjustment pains that took over everywhere, from the back into my shoulder blades and my neck, it got better only when I stopped writing for a while. On the point of pain I need to write out as well, I have developed a personality with a High Pain Threshold, the Brave One -apparently- and take some pleasure in enduring my personal 'hair shirt', the proof of my endurance under the least auspicious of conditions. But this is for another Blog.

The point of today's Blog is the point of Evil, one sentence was particularly poignant in the interview and hit home: "you can always trace Evil back from Good" and interestingly enough, not viceversa.

You can't find anything good in Evil -no, positive thinking delusions and optimism do not apply as we are talking Reality in this instance-, in fact it is even truer that you need Evil for Good to exist.

To feel good, you must do something 'good' for someone who is 'out of luck' or 'feeling bad', there is never an example where Good can exist without Evil/Bad/negative being there first to create the very condition for Good to exist.

After the interview I had my own personal example. I boarded an almost empty bus and sat down, I still have issues with sitting down because my mother would make me stand as a kid because 'I did not need to sit' in case someone who needed the seat more than me, young and vibrant, would board the bus. If I had been allowed to sit, at the view of someone 'less fortunate' in age or physical condition I would have to get up and give my seat, my mum would give hers as well all according to 'who was the least fortunate', if she was, just by the fact of having a kid and possibly being loaded with bags, there would be a mental 'need' contest to assess who had more 'rights' to the seat. So I have 'seating' issues still and when I sit down even in an almost empty bus, I feel slightly guilty.

After a couple of stops a hoard of students boarded the bus, one run to sit in front of me, the bus filled up and all seats were taken, his friends gathered around him and one of them started to talk about his injured leg and how he should sit down as he was still recovering from an operation, his friend was laughing and trying to pretend he was not concerned, listening to his Ipod and looking out of the window.

Of course all my seating issues kicked in, so in my mind I went through the following backchat

• I should stand up and give him my seat - this was followed by another thought that said -you are just feeling guilty- which was true and the point was I would have stood up in guilt

Then I thought,

• if I get up I will be doing it 'to teach his friend a lesson', to show him what HE SHOULD HAVE DONE, that would be nasty

Next thought

• "he is playing the operation story to get a seat'

So I am debating with myself until I find another thought which is 

• 'why isn't his friend getting up to give him His seat?" 

This thought was the one that gave me the most relief, I had CLEARLY assessed that it was Not my responsibility to do something about it. Basically this is what goes on through our Minds on a daily basis, no matter what the subject is, we chat with ourselves until 'we feel better' about something, no matter what that entails, how much we have to 'wrong' and belittle someone else, all is fair and square until it happens in the 'secrecy' of my Mind.

The fact that such backchats has been glamourized by Hollywood in movies or series such as Ally Mc Beal, where everyone finally got to SEE what was going on through someone's mind in FACT and not the outer presentation alone that was offered, it's worrisome, we are making movies about our Mental Sicknesses and attempting to 'normalize them', just because everyone does it, it doesn't make it Normal or any less Nasty or acceptable that we have a whole parade of Personae in our Mind talking to each other, we are just one degree away from Schizophrenia, the Schizophrenics are just unable to manage the secret chit chats 'inside' and they start to externalize them, this would be just about the 1 degree of difference that exists.

The fact that we are now a few steps ahead of our Madness doesn't make us any less mad, the new trend is 'to declare' our thoughts out loud 'I said that to make you feel guilty haha', "I said that to make you feel jealous, to make you suffer, to make you miss me'', 'I know I was manipulating him/her but I did it for his/her own good', we have an infinite list of declaration of apparent 'innocence', we insist though to never question Who we really Are through everything that goes on in Our Minds. Luckily implosion is what lies ahead for All of Us, we'll get to the point of being unable to contain the crap that we circulate back and forth and we'll be forced to face it, it happened to me, if you can hear don't wait, THAT is not the best of experiences and is NOT necessary either.

Back to today's incident, what I showed myself is that whatever choice I believed I had while 'thinking myself out of that situation', such as the ones offered by my backchat, once I start thinking, I Have In Fact NO Choice, because every choice offered is only for Me, this guy wasn't even in my pictured Mind reality, one choice was to do the 'right thing' so I could feel Good about Myself, One choice was to Not do the 'Right Thing' because I saw myself wanting to do that and so I could use that point as my justification to Not Act, Another Choice was to believe he was Lying, which would solve the question right out since he would then be At Fault and the last most relieving thought was 'it's someone else's responsibility to do the 'right thing', all this of course from a starting point of having decided what is the right thing to do as a kid when my mother made me do Her Right Thing so She Could Feel Good about Herself. 

Plus, if I had managed to feel good about myself by standing up, I could have done so only in the face of something bad, in this case 'an injured guy'.

SO, where is the choice between Good and Evil if not A Joke? Within our Minds, there is No Choice, there is Only the Evil Choice of the Self Interest of ourselves or the implanted choice of another in the process of feeling Good about themselves, and why are we seeking to feel Good? If we were honest about our lives, we could say that most of the time we don't feel Good hence we seek the Evil, the Bad, the negative as a stepping stone into 'our imaginary goodness'. Or we seek for it in another, failing to see we are just projecting ourselves in a Mirror, it's never about another, everything that happens in Our Minds is Who we Are.

We have to give up our Minds, our own existence as The Mind, what goes on there is not hidden, it's in full display in this World and obviously nothing to be proud of.

Today one of my friend who is not walking process with Desteni came to a self realization 'We need the Poor people, we need the ones that are one step below us, unluckier, more distraught, because this is HOW we make our own lives bearable'. So in self Honesty each one of us can see the truth of Ourselves and why we need to change, there is No Good to Save, we can safely move on, nothing of Value will be lost and we'll have to lose it all, face the Fear of 'Losing Our Minds' to walk into Life as Life.

So, for those interested in unveiling the truth of this existence, support yourself with the Interviews available at Eqafe, they are Not Uplifting, reality can't be uplifting, this is why we made up so much crap to cover it up, but it is liberating, discovering that you are Not Mad after All but just plain Evil in Disguise is the way to go, Life can be reclaimed by Each One of Us, skip and hop over the Good, that part is Not Real, so we can all get down to the nitty-gritty of our own Evilness and stop this Creation that is manifesting outside the Truth of our Being-ness inside, until we change that, nothing will change, and as everyone can see a Change is required, the sooner we get on with it, the more chances we have to save something of ourselves and of this world with and as us, so we may create a World where Evil no longer exists and Life is Honoured in a World that is Best for All.

Tomorrow I will walk my Self Forgiveness for the Evil as Me. It will sure take some posts to unravel that.

Related articles

• Evil has Become Much Stronger than the Good
• 194. Let the Mask Fall!
• 195. The Righteousness of Evil
• Day 173: The Queen of Spades - Looping Memories as The Shackles Within
• Facing the Evil within - the KEY to Self Awareness - Day 188
• Comparison is a Bitch - Day 212