Saturday, June 30, 2012

Day 75: Don't add-vice me, I KNOW What I am doing

Yesterday I had an Energetic reaction when I perceived someone trying to advise me about something.
I have associated advices to feeling ineffective and stupid as I used to have to sit through lectures about my Life and the best ways to live it, my experience of advices is of something that has always been given to me when I displayed that I had NOT been effective in doing/tackling something, which brought up feelings of uselessness and guilt.
Plus many times the point of the advice was spot on with what I had NOT in fact been effective in dealing with, not given my all and so as soon as I would perceive someone trying to advice me, I would move into resistance and then defense to protect my stance and to do this I move into wanting to show the other that their lives are not sorted out to the point that they CAN infact give advices to me, basically what I always mean with whatever I say after receiving an advice is 'Mind your fucking business and look at Your own Life'.
Within this reaction I miss out on hearing what the other is actually saying as a point with which I could support myself because I simply do not want to say, yes I have not given my all and maybe look at why and if not willing to give it now for a particular reason just be self honest about it, so the pressure to hide the point and the desire to make up stories about it would stop, instead I have to uphold the story that I believe  makes me look best, in the specific this point is about looking for a job, I know I have not given my best to it for a list of reasons I don't even want to disclose to myself and I will be investigating today so I can write about it in my blog tomorrow.
But for now the point is 'don't give me advices', as I perceive it as criticism that means I am NO good, I am a failure, this exacerbate if I have the perception that I owe something to someone, for example, if my mum lends me Money, then I HAVE TO sit through the advice, as she bought the 'advice time' for herself by me making myself dependent and so I have to clench my teeth and just get on with it to pay back my due, at least in listening and agreeing that' yes I have not been effective or I would not have needed to take Money support from you'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a reaction when I perceive or believe someone is about or is advising me about something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into a stance of self defence as soon as I perceive I am being advised and thus considered/criticised/judged as NOT effective good in my application about a specific point in my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to NOT be advised to prove that I am doing well/good and I am worthy and not useless as I perceive myself when I am being advised

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone shows that they are not effective I have a right to advise them bringing myself as an example of how to do/solve a point just to make myself feel superior to the person that I judge inferior for not being effective in managing themselves or a specific point in their life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowig myself to fail to see that I perceive others as superior when they advise me because I have myself used 'advising' as a way to make myself more/better than the one I perceived needing to be advised about something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having to sit through long advice sessions when I was a kid and a teenager and perceived myself being taught//told things that were not good for me as in What is Best for All as they usually addressed points of how the Family was special and I would have to have SPECIAL care and consideration for the family but not for anyone else 'out of that door' as I felt physically uncomfortable sitting at the round table of my indoctrination without ever standing up for myself and within this I forgive myself for not standing up for and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress anger for the family indoctrination system and for myself when I just kept quiet and went through the motion of sitting absorbing the sins of the fathers as my way of life because I perceived I had no choice and I would have to sit through these session to secure the benevolence of my grandparents and access to the Money/support they may be giving to me later on in Life in time of needs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent family advice from people who were far from sorted out and for either moving into defeat and acceptance of indoctrination from my grandparents from whom I had hopes to gain something in the future to come, or into the polarity of rebellion with my mother who did not display signs of sanity and she didn't even have money to make up for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate advice to criticism to me NOT being good and feeling exposed in my NON goodness and for desiring to take the other down with me, because if I am NO GOOD you still have to prove YOU ARE good before you can give ME an advice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use advices to make others feel inferior, not effective, NOT GOOD, so that from their fall it would be easier for me to manipulate them into the behavior I wanted and desired from them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for weaknesses in other people's lives and to file them as points I could always rebuff them with in case they would have the very bad idea to try and point out TO ME something in which I was not effective, but I had my own list stashed away of stuff they were not effective at or assumptions of things they may have NOT been effective in the past due to my own judgements and categorizations of them as 'specific types of Human beings' who have specific types of flaws, ending up not only never listening to another but never even seeing who they are because as soon as I met someone I busied myself with looking for their faults and weaknesses to store as weapons for future possible use to protect/defend myself and my stances, even when my stances were just make belief and simply fake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame another when I move into reactions after an advice or an attempt that I perceive as an advice to come, in which I move into guilt and shame and uselessness and then BLAME, because if they had not raised that point that MAKES ME react I would not have reacted, instead of seeing that moving into guilt/shame and uselessness is my own doing of what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as within my own self judgement of myself having done something wrong that is NOT pleasing to others and now I will have to endure being Add-viced

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive advices as something diminishing, because if I were good and doing good I would not NEED to be advised, and therefore I am BAD and doing BAD and I need someone to come and tell me and show me the way out of my badness because I was not good enough to find it by myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as BAD when I am not doing something giving it all my best because when I was in primary school the teacher always called my mother to say 'I could do so much more' and I knew I could, I just did not want to because my doing enough kept me at par with my class, surviving by just listening to the lessons and never really applying myself giving it all my best, because if I did I would have to apply myself to things I had absolutely no interest for, like history or geography topics that exposed me as someone who just did not study as there was nothing to understand there, failing to see that I was molding myself into the personality of someone who only does what she likes and wants and everything else I leave it behind because it is of no interest for me or I do not care for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design myself as someone who will only do what she likes/pleases instead of putting my whole into anything I do as a measure of me as Who I Am and want to be as a self responsible Human Being and not a measure of the task at hand, which is irrelevant as it has been measured by me/The Mind through my own judgements of what is worthier and what is less worthy of my attention or application, based on distorted value systems I have accepted and allowed and lived as me, as in what 'grabs my attention' as worthier that what it doesn't, failing to see I was just stating that I needed external stimulation to become interested or to apply myself in and as something because I did not have Self Will or Self Directive Power to equally apply myself unconditionally to anything that I tackled in every moment of Breath for myself and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I only do as I like and as I please because I perceived myself as paralyzed within this reality and Victimized by this Life and this World and so my ONLY way to get some space for myself was through NOT applying myself to fit in, living on the edge of excellence in fear that excellence would translate in my total final submission to this world and the system, while I instead CLEVERLY resisted by making myself ineffective enough to just get by and disappear in fear of standing out as an accomplished 'giver up'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Italy with this desire to not excell and just get by, because now that I am back in Italy I walked back into my old way of approaching myself and the world around me, making myself ineffective as a way to rebel to the system in my silent 'fuck you', which is in fact a fuck me because I can only get what I am willing to give to myself and unless I move into my maximum effectiveness me and the world one and Equal won't move or change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent school as a place of advices, where every clever cookie that was older than me could come up to me and lecture me about Life and How Things Are, when in the specific in my Primary school, they knew fuck all about Life and How Things Are, having given up Life and How things Are for the sheltered Life of the Monastery that I perceived protected them from all the Evil in and of the World and kept them apart from the everyday reality we live on the outside of the Monastery Walls

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance to advices when in Primary school I was forced to have weekly meetings with a priest about my family where my mum was divorced and lived with another man and the priest would be digging for problems I did not have or perceive about my family situation until I did have them and then though 'so much for the freaking advice' and decided advices are just a waste of time and mostly people don't even know what they are taking about and for sure, they never take their own advice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into Spite when I believe I identify a moment of 'advice coming' and my body tenses and my stomach knots up and I move into attack mode, looking for the words that may hurt the other or push him/her off the Advice Pedestal I have imagined in my Mind they have stepped onto, instead of seeing and realizing that it is me moving them onto a Pedestal in the moment I move into the personality of the Recipient of the Advice by inferiorizing myself, instead of breathing and hearing what the other person is REALLY saying that could in fact benefit and support me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist hearing another when I imagine that they are about or are advising me, in fear that I will move into inferiority and then will find reasons to attack, instead of seeing I can change this behaviour by breathing and seeing what are the points that I react about and if the points the other person is making look to find out if I have in fact NOT been effective and if NOT WHY I have NOT been effective and how I can correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I feared advices, instead of seeing and realizing I never feared advices but my own reactions to them as I move and engage into the inferiority/superiority construct, while trying desperately to blame this movement on the other instead of investigating why and how I have designed myself to react through my own acceptances and allowances, so I can correct myself and in fact benefit from the unconditional sharing of another

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a reaction for something I perceive I am being advised about or about to be advised about, I stop, Breathe, do not allow myself to move in and as the reaction because when I react I am in fact NOT HERE and NOT HEARING what the other is saying or offering as an unconditional sharing and support, instead I breathe so I can bring myself HERE and HEAR what the other is offering as a point I can unconditionally consider without judging myself as ineffective for not having seen it/considered it or faced it by myself without external support

I commit myself to learn to HEAR others and what they are really saying beyond the filters of my own Mind of Thoughts, Memories, Ideas and Beliefs based on previous experiences, which are NOT real, through consistent breathing to bring myself back HERE to start to HEAR for Real.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Day 74: Just Give Me My Circus Please

In Italy we are living on the edge of an economic disaster.
I cannot talk for the rest of the World as what I see every day, but here where I live it is NOT looking good.
This Capitalistic system that we support is strangling everyone.
In Italy  1626 businesses are closing down every day, banks are no longer giving loans to small and medium enterprises because the Profit return is NOT certain as the SME may NOT make it and nobody wants to board a sinking boat.
Unemployment is therefore soaring and living conditions are worsening, now it makes sense to take 'anything one can find', as my mum said to me the other day 'you'll get to the point where you will consider just about anything to make money', yes, this is what we tell each other about our right to Survive within the system at any cost.
But this right is being revoked, the Ministry of Finance in Italy has recently said that having a job is no longer a right, let me understand, if to live I need Money and to have Money I need a job, and having a job is no longer a Right, this means the Right to Money and the Right to Life is no longer a Right.
Oh yes, but this was The Premise of the Capitalistic System All along, it's in the name itself, Capital is the name of the game, if Life is NOT some sort of Capital, We The System do not care About Life.
The crashing economy is affecting the extremes of society, the young unemployed, they have mum and dad that can still support them, so we don't really concern with them or the fact that Not Having Money we are keeping Youth in a state of dependency, and then the ones that the system has spit out as redundant, a comical term to define people that unless they are trashed, they will redundantly be in the Way to Higher and Higher Profits, which is the only driving force of this system.
How did this Happen?
Well, first, slowly but on track, the Capitalistic system was built for Profit vs. Life, so it should come as no surprise that the Train is finally coming close to reaching its destination, More Profit, less Life/Lives, it's all working fine, secondly, while we were not watching or even remotely interested in educating ourselves about what is this system really about, the system took a Life of its own, which is personal gain to the detriment of anyone that stands in the way.
But aren't WE Systems with the same drive in fact?
Everything that happens in our Lives, from Love to Relationships of any kind are all driven by our personal desires and wants to GAIN something from another.
And how far are we personally willing to go for that gain, for that moment of pleasure, satisfaction, all based on the intangible (because it's NOT REAL) reality of feelings and emotions at its best, to the more honest Money/Sex and Power, as the underlining cause of it all? 
Are we even Alive?
Yet, to prevent ourselves from such questions rising and having to face the reality that our Lives are at best unsatisfactory attempts at living, we demand and get our Circuses, in which we can come together finally, driven by the Hope that for 90 minutes, united, we can experience something that we can call 'a good moment' a moment of Pride, in which we feel we are Worth something and not the ass-served Robots to an Inhumane System that is binding us All together in Hell.
Last night Italy won vs. Germany, 2 - 1, I watched the game and found that I had 2 energetic jolts of satisfaction when we scored, pathetic, yet real, and in those moments I managed to not feel so Alone and Lost, as Italy had taken to the streets en mass to watch the game and the celebrations went on well into the Night, and we could forget that some won't eat and they don't have jobs and that stress levels are reaching an all time high and moving people to do the most inhumane things, but we can stop caring or questioning or wondering if there is our personal responsibility written all over this World that we do not want to face.
The after game comments said that they were hoping this result would  uplift the spirits of Italians in this Grave moment of crisis, which begs the question, HOW ?
How is winning a soccer game going to solve or address the economics problems we are facing ? Better spirits are not feeding anyone, nor giving shelter to the homeless, we should state, 'we hope this soccer game has successfully managed to divert your Attention from the grim economic reality you are facing, to the Make Belief National Pride we have given you plenty of tonight, go in Peace/Pieces, Poor Bastards'
Imagine if we came together for a Change in such numbers as we do for a soccer Game?
The Change is Here, we are NOT yet, what is it going to be, Give me My Circus Pretty Please or Fuck the Circus I'm getting off from my own acceptances and allowances of the World as It Is and stand for Life and Change, up to me, Circus or walk myself to Life, there is no middle road.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a reaction of 'Pride' when Italy scored 2 goals vs. Germany

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as Italian as in belonging to a Culture, failing to see I was just stating which Cult I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's good to be Italian because we make a lot of nice valuable things, instead of seeing and realizing this is the drill I faced since I was a kid and those good and great things we manufacture are NOT accessible to everyone Equally, like Ferraris and Lamborghinis, Fashion Brands, and Exclusive Hotels in Exclusive Places, they are in fact Exclusivity tools, used to Exclude some to allow a few to feel more than others and more valuable within this Monopoly game that we have accepted as REAL, while we discarded Life as The Only Value that We All Equally Share

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and covet Exclusivity as a Way of Life, in which I looked forward to the times when I would belong to a club/class from which others were excluded so I could feel more worthy and thus better about myself even though this would have to come to the detriment of others who did not belong to the same Club/Class

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to 'stand up for your country' made any sense at all, instead of seeing that every time I stand up for my country I am standing against someone or someone's country and that this was a design to separate us into languages and cultures that would allow the Divide and Conquer of ourselves vs. the Few who are benefiting from this make belief Economic System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that there is nothing honorable about 'standing up for one's own country' because in standing up in division and separation we are harming each other and Life and we are in fact living highly dis-honorable lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the National Crap that they have indoctrinated us with, including a National Anthem which is nothing but a song written to make it clear that we belong to a country as an asset to the Monetary System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into reaction when I saw how many Italians were in the streets and squares last night watching the soccer match, feeling disgusted that we would not stand united in such numbers to change the world to what is best for all, failing to see I was only disgusted at myself because I had just participated in the Pride of being Italian within me as an Energy rush because I have accepted and allowed myself to become a Nationalistic Crap supporter through my own allowed brainwashing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at Mario Balottelli, the first Black Italian I have seen on the National soccer field and for thinking WOW when he took off  his shirt after his second goal and stood there defiant looking like a Demi God and making Us All Proud

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unable to connect his name during the soccer game to his face because his name is Italian and we have no Black Italians, because Italians are white with dark hair and the most extravagant are white with blonde hair and blue eyes, but it is unheard of that an Italian with an Italian name can be Black

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Black Men because as a kid I was told by some educators and heard the sentence 'if you don't behave I will call the Black Man' and I had already associated Black with Evil and Darkness and everything that should be feared within My Mind and then I associated it to Black people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the first time I saw a black man in Italy when I was a teenager to suppress my fears that I felt even though I was raised by a family that was theoretically not racist and so I could NOT be afraid of a black person, yet when he asked me if he could take a sip of my coke and I said yes I was then paranoid about putting my lips where he had put his, just in case something bad would happen to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed for not wanting to drink my coke anymore after this black guy had drunk from it and for not seeing or understanding what was going on with me and for judging myself as a weasel for my perceived 'racism' instead of seeing I was reacting to beliefs and ideas about darkness of which I was simply NOT aware

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself after watching the movie Amistad and seeing all those incredible fit black bodies to think ' and how did the white convince them they were inferior?' as I based my judgments of who we are on picture presentations and images of ourselves, where the ones that looked fitter and more beautiful were more worthy than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be surprised when they showed Mario Balotelli going to kiss his mum, who was white, and for seeing in my mind all the backchat that followed this simple point of 'how can a white woman have a black kid' and then attempting to answer that he was maybe adopted because no white woman has/should have black kids that look so black as in showing that the white gene is completely missing, instead of dropping all my backchat and just going back to breathing, resolving that I know fuck all about genetics except what I have heard from a science that is designed and run for Profit and is therefore absolutely unreliable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with backchat relative to Mario Balotelli family, because when he stood at the centre of the soccer field and I felt PROUD to BE Italian, I created a relationship with him based on my energetic experience of the moment of Pride and him as the instigator of such moment and then I became concerned with HIS relationships so I could build and strengthen my own relationship of energy with him and that moment of Pride

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my 'positive reaction' to the soccer game as if I had sinned, instead of seeing and realizing I am bound to be shown by my body all the energetic relationships I have built and to what, so I can correct them into and as Equality and Oneness and What is best for All and so I stop my judgements of my energetic reactions and instead just use the points to self forgive, self correct and keep walking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge 'The Italians' who took to the squares last night for those moments of Pride, failing to see I was watching myself magnified into a Nation and the futility of what we stand for as we distract ourselves with the Circus we have become, hoping to forget what is Going On both within and without ourselves, and especially WITHOUT in the sense that WE are NOT Here yet, to stand and take responsibility for this world as Us and that it's time to get on with leaving behind myself as Energy and an existence of highs and lows to find my stability in and as Breath Here, standing for and as The Change I want to see in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a system of Inequality in which my interest comes first and prior to the interest of anyone else, instead of seeing we are cells of the same organism sharing one Planet and to believe we have a choice that is Not to do What is Best for All is De-Mented, meaning is of the Mind because no one can survive when the whole fails and accepting our interdependency as systems of failures means to endanger the whole of which we are a part and not apart, no matter how many distractions we embrace to not self realize this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopeless about humanity and the point of separation we have reached, in which we believe that we are separate and we fight over resources that are needed by the Whole of Us to thrive, and that thriving would for sure be possible if we could just awaken from the slumber we embrace every time we delude ourselves about being separate and having to care just for 'mini-me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the manifested consequences of our Circuses, in which we have turned into Clowns entertaining each other with energetic highs that lead us to the lows that cannot be escaped and for desiring entertainment as a point of NOT being Here facing myself in every moment of Breath but somewhere else, where Life makes sense, failing to see I am The One that has to give a purpose and a meaning to me as Life and that purpose and meaning can only exist in realigning to myself and What is best for All, for myself and existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to stop all judgments about entertainment and to see it for what it is, a point that we use to decompress because many of us have not yet found ways to support themselves effectively out of the Mind, and that to judge what is Here is a point of separation, no matter how many good reasons I can find to justify my judgments/separation 

I commit myself to stop my existence as the feeling of 'National Pride' because I can see in common sense that is plain bullshit as I belong to the Planet, One and Equal to everyone else, and that 'I am Italian' is NOT true as in a definition of me being a separate nationality from the rest, I was simply born in Italy, and Italy and what is the Culture that defines it cannot define me, unless I choose to define myself as an Italian within 'National pride'

I commit myself to see what are my energetic connections to this country that I have used to define myself, so I can see how I have used Italy as a point of separation and bring back myself to What is Best for All, in Oneness and Equality for myself and All of Existence Equal and One

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Day 73: I Know What YOU Mean

I have listened to Anu's 'Existence in a Word', and it really spoke to Me.

In this interview the point of 'We Never Hear Another' was raised into very specific points and I saw my life flashing by while I listened to it as One Who Actually BeLieved I did in fact HEAR and SAW other people's words and not just that, I did it better than THEM.

In my family there was the Cult of Words, my grandmother was the Diplomat, meaning by her own definition the One that could call you Stupid and have you Happy about it, which is NOT really true because my mum took some time to work it out and was NEVER happy about it, she dwelt a lot on the 'words' my grandmother had used against her, and so did I after her with her words ‘against’ me.
So I saw it as a point of value to 'wisen up with Words', meaning to always TRY and see what people really MEANT behind what they said.

When I was 5 to 6 my mum had a new partner that lived with us for 9 years, he too loved words and always told my mum she lacked 'all the shades', this was meant to be off-ending to her, as what he meant was that she lacked the 'finesse' to see what he really meant when he was talking, he knew that my mum was NOT getting all the context and layers when She was NOT getting angry as she should have.

I do not remember My origin with words, I just remember 2 episodes in which I was told to 'not tell it like it is'.  One was when the nuns gave us an assignment titled 'What does Mummy do when I go to sleep ?' which was meant to highlight the sacrificial Life of a Mother, as she sowed my socks, prepared my lunch for the day after, ironed, and all this bullshit, but since I did not know what she did when I went to bed I asked and she was in a bad mood and not having the context about my assignment she replied "I scratch My Pear', which I duly reported in my assignment for the nuns.
That did not come out too well, my mum was called and asked for explanation, I lacked the context for that sentence so I had no judgment for good or bad or about 'pears' that could be meaning 'something else'.
Another time was when we went to the laundry to pick up clothes and the lady asked me 'and how ARE YOU?" and something about my mum, and I just told it like it was, which was that my mum was sad and something else that was considered 'personal'.
When we came out of the laundry my mum told me that when people ask you 'How Are you ?' they don't really mean to know how are YOU, it's just a social convention to ask each other to which we reply 'Well' for politeness, meaning we do not bother others with our crap.

Later while I was growing up I saw words become hidden weapons, it is explained well in the Documentary The Trap, when they talk about Mental Illnesses and the hidden energy games that go on inside a family, there were plenty of those in my family that made me physically sick, when I was around 10 I suffered from colitis so severe that I spent much of my time bent in two for almost 2 years and always had to have Buscopan with me, just in case my guts would start turning and churning without notice, I feared the family gatherings and what would come out of them in terms of the stress I would feel for being asked to side and support one side of the family against the other. All this of course had great 'finesse' embedded all over it.

When I was a teenager my mum made a special arrangement at work to spend more time with me, we would go to see an off the circuit movie every week, one of the “family ones”, like ‘Ordinary people’ or one that would have you THINK about the meaning of them and then coming out we would have to share, what was the hidden meaning of the movie, what was it trying to convey ? And have discussions about it and see who came up with the most 'hidden and clever' meaning of the movie, there was not much competition, more of a training to absorb the programming of the point that everything is basically hidden, no one is self honest and this is just the way things are.

By the age of 17 I was quite proficient with words, yet I saw myself take a Quantum leap when I learned English and words expanded into other meanings in my mind, I started to see the multidimensionality of words through another language, and my believed capacity 'to see beyond words' increased exponentially.
I got to the point when I was so arrogant that I believed I knew what was behind the words of another better than them, always failing to see that all the crap I saw in their words was my own crap.

And I kept failing at this, because in looking for what another is really MEAN-ing, what I am actually after is to prove to myself that others are at least as MEAN as I am, and that they hide as much as I do, so I get a moment of relief and I get the Company for my Misery of having sold out and separated myself from my own words so much that I have to relearn again from scratch to say WHAT I MEAN,  so that when another will speak I may learn to Hear/HERE, what they Mean and not just make it up to feel wise and accomplished in at least one things, the management of words for deceit that I believed gave me that extra chance to Survive in and as This System of Abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that we don't have to say what we mean because if we do others may get up-set and within this belief accepting and allowing that I am responsible for how other people feel and manage themselves as they are responsible for me and how I manage myself and my own words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are words that can be spoken and others that are best kept inside The Mind as Thoughts, without realizing that this is one of my own points of Separation and Inequality, where I am not yet even Equal to my own words within and without

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself as a kid through the mis-use of words as tools of separation and for feeling guilty and shame-full for not standing as my words, having accepted and allowed that this is what everyone does and how the World works.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own words, placing a charge of negative or positive on every word I know so I can assess when to play words as cards, to win into a        s-wording match where the point has become who can place the best feeling words in a string, deliver the positive feelings and get the desired positive feedback from another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for having exposed my family with what was The Truth that I either saw or had been told to me, believing that words as exposure are shame-full and must be kept hidden in my secret Mind, never exposed or shared so nobody will never really get to know what I MEAN

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the Mind as EVIL, because I turned my Mind into My Crap Warehouse, where I stored all the crappy words that should never see the light of the day or I would be labeled MEAN and people would know what I MEANt for real, instead of seeing and realizing I feared my own judgment of me as Evil as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could support another Being through words I have not yet equalized myself to, reading into what they write or speak my own crap and charges as in positive and negative and making judgments that are just about Me and My Own Mind and have nothing to do with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritation when my Buddies at Desteni want to dig into my words as I Perceive it as prying and for fearing having to expose what is really going on within me that I don't want to talk about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the support of my Buddies because I perceive it as an 'invasion of privacy' into my own Mind, where they want to come in and take a look to support me to see what it is that I myself am still judging as un-exposable so I can make peace with it through Self Forgiveness, instead I stubbornly hold on to myself as if there was something I may lose within the crappy-ness of Me as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that while I must read into other people what they really MEAN and expose THEM, I am entitled to hold on to my Crap, like a hoarder, because mine is no ordinary Crap, it's special Crap and it took me years to pile it up there and by God I will resist what I perceive as “the takeover” with all my strength

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that when I move into resistance in fear that my hoarded crap may get exposed and I will have to get rid of it, I am just NOT supporting myself effectively and in fact justifying why it is that I have a right to hold on to my being special while I seek to expose others that I believe are NOT doing the work to expose themselves so I get something on the plate, someone will be exposed and that's OK as long as it's not ME

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to project myself as wise and knowledgeable which is HOW I get to see other people's crap in between the lines, instead of realizing I have never in fact heard or seen anything of another Being because myself as The Mind and my own filtering of everything through the crap I resist to let go, has in fact prevented me from being Here to Hear what is really going on with another and to humble myself enough to say 'I don't Know', instead of taking guesses and making up convoluted stories of why they say and write what they do, because I MEAN, I KNOW what YOU MEAN !

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not Trust myself that I do not in fact need this demented system of communication that I have set in place, where every word is weighted through its charges to see how it will be received and if it is acceptable, instead of realizing it was never about the words, but about Me and what I have loaded each word with in terms of judgment, charges, memories, emotions and feelings and that it is now up to Me to undo what I did to words in separation from myself so I can equalize myself and return each word to innocence out of the Mind and back into the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing about this topic, because you never know, what if all the people that thought I was wise should read it and then I fall off the Wise Pedestal and lose points for myself, instead of seeing the value of each piece we write as an exposure of how and why we designed ourselves the way we did, so we may STOP and start again from scratch, basing everything that we do on the Principle of Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about how I have used words in my Life, as S-words uncaring of the damages of what I spoke or thought and entertained myself with, failing to see that entertain-ment at the expense of another doesn't exist, because another is Me in another Life and whatever I did with and through the Abuse of Words is left for me to fix and take responsibility for, so I stop my existence of Words as a MEAN tool for Abuse and return Life to them and myself in Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into my well rehearsed sentence 'I know what you Mean' I stop, Breathe, check with myself if I in fact have walked that point myself or if I am coming from knowledge, information beliefs and ideas about what I THINK the other person means and if I am NOT Clear, I use the point they are exposing as a point I can work on for myself to equalize myself with, and tell them 'I don't know, I am not able to support you yet on this point'

When and as I see myself trying to READ what another MEANS, by engaging my Mind and fishing into my extensive Pool of useless knowledge and information and my own previous experiences that I HAVE NOT addressed and cleared, I stop, breathe, look at my reasons behind what I want or desire to say, check that I am not looking to be wise or sound wise and not even the other polarity, where I state that I am bad in fact the worse so I am entitled to support the worst having been there myself, instead I offer to listen without judgment because as I have seen myself, in a judgment free space when I write, even when I delete and correct myself, I get a glimpse, a hint of the point I should be addressing and if I stand Self Honestly I get my own answer while asking my own question

When and as I see myself fearing to just write or speak what I have in Mind, after checking that there is no reaction inside of Me, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I am walking to equalize myself and my words inside and out and if it is my Buddy, I push to write or say what it is that I really MEAN, because that is How I can be supported and support myself in an effective way

I commit myself to STOP using words to mean something that is not what I have in Mind, turning words into MEAN tools instead of Life Tools, so I may start to trust that what another says or write is what they MEAN and not what I MEAN to find into their words as a support to my own wise/all seeing and all understanding personality

I commit myself to STOP looking for the MEANing of others in their words and look for my own MEANing in my own and in theirs, Equal and One, so I can stand in and as Self Honesty as Self Correction as Life and What is Best for All, for myself and All of Existence Equal and One

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Day 72: Tolle Teachings, Cashing in on Good Feelings and Acceptance

A simple but radical spiritual practice is to accept whatever arises in the Now — within & without. ~E. Tolle

There is plenty of evidence going around that is spelling that what is in fact 'arising in the Now' is NOT What is Best for All, and Not even What is Best for the people who are giving in to committing such crimes.
We know too little about Consciousness, What it is and How it Works to Trust that everything that arises from it is in fact Good and Acceptable.

Yesterday there was a news about a

These are Today's News

Our Mind are Mine Fields that we have set up for and as ourselves that are going to show us, Who Is Boss, unless We become the Boss of ourselves by becoming Self responsible Human being, realigning what we have weaved into a Spider Web of Energetic relationship, back into Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All.

At the moment we are in No Way Able to stand and Trust ourselves as The Mind, not even for making the conscious choice for example to NOT be racist, as racism exist at other levels of ourselves that may be not conscious and of which we may be not conscious about.

We are hardwired for separation, it will have to be through our own Self Will and Self Directive principle to Stand Up and Stop.
The above are just examples of individuals losing it, but as within, so without, everything seems to have lost some marbles (or all of them), the Corporates are geared for Profit above What is Best for All and What would be supportive for Life, Politics has been swallowed by the Money system and so has Democracy, of which the World has never seen not even a pale example, the Money System has taken a Life of its own, from which we have separated ourselves and we have made ourselves in no way able to tackle this Monster that is now swallowing Life and lives as it moves unchecked through the World and every single World System, from education, to healthcare, to science, bending them to the service of The Profit Making Law Ruling the World.

And so for Mr. Tolle and the others who are Tolling around, cashing in on the good feelings that they sell, please STOP, you are doing a great disservice to yourself and to Life, Life is NOT about feeling good and Living the Dream, as that is just a consumer sales pitch, Life is about considering All Equally and giving what we would like to receive, and becoming aware that what in fact arises within and without is becoming every day more inhumane and we cannot accept this as 'The Way Things Are' because in this we become the very Demons the World is filled with and is mirroring back to Us, instead it is Time to Stop our Demonic Race to nowhere, having  accepted and allowed to separate ourselves from everythng that exists to the point that we are no longer aware that all that is arising within and without is Self, One and Equal, and each one of us has the responsibility to fix themselves and re-fit into the puzzle as worthy self responsible Human Beings, then a World that is Worth living in will be born for Life and What is best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to images of the violence and the Demonic side of Humanity, desiring to separate myself from what is going on in the world because I don't want to be a part of it as I rather be apart from it, instead of realizing that the World is mirroring me as Self and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become and that Hell won't stop until I stop my existence as a Devourer of Life, seeking for Experiences and Following Desires that I call Life but that are not Life as Life exists only Here in and as Breath, One and Equal for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than the people that are in the news displaying in full force their Demonic Side, as the de-manned side of themselves, showing the extent of possession we can go to if giving in to Consciousness as The Mind, and that just because I engaged in the polarity of Good and Feeling Good I am in no way associated with the Ones who have been left with the polarity of Bad and Feeling Bad, that led them through acts of Evil, Equal and One to my own participation in the 'Good End of the Stick' as the Mind Consciousness System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when looking at the Demonic news of what is going on in the world, because feeling bad allows me to think and believe that I am good, because I feel bad, instead of seeing that whatever I feel I am charging the Mind Consciousness System with Energy that I mine out of my own physical substance and so I am as much an Abuser of Life as anyone else on the Planet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in the past to seek for those 'feel good' crap teachings because I desired to NOT look at the world and the state it is in, because even when I perceived I paid my due and felt bad about it, I was always left with the sense that maybe possibly we should do something about it but did not know what as I had judged myself as useless and hopeless within this system to Change anything, failing to see that this Change has to start with and as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear what is ahead of us and the manifested consequences we are going to face for what we have done to ourselves and each other as One, while we lived our careless Lifes of Desires and Experiences believing that it was the Life we were supposed to live and strive for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that if I had this extensive desire to Feel Good it was because I was never Fine with this world and the way things are, and that Feeling Good was my escape from the Reality of existence as Our Manifested Consequences, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I only had 2 choices, to feel bad or to feel good, failing to see that I was imprinted with the Desire to feel Good as the basis for me to accept the Consumerism System that would then SELL me the Feeling Good experiences that I could buy by selling myself out and keeping quiet about this world and the state of existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch my mum struggle with Life, trying to make sense of it as she was a miss-fit like me and for willingly embracing the system as me in fear that I would end up like her, from one psichosis to depression, while if I jumped on the bandwagon of the system, the system would take care of me and provide for me like it promised to all who toed the line

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear turning out like my mum in her dis-ease for Life as it is, that I made myself look for excuses and reasons to make sense of this senseless existence by seeking and  joining all the Soothsayers of the World that talked about Love and Hope and why it All In Fact Made sense even though evidence was everywhere that IT DID NOT but I chose to close my eyes and NOT look or I would have to question this existence and myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despise myself for seeking peace in a world at war, where my own wars and conflict I kept suppressed and hidden because I did not want to face the point that I was existing in and as conflict within myself and I did not know how to self correct myself as existence without the tools that I have been given by Desteni, and so I just did nothing and sought my own peace, making myself a piece of the problem and not a part of the Solution

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I agree with my mum when she tellls me that we have to look for the good in the world otherwise this existence wouldn't make sense, because I feared not agreeing and being the cause of her breakdown instead of the support that I believed I was by agreeing that there is GOOD in this world, even though all the good was self interest in action and investments to be collected at a later date

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for agreeing with my mum in fear that she may lose it again and as she said 'throw herself off the balcony' unless she could make sense and justify this existence, and so I suppress myself when she tells me she doesn't want to watch movies like 'The Millionaire' in which the background of Misery runs in the background as the Truth of this world, and this would make her Feel Bad, and instead I support the sharing of the Feel Good Movies that tell stories of redemption and how Life does in fact make sense, because I rather not rock the boat at home to a point where I fear I won't be able to give proper support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I second my mum because within this system if she cracked again there is noone able to offer proper support, because everything has been turned into a Money making practice, including psychological support to people that suffer from Mind Imbalances, and I fear introducing Self Forgiveness because she has already mocked me for it and failed to see the point, believing that what we do is atonement and she has done enough of it, instead of seeing Self Forgiveness is Not Atonement and is Not Self Blame, it is the crossing over from irresponsible Mind Controlled Machines into Self Response-Ability, it's the building up and correction of oneself to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sharing the practice of self Forgiveness, in fear of being labelled as a Member of a Cult, instead of seeing I have lived a life as a member of a Cult, the Cult of Culture, the Cult of Capitalism, the Cult of the religion of Self and Freedom of Choice and I am just now walking out of all Cults, so I can become Me as Life, Here in and as Breath, no longer supporting the Cult-ish existence of this World to the Money God and restoring Self Trust to myself by walking in and as the correction for myself and All of Existence Equal and One.

I commit myself to show that what we believed was valuable as in 'Feeling Good' in fear of 'Feeling Bad' IS NOT real, that our Imagined Freedom of Choice is a Trap that polarizes and divides us, making it impossible to Stand together as One for our Self as Life and the World, and that it is necessary to STOP our existence as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become to Stand in and as Self Correction for ourselves and the World, for Life and What is Best for All, Equal and One.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Day 71: Desire for The Good Life and Shame as Me

When I go to sleep now I have my personal RSS feed of all the things I have not dealt with in my Life, so I can deal with them when I am awake.
Last night dream, I was in Shanghai with some friends even though like in all dreams it was not really Shanghai and I should say they were not really my friends, meaning what I believed friends were.
We were hungry and at one point I said I knew where to go to get us some food and told my friends to wait there. I jumped on a bus and went to a bar, had 3 sandwiches made, I ate my sandwich immediately because I was hungry, then in a strange twist of fate I jumped on a plane and came back home, it took me 4 hours (this is how I know it was not Shanghai), I had a shower, washed my hair, at some point in the dream I met an acupuncturist that told me he could solve my lack of taste and smell problem and he stuck one of the permanent needles on my' third eye', so in the dream I was aware of being conscious of checking my taste and smell for signs of improvement.
At one point I realized I would have to call my friends, I had prepared a story to tell about how I had been delayed and would be back soon, would call with the mobile so they would not know I was back in Italy. The mobile had no credit, that was not good, if I would call them with my land line they would know I was back in Italy and would wonder WTF, so next best plan was to return to the airport and just fly back, I would make up something to say on my way back, but I became preoccupied that there might not be flights back and I moved into anxiety and then I woke up.
So in this dream there are a few points of how I defined myself,
Me as the problem Solver, just give me a problem and I will tackle it, nothing is too big or too small for my cunning mind
Me as the asshole with friends, yeap, this is another definition of myself, as I lived in fear that nothing  could do was ever perfect enough or above reproach to the reproachable and at one point in my life I let loose, I just found out that it did not matter what you did as you would never ever meet everyone's expectations in full so do as you wish and then have a good story for it, or make it up
Me as the seeker for a solution outside of myself for what plagues me
Me as the anxious 'I've fucked up now what' ?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and define myself as a problem solver because I saw solving problems as a point of value for myself  in a world that was full of them, where always having a solution no matter to the detriment of whom, would make me worthy and precious and give myself more chances to survive within the System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive life as a long list of problems for which developing the skill of 'problem solving' was essential, especially after finding myself in a problem situation and seeing that I was not able to tackle it effectively when one of my past bosses had a heart attack at the office and he fell on the floor while we were walking next to each other and instead of staying cool I broke into tears because I saw my job and my future melt down in a trembling scared man, and I swore to myself I would mold myself into a problem solver that could tackle any situation to never ever have to feel as helpless as I did on that occasion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself for not knowing what to do the first time I faced a problem which was in fact a very simple thing as I should have called an ambulance and I had the number written on a piece of paper stuck on the wall in my office, yet I could not perform such a simple task effectively because I panicked and ended up calling 2 ambulances while I stood in both shame for my reaction and terror for my future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a problem solver meaning someone that can be trusted while all the while I did not trust myself that if a situation that scared me would come up I would be as effective and cool as I wished to project myself but I could break down again, shaming myself and the ones who had put their trust in me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that if something comes up I can face it even if I have not thoroughly prepared for it in and as me as The Mind and within this I forgive myself for not ever trusting myself in my life but relaying on others outside of me in which I placed my trust to solve my own personal problems like my financial and health problems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to meet the perfect doctor that can fix my lack of smell and taste, because I doubt that I can in fact solve this problem by myself by applying Self forgiveness and self corrective application to get back into myself as the Physical and stopping my Life as a preprogrammed MCS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in that I can in fact do this task of bringing myself back into and as the physical because I rely on my history of never getting anything done as in finishing a task, because I have defined this walk back to Life as a task which is why I need a Time Frame and a plan 'to get it done", instead of accepting that it is not a TASK but a walk that will last until it is done and so I stop looking for timeframes within my head to pacify myself that I can do this as if it were a Marathon and I have to calculate my stamina and how to invest it, and I ACCEPT that I CAN DO THIS for as long as it takes even it is NOT TIME FRAMED AND TASK-YFIED

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear shame and being shamed, instead of seeing and realizing I am the only one that can put me through shame and that I usually move into shame when I fail to stand up to my own expectations and standards I have set for myself as an efficient problem solver

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an asshole with my friends since I gave up trying to please everyone and I went back to just pleasing me, believing that there was never enough good stuff that I could do to have their respect and consideration and so I might just as well pretend to please them while making sure I pleased myself at least, within each and every endeavour I overtook, instead of seeing there was never anything good enough I could do for MY own respect and consideration  due to the self judgement of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as Me in separation from Myself as Life Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my behaviour with friend as 'asshol-ish', not because of what they perceived I did, which I found plenty of ways to justify and make sense of, but because of what I saw that I did, which was always scheming and plotting so I would have my cake and eat it too, and no one would be the wiser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my friendships because they did not feel real no matter what I tried and invested in them, as there was always a feeling that I could not trust anyone as I failed to see that the one I really did not trust all the time was just myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put value in friendships in which I desired to be 'the best friend' as in having been given a star for a job well done, having fulfilled the friend requirements, failing to see that I sought exclusivity as value even from people I was aware I did not give a shit about, yet it was just another star for my star collection for my accomplishments in life, one of which was 'to be a good friend/possibly the best'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that desiring to be the best is just engaging the Inferiority/Superiority Construct, in which I felt inferior and so I desired to be superior, more, the best, and that every time the word "the best" is used, there must be a worst and I am back into the winner loser game just with a twist, desiring for myself the best and leaving behind the worse as thoughts and emotions and reality to be lived out by someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see extra value in 'the best' of everything, for which I sought the best in my life for myself, be it food or experiences, uncaring about those that would have to live the worse because that is what I left behind, desiring the best to prove to myself that I was the best when in fact I believed I was the worst and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the Worst

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my grandfather and grandmother teachings about the 'value of the best' while I could see even in my family that while my grandparents lived their 'the best ' life, my mum was left with the worse but I did not care as I followed my desires for the best even if these desires left my mum out as a call close to home of the damages of Inequality that I decided to NOT look at because there was no need to be upset by such things as this is the way life is, some get it sweeter and some get it harder and by God I was going to have it sweeter for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to collect leaflets of 5 star hotels, imprinting myself with the desire for a luxurious life, building up in my Mind Hopes and Dreams and expectation of how MY life was going to be, not like my mum's, a miserable slave life in government projects that I despised, my Life was going to be grand and if she was happy Being a Slave, too bad, her choice, without realizing that as I justified my desire for the best and superior life for myself and the existence of the slave life for my mother and herself, I in fact supported and justified the existence of all inequalities and iniquities in the world, as long as they would not touch me and my 5 star life, which I believed I chose for myself, not seeing I just walked on the tracks of my preprogrammed life and did not rebel to it because I saw ways to make it work for me and I did not care if others had to suffer along the way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have just a fleeting moment of joy when I was in Bangkok a few years ago and I discovered I was staying in one of the 100 best hotels in the world and I saw myself as having made my dream come true, having picked myself up from the shit hole existence my mum would have offered to me and tried to make me accept as a slave within the system, without realizing that it was just a moment and then I felt robbed by this dream that came true as not having any more anything to drive me to better and to best for myself and I saw that this was still not enough, that I still did not feel alive or accomplished and failed to see I was just a slave like my mother in a better looking cage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despise my mother for not wanting more for herself, for accepting quietly her life of misery where she was the one left out from the energy games that were going on in my family because she did not comply to the requirements of looking good and fashionable and stop wearing the horrible comfortable shoes she wore and instead make an effort like I did, so I could get into my grandparent's graces and be taken on holiday to the Grand Hotel when my mum was refused a loan from her mother but did not even tell me to not upset my relationship with the rich side of the family, failing to see that who I really despised was myself and within this I forgive myself for despising myself for the stand I took and did not take regarding my mother and our family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an asshole not starting with my friends, but going all the way back, to how I handled myself in the relationship between my family, for feeling guilty and shameful for not having a second thought about walking over my mum to get into the rich side of the family to make sure my survival was certain within the system, making up stories of perceived abuses and trespassing from my mum who worked 14 hours a day and sometime did lose her patience but was present as much as she could and yet her sacrifices and devotion angered me because I felt I owed her something and so it was easier to find faults and triggers within her personality that I could use to unleash her anger and justify why I had become this asshole that would leave her behind so I could have the good life while she tiptoed on the edge of this family never been made welcome because my grandmother, like me, had shame issues with her for having abandoned her as a kid as I perceived myself also abandoning her for my own self interest and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that this family shame was passed on to me as my grandmother lived as the suppressed shame of a woman who had to give up her daughter for her relationship with a man 5 year younger than her that started while my grandfather was at war, and that was our family big secret that was never spoken but in fact other stories were made up to cover up the secrets of shame that plagued my family and then myself  when I walked the same path of shame as who I was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and define myself as the shame I felt for the life I have lived and for blaming this shame on my mum, seeing she was the cause of my shame because if she had never existed I would not have to feel ashamed for siding with my grandparents against her and so to put an end to this shame that I believed to be me as who I really am I desired my mum died or was never existed and that I was my grandma's daughter instead of her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my mum died or never existed and for later desiring that my grandparents died too so I could inherit and live like Pippi Long Stockings, free and with money and a white horse and no more shame because all the ones that caused me shame were finally dead, instead of seeing and realizing I was always the origin and source of my own shame and the judgement of myself as an asshole, and within this I FORGIVE myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to Shame as if Shame was who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that Pippi Longstocking/Happy Days/ The Brady Bunch, and all the other Bullshit movies and series, promoting Ideal Lives either with family or even better without, were just designed as another point of desire within a system of Consumers, giving kids and teenagers a fake impression of what was possible within a family that we in fact did not have as in the exhilarating lightness of being, while all along portraying families who HAD MONEY and therefore were beyond most of the problems ordinary families face everyday and that such shows lay the basis of a society of unfulfilled desires that started with what we did not have as a 'normal happy family' as portrayed by the TV and the Movies, because the normal ordinary families are in fact struggling with MONEY PROBLEMS EVERYDAY, and do not have time to be happy and lighthearted and take care of their children in a non damaging way, instead we allow ourselves to dream for better lives and HOPE to fulfill those desires with things that we see advertised that show EXPERIENCES that we could possibly buy for ourselves if we work hard enough and accept the destiny of our lives without caring about what everybody in this world is in fact facing in the physical reality of things

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the reality I wished for was just somewhere else to be found and not obviously in Italy where we did not have Happy days or White Horses and that this led me onto a Quest, looking for that elusive experience which is what we call 'a good life' while I dragged myself along, unsatisfied with everything I lived because it NEVER matched the Dreams I had piled up about beautiful happy lives within Happy families and Great friends, not seeing or realizing that those reality are just a make belief world as experiences and NOT Life, while I lived disregarding Life Here in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life Here in every moment of Breath, because I found out that Here there is no energy moving me, driving me to the next dream and desired experience, and that Life Here in Breath is nothing like an experience of Spirituality with high feelings and Hopes for the next best thing to come, instead Life Here is what I make of it in every moment of Breath and has no experiential context or energy to move me but it requires that I move myself from one task to another by an act of Self Will through Self Directive principle to stand Here in as Breath as Life in Oneness and Equality for What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving behind my life that I have defined as a series of experiences, looking for the best one all the time, failing to see that when I define Life as an experience I am living a Self Delusion of Energy which is Not Life and to which I have abdicated Life Here in and as Breath because I chose the exciting ride over the simplicity of Life as Breath, and within this I forgive myself for choosing excitement and self fulfillment over Life in Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others in fear for  my own survival, having identified Money as the Source of Happiness and All that IS Good and yet for not having ever considered that if Life was Good and safe only with Money, Money should be Equally Given as Life to All, to stop what we have become as in stopping our Fear of Survival we would have the time to reassess ourselves and make amends to ourselves and others for not having lived as Life One and Equal but as Monsters seeking the next source of Money as Energy as Life as what we have accepted and allowed Money to become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious because 'I have fucked up now what?' and for not realizing this is not relative to a specific event, but to my life in general as I have judged my life experience as a series of unstoppable fuck ups in which I outdid myself with time in growing into the Asshole of the century, and that I will never in fact be able to fix The Past, instead of realizing I feel anxious because of my own judgements that there was nothing I could ever do to fix myself, but now that I have discovered the Desteni Tools I see that I can delete what I have done and who I believe and perceived I have been and how I have defined myself, so that I can rewrite myself into a Self Honest being that supports Life and no longer seek the ever elusive value of Energy/Experiences/Money above Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Experiences that would lead to my filing of Happy Memories were more important that Life as Me, Here in every moment of Breath, failing to see that no matter how good some of my experiences I have filed both, the negative and the positive, because my Life has been a Life of Polarity and Duality and the Good can never come without the Bad, and that to Stop the Bad of this world the Good must go as well, so that Life as Breath, Here, beyond polarities can be born from the Physical in Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

I commit myself to stop my existence as Desire for Experiences, as I see realize and understand that experiences are not Life and they leave behind memories that are Not Life, on which we base the rest of experiences to come in a never ending loop of dissatisfaction from one energy high to an energy drop, instead of giving up experiences as Energy delusions and embracing Life Here in and as every moment of Breath

I commit myself to embrace Life Here in every moment of Breath, one Breath at the Time

Day 70: I Deserve a Star, Why Won't You Give it to Me?

When we start to look at ourselves and the world it's amazing how we could have missed out on so many clues that were showing us Who we Have accepted and Allowed Ourselves to be and become.
We believe things originate from the outside like the Customer Feedback System, and we miss out that in fact we are playing outward everything that started inward.
When I was working, Customer Feedback was very important, it is what guarantees that a Customer is Happy and will be coming back for more, whole Polling Systems have been created to quantify the 'satisfaction' level of the Customer Base of a Company.
Last night I had a dream, this dream is a repeat dream, I just change my clothes and the environment, the essence is always the same.
It's about my ex husband giving me a Negative Feedback.
Last night I brought him into a New Environment, I upped my chances for the desired Positive Feedback and brought him into the Desteni environment, we were gathering for a Self Forgiveness assignment that looked more like an exam, I do not remember the details just how disappointed I felt yet again for his negative feedback which was not specifically verbal yet the clear display of disinterest for me, and anything I did, played out while he played with his phone without giving ME attention and on how he missed out to be at the place he said he would be to pick up and deliver a group of us to the established Venue, in the dream I felt like crying in frustration and wanting to scream, why are you not giving me the positive feedback and recognition that I crave so much ? Not even now, that I am standing up to Change Myself to Change the World, what else am I supposed to do before I get 'this thing' I so much want?
Which at the same time made me feel pathetic, I lived a life as the desire for positive feedback in my own Mental Corporation, selling out, making sure the customers were satisfied and would come back for more, guaranteeing my survival as an energy system that feeds others to be fed back, so I can live my illusion and delusion of a Life that is worth living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself as a kid with the fear of negative feedback which could possible build up all the way to shouting and violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire positive feedback as a way to feel appreciated and thus safe within my environment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of stress searching for this elusive 'positive feedback' fearing the 'negative feedback' and never in between being Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother because of this 'disease to please' that she passed on to me instead of seeing and realizing she could only pass on who she was and why it is paramount that we stand for a change at the level of Parenting before a Child is brought into the World to avoid passing on patterns and constructs that do not serve Life or What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to please as a way to have a positive feedback that made me feel good about myself vs making me feel bad in the case of the negative feedback, validating my existence as an energy system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that this belief into the value of Positive Feedback is imprinted into us at all levels of society, starting from school where they grade us and rate us, to prepare us to become the perfect slave consumers, where products represent the positive feedback of the consumerist system that we believe will make us feel good as in the positive feedback we received in school and that everything that we value has the same original symbols of our original imprinting as STARS, where the highest the number of stars of a product or a venue the highest the positive emotional feedback  reward we are going to give to ourselves, which shows how the Elite is just as enslaved as we are to the positive feedback of the STAR system and the only thing that divides us is the Money we have access to, to get the feedback we need to validate our existence as Consumers of Energy/Substance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lead myself as a blind through a maze of experiences, believing that experiences=Life, approving or disapproving of myself according to how many stars I could give to my experiences=Life and for resenting when others would not give me my Star for a 'job well done/ a good behaviour' to show me how pleased they were with my performance, transforming myself into a circus number performing for that moment of applause and gratification that I would get for my job well done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated myself when I did not get a positive feedback because it showed me that I was BAD, failing to see I am the one who has accepted and allowed all this value system to exist in place of Life as the Only Value and so I believed I hated myself for Never being Here, in Self Expression in and as Breath, where the Value is no longer sought because the value of Life is Life and one and Equal to me when I am Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when I receive negative feedback according to my own judgements and charges of what negative is, it is something personal that I have to take as a point of diminishment because I was not able to get the positive feedback that would validate me as an effective energy system gearing for that high that I believe meant 'I was alive and doing 'good''

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others within the game of positive and negative feedback as a way to hold others hostage to my same disease, holding grudges as a negative feedback or making nasty remarks to underline how much they did not please ME as I believed they would get the negative feedback and would experience 'feeling bad and diminished' about themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn myself into a Corporation seeking for Clients that would give me a positive feedback as in the assurance they would come back for more energetic exchanges from which I could draw the meaning and purpose of my existence as a positive feedback energy collector

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the Corporations of the World for doing exactly what I have done all my Life, seeking the positive feedback of customers so they would come back for more assuring my existence through the continuation of positive energy feedback that for the Corporations translated into Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify the source of one of my most displeased customer in my ex husband and for not being willing to let it go because I had to find ways to 'right' that 'wrong' impression and negative feedback/indifference he kept showing me so I could get back my value that I had misplaced in the desire for his positive feedback as a confirmation of my value and worth, in separation from myself as Self Value/Self Worth Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my perceived and believed negative feedback and indifference from my ex husband as if it was real, and not something I made up to show myself that I would have to let go this point or I would torture myself, instead I held on to it as a point of diminishment that I could use against myself as self sabotage to show myself how unworthy and useless I really felt behind my confident personality presentation of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am useless and worthless when I do no get a positive feedback or when I get a negative feedback, instead of seeing I am just seeking outside the Value of Me from which I have separated myself accepting and allowing that Life is about Energy and Good Energy feeds, instead of seeing and realizing that Life is here in the physical in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for energetic experiences of Positive Feedback in fear of negative feedback, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that Life doesn't need a feedback, only an energy system does and I am walking to STOP my existence as an energy system to birth myself as Life in the Physical, One and Equal with everything that exists

When and as I see myself looking for memories of my ex husband negative feedback as a way to abuse myself and remind myself how I failed in my Life so much so I have stored all the negative feedback as a point of diminishment til I believed there was nothing left of me, I stop, Breathe, assess the memory to see if it still holds energetic charges, if not I delete it and let it go through Self Forgiveness until I have cleared myself from all my perceived positive and negative feedback as a way to value myself as Life, reminding myself that Life is Here in Breath and not within energetic swings generated by me as the Mind and keep walking myself as Self Correction for what is best for Me and What is Best for All, One and Equal.

I commit myself to stop my existence as a positive energy feedback seeker and as fear of negative feedback, as I realize see and understand that Life needs no feedback for Value as the Value of Life IS Life itself.