A Director's Journey to Life: Day 144: Deleting the Hatchet Consultant/Director

Deleting:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character that wants to get rid of inept people at work because they stand in the way of the Company performance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people as The Money System, as in profitable or not profitable and for desiring to trash all the non profitable ones

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the value of a being at work is related to how he performs and that when he under-performs or when I have an opinion about his/her lazy attitude they should be trashed because they are of no use to the system as efficient cogs in the machine, instead of seeing that we All have Equal value as Life and no one should be trashed out of their lifeline because they have not aligned to 'system requirements'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people must perform 'well' at work to be of any value because the ones that did not were discarded and I feared being discarded and trashed and experiencing myself as devalued

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some people who are incompetent and arrogant should just be kicked out of a company, instead of seeing and realizing they have become arrogant because they are incompetent and they fear to lose their jobs and their right to live as a job within this system means the ability to make money and buy one's place within the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being labeled as arrogant and incompetent, especially if the two are paired together

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up my mind about people and how they work and once I have made up my mind about their ineptitude I just look for proofs that they are inept beyond repair and they have to be disposed, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a good manager gets rid of the dead weight inside a company to gain the respect of other employees who are carrying some of the dead weight's workload

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't care to be hated at work, when in fact I desire to be loved and one way I go about it is to trash and throw out of the company the people that I see have become a source of discontent, because it would require more time for me to help and support them to correct themselves within a working environment for which I perceive I am responsible and because I believe that people 'just don't change'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, once I step into the Hatchet Consultant Character, just no longer see any common sense, such as, can this guy/lady make a living out of here or should we keep him/her because he can't make a living and help and support him/her to find a way to give his best even within a tedious routine oriented environment, because this is what we are working with at the moment and unless he/she aligns with it he/she will have to leave, if not through me, through someone above me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated once I have made up my mind as the Hatchet Character about somebody and the time for 'off with the head' has come, if someone at the last moment steps in in their defence, and to perceive this movement as a betrayal as in something personal against me and my authority "what do you mean, I am doing this FOR YOU as well, why are YOU doing this to me?"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uneasy about thinking to throw someone out of the company and for seeing that I could just step into my Hatchet Director Character where all guilt goes away, because I am just doing my job and there is nobody that can save such a dumbass from himself/herself if at his/her age he has not yet understood how to toe the line and carry his share of the shitload

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent the ones that resist leaving the company once I have decided they should no longer be there, because come on, you know what YOU are doing, and NOT doing that is creating this situation, so why are you resisting the inevitable, instead of just packing your things and leaving and maybe start afresh in a new job, ah yes, you are resisting because this job is your only chance to live, too bad, you created this for yourself, move along, we have work to do here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that once I have identified someone to be hatched when I move into a company, that they too should agree with me, making my job less unpleasant, because I don't like getting rid of people who need a job to live and who have a family, and so I have to force myself to not think about these points or the difficulties he/she may encounter once out of the company, because I am just doing my job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Hatchet Consultant Character, as I saw that people's jobs were not guaranteed and there was nothing safe in this world, and it was better to cross the line and move among the ones that do the Hatching than be among the ones Hatched, so basically I created this Character out of Fear of one day losing my job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by the Hatchet Character, in which times I cannot hear any reason or have no Self Will to stop myself to consider the other person because I have launched myself into a mission, Hatching, and whatever follows afterward is of no relevance to me because I have made up my mind, meaning I am in full possession as the Hatchet Consultant/Director

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, if I do the Hatching of the dead weights once I step into the Company, I will get respect and will promote a fearful situation where people will fear to lose their job around me if they under-perform or are just lazy bums and everything will run more smoothly for everybody

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that promoting Fear among the People who need a job to 'make a living' is an act of cruelty and that if I am in a position of leadership I should promote a Fear Free environment as what is best for All, as in no one is left behind as the assurance that everyone's job is in fact guaranteed, and help and support the ones who are slower or less efficient to catch up so that they won't lose their jobs by my hand or by someone above me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having respect in the workplace is important and that whatever I need to do to get that respect is acceptable, because one needs "respect" to manage other people and since 'respect' is a working tool I am justified in what I have to do to get unconditional respect as a tool to operate smoothly within the company

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Respect is best and most easily obtained through Fear, because my mother used Fear to get my respect and I actually did not respected her but hated her quietly and suppressed everything inside pretending respect to stay out of trouble

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat my family's behaviour and opinions and delusions about 'respect' and how to get it and for dreading not having it from the people I was supposed to manage, because how can I manage without respect?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that we need 'respect' for management, which basically is an admission of inferiority that I try to balance out while I stand in the company hierarchy as above/superior and so demanding by the Right of the Hierarchy to be respected as More and Above and not One and Equal to all the workers within the company

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that leadership means being MORE and Above others, because one leads from the front and who is in front is first, the winner and the others are just the losers who have to tag along on the road that I design for them to walk on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people as more or less according to how much money they make and what position they cover within a company's hierarchical chart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see everyone as an Equal because I bought into the idea that some people are more important than others within a company according to how much money they make and the position they cover, because we are not all born equals and we are not equals anywhere and a Boss is more than an employee, it's obvious or he/she would not be The Boss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell my staff 'don't call me Boss' playing out a fake Equality which was clearly never there, because the Hatchet Character believes she has the right of life and death over people and their jobs and their right to 'make a living/surviving in the system'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly enjoy when my staff called me Boss and to enjoy as well telling them to not call me Boss as an Act of Grandeur, as I gave up -apparently-my right to superiority and power for fake Equality as a point of Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of losing a job, since I was once fired when I was 17 and run away to Ireland and they offered me a job in a Fish and Chips shop, and I stole chocolate because I believed they paid me shit and I was entitled to at least have access to the chocolate bars as a compensation, and when it fell from my pockets as I was going out and I faced that moment of utter shame, I decided I was never going to feel that way again and I would do anything in my power to grow to the other side of the power line to never ever be in a position to be laid off and experience myself the same way again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I suppressed this memory as far as possible to never relive the shame and guilt I felt, not remember or see that whenever I would do this to another I would in fact subject them to the same guilt and shame, and yet I did not care because the point was always that I should never experience myself that way, the others, if by their age have not managed to catch up and work out the system, they could fuck off

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live one and equal to the shame and guilt of that moment in which I was found out for stealing chocolate bars, not because I stole, but because I became exposed and could not deny that I did steal the chocolate bars or explain why I got to the point of feeling entitled because I was overworked and paid peanuts in a shitty job and so I was left with my shame and guilt I chocked back all the way until I got back home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up stories about why I was right and they were wrong to lay me off, because they should have seen that I deserved more money or chocolate bars in the lieu of money, instead they kept pulling the rope until it broke, instead of owning up to the fact that I should have asked for what I thought I deserved and not bottle up just to come to a point of entitlement in my own mind in which there was no reasonable doubt that I in fact was not stealing but squaring the books, except when the owner of the fish and chip shop looked at the fallen chocolate bars and then at me like 'what the fuck were you thinking?'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when something proves me wrong, I have to make up a story to prove me right, instead of seeing and realizing how it was that I drove myself to the point of entitlement, which is a pattern I have lived out again and again that even though I did not play out in the same way, left me feeling the same, frustrated, overworked and underpaid, until I would leave my jobs , no mater what they offered me to stay because I always took the point that 'they did not give me what I deserved' as Their fault and Not my responsibility to state my price clearly and not rely on others to read my Mind or to guesstimate what value I have in Mind that would make me feel justly paid, that I don't wish to communicate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do to others what I did not enjoy done onto me, stepping into a company just to revamp it and redesigning logistics and responsibilities and within this believing that it was my duty to get rid of the dead weight, while I kept playing out the reversal of my moment of shame and guilt, trying to get even with the world so I would no longer be the only one carrying such shame and guilt, all done through a Character, the Hatchet, because if I would stop and see the consequences into other people lives I would have made different decisions both about the words I spoke and about the stand I took to reduce the useless and inept staff

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I did showed my strength as a woman, that they should not fuck with us since we had more balls than all the men within a company that wanted, wished some staff fired but did not have the balls to do it, but I did, failing to see that maybe the men for whom their identity is so invested in their careers, just did not want to do to others what was unbearable for them which made me in fact the only one wanting people out of companies into the street, so I could even out the book from when I perceived myself as bad, to now perceiving myself as good as in having the kind of power that makes or break someone's present and future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry my Hatching deeds or prospect Hatching deeds as a badge of honour that proved I was one not to fuck with at work, instead of seeing and realizing I had just slipped into Corporatism and Capitalism up to my neck, believing and accepting that Money is more important and above Life, because around me my Life was never respected, but when I had money in my pocket All games changed and so Money was obviously More Powerful/Important than Life, because without Money you die, oops, even without Life you Die, in fact when you no longer have a physical body that is when you are really dead and Gone, I just did not see it that way at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some people that I have pushed out of a company or just compensated and asked them to leave, just asked for it, deserved it, just because they were slow and did not get how it is to become efficient in the system so your job is secured, and for never developing the mercy to see that in a system where Job=Money and Money=Life, it would have been my responsibility to stand in and as support instead of in and as the hand that severed their lifeline to the system

I commit myself to delete the Hatchet Consultant Character because it doesn't support Life or What is best for All

I commit myself to, if I should ever cover such a position of Power again, investigate all ways through which I can support and help someone to grow enough to hold his place effectively within the system, not by doing their jobs and creating credits for myself inside of me, but by helping them to see how we work on timelines and priorities regarding production and organization, to share my knowledge regarding office efficiency without reserve and unconditionally until the other person can walk the point effectively by themselves

I commit myself to support All Life, within and without the working environment, by walking my Path of Self Correction to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to, if I should see that this Character still exists and My Mind offers me to step into it in full gear, to stop, Breathe, remind myself that as this Character I have nothing of value or worth to share or give or Breathe into existence, so I keep my mouth shut and Breathe myself back into the Physical and I commit myself to not speak until I am sure I have no reactions or links to this Character and if need be, to reopen this File until this Character is forever deleted, for myself as Life and All of Existence, Equal and One.