tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40697056760206751322024-02-01T22:54:42.691-08:00A Director's Journey to LifeEleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.comBlogger375125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-17111600940778776732018-03-13T15:15:00.001-07:002018-03-13T15:17:16.689-07:00Day 464: Understanding Self Responsibility as the Power of Self Creation<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It's been a long time since my last blog.</div>
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I have not gone away or given up or decided I am no longer walking a process of change with Desteni, not at all. </div>
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I have been walking some tough points - for me- in my physical life that had to do with my mum, with how to get back in control of my life without her so I could take care of myself, my mind and the things that were too hard to juggle with er in the way as I walked my process.</div>
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Basically I had to make a choice, keep my mother in my life, allow her to abuse me so she could feel better about herself or let go, understand that I could not change her life no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many parts of me I was willing to give up to please her, no matter how much I wished that we could heal together - it just did not happen.</div>
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The choice became process or relationship with my mother.</div>
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I chose process, aka, I chose myself.</div>
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This is not to say it is the right choice for everyone, it was the right choice for me.</div>
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If you have to spend all of your mental time dealing with someone who is mentally ill and lives to damage you, to put you down, to find reasons why slapping you in the face when you are over 50 is fine or someone that actually enjoys trying to make you dependent on her in every possible way, that struggles with you working toward your sanity because she has given up on hers, you will eventually come to a point where the choice is literally you - or her.</div>
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There are many taboos about going No Contact with your parents, I was born in Italy where religion intertwines with family, where the mother is a Virgin Saint that can make no mistakes because she does everything 'for your best interest' and she has what is best for you at heart.</div>
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If your mother/father is mentally ill, you will find that this is not actually true.</div>
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They live to harm you, not because they are evil, they are just sick.</div>
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They live in a Hell of their own creation and will not let you live in peace until you join them - trust me, I tried anything but she was way more creative than me to find new ways to torture me, I always did something wrong, wrong sentence, wrong memory, wrong tone, wrong look, wrong way to look at her or not look at her.</div>
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I lived for her approval that never came, I lived to see her healthy, peaceful, happy, so she could validate my existence -apparently- but I had to accept that this was not my responsibility, even when I put on 40 kilos of stress, left my money to her to manage so she would not be fearful of my alleged 'financial mistakes' to come, accepted that I should call her every x days (I always got the x wrong - too early, too late, wrong time), the unconditional love I longed for never came.</div>
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My mother is an undiagnosed malignant narcissist, please understand that every single one of us has personality disorders (hence why we are working to release our personalities altogether - ALL of them without exceptions are born of traumas and the inability to find a reason why the world is what it is and why the fuck we are even here in the first place, so we can safely say, every single one of our personality is SICK, evil, prone to damage others, dishonest and blameful).</div>
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I am writing another blog just about that, about mental health and why it is so important that we don't discount what is going on behind the scenes in apparently perfect families, where actually abuse is going on that can damage our children (because ALL the children of the world are Our Children - remember 'It Takes a Village') to a point were violence, lashing out at others, repeating the same mistakes, the same patterns imprinted in us by our sick ignorant parents are manifesting the world as it is and I will post the link of my other blog here.</div>
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But this will be a different blog, for those that are ready to go further into their Minds, for those that have walked enough process to understand that we need tools to change ourselves, that we need support to walk the least walked path of all, the path of Self Change, in this blog I will show HOW I came to realize what Self Responsibility is and how I overcame the fear of it, a deep rooted fear that self responsibility equaled Self Blame and why I had a deep misdirection about that specific word, that specific action that is required of me to enable myself to change for real.</div>
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When I started my process, thanks to Desteni and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZXQc1k3-ZI" target="_blank">Bernard Poolman whom did not have an inch of refrain in calling us as humanity EVIL</a>, I joined because I could feel the EVIL in me, I could see that what he said was true, I could see that I/we needed to change our ways and I processed this information in my own way, at my understanding of what Self Responsability meant at the time = Self Blame.</div>
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For years I had been really angry at my mother, when I finally had a chance to leave Italy I jumped on it and became a little healthier because I moved in a country where I could not smoke Pot, which had been my crouch for many years (over 13 by then).</div>
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The problem with that was that I had used pot to keep suppressed all the bad things that were going around in my head, I was not suicidal or homicidal but I was heavily depressed, completely detached from myself and anyone around me, dissociated from my own feelings and emotions as if they were there just by chance, as if I had not actually built all that shit up by myself because yes, my family life sucked, my mother was crazy and evil BUT I was the one accepting and allowing that shit to affect me, to define me, I was the one indulging in evil words about me, feeling unworthy because I could not get my mother's love no matter what I did, I was the one getting lost in predictions about the ominous future ahead of me because I was apparently a total fuck up - and so, as a fuck up, I did not mind to fuck up my life, I made my mothers words into my life story not because I was lazy to rewrite it - not because I did not want to rewrite it, just because I did not know how to, plus many of my<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQZ3o5mNdxk" target="_blank"> maladaptive personalities</a> found benefits, solace, relief in making my mum responsible for the ills in my life.</div>
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So, when I joined Desteni I spent years turning the wheel around ''taking self responsibility aka blame' for every shit I did, thought, said and yet I could not change myself as much as I hoped to, wanted to.</div>
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What I DID NOT understand at the time, no matter how clearly it was laid out in the Desteni material, was that I had just changed the target of my Blame, from my mother to me, this increased my stress because fuck, what a piece of shit I was, if I started as a fuck up, I ended up as a super fuck up as my self blame crushed me to a point of wanting to get away from everything and everyone, were everything that was said would always turn for me into self blame.</div>
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Last week as I chatted with my buddy, the conversation for me clearly outlined were the problem was, I had misdirected myself from self responsibility into self blame - big time - basically because in my mind the question 'what is self responsibility?' only existed as the polarity of blaming others to blaming myself.</div>
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This is how the conversation went</div>
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'Ele, you are still blaming your mother - where is your self Responsibility?'</div>
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first, I thought I did not - but my buddy is resilient, she said 'yes you are - this is a god ranting and raving for you to see where you are NOT YET taking self responsibility' </div>
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If you look at this sentence you can hopefully see how these 2 options only existed in opposition to each other inside of me,<i> you are making your mother responsible for you (Blaming her)</i> - </div>
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<i>where is your self responsibility (I don't see you blaming yourself</i>)</div>
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so I did try to correct my writing into Self Blame haha until I asked the simplest of question</div>
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What is Self responsibility - Really?</div>
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she said</div>
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'Self responsibility is being aware of the point of CREATION of You by You in a specific timeline, the point where YOU created YOU to be who/what you are today.</div>
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That point you have to OWN IT, OWN that point of Creation, SEE that as a maladaptive response you created as a coping mechanism to something, at one point in time, You made a decision to be, become something that no longer works for you OR others OR the world, You Did That. </div>
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No One Else.</div>
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If you can find your Point of Creation and OWN it - you can CHANGE IT'</div>
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(she didn't say this in so many words but I got this so thanks from the bottom of my heart Cerise for walking with me patiently while I banged my head on walls with a bread bag on my head until I got this, grateful from the bottom of my heart!)</div>
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Why am I writing this to explain my self realization of the moment?</div>
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because I see that many of us are still stuck in this dilemma, self blame vs self responsibility, we become skilled at not showing how we are still playing that game but really we are - this is why if we bring up anything that can support our change that is OUTSIDE what we understand process to be, self flagellation in some form, someone will always say 'where is your self responsibility'' and in that my friend, what we mean is 'I don't see you blaming yourself in self flagellation, this is what we have to do, show the world what pieces of shit we are, so the world can change so I am not changing my diet, doing yoga or whatever could work for me - because that would make me not self responsible aka I would not be suffering enough, it would be too much of an easy way out - I have to pay for my sins til redemption..'</div>
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Sadly, that KIND of redemption, never comes and if it doesn't come for ME, for YOU, for US, the world won't have it either.</div>
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We'll be locked in Hell together, some blaming others, some blaming ourselves, never becoming the Creators we could have been, never <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDDD2v-mR18" target="_blank">developing the required benevolence that has to start with me</a> because it can't start anywhere else, where I walk myself gently out of my Abusive Mind Patterns and free Me so as a Free person I can support others to support themselves to become Benevolent, compassionate, helpful and not harmful - as I heal me, the world Heals with & as me</div>
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So, as part of my assignment, I am going to apply my new understanding of Self Responsibility using self forgiveness as the tool where I forgive myself what I have become in this world, it doesn't matter why or what evil situation prompted/inspired/suggested me to create maladaptive responses, it Matters that I own my choices, my conclusions, my beliefs to the point where I created them, where I created ME, NOT in self blame but in understanding of what this process is, a Process of Creation with self forgiveness as the tool that will delete the maladaptive, misguided, evil response that I have automated - so I can change them.</div>
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Self forgiveness is not just a tap we open to let the shit out, noooo, that's not good enough, helpful but not good enough, it's an exercise in Creation, it's us rewriting the History/Herstory/Mystory that binds me/us into a Story that frees me/us.</div>
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Here I will use my mum as an example of my new understanding of the Process of Self Creation - aka Self response-Ability</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother was the Creator of me because she used to say "I made you - I can Unmake You" and she meant she would beat me til there was no more 'me', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was sick and used fear to bend me and crush me to her will and desires and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and conclude 'I am not the creator of me'</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my mother was the creator of me, she was responsible for how I came out, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was the sum of my decisions, conclusions, beliefs and acceptances that created me as I am today and therefore I can Uncreate what I Miscreated that is not working for me or for everyone else and the world - as a mirror of myself - and Create what I see would be best for me and contribute best to what is best for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask for support earlier about my misalignment of the word 'self responsibility', believing that redefining the word as 'the ability to respond' would sort the polarity that the word expressed for me, as me, and for dwelling on the time 'I have lost' trying to work this out and all the years I lost/wasted of self forgiveness that I used as a tap to relief myself, as a switch I applied as the Mind from blame to self blame, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I walked my process at the best of my abilities and that now that I have really comprehended what is required of me, what is available to me, I can change direction and work in a different way to find the points of Creation of everything I see is misaligned in me - so I can change it</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my process as 'a waste of time' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I perfectly built this process for myself, to show myself that I had a huge misalignment in me, as the word <i>Self Responsibility</i>, a misalignment that finally made me see, realize and understand how and why Bernard was so focused on us redefining the words we live, because if we don't, if we don't clear the words we live as us from their polarity, we may end up where I ended, applying the wrong path as the meaning of the word that was supposed to lay a clear path in front of me for me to walk and so within this, I forgive myself the ability to see more clearly when and how I am entering a polarized word, so I can redefine it - and if not able, ask help to redefine it so I can lay out clear paths for me to walk my process of Self Correction/Self Creation</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility of becoming a Creator because I always judged myself as a fuck up and to fear that I was not up to the task of gifting myself the responsibility for this Creation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am starting as a Baby Creator, starting with Me and I am not asked to fix the world out there but just that I fix Me, forgive to me everything I believed I was not able to do, I was limited to tackle while I eradicate in me the Evil that reverberates into the world, regardless of how it got there, when it got there or who created the circumstances for it to be there - so the world as my mirror can change with and as me</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was a Creator bigger than me, with more power and hence more responsibility for this Creation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that we are all Equally responsible as in Equally Capable to do better than what was done, to amend the stories that are running the show, our own stories, to put an end to the abuses, to the self abuses, so we can move on and create something different than what is here that is not working in an inclusive, compassionate and just way - for every living being</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a
pattern of 'a need for validation' as a response to my mother
gaslighting, hoping, wishing someone would step in and say 'yes, that
was abusive, yes, she said/did that, yes, you are not imagining things'
and within this for invalidating myself thinking what I felt, saw, heard
had to be double confirmed, for believing that I was not good enough to
trust myself to see abuse for what it is, when I was receiving it or
when inevitably, I did it to others, just like my mother - and within
this I forgive myself for the abusive personalities I created that
harmed myself and others - equally</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to validate what I went through and even though I see the benefits for a child to be validated to see that not 'everything is in their mind and they are not necessarily making things up just because their parents say so' - validation became a point that delayed my process of self correction because validation had to come from the outside, I had to look for people who were aware of the kind of patterns I lived with in my relationship with my mother and so- validation became a 2 edged sword, I had to wait til someone said 'yes, you experienced this, yes it's true, yes there are Holy Mothers who do this to their children' - and yet I could have skipped this step if I had understood that I could jump straight to self responsibility as THAT POINT where I created me as automated maladaptive patterns and responses to my environment and correct myself so I would no longer 'feel the need' to blame my mother, myself or anyone else for what/who I had become</div>
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed me to see, realize and understand, that I was offered tools by Desteni to shortcut the long road back to sanity, instead I lived the polarity of my own words, I had to live the misalignment until I got it, until I can say, hei fuck, I got this now, I couldn't get the full advantage of the shortcut Bernard worked so hard to lay out for me and us all, but I got there, now I can see, I am no longer blinded by the polarity of my own mind and words and within this I forgive myself for trying to measure in time the process I have walked as I see realize and understand that time is not an issue, walking the wrong way - not an issue, it's just important that each one of us walks out of their own minds applying any and every tool available - at their own pace, making their own mistakes, for which I am grateful as they may help someone else in the same situation to unravel some of the difficulties they may have encountered in their Process of Change</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe tat the EVIL Bernard talked about, was just what we do to others and to the world, discounting what we do to ourselves, how we sentence ourselves to live a life that is less than everything we could be or do just because we don't know how, or are not willing or fear to look at HOW WE CREATED ourselves as self abuse, reflecting the abusive ways we deal with ourselves onto others and then onto the world, as we leak out the invisible reality of who and what we have become while the world, kindly, supportively, shows us what is going on, asks us that we stop, because no one can grant us the forgiveness that we are hoping to receive from the outside, from our mothers, fathers -here or in Heaven- because that would mean we are not up to speed with Creation, we cant be trusted to be self responsible/empowered enough to Create benevolently - if we can't even start with ourselves</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to tackle process from the outside in - instead than delving from the inside out, because somewhere, somewhen I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was irrelevant as I spent my life listening to my mother's problems/feelings/emotions/desires/needs, leaving little to no space for me, to understand my needs, my emotions, my feelings so I could correct what was not serving me and others equally, for-giving to me everything I need, releasing what were never my desires but system implanted needs on an imaginary way to happiness that only fueled the consumption of this world, of other living beings and of myself, consumed by trying to get from the outside world what I believed I was not able to give myself and did not give myself through self for-giveness</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if it was my duty to cater to my mother's needs, desires and the regulation of her internal reality and emotional life until I made myself co-dependent and I made it other people's duty to cater to my needs and the regulation of my internal reality and emotional life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was sick and she misdirected her responsibility for her life on me and I became sick, misdirecting the response-ability of my life on others and that I could not learn to find the points of creations of me in me from someone who was not able to do this for herself and within this, I release my mum from the responsibility of me because I have learnt to give myself what I need, because I am walking a path of forgiveness that is available to all of us so we can become whole again and then create a world that is inclusive of all its parts as we become inclusive of all our parts that we embrace and to which we for-give what they did not have/thought they did not have/believed they did not have, that birthed them out of lack, into lack, creating a world of lack where there is not enough for everyone, even tough there is plenty for all of us and it will become available as we start for-giving the lack in and as ourselves</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create coping mechanisms to survive my family abuse that turned into abusive personalities, I forgive myself that I didn't give myself the time to see where, how and when I created me as self abuse so I could correct myself, move on, free myself and my position within the world in and as it, so we can create the new, the neverbeenherebefore, the world we wish to see that reflects our wholeness, our self respect and the dignity that we can only grant to all living beings - after we grant it to ourselves trough the gift of Self For-Giveness</div>
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for online free support check out</div>
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<a href="http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/" target="_blank">DesteniLite</a></div>
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get your own kick ass buddy here</div>
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<a href="http://desteniiprocess.com/" target="_blank">DesteniPro </a></div>
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If you have abused yourself with drugs or alcohol or have been under stress for prolonged period of times, if you have PTSD or CPTSD, you may benefit from a neurological protocol that will help reset the biochemistry of your brain and heal the tissues damaged by extensive exposure to adrenalin and cortisol (stress hormones)</div>
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Drop me a message if you wish to know more about how I supported myself this way while walking my process of Self Correction </div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-82345275106751318112016-11-29T13:55:00.000-08:002016-11-29T13:55:01.364-08:00Day 463: The Alchemy of Change<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h32/roy_mustang-angel666/Anime/couples/alchemy_tarot_card.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h32/roy_mustang-angel666/Anime/couples/alchemy_tarot_card.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
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I want to write about this experience I have had for a few years now, which has to do with the experience I go through when I discover 'something new' about the world - which is usually bad/sad/horrible - and I end up feeling crushed by it.</div>
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This experience has been with me for almost 6 years now and I have only recently realized that I have an attachment to feeling bad, mainly because I worked hard to only 'feel good' for almost 10 years of my life, when I joined the 'Think Positive' Movement in all its fringes and prophets, it's like I have to now 'pay this price', like if Getting Real should be about really Feeling Bad about the State of Things, The State of the World, the State of Myself when I look at how many programs I still run on that are not best for myself or All Life.</div>
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Some days I feel so bad that I get nauseous and then it seems like I can't identify in that moment what the cause is for that ill-being, when in fact it's just a long standing accumulation of disappointments, like I had appointed myself to see the world in a certain way until I woke up and the crash was so big that I didn't really know how to handle it or basically, how to change my rosy theresareasonforeverything world view to WTF!</div>
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So I can see that there was a sort of fall from Grace that I haven't really addresses specifically enough to grant myself permission to go on and live, because there's no choice really, here I am and I can drag my feet through this Life as a demented Shocked Zombie or stand up, dust off the disappointment, the shock, the sadness, the guilt and shame and keep walking a path of personal correction as my contribution to the Change that I want for myself and the rest of Existence.</div>
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So I am going to walk backward to the first point of shock that I haven't released, realized - to let go of all the energy I have accumulated on top of it afterward and consequentially all the moments that I saw I could break through but did not because 'it was just all too much'.</div>
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So, the first point of shock was when I discovered that there were Cancer cures available in this world and people didn't know about them.</div>
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I remember a feeling of devastation as I spent time with healers that told me things about people with cancers that were gone through fasting or through other alternative cheap modalities that were derided in the mainstream medical establishment.</div>
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I guess this first fall from Grace was because I had not yet come to understand the economics engines of this world and what they were geared for, take the medical establishment which was obviously engineered to create patients and not recovered ex-patients and how far they would go to ensure their supply of sick people would never end.</div>
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This seemed particularly EVIL to me because I had attached to the Medical Profession - guys with White Coats who spent years getting an Education to Save Lives - a positive connotation, so here I can see how the pattern plays out of having extreme difficulties in switching gear and accept that what I thought and believed to be Good - was in fact not so.</div>
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As well I can see a tendency of me as The Mind to just want to have clear labels to live by, like in Disney Cartoons, where the Bad Guys are clearly Bad and the Good ones clearly good and not feel forced to live into these grey dimensions of 'sometimes they are good, sometimes not - some of them are good - but not all of them'.</div>
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From there it was a slippery slope down, to the point that one day I sat on my computer and googled this question 'who knows we are in Hell?'</div>
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That would be about when I met Desteni and The Portal.</div>
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At the time I bombarded myself with tons of other information about the world and the nature of the world as a reflection of ourselves, I didn't have the same experience as some others walking my same Path of Correction, I felt bad almost throughout All of the Videos I watched, I could never see the silver lining in any of the information shared, not because there wasn't, just because it wasn't The Silver Lining I Wanted.</div>
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I wanted a solution for sure, I just didn't want THAT Solution, I didn't want all the responsibility On Me, come on, being responsible in every moment of Breath for my thoughts, words and deeds? Seemed fucking delirious at the time - I could barely NOT Act on my Thoughts at that stage, which in my opinion made me better that those that did, I was one step ahead of the Game, I was good because I could have a really nasty thought and not act on it, not speak it, suppress it with pot, sex, food, anything would be better than Act on it - good enough for me.</div>
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Unfortunately what I came to understand was that, aware or not, everything I had created, participated in, accepted and allowed for myself and others in this world, had become ME, maybe this was really the most shocking thing of them all.</div>
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So, basically, I joined this Process of Correction out of Guilt and Shame and walked it anyway, carrying/dragging myself through these negative emotions and suppression, so today, I am not here to judge myself or to say I was not honest with my process because I see that I did a hell of a job carrying/dragging myself through it despite all of these negative emotions, which were not my motivators because the motivation was my understanding that Yes, I have done that, been that, I can see in me everything that is Not working in the world, I can see how my existence either becomes a testimony for a new way of Living and a New World for All or I will be part of the Problem.</div>
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And So I walked this process regardless of how I felt about it, about me, about the world.</div>
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It took me several years to really start having a glimpse of what Process is, first because this word is quite charged for me and I never took the time to clear it</div>
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Process - like trial in Italian - Processo</div>
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Process as processed things - like Food - not good</div>
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instead of Process as something in the Process of being turned inside out, to give birth to something new, a real Alchemy of Matter, an Alchemy of moving what really Matters into a Living Expression, processing one self from serfdom and automation to a Living and Breathing Being - forgifting myself everything that I was not given, born with, engineered for.</div>
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So, time to transform Process as Penance, to a Living Expression of Myself as a decision I make, not because I am unworthy to live the way I am but because there's so much more to me that I can express in this Life, if I dare to take the steps to address what I don't like/approve of me into what I decide I want to be beyond my current, perceived, limitations.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I fell from Grace when I faced this world for the first time, real-eyesing what we were dealing with, inside and out of ourselves</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into Fear when it came to me having to For-give myself, instead of leaving the task to an unknown invisible entity like the Universe or a Supreme Being, because I wasn't sure I would be up to the task to give to myself as I would have liked to receive, not seeing realizing and understanding that no one else can for-give to me what I can see I can become as my utmost potential - but myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pride myself about the belief I held that things were quite simple 'either black or white' accepting only the 'greys' I had already fathomed in the blackandwhite equation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Life is not about opening up to the limited 'greys' we have already equated but it's about expanding beyond black/white and grays to include everything that exists, from the small to the big until I can stand equal to all of existence without shame or guilt for what we have collectively created and conveniently disowned</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that no one can possibly be responsible for themselves in every moment of breath, simply because I reaped the benefits of my automated irresponsible existence til then and I didn't want to have to make the effort of being aware of myself at all times and about how I was creating my thoughts, words and deeds while I blamed the Creator that created us, instead of seeing that this process was a chance for me to make myself better than the Creator of me did - as the Creator of myself - as I accept responsibility for myself and everything that exists - equal and one- to redesign me into the best possible version of myself and in so doing contribute to the creation of the best possible piece of this world that I can be, changing the world - as me</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since we were in Hell already, I could only live the rest of my life as a sad, hopeless, crushed existence that has become aware of its hellish condition, instead of fully comprehend that this process was a Gift, was the forgiftness that we were graced with as a way out of what we have been - on the road to our utmost potential</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this moment of Grace was not 'given to me' as an undeserving being, but it is for me to give to myself, to give myself Worth as Life - to stop the cycles of shame and guilt that lay deep down each one of us for creating such a world that doesn't honour Life - and so ourselves as Life</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of Grief for who I have been, what I thought, said and done to myself and people around me as I accepted my automated life of reactions vs embracing my response ability to Not React but make decisions in every moment, that would be solutions for myself and others, to create a Life of Harmony inside and outside of myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to under-stand the information I gathered about existence and how it all came about, because I accepted and allowed myself to be sucked into an existential fear that everything was too big, too screwed up, too far gone for anyone to be able to address a credible change in any way, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the information we received were meant to empower us to stop this specific design, to realize that whatever has happened is now past and while not gone, we have tools now to address our lives from beginning to end, correcting, realigning and becoming expressions of what the world we would like to live in would be - so I walk this process of moulding myself into what I could have been and what I can still be as I stop giving in to my Mind that wants to decide for me, as me, who I should be in every moment as reaction vs self expression, deciding the best outcome for all in every moment of choice</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be put off by the word 'Process' as processed meat, processed food, as Trial, as pro-cess - aka toward/supporting the toilet lol, instead of seeing Process for what it is, an alchemical process of transformation of Matters, of Matter, of what Matters, from inconsequential to willingly, aware-ly consequential, where my actions, words and thoughts exists in alignment, where I have nothing to hide, regret or be ashamed of because I work to exist as the best possible version of myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a step back from my process as I felt the information I was receiving, the points we were opening up, the paths we walked to make our changes real - were the problem and the source of how I felt, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that nothing happens inside of me that I have not created and that in taking response-ability for my Creations, I get the access key to change the relationships I have formed with things, people, events and memories in my Life - and that in truth - there's no Power Greater than the one found within Self Responsibility and the Ability Each One of Us can Gift to ourselves - to Change.<br />
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<ul style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; margin: 0 0 1em 1em; padding: 0;">
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://www.destonians.com/" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Destonians</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Desteni Lite Process</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://www.desteniiprocess.com/" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Desteni I Process</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Agreement/Redefining Relationship Course</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://wiki.destonians.com/Desteni" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Desteni Wiki</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/desteniespanol" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Desteni Español</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://www.creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Creation’s Journey to Life</a>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-51008117839828610742016-11-25T01:20:00.002-08:002016-11-25T01:22:10.995-08:00Day 462: When in doubt - Apologize<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://day2dayjoys.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Learning-to-Apologize.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://day2dayjoys.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Learning-to-Apologize.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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I want to share something I have learned through trial and err to snap myself out of an energetic possession in a moment of conflict with someone.</div>
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I will bring up an example of a situation that went on with my mum a few days ago, I told someone I would give them the TV we had at home because I got a new smart TV with my phone contract for a small monthly fee.</div>
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This has to do with my 'Generous Character' something I will be taking on next because it's an Automated part of myself that I wish to release so I can live my Giving as a form of Self Expression and not as a Compulsion.</div>
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The TV I now have at home belongs to my mum, for some reasons, because it's now in my home, it felt like it was 'mine', so I could give it away if I wanted to, without asking if she minded.</div>
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When I told her she became very angry and told me that this was not Mine to Give, so I went through these emotions as a consequence of realizing that this was in fact true</div>
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I felt wrong/wronged </div>
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I felt ashamed that I didn't consider the fact that it was not my TV to give away</div>
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I felt righteous because 'Giving is always a good thing'</div>
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I called my mother 'Selfish' because she already has 2 TVs at home and so 'Not Giving Willingly and Happily' this one - made her Selfish</div>
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That's when she almost blew a fuse.</div>
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That was the moment as well when I saw I had a choice, I could keep building up bullshit on why I was right (I tried the 'it's in my house so must be mine to give away if I want' - that's about where I drew the line) or I could stop on my track, take a deep breath, look at what I was doing, assess the way ahead to step out of this emotional possession - which I knew very well where it would lead - and in so doing stopping any undesirable consequence for myself and my mum.</div>
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I found that Apologizing in the midst of an energetic possession is like a Spell Breaker, because, the whole point of the bullshit build up is because I don't want to Apologize and Be Wrong about something, instead I found that what I resisted the most held a very important key for me to free myself.</div>
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Apologizing is like stepping onto a neutral plateau where I no longer feel the need or drive to create more crap to not apologize for something I have done that didn't consider all parts involved, in this case I didn't consider that my mum had a special attachment to this TV because she got it at a bargain price and put it in my grandma's home when that place became her own, I didn't consider that since it was hers, she could have decided to give it away to someone else, or not give it away at all- none of her reasons were for me to judge anyway but just to consider that this is where she stood at the moment with regards to that specific thing.</div>
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So sharing this very useful tool</div>
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when you see something escalating emotionally with someone, no matter what your good reasons are for taking a specific stand - start with the apology, it works wonders and you will be giving yourself the gift of integrity - as you no longer accept and allow your Mind (as your ideas, beliefs, past experiences, pre-programming) to decide who you are and who you want to be in any moment of your Life.</div>
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For further tools and support to create the best version of yourself, for yourself and all Life, One and Equal, check out Desteni here</div>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://www.desteni.org/articles" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Desteni Articles</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://www.destonians.com/" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Destonians</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Desteni Lite Process</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://www.desteniiprocess.com/" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Desteni I Process</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Agreement/Redefining Relationship Course</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://forum.desteni.org/" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Desteni Forum</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/desteniespanol" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Desteni Español</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://www.creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Creation’s Journey to Life</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Heaven’s Journey To Life</a>
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<li style="color: #444444; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.4em; line-height: 1.6; margin-left: 1em;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/7yearjourneytolife" style="color: #2585b2; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">7 Year Journey To Life Process</a></li>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-9736066853058517582016-04-04T07:11:00.002-07:002016-04-04T07:23:22.278-07:00Day 460: The Manipulative Power of Wounds<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://anupturnedsoul.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/castaneda.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://anupturnedsoul.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/castaneda.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "arial" , "helvetica"; font-size: x-small;">Woundology (a term created by <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/books/first/m/myss-heal.html" target="_blank">Carolyn Miss </a>) is about using the wounds -- the
hurts, the traumas, the unfortunate events, the slings and arrows of
life in general -- in order for
the wounded person to manipulate others, elicit sympathy or compassion,
to gain a measure of power and/or authority, and/or to claim allowance
for their disagreeable actions. It is a specialized form of <b><u><a href="http://www.halexandria.org/dward043.htm">Scapegoatology</a></u></b>, in which the world, Fates, outrageous fortune, and most everyone else are blamed for what the woundee has experienced. Woundology
is about claiming compensation for the woundee’s problems by others
acquiescing to their demands and arguments, allowing the woundee to have
their way, extending sympathy in most every form, and forgiving the
woundee’s failings and faults. </span></i></div>
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I have been teaching my mum about process and as I go and I force myself to render 'what process is' in my mothertongue (Italian), new dimension of 'Process' are opening up for myself as well.</div>
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At the moment I have been my mum's buddy it was a very cool exercise because I walked with her things that are coming up through the process of using Homeopathy to heal some terrible pains she has at nighttime that she described as 'angry dogs tearing away at my flesh' - and I want to underline that my mum, like myself , or viceversa - lol-, is a big suppressor of emotions because we believe somewhere that is 'unbecoming' to bring up negative stuff and play the victim. Not that we haven't plenty indulged in the victim personality, we just always saw it as most appropriate to do it in the secrecy of our own mind.</div>
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What has come up though, as I read her writing, is a sort of anticipation of a specific event that happened between us and for which it seems she has not done enough 'penance'.</div>
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Things that highlighted the need for me to bring this point up that took place in the past week</div>
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'someone' said to me 'I forgive but don't forget' - mirroring myself</div>
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the desire to bring up this even with someone to share it in a context that could 'justify' my past trespassing with him - as in 'you don't know what I went through'</div>
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the fact that the event is still loaded with emotions because when I bring it up, I want to cry</div>
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the delusion of not finding it in my mother's writing, like a gaping wound that she should bring up because was so fundamental and she should not get off that easy for it</div>
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the fact that one point contained in this event came up recently with a friend and I felt 'she should not have chosen him over me' </div>
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So, I will use the tools I have learnt from #<a href="http://desteni.org/" target="_blank">Desteni </a>to release myself and my mum from this past memory once and for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this specific <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/possessed-by-memories-the-future-of-consciousness-part-59" target="_blank">memory </a>of an event that took place between me and my mum in which I judged that she only acted in her own self interest not putting me ahead of her wants/needs because a good mum should have done that and not choose a lousy man over me</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum for what she did in a way that only highlighted Her wrongdoing without considering that there were many other things happening between us that may have pushed her to decide to simply take a break from our relationship that did not necessarily had to do with her 'choosing someone over me'</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished by my interpretation of an event as my mum 'choosing a lousy man over me' and for then projecting this disappointment onto other situation where I had the perception that someone 'chose a (lousy) man over me'</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed that this specific event did not come up in her writing because I labelled it as a 'fundamental life changing event' between us while she skips and hops over it so she won't have to face what she did that was unacceptable in my perception</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this event that I labelled as 'life changing' between us, not wanting to see, realize and understand that if it was so life changing and not in a way that benefited any of us, it was my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/short-circuit-reactions-with-responsibility-reptilians-part-488" target="_blank">responsibility </a>to revisit it to empty it of it emotional content so that it would not stand between me and her and the path we are walking to change ourselves to realign to what is best for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of this past event because I saw that I could always use it as my wild card to explain to people why I allowed myself to be a total ass in certain situation because I had been 'wounded' beyond repair and therefore I was entitled to live a wounded life and not change myself from the 'wounded' character, to a healthy forgiving being that would work to reach her utmost potential</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not sorting this out sooner but for waiting for the wake up call of the 'angry dogs that could be eating at my flesh' soon enough, if I don't work to let go this point of suppressed anger, like my mum didn't work to let go of her anger toward her mum - until now</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I had allowed myself to embody this memory to such an extent that I became it and it became me, and in doing so I held on to a self inflicted wound for over 20 years just because it was too precious to let it go as it allowed me to feel in credit toward my mum and keep her indebted to me - for life</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish to keep my mum indebted to me because I felt indebted to her for all the sacrifices she made for me as I grew up for which I gave her no recognition and that made me hostile to her because I didn't want to live indebted to someone, just to end up doing the same thing to her</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fell indebted to my mum and as such to feel inferior because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that those who carry the debts are inferior and those that carry the credit are superior </div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the instrumental use I was making of this memory so I could profit from it, profit from my mum and her guilt, profit from the pity I could elicit in those I would choose to share this memory with, actively participating in woundology for profit while blaming my mum all this time for what 'she did'</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I feared letting go of this negative memory because I perceived that I would lose my advantage with my mum and go back to feeling inferior, while if I held on to this memory and my credit and made it larger every time I revisited the memory I could prevent myself from feeling indebted, I could be debt free, I could be the creditor, effectively the winner at the game of winner/losers, debtors/creditor, instead of redefining my relationship with my mum beyond debts and credits as one of support for each other and for all life, one and equal</div>
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Redefining the word Mother/Mamma</div>
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This word is defined in Italian as a 'symbol of sacrifice, love, worry</div>
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Exclamation of anxiety, fear, worry</div>
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Someone who takes care of someone else being their guide</div>
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Lacking definition from our Italian dictionary - oddly enough</div>
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someone who gave birth to someone</div>
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What is a mother?</div>
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it's a being, just like me, who either gave birth or cares for someone like if she did</div>
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When and if I should see myself desiring to bring up again the event that took place between me and my mum in which I made her indebted to me, I stop, breathe, look at WHY I would like to trade this past perceived wound with someone, be it a desire for intimacy or a desire to be excused for something I have done and instead of using this as a trade off, I address the underlying point directly if not in the specific moment, soon after as I have realigned myself to express what it is I really would like to express myself as in the moment</div>
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I commit myself to disengage from this past event and to release my mum from the perceived debt she had with me for life because I want to live debt free, I want to create a debt free world and I cannot have what I am not willing to give to others, as one, as equal, as Life</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-54187884115274224712015-04-08T02:37:00.004-07:002015-04-08T02:37:37.809-07:00Day 455: Anger Management - Using Anger to 'sort things out'<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIVlZkljDa4BjbJYUyoWKPNDk83ADTPWZH9Mzsbdpg8wAUzDx8eMr9X8-B-sVOmw4NkTdSZ-IpK_JQQg-0eLrppJH6oy0hrUExhyjx4-9Q-gBhigYl5suEvizbSR7dDgB_OqsH66NI8C4/s1600/anger+(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIVlZkljDa4BjbJYUyoWKPNDk83ADTPWZH9Mzsbdpg8wAUzDx8eMr9X8-B-sVOmw4NkTdSZ-IpK_JQQg-0eLrppJH6oy0hrUExhyjx4-9Q-gBhigYl5suEvizbSR7dDgB_OqsH66NI8C4/s1600/anger+(2).jpg" height="297" width="320" /></a></div>
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Last night at 1.30 am my car switched her engine off and left me stranded with another 3 friends in the car and a total of 3 dogs.</div>
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I was aware that at some levels I felt ashamed with my friends because when I was a kid my mum always had shitty cars that gave us all sorts of troubles, cars I had to push to kick start in front of everyone watching me and I connected shitty cars to being poor and hence something to be ashamed about. Funny how being poor in our society doesn't seem to be bad enough, we managed to attach blame to being poor - hence the shame most poor people live with -day in and day out.</div>
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While I sough for a solution, I remembered I had an insurance that would cover road assistance for break downs but I could not find the card with their number, so I looked on Internet, found their 24 hrs toll free number and called.</div>
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I told the operator I was insured with Unipol Sai, I offered to give my policy number but he said he didn't need it and I though - wow, we have become so efficient with all this technology, I was feeling sorry for my friends as well who had things to do early this morning but waited with me for 1 hour until the car was towed away and we could call a taxi to go home.</div>
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So I kind of bottled up some emotions about it and then this morning a gingerly guy called me to tell me I had called the wrong number last night and I would be charged for the assistance, the more he tried to explain how 'I' made the mistake, the more I saw myself 'losing it'.</div>
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First thing I was really pissed off about was that he insisted that 'I called the wrong number' as in wanting to shift the responsibility on me about them not telling me 'you called the wrong number' right away, which seemed to be the normal obvious thing that should happen in such cases - how do I know the number is wrong if the guy knows what my policy covers, doesn't ask for the number and says I am covered for towing the car away? Bloody mind reading?</div>
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I was positive I was NOT going to pay for this mistake, but I got angry anyway, like being angry would add weight to our verbal transaction because the one angry is usually right and the one not angry -wrong.</div>
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I am aware that this is a cultural glitch in my make up and I will now write out this episode to release all the charges I have accumulated inside me and to bring this idea that 'getting angry will sort things out' to a closure as this belief is not best for me nor for anyone else involved.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my car broke down, to feel ashamed toward my friends fearing that I would look like a 'loser', someone who doesn't have everything together and for going back in the same emotional state I felt while I was a kid and my mother had all those shitty cars that I had to push to kick-start when I was nicely dressed up- specifically to escape the impression that we were poor, by comparison to my grandparents, something I felt ashamed and inferior about</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that poor people must be ashamed of their poverty as a testimony of a life of fuck ups, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that many people that can't get to the end of the month in this world have made all the best possible choices Available to Them, because choices are for the chosen Rich Ones and the less money one has, the less choices</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum as a loser as I grew up because she could not afford a car that would always start without fail and for blaming her for how I experienced myself when I had to run after the car to kick start it, blaming her for feeling diminished, exposed and not good enough to have a good car instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these emotions were the result of how I copied the perception of my grandparents about my mother, who wanted to blame her for being an underachiever so they could avoid feeling guilty for never helping her out in the first place - no matter the fact that my mum worked like a dog and raised a child all by herself</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that blaming the poor, shaming them and belittling their whole existence is what we all still collectively do to not have to take responsibility for the system of inequality that we have created, where some drive million dollar cars while others get all the crap left overs be that about cars, homes, food, water and quality of air and life and within this I forgive myself for participating in the system of inequality perceiving myself both as a poor with all the negative emotions that go with it and a rich with all the positive feelings that go with it, instead of stopping and considering that we could all get off this energetic wheel by creating a system that works for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when this morning the guy called me trying to push the blame for the fuck up on me, to go livid and tell him that it was worrisome how they were even trying to do that, considering that if someone calls me in the middle of the night to have their car towed away and I am not their insurer I would say 'wrong number' while not considering all the time I have done the exact same thing, refining this art to a T in away that I still apply to my current job, where I immediately look for how I can make another responsible for a company fuck up so we don't have to be blamed about it - and in that case I look at it as a 'skill'</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become skillful in the art of blaming others for my fuck ups, always seeking for ways to not take responsibility for who I am and what I have become and to consider that 'an art, a quality, something to be praised for, especially in the workplace' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that taking responsibility will have to start at my own individual level and weave out in everything I touch and do, for me to be a contributor to change in this world</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get angry I have more leverage, more chances to get things to work my way, that pushing back someone who is being abusive with anger is justified and not equally abusive and within this for fearing that unless I get 'really angry' I won't be able to deliver home what I see as the natural outcome solution where a mistake has been made and it's clear where the responsibility lies, be that with myself or others</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get really angry as a joining in into my cultural heritage, where Italians are perceived to be short fused, hot blooded, fiery and for attaching a positive feeling to all these aspects as in belonging to a specific group, excusing therefore myself for not changing because 'that's the way we are', like I can't do anything about it when in fact I can do something about it, like change and stop justifying why this is the best way to operate just because it worked all my life, although I know I have not yet explored alternatives to this behavior that may deliver the same result without my participation in energetic play outs for which, by the way, I have to always end up apologizing instead of avoiding them in the first place, no matter how justified my participation in anger may seem in a specific moment</div>
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When and as I see myself triggered into believing something is taking place for which I perceive have been wronged, duped, tricked, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that my usual response to these triggers in the past has been anger, breathe and see how can I deliver the point of my own rights in a non confrontational manner that can bring about a solution, that doesn't need to be energy driven</div>
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When and as I see myself thinking 'this anger is plenty justified', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that there is no good reason for needing anger to explain myself or to prove that on an agreement/contractual point I am right, even if and when I become aware that the other person is attempting to blame me for something that it's entirely their responsibility such in the case that took place last night</div>
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When and as I see myself wanting to 'give them a piece of my mind', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that mostly there is nothing in my mind worth sharing in a moment where I am on the brink to be overcharged with an energetic possession and that I could explain myself more clearly when not possessed by energetic reactions that drive automated behaviors in me, that don't allow me to see clearly what is going on and what position I must take to direct a point to a solution</div>
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When and as I see myself thinking 'see, it worked because I got angry', I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that most times what I had to say just worked because it made sense, because there was a logical approach to it and a fair understanding of the situation and its implication and that the anger point is really just redundant, unnecessary and not at all what sorts things out but something I end up having to apologize for - meaning, was not the right thing to do in any case, in the first place</div>
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I commit myself to sort out this point of 'Anger Management' as in using Anger to manage things</div>
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I commit myself to remind myself that I have clearly seen into this point and written out this script I can fall back on to direct myself the next time I see myself tempted to use this approach to sort things out</div>
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I commit myself to giving up my energetic experiences for the self interest of a short lived high - in favour of a life of substance that works for myself and for all existence, Equal and One</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-90178575232567519492015-03-28T13:42:00.001-07:002015-03-28T14:01:27.990-07:00Day 454: Releasing The Perception of a Suffocating Mother<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I have been aware that I need to work on this point for some time, quite unfortunately I am aware that I still tend to learn through consequences or to wait for consequences to make it clear that if I delay more on a point I will timeloop and have to live it again.<br />
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This is the case with this perception that I have about my mother, the key work here is 'suffocating/suffocation', this word is so much a key to the way I perceive her that some of my friends are able to pick it up within me as if this is what my mother does - for real-, instead that that word existing in and as my own experience of my mother, a version of my mother I have created that may even have little or nothing to do with her - we'll see.<br />
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So, this perception of <i>being utterly suffocated by this woman</i> goes back a long time, my mother believed in keeping a tight leash on me as I grew up, looking back frankly, quite appropriately, because I grew up in the Bronx of Milan, where drug dealing was the norm and a tiny fruit stall in the square in front of my house, used as a cover up for some illicit affairs, was regularly set on fire by rival gangs. <br />
Let's say it was not the best environment to let a child loose.<br />
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My mum was not deeply religious either, as some Italians are, this as well contributed to her perception that she had to do most of the work other mothers leave up to God, so she was fiercely protective of me and she rathered be the one to know where I was at all times than spend a prayer to trust me in the mighty hands of the Divine.<br />
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All of these things and many of her energetic outbursts contributed to me associating what I felt when around her to Her personally, never seeing, realizing or understanding that I was the one making associations, defining moments and her within them, moments when I felt uneasy or tense or utterly scared or angry as her doing and not my doing, shifting the responsibility for what happened inside of me onto her - to the point where every emotion that came up within me as a result of interacting with her - I blamed it on her.<br />
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So, the relationship with my mother has been characterized by these main character play outs - the victim, the rebel, the rightful, the scorned and of course, last but not least - the suffocated one.<br />
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I will now apply one of the tools I have learned walking with <a href="http://desteni.org/" target="_blank">Desteni </a>to release the layered energy build ups in relation to this point and what is around it. <br />
By the way I want to share that since I have been walking with Desteni and have consistently applied the tools, specifically about the relationship with my mother, I have been able to change many of our dynamics, just 2 days ago, when she went beserk over something, I was able to not allow this to blow into a full possession on my side and even though she went into the same blameful dynamic of making me responsible for how she felt over something I said, I did not fuel the progression because I was not as charged as I used to be toward her, which gave me the advantage of holding a space for her to let loose without me loosing myself within in or taking what she was saying personally, so these tools WORK - this is a proven fact.<br />
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Self forgiveness is not a magic wand, I know because it didn't make my mother disappear -hehe- what it did for me was giving me space, so instead of living in a convoluted cloud of emotions and feelings and thoughts, I built up space inside of myself and yes, sometimes I fell and still fall and let a fuck off run loose, but then I pick myself up, reassess the point, see why I reacted, where I am still emotional, what I can correct to become more stable and stop blaming others for how I experience myself.<br />
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Regarding my mother for example I realized that when 'I loose it' she has nothing to do with it, she is just role playing and every role needs an antagonist. It is when I stopped being the antagonist that I started to create opportunities for change for her as well. Not that this matters because I can't be responsible for her change, or anyone else for that matter, but it shows that what we do affects others, and if we don't stop our role playing, our polarity swinging, our energy building, we'll keep going the same direction we have gone so far, into the hellish existences we have created for each other and have justified because 'she/he did that first/said that first/thought that first and told me to go fuck myself first' and in that we miss the basic point of our collective change -<br />
forgiving means letting go of our idea of a valid retribution/restitution - there won't be any, if we held on to that we would be stuck into these cycles of ex I stance forever more instead of gifting to ourselves and each other the gift to break free, because we never considered before that we may deserve better than what we have created so far and as we do we'll see that everyone else does as well, this is why we have started a movement for-giving to each other the chance to start anew to create ourselves and our futures as something we can be proud of.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my emotional world to my mother and to believe she was the one generating emotions inside of me - instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I was the one IN CHARGE, creating all sorts of energies as a consequences of the thoughts I accepted and allowed inside myself about her, her words and her actions<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and say out loud that my mother is a 'suffocating woman' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was associating my feeling of 'being suffocated' by all the energies that I created and juggled inside myself to her, because she happened to be around at the same time when and while I was creating these experiencing in and as myself<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was angry at my mother for the way I felt when I allowed myself to be triggered into an emotional reaction by some words she spoke or things she did that I took personally instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was unable to manage her emotional world and that she was just overflowing what she could no longer contain and that was not personal or meant to harm me but was her pressure valve going off with those closest to her as that's where she felt safest to let loose<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized by my mother as if she was the abuser and I was the abused, when in fact I have equally abused both myself by participating in emotional possessions and her by copying the same pressure cooker valve system and within this for believing that it was ok to blame her for what I felt and experienced just because she blamed me for what she felt and experienced<br />
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to rebel to her authority to the point that I run away from home when I was 17 just to get away from all the crap and commotion that was going on in my home and for not seeing realizing and understanding that I was reacting to the belief that she was the cause of my own experiences of myself and what I was rebelling against instead of seeing the real cause of my own experience of myself which was me as the Mind and all the conflicting thoughts and beliefs I was trying to manage at the same time that were generating extensive friction and uneasiness inside of me for which my mother had no response-ability at all<br />
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for throwing away 20 + years of my life smoking pot because 'if she had not been the asshole that she was' I would never have resorted to 'self medicating' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I conveniently blamed my mother for how I experienced myself because blaming her gave me <i>carte blanche</i> to be a total ass and to reject any responsibility for myself because 'there was this obsessive woman' doing all the work anyway - which meant I was not required to and I could just cruise away as a free spirit and never be the lame woman I came to believe she was<br />
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons to criticize my mother as I grew up because I wanted reasons that showed I was right and she was wrong and that the physical repulsion I have developed for her was in fact justified by the very long list of things I accumulated against her - like the terrible shoes she wore even being born in Italy -forgodssake-, the fact that she mismatched the colours that she wore, the fact that she wouldn't wear make up to look good to the point that in my eyes she became this dysmorphic creature born in a family of good looking people, which meant she must have been really evil at heart because beauty=good and she had none of it<br />
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was ashamed of my mother because 'she didn't look good' and because I took on from my grandmother this value of being beautiful and groomed and listened to all the criticism my grandma made about my mother, about the way she looked, about the way she thought, about the men she chose that would never stick around long enough to prove she was worthy of a relationship and within this I forgive myself for the shame and the anger I felt when I sat down while my grandmother spoke about my mother in ways that hurt me but kept quiet because I hoped to be in her good books when she would die and leave her money to me and not to such an undeserving woman as my mother was in her eyes, until she was that in my eyes as well<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dirty and untrustworthy for not standing up for my mum when my grandmother and my grandfather spoke about her like she was just a ball of untamed emotions without seeing realizing and understanding that they too were into the blame game and that my grandmother wanted no responsbility for my mother's feelings of not having been wanted when she abandoned her as a child and so she worked hard to make my mother guilty and undeserving so she could feel better about what she did and within this for allowing myself to copy this behavior of making others guilty for my own feelings and emotions and then trying to belittle them to prove that it was always them at fault and not me in any way<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my mother was not a good mother and that was the reason why I turned out the way I did and for telling her when I gave up pot that I had been addicted for a long time, just so she would know that everything she said and did to me didn't go without consequences, justifying this disclosure as 'explaining myself' so she would stop to take some things personally while in the background I run my little extortion racket where I knew she would move into guilt and I would have my own little revenge while she took on the blame for my own existence so that I could keep on living irresponsibly and not feeling bad about it - because it was her fault if I resorted to pot to manage my own experience of myself - self created - inward generated and outward projected and blamed<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted by my mother, strangulated, suffocated, believing she was the one doing this to me, instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that I was a victim of my own mind let loose and never directed and that I used pot to find some breath in between emotional possessions and that I felt ashamed of this vice that I then glorified into a lifestyle and a choice and this made it even more important and vital for me to blame my mother because I was looking for ways to get rid of the shame of my existence and as she blamed her mother and my grandmother blamed her daughter, it seemed a fit choice for me to join in the blame game and blame them both and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the blame game and in construct of superiority and inferiority to try and justify why I was not responsible for the choices I had made and who I had become<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I had created an 'Inner Mother' using bits and pieces of the most unpleasant memories that I stored about my relationship with my mother and that I have used this inner Mother as a stick to beat myself up with and a measure to check any of my decision against and that the friction I caused inside myself by living 24/7 with this Inner Mother I myself created, I then blamed it onto my real mother, making her responsible of the inner turmoils I lived relative to the inner dialogues I had between myself and my self created Inner Mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was always the one and only using the rod on myself that I blamed my mother for <br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my inner mother may say about some decisions I want to make, in fact about any decision I want to make, because, as I realized as a child that I had no power to make my mother happy consistently, I created an internal mother I tried to please at all times, not seeing realizing and understanding that it would be impossible for me to please a character I have created within me using the worst pieces of my relationship with my mother and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this Inner Mother to support my ideas and beliefs about my real mother as being 'bad' as I could bend my own created mother character to take the most despicable stands in my life and then believe that is what my mother would do, given a chance, when in fact I have proved over and over again to myself that the only reason my mother still surprises me is because she refuses to match my own Cruella De Ville fantasy character and she has proved to be way more reasonable than the character I created and kept alive <br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up memories between my real interactions with my mother and my imaginary interactions with the self created mother inside of me until I can always prove that I am right, that I have a point and within this for not giving myself the opportunity to get to know my mother for real, giving her a chance to step out of my imagination to become a physical living being, not giving to her what I am seeking for myself, to stop being puppeettered by myself and others so I can start becoming a real flesh human being and within this I forgive myself for not having given what I want for myself, a life, life as a breathing living being - to my mother and to myself, equal and one<br />
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I commit myself to, if and when a feeling of suffocation, being suffocated, constricted, oppressed comes up in my solar plexus, to stop, breathe, see what it is that has moved energies within me, take responsibility for it and release it through self forgiveness without blaming it on anyone else and in the specific, without blaming it on my mother<br />
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I commit myself to release the Inner Mother I have created within and as myself by letting go all of the unpleasant memories that I have stored to design this character in a Cruella De Ville-ish way to prove that I was always right and my mother always wrong - which allowed me to justify my emotional upheavels for which I now commit myself to become response-able and direct them to a correction<br />
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I commit myself to, if and when a point of friction comes up between me and my mother, to stop myself from going and playing it out in my mind first to check what my internal fictional Mother would say or do in an attempt to not be surprised and to be in control of my emotions and feelings outcomes, instead I can stop, breathe and communicate with my mother in the real physical world what it is that bothers me and how can we find together a solution that works for both<br />
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I commit myself to, if and when my mother should go off the rocket to stop and breathe, to not pick and choose what I will store of what she says to later use against her but to understand it's just an energetic blow up that I don't need to take personally and that doesn't define me in any way - so that I can be a safe space for her to let loose when she can't contain her energetic build up anymore - without being affected by it in any way<br />
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I commit myself to for-give to myself and my mother a chance at starting a real relationship based on communication in the present moment about present things and to always seek solutions and not friction in our interaction, fixing this one relationship for good for myself and all of existence, equal and one<br />
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-16884465043635293152014-10-03T03:45:00.000-07:002014-10-03T04:05:42.564-07:00Day 450: Going Crazy over People Who Are Late<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at A. for going 1 hour late to the appointment I made for him and within this for getting angry at myself for getting angry at him</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in my view I am absolutely right, like this point of lateness, to feel that I am entitled to get angry because it is the other person's wrong that is making me angry because if they had gone/come 'on time' I would not be angry and in this there is the proof that it's all their fault</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to point out how the story unfolded and how I was so clear about 'tell me a time, anytime you want but then stick to it, please' and because of this I was more than entitled to go berserk because I perceived this 'going late' as 'being taken for a ride', as having lost importance, value because I have invested value in the point of 'people being on time to prove that they value me'</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that any value invested outside of myself makes me fragile, brittle as my value depends on what someone else does and on how they perceive things as important or unimportant and within this for having accepted and allowed myself to invest value in 'being on time' both as me being on time and others being on time</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother telling me to 'always be on time' because she had been traumatized by the only delay her father had in her life that turned into tragedy when they received the news he had been found dead with his bicycle in a ditch and within this for imprinting the message 'if you care about me you would never be late' as myself to live out with others</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother telling me 'if he cares about you he would not have made you wait' at which moment I felt ashamed because I had been kept waiting proving to others that the boy I was seeing did not care about me and within this for accepting and allowing that moment of shame to be tied into people being late as my loss of value</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not caring about me because 'they were/are late' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am just projecting this lack of care I have for myself to sort out this issue of 'caring for myself' onto others and this is one point where I can use this projection effectively because it was done to me by someone who 'loved me' and thus I can do it to others</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always like 'being on time' within a feeling of stress in fear that if I let someone down and I am late than they will think 'she doesn't care about me' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this 'being late' point is my own creation whichever way I play it out and within this for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that don't feel the same stress about 'being on time' because it seems unfair that I should be the only one going through this at both end instead of addressing the 'being on time point ' to its solution within me and not expecting others to live out my same patterns so I can normalize them instead</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated last night when I played out this whole scenario again and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that all the thoughts that followed such as 'it's useless, I will never change or enough, I want out of process because it's not working' were all excuses that I used to justify why I was still reacting about a point that I saw clearly some time ago and within this for not supporting myself to sort out the 'being on time' point because too much time had gone by from when I saw this point and hence it would be useless, hopeless, worthless to be addressed in detail because 'I had missed the boat'</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put value on time because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'time is money' and within this statement accept all the outflow consequences such as irritation and impatience when someone uses up my time, that I had not set aside to give unconditionally, in exchange for nothing, wasting my time, wasting it because it was in no way monetized and within this for having accepted and allowed my whole life to be monetized for my time instead of questioning this construct that we accept and live out everyday as if it were 'normal' and the 'way things are'</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to cut out of my life the people who are never 'on time', seeing them as a waste and within this for valuing more those that can be 'on time' compared to those that can't be on time, instead of simply directing the point in a way that works for all, such as not expecting those that have not sorted out their relationship with time management to be on time and to use that point to define my value or their level of 'caring'</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel that if I do not react to those 'abusers' who are always late, who waste my time, who don't respect me or care about me than I am deserving the 'abuse' and as such I must react and tell them off so they know where I stand </div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'not being on time' as abuse and for then reacting to my own definition of 'not being on time' blaming it on another and feeling weak if I didn't stand up for myself in anger instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one abusing myself through an energetic reaction and by not be willing to let go of this definition of myself because I believed that 'this is who I am' vs seeing this is who I came to believe I was based on memories and my own self definitions of an external event that I can change by no longer accepting myself to be defined by it</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as uncaring and inconsiderate whenever I have been late and for fearing this judgement of myself about myself and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was inconsiderate and uncaring in general by extending this definition of myself to spill over other parts of my life by telling myself 'you don't care about anybody' fuelling this idea about myself through one single point relative to being 'on time' -or else- instead of changing my definition of what 'being on time' means, which is just to - possibly, all things considered - meet at an agreed time and that not doing so doesn't define me, nor others, nor my relationship for the better or worse</div>
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When, as and if I see myself becoming irritated about the 'being on time' point, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have walked this point to remove the blame for others about how I feel within it and immediately take responsibility for this point, breathe, stabilize myself, remind myself it's not personal nor it defines me and move on</div>
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When and as I see myself wanting to bring up all other times when someone was late, wasted my time, was, in my opinion, uncaring and inconsiderate, to prove my case, I stop, breathe, see what is the negative experience I am accessing and release myself from it through self forgiveness and physical self corrective application by not giving in to it nor normalizing it in any way</div>
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I commit myself to stop reacting to people not being 'on time', to not take it personally and to not let such a point define who I am nor my worth and value in any way any more.</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-40854253371974591872014-09-22T14:43:00.002-07:002014-09-22T14:45:42.554-07:00Day 449: Rejecting the Positive while Still Afraid of the Negative<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2EgG2PhR_sEuYnMX_uzW43fVVDdZxXlA_WT0Ka331DLiVjuNqtdYWuHe8u7veQSC8SQFcp0mBnQX4tfIPaRAo8PocC9eZF9_34zhOvUedWA7ABxzTIA__IOlXzAR-AyWYD82GD97Tj3M/s1600/negative+and+positive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2EgG2PhR_sEuYnMX_uzW43fVVDdZxXlA_WT0Ka331DLiVjuNqtdYWuHe8u7veQSC8SQFcp0mBnQX4tfIPaRAo8PocC9eZF9_34zhOvUedWA7ABxzTIA__IOlXzAR-AyWYD82GD97Tj3M/s1600/negative+and+positive.jpg" height="318" width="320" /></a></div>
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Today reading the writings of a friend I realized this point, I had been told to investigate the 'positive thinking' for myself as I had lived so much this doctrine I had physically become it, but when I met Desteni and I understood Positivity as just one of the polarities we live and play out, I just rejected it, trying to create a buffer between myself and it, basically between me and myself.</div>
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Did that work? No</div>
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On top of this, having rejected the negative for many years diligently, the fear of the negative staid with and as me, so much so that some days I feel as if I have no place to be, stuck between not wanting to be positive and rejecting negativity without clearing myself from my judgements of what is negative, I end up living in a sliver of existence carved out between the two.</div>
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So, here I will share my SF for my participation as the rejection of the positive and the fear of the negative experience of myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in fear the first time someone told me 'positivity and positive thinking, you have become it', because I was aware that I did not understand in full the implications of this statement and hence I did not know how to move with it to correct myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reject anything that I see as positive, positive thinking, positive projected outcomes believing that if I could distance myself enough from positivity I would have it sorted out, forgetting the point 'you have become it' that I should have dealt with, positivity as myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being glad about an outcome or a potential outcome as 'positive' and within this for rejecting the idea of an outcome that may work for myself and others as something not desirable, not to be desired because positive instead of correcting my energetic label about it and see the outcome for what it is, just best for me or best for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that since 'I had become it', meaning the very polarity construct of someone seeking the positive, I could balance it out seeking the negative as in what I have defined as negative, calling it 'realism' while in the process missing out the point that I was still in full polarization but just on the other side of the swing</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that you are either positive or negative at the core and that there is nothing in between and within this belief for seeking how to live in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/up-and-down-back-and-forth-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-21" target="_blank">a tiny space between negativity and positivity</a>, trying to not make waves, not enjoy myself too much (positive) and nor to embrace the world for what it is because it's too sad (negative), finding myself paralyzed at times inside a space that didn't allow myself to see clearly the outcome of a point as I was too busy not being positive and not moving into the negative - to even exist</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still reject at a physical level any experience of negativity, for reacting to it and for then forcing myself into it as a way to prove to myself that I can be negative because 'I have not become positivity itself' instead of looking at how I have polarized my words and my world and freeing myself from my own definitions so I can start emerging as myself wherever I am</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define positive the following things, feeling good, having good relationships, making money, having a good life, being involved in the world at a certain level and not just surviving, being good looking and fit and for charging these expressions of myself with a positive energetic experience so much so that when I rejected positivity I moved to reject all the experiences I had myself labeled as positive, cutting myself out from reaching my utmost potential in any way</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I reacted to posting the Principled Life Commitments that I know I want to walk with my group, I was afraid that I could not reach my utmost potential because all my potential was locked into polarized self definitions one way or another (positive or negative) that I would have to unlock before I would be able to access it as self expression and it seemed too daunting to even consider it</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people that I define as negative because they touch upon subjects that I have defined as negative or they have an attitude that I have defined as ass-holish and as such, negative, and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am reacting to the self defined energetic content of my own definitions within <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-how-we-became-the-mind-s-foundation-part-31" target="_blank">myself as the mind</a> because by defining negativity as negative, I tend to hop and skip through it whenever I face the experience I defined as 'negativity', its causes and its source, to be done with the experience that I fear as quick as I can, instead of addressing the source point and letting it go by releasing the energetic content and then redefining the label, the word in a self supportive way</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a self defined negative event occurs in my life, such as a fight with my mother, to perceive myself as diminished for participating in a negative event, instead of removing my judgement of the event, the fear of the 'negative' label as to empower myself to see what happened for real and make the required corrections</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how much I was missing out <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/up-and-down-back-and-forth-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-21" target="_blank">stuck between two polarities</a> that I came to believe to be 'evil', living in a constant state of friction within and as myself instead of, when an event takes place, breathe, look at any possible energetic label that exists in and as me relative to the event, release the energetic content and assess what I can do to move myself out of it and find a solution that works for all</div>
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When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by the perception of being squeezed into a tiny spot, I stop, breathe, look at what I am holding a judgement about within a polarity mindset, release the energetic content in both directions and see how I can move myself from where I am into stability through breathing while I look for the reasons why I am accessing that specific experience so I can correct myself</div>
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When and as I see myself trying to assess in automatic if something is positive or negative through how I feel about an event, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that nothing is positive or negative unless it is seen through the limiting eyes of myself as the mind and that I can always find a solution for moving myself out of where I am by removing the energetic definitions of any event and move to look for the common sense practical solution within it</div>
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When and as I see myself perceiving myself as lost unless I define something automaticaly within polarity so as to know where to stand, which at this moment has become pretty much nowhere as I squeeze myself in between two impossible, refused charges, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have seen the point of what I do and look for the energetic charges either positive or negative or both that are generating this experience of myself as stuck between a rock and a hard place and correct myself</div>
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I commit myself to stop existing as an energy puppet and to reclaim my sovereignty over myself, my life and my own decisions beyond polarities of negative and positive or bad and good by investigating where are the labels, the charges I have submitted myself to that constrict me into a specific stance and to move to removing them with self forgiveness and self corrective application, one by one, until it's done</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-58798213590311793132014-09-09T16:23:00.001-07:002014-09-09T16:30:25.844-07:00Day 446: The Various Dimensions of Name Calling<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://image.spreadshirt.com/image-server/v1/compositions/17177410/views/1,width=280,height=280,appearanceId=2.png/warning-assholes-are-closer-than-they-appear_design.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://image.spreadshirt.com/image-server/v1/compositions/17177410/views/1,width=280,height=280,appearanceId=2.png/warning-assholes-are-closer-than-they-appear_design.png" /></a></div>
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Do assholes exist? Asshole has been one of my favourite curse words, what I realized yesterday is that name calling of any kind, and that includes any name we use to justify WHY we react to someone so it can be stupid, ignorant, selfish, arrogant, self centered etc, is in fact <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/blame-the-hidden-nature-atlanteans-part-184" target="_blank">Hidden Blame</a>.</div>
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So I will walk my self forgiveness to bring up on paper how I established this pattern, specifically with my mother and how to release myself from it.</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are people deserving of a label that absolves me from my responsibility of looking at why and how I reacted in a specific moment, placing the blame on them for 'who and how they are' which I make into a fact within my mind, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just a perception that I use/used to justify why I was right in reacting to them because they 'were wrong' and I was right</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this habit of coming to the desire to call my mother names stems from childhood, when I felt impotent and a victim to her behavior that I perceived as abusive, because when she used specific words and tones I would react and hence made her the source of my experience of myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the only one creating the experience of myself through my own participation in backchat, thoughts and the resulting emotions and she was just the one on which I projected the blame for it</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always dream of a time when I would not live close to my mother and within this dream, not see realize and understand that I blamed her for my own experience of myself believing that if I did not have to be subjected to her presence and her unstoppable need to provide opinions as facts about me and my life then I would be free and within this for jailing myself into whatever experience arose in me when in the company of my mother instead of applying myself to free myself from this idea/belief so it would not matter where I lived and what she said about me and my life at any given time</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take what my mother says personally instead of seeing it as just her own experience of me and her own judgements as a Mind and using what she says as a guideline to my own suppressions and reactive points if and when I see myself react in any way</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not look in specificity at moments in which I either wanted to call my mother an asshole or did call her an asshole because it was easier to blame her for my reaction than looking at the core point behind it and correcting myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive people that want to lay their experience and projections on me and come up with all sorts of assumptions about me and my life and the people within it, as assholes instead of looking at what exactly made me react within what they said and in this case for blaming my mother for saying out loud what I had thought about my ex boyfriend anyway that I made OK in my thoughts because 'I am entitled to my own opinion' and then blaming her for her belief that 'she is entitled to her opinion' just because her opinion is about me</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that she is really an asshole for saying 'I will drive how the fuck I want' when I told her to drive carefully when she decided suddenly to leave, instead of spending the night together as we planned and that I was therefore justified in just saying 'what I thought about her/give her a piece of my mind', instead of looking at the point in self honesty that I had already started accumulating reactions while she was expressing what I deemed as an uncalled-for opinion and that I was just waiting for a point when I could act out my reactions within an excuse that made it ok</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother for always expressing opinions I did not ask for instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I have expressed opinions in my life that I have not been asked for because I held on to my 'right to have my own opinion' about something or somebody and to express it even when I saw that it was escalating into friction and conflict and that I would not be able to direct the outcome if I allowed it to blow out of proportion -just so I could stick to my right to have my own opinion about something or someone while valuing myself as the mind more than stopping friction and conflict with someone on the spot</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that my ex boyfriend was a free loader and did not contribute as much as he could have to our household but did not take the time to defuse that 'opinion' about him which was just an assumption with no undeniable foundation in physical reality, leaving a sore point open for when someone would express their opinion about it and then believing my reaction was about it and not about my own opinion of what went on that I had not taken the time to walk through, forgive and let go</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid and taken advantage of when my mother said what I had thought out loud and for wanting to give her my opinion about the fact that she was maybe projecting her own relationships on me, so that she would stop being so high and mighty and righteous instead of considering that if I shared a similar experience with my mother or a similar perception of an experience with men as the one of my mother, maybe it was worth looking into it because as we know, we repeat patterns, not necessarily in the physical but for sure patterns of interpretation and assumptions about situations and people we come in contact with in our lives</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'she will get down from her high horse and next time if she doesn't want to be called an asshole she can think twice about expressing her unrequested opinion', making myself right and her wrong and holding on to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-self-support-atlanteans-part-176" target="_blank">spite </a>as a way to not have to do anything to walk through the consequences of my stance, no matter what she did or said prior to me saying what I did in an attempt to blame my reactions on her</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking personally what someone expresses is a limitation of myself and my ability to hear what another may contribute to my process and that however they contribute it, be it spitefully or within a projection, according to my perception, I can still walk the point by using the clue they have given me if I don't make it personal but just a mind point, that I can identify through a reaction, to direct to a solution within myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to listening to older people, elders, parents and relatives whose lives are clearly fucked up and hence I decided they have nothing of value to contribute to anyone if not the example of what not to do and what not to be and within this for limiting how and from where I can get clues about my mind and my inner workings as I stated that only those that I can see live an example of what they are trying to point out to me, and that would make just about 10 (or less) people in the world, can do so, instead of opening up to anything and anyone as a stairway to my own awareness by looking inside for my own reactions to what is offered, no matter by whom and how it is offered </div>
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When and as I see myself wanting to speak words that are hiding the blame of how I feel and projecting it onto another, I stop, breathe, touch my hands to bring myself back into the physical and to not give in to the feeling that I am missing out/losing on a great opportunity to call someone an asshole or any other name but to see, realize and understand that I am energetically possessed, even if it doesn't seem so as in a clear energetic reaction I have learnt to decode so far and that I must refrain from speaking while I am reacting at all costs - using any tool I have learnt to create a space to allow myself to investigate the moment and not give into it in automatic preprogrammed behavior - just because this is how I used to deal with such moments in the past</div>
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I commit myself to, when I see myself jumping to the thought 'so and so is an asshole, ignorant, arrogant, clueless, evil etc', to forgive my thoughts before I reach for excuses and justifications to why I am entitled to think such thoughts about someone and to then look for the trigger that activated in me the desire to call them names in abdication of my own self responsibility for how I experience myself in and as the mind</div>
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I commit myself to when and as I see the word coming up to be spoken automatically to stop, breathe, do not allow myself to speak it but remind myself that I am obviously possessed by the desire to blame another and by some <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/personality-activation-quantum-mind-self-awareness" target="_blank">personality systems</a> that I have designed to justify the blame in the process and instead I make the time to go writing down what has been going on within me to defuse my reactions and seek how to redirect my thoughts and emotions in self support to a solution</div>
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I commit myself to remind myself that there is no way that giving in to name calling, inside or outside of myself, can support another one and equal as me and to not give in to this habit, no matter how enticing the trigger seems but to use the moment as a clue that something is happening inside of me and must be addressed before I participate further with another in a reactive unsupportive way</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-1882502854340261032014-07-21T09:25:00.000-07:002014-07-21T09:25:09.079-07:00Day 436: Suppressing In Fear of Expressing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-resistance-self-belief-reptilians-part-236" target="_blank">suppression </a>to sweep what I perceive as negative emotions/negative experience/negative perceptions of myself under a rug, separating myself from the moment in which I could instead stand up within myself and address it to a solution</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept to deal with <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-to-stop-suppressing-kryon-my-existential-history" target="_blank">suppressed</a> points only when the experience becomes too uncomfortable to handle as in physical pain and within this for feeling angry and living one and equal to the anger I feel when physical pain manifests in my body as a result of my own participation in suppression and my wanting to separate from parts of myself I don't want to deal with</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at what comes up within me because I fear my own judgement of not walking process effectively, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it is in the suppression that I become ineffective and not in the unconditional acceptance of what comes up within me so I can change it and change my relatonship to it once and for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/suppressing-thoughts-practical-support-reptilians-part-235" target="_blank">supress thoughts</a> and beliefs about myself which are not supportive such as 'I am not good enough' or 'nobody loves me' because I feared dealing with the experience they bring up inside of me that can go to anything from self loathing to bulimia and within this for not supporting myself to delete the thoughts and beliefs I have participated in because I believe they were really who I am and I was one and equal to them</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I can't still be dealing with this' attempting to put a time frame on my process and how I 'should have walked it', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one determining how I walk it and what I can take on and it is a matter of pushing my perception of the 'I can't deal with this' moments in my day until I can deal with them all equally</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated when someone tells me that 'I just have to bring it back to myself' or that 'I have not yet taken responsibility for something', blaming them for the irritation I feel instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in that moment irritated at myself because the process I am to walk is clear and hearing what I have to do when I know what I have to do makes me irritated with myself for having dealt with something in suppression instead than dealing with something as the self directive principle of myself to change the relationship I had created in the past to a thought to defuse the thought of any emotional content, to empty the tought of the parts of myself I had invested into it and deleting the thought once and for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I acceptedand allowed myself to deal with relationship issues through supression because I thought 'I am not going to walk this AGAIN', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if I am walking it again, I have just timelooped into the same experience because I had not directed it from the past into the present into a solution, where I rewrote the script for myself to make sure I did not have to deal with the same stuff again but sort it out in writing and self forgiveness to prevent myself from having to live it out again in the physical to prompt myself into a correction of course</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to embrace suppression as an effective tool for dealing with my stuff as I proved through my living, my choices of drugs and mind altering substances, always in the direction of suppression, in fear that I could become like my mother and over express, over analize, becoming overwhelmingly emotional instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mum could not deal with her emotions because she didn't have the tools I have and that analizing or expressing what is really going on within me doesn't mean I will walk her same path but that I give myself a chance to not become emotional as I sort out my issues one by one at the source through directing them to a solution beyond polarity</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind rides because I never knew where I would end up instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the purpose of this process is to map my mind so as to always know where I will end if I take a specific ride, because I have identified the signs clearly and within this for accepting and allowing myself to make myself less than my mind in fear that I could not control my way through it instead of seeing realizing and understanding it is just a process of patience to come to know myself inside and out until the mind mapping will be complete and I will be able to navigate it fearlessly at any given time</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress extensive anger for the creators of this existence because it seemed unbecoming to feel such rage at every new discovery of what else they did to make sure we never got out of this maze, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have equally participated in this mess by accepting and allowing myself to engage in this creation and that the rage I feel is a projection of blame for everything that doesn't work inside of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it doesn't matter what has been and who did what, but only the solutions we can find out of this to return life to the physical and recreate what it should always have been in self responsibility, honoring ourselves and each other equally to create a world we ca be proud of</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that suppression is just a time delay mechanism I have set in place, where I allow things to fester to a point where I can't let them go anymore and that I would make my life so much easier if I addressed each point that comes up in the moment to prevent accumulation and the sense of uselessness I had to face in the past when things to deal with seemed to have become too much, too many, to be spread in too many directions while I could have handled them much more easily if I had dealt with them all, one by one, as they came up</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the word 'responsibility' as in 'fault' and for having associated the word 'responsibility' with 'fault', so that when anyone brings up the point of 'it's your responsibility' I react as if I have been blamed, as if I have done something wrong, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what they mean to underline is the opportunity, is the fact that I have the response-ability to deal with the specific point that came up and see how I can find the solution within it that works for myself and others equally and walk the point to a solution</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energies in my solar plexus and in my body to a point that it almost felt normal to live with such 'charge' and within this for accepting and allowing myself to turn my body into an energetic facility where I keep manufacturing energy from friction and internal conflicts ending up believing that once I am charged, I have to suppress or I could blow up like my mother used to do and within this for living in fear of this charged body and the pains that manifest within and as it because I took pain as consequence as fault as something to blame myself for, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding pain as a point of support, to show myself which systems I can address next and to test if I have addressed that specific system to a solution as I defuse the pain with self forgiveness and the applications of the tools I have learnt</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical pains as a sign that I am not walking my process effectively , which leads to my desire for suppression because I don't see any other way out of it, instead of asking for support from others who can see more than what I can see at the moment to address those pains and walk myself out of them</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear some of the inexplicable pains I feel in my body for which I lack a frame of reference, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can work to develop a frame of reference to map out my pains the same way I am doing for my mind as I have seen, realized and understood that most fears come from not knowing what is going on within and without me and within this for having supressed myself from searching for physical solutions because I judged seeking physical solutions as a sign of having failed in my process or I would not need a physical solution in the first place</div>
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When and as I see myself suppressing, about to suppress, wanting to suppress a thought or an emotion or an experience that I have judged as 'negative', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am facing my own self created definition of a thought/emotion or experience and that I need to stop, redefine my experience in the moment by looking at it, unraveling its content and then forgiving it, committing to live new statements and definitions of and as myself that are supportive and not damaging/unsupportive</div>
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When and as I see myself attempting to suppress a moment I am sharing with another because I am aware I am reacting, I stop, breathe, tell myself and if possible the other that I have to get back to them on that specific point, commit to not suppress myself but to sort myself out and readdress the point when I am no longer reactive</div>
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When and as I see myself about to wave something away, I flag the moment to become aware that I am wanting/trying to suppress something I have judged as 'inappropriate/negative' make myself aware about the point I am wanting or desiring to suppress away and deal with it in writing using <a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">the tools I have learnt</a> to support myself into a solution</div>
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I commit myself to walk the path that is required to teach myself to stop suppressing myself, to see the points coming up, to breathe instead of suppressing and to change the points of suppressions or attempts to suppress into points of self support and self intimacy and unconditional self acceptance of myself and the process I am walking out of myself as the Mind into Awareness, for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-17925183569808658502014-07-16T13:13:00.000-07:002014-07-19T06:08:02.151-07:00Day 435: Deleting the 'Mean' from the 'Meaning of Consequence'<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://well2day.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/consequences.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://well2day.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/consequences.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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This is a follow up to my Post The Meaning in Consequence - link at the bottom.</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-internal-battle-with-pleasing-others" target="_blank">consequences as punishment, as required atonement</a>, as someone else's idea of what I had to endure for what I had done, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that consequence just means an accumulation of a series of events that lead to a specific result</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/facing-consequences-process-of-change-reptilians-part-161" target="_blank">consequences </a>for others when I believed they were getting out of a situation without 'footing the bill', because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that consequence meant a debt that was created and had to be repaid by myself or another, either through negative emotions or by public exposure</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did not put someone through their 'consequences' they would never 'learn' what they did and within this for filing a memory of my step grandmother rubbing the face of her puppies in their pee, so they would learn through 'consequences' that they should not pee around the house again</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child, think and plot about how I could create consequences for my little cousin who I perceived was loved and always considered, while I perceived myself to not have part in the same experience in my home, by throwing his toys down the balcony and then blaming him so he may have 'to face consequences' as punishment, like I did all the time</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'he/she/they should not get away with this so lightly' and for wishing the punishment of people that I perceived had done something wrong, instead of questioning why we were trapped in a cycle of punishments for our miss-takes vs creating support to correct ourselves</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges as a way to bring about 'punishment' as 'consequence' for people I interacted with that I perceived did something wrong, because I feared that if I didn't they would walk all over me and they would not respect me as someone they shouldn't be messing with</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recreate the same pattern over and over again, without questioning it, with my mum because I made her the cause of this pattern in my mind and within this made her the one that should take back what she dished out to me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, no parents is born with a manual and they will repeat the mistakes of those that went before them until someone breaks the chain and stops the patterns in their tracks</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and live one and equal to that anger when I saw someone unwilling to live through the consequences I felt entitled to dish out for them, because it seemed unfair to me that I walked through consequences as punishment, as the guillotine, self inflicted by myself every time I made a mistake, using negative emotions as a form of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-victim-of-judgment" target="_blank">punishment </a>and leverage of my mistakes and within this for wanting others to do the same, to not skip gingerly the step of discomfort to move on to a solution without the 'atoning part' as in 'punishment' and within this for binding myself and others to punishment instead of the required support to see and correct our mistakes, without using negative emotions or positive feelings to move out of them but simply assessing reality, the potential damage and the correction required to be implemented in the moment to allow everyone, included myself to correct ourselves and move on</div>
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When and as I see myself about to judge someone/something so I can assess if what is happening is right or wrong according to my own ideas/beliefs/expectations or moral stance, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have no clue about what another is going through and why they are taking a specific stance and if I still see they made a miss-take, I check to make sure I am not reactive or embodying a specific personality and then, only then, if I can, move to assist another as myself in and as support</div>
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When and as I see myself about to engage the 'consequence construct', I stop, breathe, see in myself how I have scripted out my Sf and correction, look for points I may have missed if I feel the grip of the construct still has a hold on me and continue to investigate it and purify it until I stand absolute as support and not as a vigilante of my own and other people's actions</div>
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When and as I see myself projecting on another possible motives for their actions, I stop, breathe, take the projection back to myself and correct myself in the moment to not use another to take a distance from my own responsibility for the patterns I need to address and change within myself</div>
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I commit myself to design myself as a pillar of support, to delete all previous attachments I had to the word <i>consequence </i>as ideas, beliefs and memories and to walk myself into and as a punishment free-supportive stance for myself and all of existence Equal and One</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-38661294524021610152014-07-06T06:08:00.001-07:002014-07-06T06:25:38.572-07:00Day 430: The MEANing in ConSequence<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://www.themarysue.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/consequences-e1280242514165.jpeg#geekosystem" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.themarysue.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/consequences-e1280242514165.jpeg#geekosystem" height="232" width="400" /></a></div>
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(Missing blog 429 walked privately for now.) <br />
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I have already attempted this redefinition, recently though I found myself in a position where I saw clearly that I still have definitions attached to this word that do not mean what the word itself means and I act them out, which is unacceptable and not who I want to be.</div>
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Here is the dictionary definition of this word</div>
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<b><span class="hvr">1.</span> </b><span class="hvr">a</span> <span class="hvr">result</span> <span class="hvr">or</span> <span class="hvr">effect</span> <span class="hvr">of</span> <span class="hvr">some</span> <span class="hvr">previous</span> <span class="hvr">occurrence</span></div>
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<b><span class="hvr">2.</span> </b><span class="hvr">an</span> <span class="hvr">unpleasant</span> <span class="hvr">result</span> <span class="hvr">(esp</span> <span class="hvr">in</span> <span class="hvr">the</span> <span class="hvr">phrase</span> <b><span class="hvr">take</span> <span class="hvr">the</span> <span class="hvr">consequences</span></b>)</div>
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<b><span class="hvr">3.</span> </b> <span class="hvr">(Logic)</span> <span class="hvr">significance</span> <span class="hvr">or</span> <span class="hvr">importance:</span> <span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">it's</span> <span class="hvr">of</span> <span class="hvr">no</span> <span class="hvr">consequence</span></span>; <span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">a</span> <span class="hvr">man</span> <span class="hvr">of</span> <span class="hvr">consequence</span></span>. </div>
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<b><span class="hvr">4.</span> </b> <span class="hvr">(Logic)</span> <i><span class="hvr">logic</span></i> <br />
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<b><span class="hvr"> a.</span> </b><span class="hvr">a</span> <span class="hvr">conclusion</span> <span class="hvr">reached</span> <span class="hvr">by</span> <span class="hvr">reasoning</span></div>
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<b><span class="hvr">b.</span> </b><span class="hvr">the</span> <span class="hvr">conclusion</span> <span class="hvr">of</span> <span class="hvr">an</span> <span class="hvr">argument</span></div>
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<b><span class="hvr">c.</span> </b><span class="hvr">the</span> <span class="hvr">relations</span> <span class="hvr">between</span> <span class="hvr">the</span> <span class="hvr">conclusion</span> <span class="hvr">and</span> <span class="hvr">the</span> <span class="hvr">premises</span> <span class="hvr">of</span> <span class="hvr">a</span> <span class="hvr">valid</span> <span class="hvr">argument</span></div>
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<b><span class="hvr">5.</span> </b><span class="hvr">the</span> <span class="hvr">relation</span> <span class="hvr">between</span> <span class="hvr">an</span> <span class="hvr">effect</span> <span class="hvr">and</span> <span class="hvr">its</span> <span class="hvr">cause</span></div>
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<b><span class="hvr">6.</span> </b><b><span class="hvr">in</span> <span class="hvr">consequence</span> </b><span class="hvr">as</span> <span class="hvr">a</span> <span class="hvr">result</span></div>
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<a href="http://www.thefreedictionary.com/_/misc/HarperCollinsProducts.aspx?English" rel="nofollow">Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged</a> © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003</div>
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<span class="hw">con•se•quence</span><span class="pron"> (ˈkɒn sɪˌkwɛns, -kwəns) </span><br />
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<i><span class="hvr">n.</span> </i></div>
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<b> <span class="hvr">1.</span> </b> <span class="hvr">the</span> <span class="hvr">effect,</span> <span class="hvr">result,</span> <span class="hvr">or</span> <span class="hvr">outcome</span> <span class="hvr">of</span> <span class="hvr">something</span> <span class="hvr">occurring</span> <span class="hvr">earlier.</span> </div>
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<b> <span class="hvr">2.</span> </b> <span class="hvr">the</span> <span class="hvr">conclusion</span> <span class="hvr">reached</span> <span class="hvr">by</span> <span class="hvr">a</span> <span class="hvr">line</span> <span class="hvr">of</span> <span class="hvr">reasoning;</span> <span class="hvr">inference.</span> </div>
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<b> <span class="hvr">3.</span> </b> <span class="hvr">importance</span> <span class="hvr">or</span> <span class="hvr">significance:</span> <span class="illustration"> <span class="hvr">a</span> <span class="hvr">matter</span> <span class="hvr">of</span> <span class="hvr">no</span> <span class="hvr">consequence.</span></span> </div>
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<b> <span class="hvr">4.</span> </b> <span class="hvr">importance</span> <span class="hvr">in</span> <span class="hvr">rank</span> <span class="hvr">or</span> <span class="hvr">position;</span> <span class="hvr">distinction:</span> <span class="illustration"> <span class="hvr">a</span> <span class="hvr">man</span> <span class="hvr">of</span> <span class="hvr">consequence.</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">_______________________</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">When I looked this word up on the dictionary I was very surprised to not find its 'negative meaning' and wondered where did I get that, how did I place a negative charge on this word, so I looked it up in Italian and I found it has additional meanings where it is explicitly said 'effects, direct or indirect, usually of a negative nature' as in repercussions or negative result of something.</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">'</span></span><span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">Effetto diretto o indiretto, <b>spesso negativo</b>, di una situazione, vista come causa sicura o possibile: <i>questo guaio è la c. della tua leggerezza</i>; <i>se la sono cavata senza gravi conseguenze'</i> </span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">I found out as well that we lack the last meaning of this word, we cannot say 'a man of consequence' because that wouldn't mean anything in Italian and that if I clean this word out of all the rubbish, it just means effect as in cause and effect, meaning what comes after a cause in a logical sequence of events.</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">My relatives always used the word <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-future-of-consequence-part-41" target="_blank"><b>Consequence </b></a>to mean 'something negative will follow if you do this, you can't even imagine what's in store for you if you do this - meaning, what we will do to you', they used it as a threat, a warning, on occasion, when playing nice, a veiled way to say that something would be coming out of my actions and would not be good and mainly it would be coming FROM them.</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">When I was in SA and one day Leila read out loud an article on parenting about how parents were abusing this word to 'train their children through punishments they had replaced consequences with and how this screwed up in the child the whole concept of what a '<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/facing-consequences-process-of-change-reptilians-part-161" target="_blank">consequence</a>' is' - I had a blip moment and could not compute.</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">I asked her to please give me an example and she did, she read the article that said 'you can tell your children that if they write on the wall there will not be chocolate cake', and I went, yes, wouldn't that be a consequence, like if you do this - that will happen?' and she said NO, the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-time-is-consequence-part-32" target="_blank">consequence </a>is that the wall will be dirty and you will either have to live with it or clean it.</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">At the time this was a revelation in logic for me, a revolution in fact which left me quite pissed off as I pondered how many times I had been punished with the whimsical fantasies of my educators rather than shown what consequences really are, supported to see what I would have to face if I took a specific action and asked if I was willing to live out the 'obvious outsome', the con-sequence (which taking <b>con </b>as the Latin prefix meaning 'together with' it would mean the 'string of events' leading up to a specific result) and how I had attached a truckload of negative value to this word.</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">So, in a discussion with my buddy, what I saw is that I still live out this definition, that I believe that consequences are la -re -<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mise_en_place" target="_blank">mise-en-place</a> of someone who has gone off line, who has wandered out of a construct without permission and needs to be put back where they are supposed to be, put back in 'their place', obviously this treatment includes myself.</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">The way I have played out my consequences so far is by subjecting myself to self judgement as I have already written or to negative emotions, such as guilt, shame, self blame, something to remind myself that I was wrong, that I SHOULDN'T have done a specific thing and of course, as I do it to myself, I do it to others as well, when I reach a specific point of reaction something snaps into 'that's it, they should have seen it coming' meaning it's 'Their consequence, they created it for themselves' when in fact it is not, it is my punishment, consequence doesn't mean that if I am called names I have <i>carte blanche</i> to retaliate as a consequence, no, it means the other person will have to face their own self created consequences, their Dis-h-Onesty, where at a fork (H) they chose the Mind over Life and in the process they disempowered themselves a little further - and isn't that 'enough'- and should not be anything coming through a <i>vigilante </i>stance on my side as a punishment, where did I get this from, what kind of support would that be?</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">So, in my next blog I will redefine this word to something that works for myself and others because this way it's not working, this is how I have justified all the self abuse and the abuse of others as a consequence, which was a sequence yes, of my own participation in and as the mind and the living out of this word I have myself accepted and allowed to come to life in very specific ways, but it was a con as well, the con in the idea that as I have had to take con-sequences from others who themselves miss-understood this word, I could now apply to others the same punishing principle in the same way, when in fact this is not how and what this process is all about, acceptance of things as they have always been, nono, this process is about changing what I have been and done that was not aligned to the kind of world I would like to live in, even when I realize I don't yet know how to walk out of this word and my perception and embodiment of it but I will work it out as I go, as I rewrite it to break it down and turn it into a functional self supportive/supportive word for myself and all, Equal and One.</span></span></div>
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<span class="illustration"><span class="hvr">more to come </span></span></div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-86553667999111581762014-07-02T05:10:00.002-07:002014-07-02T05:10:15.645-07:00Day 426: Is this a Man's World?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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OK, so this point came up as I exchanged email with my closest male friend who still lives abroad, a point about relationships with married men and how women always seem to get the short end of the stick and I realized I have a cultural, deep seated resentment toward men, really old stuff that goes back to grandma's comments and to watching my mother lock herself in the bedroom on Sundays to wail, because her relationship was not working out.</div>
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This led me to not want to become 'that kind of woman', the victim, the abused, I would have much rathered be the abuser if I had to pick one side but to be the abuser and walk away 'being right' mountains of blame toward med had to be built and kept in place.</div>
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This is a new point that opened up for me as well in my comprehension of process about what memories really are and how comes we have always some handy to justify ourselves and our behaviours with and the nasty suspicion that it's not memories that created our characters, but that we chose the memories to support the characters we decided to embody, either out of fear or self interest or both.</div>
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This would explain the memories that we seek to justify some points about ourselves, including the hidden blame we can always project on our family line for who we have become - like 'I am a bitch because mum and dad', because sister and brother, because my husband etc. vs I'm a bitch, period. How can I change?</div>
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So, as I wrote to my friend, women hate men because..., I pretty much laid out for myself the list I will be self forgiving here below to let go these excuses I held on to, to authorize myself to abuse men as a prevention tactic, as a gender retaliation, ending up turning good men into a shadow of their former self so I could prove, beyond any reasonable doubt, that I was always right from the start and that the easy-peasy lives they enjoyed in my eyes were not deserved but just a revolting repeating gender oriented favorable happenstance.</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make the decision that I would never be abused by men, like I perceived my mother to be, without seeing, realizing and understanding that in my decision to not be this, I automatically embraced its polarity to be 'that' instead and I moved on the polarity stick from the abused to the abuser</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that men were never the cause of my mother instability but she was the cause herself and hence the blame I laid on men regarding my mother's mental health was misplaced and then justified into existence to support the righteousness of my 'men abuser' character</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I feared being like my mother, as in subject to the storms of emotions and feelings that relationships with men generated within her and that due to this fear <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/relationship-success-support-connection-personality" target="_blank">I created a distance that was impossible to close by any man I came in contact with</a>, because I feared that letting anyone too close would mean I would lose control of my emotions and feelings and within this for believing that I could ever lose control of myself because I was subjected to another gender for my unpredictable and unavoidable reactions instead of realizing I always had a choice</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons to justify this resentment toward men by seeking out singularities such as rapes, or betrayals or dishonesty of some men to then stretch these behaviors over the whole gender to the point that, when good men came into my life, I lived to find in which box of misbehavior I could place them - because they were surely mis-behaving I just needed a little time to pile up the right evidence about it, even if that meant fabricating some</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I did not trust men was because I did not trust myself that I could control myself, my thoughts, emotions and feelings and within this for blaming them in advance in case I failed to stick to the behavior/principles I would have liked to walk as myself but did not</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, say and write that women hate men because of the rapes, because of the inferior position they hold in society, because of the shit jobs they have to do, the gross jokes they have to endure, the lesser pay, the ideals they will never be able to embody like the Magdalen or the Virgin mother, between which we swing like puppets trying to fit some ideal unreachable roles designed to keep us in a position of inferiority and subordination without seeing, realizing and understanding that men were born in this world just like us while the abuse was already going on and some did not have the guts to go against the flow and be pariahed by other males who embraced their 'superior' role</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe 'it's a man's world' and within this for <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/relationship-success-support-jealousy-personality-part-3" target="_blank">feeling jealous</a> for not holding the same potential for power, envious for starting disadvantaged and within this for accepting and allowing myself to accept my powerlessness and inferior position in society just by believing this construct and validating it with my emotional experience without seeing, realizing and understanding that parts of me were invested in the very construct I loved to hate</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this world was created with 'men on top' as it is proven by all the phallic symbols as freaking obelisks pestering our planet and that they too walked into this world with roles to fill that were designed to make them feel inadequate one way or another because this world is designed to make sure many fail so some can have it all beyond any gender based considerations</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how much friction I held on to inside myself with regard to this topic which would become obvious during the ladies nights in which we spent all our time belittling men because we knew/feared they would get together and belittle us, call us whores and bitches and we wanted to play their same game, seeking the equality we aspired to in the abuse and making sure we would never be less abusive than they were so at least, somewhere, we were equal</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent men in general for my unwanted pregnancies because it did not seem fair that we shared one deed but I would be the only one left with the consequences and within this for wanting to blame them so I did not have to blame myself for not taking precautions because if they did not think about it, did not do it, neither was I required to as a matter of 'justice'</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and my body while seeking to be an equal to men in engaging in demeaning one night stands that would end up with me being the one playing the game of 'I won't call you anymore' or 'you were so irrelevant' trying to make myself feel better as I pretended to be able to play the same mind games, no matter how much they hurt me and another equally</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build up anger toward men as I grew up and watched our comic movies in which women were always represented as pretty and dumb, half naked, around men who told them 'double entendre' jokes they were too stupid to get and within this to extend to all the Italian men a contempt that existed in and as me, assuming they were all the same, before I even came to know them in person to assess in reality who and what they were all about</div>
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not acknowledge that there are men in this world who are ashamed of what goes on with the extensive debasing of women because those men did not fit the profile of the men I loved to hate and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that despising men was a woman's duty because we had to side with each other making the crime against one or some, the crimes of all that we could use to hold men in contempt and as an excuse to abuse them</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that, when I was in Asia and watched men moving away from their Caucasian wives to marry Asian women, it was not because they were weak or idiots but because they were tired and could no longer put up with the never ending fight that western women waged against them as a way to get even, not seeing, realizing and understanding that even Feminism was a Consumer prop that we have blindly ridden because, as expected, it justified the hatred already existing within us that we never questioned or sought to stop</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that all men are guilty until they prove their innocence, a condition I would not want to live out for myself and within this for subjecting another to what I would not like for myself in the name of gender grudges and righteous retaliation</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question my stance against men because it had become natural to me and specifically for not taking note even when it was obvious that there was a manipulative retaliation going on within my relationships, because I managed to keep the relationships with my male friends unaffected by these behaviors to prove I didn't hold anything against men per se but my grudges were specific and justified, when in fact I did</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be at war with half of the population of the planet, always assuming that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-sex-and-relationships-in-existence-part-5" target="_blank">they only wanted sex and using sex to manipulate them</a> and their behavior and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that women wanted sex as much as men but we rather blamed them for the desires we did not want to own up to, in fear of the labels we have associated with sexual desire and the honest expression of it</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges against men for my own desires which I projected on them so I would not have to take responsibility for myself, my thoughts and my own actions</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear relationships in case they would bring up my automated men bashing behaviors and within this for not addressing this point before but instead making another victim on the way in the hope to not have to confront myself and how I have lived and justified my behavior toward men</div>
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When and as I see myself having a reaction to a man during a conversation or an email exchange, I stop, breathe, look for what triggered that reaction within me, seek the point where I felt diminished, discounted, belittled and apply self forgiveness on the point to stop blaming another gender for my own self created experience of and as myself</div>
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When and as I see myself wanting to reply spitefully, ironically or sarcastically to a man, all signs that I am reacting to our interaction, I stop, breathe, look for the points that I am using to try and allow myself to be rightful about what I was intending to do and in one breath, refuse to accept to play my own self programmed role as a men basher</div>
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When and as I see myself thinking or about to think in judgement about what I perceive as a hateful comment a man made about a woman/women for the right retaliatory answer, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am not aware of what is going on in this man's world or mind and that I cannot assess clearly yet if my perception is even valid, so I stop, breathe, commit myself to investigate my perceptions to defuse any and every reactions I find in them and to walk my correction about men until I can stand with them as an Equal</div>
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I commit myself to no longer BeLieve that men have it easier than we do and when they obviously do, to see, realize and understand that being a man, a woman, part of the Elite or of the poor was just part of this Life roulette we have accepted and allowed into existence, and as I seek my own forgiveness for the part I have played, so I have to give it unconditionally to others until we can all stop playing our pre-programed roles and step up to becoming Life Expressions, Equal and One</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-75552187662815393672014-06-23T14:45:00.000-07:002014-06-23T14:50:59.569-07:00Day 424: Self Judgement as Elitist Self Interest<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Post 423 walked privately<br />
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Yesterday I listened to an interview of the Series <a href="https://eqafe.com/series/31-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination?page=1" target="_blank">'The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination'</a>, it was no. 12 called '<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-where-does-self-judgment-come-from-part-11" target="_blank">Where does Self judgement come from?</a>' and it was a great <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/a-knock-on-the-head-death-research-part-1" target="_blank">Knock on the Head</a> for me because it framed one of my relationship problems which I will uravel just now and made Self Judgement look and sound very <i>unglamorous </i>and totally phony.</div>
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I had already seen by myself the point in the past of 'not forgiving myself for something -because at least I don't forgive myself' which shows the extent of theMentia the Mind is willing to go to to protect self interest as energetic sources, but I had missed out on this one completely, of how Self Judgement seems to be fair game for the same reasons as in 'I am not forgiving myself -at least I was wrong but I am righteous', duh, so 'At least I criticize myself first, I don't have to wait for others to do it for me, this shows I am aware of my mistakes, hence I am good'.</div>
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The interview mentioned as well how this creates problems in relationships because I end up 'too busy judging myself and I don't have time for a relationship', to which I could add that since one fills up quite fast with self judgement, then it gets shared with another, projected outside, and so the unhappy stance I had with myself becomes the unhappy stance I have with another until I lose interest overwhelmed by guilt and blame.</div>
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So, here goes my self forgiveness because I can snap out of it, it's just a matter of being more aware of when I automatically move into self judgement to stop the automation because this is a side I have opened up recently of <i>self responsibility</i> for myself as I tried to clear the words 'taking self responsibility' to explain it to another in Italian, it means to ready oneself to step out of a specific automated mode to be finally response-able for the same event taking place in the future as one commits to not let the automatic response move faster than one's awareness but to create a gap when one can step in, in self awareness, as self awareness, to make another choice instead, a new choice, never tried before choice that considers what is best for all.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the righteousness I sought through 'judging myself' is just an energetic pay back to balance out what I believed I said, thought or did wrong, instead of stepping up to the task of correcting myself beyond any useless judgement</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I judge myself first, when others will judge me I won't have to feel the reaction to being judged instead of seeing realizing and understanding, there has always and only been me judging myself in ways that could have an impact on myself and my physical body</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself endlessly so I could believe I was a good person because <i>at least I judged myself</i></div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy and paste this behavior from my mother who was always judging herself and while I judged her for judging herself, I judged myself and within this for judging my mother for her patterns of behavior without seeing, realizing and understanding we are all copy and paste of someone who has walked before us and many don't yet have the tools to correct themselves</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when seeing others who did not judge themselves thinking 'wow, you can't even see what you are doing' and wishing they judged themselves as harshly as I judged myself so I could share the burden of this pattern and keep believing that those that are righteous but wrong will at least 'judge themselves harshly' as if that could bring about any solution instead of stopping my desire to judge myself and the desire that others judge themselves equally, so we can move on beyond judgements to correct ourselves and realign to a world that works for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this pattern of self judgement was always in the way of me having a functional relationship because I would build up self judgement picking up on 'imaginary cues' coming from my partner, ending up blaming them for all the self judgement I was experiencing inside myself instead of taking self responsability as in deciding I was going to stop that pattern that I had automated in and as me and create a new behavior that was conducive to solutions vs flagellation</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my own self judgement weighted me down as I lined up all the good reasons I had accumulated historically to judge myself and kept them handy to dust up and use when I felt the need to punish myself for who I believed I had been in thoughts, words and deeds</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I stuck to some of my 'negative' energetic rides because I felt less guilty than if I had held on to the positive ones, so I could justify myself that I was not doing it on purpose because 'who wants to feel bad', when in fact it is to see that the addiction is to 'feeling' as in generating an energetic experience and it makes no difference which side of the polarity I ride and within this for accepting and allowing myself to harm myself by accumulating self judgement that inevitably ended up in desire for self punishment through overeating, lack of exercise and a general zombification of myself which I no longer accept to participate in and as<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that many of my self punishing behaviors stemmed from this practice of 'self judgement' and lack of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-self-image-and-acceptance-part-7" target="_blank">self acceptance</a> and that I would use self punishment to square the books instead of correcting myself so that I would no longer have to face the dis-appointment of myself as directive principle of my internal and external world</div>
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When and as I see myself about to judge myself, desiring to judge myself, looking for ammos I can use to blackmail myself into self judgement, I stop, breathe, bring up to mind the interview I heard deeply and tell myself that I am aware of what I'm trying to do and that I have committed to no longer allow myself to exist as self judgement, breathe, stabilize myself and keep walking<br />
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I commit myself to apply myself until this pattern is completely resolved within me and to refuse to engage self judgement as a way to generate energy and feel 'alive'</div>
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I commit myself to see, realize and understand that self judgement is self abuse and that I cannot participate in self abuse while wanting the abuse of this world to end and within this I commit myself to keep correcting myself from self judgement to self forgiveness in the moment and the application of self correction to become part of the solution and stop existing as part of the problem</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-11503479080148378532014-06-19T17:24:00.001-07:002014-06-20T04:24:23.167-07:00Day 421: Virtual Relationships<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://quotes.lifehack.org/media/quotes/quote-Zygmunt-Bauman-unlike-real-relationships-virtual-relationships-are-easy-172871.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://quotes.lifehack.org/media/quotes/quote-Zygmunt-Bauman-unlike-real-relationships-virtual-relationships-are-easy-172871.png" height="222" width="320" /></a></div>
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I have just finished watching <a href="http://putlocker.is/watch-her-online-free-putlocker.html" target="_blank">the movie 'HER'</a>, which I highly recommend.</div>
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I found it both sad and enlightening about how I have lived my own <a href="https://eqafe.com/series/27-relationship-success-support" target="_blank">relationships </a>and still tend to do - in my head and not applied in the physical world.</div>
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What's worse is that I did not improve with time, yet, I got worse, more distracted, more withdrawn, always resenting having to give up my 'me' time to put it into creating something real.</div>
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So sad memories about my marriage and my last relationship popped up and I am now writing to release them.</div>
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<a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to</a> hold on to sad memories of my marriage as a way to punish myself and within this for making my memories instrumental to support specific emotions of sadness I want to feel entitled to</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel unbalanced by the potential 'return' of A. because I believe I cannot contextualize this specific relationship in this moment in my life and within this for feeling already burdened, weighed down, heavy at the idea of having to walk a real relationship in the physical world</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attempt to brush my emotions under the carpet and not look at them because they seem to have roots everywhere in my life and within this for feeling overwhelmed by the task of having to address the point of relationships to a solution within myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing better than suppression because I still hold on to the memory of the alternative I witnessed while growing up, which was to go crazy and be all over the place like my mother did, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am already unstable and all over the place and that my suppression leads to the exact behavior I did not want to repeat which is to blow up when I can't contain it all anymore</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time thinking about what will I say to A. if he calls, what will I reply, what will I do, instead of stopping, breathing and go on with my life trusting that I can address anything in self honesty in the moment when a point comes up and I need to direct it</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry at the idea that I might cave in to have a relationship or deny myself a relationship in fear and within this for seeking good reason as in faulty points in another as a deterrent to not do that instead of assessing the situation when the time will come and direct it to a solution that is best for all - which I don't yet know what it will be and if it will be and so it is useless spending my time this way instead of keep on walking my life and my process</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not prepare all my speeches, all my possible replies to every possible input I may be taken by surprise and end up acting out automatically one of my relationship's pattern and within this for believing that I am unable to change and overcome my weaknesses and limitation even though I proved to myself that I was able to do that in other aspects of my life and relationships are nothing different, just another point of patterning that I can release and rewrite to a solution that works for all, even if it may require a longer, more specific application</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety and to store anxiety in my solar plexus regarding my process and its incompatibility with relationships and within this for fearing that I may call him just because I want some company creating further unnecessary confusion for both</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to live out virtual relationships vs real ones because I don't want to be bothered by having to face all the triggers/reactions/annoyances that I perceive exist within a real relationship without seeing, realizing and understanding that if I stick to my commitment to be a self responsible human being I can take responsibility for everything that happens inside of myself and not project it outside on another or onto something like a relationship and I can instead seize the opportunity to correct myself to create myself as a being that can live anywhere with anyone within the principle of what is best for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I would rather have <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-your-fantasies-are-doing-to-you-the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-part-41" target="_blank">virtual relationships</a> than real ones is because I do not like what I see of myself when I am in a relationship and within this for fearing to face myself in the mirror of a real relationship instead of stopping all self judgement which is the cause of the fear I have to face myself and the self judgement that will follow and just work to change what I can't live with into what I can live with and be proud of</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I make a change within a relationship immediately doubt myself, immediately tell myself 'you are fake, you are faking' so that I make sure I never develop self trust and trust myself that my change may feel awkward because it's just a new behavior and I do not yet stand as it completely and within this for accepting and allowing <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/your-mind-played-a-trick-on-you-quantum-systemization-part-49" target="_blank">myself as the mind</a> to tell me I am fake and I cannot be trusted as a way to create further friction within myself that leads to my desire to give it all up</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that 'giving up, is just another design, it's a fail safe system to make sure I do not stray from my preprogrammed reality and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that I could instead use the rising desire to give up as a flag for a point of transcendence that I can walk through by applying myself in writing and self corrective application</div>
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I commit myself to stop entertaining <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBEwyizJxos" target="_blank">relationships in my mind</a>, to instead breathe, walk, live and when a relationship of any kind presents itself in my physical reality to be fully present in the moment to honor, respect and consider another as would like to be considered myself.</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-68130119281264923582014-06-16T07:19:00.000-07:002014-06-16T07:19:09.561-07:00Day 419: Relationships - Bread and Butter of My Existence<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/storage/sacrifice_healthy_unhealthy_relationships.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1347115143496" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/storage/sacrifice_healthy_unhealthy_relationships.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1347115143496" height="224" width="320" /></a></div>
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I am still looking at the point of relationships, what they meant in my life and how I ended up building up very (ineffective) protection walls and pre-eventive resentment towards men who enter my life.</div>
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When I looked at this point in my life, my grandfather popped up, how his focus for me was on 'getting a good man' and most advises of him revolved around this point, yes studying was important, the job was important but the real juicy part of my life would be 'a man', so on one side I had grandfather who was all 'go for it' and my grandmother who was all 'check what you can get out of it' which could sum up my stance with men in a quite schizophrenic one, the wanting and then the resentment because it seems there is never 'enough for me' in a relationship.</div>
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In time of course as these 2 urges added up what was left of my relationship with men was a desire to dominate to make sure I don't get sucked into the first part of the equation making them all important and then the desire to get rid of them when the first part failed and I blame them for 'having tampered with my life AGAIN with little or nothing in return'.</div>
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My ex boyfriend came around a couple of nights ago and as he talked, calmly, centered about relationships in general I realized that I lived all my relationships as doomed from the start and in the process worked hard to accelerate the ending so I can get over the pull and push I feel within myself and return to 'my life'.</div>
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The point of living for 'the ending' is very strong within myself and manifests in different ways, even <i>living </i>is something I do for the ending, I yearned for the ending as a teenager, married my mind into beliefs that 'you pay death with life' and made anything that doesn't end properly a problem, even movies, nothing could be more disappointing that a movie that ends with 'we'll deal with it tomorrow', because that's not an ending, that's an half ass ending.</div>
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<a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to</a> carry within me my grandfather and grandmother as a model of living because I associated their being 'succesful' with money and having a nice house and comfortable living as knowledge about 'how to live' and imprinted myself with all sorts of beliefs that revolved around relationships and how to have a successful one, up-holding teachings coming from people who didn't have a successful relationship themselves but one made of make beliefs, lies and suppression</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that for a relationship to work which I measure in 'time' units I have to work on make beliefs, lies and suppression and within this process for going the opposite way, bringing out in the open what was going on in my mind without first taking responsibility for it and not working to blame another for how 'I felt' or how 'I perceived myself' and within this for blaming another for how I experienced myself instead of stopping, breathing, taking time to assess what was happening within me and commit to not speak until I was clear of any reaction</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/relationship-success-support-love" target="_blank">having a relationship is not 'the cherry on a cake' but the cake itself</a>, accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is nothing else of value in life but a good relationship and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that, if there is nothing else of value, that includes me and it is not possible to have a good relationship unless the two parties value themselves and the relationship equally and not one or the other more</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a man comes into my life, resent him already at the thought of how this will screw with my life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was never a man screwing with my life but myself by going into my mind in all sorts of <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-comparing-images-and-imagination-part-3" target="_blank">memories, projections, emotions and feelings</a> until I felt overwhelmed and made the man the cause and object of my frustration because 'I did not feel that way' or 'was not that way' before he came around so it must be his fault</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I connected men and problems in my life was not because they brought the problems in my life but because when a man came around I activated everything that already existed in me in relationship to men which is distrust, a sense of oppression and a desire to move swiftly to the end so we can spare each other some of the most unpleasant passages to get there</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value 'the ending' more than the journey, making my life unnecessarily hard by devaluing walking through it, the process of building myself and within this for believing that Life is hard and unfulfilling which is why we have to pay death with Life</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe Death/The ending of something must be payed for with some token like struggle, identifying in death, the end of something a moment of relief instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was my perception that endings were bringing 'relief' to myself as my mind because I removed myself from the active triggering of things that were existent within me and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the problem and the solution to my instability and perceived struggles</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the sense of oppression I felt every time a man was around was determined by how my mind would become activated with personalities, past experiences and memories that I then projected on the man at hand to make him the cause and within this for making myself unable to see that a man would come and bring an opportunity for self <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-secret-history-of-the-universe-the-origin-of-awareness-part-3" target="_blank">awareness </a>to me about what I need to correct, let go and rewrite about myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my ex boyfriend came around and he gave such a great -full of common sense speech to immediately feel a sense of loss and think 'I cannot reverse this, I have already told my mum it's over' which then skyrocketed inside of me in a sense of wanting to blame my mother for how much I still care about what she thinks and if she approves about my life or not and within this for feeling appalled at myself that I would even have such a thought at my age</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking my mother as the point of blame for me wanting her approval is the same as taking the men in my life and wanting to blame them for how I feel about myself when I am in a relationship and within this for wanting to resist my own responsibility to myself about my choices, words, thoughts, feelings and emotions because it just seems too much to deal with and within this for giving up my power to change and release myself from my past once and for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have used my mother and the men in my life to project on them the cause of my internal experiences instead of seeing where I was with clarity and make the necessary corrections as I go </div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being self honest with myself about my relationships and for having put myself through the 'I don't care, I didn't care' frame of mind to show myself that I didn't lose anything of importance, that there was no damage done for real because I didn't care in the first place, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do care, I did care and that I have done damage with my words, thoughts and deeds and within this I forgive myself for acting in an inconsiderate way toward another in a relationship, be it intimate or otherwise</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a man comes along in my life, to allow myself to be fully absorbed by thoughts, ideas and plans of what we could do together, how much fun we could have and within this for accepting and allowing myself to push myself off my point of balance, my hard worked for stability just to follow a dream, an idea, my imagination, until I lose myself into the 'what it could be' vs working for what it can be as am consistent application of myself in the physical</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the underlying resentment I feel for men that I would potentially enjoy spending time with is the hidden blame of what I am preparing to blame them (and then resent them for 'putting me in the situation of having to blame them'!) for in the future while I think, speak and act irresponsibly following ideas, memories and past programming about relationships with men and their outcome and within this for blaming others in advance for what I will think, say and do in relationship to them as time goes by instead of stopping supporting myself with breathing and correcting myself as things come up</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is only two ways to have a relationship, either full on or full off and for not seeing realizing and understanding that the only reason why I have never considered what is best for all is because this point is not present in my programming and I will have to create it as myself using the tools of self forgiveness to let the past go and self corrective application to rewrite who I want to be in a relationship/agreement next time around</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when one of my buddies said 'You must dominate the relationship not let the man do that' to have a reaction and think 'I have always done that' without seeing, realizing and understanding that this was not what that sentence implied nor what I have done so far as so far I have tried to dominate men for my self interest and not to <i>dominate </i>as in its original meaning 'to master' the relationship for myself and what is best for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the point of relationships is one of my transcendence point and one that I have used as the mind to keep throwing myself off balance and that investing time in building myself up into the strong independent woman I can be is not required only if I have a relationship but on the contrary it is required because relationships have showed me that I can be thrown off by a man or a relationship easily, an indicator that my stance is not yet absolute and this is where I need to work on</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I committed to stand in process with one back door - relationships and that I have been using others as relationships to sway and prove to myself that I can go back to old patterns in one moment instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can delete this back door inside me, not to not allow myself to live a relationship/agreement but to not allow myself to be changed/defined by a man/relationship/agreement because I have worked diligently to define myself first and to walk the definitions of myself for myself and all of existence, equal and one</div>
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I commit myself to keep investigating this point within the realization that 'relationships with men' is one of my weaknesses I have not yet fully addressed</div>
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I commit myself to walking this process and keep recommitting myself no matter how hard I believe I have fallen out of it or what my mind tells me when I fall, about how much easier it would be to not stand up anymore</div>
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I commit myself to realize that this process is the most important thing I have ever done and I am doing for myself and all of existence Equal and One and to not let anything interfere with what I know I have to do to change myself -and the world as my reflection with me </div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-62970454067276327152014-06-11T21:40:00.000-07:002014-06-11T21:42:41.338-07:00Day 417: Relationship Break Up - Get Up Neo!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhewkbAQMAN7pWZerpffcVh8k9o1i726BLwU6t7GrXLXGyU6lzkupztaWXXSL2kVSkHvrU9REEvTGfEuUwsYXrrLOXLfXnoKsrXsNpH3n6d-8aWmEYqG8fsPRK8b75TGM7xVqn79-FsY4A/s1600/wake+up+neo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhewkbAQMAN7pWZerpffcVh8k9o1i726BLwU6t7GrXLXGyU6lzkupztaWXXSL2kVSkHvrU9REEvTGfEuUwsYXrrLOXLfXnoKsrXsNpH3n6d-8aWmEYqG8fsPRK8b75TGM7xVqn79-FsY4A/s1600/wake+up+neo.jpg" height="246" width="320" /></a></div>
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I want to share my experience with my latest relationship break up.</div>
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There shouldn't be much to report because I am quite seasoned at <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-relationships-as-illusion-of-control-part-24" target="_blank">relationship </a>break ups, I had more of those than your average woman for sure but this is my first relationship break up within process and now I have tools to investigate myself and to stand up to my mind.</div>
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It did not seem so for a few weeks, I was aware that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-my-relationship-with-aloneness-part-59" target="_blank">I felt relief when he left</a>, I was aware that I never saw us grow old together no matter how hard I tried, I was aware that I had indulged in thoughts that I had not released and that were memory based on my previous experiences and not a good foundation for a sound relationship/agreement.</div>
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So as far as a few things I did not have to look too deep, the abnormal thing was why then I was sulking, oh yes, I found two points to beat myself on the head with about what 'he did' but even that should not have been enough for that 'feeling of lack of sense' like he went and took all the sense of my life with him.</div>
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My buddy tried everything to get me to stand up but I found many excuses about why I was not required to, I had the excuse of 'mourning' in my mind, a hard to believe one because how can one mourn a man that she felt relief watching leaving? Odd.</div>
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I allowed myself to go to the bottom of this, not as in 'investigating it to the core' no, to the bottom, sinking down and down into a black hole that I compounded with the mess outside, looking for more mess, more cruelty, more absurdity out there so I could justify why I didn't have the time to look inside, bigger things than me required my undivided attention, I even considered giving up process - 'what the fuck am I doing?' was a double edged sentence, it applied both to process and to leaving it for good,</div>
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My buddy said -push, look, write - but it seemed I did not know where to start.</div>
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I started from a dream, in which half of my face was battered black and blue, my right side, I saw it in a mirror while my best friend was there with me - my long lost best friend, someone I have allowed myself to believe that if she were in my life everything would be different - and that is true, I would have her unconditional support to not change, to remain the way I am and allow her to remain the way she is, this is how we bless each other in our 'systemic relationships' as we grant one another the right to fuck up our lives with each other's, unconditional, approval.</div>
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Anyway as I started to write again from that dream, at first my writing was convoluted, of course, words were coming out in compounded flows as I worked to free myself, strings that made not as much sense as they seemed to make in my mind took life on paper and then one writing led to another.</div>
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The point that came up for me was the point of self hatred, my relationship was the lid I had put on it, I wrote two long blogs about it and kept them between myself and my buddy, again it was sad for me to see how much of myself is still projected outside, to another, to the world systems, to the pedophiles, the elite, those bastards that hold creation in their hand and won't let it go - just like me.</div>
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So today I will write out the tail, what is left of this work that I have done to release myself and my ex partner from any blame so that I can stop feeling weird when he comes around and stop justifying why I have a right to feel weird because of what I perceived he did instead of realizing I feel weird about who I am, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/relationship-success-support-connection-personality" target="_blank">who I believe he thinks I am</a> and about believing that he left as a way to reject me and say I am no good, when in fact it has been me rejecting myself and wanting to give up on myself,</div>
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The white rabbit of the Matrix is the delusion that down the road there is something better, that we can get out of this matrix through someone else leading us out when the truth of the Matter is, The Only Way Out - Is Within.</div>
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<a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to</a> project on my ex partner blame for my experience of myself and for making him responsible for how I felt used and abused instead of seeing and realizing that I have used and abused this relationship as a lid to put on a pot of boiling self hatred hoping to get a ride on his 'love' out of the self hatred I felt for myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when my ex partner comes around because I fear that his presence will trigger the point of self hatred inside of me that I have compounded with thoughts like 'see, he left me, he didn't want to be with me, he used me and abused me' thoughts that I now forgive and let go instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I have just used him to access this little treasure of negative energy I held on to within myself and that he is in no way responsible for how I experience myself nor he ever was</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize and understand that it's hard to live with someone who lives self hatred as herself no matter what she projects outside and that it was a good decision he made to leave even though he could not put into words why he wanted to remove himself from this situation because he saw himself as part of the problem, as part of my self hatred which was always and only my creation that he had nothing to do with</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when he left he gave me a point of support by stating that he would not accept to live with someone who lives self hatred as herself and that I can be grateful that he allowed me the space and time to go to the bottom of this point and release myself from it without using him as an excuse to why I had a right to keep hating myself no matter what </div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear what he may have thought about me, wondering if he could see all that self hatred, assuming he may have been disgusted with me, not seeing realizing and understanding those were outside projections of what was going on inside of me and of what I thought about me and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as self judgement in disgust for myself and what I accepted and allowed myself to become</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think 'what's the sense in all of this?' about process because I wanted a way out and not have to look at those feelings and the experience of myself as self hatred because it did not seem there was 'a good reason' to hate myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these were old patterns that I have always suppressed throughout my relationships and they just surfaced now again because nothing we participate with ever goes away and I now have the tools to deal with my mind and my suppression one experience of myself at the time</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in denial of the fact that I held feelings of self hatred within and as me because it seemed logical that I would have worked on these feelings at the very beginning of my process since one would want to give up feelings such as 'self hatred' as fast as possible due to their 'negative' charge, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that every source of energy within oneself that has been charged and fed over time will be harder to release because it's the switching off of a potential power plant one realizes will never have the chance to tap into again and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my self hatred justifying it with thinking that 'at least I hate myself' for this creation</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this world is not created through our intention, or prayers or commitments if these do not become 'who I am' because the world is created by the 1+1 of all the Who I ams of this world and that unless I let go of my self hatred I am contributing to the hatred of this world that gives birth to violence, wars, rape and murder in the futile attempt to resolve outside the self hatred we feel inside</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously justify my 'self hatred' as righteous, as good as I embodied Christ on the cross and the suffering of humankind by hating myself which is no solution to solve the hatred of this world and which is not a way to live</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that some of my self destructive behaviors were nothing else but self hatred becoming physical and within this I commit myself to stop myself from existing in and as self hatred for myself and all of existence equal and one</div>
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When and as I see myself about to entertain a thought that may trigger feelings of self hatred later down the line, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have walked my self forgiveness and I will no longer accept and allow myself to embody hatred as me</div>
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When and as I see myself bringing up past times in which I hated myself, I stop, breathe, see if there are points I have not released myself from and if there are, flag them and get to them in writing as soon as I can to let them go for good</div>
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When and as I see myself attempting to, moving to or about to try and use this relationship with this good man to hate myself, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that he gave me all the support I required by walking away and give myself the same support by walking away from the desire to engage this construct ever again</div>
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I commit myself to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-forgiving-hate-atlanteans-support-part-81" target="_blank">no longer live self hatred</a> one and equal with me, for myself and all of existence equal and one</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-59994327389572472272014-05-07T07:37:00.002-07:002014-05-07T08:06:52.672-07:00Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This is a Follow up to my post '<a href="http://adirectorjourneystolife.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-406-owner-of-broken-heart.html" target="_blank">Owner of a Broken Heart</a>' </div>
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So, digging up the origin of this point within me.</div>
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Something happened between me and my mum as I grew up, actually 2 things happened that played out this character first on her side and then on my side once I internalized it completely as 'Me'.</div>
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The first event was when I asked to go and live with my father because my mum was crazy and I could not take her blow ups any longer. A quiet, unspoken rage on her side followed that time, she called it hatred but that was just for maximum effect, it did not matter that my father said 'No, thanks', by then her '<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-the-personalities-shape-the-physical" target="_blank">Rejected Character</a>' had kicked in and a vicious period of a few years followed as she tried to prove to me in every possible way that it was <i>She </i>who rejected me and not the other way around. She was quite convincing too.</div>
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At the height of this period she met a man who made a pass on me and I tried to keep at bay and not disclose this to my mum to not bring further grief in her life until he did it again and then I went into an aggressive 'stay away from me' stance which my mum mistook for 'jealousy' (?) and me not wanting her to enjoy her life and which culminated in her asking me to leave home. I won't go into the whole story but it's sufficient to remember that by that time she knew he was a molester and a bastard through and through, still she asked ME to leave, this activated the 'Nobody wants me Character' in me, as me and solidified it in place to the point that I always question men who have a relationship with me about the 'why' they stick around', because, obviously, if 'nobody wants me' what are they doing there?</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not See, realize and understand that, as I was afraid to become a copy of my mother and her unpredictable patterns and I tried to resist through rational thinking I was in fact already busy imprinting myself with the exact same patterns and just looking for ways to cover them up and pretend they were not there.</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that we carry patterns of memories, emotions and feelings and traumas from one generation to the next and that it will take our active directive principle to stop ourselves from existing that way by deleting them through self forgiveness and rewriting scripts for ourselves that are more supportive to ourselves and everyone else that walks their life with us</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the point, the question 'what are you doing here?', had nothing to do with the other person but was about a pattern of myself I was revealing to myself and that I should have addressed it within myself even if the other person ended up justifying my question as something that existed 'within him as well'</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the point of 'nobody wants me' was relative to others without seeing realizing and understanding that this point that I have internalized I then played out on myself, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-self-image-and-acceptance-part-7" target="_blank">rejecting myself through judgements, separating myself into emotional reactions</a> for which I blamed others instead of addressing the point of learning to want myself, accept myself unconditionally, beyond self judgement so that I would not need another to 'want me' because I had bridged the need to be wanted through the unconditional acceptance of myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of things that happened with my mother and that I used to consolidate the 'Nobody wants me ' personality, without seeing realizing and understanding that it was because this character already existed within me that I sought points to validate it and make it real and that what I have miss-filed within the interpretation of the actions of my mother was functional to playing out a character that I failed to identify and release instead of validating it through distorted instrumental self interpreted memories </div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to get really close to someone, really intimate and allow myself to create a functional agreement because I held on to the idea that <i>in truth</i> 'nobody wants me', having frozen in time an idea that if even my mother did not want me then 'nobody wants me' and within this for approaching every partner within suspicion wondering 'what do they really want' and looking for reasons in my mind that make them stay with me until I make these reasons and doubts so real that they end up participating and believing it was their own creation</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enter a relationship 'hoping' that this time things would be different, even though I was aware that I had not walked myself out of the constructs of the mind through the application of <a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">the deletion modality of patterns as 'self forgiveness'</a> and within this 'hope', for giving away my directive principle to something external, to another, 'hoping' they would be the ones doing the fixing of this 'broken heart' instead of standing as the directive principle of myself to work at repairing what is not best for me and hence not best for all involved</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as blame for my mother and for this pattern that I was aware she carried as she kept talking about when <i>her</i> mother abandoned her or did not want her and for realizing too late into the pattern that no matter how much I disliked listening to her and her rantings about it, I had already internalized this pattern and the irritation I felt was always toward myself and my own programming which I was afraid to take responsibility for</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt when my partner said 'which story?' in a tone I interpreted as mocking, as to say there was never a story between us through which I ended up feeling duped and used and doubting the process I am walking because maybe if I had not self forgiven myself so much I would have been more aware of my reactions and I could have listened to them as a warning sign, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was because I suppressed my reactions and did not address them in full that I ended up feeling used and abused, which I was, but by myself and not by another</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress points I wanted to come clean about because I held on to the pattern that since 'nobody wants me' already, I better not rock the boat, hope things will work out if I don't go into some other of my fragmented self and play out something even more unpleasant than this aloof character living on the sidewalk of this relationship and within this for fearing to rock the boat, not of my relationship but of my own mind, fearing that if I looked at everything that was in there about this relationship I would have to face the fact that I had made a mistake of judgement to start with because I was not ready to walk with another as I was barely learning to walk with myself and finding my own stability</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try and please another while suppressing reactions while doing so because I was afraid he would leave and then I would have to face the fact that 'nobody wants me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I could have always worked on this point without waiting to face it in the physical and that I have created this break up in many ways when I look at this relationship in self honesty, so that I could remove myself from this relationship and go back to working on myself, something I believed I was not effectively doing while being in a relationship with someone who was not walking his own process of self correction</div>
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When and as I see myself attempting to bring up this character to victimize and bully myself, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am working with a generational pattern and that I have deconstructed its origin and reason for being and that I always have a choice to engage or not what my mind offers as patterns of behavior</div>
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When and as I see myself looking back searching for reasons to blame another for this break up, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what is best for all is not necessarily having a long lasting relationship but it can be meeting someone, uncover some patterns to be released and when no one is any longer benefiting from what they can discover through one another, move on without holding another responsible in any way, shape or form</div>
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When and as I see myself wondering why 'I am not sad' abut this break up and then go about wanting to dust up this 'nobody wants me' character, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it may take some consistency in releasing this pattern completely because it is a generational pattern that I have accepted and allowed to play out and have created emotional ties to for quite some time but this in no ways means that I cannot release myself from it for good with consistent application</div>
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When and as I see myself approaching the 'nobody wants me' character in my mind, I stop, breathe, look for what I am wanting to not accept myself for, investigate the point, release myself from self judgement until I stand in unconditional acceptance of myself over what was bothering me and move on</div>
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I commit myself to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/losing-self-value-through-validation-life-review" target="_blank">stop my dependency on others for acceptance</a> and to keep applying myself to stand as Self Acceptance while I walk my corrective application for myself and all of existence Equal and One</div>
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<a href="http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/">DIP Lite</a> - <span class="gq9apqh3ie3w" id="gq9apqh3ie3w_1">Free Online Course</span> to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support<br />
<a href="http://desteniiprocess.com/">DIP PRO</a> -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime<br />
<a href="http://desteni.org/" target="_blank">Desteni.org</a> - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material<br />
<a href="http://eqafe.com/">eqafe.com</a> - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/134734879873165/?fref=ts">Equal Life Foundation</a> - Facebook Stream for Unfolding Events and Solutions.<br />
<a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2oqqvh/creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/05/day-20-rotten-souls.html/">Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs</a><br />
<a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2oqqvh/creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/05/day-20-rotten-souls.html/">Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs</a>.
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<b><i>“What could have been, what has been, what can be, what will
be, what shall be – all is unimportant. What is Here is all that any
being ever has.” </i></b><a href="https://www.facebook.com/bernard.poolman" id="js_5"><b><i>Bernard Poolman</i></b></a><br />
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<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li-image zemanta-article-ul-li" style="background: none; display: block; float: left; font-size: 11px; list-style: none; margin: 2px 10px 10px 2px; padding: 0; text-align: left; vertical-align: top; width: 84px;"><a href="http://aldinsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/05/19/day-356-357-self-change-through-self-judgement-or-through-a-simply-decision/" style="border-radius: 2px; box-shadow: 0px 0px 4px #999; display: block; padding: 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img src="http://i.zemanta.com/170231522_80_80.jpg" style="border: 0; display: block; margin: 0; max-width: 100%; padding: 0; width: 80px;" /></a><a href="http://aldinsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/05/19/day-356-357-self-change-through-self-judgement-or-through-a-simply-decision/" style="background-image: none; display: block; height: 83px; line-height: 12pt; overflow: hidden; padding: 5px 2px 0 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Day 356 & 357 Self-Change through SELF-JUDGEMENT or through a simply DECISION?</a></li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li-image zemanta-article-ul-li" style="background: none; display: block; float: left; font-size: 11px; list-style: none; margin: 2px 10px 10px 2px; padding: 0; text-align: left; vertical-align: top; width: 84px;"><a href="http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.com/2013/04/09/day-191-reacting-to-futility-and-to-wtf-ive-done/" style="border-radius: 2px; box-shadow: 0px 0px 4px #999; display: block; padding: 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img src="http://i.zemanta.com/158754944_80_80.jpg" style="border: 0; display: block; margin: 0; max-width: 100%; padding: 0; width: 80px;" /></a><a href="http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.com/2013/04/09/day-191-reacting-to-futility-and-to-wtf-ive-done/" style="background-image: none; display: block; height: 83px; line-height: 12pt; overflow: hidden; padding: 5px 2px 0 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Day 191: Reacting to Futility, and to WTF I've Done.</a></li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li-image zemanta-article-ul-li" style="background: none; display: block; float: left; font-size: 11px; list-style: none; margin: 2px 10px 10px 2px; padding: 0; text-align: left; vertical-align: top; width: 84px;"><a href="http://yogisjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2014/02/09/day-507-self-judgement/" style="border-radius: 2px; box-shadow: 0px 0px 4px #999; display: block; padding: 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img src="http://i.zemanta.com/246430199_80_80.jpg" style="border: 0; display: block; margin: 0; max-width: 100%; padding: 0; width: 80px;" /></a><a href="http://yogisjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2014/02/09/day-507-self-judgement/" style="background-image: none; display: block; height: 83px; line-height: 12pt; overflow: hidden; padding: 5px 2px 0 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">day 507: self-judgement</a></li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li-image zemanta-article-ul-li" style="background: none; display: block; float: left; font-size: 11px; list-style: none; margin: 2px 10px 10px 2px; padding: 0; text-align: left; vertical-align: top; width: 84px;"><a href="http://annabrixthomsen.com/2014/05/04/one-can-validate-value-day-288/" style="border-radius: 2px; box-shadow: 0px 0px 4px #999; display: block; padding: 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img src="http://i.zemanta.com/268671925_80_80.jpg" style="border: 0; display: block; margin: 0; max-width: 100%; padding: 0; width: 80px;" /></a><a href="http://annabrixthomsen.com/2014/05/04/one-can-validate-value-day-288/" style="background-image: none; display: block; height: 83px; line-height: 12pt; overflow: hidden; padding: 5px 2px 0 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Why No One Can Validate Your Value But You: DAY 288</a></li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li-image zemanta-article-ul-li" style="background: none; display: block; float: left; font-size: 11px; list-style: none; margin: 2px 10px 10px 2px; padding: 0; text-align: left; vertical-align: top; width: 84px;"><a href="http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.com/2012/09/27/day-127-its-got-nothing-to-do-with-me-character/" style="border-radius: 2px; box-shadow: 0px 0px 4px #999; display: block; padding: 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img src="http://i.zemanta.com/noimg_6_80_80.jpg" style="border: 0; display: block; margin: 0; max-width: 100%; padding: 0; width: 80px;" /></a><a href="http://adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.com/2012/09/27/day-127-its-got-nothing-to-do-with-me-character/" style="background-image: none; display: block; height: 83px; line-height: 12pt; overflow: hidden; padding: 5px 2px 0 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Day 127: 'It's got nothing to do with me' Character</a></li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li-image zemanta-article-ul-li" style="background: none; display: block; float: left; font-size: 11px; list-style: none; margin: 2px 10px 10px 2px; padding: 0; text-align: left; vertical-align: top; width: 84px;"><a href="http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-108-control-and-self-control.html" style="border-radius: 2px; box-shadow: 0px 0px 4px #999; display: block; padding: 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img src="http://i.zemanta.com/110178524_80_80.jpg" style="border: 0; display: block; margin: 0; max-width: 100%; padding: 0; width: 80px;" /></a><a href="http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-108-control-and-self-control.html" style="background-image: none; display: block; height: 83px; line-height: 12pt; overflow: hidden; padding: 5px 2px 0 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...</a></li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li-image zemanta-article-ul-li" style="background: none; display: block; float: left; font-size: 11px; list-style: none; margin: 2px 10px 10px 2px; padding: 0; text-align: left; vertical-align: top; width: 84px;"><a href="http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2014/01/03/day-242-anger-at-my-exs-family-part-2/" style="border-radius: 2px; box-shadow: 0px 0px 4px #999; display: block; padding: 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img src="http://i.zemanta.com/235625217_80_80.jpg" style="border: 0; display: block; margin: 0; max-width: 100%; padding: 0; width: 80px;" /></a><a href="http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2014/01/03/day-242-anger-at-my-exs-family-part-2/" style="background-image: none; display: block; height: 83px; line-height: 12pt; overflow: hidden; padding: 5px 2px 0 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Day 242: Anger at My Ex's Family: Part 2</a></li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li-image zemanta-article-ul-li" style="background: none; display: block; float: left; font-size: 11px; list-style: none; margin: 2px 10px 10px 2px; padding: 0; text-align: left; vertical-align: top; width: 84px;"><a href="http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/08/22/who-will-i-be-if-i-stop-living-to-please-day-92/" style="border-radius: 2px; box-shadow: 0px 0px 4px #999; display: block; padding: 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img src="http://i.zemanta.com/108292363_80_80.jpg" style="border: 0; display: block; margin: 0; max-width: 100%; padding: 0; width: 80px;" /></a><a href="http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/08/22/who-will-i-be-if-i-stop-living-to-please-day-92/" style="background-image: none; display: block; height: 83px; line-height: 12pt; overflow: hidden; padding: 5px 2px 0 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Who Will I Be if I Stop Living to Please? DAY 92</a></li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li-image zemanta-article-ul-li" style="background: none; display: block; float: left; font-size: 11px; list-style: none; margin: 2px 10px 10px 2px; padding: 0; text-align: left; vertical-align: top; width: 84px;"><a href="http://adirectorjourneystolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/post-91-memory-dealer-self-forgiveness.html" style="border-radius: 2px; box-shadow: 0px 0px 4px #999; display: block; padding: 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img src="http://i.zemanta.com/105902203_80_80.jpg" style="border: 0; display: block; margin: 0; max-width: 100%; padding: 0; width: 80px;" /></a><a href="http://adirectorjourneystolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/post-91-memory-dealer-self-forgiveness.html" style="background-image: none; display: block; height: 83px; line-height: 12pt; overflow: hidden; padding: 5px 2px 0 2px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Post 91: The Memory Dealer - Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements</a></li>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-34980123700596158842014-05-05T17:29:00.001-07:002014-05-05T17:29:52.603-07:00Day 406: Owner of a Broken Heart<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://wallpaperspoints.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Keep-Calmand-Fix-a-Broken-Heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://wallpaperspoints.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Keep-Calmand-Fix-a-Broken-Heart.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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My boyfriend left last night, it was not as a result of a fight but of a series of events that exposed beyond any resonable doubt, to him as well, that this relationship was based on interest and, de facto, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/relationship-success-support-introduction" target="_blank">it was a relationship, not an agreement</a>.</div>
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Some of the things he said made a lot of sense, like the fact that he doesn't feel equal in his participation and he can't live with this, he said that since the question 'why are you here' on my side was recurrent <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/relationship-reactions-relationship-success-support" target="_blank">when we had a fall out</a> he admitted that the question kept coming up because this question existed inside of him as well.</div>
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I said that an agreement is a place where both work to make it work, while I was talking I wondered if I was just robotically acting out a speech.</div>
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A few things that he said triggered a feeling of being hurt, being offended, one was when he said 'story - which story?' when I was talking about us and then the next was 'are we free now?' and the feeling he couldn't get away fast enough - that triggered a feeling of rejection and of having been used.</div>
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This happened Saturday. I spent Sunday on the sidewalk of a pity party, I didnt join it, instead I spent the day watching videos on Mind Control and MK Ultra and Satanists seeking to put my very minor problem into context, I mean there are people that do blood sacrifices and traumatize children to turn them into perfect slaves, hello, talk about mental problems, I have just had a relationship ending.</div>
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Plus, I couldn't not notice the feeling of relief, of finally having the bed all to myself, of owning my time again so within one day I was pretty much stable again, I could even look at his side and see how we got here even though I knew that I would have to address those 2 points, the feeling of having been used and the feeling of rejection. </div>
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When I felt like crying I saw that the points that would come up were related to self victimization as in 'nobody wants me', <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/holding-on-to-what-you-used-to-be-reptilians-part-291" target="_blank">this is a residue</a> from something that happened with my mum that created this personality plus its a construct of hers who has lived her life as the Construct of being rejected due to her history with her mum.</div>
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When he came back today to talk to my neighbors about a job, I was stable and we could sit down and have a small chat, I was glad about this because the day he left I was possessed by the feeling of 'rejection' and when he said, 'if you need anything call me' to which I replied, 'if you need anything -don't call me' and on top of that I refused to shake hands and I didn't like myself for that.</div>
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Another point that came up was how I almost immediately wanted to move into evaluating this break up through my Money Personality to establish the amount of 'my loss' in material terms, proving that I am still run and not yet running/directing myself.</div>
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<a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">Good opportunity to rewrite the script.</a></div>
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In my next posts I will address these points with SF and SCA to move on and release these emotions and everything that goes with them.</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-29559800078220046102014-04-30T18:53:00.003-07:002014-04-30T18:53:32.763-07:00Day 405: The Perception of a Worth-Less Life and Regrets<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS88gmPp5AJ3EjX4y9kDct28f2ira-Q7ytbXzF1khGjQOHWzhCW9g" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS88gmPp5AJ3EjX4y9kDct28f2ira-Q7ytbXzF1khGjQOHWzhCW9g" width="365" /></a></div>
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Some days I feel this gloominess about living a life that makes no sense - for sure in my mind I must be comparing it with 'a life that makes sense' and finding that I am way short from that.</div>
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A life that makes sense in this system is a life where I can feel free to move as I please, make plans, have choices and not just have enough to barely survive on every month, so this perception is surely Money related, it's the feeling of being paralyzed and frozen in a time warp where I can only live out the consequences of my poor choices, for many of which I live in a state of regret.</div>
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This was clear to me yesterday when I saw a post from a far away friend that brought up, again, the life I used to live with this life that I perceive as worthless, which in money terms it is, it is worth-less, I have less money circulating and hence much of my time, reasoning, conversations are about money. I put a price on everything I do or don't do, this of course leaves me with a sense of worth-less-ness and all because of money. Sad.</div>
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<a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to</a> believe that our worth is money defined and for rejoicing in the perception of a 'worthy' life when I had a lot of money, creating for myself the future perception of a worthless life to live out</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being responsible about my life means living in the regret of the poor choices I have made because this is how 'I face consequences', creating regret to prove to myself I would not make the same choices again, if I had the chance</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/regret-sounding-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-121" target="_blank">to let go of this regret </a>because if I did I would be irresponsible and when my mother would bring up 'en passant' the poor choices I have made when I had money, I would have to feel irritated instead of agreeing through keeping alive the regret for what I have done with money when I had it</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/regret-what-is-it-atlanteans-part-120" target="_blank">living in regret</a> shows that I have changed, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that changing would mean let go of my past so I can create something new, that cannot come through regret</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value myself and others based on the money they can turn over, having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you are intelligent and educated you will make money in the system, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not always so and that I made the decision to walk out of the system to prove the point that I could manifest money out of thin air and, when I could not, I felt cheated and stupid for ever having believed such nonsense as the Law of Attraction</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be moved by anything that brings up images, memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings about the life I used to live as I immediately compare it with the life I live now, until I feel worth-less and unhappy about myself and my life</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I made decisions based on what I understood at the time when I walked away from the system and that I have to stop the self judgements, blame and self hatred for what I have done and the self judgement of having been a dope because unless I let go I can not free myself to start living this life I live now, while I wait and hope to get back to the life I used to live back then</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Money is what gives worth to life, without seeing realizing and understanding that if I don't correct this stance within me I am one point of support for this system that puts money before Life, because I myself put money before Life</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up about having given up the opportunity of a lifetime to follow some crap belief system and within this I forgive myself for not having taken the time to let go of this point not even when I saw that money had become an obsession in my mind due to how I had linked mine and others' worth to money and then attempting to get back my worth and my life's worth through money without succeding at it</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about money all the time because worry is one way I have understood as 'caring about something or somebody' and if I worry about it all the time I prove that I am concerned about being now responsible and caring about my financial situation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that an obsession about money is the result of the relationship I have created to it, having attached my worth and my life's worth to this 'idea' and that I can correct this relationship to free myself regardless of how much money I have at all times</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel concerned about my relationship and the point that my partner has not been able to contribute equally due to the financial situation of my country and of many people around the world and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am applying to my partner as a measure of his 'value/worth' the number as money that he is able to turn around in a month, diminishing him as a being through the eyes of my money personality and within this for always putting a price tag on everything I do for him, with him feeling that I am building up credits for which 'he will have to do something' to get even</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed in myself because I have written about the money point within my relationship and for expecting that I would just magically change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the money personality is one of our main personality system and I will have to walk these changes into the physical, until I become the script I have written out for myself regarding this point</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less worthy since my friendship with my 'best friend' ended due to how I mishandled a situation between the two of us and due to having invested some of my 'worth' into the reflection of myself within our relationship, when this relationship ended I felt less, less worthy, less protected from what could happen to me, less sheltered by hers and her husband wealth and within this for feeling like a 'loser' because of what I lost when this relationship came to an end</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my friendship with my 'ex best friend' was based on projecting back to each other exactly the personalities we wished to be known as and that what I lost with the end of our relationship is a 'perception of myself', a mask of myself, a cover up and the possibility to hide the truth of myself behind the image of me that I could see through the eyes of another, a favour I dutifully returned making our friendship never true, never real but just an engagement of personality systems that could not last beyond the threat of having to give up our self created images for one another</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss my ex best friend and her presence in my life, without seeing, realizing and understanding that what I miss is that feedback that stated that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was just an original, peculiar person and not the mind system I feared I was and did not know how to change into something real</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I always wanted 'a best friend' in my life in the hope that I could trust someone because I did not trust myself and that what I really miss is an intimate relationship of acceptance with myself, where I can accept who I have become as I walk to change what I can see needs to be corrected and realigned to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, equal and one</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not take full responsibility for why this relationship ended, attempting to make my friend the reason and the one to blame instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the reason why I found it impossible to keep that friendship going when she became close to my ex husband was that I feared what my ex husband would expose about me things that I did not share with her because those 'events' in my relationship did not match the personality system through which we operated and that I was the first one getting close to her husband and doing to her what I feared she may do to me and within this for trying to blame her for what she said about what she learned about me instead of using that moment as an opportunity to walk beyond my personality system and become more intimate with her and with myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to forgive myself regarding my ex best friend because when I don't forgive myself I am 'principled' and better than those that do forgive themselves and within this for withholding this forgiveness as a way to feel good about what I have done instead of letting go of the need to feel good about something I feel ashamed about so I can deal with the shame and get over it once and for all</div>
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When and as I see myself wanting to entertain some memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions in relation to my 'past life', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to participate because I am aware that it's just an attempt to self sabotage myself into a state of worthlessness, instead I busy myself physically and breathe myself back to stability</div>
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When and as I see myself wanting to put a price on something, wanting to talk about money when it's not contextual to the moment I am living I stop, breathe and let go of the perceived 'need to put a price on everything</div>
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When and as I see myself looking back with regret at my relationship with my ex best friend, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I can't change what I have done but I can change who I am and what I stand for and as, to no longer create such consequences in my life such as shame and regret</div>
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I commit myself to bring back the pieces of worth that I have invested outside of myself and to return worth to myself as Life and not as Money or my ability to spend or my ability to have a best friend as I see, realize and understand that my worth is in me as Life and I can bring back all my divested worth until I can stand one and equal to the word Worth Equal and One with My self</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-30425242394966682082014-04-23T09:39:00.001-07:002014-04-23T09:39:39.537-07:00Day 402: Redefining Writing - From Burden to Self Support<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I have been very tired lately - very tired.</div>
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The little time I spare here and there I want to spend it 'for me' possibly on the couch resting, which means doing nothing that has to do with this journey.</div>
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At some level I am aware that all excuses I come up with are just crap but I am very good at telling myself I 'deserve' some time 'for me' - whatever that means since when I do take this 'me time' I just waste it, anything will do, even watching a show on TV that is designed for the brain damaged people we have become.</div>
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<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-awareness-steps-for-the-elite-introduction-part-1" target="_blank">Writing </a>doesn't even come close to the top 10 things I would rather do in those moments of deflation, so in this blog I am redefining writing to realign it in my mind to a moment that is in fact 'me time', a moment in which I take care of myself and what goes on in my mind to release myself from those clutches and crutches that pain me on many levels and that I 'hope' they may go away with a nap or with some brain dumbing activity that I tell myself I am 'entitled to'.</div>
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<a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to</a> perceive and then define writing as a burden, a drag, something I <i>must do</i> and hence activating within me the desire to not do it' so I can rebel and show 'who is in charge'</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are more enjoyable things I could do with the little time I have left than <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/writing-and-speaking-support-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-29" target="_blank">writing </a>and hence those are the things I should be doing, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I am facing a wall due to my own definitions of what writing is and why I am writing in the first place and that I can correct my stance by redefining everything I do until I place myself again in the position of writing comfortably to support myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe 'I have a right to do something else' whatever that <i>else </i>is - without seeing realizing and understanding I am specifically avoiding sitting down and writing because it seems there is too much to write about and to unravel and I can't possibly ever find <i>all that time</i> in my lifetime</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give a negative label to everything that I do during the day, from working to cleaning to organizing my life and hence, when I am done and I take stock of how many 'negative experiences' I have already walked in a day I can't find it within me to sit down and face another 'negative' thing such as writing and so I seek a 'positive thing' like spending some time 'wasting my time' on meaningless TV shows because I feel I am entitled to, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am just living out my life according to how I have labeled everything within a polarity system</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cleaning my home and getting organized as 'negative' and as a burden because in doing so I am always pestering my partner to 'share the burden' even when it is not logical or practical that he should be the one helping me out when I have all this time that I just mismanage because I fear that managing my time tightly will make me feel imprisoned, caged and make me desire to rebel and give it all up</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define everything I do as negative so that I am entitled to be helped out by my partner because I have had such a hard day and within this for pushing this request for help even during days when he goes out for real physical work while I stay comfortably at home building up reasons about why I am entitled to be helped out because of all the 'hard work and negative stuff ' I have done during the day </div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that things and activities exist in a polarity of positive and negative in my mind because I have defined them so and for no other reason and that since I was the one defining them, I can redefine them beyond any polarity so it won't matter whatever I do at any time and I will be able to do whatever needs to be done outside of an accountancy sheet that measures my debts and credits toward <i>my time</i></div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself 'I have no time' and for accepting and allowing myself to feel so tired at all times to prove that I do need time off from something instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am in truth seeking time off from myself and this is just never going to happen</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am too tired even for sex which proves I am really tired and need some rest</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that sitting down and writing myself out is an option I can decide to take up or not, instead of setting a rule for myself that I will <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/writing-and-speaking-support-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-29" target="_blank">sit down and write no matter what</a>, because I have seen, realized and understood what an amazing support writing is for me and that I can always find the time to write a SF blog even if I don't have the time to write a LIG blog that may demand more time or research on my side</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I live a privileged life even within this temporary money restriction that doesn't allow me to move as freely as I would like but I have a home, food on the table, a caring partner and there is nothing wrong or negative in my life unless I insist on making it so to justify why I am so tired and why I need to rest and not participate in this journey with my group as consistently as I am able to</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I face a wall I should be glad as it means I have come to the end of a layer and I now have to push beyond the next layer of lies and excuses to keep moving and that facing a wall is in no way a sign of failure or of ineffectiveness but of steady walking that I cannot accept to stop just because I have bought into the definition of 'facing a wall' as something final, when in fact facing a wall means there is a wall somewhere in my mind and I just need to walk through it to the other side by applying myself with consistency</div>
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When and as I see myself defining my day as 'negative' in an attempt to pile up brownie points for my deliberate 'can't participate - can't write - have done enough negative stuff for today' I stop, breathe, redefine in the moment what I am doing beyond polarity so as to not allow myself as the Mind to pile up 'valid excuses ' why I am entitled to not support myself through writing</div>
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When and as I see myself about to nag my partner about what he did not share with me that I have defined as negative and needs to be done, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing negative or positive about cleaning my home, organizing my meals, working meeting people and that I am only attempting to place the negative label on those tasks to be entitled to be helped out by my partner when he comes home and hence I push to breathe myself back here and stop</div>
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When and as I see myself desiring to blame my partner for not helping me out enough and then feel stupid when he tells me he is glad to go to work so he can finally rest there, I stop, breathe, do not even try to blame him for being honest about how he feels about my making up tons of tasks in the house to keep both of us busy, instead I look at where and how I can simplify some of the things that I believe 'must be done' everyday so we create some quality time to spend together that doesn't involve 'being busy doing something'</div>
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When and as I see myself wanting or about to buy into the 'I'm so tired' excuse, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I have been much more effective in my life at other times when I did not have a choice of being ineffective and organize my day in a way where I can get everything done and have some time to spare to do things that I have now left behind to prove 'I'm too busy' even to write</div>
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When and as I see myself wanting to take a nap because I am too tired, I stop, breathe, investigate if this tiredness is physical and if so see how I can support my body better to overcome this tiredness and if it is not physical I breathe myself back here and push myself to do what needs to be done </div>
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I commit myself to walk across this perception of a wall that I am facing to realign myself and my living to what is best for me as what is best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-69692111815132980672014-04-18T09:16:00.003-07:002014-04-18T09:34:45.755-07:00Day 400: Relationship Support - Go away Fatso<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://www.privatehealth.co.uk/EasysiteWeb/getresource.axd?AssetID=214099&type=full&servicetype=Inline" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.privatehealth.co.uk/EasysiteWeb/getresource.axd?AssetID=214099&type=full&servicetype=Inline" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
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I had a conversation with my mother about why I want to lose weight and some interesting things emerged, which are tied in to why I have not lost weight yet.</div>
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So, against all odds - again comes this point of self judgement regarding my weight- I became interested in a man who was also interested in me, against all odds is because I have been <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-design-of-obesity" target="_blank">overweight </a>since I came back to Italy and hence I have lost 'value' in my own eyes due to being fat vs fit.</div>
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As the relationship developed and I discovered I really liked this man, a process that goes against any logical explanation started, which was that I put on more weight vs losing it.</div>
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Prompted by my mother questions about my weight gain and why I was stuck into not losing it, this is what emerged</div>
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how do I know if he really loves me if I get fit?</div>
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what will happen when I will 'gain value' through losing weight to my relationship?</div>
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will I still be interested or will I start to move 'on the market' because I believe I could have more/better than the man I have now?</div>
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is the value of the man I have now only in the fact that he accepts me as fat vs fit?</div>
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am I using all of the above as an excuse to not change my eating patterns? </div>
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what does all this say about me and my dishonesty in my relationship?</div>
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Of course this has had a lot of backlash, things that I suppress and then I blame him for like the fact that I don't feel attractive and then project this on him or the fact that if he searches for me for sex I find it demeaning and devaluing it to him, meaning he is less interesting to me because he is interested in me as a fat lady although I could not stand it if he made any comment about it in any way. <br />
Quite a conundrum that I want to unravel with self forgiveness now and self corrective application to stop my fears and projections stemming from the first point of self judgement as fat is ugly and unworthy so, what is a man doing with me now? What are his REAL motives to be with me?</div>
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<a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to</a> judge being fat or fat people as ugly and unattractive</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate being fat with being a slob, for associating being fat as something that is socially unacceptable because I held on to memories of when I was a child and I started to overeat to suppress stuff that was going on in my home, linking food to comfort and a sense of consolation instead of seeing, realizing and understanding we have created a society that paints specific images of women and what body shapes are ok and what not because we are dysfunctional and have become more invested in pictures than in substance</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to those images of what would have been acceptable and for setting in my mind standards against which every time I departed the standard I felt diminished and devalued, not seeing, realizing and understanding I was the one accepting those body image standards in the first place as 'the way I should look' and then attempted to align to those expectations to feel good about myself </div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being fat is just a matter of lack of self discipline and restraint when in fact there are many things at play in weight fluctuation that I have never considered before or cared to consider before</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-could-you-make-me-feel-this-way-life-review" target="_blank">fear that my partner may make a comment out loud about me being fat</a> and unattractive and within this fear from feeling resistance at the idea of being intimate</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself and the consequences I have created for myself as in this weight gain, which made me resist looking at the point and trying to deflect the blame of how I feel about it on my partner</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to go on the scale because I preferred to believe I did not gain so much weight and for feeling a sinking sensation when I did go on the scale and saw the weight I reached and had to face the reality of where I am at and embrace it before I can change it</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist losing weight because I have judged the idea of being slim as in being attractive and since I embarked on this journey to life I have placed a judgement on being attractive or wanting to be attractive and therefore I created an internal conflict between what I really wanted and what I pushed myself into, until I felt uncomfortable in my own skin</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being 'attractive' as in slim as a point of vanity, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I can redefine the word <i>slender </i>without emotional attachments and accept that my body built is slender and I don't have to make anything more of it than just embrace the design of my body</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to participate in the common lie that I don't care about all the weight I have put on because I would like to be that kind of person that did not care, when I care on multiple levels some of which are health connected and some of which are system connected and I can correct my stance about my misalignments instead of trying to pretend to be ok with something I am not ok with</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be ok with who I have become due to my weight gain because I believe that in the process of gaining weight I have lost value, which is the value I had deliberately placed on being slender and fit without seeing, realizing and understanding that whenever I place the value of me outside of myself into an idea or a belief I will have to soon or later face that point of divestment until I can return to myself what I have misplaced in an attempt to seek more value for myself believing I don't have value and have to work to 'gain value' one way or another</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I refused to embrace myself as I am I was making a statement that I was sooner or later going to address this point, when in fact not embracing myself as who I am separated myself from myself and made it impossible for me to direct this point to a solution</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by stressing about my weight and then suppressing the truth of how much I disliked this new body I felt alien to, I only prolonged the moment in which I would be able to stand and do something about it</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose weight I will have to face my mind construct that states that ' no man is good enough for me because I could have whoever I want' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that this is an extra reason why I should deliberately go to the place where I know this construct activates, while I script another behavior for myself so I can face this point in the physical and solve it once and for all</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate thoughts, fears, beliefs and opinions about my weight gain instead of looking at the practical solution of addressing this point and solving it so I can stop this constant preoccupation that I spend much time to suppress and pretend it's not there at all</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my partner to project on him my own insecurities, self judgements and fears and for secretly <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/blame-imprisoning-yourself-atlanteans-part-185" target="_blank">blaming </a>him for what I did not want to take responsibility for because I did not want to look into this point in all its aspects and change</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question my partner's motives to be with me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was projecting on him my own self judgements about my weight and being fat while reducing him to someone with 'ulterior motives' because I judged myself as 'not looking good enough' to be in a relationship with an attractive man that is younger than me </div>
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When and as I see myself worrying about my weight, about to worry about my weight, starting to think about my weight, I stop, breathe, remind myself that this point is directed as I saw that the solution is to lose the weight and face my fears as I get to my comfortable weight and as I am on my way there and that I don't need to keep piling up weight in order to value my partner for accepting me 'the way I am'</div>
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When and as I see myself fearing that I might not be losing weight fast enough now that I have realized this point of self sabotage, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am not racing to lose weight but returning my body to a place where I feel comfortable and where my movements are in no way impaired or made difficult by the weight gain and that there is no specific weight I need to reach and I may or may not enter again in the clothes I used to wear and that shouldn't be a concern at all, when I will feel comfortable in my movement if I cannot fit my old clothes I will address that point then</div>
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When and as I see myself projecting myself forward into the future in fear of what I will do when the construct 'no man is good enough for me' activates, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have the time to work on that point before the point comes and to work out a script I can anchor myself to, so I will not be swayed into an alternate reality of the mind forgetting I have a man I have committed to and with whom I am building an agreement for the first time in my life</div>
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I commit myself to walk through all the layers in my mind in relation to food and weight to sort out my self judgements, beliefs and ideas until I can live comfortably in my body in and as it. </div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-16037303375782829462014-04-10T02:44:00.002-07:002014-04-10T02:44:05.240-07:00Day 398: Relationship Paranoia - Ending the Spite<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr72GZeJ1uW9EX_3GmcGRAEFtkHIiAu4euDSz6aJiQ_YjOdZvFIDxCVyA1bOITYVTZz8ph8mIZIMn6-WC9z04xtWfi-64nRJKSP_u9GmSEBl9jLr5hhrB_0XcUIVJyRmdyVKpVYfoEf_k/s1600/deceiving+appearances.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr72GZeJ1uW9EX_3GmcGRAEFtkHIiAu4euDSz6aJiQ_YjOdZvFIDxCVyA1bOITYVTZz8ph8mIZIMn6-WC9z04xtWfi-64nRJKSP_u9GmSEBl9jLr5hhrB_0XcUIVJyRmdyVKpVYfoEf_k/s1600/deceiving+appearances.jpg" height="314" width="320" /></a></div>
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Continuing to dissect the Spiteful Character following my previous posts on the topic</div>
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The Normalization of Spite and Malice</div>
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Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning - links at the bottom</div>
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For what concerns how I lived Spite within my intimate relationship I can see that it started with the education I received from my grandmother on the topic of 'Men' and specifically about how, since men are dumb and basically dick-driven, women should always have the upper hand either through manipulation or spite.</div>
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<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-what-else-is-there-atlanteans-part-177" target="_blank">Spite was the 'when all else failed' tool</a> that women should apply to basically manoeuvre men back to their place, which was next to them in a sort of submissive fear driven way.</div>
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Of course such education came with the specific points a woman should exert her spite through, such as jealousy, I definitely see jealousy was the number 1 tool my grandmother and her generation of apparently submissive women would use to square the books, it is quite sad to see how we developed beliefs about each others, gender wise and relationship in general and easy to see why and how for many years in my life I never felt honest within a relationship and ended up blaming that perceived dishonesty on my partners and then how I would feel entitled to spite them to prove they were in fact the dishonest ones from the start.</div>
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Of course we can call all of the above a form of paranoia, it all starts with <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/stop-your-thoughts-change-yourself-reptilians-part-284" target="_blank">recurring thoughts</a> about something I blame on another for which I seek a sort of revenge or pay back so I can apparently 'stop feeling the way I feel or stop experiencing myself in a specific way' for which -apparently- another is responsible - hence how the delusion of 'getting even' is just in fact very odd, it never worked and never will, those layers infact just keep accumulating in other imaginary credits for which the paranoia and then <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/blame-imprisoning-yourself-atlanteans-part-185" target="_blank">blame </a>and then spite build up, some silly games we have been playing out there, time to stop.</div>
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<a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to</a> not question my grandmother teachings about life, men and relationship because they came from someone who would start the indoctrination session with the sentence '<i>you Know that I love you so much</i>' and within this for failing to see that this is the passcode parents and relatives use to inhibit our <i>firewalls </i>and offload their crappy beliefs in a safe, unchecked and unprotected environment</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the words '<i>I love you so much</i>' to a way to enter the mind of another in a devious way where I could then try and have them believe that what I was about to say or do made sense because '<i>I loved them so much'</i></div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the word 'love' as a pass into someone's mind where my real motives and drives would possibly go unnoticed, without seeing realizing and understanding that I was in the process of manipulating them for my own benefit and my own desired outcomes</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I did not get what I wanted, that I never asked for but tried to have through manipulation, to move into spite to get even at another for not delivering to me what I had originally set out to achieve <i>without asking</i> as to not create an open 'credit' if the other would concede to me what I really wanted and had asked for</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I hated my ex husband because he could see through all my mind games but instead of approaching me with the pass code '<i>you know I love you so much</i>' to set my mind at ease, he would spell it out clearly to me that he was seeing what I was up to and then once I felt caught I would deny and move into the spiteful character to prove that I was not at all plotting and planning behind his back and that was why I was now entitled to my little payback having been off-ended unjustly</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, instead of seeking solutions for my behavior, create stories and excuses about the other being wrong in the first place which would justify why I had a right to my spiteful stance and within this I forgive myself for not liking myself and separating myself into internal wars and conflicts about my behaviour that I wished to deny instead of taking responsibility for it and changing myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my behavior because I could not find <a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">effective tools to change</a> without seeing realizing and understanding that I had missed out on the point that we play out the faulty character-istics we take on from our family and environment without questioning their validity and for not seeing realizing and understanding that we are copycatting each other in endless cycles of abusive behaviors because we have not found ways to correct ourselves yet</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a spiteful comment or moment comes up in my mind within my current relationship, to brush it off and tell myself I have changed because I don't act on it, mostly, anymore, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the popping up of those spiteful moments underlines that I have lived spite as who I am and I have to take back those moments and correct them to sort out the origin point of spite so that I can stand one and equal inside and out and no longer participate in spite as who I am</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use spiteful words and stances in my intimate relationships with the aim of diminishing another in my mind to prove that I was right from the get go and I had nothing to do with the devious behavior that some of them might suggest I was busy with and for using spite as the ultimate proof that I was in fact innocent -or I would not become spiteful as a consequence of what someone <i>falsely </i>said to me about me</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify spite as 'so they would know what they put me through' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that no one has ever put me through anything because no one can make me feel or think something without my active participation or acceptance and allowance and that the lame excuse of having others 'feel what I felt' was never valid nor real but just an excuse to move into spite and feel righteous about it</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe my parents and relatives when they were spiteful to me and their excuse of why they were being spiteful as in a lesson they were trying to teach me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no way anyone can learn anything through spite and that the 'teaching a lesson' is just another name for spite once it's charged with a spiteful stance and hence spite was always a tool that we have used to abuse ourselves and others no matter what label to justify it we placed on it</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that through spite I have diminished myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest my substance in spite as an attempt to not take responsibility for what was going on within me for which nobody was ever responsible but myself and for which I alone held the keys to change once I could take responsibility for it</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use jealousy to spite a man within a relationship, trying to make them feel jealous because my grandmother had said that if a man really loves you he will become jealous instead of seeing realizing and understanding that women in my society used jealousy to spite their men having understood that jealousy is a mind construct they could play to make another fearful and unsafe and within this for having desired to make a man fearful and unbalanced in spite of the fact that,once a man was fearful and unbalanced I would no longer see him as a man and would desire to trash him for good for his apparent weakness</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by playing the spiteful character within my intimate relationships I have always and only spited myself and that if I want all abuse to end in this world, the point of spite and self spite must be corrected within me for good until I can stand stable and see clearly that I no longer participate in spite, no matter how small or big my spiteful stance might seem or how I try to downplay it by comparison to what I have been as in the full blown spiteful character</div>
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When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spite within my personal relationship, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am about to walk a construct of the mind unless I stop and make another choice and so I breathe, keep myself stable until the enticing moment of spite wears out without my participation in anyway shape or form</div>
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When and as I see myself that I have already walked into the construct because some spiteful comment or stance is coming up within me that I see I desire to brush off, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that the mind is like an auction house putting an item up for me to buy it and participate in an energy construct that will turn me into a reactive being vs a self directed being and that I can say NO, breathe myself back to stability and will myself to choose to not participate</div>
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When and as I see myself I have fallen into the spiteful character because I had my guard down or because I feel entitled to that one tiny moment of secret spite, I stop, breathe, remind myself how I have walked in writing why I no longer want to participate and stick to my decision by forgiving myself immediately and correcting myself to not participate</div>
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When and as I see myself wanting to play the jealousy card because 'it's fun' apparently, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am just attempting to label spite with another name, remind myself that whatever the label I am attempting to move into a spiteful stance and will myself not to by directing myself to breathe instead until I can stand stable and see the desire to make someone jealous fade as I do not allow myself to participate within it</div>
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I commit myself to stop being spiteful in my personal relationships</div>
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I commit myself to investigate when and why I am triggered into a moment of desire to be spiteful to see what I need to correct for which I am still blaming another</div>
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I commit myself to not repeat the patterns of behavior of those that came before me and created this world that I see needs to change and for which I want to stand as one piece that changes back into alignment to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One</div>
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DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support<br />
<a href="http://desteniiprocess.com/">DIP PRO</a> -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime<br />
<a href="http://desteni.org/">desteni.org</a> - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material<br />
<a href="http://eqafe.com/">eqafe.com</a> - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection<br />
<a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2oqqvh/creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/05/day-20-rotten-souls.html/">Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs</a><br />
<a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2oqqvh/creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/05/day-20-rotten-souls.html/">Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs</a>.</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-62445015491175227202014-04-04T11:04:00.003-07:002014-04-04T11:06:25.018-07:00Day 396: Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This is a follow up to my post<br />
<a href="http://adirectorjourneystolife.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-394-normalization-of-spite-and.html" target="_blank">The Normalization of Spite and Malice</a><br />
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So, as I listened to the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-introduction-atlanteans-part-174" target="_blank">Eqafe interviews about Spite</a> that advised to look for the time when we actually kick started this construct and how this was related to a moment in time with our parents, who might have opposed us for our greater good, while we perceived ourselves attacked as 'a personality system' and instead of pushing to move beyond our preprogrammed path, we moved into <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-understanding-atlanteans-part-175" target="_blank">Spite </a>as the revenge mechanism for a perceived attack one of the fail safe mechanism to safeguard ourselves as the Mind and its preprogramming.</div>
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I have very clear memories of how I dealt with my mum in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-manipulation-tactics-atlanteans-part-178" target="_blank">Spite </a>as I was growing up, precisely within this dynamic, which is why the <a href="https://eqafe.com/" target="_blank">Eqafe interviews</a> are awesome, to say the least.</div>
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As I wrote before in previous posts, I lived a schizophrenic economic reality, with my wealthy grandparents -by comparison to where I lived everyday - and life in what we would call 'the projects' if we were in the USA, or council estate in the UK, where crime and violence was rife and chances for people to get out of there were pretty slim.</div>
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My mother was an educated woman, she wanted for me a better life than the one she was building for us working like a dog and bringing home extra work to do even in the evenings to make sure we would have more than enough to live comfortably, so she naturally pushed for the best education she could give me.</div>
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Here 2 events stick out in my mind of how my internal revolt against her started, one was when she screamed at me for the first time out of school and I got shit scared and felt a wave of pure hatred for her as a result of how I experienced myself in fear and humiliation, which of course called for revenge, another time that pops up is my teachers saying that I could have done more at school, praising my intelligence and condemning my lack of motivation - which was not a lack of motivation but my own way of getting back to my mother for what I perceived as her own wrongdoings, because at the time I did not have the tools to understand that those experiences within me were created by myself and no one else.</div>
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So I will start with these 2 points and see where we go from here</div>
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<a href="http://www.desteni.org/" target="_blank">I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to</a> connect a specific moment of fear that I felt as a kid, due to my mum raising her voice for the first time about some school assignments and to blame her for how vulnerable and shit scared I felt and within this for having made her the source and reason of my fear, the culprit of all that I experienced in that one moment which I was unable to define but in which I felt threatened, only to end up igniting the desire to seek revenge and make her pay for what I perceived she did to me</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that things could have never been the same 'after what she had done to me' meaning my experience of myself as threatened through which I concluded this was a woman I could never trust because look what she was capable of doing to me and within that to desire to pay her back with the same currency, making her feel bad, scared, hopeless just like she had done to me</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek the one point my mum was always pushing me about, which was education, to use it against her, convincing myself that I could upset her if I did not do well in school, creating for myself a non achiever personality where I would make sure to do just enough to pass but never more, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that we had colluded on a point that was pushing me beyond my preprogramming, which was for me to never achieve anything, because this world was designed not for everyone to have the same choices and opportunities but for some to be left behind - or to be moved to leave themselves behind so they could form the base of the pyramid for others to step on all the way to the top</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my experience of myself in HK in a position of leadership caused me so much stress because I has stretched myself way beyond my preprogramming without letting go of the personality of underachiever which gave me the experience of always be thorn in two and never be safe and sound within the job I had built for myself </div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make Asia a special place in my mind due to how I felt myself expanding there, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I expanded because I removed myself from the place where I wanted to be less than I could be to spite my mother, making sure to create for her an endless loop of guilt for how I turned out way below her expectations based on my undeniable potential</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that, when I was spiteful in my mind toward my mother, I was in fact justified because of what she did that made me what I was, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that no one could ever make me but myself through my choices, acceptances and allowances</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to make my mum wrong so I could invalidate her and her stance of always preaching education and within this for developing a rebellious personality in spite, just to annoy her and to prove to her that I would never bend to her wishes for me to have a better life than the one she managed for herself, proving to myself that I have always and only spited myself</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why I expanded myself and my education when I moved to Asia was because I was away from the nefarious influence of my mother, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was due to me having made her into a nefarious character so I could hold on to my preprograming as intended, that I experienced her as limiting and as a pain in the ass, failing to see that it was never about what she stood for but what I stood against that defined our relationship</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mum for how I experienced myself the first time she raised her voice and for having held on tenaciously to the memory of that moment as a moment that defined me and my life, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that memories are the blocks through which consciousness creates itself and that it is not optional to let them go but mandatory, to be able to change a pattern for good</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of my mother's perceived wrongdoings because then I could justify why I was spiteful to her and within this for feeling regret yesterday when she said that she experienced a rush of memories of things gone bad between her and myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that her memories are her responsibility and I cannot sort them out for her or redefine her relationship to them in her place but I can stand as a point of support to help her let them go within what she understands that is required of her to be able to bury the past</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish that I had a different history with my mum, making my history with my mum a moment that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me and our relationship, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am the one that can redefine our relationship, no matter what happened in the past in recurring loops before I became aware of how I could walk a point into correction for myself and all of existence equal and one</div>
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When and as I see myself going into my mind or about to go into my mind in spite about my mum, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have walked this point in writing and look for the script that I am about to lay out on what to do should this moments come up again, until I can stand stable through them and no longer participate within this design of Spite</div>
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When and as I see myself wanting to blame my mum for how I experience myself or reacting at how I am experiencing myself after an interaction with my mum, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I accept to not sort out this point immediately reactions will turn into anger and then anger into blame until I will be into a full fledged possession from which I will be unable to stop and assess what is really going on with me, instead I take responsibility immediately for how I feel or what I have accepted myself to participate in within thought, release it through self forgiveness either within or our loud if the situation allows it and breathe myself back to stability</div>
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When and as I see myself thinking that I am entitled to a little spite in comparison to 'what she did, said or what I believe she thought', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to walk that pattern anymore, see, realize and understand that I may have to practice my non participation because so far I have only practiced my participation in and as spite and keep applying myself until not participating in Spite becomes one and equal to who I am</div>
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I commit myself to stop the existence of myself as the mind within spite within the relationship with my mum, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4069705676020675132.post-27541703675970880122014-04-01T10:41:00.003-07:002014-04-01T11:42:47.505-07:00Day 394: The Normalization of Spite and Malice<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I have now listened to the last two interviews about <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-understanding-atlanteans-part-175" target="_blank">Spite </a>because I want the whole context as I prepare to write to unravel this point.</div>
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As it was spelt out quite rightly in the interviews, most of us have gone beyond the phase to be obviously spiteful compared to our teenage years, this should come as a relief - or a worry, depending on how we look at it.</div>
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In my experience I still experience <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-how-extreme-is-your-spite-atlanteans-part-179" target="_blank">Spite </a>internally, less now with my mother than I used to, more in my personal relationship and occasionally, when given the chance, just about with anybody.</div>
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Why I see that it should 'worry' me more or in better words, give me more reasons to ponder about this point, is that I have considered myself a 'grown up' for not being openly spiteful anymore, instead of seeing I have just gone underground with it and justified it as 'not harming anyone' and basically 'my right', others should be lucky to have met me in the <i>post openly spiteful</i> phase plus, in this world, we can take a breath of Relief since Spite has just become Normal - some of the articles linked at the bottom can prove it.</div>
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I have in my own way 'normalized' Spite, I know because I heard my mother 2 days ago saying just that after she put down one of her ex friends calling her 'a pathetic shrunk up raisin who has no joy in her life', and then she added, <i>at least I am honest about what I think plus it's normal to have those kinds of thoughts when you have issues with someone</i>, at which point an alarm bell went off.</div>
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I could almost immediately recognize this pattern within myself without resistance, including the delusion of being honest for speaking my mind, boy have I done damages with that, when in fact the speaking or writing our minds out, given the content of them nowadays, should be a personal process and should be followed by a commitment to correction or, not shared at all in the clear understanding that we don't need anymore ranting and raving in a world of ranting and raving with no solutions, we need solutions, we need to bring points to a place where there is equally no more harm done to ourselves and others.</div>
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Plus, if this 'hint' was not enough to see I have to take on this point about which I had quite a realization when I listened to the interview, I can always watch my World Screen, the High Definition place where I project what I have to correct within me and SPITE is high on the list these days.</div>
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Want a confirmation: Putin ousted from the G8, the big dicks club of the World according to their economical weight on the playfield but I will be telling more on<a href="http://eleonoragozzini.wordpress.com/" target="_blank"> my Economics and Social Issues Blog in my next post.</a></div>
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When I believe that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-what-else-is-there-atlanteans-part-177" target="_blank">Spite </a>is my Birthright just because everyone does it, there is something wrong with me and with this world equally, the fact that we externalized the internal workings of our minds on screens in Hollywood through the Ally Mc Beal series, to name just one, in which everyone could recognize themselves and take a sight of relief that we finally outed the cat from the bag and shared that we are in no way equalized inside and out and are, to say the least and until we correct ourselves, very untrustworthy human beings, should be a point of concern and not a point of relief, unless we intended to normalize what we are up to in our secret minds and make it OK, versus working to change it once and for all.</div>
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It doesn't matter that no one knows what is going on inside of me, that it is secret, the same right to secrecy we advocate in the outside world because more often than not we are involved in things that if they should be know, would bring the carefully crafted house of cards of our 'good loooking' personalities come crashing down, there is no place we can hide ourselves from ourselves. </div>
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So, in my next posts I will open up SPITE as a construct and its relationship for me that I could hear clearly in the interviews and that starts with some emotional reaction for which I have not taken responsibility which leads to rage that I then blame on someone and make them guilty for and then how, in spite, I go on a commentary in my secret mind, about what I can do to show them/make them feel the same way, belittle, ostracize whatever it will take to even out the score I am the only one responsible for creating in the first place. Quite Insane to say the least.</div>
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So, for <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/spite-self-support-atlanteans-part-176" target="_blank">more on Spite and how to give it up for good</a>, I will do some blogs applying self forgiveness on memories of constructs I have taken on and what I have done in the name of Spite, always ending up just spiting myself at the end.</div>
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Eleonora Gozzinihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02852568561324862266noreply@blogger.com0