Day 161: The Scarlet Letter

This Post is Private
Published on the Desteni Website under Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 160 - I Have My Reasons for Cheating!

This Blog is Private

It's published on the Desteni Forums under JourneytoLife

Day 152: The Untouchables & The Cougar

Among the jobs I have been trying out to make some money to support myself, one is therapeutic massage.

So far I had 3 men coming, one is my ex of 25 years ago, and one my caretaker and his friend.

My ex had warned me that the word 'massage' in Italy is loaded with double entendre because many ladies coming from poor countries and having to find a way to make a living have imported 'massage' as the /code word' for sex. Of course I took into no account what he said because I don't like this vision of the world where men ONLY think about sex, even when they have a crippling neck pain to fix, resorted to a make belief 'common sense' about needs (to fix a painful spot) over urges (sex) and went about my 'business'.

A few turn of events since then: the caretaker is 'fixed' but he told me that 'he likes me' I did not address the point as it came out as a joke that I could avoid to address, his friend felt that since I have touched his naked back he could ask me if I had lesbian experiences, the third one that I ventured on, the guy who is selling my home and told me he had a very bad pain in the back to which I replied 'if you want I can give you a massage', has disappeared and has been avoiding me consistently.

The last time he had a message for me he asked the secretary to call me, having read my 'give you a massage' as a cougar on the attack and trying to shy away from it.

This is My thought obviously which gave me a feeling of shame, so I went about trying to fix this because we had a nice relationship going and he would sometime come up for coffee, so I wrote him an sms to tell him something about a missed appointment and then wrote 'if you are advertising for me for therapeutic massage to men, stop, there is something flawed in the Italian men's mind when the word 'massage' comes up', trying to blame him for how I experienced myself as a cougar on the attack, he did not reply, which basically expanded the feeling that I was pathetic and made the situation worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face that we have a deep problem going on between men and women that leads to miscommunication that are sex laced even when we do not intend to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that if a man is oiled into a massage by a woman on his naked back, he may not be able to stop his sexual thoughts due to the oversexualized system we live in and that unless I take responsibility for the possible consequences of this happening, I should move on to doing something else instead of insisting that they 'do not do that thing they do in their mind and just 'control themselves'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and stupid because by offering a massage to this guy I believe I have exposed myself to be seen as a 'cougar on the attack' and for perceiving that I lost any credibility as a 'good woman' now that these unspoken thoughts have entered our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame men because everything that goes on between men and women turns into sex in their mind, instead of seeing and realizing we were all preprogrammed into an over-sexualized world and now we are walking the consequences of not having addressed the point that sex is always in the way of communication between men and women because we have done nothing to change the way we communicate with each other and come clean about these problems we have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended at how this guy reacted by disappearing and for taking it personally, instead of seeing and realizing he is trying to avoid a potential point of conflict that has arisen between us, due to me using the word 'massage' in a country where 'massage' has become synonymous with sex, just because I don't want to face the reality of how things are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because this guy is avoiding me, meaning that he is scared that I would make a pass at him as in sex, meaning he doesn't want to have sex with me and this makes me feel diminished as old and no longer attractive, even if having sex with him was in no way in my mind when I offered the massage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I believed I was the cause of having created this friction, situation of dis-ease, instead of just seeing I have misused a word without considering the consequences and I did not correct myself when I saw that when I spoke the word "massage", he went into immediate tension and uneasiness as we were drinking coffee together but I hoped it would go away when he would have time to 'think about it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a 'come back' at him, to blame him for what I believe is going on in his Mind on which I have no control, because I believe that the reason why I experience myself the way I feel has to do with what goes on in his Mind that I wanted to correct instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is what is going on in My Mind that I need to correct and STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this new character as 'The Therapeutic Masseuse' that believes to have "carte blanche" to cross over the cultural and gender problems we have, instead of seeing that a New Character cannot correct old beliefs, but I have to dig out what are the beliefs that separate us as Men and Women and take responsibility for my words and the consequences they create

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to belittle this guy by telling him 'there is something wrong in the Mind of Italian Men -you included-' so I can avoid to take responsibility for my words spoken out of the desire to expand my 'client' base and not in consideration of another as an Equal, having the same Equal problems that I have going on in my mind regarding relationship with men and hidden sexuality charges

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this play out because I want to only consider the point that I REALLY was not looking for sex and I have been misunderstood, instead of seeing my responsibility as the words I have spoken without consideration for the consequences they could have within the moment I shared with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not address this point when I perceived this guy had moved into a state of uncomfortability because I lacked the words to bring this point up and as he became uncomfortable I became ashamed and retreated in myself into the Character 'what kind of woman do you think I am?', such as a woman wanting sex out of context with a married guy much younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I went through this experience of myself through my own self judgement about 'the kind of woman I would like to be and be perceived as' such as NOT a woman molesting younger men for sex and that it is because I believe that this is what He thought about me that I built this all castle of cards that built up into my desire to rectify the situation just so I ended up feeling more pathetic than before I tried to manipulate my way out of how I felt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about 'what he thought about me' and for fearing 'his new judgement of me as a sex crazed cougar in disguise' and that based on this ass-umption I made in my mind I moved myself into an energetic reaction for which I did not want to take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for this energetic reaction because I wanted to insist on my innocence throughout this exchange which doesn't make me responsible in my mind 'because I am not the one who started it', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that who started doesn't matter and that I have to take care of my energetic reactions and participation in and as the Mind to correct myself to do my part to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to correct myself for each point in which I participate in and as an energetic reaction not allowing myself to justify myself with 'I did not start this' or "I Really didn't mean it the way they took it''

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving into a state of uncomfortability regarding a point, to stop, write myself out so as to not build up bullshit that I then act out on just so I keep the damage going in my clumsy attempts at 'damage control'

I commit myself to, when and as i see myself that something is bothering me, to not discount it because 'it's not my fault if someone took what I said the wrong way' but to investigate why am I reacting and taking personally someone else's reaction toward me and my words and to correct myself for my own reactions

I commit myself to, before I speak, consider the implications of the moment and the consequences of my words and the impact of my words on others, see that I am clear and only then speak, because words Matter and I commit myself to realign my words to become substantial and an expression of who I am and not the blabbering of consequence free characters made up by my own imagination. 

Related articles

• Day One Hundred and Forty-Four: A Journey into Life, 'Repulsed by Male Sexuality' Character
• Day 85: Manipulation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 86: Manipulation Character Self Forgiveness Statements continued...
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF

Day 146: Judging Myself, the Hows and Whys - Morality

Since I am just switching Characters at the moment and far from alive yet, I can only be judging myself through a Character for the Characters I play.

So the judging Character is the Judge, which needs supporting Roles to go on his missions, the supporting Characters of my Judge are my Morality Character, my Compare and Compete Character, My Inferiority and Superiority play out Characters, these two just swap on a swing, they kinda live together.

One point that I saw today is that unless I compare and compete, I could never access judgement because judgement is by definition through comparison, so whatever stick I use to measure myself against, there is a measuring as comparison and competition going on, or there could never be self judgement or judgement

Self Judgement supported by my Morality Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace this world in polarity as what is right and what is wrong and for defining every information I take on board through the eyes of my previously accepted Morality definitions of right and wrong, which I have filed as information that I use to compare myself against, to assess if I am doing something 'right' or 'wrong' so I can determine which experience I have to embody that is consistent with my own judgement, if I believe I did something wrong I will align with feeling bad about myself as in guilt, shame and then blame to relieve myself of both and if I believe I did something right I will align with self righteousness, superiority and feeling good about myself and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to participate in the emotions of guilt and shame and the experience of self righteousness and superiority as it it was me as Who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that the Morality Code I use to Judge myself is a construct of my own making, because most of the Morality information have been passed on from generation to generation but I have been the one accepting them as True and aligning myself and my experience of living to my self defined Morality stick o that I could always assess if I am right or wrong and thereafter access the related emotions and feelings, in a closed loop that once I boarded I believed I was unable to step down from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a 'right and wrong' as I heard soo many times that we have to teach children 'right from wrong' as we make each other stupid and paralyzed into belief systems instead of teaching that Life is Equal and One and allow Common sense of Equality and Oneness to develop for each one without rules that can never fit every situation in life, as life is moving and every point has to be assessed for itself in self honesty for what would be Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'bad' when I believe I have done something wrong, according to my own accepted and allowed morality system, instead of seeing and realizing that self judgement is NOT in fact self correction and that when I see myself judging myself I have to stop, Breathe, assess in self honesty if what I did that is causing me to participate within self judgement is system wrong or was Not Best for All, if system wrong I need to find what I have stored as the original instruction in my right and wrong morality book and self correct to equalize myself to it, if it is Not Best for All, I can stand up forgive myself and correct myself to realign to what is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I judge myself as bad with the desire to justify myself because I don't like the way I experience myself when I believe I made a mistake, because I have this idea that 'good people' do not make such mistakes as the ones I make, and so I move into the judgement of me as a 'bad person' and from there I desire to, first justify myself and then see how can I share the blame or how can I blame in full someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to blame and sharing blame in fear of how I will experience myself if the Judge in me will Rule that I AM WRONG and BAD, as I believe that the wave of shame that I feel every time I make a mistake is just too much for me to endure and that I don't know how to stop that experience of myself, instead I can stop, breathe and return to the physical to stabilize myself and walk through the unpleasant experience to delete it with self forgiveness and self correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire as a kid that my little cousin would be blamed too, as I perceived there was blame on me in my family, which I believed was the cause of my feelings of guilt and shame, while his family looked at him like the apple of their eyes, and so I would throw his toys out of the balcony and then wait for the mother to come and get angry at him, because in my mind that way, I would see someone else being blamed and judged, and I could feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, due to the extensive self judgement I lived with, desire to see others being blamed and judged when I was a kid, and to feel a sense of elation when it was someone else and not me at the mercy of our Educators/Parents as I felt better about myself because among us all that could be judged and picked out, shamed ad made to feel guilty, it was not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was bad for holding secret desires as a kid to see other kids judged and condemned as wrong/bad so that I would not have to feel so bad about myself for my own self judgements and self condemnation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to teach kids the 'right and wrongs' of our ways that define what a Good person is all about, robbing the newly arrived on the planet of their chance for common sense in favour of a system of morality that defined the rights and wrongs of existence up to the minutest detail without any common sense but just so to make sure noone would ever challenge the system or they would be made to feel 'wrong and bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself through my Morality Character using memories as thoughts of other times in my life when I did better, spoke better, wrote better, within the sense of what is right and what is wrong, as I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken on memory lane by my Morality Character and shown moment of my Life where I was apparently a better person that I am now, so I would be able to compute how much I failed and fell into the cracks of my own mistakes as 'wrongs', when if I slow down I can see that most of the memories that come up in my Mind as my own bashing tool are manipulated and huge chunks of 'what really happened' are missing to fit the agenda of Each of my Characters while I just board the ride to self judgement as 'the way things are'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that all my self judgements based on 'Morality', come from a memory as a thought, in which I compare myself to what I am doing to what I SHOULD be doing if I were a good person -while I am not - and for failing to see that this System Morality always leads to the same place, to make sure that I do not change because the burden of self judgements as My Morality Code is just too big to shake off and that if in fact I am a good person I must LIVE with it, as the consequence of my life, words, thoughts and actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to escape my self judgement I have to do the Moral/Right thing, which is to judge myself for my wrong doing, because if I do not AT LEAST judge myself where is my goodness and my morality, instead of seeing and realizing that this self judgement is standing in the way of my change and that I must let go of my desire to be good as the Morality Character in fear of my own self judgement to be able to stand for what is best for All without restraints

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying self forgiveness to all the events in my Life that I see as the source and files that I use against myself when I step into the Judge Character because I have judged Self Forgiveness like Forgiveness as the 'Easy Way Out' of my perceived 'wrong doings' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Self Forgiveness is no Way Out and is not at all a Cop Out, it's just me giving myself another chance to stand in Oneness and Equality and stop the Self Abuse as Self Judgement as the point in which I feel like shit but I get to at least feel self righteous for judging myself mercilessly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge self forgiveness as the eraser that will lift me from my responsibility as consequence of my life, because within the Morality Character and the Moral Judge of myself this is not acceptable as I have judged responsibility for consequence as suffering and I have resisted giving up my suffering because then I won't be a good person anymore as I have embraced suffering as the Right Punishment bestowed on myself by my Judge Character in my desire to be Good and doing what is Right and Just

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate Justice with Punishment, because our World system promotes punishment as Justice instead of Self Correction, with the result that I have been punishing myself as I embraced the sentences of the court of my own Judge as myself as Guilty as Charged, and yet I failed to see that I was the one setting the Charges, the Judgements and the Punishments, and as such I can let it go because realigning myself to Oneness and Equality cannot come from my suffering and punishment but only through my Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some punishment in our Justice system are not harsh enough, because as I punished myself harshly for every mistake I believed I made or every wrong choice I believed took, so should the system, as leniency only shows weakness and as we know, spare the rod, spoil the child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my own self judgement as the punishment of myself for my careless life that I have judged as mostly 'wrong' through my Morality Character, instead of seeing and realizing I have been lost in a Character Play with other Characters and that correcting ourselves will come through unconditional self forgiveness first, because it' s only through remitting our sins that we can remit everyone's sins and this is how self forgiveness will work inward and outward until we live in a for-giving world for All and no longer in a for-getting world, where we forgot our self responsibility to our Self and all of Existence Equal and One

When and as I see myself attempting to, about to, or already making judgements about myself through my Morality Character, I Stop, Breathe, remind myself that I have seen how this plays out and why, breathe myself back Here into the Physical until I let go of the desire/need to judge myself

When and as I see myself attempting to, about to, or already making judgements about myself based on what is right and wrong, I stop, Breathe, investigate what beliefs/definitions am I holding regarding a particular point that I have charged negatively as in 'Wrong' or positively as in 'Right', so I can write it out to investigate its origin and correct myself through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application

When and as I see myself desiring to be right, fearing to be wrong and the judgement of myself as wrong, I stop, Breathe, look at what it is that I am fearing as my own potential self judgement, so I can release the fear and dig into my experience to find the origin of my judgements of 'potential wrong' and release it through Self forgiveness and self corrective application

I commit myself to stop my own self judgements as I see realize and understand that when I judge myself I actually believe I have done my part, as I have learnt from religion, that once I say 'I am wrong' I do feel devalued BUT I am now back to being Good and Right by my own admission of being wrong and bad, and that this is not effective to Correct myself until I in fact DO correct myself through self forgiveness and self corrective application AND Change myself in the physical

I commit myself to no longer participate in self judgements based on Morality in which I use one Character as support for another that can stand as a Judge to the actions, thought, words and deeds of my other Characters, but to consistently bring myself back Here To Stop this Character play Once and for All

I commit myself to flag myself for the self judgements of me that may come up automatically that I can identify through an emotion of guilt or shame, breathe, and investigate how and why I reacted so I can clear myself and equalize myself to my experiences to see where and how I need to change so I can script my correction to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

Related articles

• Day 94: Morality Character
• Day 96: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements
• Day 97: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements
• Day 98: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements continued 3...
• Day 99: Morality Character Self-Commitment statements
• Day 100: Morality Character Self-Commitment statements continued 2...
• Day 101: Morality Character Self-Commitment statements continued 3...
• Day 119: Suppression Character
• Day 119: Suppression Character Self forgiveness statements

Day 137: Step Back Dirty Lousy Kid

I don't know yet how this memory is connected to the 'Good Master' memory, yet after I wrote the blog the other day it kept popping up, from wayyyy back, an episode that I could hardly remember, amazingly so since it must have taken me extensive effort to suppress it for life and put it away somewhere well hidden within my filing system.

The memory is of when I went to summer camp and I got lice. I did not like to go to summer camps as I missed my mum and I did not like to interact with kids I did not know, which were all of them as I got to summer camp without knowing anybody at all.

Private Summer camps were a novelty in Italy, the Government ones were started by Mussolini, to allow parents without means to send their kids to the seaside on Government expense and lasted all the way throughout the seventies, until one lousy government after another kept taking money out of the till until there was nothing left for social policies.

My mum worked for General Electric, she was a happy slave there since GE provided an absolutely unheard of lifestyle, she had moved there from another avant-garde company called Olivetti, those Companies that were born in the 70es believed that the well being of their employees was crucial for the good functioning of the system, these were the golden years of employment, employers offered benefits to keep their good and loyal employees, until they understood that they did not have to do that, making them FEAR to not be able to support themselves and starve to death could replace all benefits and make them save plenty money, and yes, fuck the well being too.

So, I went to one of General Electric summer camps for a few years in a row, I staid 2 turns, everywhere my mum could send me for summer as long as possible she would do so, to keep me off the streets. I particularly hated staying for 2 terms as that meant I would see the first turn of kids leave after 2 weeks to return home, got to wave them bye bye as they boarded the bus all neat and cleaned up to be returned to their parents, and would stay behind with just a few 'lucky ones' waiting for the second turn load to arrive.

I seem to remember this was my first year at summer camp, my time at summer camp was spent shuffling around and crying myself to sleep in the big rooms we shared with lots of kids as those rooms reeked of orphanages pictures I had seen and imagined, I used to write home, in every letter I would write 'don't forget to come and pick me up', as the fear of never returning home was something I lived with during the whole stay, every year, everywhere I went, this was due to twice having been forgotten due to a misunderstanding between my mum and somebody else supposed to come and pick me up, a stain that tainted the trust in my mother to effectively remember about me when I was out of sight, I used to write as well 'wait to have fun until I come back', for the rest I was forbidden to write 'I miss you like hell 'and why the fuck did you put me here with these kids I don't even know where I am lined up and asked to do 'social activities' like learning songs and basically be puppetered around against my will and my desire to just be left alone". The Minders told me that this would upset my mum too much and make her sad.

My mum wrote to me every day, she would put a candy for me in every letter and I felt luckier than the other kids because everyday when they called for the mail I had a letter, while other kids did not and that was just about the only upper hand I managed to have during my whole stay. A meagre satisfaction

For the rest I was not particularly graceful as I was always taller than the other girls, did not have feminine or fashionable clothes or anything that made me stand out, which gave me a sense of being inferior to other girls and all the kids in general.

When I went to summer camps with the nuns, they played for us Albinoni's Adagio' which in my memory is the saddest, most tragic music I have ever heard and always moved me to tears before sleeping even when I was much older. The careful Merciful Choice of the frustrated Nuns, I always saw that music played to make us sleep as a point of Child Abuse as many of us sniffed our way through all the tune until we fell asleep.

SO back to first year in summer camp, not fitting in, scared of all the other kids, and during my first year, first turn, I got lice.

This event was a shocker, while we were waiting to go through the combs of the nurse, someone said that only dirty kids had lice and I remember sitting there hoping and praying that I was not one of them. But I was. I do not have specific memories of how they organized to separate us, just of the courtyard in which they took us and cut our hair very short, my hair was a point I hang on to since I was a kid, I was always rolling a curl between my fingers with my hair and I remember the feeling of the hairs between my fingers, silky like a texture I really liked, like velvet, a tactile pleasure, it was not a point of vanity, as my mum was never remarking on my appearance and was always running, so she did not have the time to shampoo my hair and put the balm on it like grandma did, appearance was of no concern to me as a kid, it was just that when they cut my hair in the courtyard I felt marked, like now everyone could see and would know I was one of the kids who had lice.

They made a pile of hair in the courtyard and set them on fire, I remember the burnt chicken smell and the shame, a shame so big that I wanted to dig a hole and disappear, plus a sense of powerlessness, that it was all over, nobody of my family was around to tell everyone that I was not a dirty kid, I thought that I had shamed my family as well, no one explained to us about lice and how it happens so I used that comment as my only source of information and built myself a story of shame and guilt. And then blame, I blamed my mum for putting me there with the lousy dirty kids that infected me, for not putting balm on my hair that maybe would have kept the lice away as some kids did not get them, were they the ones better looked after than me? There was for sure something wrong with me, and with her, she was my mother, where the fuck was she in such a tragic moment of my life?

When we were checked again and I cried the nurse told me that actually lice only pick clean heads, I don't know if it was true or not, but I remember the relief as I turned myself from one of the dirty kids into one of the clean ones and felt better about myself. For days the picture of the hair burning in the courtyard haunted me, my own little holocaust, something I did not have a context to understand, I never liked short hair after that and I never wanted to remember.

My mum was informed and came to visit the first weekend after this 'hair cut', I was still dragging myself as if I had been violated, silently angry at her, she told me I was cute and I cried, I vented some of my anger but not the shame, I could not wait for the turn to change and bring in new kids, fresh flesh that had not seen what they had done to me and to my hair and that would never know that I lived through such a shameful moment and survived, diminished and smaller but with some well adjusted suppression everything would be fine and forgotten.

Throughout my Life, every time someone told me after that that I did not wash something properly or that I had a stain on my clothes I would react in shame, I was obviously not good at taking care of me, I should get someone to do it on my behalf, maybe this is the link to the Good Master as I never stepped out of that Shame and the desire to never again feel like the little lousy dirty shameful kid and if that meant getting myself a caretaker to do what I was unable to do, then so be it. Stick a Mental Note on my To DO List.

Self forgiveness to follow tomorrow with self corrective statements

Related articles

• The Mind System's Conscious-Mind Structural Resonance - Part 1: DAY 137
• Day 90: The Memory Dealer Character
• Day 137: FREE Choice and True Activism

Day 130: For-Giving the (Self) Molestation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I could not express myself as sexuality as a Child, I hoped and desired that men would come along who seemed to have the key to my sexuality as 'men were in charge of sex' according to the images of sex I saw and imprinted myself with, so I could experience myself sexually with them, through them, without having to carry the guilt and shame for giving in to sex to satisfy my curiosity, and for then suppressing this desire because the desire to experience myself sexually was 'bad", ending up turning these desires into suppressed and hidden thoughts, images and memories that were charged with self judgement, shame and guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful within the desire to experience myself sexually as a child because I accepted and allowed myself o be imprinted with my mother's view on sex and how it was that sex is done with a man, which then created the thought and desire, 'bring a man here then'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to interact with an 'unknown' man would give birth to molestation as I made myself the target for 'unknown men' to approach me as the answer to my suppressed thoughts of which I was not aware of consciously where they were themselves drawn to me as a match to me and my secret hidden thoughts/desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was 'bad' for holding such secret desires, without being able to see realize or understand HOW those desires were formed through suppression, I deserved all the molestation that I got

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to molest myself with pictures and images of sex that I would look for and file within and as me to prove to myself that 'others did it' and I was not so bad after all, without seeing realizing and understanding that those pictures through which I would experience myself in shame and guilt would build up and turn into self molestation of myself as my Mind and give birth to the molested Character who in turn would attract Molesters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sex in my early years of sexual expression to shame and guilt which made me enraged which in turn sought for targets which became men as The Molesters, for which I ended up perceiving I felt a deep hatred that I pushed down and hid as I did not want to be bad for hating someone and not 'forgiving' the weaknesses of men because 'all men are like that, they just want to get in your pants', while in fact I didn't and just accumulated hatred and contempt for their inability to keep their hands to themselves not seeing or realizing the part that I played in our interactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I had so much hatred for men and the continuous consistent abuse that I perceived they were inflicting on me when I walked down the streets as a Child, or when I ate a banana, or when I was just on a bus going to school, in a movie theatre watching a movie, within a friend's circle when suddenly one would behave in a way that I perceived as a trespassing, and for looking at them as Inferior Creature who were led by their Dicks, without seeing realizing and understanding that if they are led by their dicks, they must be led TO something/someone who matched their desires, and that it was me leading them on because a Victim must have an Abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self hatred, for having given up Life for The Mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions, onto men, making them responsible and blaming them for everything that went on within me as self Abuse, so I would not have to be responsible of how I experienced myself and stand to correct myself to stop the experience of me as bad, shameful, guilty, regarding sexuality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed and angry when my mum said 'there must be something wrong with you if it keeps happening to you' as I took that as a judgement as a reflection of my own self judgement regarding myself and my hidden sexuality, missing out on the opportunity to in fact NOT take it personally which would have allowed me to see that there was something wrong with me in fact and that was what I had stored in me as me and then went and lived out in the Physical World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to speak up, in fear of losing the privilege of being liked and desired by men who represented the key and the door to my sexuality and so never wanting to close any door, just in case, just wording excuses such as, you are like a brother ' there is nothing wrong with you, it's me' and the list goes on, without seeing realizing and understanding that to NOT be Self Honest and tell myself What is the Freaking Pay back of all this Molestation, which of course was the point of being desired, an Ogre would do, I ended up blaming myself even when I had been trying to be as clear as possible, within the limitation of seductress character that I secretly played at all times around men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the con-clusion, that since it did not seem possible to have men keep their hands to themselves, their nasty comments, wolf whistles and generally any demeaning act they could come up with, I should capitalize on it and get on the command deck, where I would stir and move the manipulation of the Dickheads into the Direction that best served me as in, if you can't beat them, manipulate them and get something out for yourself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such a world as 'normality' even when as a kid the suppressed sexual tension between all interactions physically scared me as I could see it weaved into every and any conversation, topic, attitude and yet no one else seemed to notice that there were 2 things leading the world and none of them were in the Hands of Women as Money and Sex, and I concluded we better get smart about it and in fact turn things around, either through Money to be able to stop the sexual favours we engage in at all times, given or promised or paraded and not delivered, or through Sex to get to the Money, because this world is a freaking fearful place to be without Money and Women were left with sex to get to the upper crust where the Money is, and so be it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce my sexual expression to a stock market, in which I was always trading something as it was driven into me that men wanted this thing I had to offer MORE than we did, or they would not offer to buy it, which tilted the market value of sex in my favour as the seller and that I should take full advantage of my position of being the owner of a stock which was so sought after and for which men were willing to give in, either the dough or something I could trade for a better, safer future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that we were built this way as sex and as the way we would interact with each other, but we do not have to accept this as who we are, we can stop and stand and say, I no longer trade for sex or money as a first individual step that we take to Change the World as Ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that, due to the extent of self judgement, shame and blame that I held toward myself when I saw that I crossed the line from Perceived Abused to Abuser, anything that came from men seemed in some way legitimized, not for the How I Carry Myself Without as in the excuse that I am not Making Up, wearing Heels or behaving in a seductive way, but for how I carry myself within, as the Abused Abuser, having molested myself to no end with sexuality issues stemming from suppression and judgement and so I have turned myself into a Light House for Molesters and Abusers as they see Me as I see/experience Me and then they see themselves as authorized to step into their Abuser Role as I move back into the Abused/Molested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, due to the way I perceived myself and my hidden secret participation in the Molester and Molested Game, I had no right to speak up and say NO, turning myself into the door mat of the Abusers Molesters as I ended up believing it was always my fault and that if I had not done this or that, said this or that, until it became a habit to look for what I did wrong while the Molester got away without notice, instead of standing up and voicing 'this is NOT what I want' because this issue has two sides, yet this is no Justification or a clean bill for Men who molest Children, as we are all the products of a very disturbed society and we have to STOP on both sides of the Coin and while I stop my participation as the Abused/Abuser I will voice what is acceptable and what is Not in My world and the world I want to live in as A World that is Best for All


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when a man stands in self justification for molesting a Child by saying things like 'You Crazy Bitch' or 'You are Dreaming' or "I don't know what you are talking about', it is not for me to feel ashamed as if I were all these things he said and if I don't know what I am talking about to the point that I no longer talk at all, because heavy breathing on your neck, a hard dick against your ass and fondling your behind or doctors who are supposed to look at your foot and pull down your panties, do not need to be told what they are doing, as THEY KNOW what they are doing, which is abusing their position of power either as an Adult vs a Child or as a Representative of some Organization/Institution such as the Medical/Educational/Religious and that standing up and saying NO I do not accept this is important for me and them too to realize that whatever fantasy they are playing out, it's just that, Their fantasy, which has nothing to do with the physical reality and as we all come to terms with the fact that we are psychopaths within our own Minds abusing each other we can stop and stand to change the world for Life and what is best for All

I commit myself to speak up against Abuses as I correct myself as the Self Abuser I have become so that Inward and Outward the World can Change, which is what we are doing with the proposal of an Equal Money System, in which all Mental Illnesses and dis-eases will be addresses and supported for correction so everyone can be equally supported to live behind their life of Abuse for LIFE to build a World where we are in fact proud to live and not ashamed and terrified for what we have created that we now have to walk as a ConSequence into Self Correction

I commit myself to delete my past as it comes up in pictures/thoughts and memories as I see realize and understand that the Past is Over and that I can only change My Past by not repeating it into time/stupidity loops to show myself that I saw where and how I was participating within a specific point and that I took responsibility for it, so as to not leave behind myself a trail of distorted/diseased relationships as the ones I made up in my mind based on abuse as the abused/abuser and One + One as we correct ourselves it will reflect into our World outside and what becomes possible as we walk away from our limitations, one + one.

Related articles

• Day 36 - Porn
• The epidemic of child molestation
• Day 96: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements
• Day 79: Blame Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 129: Please Molest me, Give me a Reason to Live.
• Day 131: Forgiveness and True Activism
• Day 128: Economic Slavery and True Activism

Day 96 - Me as Arrogance - Childhood/Early Teenage Years

For context see Yesterday's Post - Childhood years

Like the point of being a Tiger Tamer and  Defender of The Oppressed, none of which was true, during my primary/secondary school, according to the Italian system, which means around 13 years of age, I was the Math teacher's pet and considered a Math Genius.

My math teacher was a nun, as I spent many years with the Catholic private education, 4 at kindergarten as they took me in at 2 because my mum was busy working, 5 for primary and 3 for the primary/secondary, all private schooling.

While I was in primary school my mum worked in the building facing our school courtyard, she was the only parent that was so close and she would look for me in the courtyard from the window shout at me 'little muse' smiling and waved at me, this became annoying as I grew up as I felt 'watched' and not free to move.

Generally I had a few reasons to feel like the odd kid at kindergarten and primary school, my mum would be the last to come and pick me up due to work, so I was always the last to leave school and had to sit trough the Latin praying time, I had a black doll given to me by my flower child father - as a bridge to non-racism- for whom the nuns would knit woolen  clothes, I had access to secret money and I was always told 'I could do more'.

This 'could do more' was a trait in my life, I knew I could, I just did not want to, I always did the minimum to survive, yet the message was that I was more intelligent than my results at school, a secret weapon that I could decide to use or not, this was about how much freedom I believe I had, only the freedom to 'not do too well at school'.

In primary secondary, when we were introduced to more complicated math, I used to actually see the numbers playing up in my head, this happened in primary as well, I could see the results developing in my mind, I can't explain how or why it happened but Math was the easiest thing for me once I got the hang of the abstract point of it all, an ability I lost with growing up, when math was no longer as magical and as self resolving in my mind the more I tried to understand why and how I was able to do what I did.

So in secondary school, while I diligently flew under the Merit radar, one day I replied too fast to a 'what's the root number' question. It had seemed just so obvious since we were authorized to use the tables, it meant running my finger on a line to the root number, a very underwhelming feat, yet as I was the first one I got to reply a very high score AND the label as a Math Genius. I tried to explain that it really was nothing to everyone, even my mum, yet when everybody seemed so proud of me I hang on to the title for good.

During primary/secondary I was not too arrogant, I was the class clown, I spent my days high on sugar from the candies I bought at the school shop run by the nuns, one girl wrote a poem for me titled the clown that ended with, 'in the evening the clown cries and melts his mask', I was very disturbed about this as I wondered where did she pick up the clue of my existential sadness, was I not a good clown ?

Primary/secondary went by with no major events, apart from one point that stands out, which is how bad my lunch boxes were compared to the ones of the other kids. My mum worked full time, in the evening she kept and balanced  the books for the coffee Company my grandma worked for or she had typing assignments that she took home to make extra money, she did not have the time to cook delicious meals for me to pack in my lunch box, instead she would send me to school with packed cheese or salami and a fruit or something similar, in my eyes this was a point of diminishment as I related the good delicious hand made food of the other kids when lunch time came and all of us opened our lunch boxes, to the love of their mums and used this point to not feel loved or cared for properly..

So, as I was already angry as a kid for comparing myself to my mum, judging her as 'good and caring' and myself as 'bad and selfish' I added this point to balance things out 'you don't care for me properly' and kept compounding anger that I would suppress because I wanted to be 'good' and not 'bad'.

Meanwhile I moved up to high school, my mum decided that since I was a Math Genius because this resulted from the attitudinal tests as well, I should have a chance to enter the scientific private high school system, which cost an enormous amount of money for which she was willing to sacrifice.

When I entered school I was back at primary, among rich kids who displayed rich kids clothes and attitudes, while I felt like a pariah, not up to the task of even being there.

The teachers changed for every topic, no longer in the cocooned Catholic world where Math and Science were taught together, or English, Italian and History by the same teacher resulting in not having to face many different personalities, here every hour a new teacher would step in with a new subject.

Technical Drawing I could not even understand it, Greek and Latin were hard, Math went to a level that I could not comprehend while I was going through all these emotions and feelings of inadequacy, that later built up into more arrogance so I could believe I was MORE and not LESS than others, until I stopped going to school altogether and went to the neighboring park instead with a rich girlfriend that I knew from years back from my holidays at the sea where she had a villa.

Her mother would allow us to stay at their home when we missed school, considering it was winter, every day I pretended to go to school and did not, until my mum found out 3 months later.

That's when she told me to go and stay with my grandmother or she would have killed me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the odd kid at kindergarden and primary because my mum came to pick me up later than any other parents and for believing I was not loved like the other kids, even though the point that my mum had to work was clear to me, so I believed this as a choice, to victimize myself and build my Self Pity Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having to sit through the Latin prayers, because I could not understand what they were saying and I was afraid to repeat them in case it was something I should not be saying at all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel special because my mum would call me 'little mouse' and wave to me from the window, only to resent it years later when I was around 11 and 12 and I wanted to run around the courtyard with the boys who were pulling up our skirts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated when one day one of the nuns punished me for the 'pulling up the skirt game' by asking me to lie on her knees and then spanking me in front of the whole class and I associated playing with men as something bad that one could be punished for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel too guilty to tell my mother because I believed that it was my fault as noone else got punished but me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sexuality and punishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body with sugar and candies as a way to suppress the emotions and feelings I felt in the classroom we shared with boys that I could not explain or make sense of and I did not want to talk about it in fear of being punished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my mother to a conservative, self righteous stance and for assuming she could not be told certain things that I ended up keeping as suppressed secrets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was special because the nuns knitted woolen clothes for my doll and I thought they did it out of pity because I was always the last kid to leave the school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was always the last kid leaving school and even the nuns took pity on me, I was a victim and my mum was an abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never do all that I could do and for using my secret weapon of flying below the Merit Line as my way to rebel, feel free and spite my mum

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since not doing all I could at school was my priviledge and my only choice at that age, I should take full advantage of it and drag my feet through the education system so I would show them all who was boss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I did not enjoy school, when in fact I did not enjoy how I experienced myself at school and it had nothing to do with the school but with me and what was going on inside of me as what I believed to be Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear when my mum would go for the 'Teacher's Chats' to see how I was doing because I knew I was just shuffling my feet and never doing my best as my own way to spite them all from my mum to the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was spiting the system instead of seeing and realizing I was only spiting myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to spite others in my perceived lack of power and control over my experience, making them responsible for how I perceived myself, failing to see that it was me experiencing myself and noone else and that I was the one responsible for my experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to damage my body with sugar binges, seeking for ways to pacify myself within my beliefs that I was a victim, to be pitied and conforted for the harsh life I had of bad lunch boxes that I could not compare with other kids and feel proud about, as a point showing my mother's love, as I read other kids lunchboxes, translated them in time required to prepare them and then compared to the time my mother was not putting in for me, instead of seeing and realizing that my mum was working like a dog putting in all the time she did just so I could have a private education with higher standard, on which I pissed on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly feel guilty because I knew my mother was working like a dog for my education and I was NOT putting in my part as the best I could do, instead finding reasons why I shouldn't as the point that I was loved less for my lunch boxes, so I could be angry at her and feel that what I did not do was justified

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my mum and judge her as "good and generous" and myself as "bad and selfish", failing to see we were both embodying Characters for maximum friction and she just happened to be the one in the middle with the positive Character while I was with my grandmother on the fringes with a negative Character, guaranteeing for all of us friction as our Energy supply so we could kep up the Characters game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I never wanted to be as hard working as my mum, as I judged her as a loser for not having achieved Money Value knowing that by comparison I was making far more money than she was by just being 'nice ' to my grandparents and associating being nice and supporting other Characters as a way to make a living that I kept on as years went by

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that since I could never be as good and generous as my mum, who was herself driven by the desire for acceptance, I would be the opposite, I would excel in selfishness and just thinking about me, would never have kids, would never make the effort of engaging in long term relationships, because she proved that all these things are useless as they do not lead to the Money/value/Worth point and I would never be like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire acceptance and for suppressing this desire because I saw where it led with my mum, who was the doormat of the whole family

I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself when I entered scientific high school, to feel lost, inadequate, as I had already placed value on Money as the Value system instead than on Life and I could not successfully compete with the other kids, I simply gave up within my sense of diminishment and inability to play 'the special one' as I had nothing special going for me as I had no money, no expensive clothes or shoes, no mum waving at me from the window and nobody knitting woolen clothes for my doll PLUS my secret money seemed ridiculous within that context, in which I imagined rich kids being able to buy anything that they wanted, to give themselves value, while I was worthless and useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was worthless and useless because I compared myself to other rich kids and did not find anything of value within me as me, failing to realize I could never find anything of value outside of me to prove the value of me in separation from myself as Self Worth/Self Value, Characters have no Value/Worth because they are Not Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself at the private scientific high school and for spending days at the park, keeping my life a secret with my mum, not speaking up and telling her what I was going through and ask for assistance as I judged what I felt as stupid and shallow and myself as stupid and shallow and not deserving of any assistance but to just give up on myself as a stupid and shallow girl, and within this I forgive myself for judging myself as a stupid and shallow girl

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty everyday, when my mum asked me about school and I lied, pretending I had attended while I did not, wishing that the lying could end that everything would come out in the open, instead I suppressed it, as I had tried to kill myself with heart tablets and laxatives with no success a few months earlier and when my stepfather found me while I lay on the couch hoping to die and pretending I was falling asleep like in the movies, to get simpathy from him, he told me this would be our secret, adding secrets to secrets in my life until I felt just so dishonest that giving up on myself was the next small step to take

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to die, because I could no longer face my own self judgements of what I had accepted and allowed myself to become, believing that everything that was going on in my head was me, instead of seeing and realizing it was me because I accepted it and allowed it but I can rewrite myself, writing all the garbage of my life out onto paper, owning it and letting it go to rebuild a decent self responsible human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother when I went how one day and she told me she had gone to pick me up, and surprise, I was not there nor I had been there for months and I saw the anger in her face and the delusion of having had to face this in such a way, of all the lies that she realized I had told while I was not going to school and for how I felt I let her down too and was glad to actually go to my grandparents so I wouldn't have to face her wrath for months to come

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I enjoyed staying at my grandparents, as I had more freedom and they would let me do everything my mum did not let me do, yet I believed I deserved a punishment that did not come, because going to my gradparents was a reward for me and so I was left with a sense of lack of closure of having got away with murder and  from murder literally and that maybe a life like this was possible, cruising aimlessly through my responsabilities and getting away with it all, which added to the arrogance as the flip side of the guilt I suppressed and did not want to look at, so I made myself Right in the face of my wrongs and just kept moving believing I had found new ways to never be responsible for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my grandparents loved me because they put new furniture in my room to be and allowed me to smoke (my grandfaher in secret from my grandmother), instead of seeing that there is no love in this world and each of us is just trailing their own Character agenda, which in their case was to get closer to me to both spite my mum and get to feel like they had a daughter, neverminding that they were taking away this perceived privilege of parenthood from my mother because just like me, we are all in it just for ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, although I was aware of all the secret dynamics of my family, look for ways to make them work for me, careless of my mother and what she was going through and what this was doing to her, as long as I got to get away with murder and closer to securing my future in my grandparents home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was this Character as the Unsettled teenager on the way to full blown -suppressed- Arrogance, and for giving life to this Character, no matter how damaging my thoughts, words and deeds were in the great picture of the responsibilities I should have stood up for as What is best for All, as Life One and Equal

I commit myself to stop all comparison games that I play with others as a way to make myself feel more when I fear being less, to breathe when I see the desire to state something or assume a posture of superiority while I investigate which is the trigger so I can release it through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I commit myself to stop my acceptance and allowances of myself feeling inferior with regards to things I have mis-placed my Value on, such as Money or Beauty or Intelligence and to investigate where are my triggers that move or attempt to move me into automated behaviour of arrogance as superiority while I can see realize and understand that every time I attempt to play that game  am in fact feeling or fearing that I will soon be feeling inferior and move into the opposite polarity as self defence

I commit myself to stop regurgitating the past as emotions and feelings and memories of everything that I have done wrong, as a way to diminish myself so I won't even have to wait for the comparison game but I can self compare within my mind and bring myself to the desire for arrogance, having beaten myself down into uselessness and worthlessness without anybody's help

I commit myself to stop any form of self abuse, toward myself or others as I realize all abuse is self abuse, as we are One, One Body, One Life, harming itself within Enegy games until we Stop

I commit myself to Stop and stand for myself and What is Best for All for myself and all of Existence Equal and One