Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Day 138: I am NOT a Dirty Lousy Kid, I am ALL The Dirty Lousy Children of The World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I feared other children while I always only feared the experience of me when around strangers and people for which I had not yet developed a fitting Character/personality to interact through and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear interacting with other kids that I did not know because I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to them and feared to be a loser by comparison

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the winner/loser construct as a kid, in which I desired to win by comparison, because losing felt awful and I feared my own acceptance and allowance of the definition of me as a 'loser' and the emotions and feelings to match I would have to live with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself yesterday, when listening to a father telling me that his son at 4 years old told him 'he was a loser' to react with a feeling of dismay and the thought that we are fucked, if at 4 years old now we are already self defined as 'losers' by and through our life experiences that are becoming more and more competitive as the system assures that only a few get through the net of becoming well adjusted and provided for, while the rest of the world, by their own acceptance and allowance through comparison and competition, defined themselves as 'worthy and deserving' to starve, just as planned

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that what I reacted to was the memory of me judging and defining myself as a 'dirty lousy kid' and as such as a loser compared to the kids that did not happen to have lice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the words dirty and lousy to the Rom kids who lived in caravans with their families and were always pointed at as 'the dirty lousy kids' we should fear and as such when I defined myself as a dirty lousy kid, I started to fear myself even further

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the thoughts that came up inside of me toward other kids when I felt cornered into a situation of shame that I could not deny or brush off, such as having found myself standing in the courtyard with a group of others 'dirty lousy kids', some of which were obviously visually dirty and lousy, but by association through lice I became 'dirty and lousy' too, and then I moved into blame seeking for faults in both the 'lousy dirty kids' for 'infecting me' and the 'non lousy dirty kids' attempting to even out my perception of me, which was self created and had no connection to reality at all, and for this I forgive myself, as lice is not the kids "fault" since thay are not taught about it until they get infected by it, but of a faulty system that doesn't care for Life enough to make sure that the sleeping quarters of kids that are ammassed to slip in unsanitary conditions due to Money/budget restrictions, are kept clean and lice free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was more worthy that the Rom's dirty lousy kids because we had a roof over our head, and within this point starting my association with the Money System as a value/Worth system, seeing the ones who had less as the 'dirty lousy' people of existence which we were supposed to fear, because anyone having less would be desiring to have more and within a finite resource system they were a threat to me and my security and therefore to be feared and confined within their poverty, away from the possibility of taking from me what was mine by birthright

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that my own participation within the polarities of existence, of good and bad, right and wrong, positive and negative, supports this system as is, because there cannot be positive without the negative, or right without the wrong or good without bad, and that seeking the positive polarity of every experience of Life through the Money System, means someone will be left out in the cold and No solution will ever be possible until we give up our right for the good, the right and the positive of existence, to equalize ourselves to everything that exits as in our equalization polarities will cease to exist and we will from there be able to create and manifest what is best for All Life always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was that moment of utter shame and disgust for myself when they found out I had lice and had to be confined until the cutting of the hair, as something that I perceived as a sacrifice of a part of me, a piece of me, had to be performed to be readmitted into the group, and then my amputated parts had to be burtn in public for everyone to see, that I had given up my dirtiness and lousiness to belong again and would they please take me back into the group, which was my secret desire that I did not manifest or spoke about as I assumed they had rejected me and would not admit me back having taken this episode as a pint of diminishment of myself and very 'Personal', instead I rejected them and isolated myself as I lived fearing facing their rejection now that I had been exposed as dirty and lousy too

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself in fear of rejection and having to face the experience of shame in relation to rejection, which are both self created within my sick mind, the potential rejection and the shame and yet I lived a life of isolation to not face this point for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the group approval is what makes Life worthy, and since I missed out on the Group approval anticipating their potential rejection, I was not worthy, same as the Rom Dirty Lousy kids, who were not worthy to come to our same schools because sometimes they wore no shoes and this was unacceptable as they did not comply to the demands of the system, failing to see that the system is demanding that we have money to comply to Rules and regulation to be considered acceptable, worthy and welcomed into the group and yet when Money is Not given to All Equally it is through this system of Inequality that we are creating the dirty lousy kids of the World and noone can stand above them since they are our very creation and the manifestation of abuse in every way and form won't stop, until WE STOP.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself in shame, wishing to be someone else, one of the kids who had not been found to be dirty and have lice, wishing to separate myself from myself, not wanting to be there to face that moment of utter shame without support, failing to see that I was looking for my own support that I did not yet know how to give to myself, because as kids we are not taught about the physical and breathing, but live within a system that passes on to kids the mental infirmity of its dwellers as fears as memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions, until kids are crippled and little copies of their parents and unable to support themselves just like the grown ups aren't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was angry at my mother for failing me, for allowing me to get lice by sending me to this fucking summer camps full of dirty and lousy kids to whom I wanted no association with whatsoever as I blamed them to be the source of my shame as I failed to see that only I could generate thoughts, emotions and feelings within myself that culminated in how I experienced myself and that blaming others for how I experienced myself, so I could , hopefully, shift the whole experience of me onto them was not the solution and that I would trap myself in feelings of hopelessness and uselessness until I stood up to own back the experiences of myself as Me and apply Self Correction to STP the experience of me as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at me everytime I experienced shame and believed to be that shame as Who I Am and for projecting my anger onto others trying to make them responsible for how I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make others responsible for the experience of me, for what I accept and allow within myself within the desire to Not Take responsibility for Myself as that seemed impossible since I was blamed by other adults about the way they felt and so I joined into the game, like we all do, as we fail to STOP and OWN UP to our own experiences, stopping the blame and the self blame to just see what is in fact going on and where has this originated from, so within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application I can stop these experiences of me, to stop the past from manifesting inward and outward into this world that is mirroring back what we have accepted and allowed and ultimately BeLieved ourselves and the world to be, until it was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to own someone who would take care of me, for me, such as a boyfriend, a husband and when all else failed, employees, a maid, someone I could pay to do the dirty job of taking care of me, so I would not have to and I could cruise through Life just making money, making Money the objective of my existence to buy myself out of my Self responsibility as THIS is what we are currently using Money for, as our responsibilities are clearly shifted to the Miserable and the Poor who do not have access to the Money system as WE KEEP THEM THERE, as The slaves that will attend to our desire for the right, the positive and the good, living out the polarity we don't wish to live, exactly as Heaven did, leaving Humanity in the Hell of their own Creation, as above so below

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how my participation in and as 'benevolence' was always just a cover up, for my selfish desires to have it good for myself, uncaring about the rest of the World because the rest of the World is Not my responsibility, failing to see that I am a piece of the World manifested and I am Here and as such it must be my responsibility to STOP the existence of me as The Mind and return to the Physical in and as Breath, where Equality and Oneness already exists to show us what are we supposed to aim for, as a system of Equals, Equally supporting Each Other to walk out of the Mind, to restore dignity to Existence and Life as One Breathing Organism, united, indivisible, understanding that doing what is Best for All is best for Me, because any Lousy Dirty Kids in existence is ME and I can never be more than the lowest manifested part of this existence, until I STOP and stand for Life Equal and One.

I commit myself to investigate where and when I see that I separate myself from a physical manifestation within existence, to look for the source of my separation within my Mind, so I can Self Correct myself until I no longer exist in Fear as Separation from the Whole

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing memories of the past of my Life experience to determine who and what I am and what I can or cannot do as I walk to deconstruct myself all the way to nothingness because it's only on a clean slate that we will be able to rewrite a world as us that is Best for All in Equality and Oneness

I commit myself to stand for the kids of this existence every time I see an opportunity to interact with them to STOP myself as the indoctrination of New Life into a system of Abuse as Self Abuse, made of judgements, ideas and opinions that we keep passing on regardless of the fact that we are living the physical evidence that our knowledge and information is in fact flawed, or it would NOT have created a flawed world such as the One we live in

I commit myself to support myself as the physical, to keep stopping myself from going into the Mind, understanding that I am walking a process in which I have to be patient with myself and that I can see I have gained more space for myself as Breath during the day as I write myself out of all the bullshit of my existence that I believed to be 'Life" and that I must not allow discouragement as it took me a long time to automate myself into ready personalities and Characters that I can just step into so as to not have to in fact assess my participation in each and every moment of Breath, but I see that this awareness of ourselves in and as Breath is what is required for Change, as Change won't happen in and as The Mind, since the Mind is what we are living out into this utter disgrace, and to STOP the Mind we won't be able to THINK about how to STOP IT, but we will have to walk away from it, Breath by Breath as we correct ourselves on the Way Out, to bring about a World that is Best for All in Equality and Oneness in the Physical as Breath.

I committ myself to support myself to Change to stop my participation in and as the Mind, so that as I stand as the Self Correction of the inequality I have become, to allow another brick of the system to move back into and as the support of a New System that will support All Life Equally, as the Equal Money System, and to give up what I Self Honestly don't need to support this Change with Money, as I see, realize and understand that it would be foolish to believe that we can Change a Money System without Money or to not recognize that Money is the way through which we are voting this World in place, by our very own decision, acceptance and allowance of letting the System be ruled by a Free Market Economy, deciding that nothing but our desires should be shaping the World, and yet we fail to see that moving only towards our desires is leaving someone without their needs fulfilled as they starve homeless to bring into the World other Dirty Lousy Kids they cannot care for, for which we are All Responsible and One and Equal to, as we have to remind ourselves that since we are ONE, the Delusion that the lowest parts of Creation are separate from Us, it's just that, an Utter Ridiculous Delusion of Our Sick Divisive Mind.

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