Last night at 1.30 am my car switched her engine off and left me stranded with another 3 friends in the car and a total of 3 dogs.
I was aware that at some levels I felt ashamed with my friends because when I was a kid my mum always had shitty cars that gave us all sorts of troubles, cars I had to push to kick start in front of everyone watching me and I connected shitty cars to being poor and hence something to be ashamed about. Funny how being poor in our society doesn't seem to be bad enough, we managed to attach blame to being poor - hence the shame most poor people live with -day in and day out.
While I sough for a solution, I remembered I had an insurance that would cover road assistance for break downs but I could not find the card with their number, so I looked on Internet, found their 24 hrs toll free number and called.
I told the operator I was insured with Unipol Sai, I offered to give my policy number but he said he didn't need it and I though - wow, we have become so efficient with all this technology, I was feeling sorry for my friends as well who had things to do early this morning but waited with me for 1 hour until the car was towed away and we could call a taxi to go home.
So I kind of bottled up some emotions about it and then this morning a gingerly guy called me to tell me I had called the wrong number last night and I would be charged for the assistance, the more he tried to explain how 'I' made the mistake, the more I saw myself 'losing it'.
First thing I was really pissed off about was that he insisted that 'I called the wrong number' as in wanting to shift the responsibility on me about them not telling me 'you called the wrong number' right away, which seemed to be the normal obvious thing that should happen in such cases - how do I know the number is wrong if the guy knows what my policy covers, doesn't ask for the number and says I am covered for towing the car away? Bloody mind reading?
I was positive I was NOT going to pay for this mistake, but I got angry anyway, like being angry would add weight to our verbal transaction because the one angry is usually right and the one not angry -wrong.
I am aware that this is a cultural glitch in my make up and I will now write out this episode to release all the charges I have accumulated inside me and to bring this idea that 'getting angry will sort things out' to a closure as this belief is not best for me nor for anyone else involved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my car broke down, to feel ashamed toward my friends fearing that I would look like a 'loser', someone who doesn't have everything together and for going back in the same emotional state I felt while I was a kid and my mother had all those shitty cars that I had to push to kick-start when I was nicely dressed up- specifically to escape the impression that we were poor, by comparison to my grandparents, something I felt ashamed and inferior about
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that poor people must be ashamed of their poverty as a testimony of a life of fuck ups, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that many people that can't get to the end of the month in this world have made all the best possible choices Available to Them, because choices are for the chosen Rich Ones and the less money one has, the less choices
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum as a loser as I grew up because she could not afford a car that would always start without fail and for blaming her for how I experienced myself when I had to run after the car to kick start it, blaming her for feeling diminished, exposed and not good enough to have a good car instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these emotions were the result of how I copied the perception of my grandparents about my mother, who wanted to blame her for being an underachiever so they could avoid feeling guilty for never helping her out in the first place - no matter the fact that my mum worked like a dog and raised a child all by herself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that blaming the poor, shaming them and belittling their whole existence is what we all still collectively do to not have to take responsibility for the system of inequality that we have created, where some drive million dollar cars while others get all the crap left overs be that about cars, homes, food, water and quality of air and life and within this I forgive myself for participating in the system of inequality perceiving myself both as a poor with all the negative emotions that go with it and a rich with all the positive feelings that go with it, instead of stopping and considering that we could all get off this energetic wheel by creating a system that works for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when this morning the guy called me trying to push the blame for the fuck up on me, to go livid and tell him that it was worrisome how they were even trying to do that, considering that if someone calls me in the middle of the night to have their car towed away and I am not their insurer I would say 'wrong number' while not considering all the time I have done the exact same thing, refining this art to a T in away that I still apply to my current job, where I immediately look for how I can make another responsible for a company fuck up so we don't have to be blamed about it - and in that case I look at it as a 'skill'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become skillful in the art of blaming others for my fuck ups, always seeking for ways to not take responsibility for who I am and what I have become and to consider that 'an art, a quality, something to be praised for, especially in the workplace' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that taking responsibility will have to start at my own individual level and weave out in everything I touch and do, for me to be a contributor to change in this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get angry I have more leverage, more chances to get things to work my way, that pushing back someone who is being abusive with anger is justified and not equally abusive and within this for fearing that unless I get 'really angry' I won't be able to deliver home what I see as the natural outcome solution where a mistake has been made and it's clear where the responsibility lies, be that with myself or others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get really angry as a joining in into my cultural heritage, where Italians are perceived to be short fused, hot blooded, fiery and for attaching a positive feeling to all these aspects as in belonging to a specific group, excusing therefore myself for not changing because 'that's the way we are', like I can't do anything about it when in fact I can do something about it, like change and stop justifying why this is the best way to operate just because it worked all my life, although I know I have not yet explored alternatives to this behavior that may deliver the same result without my participation in energetic play outs for which, by the way, I have to always end up apologizing instead of avoiding them in the first place, no matter how justified my participation in anger may seem in a specific moment
When and as I see myself triggered into believing something is taking place for which I perceive have been wronged, duped, tricked, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that my usual response to these triggers in the past has been anger, breathe and see how can I deliver the point of my own rights in a non confrontational manner that can bring about a solution, that doesn't need to be energy driven
When and as I see myself thinking 'this anger is plenty justified', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that there is no good reason for needing anger to explain myself or to prove that on an agreement/contractual point I am right, even if and when I become aware that the other person is attempting to blame me for something that it's entirely their responsibility such in the case that took place last night
When and as I see myself wanting to 'give them a piece of my mind', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that mostly there is nothing in my mind worth sharing in a moment where I am on the brink to be overcharged with an energetic possession and that I could explain myself more clearly when not possessed by energetic reactions that drive automated behaviors in me, that don't allow me to see clearly what is going on and what position I must take to direct a point to a solution
When and as I see myself thinking 'see, it worked because I got angry', I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that most times what I had to say just worked because it made sense, because there was a logical approach to it and a fair understanding of the situation and its implication and that the anger point is really just redundant, unnecessary and not at all what sorts things out but something I end up having to apologize for - meaning, was not the right thing to do in any case, in the first place
I commit myself to sort out this point of 'Anger Management' as in using Anger to manage things
I commit myself to remind myself that I have clearly seen into this point and written out this script I can fall back on to direct myself the next time I see myself tempted to use this approach to sort things out
I commit myself to giving up my energetic experiences for the self interest of a short lived high - in favour of a life of substance that works for myself and for all existence, Equal and One