Day 371: Do I 'Mind'? Yes, unfortunately 'I Still Do Mind'...

I have been off my Mind Blogs for sometime now, mainly because I have not made the effort to overcome what was going on in my private life to find the Time to go back to self support as writing.

It would seem quite idiotic to not do the one thing that could effectively support me through this time of transition, but hei, this is the nature of me as The Mind, all about survival and no brains at all, no brains of the kind that helps to sort things out, this is why we remind to each other to go back to writing, when we don't we risk to be sucked back into Mind games, we risk self diminishment, self judgement, we risk to participate in meaningless tirades about who we have been, what we have done and everything we have participated in that we are not so proud of after all, instead of taking the time to just delete and move on, using the tools I have learnt with Desteni.

So, in this first blog returning from the Depth of Minding my own businesses, I will start with clearing the perception of myself as someone who shouldn't be entitled to write at all, because I have married many different causes before and I have seen me, as the Mind, using this specific point to belittle myself, to make sure that I won't have the balls to stand up because I shouldn't, because I have been a spokeperson for too many theories and belief system that I should have the decency to just shut up.

Instead, I won't. I will never shut up again, I have had many lives, none of which worth of any note because they were all targeting one point, my self fool-fillment and not seeking solutions to realign myself so that I can be one point that starts to broadcast Me as the World I want to live in.

Here is my self forgiveness on this specific point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to intimidate myself and bully myself about having lost the right to self expression due to the many causes and belief system I have been a spoke person for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could lose credibility if I stood up for Change because of my past and the past lives I have lived as a tarot reader, crystal healer, positive thinker and Abraham Hicks supporter, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that what I participated in doesn't define me unless I accept myself to be defined by it as who I am vs realizing that what I participated in was a quest to seek the truth about this creation and why I am here and in no way diminishes my ability to stand up and say I got it all wrong and I am now ready to realign and walk a process of real self change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to speak up, write blogs and share my new stance about existence and my role within it, I would be ridiculed and be told 'give it up already' instead of seeing realizing and understanding I have always feared my own self judgement about what I participated in for self aggrandizement and not the judgement of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when seeing the name of my ex pop up on Skype, go into an anxiety about 'what if he reads what I write and then goes on to tell others that I am now involved with this 'new cult' and that I haven't changed because I am still at it, talking about ways to change myself when everyone knows that 'people don't change''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think and speak the words 'People dont/never change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest value in my 'ex husband' opinion of me as more valuable than what I am doing to change myself and for accepting and allowing myself to freeze at the idea of him rolling his eyes in contempt about the fact that what I am doing is 'unscientific, not proven to work and is just an idea in my head - not unlike the many others I pursued before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play out in my mind the distress I would feel if such an event would take place instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just my own self indulged creation coming to bite me back and that I can correct this imagination point by deleting it and no longer allowing myself to participate within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared at the idea that I have compromised my ability to share with others in common sense because I have participated in a lot of activities that lacked common sensical investigation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am walking the consequences of my unaware participation in reality and that I can correct this point by standing unwavering accumulating common sensical points until common sense is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my lack of participation in writing due to what was going on in my private life, as adjusting to a relationship that turned out to be way more demanding than I first 'thought' when I did not evaluate all the points I would have to be involved with to support this person, until he can speak Italian properly and move independently without my help

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and filled with resentment because I accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship choice based on a nice solid ass, which is not much of a point one can base a relationship on, and for then facing the fact that I can't walk away as I have always done blaming him for not being able to keep up the pace of words with me, because I knew this point would need time and for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated at the amount of time this process is taking instead of seeing and realizing that learning a language is a time based process as one accumulates words and understanding and that it was my own ass-based assumptions that made it into something else before I entered the relationship, so I would not have to consider the time point which would have been a minus while I was wanting to collect only pluses to go and live out this relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself and then bully others because I did not take the time to unbully myself in writing to avoid passing on my self abuse in the form of abuse to others

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up points about my past participation as a way from preventing myself from writing out my mind and what is going on within me, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is just a form of self sabotage and that I have the choice to not participate and move to writing myself out instead

When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear the judgement of others about my current participation -yet again- within a cult-ish group, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing cult-ish about Desteni but the label someone attached to it as a form of prevention from having to face ourselves as The Mind and keep on walking my process in self support for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming impatient with my partner because he doesn't master words at the speed I do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there are many other ways in which he is supporting me and that I am singling out this point of words as an excuse to bully him and belittle him when I accept and allow myself to bully and belittle myself, so I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, do not accept to speak words in reaction that are not supportive and are creating consequences in mine and his life and instead offer the support required to him to be able to master this language in the time it will take - that cannot be set by my ideas or opinions about it in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself desiring to blame him for my lack of participation within process, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that this is in fact self Dis'One-est as it has never been his fault if I faded away but my own responsibility to not give in to the Mind in self doubt and self judgement until I had to push to stand up again and keep walking

I commit to no longer suppress what is going on within me to the point of accumulation but instead to support myself through writings, SF and SCA until I can stand stable to keep walking my process with my group as the seed of the Humanity that will come, One and Equal, until it's done

Related articles

• 289: 'Be Positive' says the Distraction
• 276: Pimples, Projections and Perceptions
• 295: The Hidden Ego

Day 297: Redefining A Life of Escaped Negativity

Once I was no longer a kid the idea of negativity was already clear to me:

Negativity -a bad feeling place that is not nice to experience and is not appreciated by others, I never considered it wasn't even real, I was too busy staying away from it.

Of course once I defined negativity as a place I did not want to be, the search for positivity and positive experiences started.

I moved school to the intermediate school, the 3 compulsory years of education we had to do at the time beyond elementary school.

To the state it was enough that we could read and write, so we could sign cheques, mortages and effectively commit to our lives of debts.

I had the privilege of a private education, having experienced both I can say that there is absolutely no comparison between private and public education.

While my private education was tainted by nuns getting on their desk to show us how Christ was crucified or attempting to defame sexuality as 'the original sin', there was the real intent to teach.

I excelled in Math until I realized that what I did was not 'normal', meaning the way I saw numbers was not normal, math operations were like a movie in my head, I did not add or multiplied as I had learned, I just saw the numbers morphing into solutions.

When we were evaluated for our further education skills, I was told I would have to embark on scientific studies, I was designed for that, some of my math grades were embarrassingly high, I say embarrassingly because I was aware that there was no merit in what I did.

My mum made a lot of sacrifices to send me to private scientific studies, 30 years ago the yearly fee of my private school was 2000 euro.

When I arrived in the new school from the sheltered catholic life I had a shock, first the teachers changed for every subject, that was hard, plus the students were rich, way richer than my family and hence I had an immediate perception of loss of value.

This was externalized by how poorly I fitted in, I did not have the right clothes, the right accessories, the right bag, the right family, beyond what my mum did to pay for this school she couldn't do more, she worked many long hours in the evenings keeping the accountancy for the company my grandma was the Finance Director for, instead of feeling grateful for everything she did, I felt resentful.

I felt it was her fault that I had to deal everyday with those feelings of inferiority just because she wanted to send me to this upper class school, when we were not 'upper class' and this is when our relationship started to strain, I feel sad as I write this as I see how I have laid the first stones that I then had to excuse throughout my life always blaming her for our bad relationship.

In January there was an accident with a schoolmate, he told me his dad died and that was why he was doing poorly at school, I told the literature teacher so he could have some lenience for his poor performance but it turned out to just be a joke, they thought I was a softie and it was worth to mock the softness and the concern for others out of me.

When the story came out I felt embarrassed, stupid and asked myself what was I doing in a world I did not understand and where I did not fit in. I wanted to die, I took 2 blisters of pills, turned out they were nothing dangerous but I played the part with my stepfather for some pity, he said that would be our secret so my mum would not worry more than she already did about me. Nothing happened, I lived.

In February I gave up, I stopped going to school and went to the park instead, my mum worked it out only a few months later and told me to go and stay with my grandma for a while or she would kill me.

Of course my grandparents took the chance to play the 'good cops' and welcomed me with open arms for that summer.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the value of Life lay in the money we had access to, in our family "worth", clothes, external appearance, ability to buy what was trendy and to fit in instead of seeing realizing and understanding I was born into the consequences of a world we built in separation without consideration for Life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for my math skills as I became aware I had no merit for how numbers solved themselves in my mind and for feeling bad for my schoolmates who could not get math because I failed to explain to them how what I did just happened to me and was not a skill

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was something wrong with me when I discovered my mind did not process information like the minds of the people around me and instead of asking myself questions about why some had some skills from birth and some didn't, which would have been the beginning of my questioning the whole validity and benevolence of this existence, I settled to capitalize on my birth skills to gain a "moreness" for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum sent me to the new expensive school making it clear that we would have to make sacrifices for me to access this expensive education, to resent her choice to try and give me an advantage I did not care for instead of giving me the things that would have made me fit in, cool clothes, right accessories and a worthy family I could be proud of

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about resenting my mum and her efforts for my future and instead of looking at that guilt and correcting my stance about my resentment, find ways and reasons to blame her for my poor performance at school, making up a convenient perception of my childhood as difficult, hard, full of crazy people when in fact we all have it hard on this earth because our starting point through which we designed our experiences is one of separation and fear that could only as a consequence create a reality such as the one we live in

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my childhood as negative as an excuse for my behavior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I had the props that seemed required to fit into the rich crowd, I was less than them, and for allowing myself to diminish myself until I could no longer face school and lost the opportunity to make myself effective in life within the specific abilities I was born with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let go of my math abilities as a way to feel 'normal', fearing to 'not be normal' as it was for sure not normal to jump to the results of equations without doing the intermediate steps which I was always reprimanded for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty every time someone mentioned how good I was at math, because I had not taken the physical steps to that knowledge but had just access to it and hence I felt like a cheat, dishonest, someone who took short cuts even though I could not explain how the short cuts worked and why I was able to do that

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let go math which was a point in which I felt a real connection to myself for my desire for normality, defining normality as the lessening of everyone to the lowest point of existence vs striving for a normaity that would reach for the highest expression of our existence and our abilities for All, Equally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I stopped going to school and for lying to my mum about everything being fine, living in an absurd state of anxiety waiting for the truth to blow up in my face until it did

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to internalize the accident during which I felt ridiculed and mocked by my classmate as a moment of defeat, failure as a human being and for wanting to opt out because I believed I could not face the shame of going back to class after having been the object of ridicule for my naiveness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to end my life, defining a successful life as one in which I would be accepted, which was part of the reason why I told the teacher about my classmate, to be good and concerned about him, and when that did not work and became the very reason for which I was ridiculed to believe my life made no sense and I should give it up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to turn dark, seeking for famous poets and writers that would support my bleak idea of existence, writing on my diary that "Death is paid with Life', as if Death was the value I would have to live for and not Life, and within this for participating in the creation and acceptance of this world of Death vs a world of Life for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to entertain thoughts about killing myself until I decided I was too much of a coward to even do that and then I turned the table saying that it was easy to die and the hard thing was living - designing for myself a hard life to live to prove myself right

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attempt to brush all negativity under the rug, refusing to face my own negative experience of myself because I held a judgement toward negativity as 'BAD" and not a place I was willing to go to, and within this accumulating consequences over consequences as I skipped and hopped across my negativity jumping on one positive experience after another, just to fall back on my unresolved negativity when the energy of positivity would run out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experiences of negativity, for trying to push 'negative' experiences and negative people away, failing to see myself in what I did not want to face, my own self defined negativity and my own self defined negative experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear negativity as something to run from, to suppress, to cover up and hide as in this desire I became an easy target for drugs and mind altering substances and gave myself and my life up to pot which I defined as the solution to the experience of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my step father said we would have 'our little secret' to feel dirty and dis-honest toward my mother, adding another reason to resent her as the cause of my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let my past experiences define who I would become and who I believed I was, without seeing, realizing and understanding that nothing I experienced was real and that I just kept myself busy swinging between polarities as a form of mind entertainment instead of bringing myself back here to sort myself out once and for all with regard to my definition of 'negativity' and my experience with it, as it, that I ended up believing to be who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was the negativity I tried to escape from instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, negativity doesn't define me nor does positivity, those are just expressions of myself as the Mind, none worthier than the other but a distraction from being here stable in and as breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was the experience of my feelings and emotions, for believing that how I felt defined me as who I really am, instead of seeing and realizing I had the power to define myself, redefine myself in fact, to bring myself back into alignment to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One

to be continued

Related articles

• Day 295: Redefining A "Negative" Childhood
• Day 150: Recommitting Myself to Breath - Day 7 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge
• Day 131 - Part 10: The Consequences of what I Accept in a Moment
• Day 315 Being a Fucking Loser Part 5

Day 279: I Can't Hear You because I insist on Being Me

I have experienced resistance and stress at the idea of seeing the lady that comes to me for massage.

She has mental problems and is on medication and when she comes she loops into the same questions over and over until I reach the irritation point.

The 'put yourself in her shoes' has not worked so far because I have put MySelf in her shoes and tried to address her questions as Me, which was impossible, the answer that would trigger me to a realization were only sending her deeper into depression and then, when I felt responsible for her and her depression due to how poorly I was handling this communication, I blamed her and the resistance to seeing her started to build up.

Then I had a chat with a friend and I saw what he was saying to me so clearly that I felt ashamed for how I had gone about this point.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that if I could be triggered into a self realization by some specific words or sentences, so should others, just because they would have worked for me instead of stopping myself from looking for ways to 'trigger' me to self realize something and the extend it to another but just bring myself Here so I can effectively Hear what is going on with this being AS me and address it as me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that she 'didn't want to get it' because I feared I was unable to communicate with her effectively and instead of taking self responsibility I rather blamed her for not getting my answer vs me not getting her questions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that if someone comes to me for support and I judge my support as not effective enough to help them to sort their mind out, I am being ineffective instead of seeing realizing and understanding I can't change another nor it is my job to but to stand in stability without going into reactions about why they are not changing to what I see would be most beneficial for them and their health

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that when I insist on being me, fishing through my life experiences for support in a moment when I allow myself to drift into my Mind for solutions, I can't hear what is being said to me because I am not Here but in my Mind filtering everything that is spoken through my own filters, judgements and past experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the difference between putting myself in someone's shoes vs being Here as them which is not the same thing, as when I put Me in their shoes I'm still Me and if I am Me I am separate and unable to hear what is going on Here that I need to address to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to insist on shaking this lady out of her comfort zone in the belief that this is what she needed, because that is what I would have needed, and when I saw the sign of extreme distress to blame it on her as someone who doesn't want to change instead of seeing my responsibility for what I was attempting to do that was causing distress in another for absolutely no good reason

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move myself into resistance at the idea of seeing this lady again because I made her responsible for how I perceived myself as ineffective and unsuccessful in helping her sort out herself in and as her mind, instead of seeing and realizing that I can only stand as an example of someone who is not battered and victimized by my own mind for her to see solutions to herself, if she is seeking for them and wants to make the decision to change and hence I was resisting having to face that I do not stand as an example because I was allowing myself to react to the point that she is not changing and for reacting to the fact that she is not changing out of her depression, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when the penny dropped and I saw that I have in fact been abusing her for my own personal desire to be one that can 'change people' as a healer vs just being Here to Hear what another says beyond my personalities, desires and expectations

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the point that she tries to make people around her responsible for her health without seeing, realizing and understanding she can't make me responsible for her unless I take on the responsibility in wanting to be more than I am for my own personal self aggrandisement which has nothing to do with what she is doing at any moment in time but with what I am allowing to boost myself and my Ego, which is then followed by a fall when my secret desires for her improvement as a testimony that I am effective and good at what I do, fail to show up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I am not good at sorting her and her depression out, she will go and badmouth me and I may lose my chance to build up a good reputation for me and within this for taking on the responsibility to sort her out to hold on to a good reputation and then resenting her and blaming her for having given me the responsibility of herself vs me having taken on this responsibility for self interest and fear for my future

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to spend hours in my mind thinking up all the speeches I could give her to make sure she understands that she is not my responsibility, when in fact it is me that didn't understand that she is not my responsibility due to my self interest in having her sorted out as a good reference for future clients and that when that became threatened and I feared she may be not pleased with what she received from me, to move into a defensive stance from which I could no longer Hear her as I was too busy trying to cover all my bases, and for this, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself faced with the point of interacting with another within a frame of a service that I give in exchange for money and I see I am moving or about to move into some fear, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I have to give a service at the best of my ability as a stance of who I am and not for any return of energy as positive feedback or good emotional return and when I see that I am moving into that expecting space, I stop, breathe, and bring myself back Here in and as Breath

When and as I see myself trying to read in between the words of another, in between the lines, looking for the fine print, I stop, breathe, see that I am in fact not Here because all those activities happen in and as me as the Mind, so I stop as the decision to stop and return myself Here to participate with what is real and not what I am making up or attempting to make up in and as me as the Mind

When and as I see myself wanting to have a specific outcome from a situation in the hope that I will feel good about myself and satisfied, I stop, breathe, remind myself that any expectation I set up for a future outcome sets me up for a disappointment, instead I practice being Here more consistently in and as Breath to face the moment for what it is and address it for an outcome that is best for All

I commit myself to catch myself when I try to be 'Me' as support for another so that I may STOP my Me-ness which is a point of separation and not a point of support for myself or others so, use breathing to earth myself so that I may expand myself beyond my Me boundaries and embrace what is Here in every moment of Breath

Related articles

• 165 - Personalities to Blame You With
• 176 - Self-Punishment
• Day 232 - The Problem With Positivity - The Solution
• Day 102: Tracking down, Shame

Day 256: The Experience of Others -My Responsibility?

Today the husband of the lady that comes to me for massages -that has lately joined her for his back pain - called me to tell me they won't be coming tomorrow because they had a very bad night and she has moved back into her blamefull hateful Character for which she is on antidepressants. He seemed to want to share how bad it had been, I told him to ask her if she wanted to come up in the afternoon for a coffee and he said 'I will ask her when she allows me to talk to her at the moment she doesn't want to see me, she has been blaming me all night - the psychiatrist will come tomorrow'.

I moved almost immediately into anxiety and went looking for my responsibility for how she is experiencing herself, I tried to resist her attempts to put the responsibility for her health in my hands all the time when I was aware of what she was doing, returning this responsibility to her every single time and underlining that it was in this responsibility for her health and herself that the power to get better was but it's a lifetime habit that I saw her resisting nail and tooth, regardless of pushing back the responsibility at all times prior to today I had a couple of episodes in which I did ask myself 'what did I do wrong?' as a result of her changing mood or reverting back to the 'Complainer Character'.

I had a tinge of angry backchat as well during which I went and interpreted her abusive behavior as just that, a fucking abuse she covers up with personality problems, but what do I know, some are so far down the line into personalities and Character's Possession that they have lost their ability to self direct and are just taken over, specifically due to how we are made to believe what happens into our minds is a random occurrence on which we are powerless, until we believe it. 

How else could the Psycho drug industry thrive off Mental Illnesses?

When I was a kid my mum used to blame me for her mood changes, initially she would use an event that could "objectively" be taken as my responsibility such as a poor grade at school but as time progressed and so did her mood imbalance, she would either make up things I allegedly did, said or 'thought' -but she could see the incriminating thought clearly from my face from her superior 'parent position' she claimed- to make me responsible for how she experienced herself.

I believed I was the cause of her imbalances and that I should be blamed for how people experienced themselves around me, a huge unbearable responsibility to say the least.

Of course I copied this Character and then did it to others, in fact I developed the ability to collect points of failures of others toward me just for this purpose, so that when I would have a mood swing I already had the reasons lined up to blame it on someone else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was responsible/the cause/the origin of my mum's mood swings specifically when I did not intend to cause any trouble but the mood swing would come and then I would have to take responsibility for my imaginary faults to have peace at home again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother's mood swings and being made responsible for them instead of seeing I was the one accepting and allowing the blame and responsibility that was pushed on me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up 'imaginary faults' in others to justify my own mood swings and to seek for words, deeds and movements in others that I could file and use just like my mother did to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mother would have a mood swing and send me to my room to 'think about it' to develop a habit to look and search for my responsibility in my words, thoughts and deeds, believing that it was something I had done, didn't do that brought about a change in her and not herself doing it to herself, until I would come up with something wrong in me that could in fact be the cause for her behavior, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that She was always the origin/source of her experience and then her behavior and not me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dread spending time with my mother when she was sick because I always feared that I would overlook something, make the wrong expression, say something that could be twisted and turned to build into the explanation for the mood swing she was about to experience, which I could already assess as soon as we would get together, having developed the ability to foresee coming troubles in an attempt to stay away from it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of the fear I accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to with regard to my mother and her mood swings, to develop a defensive personality in which I move as into like a fortress, whenever I spend time with people that I perceive are on the brink of a mood swing according to my own perception and judgement of what is a good mood vs a troubled leading to problems mood and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to protect myself from other people's mood swings because I fear their mood could end up affecting me as they'll end up blaming me for it, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I don't have to be affected by other people's mood swings when I take responsibility for myself and the way I experience myself not even when they try or attempt to blame it on me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to question myself with regard to my responsibility for other people's mood swings and within this for accepting that I was in fact responsible for how others perceived themselves and for accepting the responsibility of the experience of others within their own minds I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I experienced myself without seeing, realizing and understanding that I accepted the responsibility of how others experienced themselves so I could then blame others for how I experienced myself and for believing that I had the right to do to others what I didn't like others to do to me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did accept the responsibility of the experience of another, I inherently had power over them, as in the power to 'make them feel' one way or another, and for manipulating or attempting to manipulate the experience of another through the way they felt by deliberately doing what I learnt from my mother 'made people feel good about themselves' for the purpose of being the Creator of a 'Positive' Experience within another and as such more powerful than they were within their own experience of themselves I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear mood swings in people that are sharing time with me, because if a mood swing happens 'under my watch' it means it's my fault and ultimately my responsibility, without considering that as I am responsible for my own experience so is everyone else and that I don't know what goes through the mind of others at anytime or what can trigger a 'negative experience' and since everything is happening for each of us inside our own Mind Bubble, we can only be responsible for ourselves and what we experience or react to, but not about what others experience and react to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that as I desired the Power of generating a 'good experience' inside another, I made myself bound to the responsibility of their experiences 'good AND bad' and for not seeing realizing and understanding that there cannot be Masters without slaves and that Masters end up enslaved to the relationships they created toward another that was not born of Equality and Oneness but from the desire to win over, be more and superior to another being I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told today that the lady that comes to see me went into one of her Evil breakdown, to question myself for responsibility, assuming it must be my doing, my fault, that I must be in someway responsible instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am only supporting her body as a potential bridge to health but she is still the one responsible and having to do the work to get better and out of the Patterns that are causing her suffering as that is her creation and she is the only one that can undo it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told she will be seeing the psychiatrist on Monday, to go into my mind and imagine meeting him and blaming him as part of the problem for all the crap suppressant he has been giving her over the years, without seeing, realizing and understanding I don't know the whole story of her medical mental history, and that suppressing the demonic in her may very well have been the best this doctor has found to not have the people around her pay the consequences of what she goes through, and that instead of going to my mind to fight whatever support she may have been able to find, I should breathe and return to her the responsibility for her health recognizing she is the one choosing the suppressant medication and the doctor is doing what he knows how to do to avoid further consequences for herself and others and within this for judging her, her relationship and the doctor I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard in her husband's voice the distress for what he was going through, to move into an angry blamefull backchat on the line of 'you did it again you bitch, how do you even get away with it' when in fact this backchat is my own self judgement of myself for when I did embody the blamefull Character and made others responsible for how I felt and how I experienced myself and for doing to others what was done to me instead of stopping the chain of blame and abuse I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shift the blame from myself to the psychiatrist, without considering her in the picture and her own self responsibility for what she is living, and for feeling sorry for her husband as the victim of this situation without considering that whatever play out is on it's a dance the two of them are playing with each other that only they can resolve and for desiring to take sides between who is wrong and who is right, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself interacting with another and attempting to be responsible for how they are experiencing themselves, such as in 'good moments' for which I could pat myself on the shoulder for the 'good positive experience' I can believe I have been able to generate for another, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I want to be the source of the good/positive experiences of another then I will have to be responsible for being the source of the bad/negative experiences of another, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that each one is responsible for how they experience themselves, the good, the bad and the in between

When and as I see myself cringe or about to cringe under the impression, the news, the realization that someone who is in "my circle" is experiencing themselves negatively and I see myself trying to, moving toward or about to assess my responsibility for such experience, I stop, Breathe, do not allow myself to make myself responsible for the experience of another in any way shape or form and see realize and understand I am responsible for how I react to the experience of another but not for their experience of themselves

I commit myself to no longer participate in the construct of taking responsibility for how another experiences themselves be it good, bad or in between as I see realize and understand I have the responsibility to self correct myself but not the power or responsibility to 'self correct' another

I commit myself to no longer participate in the fear of being responsible for other people's mood swings and to investigate when and how this Character comes up to self correct myself until I stand stable in and as Breath realigned to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• 112 - Doped up on Hope
• 166 - Introspection
• Day 142 - Self Forgiveness on Self Denial - Dimensions
• 165 - Personalities to Blame You With
• 113 Response-ability for Others

Day 186: Social Engineering - The Downfall of Happiness

Just back from a week of idleness.

This morning I got up and I was just aware  that I had paralyzed myself into a place of nothingness, it's familiar, it's quite amazing as well how willing I am to return to the familiarity of a life that I created and sucked rather than push through to move into self discipline for Real Change, Self Discipline a total alien concept before I met Desteni, that reeked of constriction.

When I move into the nothingness of me and the desire to not exist, I look for things to distract myself, this week was TV nonsense and Dr. Phil's shows, the American psychologist that brings up 'current cases' of dysfunction and lives that don't work and are quite fucked up.

I used to read magazines for this purpose, reading the gossips about the rich and famous, looking for lives that obviously did not work, like mine, so I could say 'see, all your money and fame and look, you are not less fucked up than I am', this is why we enjoy magazines, it is not to dream about lives that seem out of reach, it is to look for lives that fail to attain the holy grail of happiness, the ever eluding feeling that shows us that we made it, we got how it all works and now nothing can push us out of balance, we are It.

I am not sure how I slid into this state either, it was an accumulation of 'bad news' from the newspapers we read, watching Obama on his way to reelection with an oblivious forgetful world missing out on all the promises he had made he had not stuck to, from Guantanamo to Afghanistan, to Healthcare and pipe dreams of social changes to come, watching the pantomime of Romney not making it regardless of the Money he put into the race, the celebration of The Illusion of Choice, the President of the derelicts getting his seat back because look, it's not Money that counts, not Romney that counts, it's Change, Freedom, a Black Man to show we can all make it up there not once, twice, stay tuned people, don't blow the bubble of the American Dream or you may just Wake Up.

As far as depressing news and reads we don't seem to joke either as a group, some of our Blogs are just like the News, just a tad too much Reality to not get occasionally buried in a pile of shit, I don't feel good doing what we have set out to do, reading what we write about, I look everywhere and I can't find the 'good feelings' anymore, this world is essentially cruel and sad, it's quite amazing the effort we have to go through to deny it, must be tiring as well to keep up with the Joneses of the Feeling Good Movement, I was tired of it, consumed by it, funny though, because this week I was still consumed, just on the other side of the swing, no wonder that between these 2 choices 'feeling good or feeling bad' it's a no brainer what we'll choose, and it's a no brainer how to move us 'en masse' towards desired outcomes, it's called 'Social Engineering'.

Obama stands as the example, it would have felt 'too bad' to put RMoney in Power, what about the poor, the ones that still have only the Dream of a good Life? The world is -apparently- rising against Inequality, we'll keep it down with the Illusion that the Poor Won -again-, there is nowhere else to aspire to, You Poor Ones are already sitting at the Highest Public Office in the World, now feel good about it, celebrate and go back to sleep.

What moved me out of this pitiful useless state were a few points mentioned in the reads I have done these past days, in between Dr. Phil's shows glorifying the 'Happy State' we can all reach if we just make a few adjustments.

One was a sentence Cerise mentioned in one of her Blogs, "I see your Point but I still don't Care"

"Sure, we may want to keep our word. We may want to honour our commitments. We may want to change the world. But we don't. In order for us to develop self discipline, we need to start by actually forcing ourselves to walk that which we have committed to walk - there is no other way."

It's the forcing that stroke a cord inside me, because there is no other way to say this, it won't happen unless we FORCE ourselves past our resistances to stick to our commitments, it is not something we seek or look forward to because 'it doesn't feel good', which proves the point that we are driven by a make belief internal reward system for quick biochemical fixes, basically we are drug addicts unwilling to give up our drug of choice 'happiness', we don't even realize what goes on inside of us that generates the 'happy feeling', well most of us don't, Big Pharma does, this is why they have concocted chemical cocktails to 'regulate the happiness output', they call them 'mood re-balancing', they move us from sad and hopeless into happy and chirpy, at least we function, we can get back into out slot in the system and stop the questioning.

What if we realized what is really happening to us, the manipulation, the Mind Control on the swing from Fear to Happy, that would be quite horrifying, imagine waking up to the truth of this reality of what we made out of it, of being forced to being born into the consequences of an existence that is deteriorating as we write, where nothing is Real, from Human relationships to Politics, to Food to the Healthcare System, we do see what is going on, but Happiness is such a drive, it is more, it's a Driver, the one that runs the choices we make, the directions we take, the desires we have and are being sold in our elusive search for Happiness, having equated Happiness with a satisfying life and being rewarded with the accomplishment of a good job.

Hence Desteni stands as the perfect example of how to push oneself, as there is no reward or happiness to be had in walking a process of Self Correction, both points that I am still accepting and allowing to drive me and my choices, as when I don't have access to Happiness I wish to at least be rewarded, at least see that we are reaching more people, and yet this setup is just perfect, it is a space in which each one of us will grow out of our addiction, it is 'La Hacienda' for the drug addicts we have become, in which we have group support and yet we stand alone, in which each one of us is required to become Self responsible about seeking the support others are writing because, as amazing as it seems, as I live through my own shit, someone writes about it and I see MySelf in their writings, not necessarily as they intended, which is the example of a few of Marlen's Blogs this week, in which each title was a thud on my head even when she only spoke about herself and in fact what 'I read' in the Title had nothing to do with what she wrote, but I read what I needed to read to get back up and moving again, because Self Interest is an Obstacle to real Change, as I seek happiness for myself alone and Self Sabotage is Self Interest, because the Sabotage allows me to just keep doing 'That thing I do' which will have the same outcome that led me here, unless I stop and let go of my delusion and desire fr a 'Happy Life' so I can start living and discover what the Hell Life is All about when I get off the Junkie Train of Emotions and Feelings.

Tomorrow will write out my Self Forgiveness for my Right to my own Pursuit of Happiness 

Related articles

• 203. The Acceptance of Heaven is the Allowance of Hell
• 2012 How I was able to hear the Desteni Message....
• Day 9 - Misconceptualization of Life as Happinesss - Part 4
• Day 130 - Social Engineering

Day 177: Sobbing My Way Through Divorce

 

From: Creation's Journey to Life 

"Inevitably, obviously, as it is indicted so clearly through Multiple Relationship Breakdowns: you’ll find that your Design was Inefficient. So - you’ll get to a Point were the person for instance, that you now have Created a Relationship with, which you have “fallen in love” with according to your Desired Design of the Character you want to be in this world, the role you want to play, and who you want in your life to role play with you: do not fulfill the Total Desire that you have. And So - you end up moving from love to despising the person, you move to hate, and you go and you remove yourself from that relationship. And that’s the worst thing, because that is why it is called ‘deworst’ sorry, divorce."

This Post is Private

Published on the Desteni Forums under the thread Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 153: I'm not 'That Kind of Woman' - Character

So, part of my annoyance with the point I wrote about yesterday brought forward his Character, the "I'm not That Kind of Woman' Character.

It is a preposterous statement from someone who has been All kind of Women and is a Character that doesn't have a clear idea of what kind of woman I am not, according to the occasion I'm just Not "That Kind of Woman" that someone is showing to not like/prefer/ admire or want to count among their friends, there, I am not THAT one, I am the Other One, the one that is liked, preferred, admired and wanted among your friends.

As we walk looking at the Characters we created it's amazing how we can keep up the act, oh wait, we can't, this is why we are going mental, suffer from depression, find all possible alternative therapies to cure the existential dis-ease that we have, our personality dis-orders, in which we lose the ability to manage the crowd in an orderly manner, like an Orchestra Director having to deal with musicians who have lost the plot and are now attempting to blow into violins or drum on trumpets, really, how long can we keep up the act?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the expression 'that kind of woman' with a negative charge, based on how I perceived the expression 'those kind of women' charged by the people who used it to diminish other women and ostracize them as 'not belonging to our group', when I was a child and later on in my teen years

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I'm not that kind of woman' even though I am not even clear about what kind of woman I am not, having failed to notice that if I were not 'that' kind of woman as all the woman kinds I have listed as not 'being like that' I wouldn't even exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not be 'that kind of woman' as in the woman that I perceive is not liked, appreciated, desired, admired and thought well of by others, failing to see that I exist as if the opinion others have over me is more important than just being me, here in and as self expression within the simplicity of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than 'that kind of woman' not better identified but some kind of woman that I perceive is under criticism in a moment and to which I don't want to be associated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I am not that kind of woman' as the kind that seduces a man who is younger, like a cougar, according to the new disparaging definition of 'such a woman', when in fact in my life I have been that kind of woman having lovers 20 years younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uppity and self righteous when I fear that someone might have made up their mind about me as being 'that kind of woman' and for wanting to prove them wrong because if I can prove them wrong I won't have to experience myself as 'that kind of woman' as a negative judgement in diminishment and shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I become 'that kind of woman' in someone's mind is a problem, when 'that kind of woman' is only defined by me within my mind which means I am having a problem with me and not with the judgement of another, as I am only making up the judgement of another in my mind as I project a situation about myself and 'that kind of woman' as a woman that is -hopefully- less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file the definition of 'that kind of woman' as negative as in no good and I don't want to be or be thought or judged as a woman that is no good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called 'that kind of woman' even if just in the mind of someone around me and for trying to prove that I am NOT 'that kind of woman, doing things that make me feel ridiculous and pathetic as I battle with the imaginary dragons and phoenixes in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the expression 'that kind of woman' to diminish another woman in my own eyes and the eyes of others and rule out any competition that could lead me to lose out in comparison to their beauty and or attractiveness or a point within which I perceived myself as 'inferior' to them, that now includes youth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the world in this kind of women and 'that kind of women' leaving the category of those kind of women always open for updates and corrections to suit my perceived inferiorities so I could come out the winner in my imaginary competitions of and as the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when resorting to the thought I am not 'that kind of woman' because to not be that kind of woman I first had to participate in a judgement about 'what kind of woman that woman was' and then separate myself from the judgement I made as me being better than that Kind of woman, instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I have been all kind of women at all times and I stand Equal to every Woman that I have ever met or will ever meet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that when someone dislikes me or takes a distance from me, there is something wrong with me and he must have associated me with 'that kind of woman' which I desire to not be just because I don't want to experience the rejection and the judgement that is usually reserved for 'that kind of woman' to now be linked to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR to be 'that kind of woman', as the woman who is judged and pushed on the side of society because she is not fit to be part of the 'creme de la creme' because she is 'that kind of woman', the kind whose judgement we leave open and undefined to fit all possible situations and find a replacement and a walk in to any potential rejection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected by others, instead of seeing and realizing that I have always and only feared my own rejection based on my own self judgement of myself as someone that in a specific moment stepped out of a line of acceptable behaviour and into the realm of 'that kind of woman' who took it on herself to now be ostracized and pushed out of the group

When and as I see myself desiring to use the expression 'that kind f woman' or thinking about the expression 'that kind of woman', I stop, Breathe, I ask myself what 'kind of woman' am I thinking or desiring to speak about as a way to not be associated with what I fear to be me, or have judged to be me and then I commit myself to write out the point to release myself from my own self judgements and fears regarding being rejected or pushed out of a group

I commit myself to investigate my fear of rejection and to flag myself to see when I step into the desire to separate myself from other women through the expression 'that kind of woman', so I can correct myself to stand as any kind of woman anytime beyond my self judgement based on morality and cultural beliefs that I may still harbour within and as me

I commit myself to no longer participate in and as the Character that says/thinks about other women as 'that kind of woman' as that is a point of separation that is not best for me or best for all and within this I commit myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All deleting this Character once and for All 

Related articles

• Day 152: The Untouchables & The Cougar
• Day 68: Perceptual Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 69: Perceptual Character Self Forgiveness Statements continued...
• Day 71: Perceptual Character Self Commitment Statements continued...
• Day 79: Blame Character Self Forgiveness Statements