Thursday, March 27, 2014

Day 391: Me as the World Systems - The Judicial System

I have had an interesting conversation recently about how Islam views Jail as an inhumane solution.
Apparently giving a man 'Life' in jail is unthinkable within Islamic paradigm, that would mean that the man has no chance for redemption plus, given that jail is not a redemption centre and in no ways support anyone to correct themselves - why are we jailing people at all?

In some systems Jail is a Business, so the answer there is quite easy, we jail people for profit, we profit on the miss-takes of others and for that we hold them nailed to their history for Life and call them criminals.
We have created judicial systems that are so inhumane that we make nailing Jesus to the cross look lame.

According to Islamic understanding, under Sharia Law, no one can punish a man that steals for hunger or to feed his family or because he has no way to make a living because he stands as the proof that the system failed, in the Islamic scenario, the system that asks people to give back 10% of their earnings to the less fortunate. as something compulsory.

As I was listening to this person sharing I realized how many ideas I hold in my mind that are screwed about almost everything, I am not an advocate for any religion, far from it, but I don't mind someone having spelt out right that Inequality is Wrong, that not taking care of the less fortunate is inhumane, that holding anyone forever guilty for what they did that was not in alignment to what would have been best for themselves and everybody, is unacceptable.

In our group we remind each other to look at everything, keep what is good and discard the rest. Well then, I want to keep this with me, the understanding that we can have our chance for redemption only if we give it to others unconditionally and no one in this world is beyond the need for redemption, look at what we participated in, what a shame.

On a personal level, the prelude to this exchange was me sharing something that happened in the past between me and my mum, which as I went about telling, it made me cry, showing there is still a point of charge, a point in which I invested blame and judgement (isn't that what 'charging' someone is all about?) but as I talked this person replied to me that 'we were both the result of the faulty lives we lived' and on the word 'faulty' I felt no blame, no judgement but the quiet understanding that we live in a faulty world, playing out the faulty characters that we have become to the detriment of ourselves and others.

It is essential to remove all 'charges' from our lives, our memories are stored ad-hoc through our personalities eyes, emotional highs and lows and are generally manipulated to make up the story we want to paint, to make sure everyone gets it that, in My Imaginary Court of Law, I was right, that I am right even now as I keep holding the other wrong in my mind and turn him/her into a criminal, someone who committed the crime to step over one of my fail safe mechanism, making them pay for life for a crime they, either did not even commit, or committed in unawareness within circumstances I could never fully understand and making sure they are branded as a danger to me because I was unwilling to see my part in the whole play and share the responsibility and, within that, become the solution to end all judgements and release all from this hellish existence.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I would have been better than my mother if the same circumstances were given to me to live out - without seeing, realizing and understanding that if I had been in the same circumstances, with the same past and the same programs running in my mind, I would have been her -and I would have very possibly behaved in the same way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such thing as Justice in a world where we don't mind to let 2.5 billions of us go hungry because we have invented reasons called Economics or Politics that make it legal and explain why it should be so

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regard the Law as a system where there is Equality such as in The Law is Equal for everyone, when in fact the Law is NOT Equal for everyone at all, it is more Equal for those with More Money and I don't need to look at the world systems to know that because I can see within myself that my Law doesn't apply to everyone Equally but according to gender, money, what I can profit from and the story I want to paint, making it an absolute unreliable tool to solve disputes that each one of us should start solving within ourselves instead

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that we have a Justice system when in fact we have barely been able to create a retaliation System because we have never managed to overcome our spiteful nature and we took it all the way into our Judicial system as who we are

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Justice equals Retribution, without seeing, realizing and understanding that through this very word we have put a $price$ as a compensation to our abnormal behaviors instead of working to correct our ab-normality in realignment to a system that works for ourselves and everyone else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge things I know nothing about, like the Islamic religion, just because I have come to a final verdict about Islam that I have absorbed through the media and my own catholic culture that fought to place itself firmly into our minds and hearts, discarding everything else without consideration - without seeing, realizing and understanding that one reason why the Islamic religion is damned, doomed and demonized is because it firmly affirms the principle of Equality and of Equal Rights of all living being and that I should never make assumptions that then turn into judgements based on my limited understanding of a topic, place or person

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to express my nasty, hateful comments and judgements about this religion out loud to spite another without seeing realizing and understanding that within judgement I am Judgemental, no matter how many good reasons I believe I have for my stand and how rightful I can picture myself out to be about something

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use a judgement I made on something about my mum's past to make myself look like the victim of the situation and to explain why sometimes I behave the way I do, without seeing, realizing and understanding that while what she did may explain how I developed a specific trait or habit of behavior, judging and blaming her for me not changing what I realized doesn't work for me and everyone around me -is not acceptable

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when my partner did not take the bait of my judgement of my mother as the reason for my behavior and instead replied that 'we were both the result of faulty lives', not letting me get away with my own responsibility for me having to change my behavior no matter how good I have become in telling 'that storyì and refine that judgement and make it look like, at the final verdict, I am right and she is wrong because what she did is every bit culturally unacceptable and therefore the perfect excuse for me not having to change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this specific memory of my mum asking me to move out of her house in my teenage years, believing that she preferred to hold on to a man that was a molester than working out things with me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is my very limited interpretation of the events that unfolded in that circumstance and that if I wanted I could always have broadened my understanding of that particular moment in mine and my mother's life but I did not do it because I saw the chance for retribution and I did not want to miss out on it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that jailing people for life for 'terrible crimes' is the right thing to do, when in fact yesterday as I listened to my partner in a state of withhold judgement of any sort, I could see the amazing common sense of what he shared and how small our system of justice suddenly looked that doesn't take into account the well being of the one that has committed the crime because he has been judged guilty and as such - deserving to suffer instead of being helped and supported to see where his actions harmed himself and others and helped to correct himself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all judgement is Self Judgement as we exist as One, made of the same substance, lost in separation, and everything I do to another I am doing to MySelf  and within this for having judged myself as unredemable because of what I lived and participated in and as

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to  not see, realize and understand the pettiness of our 'justice system' that has written useless laws to make sure to protect our imaginary 'private properties' that go as far as our 'images' and avatars, pictures without any substance, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, we have created the Justice system one and equal to who we are, creatures born in an unsupportive system, hell bent to survive at any cost, creating copies of ourselves in our image and likeness out in the world systems to reflect back to us the real substance of everything we are participating in and to show us how much we need to correct ourselves to correct the system outside, one and equal

When and as I see myself wanting to, tempted to, desiring to share or replay the history between myself and my mother to make sure I get the upper hand in the PR number I am about to lay out, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am about to play out the role of the plaintiff in my imaginary court of justice according to how I have learnt justice should be applied, as in crucifying people to their mistakes for life, instead I do not allow myself to participate in this pattern, watch the thoughts, emotions and feelings reactions I get when I prevent myself from stepping into the pattern and commit myself to write out the final deletion of all of them until I can stand stable whenever I rethink about my past

When and as I see myself perceiving that my mum has no right to say, do or participate with me in a way that I find challenging because she has a pending Life sentence to live out, I stop, breathe, look at what made me feel challenged to the point of desiring to hold her accountable for life and use this avenue of disclosure to work on defusing whatever it is that came up for me that needs to be redirected to a solution

When and as I see myself making a judgement or wanting to make a judgement about someone without having taken into consideration all points within their life, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is no way for me yet to be able to see the sum of what this person has learnt, lived and walked to make any sort of assessment about their life, instead I work on learning to listen without judgement to anyone I share my life with, momentarily or in a more steady way

When and as I see myself judging myself or about to judge myself, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that self judgement is my way to in fact NOT change, which is how we created a system where people are judged and do not change, instead I suspend all judgement, I do not allow myself to move into any judgement constructs while I assess in Breath a particular point or situation and look for a solution to correct myself and the possible outcome of what I believe I have Miss-taken-ly done

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that true Justice would be to not accept anything less than what we could be and of what we could give to each other to create a world that works for all and to extend this understanding in all areas of my life until I no longer exist in and as judgement but as a point of support for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

Day 389: Me as the World Systems - The Debt System
Day 389: Me as the World Systems - The Debt System - See more at:
Day 389: Me as the World Systems - The Debt System - See more at:

Friday, March 21, 2014

Day 389: Me as the World Systems - The Debt System

Two days ago my partner asked me to give him a lift to the central station.
It was 4 am but I was not asleep yet. so it was not a big deal considering that at that time the city is empty and it would have taken me just a little more than half an hour to come and go and it would have made his life much easier.

What happened afterward was very interesting, because I saw myself looking at the opportunity to make a fuss due to the unconventionality of the request, meaning this is not your everyday request and so, being a 'rare' request we could say, it had more value on the trading floor, I could get 'credits' if I did go - of course it was of paramount importance to keep up the illusion that he shouldn't even have asked me, that it was an inconsiderate act on his side and to pump this simple action full of value that I could milk for myself.

Isn't this what the banking system does on another level? We make illusory bank notes scarce, meaningful, keep up the storyline that they are becoming 'rare' and then charge an interest on them, so in this post I will walk the correction of myself as the debt system to no longer perceive the separation between myself and this specific world system but realize that there is equality in behavior and I can realign to what works for all within my micro world to become a piece in the macro world that moves out of the misalignment of make-belief stories, meant to vex and burden others unnecessarily and return myself to a piece of support of others and as the system as a whole.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked for a favour that I could have done without making a fuss about it, to instead evaluate how much 'credit' I would get out of it if I did make a fuss and made sure to create a debt on the other side that I could call back anytime I wanted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to drive to Central Station disgruntled as part of the plot about making a mountain out of a molehill, to make sure to add value to what I did for another and not let them get away debt free

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized what I was doing, to move into self judgement due to the nature of what I saw within and as myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that, if we live in a debt loaded world what I do is shared by all on a mind level and I am not unique or special in my abusive behavior and that it is not a matter to feel guilty as a way to break even but a matter of standing, stabilizing myself in and as breath so that I can correct myself to not allow this to happen again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened and indebted to others who made it clear that what they did for me was special and out of the ordinary in order to create my imaginary debt and within this for subscribing to this idea of credit and debt that move quietly and secretly among us in a huge cover up that is then reflected by the nature of the world system we have created outward

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a skill when talking to my mother about identifying immediately what she is offering as an indenture and for making sure that I take on the burden of debt so that I am aware I have to repay her for something, least she makes me pay (the interests) for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I copied this system and the credit and debt ledger by those that went before me, which doesn't mean it was the 'proper thing to do' but just that I internalized this behavior that I understood unconsciously, to make sure I would understand how to play it out in my favour and within this for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the indenture of myself and humanity one and equal

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I researched these days about the crimes of our world, to ponder how and what would be enough to even out the score looking for ways in which this debt can be settled, without seeing, realizing and understanding that there will never be enough to repay this specific debt in which we sunk ourselves as humanity, debts that started at home and became the very force that drives our interactions with each other at all levels of our society and within this for thinking that there are some more evil than me out there, when in fact it was never based on the degree of evilness but on the capacity in which they found themselves to affect large portion of humanity by applying this same principle of debt and indenture

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the creation of debt and indenture is a way to diminish others and make them 'inferior'  as in living at a lower level compared to myself, making sure I stay on top while they 'suffer at the bottom' and that this is the nature of our system, in which we push those that are weaker at the bottom so we may feel better about ourselves and feel safer, instead of working to create a world where there is no lowest for some to live out while we take the grandest route

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when having a fall out with someone to move into my ledger to establish the degree of their debt and accordingly to decide if I can let it go or not, proving to myself that my participation in this world has never been debt free so far and that I need to change how I participate to bring about the change I want to see in this world, as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'some debts can't be forgiven' because as I desire to hold on to my credits toward others and myself I have not yet made that change required by me as the world to guarantee that ALL DEBT CAN BE FORGIVEN and within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold myself captive by my own debts, by my past miss-demeanours instead of releasing myself and the world with me from all debts once and for all

When and as I see myself attempting or about to attempt to seize an opportunity for 'debt creation', I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that in that moment I am equal to a world banker and make the decision to not create a relationship of indenture for someone else toward me in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself desiring to 'add value' to create an asset for myself to an action I am about to undertake for another, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that the only value I can build for myself is within who I am and that any other value I desire to create would only serve as the creation of debt for another and this is no way I wish to behave anymore

When and as I see myself holding on to a behavior of debt creation for the purpose of making sure another is clear about 'owing me something', I stop, breathe, remind myself that as I reap so I sow and that if I want to live a debt free life, I have to give a debt free life to others - without exceptions

When and as I see myself moving into my ledger or about to move into a ledger of debts and credits toward another, I stop, seize this opportunity to delete the ledger by applying self forgiveness to what I have done as an 'investment' and 'credit facility' and make sure I stand clear with everyone in my life regarding this specific debt/credit point

I commit myself to no longer participate in the creation of debts for people within my life or within myself

I commit myself to delete all debts and forgive myself and others what I perceived existed out of balances in a 'credit facility' scenario to move beyond giving within conditions to learn giving unconditionally

I commit myself to never bring up a debt in words or deeds but use the opportunity of 'debt surfacing' as a moment in which I can correct my stance and realign myself to a debt free life and world inside and out

I commit myself to put an end to the debt system within and without and align to what is best for all for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

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Sunday, March 16, 2014

Day 387: Relationships Paranoia - Criticism - How to Handle It

The other day I had a mini meltdown within my relationship due to a joke my partner made where I felt attacked and devalued on a point that I perceive is valuable -which is femininity.

I am learning that once these instances take place I don't have to then move into self judgement but I can check what reactions I had and correct them, so the next mini meltdown can be prevented.
Also I learnt that if I define something as 'criticism' as a negative experience due to how I first accepted the definition of this word in and as me such as

The expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes

I would miss out on the broader sense of criticism that can be defined as well as

Going back to the origin of this word

adjective (2-1-2)
  1. fit or suitable for deciding, capable of judging
  2. decisive, critical
I see that we have miss-interpreted it from the start.  It is through our reactions that we become unable to get the support of another who is in a moment more fit and capable of really seeing faults and merits of our behavior, the origin and intended form that went astray in a moment of misalignment.

So, the other day when my partner made a joke, I took it personally and went into a mini melt down due to my own invested value in an idea of femininity but there was a gift there that I did not miss out on this time, because it opened up an opportunity for him to criticize my behavior in the scholarly sense of assessing its origin - and because he was not reactive nor did he react to my mini melt down, I could hear clearly what he said and assess it and walk back the timeline of how I miss-in-form-ed myself on that point of relationships, in which I first defined marriage and husbands to be nuisances and hateful occasions n the life of a woman and then, every man that came along, I fit into this 'hateful box' and as my partner said "I see it's nothing personal, I am just working to move out of this box in which you put me that has nothing to do with me'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to a joke my partner made about my jacket being masculine and calling me 'pal' with what I perceived as a gender biased slant because I find offensive to be taken for a man and not a woman

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't ooze femininity in the sense of cover magazines and movies than I am not valuable as a woman because my value as a woman lies in my femininity and the ability to show I am different from a man which I accepted and believed were of an inferior 'design' through the education of my grandmother that said men have only one thing in their head - hence they are easy to manipulate and maneuver because they are basically stupid, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that they are not an inferior design as in less, they are just differently wired and they struggle themselves with some of the stuff that comes up in their mind, just like we do

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when I realized that this is by far not the first time I have taken a man and locked him into the 'marriage/husband hate-full box' and within this for not having given my previous partners who were not as clear, able and articulate to see and point directly to a pattern I was playing out in its track -as my current partner is- a chance to build a successful, supportive relationship with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as my partner calmly spoke and laid out this pattern in front of my eyes, to have memories of my ex husband popping up and to realize he was the one I ended up hating the most because he fit the hate-full husband box in full, being 'my husband' for real and within this for hating my ex husband on principle and by association with my ideas and beliefs about marriage and husbands and relationships

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a mini melt down regarding the idea that my partner doesn't find me feminine because if he doesn't than he can walk away on me anytime, because only feminine women can keep their men

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with the reaction of diminishement and a loss of value, desire to diminish him in spite and tell him that if I can't afford more feminine clothes is because I spend most of my money for him and within this to believe that we can diminish each other by throwing on each other's face 'what I have done for you' like my mum used to do with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a moment when I am justified to play the 'with all  have done for you'  which is the moment in which I believe I am unable to contain my reactions and I am faced with someone who is instead stable and I believe that if I destabilize him as well than we both will feel like crap and we are back at an even point of exchange, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is one of the problems of this world, where we are dragging each other down instead of uplifting each other to our maximum potential, just because we have not yet mastered our minds and how to deal with our own reactions based on emotions, feelings, memories, ideas and beliefs

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive the moment in which I could have stopped myself from doing what I did but instead of stopping go right ahead because the desire to even out the field in spite was stronger that shutting up as I was aware that I was reacting and nothing good can come of it once a reaction has started for myself or anyone else involved

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel even smaller when my partner didn't react to my reaction and didn't spitefully tell me that I throw away a lot of money in mismanagement of the house by impulse shopping and within this for perceiving him as better/more than me for doing that and for then desiring to move into self bashing for having fallen into the same pattern again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the comment that my partner made to the morning, when I asked him if he could help me to pull some hair from my chin (stray eyebrows?), something that I have never done before with a man because that would imply I am not feminine if I have facial hairs but took him up on his offer because I trusted that it would support me to move beyond my limits and fears and for desiring to sabotage a moment of true intimacy because I don't know yet how to handle intimacy in the real physical world as I move beyond my fears and definitions of what is appropriate and what not in a relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid when he said that he stays with me because he can see my value and values beyond all the crap I say sometime and in that moment I feared that he was here to last and that I was ill equipped and unworthy of a long lasting relationship because I never had a man that I perceived was around to last but always that he would be around for some time and then move on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am unworthy of a good relationship because I am carrying the same genetic information that existed in my family and specifically in my mother regarding relationships and how much better it is to be alone, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that she always wanted to be alone because within a partnership you are forced to face your patterns and she didn't want to feel threatened by that but I am the one that decides that I can in fact face my patterns because I have the tools to look at them and move beyond them and that building a truly caring relationship will come with my moving beyond my comfort zone again and again to rewrite who I want to be vs who I designed my self to be based on the baggage of my family, my consciousness and lack of awareness/presence of my self

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a man has to come as a burden and for not seeing what my partner knows already, that a relationship can be a point of support that a partner can be a helpful person in your life and that relationships don't have to be bloody and unpleasant unless we make them so

When and as I see myself reacting or about to react within that space that I have observed I am still in control of how I decide something will play out, I stop, breathe, give myself an opportunity to replay in my mind what I saw and what I wrote out for myself as the new script I want to live and then become the new script as I see realize and understand that a pattern can only be corrected for real within the physical and not in my mind alone

When and as I see myself desiring to have a pointless discussion just as a way to discharge the energy that I have myself created by participating in memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I should step into the desired discussion pattern I will walk into blame and then into spite and I stop at the first step because prevention is the best cure

When and as I see myself wanting to throw everything away because I struggle with facing my own reactions that reveal to me my own hidden and some not so hidden patterns of behavior, I remind myself that I am walking a process of change for myself and all of existence as one, so that what I have become accustomed to do, accepted and allowed and ended up defining as justifiable abnormality, will no longer exist in myself or in me as the world as one

I commit myself to stop being afraid that my relationship will end and to live in anticipation of the moment when it will and instead to move moment by moment in awareness within it seizing the opportunity to correct myself

I commit myself to stop fearing criticism and seeing the gift of someone who is more able than me in a moment of reaction to assess what is going on with me so that I can stop a pattern I was not clear about or clearly aware of

I commit myself to my new definition of criticism that I can live as an eye opening moment that helps me to transcend a point I would have been unable to transcend as quickly by myself and to embrace my relationship as a point of support

I commit myself to stop the self hatred around this point for all the mistakes I made in my previous relationships and to accept that the past is past and that letting go of my self judgement and self hate will end the hatred in my world within and in existence without, One and Equal

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Friday, March 7, 2014

Day 383: Purging in BED - The Illusion of Control

If you come from a family with eating disorders or from a culture that worships food and has historically considered purging as the way to go to manage excesses, you may, like me, never have considered that there is a point of desire to be in control in 'purging' like there is in anorexia or bulimia that manifests in different ways.

My personal experience with purging is mainly one of relief, I never considered the point of 'control' until I was looking for a picture for this blog and found the one I posted above.

But what was the sense of relief always about? Relief from the physical discomfort, this would be for sure one, but there was a relief as well from the sense of being out of control, overcome by a pattern that is unstoppable, having boarded a train whose destination has to be the toilet bowl, that is the end of the line if you can't get off the train sooner, not even by jumping out of the window.

Today as I listened to one of the amazing Eqafe interviews, specifically the one about Spite, I was overcome with emotion as that interview spelled out the story of my life and my childhood, I will write extensively about it from my next blog, but I saw how this behavior as well ties into it nicely, I took on the excesses of my grandparents to spite my mother, without realizing she had done the same, so I made a copy of the spite system and then activated my own - and then went on to blame others for what I saw as a copycat behavior I assumed I was given and not saw I had taken on partly without awareness and partly deliberately.

So, letting now go of the past shame for this self abuse and the perception that then became a belief that I would never be able to get off my family train, whom I blamed for having made a BED for me to Lie in it, when this in fact was never the case.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as out of control regarding food and for accepting eating disorders as who I am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that food is both a joy and a threat and as such condemn myself to never have a pragmatic relationship to food as just the fuel for my body but allowed myself to base my food choices on emotions, feelings, memories projections and expectations while seeking good positive experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of our delusions regarding matters of the world and the mind within food addictions and for desiring to blame another for my own self accepted and self created patterns, instead of seeking a solution that would end this pattern with me -for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear taking on this pattern because it seemed too extensive, too big, impossible to dismantle, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was facing resistance from my mind that feared to lose one of my major energy and personality construct as the deranged addict to excesses

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the part I played in the creation of this eating disorder as a way to spite my mother, who herself suffered from an eating disorder but did everything in her power to not make me follow in her footsteps including pushing me to do exercise and eat healthily, solutions that just ended up compounding my sense of being abused and violated and reinforced my desire to rebel and spite her back by embracing her eating disorder as my own

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that an eating disorder is nothing more than a dis-order, in which something misaligned in my mind and then was reinforced through justifications and excuses to prove why I was allowed to abuse myself to spite my mother -and make her suffer from guilt and shame in the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disheartened as I wrote this within the realization that I played the victim when I was in fact the perpetrator of behaviors I knew would inflict  anguish on my mother to get back at her for pushing me to get the best for myself in this life, which I did not, so I could show her that she had ruined my life and she should be responsible for me forever instead of stopping my self destructive pattern and become a point of stability for myself and others, equal and one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid as I wrote this out because I perceived a momentum of release of energy and patterns that made my heart beat faster fearing that I may not be able to get to the bottom of it and release this system completely in one go, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I'm not in a race and that I can stabilize myself in any point while dismantling a pattern to take it on again when  the point opens up further either through my own investigation or as a consequence of the words I am writing now

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when indulging in binge eating, not stop as soon as I saw I was walking the same pattern over and over again but instead project myself already at the purging point as the solution, as my point of control, reassuring myself that I was in control because there it was, purging as the solution, instead of taking a stand and push against a behavior I had now automated  to its completion to the satisfaction of myself as the mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hang on to fantasies of myself as a balanced woman with a healthy relationship with food because within these fantasies I separated myself from the solution, accepting and allowing myself to believe that the solution was out there somewhere in the future and that it would come naturally to me, instead of actively working toward the solution until the solution was one and equal to who I am as a balanced woman within a pragmatic approach to food as simply nutrition for my body

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed regarding my lack of control in relation to this food pattern and to live in fear that I could always be attacked by one of my patterns and then I would have to live it out all the way to the toilet bowl and within this for standing inferior to my mind accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself instead of standing one and equal to myself as the mind and correcting myself and my patterns equal and one to a solution to end all self abuse

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to carry such a weight on the top of my shoulders made of guilt and shame and regret for what I have become and for what I have participated within and as me, as spite that culminated into self abuse that took the form of a BED instead of releasing myself from my past and releasing all the other people involved with me in keeping this pattern alive by rewriting for myself a script I can live out when and as I activate one of those BED patterns until I come to the total deletion of them once and for all

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into that mental space where I know I exist as a binge eating disorder I stop, breathe, remind myself that I clearly saw the origin of this pattern and therefore I can't fool myself any longer, instead I seek where is the point of anger that made me wish to become spiteful toward another and that I am now attempting to turn on myself,  work on the emotional content to release myself and do not give in to BED as a solution  to suppress my emotions

When and as I see myself become angry at someone for something I perceive they have done, said, not done or not said to me, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I cannot afford to go down that route because I have turned spite into an art form that I yet have to work on to release myself from, instead I take out a piece of paper and make a note of my perceived received wrongdoing to work on it to a solution as soon as I have the opportunity

When and as I see myself in a conversation with my mother reacting to something like I did the other day, I stop, breathe, do not allow that point to fester into anger which will then in turn fester into spite, instead I commit to not engage any thoughts about it but to flag the point so I can work on it when I have the opportunity once the conversation with her is over

I commit myself to no longer use food as a way to spite myself and others

I commit myself to forgive myself and others unconditionally for everything that comes up within me that is related to this specific pattern

I commit myself to let go of food as a positive experience to re balance my perceived negative experiences of and as myself and to work to resolve the negative experiences into a solution that ends my participation within and as them

I commit myself to support my body one and equal with me in relation to food and when I see, sense, perceive that I am about to not stand by my commitment, to not do anything that would compromise me and lead me to walk my previous patterns but to stabilize myself within and as breath until I can further investigate what is going on and bring it to a solution once and for all

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