Monday, September 22, 2014

Day 449: Rejecting the Positive while Still Afraid of the Negative

Today reading the writings of a friend I realized this point, I had been told to investigate the 'positive thinking' for myself as I had lived so much this doctrine I had physically become it, but when I met Desteni and I understood Positivity as just one of the polarities we live and play out, I just rejected it, trying to create a buffer between myself and it, basically between me and myself.
Did that work? No
On top of this, having rejected the negative for many years diligently, the fear of the negative staid with and as me, so much so that some days I feel as if I have no place to be, stuck between not wanting to be positive and rejecting negativity without clearing myself from my judgements of what is negative, I end up living in a sliver of existence carved out between the two.

So, here I will share my SF for my participation as the rejection of the positive and the fear of the negative experience of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in fear the first time someone told me 'positivity and positive thinking, you have become it', because I was aware that I did not understand in full the implications of this statement and hence I did not know how to move with it to correct myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reject anything that I see as positive, positive thinking, positive projected outcomes believing that if I could distance myself enough from positivity I would have it sorted out, forgetting the point 'you have become it' that I should have dealt with, positivity as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being glad about an outcome or a potential outcome as 'positive' and within this for rejecting the idea of an outcome that may work for myself and others as something not desirable, not to be desired because positive instead of correcting my energetic label about it and see the outcome for what it is, just best for me or best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that since 'I had become it', meaning the very polarity construct of someone seeking the positive, I could balance it out seeking the negative as in what I have defined as negative, calling it 'realism' while in the process missing out the point that I was still in full polarization but just on the other side of the swing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that you are either positive or negative at the core and that there is nothing in between and within this belief for seeking how to live in a tiny space between negativity and positivity, trying to not make waves, not enjoy myself too much (positive) and nor to embrace the world for what it is because it's too sad (negative), finding myself paralyzed at times inside a space that didn't allow myself to see clearly the outcome of a point as I was too busy not being positive and not moving into the negative - to even exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still reject at a physical level any experience of negativity, for reacting to it and for then forcing myself into it as a way to prove to myself that I can be negative because 'I have not become positivity itself' instead of looking at how I have polarized my words and my world and freeing myself from my own definitions so I can start emerging as myself wherever I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define positive the following things, feeling good, having good relationships, making money, having a good life, being involved in the world at a certain level and not just surviving, being good looking and fit and for charging these expressions of myself with a positive energetic experience so much so that when I rejected positivity I moved to reject all the experiences I had myself labeled as positive, cutting myself out from reaching my utmost potential in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I reacted to posting the Principled Life Commitments that I know I want to walk with my group, I was afraid that I could not reach my utmost potential because all my potential was locked into polarized self definitions one way or another (positive or negative) that I would have to unlock before I would be able to access it as self expression and it seemed too daunting to even consider it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people that I define as negative because they touch upon subjects that I have defined as negative or they have an attitude that I have defined as ass-holish and as such, negative, and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am reacting to the self defined energetic content of my own definitions within myself as the mind because by defining negativity as negative, I tend to hop and skip through it whenever I face the experience I defined as 'negativity', its causes and its source, to be done with the experience that I fear as quick as I can, instead of addressing the source point and letting it go by releasing the energetic content and then redefining the label, the word in a self supportive way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a self defined negative event occurs in my life, such as a fight with my mother, to perceive myself as diminished for participating in a negative event, instead of removing my judgement of the event, the fear of the 'negative' label as to empower myself to see what happened for real and make the required corrections

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how much I was missing out stuck between two polarities that I came to believe to be 'evil', living in a constant state of friction within and as myself instead of, when an event takes place, breathe, look at any possible energetic label that exists in and as me relative to the event, release the energetic content and assess what I can do to move myself out of it and find a solution that works for all

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by the perception of being squeezed into a tiny spot, I stop, breathe, look at what I am holding a judgement about within a polarity mindset, release the energetic content in both directions and see how I can move myself from where I am into stability through breathing while I look for the reasons why I am accessing that specific experience so I can correct myself

When and as I see myself trying to assess in automatic if something is positive or negative through how I feel about an event, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that nothing is positive or negative unless it is seen through the limiting eyes of myself as the mind and that I can always find a solution for moving myself out of where I am by removing the energetic definitions of any event and move to look for the common sense practical solution within it

When and as I see myself perceiving myself as lost unless I define something automaticaly within polarity so as to know where to stand, which at this moment has become pretty much nowhere as I squeeze myself in between two impossible, refused charges, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have seen the point of what I do and look for the energetic charges either positive or negative or both that are generating this experience of myself as stuck between a rock and a hard place and correct myself

I commit myself to stop existing as an energy puppet and to reclaim my sovereignty over myself, my life and my own decisions beyond polarities of negative and positive or bad and good by investigating where are the labels, the charges I have submitted myself to that constrict me into a specific stance and to move to removing them with self forgiveness and self corrective application, one by one, until it's done

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Day 446: The Various Dimensions of Name Calling

Do assholes exist? Asshole has been one of my favourite curse words, what I realized yesterday is that name calling of any kind, and that includes any name we use to justify WHY we react to someone so it can be stupid, ignorant, selfish, arrogant, self centered etc, is in fact Hidden Blame.

So I will walk my self forgiveness to bring up on paper how I established this pattern, specifically with my mother and how to release myself from it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are people deserving of a label that absolves me from my responsibility of looking at why and how I reacted in a specific moment, placing the blame on them for 'who and how they are' which I make into a fact within my mind, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just a perception that I use/used to justify why I was right in reacting to them because they 'were wrong' and I was right

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this habit of coming to the desire to call my mother names stems from childhood, when I felt impotent and a victim to her behavior that I perceived as abusive, because when she used specific words and tones I would react and hence made her the source of my experience of myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the only one creating the experience of myself through my own participation in backchat, thoughts and the resulting emotions and she was just the one on which I projected the blame for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always dream of a time when I would not live close to my mother and within this dream, not see realize and understand that I blamed her for my own experience of myself believing that if I did not have to be subjected to her presence and her unstoppable need to provide opinions as facts about me and my life then I would be free and within this for jailing myself into whatever experience arose in me when in the company of my mother instead of applying myself to free myself from this idea/belief so it would not matter where I lived and what she said about me and my life at any given time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take what my mother says personally instead of seeing it as just her own experience of me and her own judgements as a Mind and using what she says as a guideline to my own suppressions and reactive points if and when I see myself react in any way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not look in specificity at moments in which I either wanted to call my mother an asshole or did call her an asshole because it was easier to blame her for my reaction than looking at the core point behind it and correcting myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive people that want to lay their experience and projections on me and come up with all sorts of assumptions about me and my life and the people within it, as assholes instead of looking at what exactly made me react within what they said and in this case for blaming my mother for saying out loud what I had thought about my ex boyfriend anyway that I made OK in my thoughts because 'I am entitled to my own opinion' and then blaming her for her belief that 'she is entitled to her opinion' just because her opinion is about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that she is really an asshole for saying 'I will drive how the fuck I want' when I told her to drive carefully when she decided suddenly to leave, instead of spending the night together as we planned and that I was therefore justified in just saying 'what I thought about her/give her a piece of my mind', instead of looking at the point in self honesty that I had already started accumulating reactions while she was expressing what I deemed as an uncalled-for opinion and that I was just waiting for a point when I could act out my reactions within an excuse that made it ok

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother for always expressing opinions I did not ask for instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I have expressed opinions in my life that I have not been asked for because I held on to my 'right to have my own opinion' about something or somebody and to express it even when I saw that it was escalating into friction and conflict and that I would not be able to direct the outcome if I allowed it to blow out of proportion -just so I could stick to my right to have my own opinion about something or someone while valuing  myself as the mind more than stopping friction and conflict with someone on the spot

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that my ex boyfriend was a free loader and did not contribute as much as he could have to our household but did not take the time to defuse that 'opinion' about him which was just an assumption with no undeniable foundation in physical reality, leaving a sore point open for when someone would express their opinion about it and then believing my reaction was about it and not about my own opinion of what went on that I had not taken the time to walk through, forgive and let go

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid and taken advantage of when my mother said what I had thought out loud and for wanting to give her my opinion about the fact that she was maybe projecting her own relationships on me, so that she would stop being so high and mighty and righteous instead of considering that if I shared a similar experience with my mother or a similar perception of an experience with men as the one of my mother, maybe it was worth looking into it because as we know, we repeat patterns, not necessarily in the physical but for sure patterns of interpretation and assumptions about situations and people we come in contact with in our lives

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'she will get down from her high horse and next time if she doesn't want to be called an asshole she can think twice about expressing her unrequested opinion', making myself right and her wrong and holding on to spite as a way to not have to do anything to walk through the consequences of my stance, no matter what she did or said prior to me saying what I did in an attempt to blame my reactions on her

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking personally what someone expresses is a limitation of myself and my ability to hear what another may contribute to my process and that however they contribute it, be it spitefully or within a projection, according to my perception, I can still walk the point by using the clue they have given me if I don't make it personal but just a mind point, that I can identify through a reaction, to direct to a solution within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to listening to older people, elders, parents and relatives whose lives are clearly fucked up and hence I decided they have nothing of value to contribute to anyone if not the example of what not to do and what not to be and within this for limiting how and from where I can get clues about my mind and my inner workings as I stated that only those that I can see live an example of what they are trying to point out to me, and that would make just about 10 (or less) people in the world, can do so, instead of opening up to anything and anyone as a stairway to my own awareness by looking inside for my own reactions to what is offered, no matter by whom and how it is offered 

When and as I see myself wanting to speak words that are hiding the blame of how I feel and projecting it onto another, I stop, breathe, touch my hands to bring myself back into the physical and to not give in to the feeling that I am missing out/losing on a great opportunity to call someone an asshole or any other name but to see, realize and understand  that I am energetically possessed, even if it doesn't seem so as in a clear energetic reaction I have learnt to decode so far and that I must refrain from speaking while I am reacting at all costs - using any tool I have learnt to create a space to allow myself to investigate the moment and not give into it in automatic preprogrammed behavior - just because this is how I used to deal with such moments in the past

I commit myself to, when I see myself jumping to the thought 'so and so is an asshole, ignorant, arrogant, clueless, evil etc', to forgive my thoughts before I reach for excuses and justifications to why I am entitled to think such thoughts about someone and to then look for the trigger that activated in me the desire to call them names in abdication of my own self responsibility for how I experience myself in and as the mind

I commit myself to when and as I see the word coming up to be spoken automatically to stop, breathe, do not allow myself to speak it but remind myself that I am obviously possessed by the desire to blame another and by some personality systems that I have designed to justify the blame in the process and instead I make the time to go writing down what has been going on within me to defuse my reactions and seek how to redirect my thoughts and emotions in self support to a solution

I commit myself to remind myself that there is no way that giving in to name calling, inside or outside of myself, can support another one and equal as me and to not give in to this habit, no matter how enticing the trigger seems but to use the moment as a clue that something is happening inside of me and must be addressed before I participate further with another in a reactive unsupportive way