Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Day 149: I Don't Want To Go to Heaven

As we write our Journey to Life Blogs, Creation, Earth and Heaven are writing their as well.
How do I experience myself within reading those Blogs?

When I read Earth's Journey to Life blogs, I just see common sense, sometimes I react, mainly when I want to say things like 'come on, this is not important, with the kind of mess we are in, this is menial' but I can work those feelings and emotion out and go back to the Blog consistently as I have seen how supportive it has been to open up Characters for myself.

When I read Creation's Journey to Life, I have ups and downs, basically like when I read Earth's but more accentuated, and I experience myself as on a continuous ride as what I believed I had grasped the day before I have to question again today in relation to another point, so I would say destabilizing but again, like when I get a painful massage, that kind of sour pain that I know 'it's good for me'

Then comes Heaven, I definitely don't want to go to Heaven!

So I decided to look at why when I sit down to read Heaven's Blogs I have so much resistance coming up, even though I find them very interesting, the ones I can understand and where I don't lose myself in word loops, I have tried talking to myself about it and reminding myself how much I enjoy them once I start reading, and yet, when I sit down, I fiddle, then I want to read the news first, then have a glass of water and spend 1 hour in the kitchen and some evenings I do so much that I manage to successfully forget to read them just to pile them up, with the anxiety that goes with 'being behind' to then have a marathon to bring myself up to date.

So what is it that I resist about Heaven's Blogs?

One point that I have seen clearly with Eqafe Material as well is that I resist anything that spells out that I am a robot and tries to explain the in depth mechanics of how we function.

I find this news to be the hardest I had to swallow since joining Desteni, not because I have in any way a doubt that I am not, just because there is a part of this Creation story that I find horrifying, terrible, scary and if possible I don't want to know about it, I don't want the gory details of how machine-like we have become because I secretly treasure all my other beliefs about how 'special we are' and that we were created by a loving and benevolent God and the gap between my previous knowledge and this information is so wide that when I attempt to close it I fear to fall into the crack to just never come back.

I have done the traditional cracking at the beginning, the shock and the trauma and then I began to be scared of being traumatised again, not knowing how much more trauma can I take in one life about myself and who I am as looking at myself as a machine is Not Cool and doesn't make me feel good about myself, in fact it makes me feel like shit, even though I came to this path by logic in a way, having seen humanity on an automated path and patterns of self destruction, automated like in automaton such as robotic, without tools for Self correction that I only found trough Desteni.

So basically, I don't want to go to Heaven, because Hell as where I am and what I know seems better, seems safer, and because every time I read one of these blogs the first thoughts that come up is the utter cruelty of this creation and the utter disrespect for Humanity as I see the suffering that yes, may be self inflicted, but we did not come here with an instruction manual and so what I don't want to face in Heaven's blog is the anger that I feel, the desire to kick down walls and shake the Creators while I shout 'how the fuck comes you could not see where all this was leading, you omnipotent, omniscient God of my Ass?' and guess what? Back to square one and the Righteousness of the Atlanteans, still holding the fucking grudge for having ended up here at the bottle neck of creation, the ''I' of the Needle to just have to walk back the whole Creation up to point Zero and face the truth, Creator, Creation and Created as One and Equal.

Tomorrow I Will walk my self forgiveness for the existential rage and the desire to not face the point that we are walking the consequences of what we set in motion while we were not self responsible Creators from the starting point of Oneness and Equality as What is Best for All.

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