Day 174: Are you Dressed like a Whore? Shut Up and Die

At 7 am this morning I went down to buy cigarettes and passed my baker friend's shop (friend as in someone I know and see regularly) and she called me in.

There was a little drama unfolding which took me a few moments to place together, a young girl who was sitting on a stool was scared to death, trembling and saying 3 men tried to kidnap her but she jumped on a bus and got off where she saw some open shops to ask for help.

My friend was not nice to her, she was irritated and patronizing, somehow in my mind I could not put together the news of this situation of danger and my 'friend''s attitude, this girl explained that 3 men, Romanian, had been following her with 2 cars and 1 van, my friend asked me if I could hold the line with the police as she had to work, as the police did not reply and the line died off, I offered to walk her to the taxi stand but she was too scared to get out of the shop and said the men were outside on the other side of the street, which was in fact true, 3 men stood there were no shops and for no apparent reason looking in our direction while my friend was on the phone to the Police and asked me to hold the line, which I did.

Don't have an emergency in Italy, if you are on hold with the police for 20 minutes it's not an Emergency line, it's an 'answer at your earliest convenience line', we live in a system where everyone is out for themselves, we have not started buying guns just because we have not thought about it yet on a mass scale, but that is where we are heading, as the fears escalate so will the desire to protect oneself, no matter what, 'll shoot your brains out if I have to, welcome to the year 2012 on Planet Earth. If you are in danger you have got to be lucky to survive, if she had not found a shop open what would have been of her? Finally they picked up, I explained the story and they told me our area was, on Tuesdays, not patrolled by them and to call the 'Army' instead as it was their shift. I asked if they think to be an Emergency service or what, they said nothing we can do, so we started again the hold the line with the Army patrol, altogether it took us 30 minutes to speak to them, by that time the baker's husband took the line and told them 'just come out, will you? - we the weaklings have to be helped out, a man coming on the phone is more believable that women who are saying the exact same thing- 3 men are still waiting outside  -which was true- and there is a young girl scared for her life", the phone call went on for over 15 minutes as we had to 'convince' them of the gravity of the situation. My friend justified the police, they don't want to come out, there are so many crimes of these kind and then 'they discover the girls are involved in some sort of deal with the men they want to be saved from.

What is this supposed to mean, I don't care WHY we have to convince them to come out, there is a young girl scared shitless for her life, 3 men wait for her outside, they tried to attack her, why is THIS NOT enough?

My lady friend told her raising her voice 'look, don't bullshit me, did you know these men? how come you are out at 7 am, have you been out all night?" the girl said yes, she said she was out with a friend that she knew for a month and maybe this friend had arranged this little kidnap number. Slowly I realized my friend believed she was in with the men, that her story was made up, unclear, yes it was odd that she knew the guys were Romanian and that her phone rang and she did not pick up, the baker's husband told me one of the first questions of the police was 'How is she dressed?', when I first heard the question I thought it was funny, what do you mean, winter is coming is 7 am, what do you think, a pink tutu?

Then ALL pieces came together, my friend attitude, the police questioning, what they were really asking was 'is she dressed like a whore?', which was what my friend was implying as well, you looked for it, even though she was NOT "dressed like a whore", she had trousers and a jumper she could have been any 18 year old kid, she could have been her daughter EXCEPT that she would NOT allow her daughter to stay out the night with a man she barely knows, and so this made her a whore without the 'whore uniform', because there is a 'whore uniform', it's the one that will give a man a boner, that is THE WHORE Uniform par excellence and since I did not register 'the Uniform' I missed out on all the interactions that were going on about her right to not be raped or kidnapped or thrown onto the street by a racket, women have to earn that right, because let's face it, a WHORE is not as worthy as a NON WHORE, her Life doesn't hold the same value, we want to believe she enjoys what she does, WHORE, we don't care as much either because a WHORE reminds us of how we failed as a society, of how our system that doesn't support Life, supports prostitution on one hand, a porn industry that is creating more and more deviants, an oversexualized society, sex as the means to an end and the last resort of women who have no education and not a chance to tap into the Money System, just to shun it with the other as a social shame, something we don't want to be a part of, so let's clear this up, "Is she dressed like a Whore?", then she should just shut the fuck up and die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my friend when she was being nasty with this girl instead of helpful as I could not see she was reacting out of Fear to be involved with a prostitution ring and what that would imply for herself and her business and basically her own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Prostitutes are worth less than other women because they took 'the easy way into the money system' which is an Urban legend because fucking men you don't like and that bring to the bed all their distorted desires and sexual perversions, including violence  cannot be 'the easy way out' of anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated with this girl when it downed on me that she must have known the men, because saying they are Romanian, is not like saying they are Chinese, which is a visible physical trait, and we don't have Romanian plates for cars, so I realized she must have known the men and hence she was lying which meant she was involved in whatever was taking place and not being honest about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react inside when I realized this girl was hiding something, without realizing that she was not being honest about it because she feared the judgements we would make if she did honestly say what really happened and that this habit we have of judging each other and the fear of judgement we have is part of the reason why we have developed a society of liars as we have not investigated how to stop these fears and just out ourselves so we can face the problems we have as a society and work to fix them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitution is 'women's fault' because they are the Sellers and they are doing the Pandering as in the exploitation of Men's weaknesses, when in fact if we had a system in place that supported Life Equally and women from birth to death we would see that men would be left with their 'weaknesses' to sort out by themselves and the alleged 'pandering' would immediately end, proving the system failure and not the women's failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Prostitution to burning tires on the highway, where women made bonfires to display their goods and entice men like moths to the flame and for seeing in this the sole women's responsibility, because if there was no flame there would be no moths attracted to it and therefore it was clearly women's fault and they should carry the blame and the shame for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more and superior than a prostitute because I have not done the tires bonfires even though I have done the 'dressed like a whore' according to what men defined as 'dressed like a whore', such as in dress in a way to excite their fantasies and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that we are all prostituting to a system for Money and that the degree to which we become visible in HOW EXACTLY we do that only depends by how much money we have to cover up the whoring we do in every field of life and as such none of us is better or more than a prostitute and by no means any of our lives is worth more than the life of a prostitute

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that the reason why we take away voting rights to prostitutes that have been caught prostituting, is because we don't want them in our society as they are not worthy of representing themselves as part of it and part of the vices and depravetion we practice in secret and that we in fact FEAR to have prostitutes admitted to the society as members of it, which they are, just because that would be the admittance of out utter failure as a society to protect everyone and guarantee a dignified life for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the association with prostitutes and the problems that may arise from it, and for reacting today when the 3 men left after the police drove the girl home, driving away, honking their horns which I  interpreted as scorn, as to say, 'we'll get her next time' and for feeling that there is nothing we can do to correct this system until we stand up and declare that this has to stop, that Money and Profit has to be removed as the driving force of this world, because it has made life worthless and there is nothing we won't do to secure our place within a system of abuse even if that means abusing and harming others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitute are not like other women, because they are stained, dirty and their choices are inexcusable, instead of seeing that I feared what I would have done in their place if I too was born on the edge of a society where my only choice was to sell my body or die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted with the story of Jesus and the Magdalene, as if that story proved the greatness of Jesus that he could 'even forgive a prostitute for her sins', a prostitute, the scum of the earth, the worst of the worse, missing out the message of the parable, the message of Equality and of Self Forgiveness, were a prostitute that holds the blame and the shame of this utter failed system can release herself by stopping to believe in her own inferiority to stand as an Equal to everything and everyone in Existence

I commit myself to promote the Equal Money System as a solution to the Wrongs of this World, which include Prostitution as having to sell your body to make a living as a last resort, while I walk this correction as myself as the system, to stop all abuses within and without

I commit myself to stand as an example of a process of Self Correction to show that we don't have to live this way, that whatever role we have played, the abuser or the abused and/or both, we can stand up and self correct this sorry excuse of an existence into what is Best for All, as we land back on this Planet together to see what is REALLY going on, what we are REALLY participating in and accepting and allowing and that any girl that ends up on the street could be your daughter, your sister, your mother and if we don't like this as a choice for our Family, why isn't the World our family, why do we justify Prostitution as something that always existed, always was, the oldest trade of all times, instead of registering the point that 'shit, have we been having THIS PROBLEM' for such a long time and not looked for a solution to it? Let's get on with it !

I commit myself to walk my own Self Correction into the physical and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

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Day 153: I'm not 'That Kind of Woman' - Character

So, part of my annoyance with the point I wrote about yesterday brought forward his Character, the "I'm not That Kind of Woman' Character.

It is a preposterous statement from someone who has been All kind of Women and is a Character that doesn't have a clear idea of what kind of woman I am not, according to the occasion I'm just Not "That Kind of Woman" that someone is showing to not like/prefer/ admire or want to count among their friends, there, I am not THAT one, I am the Other One, the one that is liked, preferred, admired and wanted among your friends.

As we walk looking at the Characters we created it's amazing how we can keep up the act, oh wait, we can't, this is why we are going mental, suffer from depression, find all possible alternative therapies to cure the existential dis-ease that we have, our personality dis-orders, in which we lose the ability to manage the crowd in an orderly manner, like an Orchestra Director having to deal with musicians who have lost the plot and are now attempting to blow into violins or drum on trumpets, really, how long can we keep up the act?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the expression 'that kind of woman' with a negative charge, based on how I perceived the expression 'those kind of women' charged by the people who used it to diminish other women and ostracize them as 'not belonging to our group', when I was a child and later on in my teen years

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I'm not that kind of woman' even though I am not even clear about what kind of woman I am not, having failed to notice that if I were not 'that' kind of woman as all the woman kinds I have listed as not 'being like that' I wouldn't even exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not be 'that kind of woman' as in the woman that I perceive is not liked, appreciated, desired, admired and thought well of by others, failing to see that I exist as if the opinion others have over me is more important than just being me, here in and as self expression within the simplicity of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than 'that kind of woman' not better identified but some kind of woman that I perceive is under criticism in a moment and to which I don't want to be associated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I am not that kind of woman' as the kind that seduces a man who is younger, like a cougar, according to the new disparaging definition of 'such a woman', when in fact in my life I have been that kind of woman having lovers 20 years younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uppity and self righteous when I fear that someone might have made up their mind about me as being 'that kind of woman' and for wanting to prove them wrong because if I can prove them wrong I won't have to experience myself as 'that kind of woman' as a negative judgement in diminishment and shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I become 'that kind of woman' in someone's mind is a problem, when 'that kind of woman' is only defined by me within my mind which means I am having a problem with me and not with the judgement of another, as I am only making up the judgement of another in my mind as I project a situation about myself and 'that kind of woman' as a woman that is -hopefully- less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file the definition of 'that kind of woman' as negative as in no good and I don't want to be or be thought or judged as a woman that is no good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called 'that kind of woman' even if just in the mind of someone around me and for trying to prove that I am NOT 'that kind of woman, doing things that make me feel ridiculous and pathetic as I battle with the imaginary dragons and phoenixes in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the expression 'that kind of woman' to diminish another woman in my own eyes and the eyes of others and rule out any competition that could lead me to lose out in comparison to their beauty and or attractiveness or a point within which I perceived myself as 'inferior' to them, that now includes youth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the world in this kind of women and 'that kind of women' leaving the category of those kind of women always open for updates and corrections to suit my perceived inferiorities so I could come out the winner in my imaginary competitions of and as the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when resorting to the thought I am not 'that kind of woman' because to not be that kind of woman I first had to participate in a judgement about 'what kind of woman that woman was' and then separate myself from the judgement I made as me being better than that Kind of woman, instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I have been all kind of women at all times and I stand Equal to every Woman that I have ever met or will ever meet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that when someone dislikes me or takes a distance from me, there is something wrong with me and he must have associated me with 'that kind of woman' which I desire to not be just because I don't want to experience the rejection and the judgement that is usually reserved for 'that kind of woman' to now be linked to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR to be 'that kind of woman', as the woman who is judged and pushed on the side of society because she is not fit to be part of the 'creme de la creme' because she is 'that kind of woman', the kind whose judgement we leave open and undefined to fit all possible situations and find a replacement and a walk in to any potential rejection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected by others, instead of seeing and realizing that I have always and only feared my own rejection based on my own self judgement of myself as someone that in a specific moment stepped out of a line of acceptable behaviour and into the realm of 'that kind of woman' who took it on herself to now be ostracized and pushed out of the group

When and as I see myself desiring to use the expression 'that kind f woman' or thinking about the expression 'that kind of woman', I stop, Breathe, I ask myself what 'kind of woman' am I thinking or desiring to speak about as a way to not be associated with what I fear to be me, or have judged to be me and then I commit myself to write out the point to release myself from my own self judgements and fears regarding being rejected or pushed out of a group

I commit myself to investigate my fear of rejection and to flag myself to see when I step into the desire to separate myself from other women through the expression 'that kind of woman', so I can correct myself to stand as any kind of woman anytime beyond my self judgement based on morality and cultural beliefs that I may still harbour within and as me

I commit myself to no longer participate in and as the Character that says/thinks about other women as 'that kind of woman' as that is a point of separation that is not best for me or best for all and within this I commit myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All deleting this Character once and for All 

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Day 134: Gender Hatred - Self Forgiveness

Anaclasis – A Haunting Gospel of Malice & Hatred (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I read that another woman has been attacked with acid throwing by her former lover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel entitled to hate men that violate women because I am a woman and I have to stand by my 'gender'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and to say that some men should be hanged by their balls and left there to die, failing to see that I have been and still am participating and fueling the same gender hatred I blame men for, and that there is no difference in hatred just because one seems 'justified hatred' while the other doesn't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because we do not go as low as such acts of violence and abuse as men seem capable of, instead of realizing both genders are a product of a sick society of fear and hatred and there is no difference but in the expression of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aways look for the points through which I can up a man to prove that I am better than them and would never go as low as they do with their expression of violence and hatred toward women, instead of realizing that desiring to diminish another to prove that I am better is an act of hatred and violence that has just not become physical yet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the toxicity we show to each other within relationships is who we really are and that it will never change because men are just basically bastards and they would do anything they can to put a woman down, instead of realizing I have done the same within my gender wars to make sure I would come out on top

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such relationships have a future as long as we hide and sugar coat the hatred for each other well enough, instead of seeing that we have to draw a line and STOP because we have gone as far as we could with gender hatred and it's time to put down the weapons, forgive the past and redefine how we want to relate to each other in a way that is supportive for who we are as life and as Honourable as the World we wish to see manifest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'men are stupid' because women can scheme and manipulate more efficiently than men, which could in fact be one of the very sources of the hatred men feel for us and then suppress as they get the manipulation point but not how we do it in the specific, which leaves them with a sense of frustration that bottled up leads to hatred and violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because they don't throw acid on a man's face, instead of seeing and realizing that each gender hits the other through what we perceive is their assets, so as men try to take away women's beauty as their market value, women go for their money as their market value, they just go about it when possible 'the legal way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the hatred and the fear that I felt for men within my life because that would not be 'ladylike' to dig up and look at as denial for women was always recommended, instead of seeing that we are mirroring each others' hatred which is ultimately our self hatred for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become while seeking for friction to keep this demented 'Energetic' creation in place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that rape is a result of a society in which sex has become a weapon just like everything else we engage with, and that we need to address everything that we have accepted and allowed because this Creation is tainted and damaged by our self Hatred that is manifesting through every possible Mean, from sexual to physical to verbal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when men blame women after they beat them or violate them seeking for excuses for the hatred that played out and they were not able to contain, instead of seeing that we blame men for the hatred that we feel for them and we do not manifest in the same ways

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that confining human expression to Genders leads to hatred for the expressions one believes to not have access to that belongs to the other gender and that one point we need to address is the self expression suppressed within our 'gender confinments' to allow any gender to express outside of our defined 'gender boundaries' to stop all suppressions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gender hatred because it was easy to direct my self hatred on the 'opposite sex' as the perfect way to put a space between myself and my projected hatred and because men always seemed to give us so many good reasons for it that it was hard to resist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the hatred that has been plaguing our genders in the relationship with each other because I perceived and defined men as the one having all the power, as in the Money/Survival power, instead of seeing and realizing that as I felt justified to hate them for the power I perceived they had, they felt justified to hate us for the power They perceived we have as the power to give birth to another life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that having split Us and Them into our different Perceived Powers within this World would lead to competition and comparison from which only one can come out as the Winner, and that to heal our relationships we have to stop competing and comparing what we have that they don't have and what they have that we don't have and instead accept our different expression as Life that doesn't make anyone of Us More or Less than another but just different in the Expression of Life that we Equally share

I commit myself to no longer react to news regarding this outbreak of violence against women as I work to equalize myself to men, outside of gender roles and preconceived gender based ideas, opinions and beliefs

I commit myself to stop my Gender hatred as I see realize and understand that it is not a Gender hatred but our Fears and self Hatred that we are manifesting on Each other that must be Healed and brought back to Self so we each can address the source as the thoughts that lead to the feelings and emotions that end up in expressions of violence and abuse

I commit myself to no longer support the Us and Them of this existence as it is not possible to be One if we cannot even overcome our perceived Gender Differences, and upholding a line to divide Men and Women is just an idea of separation within which we lose ourselves and forget that We are One and that anything that stands in the Way of the One as Self must be Healed and released, so we may come together as Life and What is best for All and return Home Here within the physical in the simplicity of Breath, for Ourselves and All of Existence, Equal and One

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Day 129: Please Molest me, Give me a Reason to Live.

Today I had a visit from a friend of a friend, a fiscal advisor that lives in my building and that had told me he was interested in sharing ideas about Natural Medicine.

As I showed him my house he made a few attempts to either hold me by my waist or over my shoulder, I simply slid out of every attempt but did not speak up, instead I moved into a famiiar physical uncomfortability, interesting that now the formal laguage is no longer a step men have to cross before they try to grab you, hey I can call you Madam and molest you, something that requires my updating in the customs of this Country, when I left 17 years ago, the language was the first pass they would have to make to step into informality before they would touch you.

Then when I held out my hand to say bye bye, he grabbed me pulled me toward him and planted a kiss on my cheek, a sleazy one, my body went into rigor mortis and so he apologized and told me you are wonderful and left. How to con one's way out with a con-pliment ? When he left I felt this rage, I was so angry at myself as I saw myself not saying clearly 'what are you meaning with this behavior, or something else' right, I did not say anything because I don't know what to say. I have been molested since I was a kid, either grabbed on buses and rubbed against, walked in the park when an exhibitionist wanked himself looking at me and gesturing to go over there, yeah right, for one year when I was between 13 and 14 I had more molestation than I can recall, the bus was a place I entered fearing that it would happen again, as soon as it would fill up someone would come and rub against my ass, when I went and complained to my mother she said 'isn't it strange that it only happens to you?". The year before I was molested in my bedroom by our family friend, a monk who used to stay overnight that told me to go to his bed for a Confession.

I don't remember even starting the Confession rite, I remember instead him being horny and grabbing me to  try to put his hands under my nightie and forcing a kiss on my mouth until I stood up and went and locked myself into the bathroom, sat on the bathtub to think what would be the best course of action, waking up my mother was a nono, what if she blamed me ? She didn't that time, the Monk robe was flying out of the window by the time I reached the courtyard, but that was extreme. My mother saw the other molestations as my fault, I did not wear make up or high heels, never wore a skirt, just jeans and shirts, so how was that my fault exactly. yet  believed I must be doing something wrong, no matter what  tried, no eye contact, standing against the bus sides, nothing worked, when we could queue to get off, here they were, I noticed that most of them had blue eyes, tried the molester profiling in my head but you would always get the surprise to throw you off, the monk had brown eyes, he was a family friend since my birth, he was really difficult to profile and to be on guard about.

Today I felt the same way, violated, a thing and not a person, when this man later called me to tell me he did not have my mobile and how could he send me his number I gave it to him, while my anger at myself worsened, WHY the fuck would I give my number to this man, isnt' there a line to draw regarding the Politeness Belief System? Apparently NOT, I listened to his speech about how great it was to meet me, realized he had not picked up enough on my body rigidity and pulling back, when he said what a fantastic time he had and how I was this and that, but in fact I wasn't Hearing anything as I was seething with this feeling of 'how did you dare?' And as soon as I saw the chance I said 'and I am someone who doesn't want any story'.

What a fucking lame line? To which he said 'no, not a story that is heavy stuff, coffee, chatting, as friends'  which means no commitment just fucking, haha my own line backfired and pushed me into a corner, well done. Yet the point of the litanies and fairy tales of past molester staid with me, this sense of hatred that I have suppressed for men due to how I perceived myself everytime one of these events would take place, feelings of powerlessness, fear, no man is a safe place in fact, there are no borders they won't cross, it happened with one of my mum's partners as well, twice, the first time I did not tell, the second I did. My mum asked me to leave her house as she said that 'I was jealous of her sexuality', I was 18 and had a boyfriend and plenty chances for fucking, and No, she is Not a comedian.

That was the only time I spoke up in the moment, both the first and the second time.

So what is it about women and Molestation that makes us keep quiet, that we don't want to offend, that we fear we may be judged as 'sour puss" or 'wooden cunts' as they say in Italy, how did we come to this place where it is Women who have to justify everything, from molestation to Rape, to being attacked and abused, what is it that locks us into this perverse dance with the abusers?

Today I am angry, I am angry for all the times I have not stood up to a man and told him to keep his hands to himself, clearly, no double entendre to sweeten the pill, just the clear communication that I don't like what you are doing, so why are these words lacking from my vocabulary?

In all my history of molestation apart from my mum's partner, but that may have been coerced out of me due to the 'family tie', I stood up only once for a little girl on the bus when I saw a man approaching her and touching her, I saw it from her face, she said nothing but I told her to come and sit next to me, I gave him the evil eye and he got off at the next stop, for the rest I always went for the 'soft approch' when it happened on crowded buses I would try to slide away, leaving the molester to look for another victim, with the monk I got up and locked myself into the bathroom, with friends, colleagues wankers anyone, I have always and only diverted my attention and tried to 'make them understand' that I was not interested, choose words to blame me, sorry I am going through a difficult time, it's not about you it's about me, so I would not hurt their feelings through a rejection, because hei, even molesters have feeings, shouldn't we keep that into account?

Actually NO, we should stop considering their feelings AT ALL and stand up, make it CLEAR that handling women as if they were just things there for the handling is Not Acceptable, that molesting children is Not Acceptable because whatever is going on in Your fucking Mind You/We have got to deal with it, take responsibility for it, and not go out and just play out on others The Demons that we have let loose within our Minds.

Do you have the desire to molest women, to rub on them, to grab them against their will, to rape them?

Help yourself to STOP, We don't like it, it is your fucking fantasy that We do, reality is not a Porn movie, when you grab a woman against her will she will not turn around and Moan to show you how much she likes it or how long she has been waiting for you as her reason to live, she will instead feel violated, disrespected as a Human being and then angry at Herself for not having stood up and told you clearly that it is Not OK unless it is by mutual agreement and that silence doesn't mean agreement in any way whatsoever, and that what you are doing is not Sexy, you are just a DickHead putting your desire for sex above the understanding that unless is Mutual it's by default a NO and not, ever ever, a YES.

Self forgiveness and Self Commitment to stop this Play out in My Life to follow tomorrow

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Day 52: The Price of Inequality

I have been walking this point of Gender Inequality for some time now because I see it has been one of my favourite friction points that I have used to make myself feel more than men, while all the while fearing to be less, less in everything, included worth, just by birth.

For a couple of days I have been seeing a realization coming up about my beliefs of being a seductress and thus having All The Blame, in what went on between me and men, basically NOT giving them Equal Responsibility for our Relationships.

Funny because while I felt bad about it, I also felt MORE than them, first because I had the power to create such mess All By Myself and then because I was willing to take All The Blame.

What I missed about all this anger that I have carried for so many years against men about Them Always Having It Easy from Cradle to Grave and how we had to fight for Equality, was that this fight was only going on within and as myself, having accepted and allowed the beliefs of my culture about women vs men to become me, imprinting myself with the knowledge of our inferiority in everything from strength to wages (which was the biggest pisser), just to then turn into a Feminist in Garters, to show them who was Boss, through the Game of Sex and Seduction, ironic how I believed I was in charge of THAT at least !

 

The price of this was, that since I had become unwilling to give Men Equality within relationships in my balancing act attempting to not be squashed by the gender stereotype, where I had to be Boss, I ended up not even giving them the Equal responsibility of our mess ups.

You can't have your cake and eat it, want to be Boss ? Then it's all Your Responsibility, or you can become an Equal, and share the power and the responsibility.

It is the same in our world, we either stop to be more than others to become Equals or we have to pay the Price of our Choice, carry it all, the Blame and the Responsibility, instead of standing as Life One and Equal, sharing the World and our responsibility to ourselves and What is best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for our gender inequalities, instead of seeing we are both born out of a system that designed us to play specific gender roles and no one is faulty or blamable but both responsible for standing in and as the Change to equalize ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and their power that I have believed to be greater than the power of women, instead of seeing I am always responsible for the dis-placement of my power outside of myself in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in having fucked men around, because I saw this pride trait in men and I associated it with the greater power I believed they had over women, and  copycatted them to be like them, greater than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make men suffer for the faults of all men in the history of mankind and what they did against women, Instead of seeing the point of self responsibility and how since the beginning of time we have given it our power away within and as the 'idea and belief of the Stronger Man'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for all my gender play outs, instead of seeing I have been acting out my predesigned life and the stance I took within the role and design I accepted and allowed myself to play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the role they played within the world system, instead of seeing both genders as the twisted design born out of separation into inequalities and fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men as my main point of friction, in which I would get a feeling of a high in and when I could 'beat them' within words to make myself feel more while I participated endlessly within the inferiority and superiority construct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that I could never get what I was not willing to give and that not giving men Equal responsibility for our mutual fuck ups was my desire to not recognize their Equality to me and therefore I have never got to experience Equality within my relationship with Men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Blame men for the Inequality I believed existed due to their having been born in a situation/position of privilege, instead of realizing that it was the Equality that I was not willing to share within our responsibility for the way our Relationships turned out that led me to experience Inequality at every level of every relationship with men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my issues of Inequality outside on the easy target of gender, instead of seeing I was living Inequality as me, within me and that I would never be able to experience what I was not giving to myself first as Self as One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see that I could NEVER get what I was not willing to give and for NOT giving what I desired to have to myself and to everyone Equally

I commit myself to walk the giving of everything I perceive I lack to myself first and foremost, to bring myself into Equality and Oneness with myself as Self as One and Equal, Stopping all the Blame for what I am not experiencing on the outside, because anything that I am not yet living or experiencing is because I have not yet given it to myself, as One as Equal, As Life and everything that exists.

Day 38: You Only Live Once

Today my ex Lover Never to Be My Employer contacted me for the feedback on what he has sent me to evaluate.

Since he set the date for our meeting my mind has been pre-occupied with it, many thoughts, one point  I saw is that I had not been clear in my communication, I have hinted that he would have to stay in a hotel by asking if he had one already booked, have hinted that it should be a lunch and not a dinner and hinted that we could NOT talk about that One Night, but today I saw everything was hanging there and I see that I have decided, already 5 years ago that it had to be an indulgence of one night because the persistence had built up to a point of no return, but I would not indulge in the 'relationship' with a married man. he would have been the 3rd of my life, the 2 that went before him had been a disaster, no matter what I tried to not be involved I ended up sucked in and then I ended up being the only one to suffer.

From each of these relationships I got worse, the first I left it in a breath and never looked back, the second i left it and never looked back but every time he came to HK he would get drunk and then pester me all the time after dinner or in the middle of the night about the point that 'we needed to talk about the company we shared', possibly in his bedroom, it never happened after I decided to stop but it left a wake of bitterness on both sides.

Funny, because I did not even want him or the one before to leave their wives, so the bitterness was not that I did not get them, a point that would have terrified me, just the point that again I had myself all involved in emotions and feelings and feeling part of a secret game that I did not like.

Actually there was a 4th as well, we shared a week while on holiday, this one wanted to leave his girlfriend with whom he had 2 kids, a detail that had gone unspoken out of forgetfulness when we started to see each other. This one I heroically put back on a plane to go back to his family life, and then regretted it.

So, the 4th one in chronological order was the result of a pattern, by then I was sure I did not enjoy the romance with the married men, it made me feel dirty and part of a plot against women which I disliked, as I said to myself, just One Night, and I will let him go, which I did.

Which I didn't as well, because I have been all over the place for a week now.

So today I gave myself courage to be clear about where I stand, to stop this tension, so I told him his project is not ready to be taken to China and that he should not come to Milan at all and we should not meet for dinner, since we have no business to talk about.

I said as well that we are obviously a dangerous match, making obvious to myself that I do not trust myself to stand through this decision after a year of no sex, that he would have me at 'Hello' and being confused about why I would NOT want this while I want it so much, asking myself if I have moved into morality and self judgement or if I have just moved into wanting to walk what is best for all, which cannot be a night of sex with a married man with 4 kids that could maybe in the future as well have a job opportunity for me, that could not play out if I screw it up for lust only, not considering the con-sequences for myself and everybody else involved, no matter if I know them or not.

So when I finally did bring up the point, the damn broke loose and he said 'why do you say that' and I said 'because we have a history and I don't want to repeat it and I have enjoyed you as a man, one of the few I have not regretted :)' and then he said 'me too, as a woman, I have a wonderful memory of Us, and then he said 'There is only One Life Ele, we must live It'. This made me cry.

The reason for the tears was that I felt I am not living, that I am not taking this one opportunity for a Great Energy Fix to boost up my Ego and therefore, I am Not Alive and I felt as well that something of me died, that I am not the same Woman anymore and that maybe I had more Fear than it was necessary, because I would have stood, I am already standing and why do I sell myself so short about being able to Live By Principle and not by Energy, just because I have been an Energy/Feeling Junkie and I fear I won't give up that without putting up a fight.

Yet, there was no Fight, only a little Tantrum as I stepped on my Old self which lived only as Thoughts/Feelings and Emotions and not as Principle and What is Best for All.

Do we only Live Once ? Then we better make this One Life count.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself with fear and anxiety about the point that I may have let myself down on my decision to not engage this Great Lover, just Once More

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the loss of who I have been as if something of me died because I did not say 'yes  fuck it, we only live once'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions for the married men I met in my life, because I knew that if I participated in Feelings and Emotions I would be screwed yet I did participate and just suppressed them into and as my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conjure up Feelings and Emotions for married men so I would not have to face the point that I felt guilty for engaging married men considering this is not what I would have wanted done onto me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty abut my relationships with married men an for thinking 'I am not the married one' as if it was never my responsibility to make decisions that keep all parties involved into consideration, but I just had to consider myself and what was best for me as an Ego personality and everyone else, just screw them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that there is a right and wrong regarding Relationships with married men, instead of seeing it is not a morality point or a point of self righteousness that I need to live out but just to be self honest about why I want what I want, and in this case, why I want to use another and fuck up mine and their life just for a night that will make me feel 'good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I can only 'feel good about myself' through energy fixes and that 'feeing good about myself' defines me as who I am instead of seeing this only defines me as 'feelings and emotions' and a slave to conciousness, I am not a slave to consciousness as me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as Self Honesty in my life but to make up ideas and stories and justifications about why I did what I did and why it was Ok even though I saw clearly that others struggled with emotions and feelings about sex and sexuality we shared briefly and that walking away after having engaged them was not necessarily what is best for all but just what was best for me so I would not have to walk through the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage married men on a 'love vibe' even for one night, because I needed that Love vibe to not feel slutty and I did not care that the next day they may be confused and feel awkward about it as long as I got what I needed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself 'You only live Once, better enjoy it' because  within this sentence I accepted and allowed myself to exist as someone that did not care about consequences believing that once I am done with all my One Life fuck ups, that is it, and someone else may have to tackle the wake of disasters I have left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a right and wrong to live by because then every time I lived on the wrong side of my self designed morality code, I felt diminished and guilty, instead of seeing I need no morality to live by, because in self honesty I can assess in every moment whatever it is that is in front of me and make a decision for what is best for all and best for me and then just walk my decision

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to do what is best for all and for fearing that I would let myself down just because I have occasional mind tantrums and a few tears, that I can see are tears of self manipulation to con-vince me that in fact 'I Only Live Once' and so what is it to me to bite that Apple, yet I have memories of the last forbidden fruit we ate as women that did not turn out so well after all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embody the seductress and the snake of existence, where in my sexual innuendos and mind games I willfully created storms in the mind of men I engaged for the sole purpose to boost my Ego careless of the wake of instability that I left behind me or of the desires that I played out in ways for which I could not be blamed, walking the tightrope of femininity and seduction just enough to never make my games too obvious or the point that I was fucking with the mind of men too evident

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my duty as a woman and an admirable skill to be able to fuck with the mind of a man and then just walk away not talking responsibility for how I had worked them up just to walk away and be the winner in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget one man from this list, because this proves how men for me have just been games I played and how I have never really cared about what they faced after a night of infidelity, from the first timer to the serial cheater

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tease men into a position of desire just to gain energy in the males vs females mind games, careless about how they felt for desiring another woman when married and for putting pictures in their mind using words to link them to me and keep them within my power

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy having power over men about the mind and sexuality game and for letting them believe 'they were on top' because grandma taught me that we must wear the crown but not let them know we do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over men to reestablish a sense of justice in this unfair men's world in which unless we are devious and cunning, we'll be run over and eaten alive by men and then soon be forgotten

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be unforgettable to men because by imprinting myself in their minds I made them my slaves to balance the point that I felt I was born in a world where women are slaves to men 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate men because I felt and believed and desired to be their slave and made them responsible for what was going on inside of me that I could not explain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men because We are Slaves to Men by Birth, instead of seeing, we are both slaves to Consciousness, equally  self designed to harm each other and that whatever blame we place on each other will just close the cage we live in a little tighter, instead we both have to stand, take self responsibility for how and why we participate in games that make us foes instead of being Equals as Life, walking together a path of Self Support as Life as One and Equal and walk to become the partners we wished we had to each other, so that all wars between genders may stop 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated men when in fact I have always and only hated myself for who I became, what  said and thought around men and for believing that hate/hatred is real and who I am in relation to men and relationships

When and as I see myself about to approach a man as a personality, as something I like to pretend to be and not who I am here stable as Breath and I see that I am moving into a reaction of any kind, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if and when I am reactive I am in and as The Mind, so I breathe to clear myself before I speak or move or do anything that is involved with engaging men in any environment

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument with a man because that would make me more than him, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I have approached this point is because I have moved into a point of inferiority and so I stop, look at the inferiority point I have accessed, delete the energy charge through SF spoken quietly inside of me before I speak or do anything, to make sure I am not into and as a point of inferiority or I will attack to show myself that I am not less but I am in fact More

I commit myself to dissect my mind in relation to men and my relationships with them  to see where has the friction with men started in my world and why I have repeated patterns of relationship failures with men both in my private life and at work, so I may undo the original patterning, release myself and others from my patterned behaviour and rewrite myself in and as self correction into What is Best for All as Life and What is Best for Me, One and Equal