Day 152: The Untouchables & The Cougar

Among the jobs I have been trying out to make some money to support myself, one is therapeutic massage.

So far I had 3 men coming, one is my ex of 25 years ago, and one my caretaker and his friend.

My ex had warned me that the word 'massage' in Italy is loaded with double entendre because many ladies coming from poor countries and having to find a way to make a living have imported 'massage' as the /code word' for sex. Of course I took into no account what he said because I don't like this vision of the world where men ONLY think about sex, even when they have a crippling neck pain to fix, resorted to a make belief 'common sense' about needs (to fix a painful spot) over urges (sex) and went about my 'business'.

A few turn of events since then: the caretaker is 'fixed' but he told me that 'he likes me' I did not address the point as it came out as a joke that I could avoid to address, his friend felt that since I have touched his naked back he could ask me if I had lesbian experiences, the third one that I ventured on, the guy who is selling my home and told me he had a very bad pain in the back to which I replied 'if you want I can give you a massage', has disappeared and has been avoiding me consistently.

The last time he had a message for me he asked the secretary to call me, having read my 'give you a massage' as a cougar on the attack and trying to shy away from it.

This is My thought obviously which gave me a feeling of shame, so I went about trying to fix this because we had a nice relationship going and he would sometime come up for coffee, so I wrote him an sms to tell him something about a missed appointment and then wrote 'if you are advertising for me for therapeutic massage to men, stop, there is something flawed in the Italian men's mind when the word 'massage' comes up', trying to blame him for how I experienced myself as a cougar on the attack, he did not reply, which basically expanded the feeling that I was pathetic and made the situation worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face that we have a deep problem going on between men and women that leads to miscommunication that are sex laced even when we do not intend to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that if a man is oiled into a massage by a woman on his naked back, he may not be able to stop his sexual thoughts due to the oversexualized system we live in and that unless I take responsibility for the possible consequences of this happening, I should move on to doing something else instead of insisting that they 'do not do that thing they do in their mind and just 'control themselves'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and stupid because by offering a massage to this guy I believe I have exposed myself to be seen as a 'cougar on the attack' and for perceiving that I lost any credibility as a 'good woman' now that these unspoken thoughts have entered our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame men because everything that goes on between men and women turns into sex in their mind, instead of seeing and realizing we were all preprogrammed into an over-sexualized world and now we are walking the consequences of not having addressed the point that sex is always in the way of communication between men and women because we have done nothing to change the way we communicate with each other and come clean about these problems we have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended at how this guy reacted by disappearing and for taking it personally, instead of seeing and realizing he is trying to avoid a potential point of conflict that has arisen between us, due to me using the word 'massage' in a country where 'massage' has become synonymous with sex, just because I don't want to face the reality of how things are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because this guy is avoiding me, meaning that he is scared that I would make a pass at him as in sex, meaning he doesn't want to have sex with me and this makes me feel diminished as old and no longer attractive, even if having sex with him was in no way in my mind when I offered the massage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I believed I was the cause of having created this friction, situation of dis-ease, instead of just seeing I have misused a word without considering the consequences and I did not correct myself when I saw that when I spoke the word "massage", he went into immediate tension and uneasiness as we were drinking coffee together but I hoped it would go away when he would have time to 'think about it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a 'come back' at him, to blame him for what I believe is going on in his Mind on which I have no control, because I believe that the reason why I experience myself the way I feel has to do with what goes on in his Mind that I wanted to correct instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is what is going on in My Mind that I need to correct and STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this new character as 'The Therapeutic Masseuse' that believes to have "carte blanche" to cross over the cultural and gender problems we have, instead of seeing that a New Character cannot correct old beliefs, but I have to dig out what are the beliefs that separate us as Men and Women and take responsibility for my words and the consequences they create

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to belittle this guy by telling him 'there is something wrong in the Mind of Italian Men -you included-' so I can avoid to take responsibility for my words spoken out of the desire to expand my 'client' base and not in consideration of another as an Equal, having the same Equal problems that I have going on in my mind regarding relationship with men and hidden sexuality charges

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this play out because I want to only consider the point that I REALLY was not looking for sex and I have been misunderstood, instead of seeing my responsibility as the words I have spoken without consideration for the consequences they could have within the moment I shared with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not address this point when I perceived this guy had moved into a state of uncomfortability because I lacked the words to bring this point up and as he became uncomfortable I became ashamed and retreated in myself into the Character 'what kind of woman do you think I am?', such as a woman wanting sex out of context with a married guy much younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I went through this experience of myself through my own self judgement about 'the kind of woman I would like to be and be perceived as' such as NOT a woman molesting younger men for sex and that it is because I believe that this is what He thought about me that I built this all castle of cards that built up into my desire to rectify the situation just so I ended up feeling more pathetic than before I tried to manipulate my way out of how I felt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about 'what he thought about me' and for fearing 'his new judgement of me as a sex crazed cougar in disguise' and that based on this ass-umption I made in my mind I moved myself into an energetic reaction for which I did not want to take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for this energetic reaction because I wanted to insist on my innocence throughout this exchange which doesn't make me responsible in my mind 'because I am not the one who started it', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that who started doesn't matter and that I have to take care of my energetic reactions and participation in and as the Mind to correct myself to do my part to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to correct myself for each point in which I participate in and as an energetic reaction not allowing myself to justify myself with 'I did not start this' or "I Really didn't mean it the way they took it''

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving into a state of uncomfortability regarding a point, to stop, write myself out so as to not build up bullshit that I then act out on just so I keep the damage going in my clumsy attempts at 'damage control'

I commit myself to, when and as i see myself that something is bothering me, to not discount it because 'it's not my fault if someone took what I said the wrong way' but to investigate why am I reacting and taking personally someone else's reaction toward me and my words and to correct myself for my own reactions

I commit myself to, before I speak, consider the implications of the moment and the consequences of my words and the impact of my words on others, see that I am clear and only then speak, because words Matter and I commit myself to realign my words to become substantial and an expression of who I am and not the blabbering of consequence free characters made up by my own imagination. 

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Day 134: Gender Hatred - Self Forgiveness

Anaclasis – A Haunting Gospel of Malice & Hatred (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I read that another woman has been attacked with acid throwing by her former lover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel entitled to hate men that violate women because I am a woman and I have to stand by my 'gender'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and to say that some men should be hanged by their balls and left there to die, failing to see that I have been and still am participating and fueling the same gender hatred I blame men for, and that there is no difference in hatred just because one seems 'justified hatred' while the other doesn't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because we do not go as low as such acts of violence and abuse as men seem capable of, instead of realizing both genders are a product of a sick society of fear and hatred and there is no difference but in the expression of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aways look for the points through which I can up a man to prove that I am better than them and would never go as low as they do with their expression of violence and hatred toward women, instead of realizing that desiring to diminish another to prove that I am better is an act of hatred and violence that has just not become physical yet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the toxicity we show to each other within relationships is who we really are and that it will never change because men are just basically bastards and they would do anything they can to put a woman down, instead of realizing I have done the same within my gender wars to make sure I would come out on top

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such relationships have a future as long as we hide and sugar coat the hatred for each other well enough, instead of seeing that we have to draw a line and STOP because we have gone as far as we could with gender hatred and it's time to put down the weapons, forgive the past and redefine how we want to relate to each other in a way that is supportive for who we are as life and as Honourable as the World we wish to see manifest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'men are stupid' because women can scheme and manipulate more efficiently than men, which could in fact be one of the very sources of the hatred men feel for us and then suppress as they get the manipulation point but not how we do it in the specific, which leaves them with a sense of frustration that bottled up leads to hatred and violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because they don't throw acid on a man's face, instead of seeing and realizing that each gender hits the other through what we perceive is their assets, so as men try to take away women's beauty as their market value, women go for their money as their market value, they just go about it when possible 'the legal way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the hatred and the fear that I felt for men within my life because that would not be 'ladylike' to dig up and look at as denial for women was always recommended, instead of seeing that we are mirroring each others' hatred which is ultimately our self hatred for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become while seeking for friction to keep this demented 'Energetic' creation in place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that rape is a result of a society in which sex has become a weapon just like everything else we engage with, and that we need to address everything that we have accepted and allowed because this Creation is tainted and damaged by our self Hatred that is manifesting through every possible Mean, from sexual to physical to verbal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when men blame women after they beat them or violate them seeking for excuses for the hatred that played out and they were not able to contain, instead of seeing that we blame men for the hatred that we feel for them and we do not manifest in the same ways

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that confining human expression to Genders leads to hatred for the expressions one believes to not have access to that belongs to the other gender and that one point we need to address is the self expression suppressed within our 'gender confinments' to allow any gender to express outside of our defined 'gender boundaries' to stop all suppressions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gender hatred because it was easy to direct my self hatred on the 'opposite sex' as the perfect way to put a space between myself and my projected hatred and because men always seemed to give us so many good reasons for it that it was hard to resist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the hatred that has been plaguing our genders in the relationship with each other because I perceived and defined men as the one having all the power, as in the Money/Survival power, instead of seeing and realizing that as I felt justified to hate them for the power I perceived they had, they felt justified to hate us for the power They perceived we have as the power to give birth to another life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that having split Us and Them into our different Perceived Powers within this World would lead to competition and comparison from which only one can come out as the Winner, and that to heal our relationships we have to stop competing and comparing what we have that they don't have and what they have that we don't have and instead accept our different expression as Life that doesn't make anyone of Us More or Less than another but just different in the Expression of Life that we Equally share

I commit myself to no longer react to news regarding this outbreak of violence against women as I work to equalize myself to men, outside of gender roles and preconceived gender based ideas, opinions and beliefs

I commit myself to stop my Gender hatred as I see realize and understand that it is not a Gender hatred but our Fears and self Hatred that we are manifesting on Each other that must be Healed and brought back to Self so we each can address the source as the thoughts that lead to the feelings and emotions that end up in expressions of violence and abuse

I commit myself to no longer support the Us and Them of this existence as it is not possible to be One if we cannot even overcome our perceived Gender Differences, and upholding a line to divide Men and Women is just an idea of separation within which we lose ourselves and forget that We are One and that anything that stands in the Way of the One as Self must be Healed and released, so we may come together as Life and What is best for All and return Home Here within the physical in the simplicity of Breath, for Ourselves and All of Existence, Equal and One

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Day 52: The Price of Inequality

I have been walking this point of Gender Inequality for some time now because I see it has been one of my favourite friction points that I have used to make myself feel more than men, while all the while fearing to be less, less in everything, included worth, just by birth.

For a couple of days I have been seeing a realization coming up about my beliefs of being a seductress and thus having All The Blame, in what went on between me and men, basically NOT giving them Equal Responsibility for our Relationships.

Funny because while I felt bad about it, I also felt MORE than them, first because I had the power to create such mess All By Myself and then because I was willing to take All The Blame.

What I missed about all this anger that I have carried for so many years against men about Them Always Having It Easy from Cradle to Grave and how we had to fight for Equality, was that this fight was only going on within and as myself, having accepted and allowed the beliefs of my culture about women vs men to become me, imprinting myself with the knowledge of our inferiority in everything from strength to wages (which was the biggest pisser), just to then turn into a Feminist in Garters, to show them who was Boss, through the Game of Sex and Seduction, ironic how I believed I was in charge of THAT at least !

 

The price of this was, that since I had become unwilling to give Men Equality within relationships in my balancing act attempting to not be squashed by the gender stereotype, where I had to be Boss, I ended up not even giving them the Equal responsibility of our mess ups.

You can't have your cake and eat it, want to be Boss ? Then it's all Your Responsibility, or you can become an Equal, and share the power and the responsibility.

It is the same in our world, we either stop to be more than others to become Equals or we have to pay the Price of our Choice, carry it all, the Blame and the Responsibility, instead of standing as Life One and Equal, sharing the World and our responsibility to ourselves and What is best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for our gender inequalities, instead of seeing we are both born out of a system that designed us to play specific gender roles and no one is faulty or blamable but both responsible for standing in and as the Change to equalize ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and their power that I have believed to be greater than the power of women, instead of seeing I am always responsible for the dis-placement of my power outside of myself in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in having fucked men around, because I saw this pride trait in men and I associated it with the greater power I believed they had over women, and  copycatted them to be like them, greater than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make men suffer for the faults of all men in the history of mankind and what they did against women, Instead of seeing the point of self responsibility and how since the beginning of time we have given it our power away within and as the 'idea and belief of the Stronger Man'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for all my gender play outs, instead of seeing I have been acting out my predesigned life and the stance I took within the role and design I accepted and allowed myself to play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the role they played within the world system, instead of seeing both genders as the twisted design born out of separation into inequalities and fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men as my main point of friction, in which I would get a feeling of a high in and when I could 'beat them' within words to make myself feel more while I participated endlessly within the inferiority and superiority construct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that I could never get what I was not willing to give and that not giving men Equal responsibility for our mutual fuck ups was my desire to not recognize their Equality to me and therefore I have never got to experience Equality within my relationship with Men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Blame men for the Inequality I believed existed due to their having been born in a situation/position of privilege, instead of realizing that it was the Equality that I was not willing to share within our responsibility for the way our Relationships turned out that led me to experience Inequality at every level of every relationship with men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my issues of Inequality outside on the easy target of gender, instead of seeing I was living Inequality as me, within me and that I would never be able to experience what I was not giving to myself first as Self as One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see that I could NEVER get what I was not willing to give and for NOT giving what I desired to have to myself and to everyone Equally

I commit myself to walk the giving of everything I perceive I lack to myself first and foremost, to bring myself into Equality and Oneness with myself as Self as One and Equal, Stopping all the Blame for what I am not experiencing on the outside, because anything that I am not yet living or experiencing is because I have not yet given it to myself, as One as Equal, As Life and everything that exists.