Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Day 455: Anger Management - Using Anger to 'sort things out'

Last night at 1.30 am my car switched her engine off and left me stranded with another 3 friends in the car and a total of 3 dogs.

I was aware that at some levels I felt ashamed with my friends because when I was a kid my mum always had shitty cars that gave us all sorts of troubles, cars I had to push to kick start in front of everyone watching me and I connected shitty cars to being poor and hence something to be ashamed about. Funny how being poor in our society doesn't seem to be bad enough, we managed to attach blame to being poor - hence the shame most poor people live with -day in and day out.

While I sough for a solution, I remembered I had an insurance that would cover road assistance for break downs but I could not find the card with their number, so I looked on Internet, found their 24 hrs toll free number and called.

I told the operator I was insured with Unipol Sai, I offered to give my policy number but he said he didn't need it and I though - wow, we have become so efficient with all this technology, I was feeling sorry for my friends as well who had things to do early this morning but waited with me for 1 hour until the car was towed away and we could call a taxi to go home.

So I kind of bottled up some emotions about it and then this morning a gingerly guy called me to tell me I had called the wrong number last night and I would be charged for the assistance, the more he tried to explain how 'I' made the mistake, the more I saw myself 'losing it'.

First thing I was really pissed off about was that he insisted that 'I called the wrong number' as in wanting to shift the responsibility on me about them not telling me 'you called the wrong number' right away, which seemed to be the normal obvious thing that should happen in such cases - how do I know the number is wrong if the guy knows what my policy covers, doesn't ask for the number and says I am covered for towing the car away? Bloody mind reading?

I was positive I was NOT going to pay for this mistake, but I got angry anyway, like being angry would add weight to our verbal transaction because the one angry is usually right and the one not angry -wrong.

I am aware that this is a cultural glitch in my make up and I will now write out this episode to release all the charges I have accumulated inside me and to bring this idea that 'getting angry will sort things out' to a closure as this belief is not best for me nor for anyone else involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my car broke down, to feel ashamed toward my friends fearing that I would look like a 'loser', someone who doesn't have everything together and for going back in the same emotional state I felt while I was a kid and my mother had all those shitty cars that I had to push to kick-start when I was nicely dressed up- specifically to escape the impression that we were poor, by comparison to my grandparents, something I felt ashamed and inferior about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that poor people must be ashamed of their poverty as a testimony of a life of fuck ups, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that many people that can't get to the end of the month in this world have made all the best possible choices Available to Them, because choices are for the chosen Rich Ones and the less money one has, the less choices

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum as a loser as I grew up because she could not afford a car that would always start without fail and for blaming her for how I experienced myself when I had to run after the car to kick start it, blaming her for  feeling diminished, exposed and not good enough to have a good car instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these emotions were the result of how I copied the perception of my grandparents about my mother, who wanted to blame her for being an underachiever so they could avoid feeling guilty for never helping her out in the first place - no matter the fact that my mum worked like a dog and raised a child all by herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that blaming the poor, shaming them and belittling their whole existence is what we all still collectively do to not have to take responsibility for the system of inequality that we have created, where some drive million dollar cars while others get all the crap left overs be that about cars, homes, food, water and quality of air and life and within this I forgive myself for participating in the system of inequality perceiving myself both as a poor with all the negative emotions that go with it and a rich with all the positive feelings that go with it, instead of stopping and considering that we could all get off this energetic wheel by creating a system that works for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when this morning the guy called me trying to push the blame for the fuck up on me, to go livid and tell him that it was worrisome how they were even trying to do that, considering that if someone calls me in the middle of the night to have their car towed away and I am not their insurer I would say 'wrong number' while not considering all the time I have done the exact same thing, refining this art to a T in away that I still apply to my current job, where I immediately look for how I can make another responsible for a company fuck up so we don't have to be blamed about it - and in that case I look at it as a 'skill'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become skillful in the art of blaming others for my fuck ups, always seeking for ways to not take responsibility for who I am and what I have become and to consider that 'an art, a quality, something to be praised for, especially in the workplace' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that taking responsibility will have to start at my own individual level and weave out in everything I touch and do, for me to be a contributor to change in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get angry I have more leverage, more chances to get things to work my way, that pushing back someone who is being abusive with anger is justified and not equally abusive and within this for fearing that unless I get 'really angry' I won't be able to deliver home what I see as the natural outcome solution where a mistake has been made and it's clear where the responsibility lies, be that with myself or others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get really angry as a joining in into my cultural heritage, where Italians are perceived to be short fused, hot blooded, fiery and for attaching a positive feeling to all these aspects as in belonging to a specific group, excusing therefore myself for not changing because 'that's the way we are', like I can't do anything about it when in fact I can do something about it, like change and stop justifying why this is the best way to operate just because it worked all my life, although I know I have not yet explored alternatives to this behavior that may deliver the same result without my participation in energetic play outs for which, by the way, I have to always end up apologizing instead of avoiding them in the first place, no matter how justified my participation in anger may seem in a specific moment

When and as I see myself triggered into believing something is taking place for which I perceive have been wronged, duped, tricked, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that my usual response to these triggers in the past has been anger, breathe and see how can I deliver the point of my own rights in a non confrontational manner that can bring about a solution, that doesn't need to be energy driven

When and as I see myself thinking 'this anger is plenty justified', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that there is no good reason for needing anger to explain myself or to prove that on an agreement/contractual point I am right, even if and when I become aware that the other person is attempting to blame me for something that it's entirely their responsibility such in the case that took place last night

When and as I see myself wanting to 'give them a piece of my mind', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that mostly there is nothing in my mind worth sharing in a moment where I am on the brink to be overcharged with an energetic possession and that I could explain myself more clearly when not possessed by energetic reactions that drive automated behaviors in me, that don't allow me to see clearly what is going on and what position I must take to direct a point to a solution

When and as I see myself thinking 'see, it worked because I got angry', I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that most times what I had to say just worked because it made sense, because there was a logical approach to it and a fair understanding of the situation and its implication and that the anger point is really just redundant, unnecessary and not at all what sorts things out but something I end up having to apologize for - meaning, was not the right thing to do in any case, in the first place

I commit myself to sort out this point of 'Anger Management' as in using Anger to manage things

I commit myself to remind myself that I have clearly seen into this point and written out this script I can fall back on to direct myself the next time I see myself tempted to use this approach to sort things out

I commit myself to giving up my energetic experiences for the self interest of a short lived high - in favour of a life of substance that works for myself and for all existence, Equal and One

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Day 454: Releasing The Perception of a Suffocating Mother

I have been aware that I need to work on this point for some time, quite unfortunately I am aware that I still tend to learn through consequences or to wait for consequences to make it clear that if I delay more on a point I will timeloop and have to live it again.

This is the case with this perception that I have about my mother, the key work here is 'suffocating/suffocation', this word is so much a key to the way I perceive her that some of my friends are able to pick it up within me as if this is what my mother does - for real-, instead  that that word existing in and as my own experience of my mother, a version of my mother I have created that may even have little or nothing to do with her - we'll see.

So, this perception of being utterly suffocated by this woman goes back a long time, my mother believed in keeping a tight leash on me as I grew up, looking back frankly, quite appropriately, because I grew up in the Bronx of Milan, where drug dealing was the norm and a tiny fruit stall in the square in front of my house, used as a cover up for some illicit affairs, was regularly set on fire by rival gangs.
Let's say it was not the best environment to let a child loose.

My mum was not deeply religious either, as some Italians are, this as well contributed to her perception that she had to do most of the work other mothers leave up to God, so she was fiercely protective of me and she rathered be the one to know where I was at all times than spend a prayer to trust me in the mighty hands of the Divine.

All of these things and many of her energetic outbursts contributed to me associating what I felt when around her to Her personally, never seeing, realizing or understanding that I was the one making associations, defining moments and her within them, moments when I felt uneasy or tense or utterly scared or angry as her doing and not my doing, shifting the responsibility for what happened inside of me onto her - to the point where every emotion that came up within me as a result of interacting with her - I blamed it on her.

So, the relationship with my mother has been characterized by these main character play outs - the victim, the rebel, the rightful, the scorned and of course, last but not least - the suffocated one.

I will now apply one of the tools I have learned walking with Desteni to release the layered energy build ups in relation to this point and what is around it.
By the way I want to  share that since I have been walking with Desteni and have consistently applied the tools, specifically about the relationship with my mother, I have been able to change many of our dynamics, just 2 days ago, when she went beserk over something, I was able to not allow this to blow into a full possession on my side and even though she went into the same blameful dynamic of making me responsible for how she felt over something I said, I did not fuel the progression because I was not as charged as I used to be toward her, which gave me the advantage of holding a space for her to let loose without me loosing myself within in or taking what she was saying personally, so these tools WORK - this is a proven fact.

Self forgiveness is not a magic wand, I know because it didn't make my mother disappear -hehe- what it did for me was giving me space, so instead of living in a convoluted cloud of emotions and feelings and thoughts, I built up space inside of myself and yes, sometimes I fell and still fall and let a fuck off run loose, but then I pick myself up, reassess the point, see why I reacted, where I am still emotional, what I can correct to become more stable and stop blaming others for how I experience myself.

Regarding my mother for example I realized that when 'I loose it' she has nothing to do with it, she is just role playing and every role needs an antagonist. It is when I stopped being the antagonist that I started to create opportunities for change for her as well. Not that this matters because I can't be responsible for her change, or anyone else for that matter, but it shows that what we do affects others, and if we don't stop our role playing, our polarity swinging, our energy building, we'll keep going the same direction we have gone so far, into the hellish existences we have created for each other and have justified because 'she/he did that first/said that first/thought that first and told me to go fuck myself first' and in that we miss the basic point of our collective change -
forgiving means letting go of our idea of a valid retribution/restitution - there won't be any, if we held on to that we would be stuck into these cycles of ex I stance forever more instead of gifting to ourselves and each other the gift to break free, because we never considered before that we may deserve better than what we have created so far and as we do we'll see that everyone else does as well, this is why we have started a movement for-giving to each other the chance to start anew to create ourselves and our futures as something we can be proud of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my emotional world to my mother and to believe she was the one generating emotions inside of me - instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I was the one IN CHARGE, creating all sorts of energies as a consequences of the thoughts I accepted and allowed inside myself about her, her words and her actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and say out loud that my mother is a 'suffocating woman' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was associating my feeling of 'being suffocated' by all the energies that I created and juggled inside myself to her, because she happened to be around at the same time when and while I was creating these experiencing in and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was angry at my mother for the way I felt when I allowed myself to be triggered into an emotional reaction by some words she spoke or things she did that I took personally instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was unable to manage her emotional world and that she was just overflowing what she could no longer contain and that was not personal or meant to harm me but was her pressure valve going off with those closest to her as that's where she felt safest to let loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized by my mother as if she was the abuser and I was the abused, when in fact I have equally abused both myself by participating in emotional possessions and her by copying the same pressure cooker valve system and within this for believing that it was ok to blame her for what I felt and experienced just because she blamed me for what she felt and experienced

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to rebel to her authority to the point that I run away from home when I was 17 just to get away from all the crap and commotion that was going on in my home and for not seeing realizing and understanding that I was reacting to the belief that she was the cause of my own experiences of myself and what I was rebelling against instead of seeing the real cause of my own experience of myself which was me as the Mind and all the conflicting thoughts and beliefs I was trying to manage at the same time that were generating extensive friction and uneasiness inside of me for which my mother had no response-ability at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my  mother for throwing away 20 + years of my life smoking pot because 'if she had not been the asshole that she was' I would never have resorted to 'self medicating' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I conveniently blamed my mother for how I experienced myself because blaming her gave me carte blanche to be a total ass and to reject any responsibility for myself because 'there was this obsessive woman' doing all the work anyway - which meant I was not required to and I could just cruise away as a free spirit and never be the lame woman I came to believe she was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons to criticize my mother as I grew up because I wanted reasons that showed I was right and she was wrong and that the physical repulsion I have developed for her was in fact justified by the very long list of things I accumulated against her - like the terrible shoes she wore even being born in Italy -forgodssake-, the fact that she mismatched the colours that she wore, the fact that she wouldn't wear make up to look good to the point that in my eyes she became this dysmorphic creature born in a family of good looking people, which meant she must have been really evil at heart because beauty=good and she had none of it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was ashamed of my mother because 'she didn't look good' and because I took on from my grandmother this value of being beautiful and groomed and listened to all the criticism my grandma made about my mother, about the way she looked, about the way she thought, about the men she chose that would never stick around long enough to prove she was worthy of a relationship and within this I forgive myself for the shame and the anger I felt when I sat down while my grandmother spoke about my mother in ways that hurt me but kept quiet because I hoped to be in her good books when she would die and leave her money to me and not to such an undeserving woman as my mother was in her eyes, until she was that in my eyes as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dirty and untrustworthy for not standing up for my mum when my grandmother and my grandfather spoke about her like she was just a ball of untamed emotions without seeing realizing and understanding that they too were into the blame game and that my grandmother wanted no responsbility for my mother's feelings of not having been wanted when she abandoned her as a child and so she worked hard to make my mother guilty and undeserving so she could feel better about what she did and within this for allowing myself to copy this behavior of making others guilty for my own feelings and emotions and then trying to belittle them to prove that it was always them at fault and not me in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my mother was not a good mother and that was the reason why I turned out the way I did and for telling her when I gave up pot that I had been addicted for a long time, just so she would know that everything she said and did to me didn't go without consequences, justifying this disclosure as 'explaining myself' so she would stop to take some things personally while in the background I run my little extortion racket where I knew she would move into guilt and I would have my own little revenge while she took on the blame for my own existence so that I could keep on living irresponsibly and not feeling bad about it - because it was her fault if I resorted to pot to manage my own experience of myself - self created - inward generated and outward projected and blamed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted by my mother, strangulated, suffocated, believing she was the one doing this to me, instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that I was a victim of my own mind let loose and never directed and that I used pot to find some breath in between emotional possessions and that I felt ashamed of this vice that I then glorified into a lifestyle and a choice and this made it even more important and vital for me to blame my mother because I was looking for ways to get rid of the shame of my existence and as she blamed her mother and my grandmother blamed her daughter, it seemed a fit choice for me to join in the blame game and blame them both and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the blame game and in construct of superiority and inferiority to try and justify why I was not responsible for the choices I had made and who I had become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I had created an 'Inner Mother' using bits and pieces of the most unpleasant memories that I stored about my relationship with my mother and that I have used this inner Mother as a stick to beat myself up with and a measure to check any of my decision against and that the friction I caused inside myself by living 24/7 with this Inner Mother I myself created, I then blamed it onto my real mother, making her responsible of the inner turmoils I lived relative to the inner dialogues I had between myself and my self created Inner Mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was always the one and only using the rod on myself that I blamed my mother for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my inner mother may say about some decisions I want to make, in fact about any decision I want to make, because, as I realized as a child that I had no power to make my mother happy consistently, I created an internal mother I tried to please at all times, not seeing realizing and understanding that it would be impossible for me to please a character I have created within me using the worst pieces of my relationship with my mother and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this Inner Mother to support my ideas and beliefs about my real mother as being 'bad' as I could bend my own created mother character to take the most despicable stands in my life and then believe that is what my mother would do, given a chance, when in fact I have proved over and over again to myself that the only reason my mother still surprises me is because she refuses to match my own Cruella De Ville fantasy character and she has proved to be way more reasonable than the character I created and kept alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up memories between my real interactions with my mother and my imaginary interactions with the self created mother inside of me until I can always prove that I am right, that I have a point and within this for not giving myself the opportunity to get to know my mother for real, giving her a chance to step out of my imagination to become a physical living being, not giving to her what I am seeking for myself, to stop being puppeettered by myself and others so I can start becoming a real flesh human being and within this I forgive myself for not having given what I want for myself, a life, life as a breathing living being - to my mother and to myself, equal and one

I commit myself to, if and when  a feeling of suffocation, being suffocated, constricted, oppressed comes up in my solar plexus, to stop, breathe, see what it is that has moved energies within me, take responsibility for it and release it through self forgiveness without blaming it on anyone else and in the specific, without blaming it on my mother

I commit myself to release the Inner Mother I have created within and as myself by letting go all of the unpleasant memories that I have stored to design this character in a Cruella De Ville-ish way to prove that I was always right and my mother always wrong - which allowed me to justify my emotional upheavels for which I now commit myself to become response-able and direct them to a correction

I commit myself to, if and when a point of friction comes up between me and my mother, to stop myself from going and playing it out in my mind first to check what my internal fictional Mother would say or do in an attempt to not be surprised and to be in control of my emotions and feelings outcomes, instead I can stop, breathe and communicate with my mother in the real physical world what it is that bothers me and how can we find together a solution that works for both

I commit myself to, if and when my mother should go off the rocket to stop and breathe, to not pick and choose what I will store of what she says to later use against her but to understand it's just an energetic blow up that I don't need to take personally and that doesn't define me in any way - so that I can be a safe space for her to let loose when she can't contain her energetic build up anymore - without being affected by it in any way

I commit myself to for-give to myself and my mother a chance at starting a real relationship based on communication in the present moment about present things and to always seek solutions and not friction in our interaction, fixing this one relationship for good for myself and all of existence, equal and one