Monday, September 23, 2013

Day 357: I am not 'The Fonz'

When I was a kid there was a show on TV called 'Happy Days'.

I liked The Fonz, he was the cool guy of the group and while I liked everything about the most famous show ever to introduce both 'The American Way of Life' and 'The American Dream', I liked him best because everyone was impressed by him and everyone feared him.

It is amazing to look back at the models that shaped who we have become as we have picked and mixed people's characteristics to come up with personalities decent enough to walk on the stage of this world without feeling lessened by our own presence and how much Hollywood worked hard to churn out more and more characters that we could copycat, finding our own 'originality' by piecing together the things that stood out as 'valuable' -to create value for ourselves, never realizing how unoriginal in fact we have all become nor that the people we worshiped where characters too, that outside of the screen they had troubled lives more often than not, lives of which we knew nothing nor cared to know about because we were always and only looking for 'accessories' to add to our 'projected images' so that we may be more than others as we accepted that life is nothing but a competition for survival.

One of the most famous of Fonz quirks was his inability to say 'I'm sorry', understandably so, he was the coolest guy who was always right and when not he could make others so afraid they would be the ones conceding to him that they were wrong infact.

So I associated the word cool with 'never say sorry' and this is one point that came up the other day when I did something I could have avoided, someone around me reacted and said what I said was hurtful and made him feel exposed as if there was no safety in our relationship and then because I couldn't in the moment say I was sorry I went on to list what He had done wrong which was more serious, had more weight, was more reproachable than my joke, all the while entertaining the nagging feeling that I could have just said 'I'm sorry' and stop myself from participating in needless retaliation seeking to be right at all costs when I was not at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that saying 'I'm sorry' within intimate relationships is Not Cool and for defining coolness within the behavior of 'never say I am sorry'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be cool because being cool meant an extra buffer between me and the rest of the world which I believed I needed for extra safety instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was just afraid of others because I feared myself and what was going on in my mind about others and I assumed they may have the same stuff going on about me in their mind -and that was frightening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking the words 'I am sorry' within an intimate relationship, to perceive a loss of power, a diminishment in the admission that I was wrong and had made a mistake instead of seeing and realizing that by my saying 'I am sorry' I was in fact correcting the mistake I had realized I made and not in any way diminishing or belittling myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear saying 'I am sorry' within my intimate relationships in case the other was keeping a black book about me, as I did about them, where they noted all my mistakes so they could call me out any time like my mother did and like I did to others as I copied the pattern of behavior that my mother showed me within a 'close relationship'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes in case they would be held against me for the natural duration of my life because I never seemed to do good enough to delete my mistakes from the black book my mother held against me and for believing that it was appropriate and convenient to hold a black book of others' mistakes so I could use them to put them back in their place whenever I saw fit or whenever I felt myself threatened into having to admit I had made a mistake myself but theirs was graver, more serious, they were in fact wrong-er than I ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that we have to participate in this score keeping about others and our own mistakes, never letting go and within this supporting the construct of the unforgiving nature of this world because what is acceptable for me, what I allow in the small manifests in the big and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that there is no value in score keeping regarding miss-takes of myself or others but only in the practical application of my correction as I show myself that I am taking response-ability for my words, thoughts and deeds all the way into self correction and as I keep walking my self corrections I accumulate the self trust about my ability to change, my ability to not repeat what has not worked in the past for myself and others equally and within this self trust I can trust others, I can give others the benefit of the doubt so that they too may walk their self correction instead of being held down by my ledger of wrong doings that defines them and me equally as unforgiving and unforgiven

When and as I see myself feeling resistance when I see that I should apologize for something I said or did, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen clearly this point as a desire for value above another and that I no longer want to support my mind's desire to be more than another through my unforgiveness and that I want a forgiving world for myself and others so that we may realign to Life, let go of all our past mistakes and move together to find solutions that work for all

When and as I see myself desiring to take out my little black book where I mark other people's mistakes, I stop, breathe, tell myself that those little black books are the holes that we dig for ourselves individually and collectively and I no longer wish to be part of this system of blackmail of each other through our past mistakes, instead I breathe to let go and make sure I don't file anything about myself or another for later use

When and as I see myself fearing to lose value within a moment in which I can clearly see I should apologize, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no value in being right and making someone else wrong, that this values are only values of me as The Mind ans as such not valuable at all, instead I move for the value of supporting another as myself, as Life, within a movement of forgiveness of myself to end the desire of wanting to be right making someone else wrong as I see realize and understand that a forgiving world requires my forgiveness, the absolute forgiveness of myself first so I can extend it to others one and equal

I commit myself to, whenever I see myself being wrong, before I move into the Mind to look for excuses and justifications about why I am entitled to do so, be so, act so, to stop, breathe and ask another the forgiveness that I grant myself in the breathe I take, before I speak to take my responsibility for an interaction that did not work out to what is best for all.

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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a paranoia regarding flood of words and then translated that into a paranoia of communication in fear that one never knows where good words with good intentions land in the mind of another due to my relationship with my mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is a problem with words that cannot be corrected with good intentions but has to be corrected in writing as we redefine them to stand absolute as a point of stability within our communication with ourselves and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when not enough communication is going on to clear all the doubts that come up in my mind, to immediately move into a paranoid state in which I look for the 'real' reasons for the missing communication as if communication was a duty to be carried out only on the other side of the equation and not on my side as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to be led by my mind into conjectures and reasoning about lack of communication to justify why it is not up to me to do the work of communicating and why I am entitled to my mind errands as I work out the hidden reasons for the lack of communication vs asking and clarifying the points with another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no sound reason for what I do within my mind when I go and seek for reasons to explain to myself why communication is not happening as those are just excuses I seek to not have to take the responsibility of communicating with another because I accepted and allowed myself to hang on to previous experiences of 'communication gone wrong' with my mother and then turned my past experiences into my guide for all future communications and the reason why I should not engage in it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when having doubts about a point I have not communicated about, go and seek for reasons of my wrongdoing as I repeat the patterns that I learnt in my life with my mother where she would ask me to go to my room and 'think abut what I did wrong' which was mainly her own paranoia projected on me and then I took the habit to immediately move to seek for 'what did I do wrong' when communication with another is not taking place effectively because I assumed everyone must have the same behavioral glitches I saw in my family and that when communication is not taking place it's my fault because I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame another when communication is not taking place effectively, because now I am an adult and hence I have gained the right to occupy my mother's position to tell another 'go to your room and think about it' to work out why I am not effectively communicating, blaming on them why my communication is not taking place as a 'payback' for something they did wrong or did not do, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have a choice about repeating patterns as I can self correct and rewrite for myself how I will behave in-stead and not in the image and likeness of someone who did not know better than passing on their own glitches to me in a copy and paste fashion

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the words 'we have to talk' which extend to meetings, gatherings, getting together of people who 'want to talk' when the talking has not so far proven effective in my life but mostly unpleasant when not just a waste of time and within this for accepting and allowing myself to associate the need of others to communicate about a point to something boring, grievous, unpleasant and for dismissing it as unnecessary instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that it is because I have not overcome the experience of words as weapons that I rather abstain, refrain and hope that everything works out by itself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope that things can work out by themselves relative to communicating with another when in fact I have no physical experience of ever resolving anything by letting time go by, or by pretending everything was just fine instead of standing and directing the point to a solution that works for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with memories of unpleasant talks that I could not escape within my family and for then labeling all potential talks as unpleasant and for believing I had the right to assert my non compliance finally as an adult with the unpleasantness of a required talk, chat, attempt at communicating, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it was my own labeling of communication as unpleasant that generated resistance within me every time a point relative to communication was approached and never communication per se

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern that goes from lack of communication -frustration - blame - desire for retaliation as I copied this design from my family instead of taking responsibility for the starting point of lack of communication without engaging a pattern of behavior in automation vs standing and directing the point in self responsibility

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish those that fail in their communication with me without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am perpetrating an ineffective pattern of behavior that is not best for all and that it is my responsibility to correct myself to not allow myself to do to others what was done to me and I did not like at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shield myself from words, my own and others, in fear that words may harm, hurt, may make a situation that was hanging on a thread precipitate beyond the possibility to fix it and within this for giving up on words in separation from myself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I could correct them, I could dis-harm them and return them to be one and equal to myself as self expression

When and as I see myself starting to go off in my mind wondering why someone is not communicating with me effectively, I stop, breathe, bring this point back to myself and see how I can improve communication between myself and another as one

When and as I see myself looking for conspiracy theory reasons why another is not communicating effectively with me, I stop, breathe, bring this pattern back to myself and move myself physically to correct the point of communication between myself and another as one

When and as I see myself seeking to evade a conversation, a discussion, a meeting, a chat, an interview in fear that I will be flooded with words, with their redundancy, with their never ending loops, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is a fear I have created that I can correct by moving myself in and as breath instead than moving myself in and as the mind within justifications and excuses to why I am entitled to bail out from a chance to communicate with another/others

When and as I see myself walking the pattern of desiring isolation to stop the flooding of words into my life, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I perceive words as invasive because I have separated myself from them in an attempt to not take responsibility for all the harmful words I have spoken against another/others and within this I remind myself that I stand forgiven as I have forgiven myself for my past participation in and as words and that I have to in fact express myself and use words as me to change the pattern in the physical and leave behind who I have been within words for good

I commit myself to explore all the aspects of my resistance to communication and to words and to stand one and equal to my words to no longer create the illusion of separation between me and my words

I commit myself to let go of my past misuse of words as I see, realize and understand that I cannot move forward until I chain myself to my past with and as words and that it is my response-ability to reprogram myself into an effective communicator and a patient listener within words as me as self expression

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to indulge in the paranoia of the whys and hows but to check in the physical with another about what was the meaning of what they tried to convey or why have they not been in touch and communicating as to not allow myself to create needless backchat in my mind

I commit myself to self responsibility around the point of communication
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Thursday, August 22, 2013

Day 351: Intimate Relationships - The Dwelling of My Paranoia

We are reconsidering the Paranoia topic for a week.

Last night we had a look at the Paranoia Design. I wish I saw that 20 years ago because it would have saved me much grief in my personal/intimate relationships.

Basically, Paranoia is a consequence of our participation in and as the Mind, as such everything counts, the little reactions one brushes off as insignificant or even worse, as justified, the thoughts, the memories, everything that has an energetic value that is not accounted for and directed will accumulate and finally land one into an Alternate Reality, from which the story doesn't end, from the Alternate Reality as in a whole Made up World of assumptions and con-clusions one keeps feeding the design until the bubble bursts, usually in my experience, wreking absolutely uncalled-for havoc.

I was extensively paranoid when I smoked pot, that was the time when my habit of doing the above bled over into every facet of my existence and ended up into me losing the relationship with my best friend due to this specific behavioral pattern, because of accumulating things I believed she did, said, thought, which I viewed through specific intentions and I kept going until all hell broke loose.

Interestingly, even as I was doing that I had somewhat an awareness that 'I' was the problem, for me it was quite easy because having accepted myself as a pot addict, my whole life was continuosly in question, my choices were questionable, my thoughtts were questionable and then finally my memory became questionable until I could not trust my mind at all -ever and I perceived myself hostage of a creation I had no clue how I had created and how to stop, mostly it happened under my non-watch, one single step at the time further fucking myself into the depths of my delusions.

One of the things that I found really screwed me to the bone was isolation and solitude, those are places that only healthy well balanced people should go and visit and I was not one of those, I don't even know many of them either, isolation and solitude are actually the last resort of the Paranoid, the place where we go and pretend to thrive so we won't have to face the fact that we basically fucked up All our relationships, no matter how good we have become to justify the righteousness of our stand and ways.

So, for today topic I want to write about what happens to me in private/intimate relationships, specifically when 'the object of my affection' is not around, which might illustrate the design in more detail for others to see it as well.

It usually starts with everything cool, leveled comunication while some points are not disclosed just because they seem irrelevant or petty on my side, this as well comes from my experience with my mother's attempts at comunication which invariably led to lengthy moments of tension and my desire to run away and stop the river of meaningless words she would flood me with and that I had lost the ability to see for what they were, her attempt to reach out and right things between us, however she could.

It's a bit sad to write this now as even this point that led to me believing in how useless words are as effective tools to navigate the world was a point of sellf manipulation, which I used to not allow her to get close because I myself did not know how to fix all the water that had gone under our shared bridge and I didn't see how it would be possible that simple words could correct the consequences of our actions and participation as the relationship we lived, we had participated in extensive mutual diminishment and never corrected it, her clumsy attempts to straighten things out were always met by me with contempt, specifically when her speeches started with 'you know I love you very much'.

yes, right, this must be why you beat me, or threw me out of your house or told me I was a whore just because you couldn't find any other way to put me down - just keep your fucking loving to yourself all-right-y?

In this way words somehow lost credibility in my eyes and I decided I wouln't waste my time and my life in even trying to fix with words what was done with deeds, there was no way, they were no match.

I took on most of my mother's constructs, like the building up of energy in the form of anger, frustration, disappointment, I just changed the way I dealt with them because I didn't like her way, the incontinent way of leaking words continuously looking for resolutions that never came.

And so I embody the opposite, the aversion to communicating or even trying, the resistance to sitting down to elaborate a point with another beyond preconceived ideas and I am the most ineffective in my intimate relationship, where I always skip the 'what is going ons', 'where are you ats', 'what's your view on this', to make sure step by step that we understand each other, instead I leave extended period of silence go by, pretending everything is cool, trying to make everything go away by shushing away thoughts and reactions vs stopping and directing myself and them into A SOLUTION, into an agreement that doesn't leave space for backchats or doubts.

In my next blog I will write my Self forgiveness and corrective statements on this specific point.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Day 350: A Living Income Guaranteed will End Charity - for Real

Day 349 walked privately

When I was a kid I went to Catholic schools.
Every year a missionary from Africa would come and tell us why he was collecting money to build wells and hospitals for the poor kids of Africa.
I was a kid 40 years ago and poverty in Africa has been increasing no matter how many have preached and pledged to help the poor and to help end poverty, we have a staggering number close to 1 billion people starving in the world.

There is a world full of reason to Why Poverty exist, few are willing to look at the point that Poverty is in fact man-made and not a natural phenomenon or a disease -well at least not in the traditional sense of the word disease although it is a dis-ease for those who experience it, for those who are born on the wrong side of this Capitalistic system, where the Capital of this world is clearly Money and Profit and not Life.

So, what makes us want to believe in Charity as a solution and not see it for what it is, as part of the problem of accepting this unequal world as a system that can't be changed for which we have to come up with ever cleverer ideas about how to cure what is in fact absolutely preventable and correctable if we only set our minds right to what are the real important things in this world that need to be prioritized.

We have lost the plot, we have lost the power to stand for what Matters, while we were busy claiming that we are not responsible for this world, we lost our ability to Respond, our Self Response-Ability to say that we don't give a flying frack about spending money in 'defense efforts' which are ill disguised neo-colonialism operations through which we create further poverty for the unlucky ones, we have lost the power to say that public money must be spent for the public good and not to embellish buildings like the MoD in England, so other unwilling fighters can be attracted into war games, we have lost our way from what matters into delusions like ideas and ideals about profiting from everything and everyone to cater for My Wishes vs Everyone's Needs.

The point though to consider is that we lost our power only because we abdicated it to institutions that kept promising to do what would be best for all even in the face of the physical evidence that this is not so, but every abdication can be revoked, we can return to ourselves our self-response-ability and stand for a world that is not driven by profit and greed, but by the understanding that unless all have a dignified life, unless I grant to All their Right to Life, I have No Right to Life and my Life is as uncertain as the ones of those who are either born at rock bottom or who have been driven to rock bottom by a system that caters only for those on top.

So, let's see Charity for what it is, Imagine that someone is tortured daily and instead to stop the torture, we invent post traumatic stress disorders props, that would be INSANE, but this is in fact what we do everyday with the Poverty point, no  one seems interested in asking the real questions about poverty, like 'Why Poverty', we just accept it, we accept the Missionary and the Missionary Position in which we screw ourselves into acceptance vs standing as a point that says 'enough' and remolds itself into a point of Support, into a brick of the Solution that we can bring to this world.

Give as you would like to receive could NEVER mean Charity, Charity is demeaning, it is degrading, it is the acceptance that some lives are worth less and worthless and that The Poor need to be happy with what we give, the crumbs from our banquets tables, we have never understood the point of 'Giving as we would like to receive', it meant to give to others the Life we would be willing to live and not to patch up with a few pennies the unliveable lives of those that have no choice but to survive within this cruel system and try to make it through another day.

Another world is possible, if we consider all lives Equally valuable, Charity will no longer exist in a Just world, nor will exist any of the institutions that live on it from the churches, to Temples, to Foundations (that secretly get tax returns way bigger than what they publicly devote into apparent charitable activities) and imagine what a wonderful world that would be. A world that works for All, would work for You too.

Equal Life Foundation promotes a Living Income Guaranteed - because Life is the First Basic Inalienable Human Right

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Monday, August 12, 2013

Day 348: Bernard Poolman Died so that All May Live

I am currently staying at the Desteni farm.
Yesterday morning at 8 am we had an extraordinary meeting, it was extra-ordinary because we don't gather on Sunday mornings usually and then it was extraordinary because once we met we were told by Cerise that her Dad, The Devil, had died overnight.

I experienced a state of shock so vast that I could not contain my tears and just cried and cried while listening to how this happened. There was no WHY though, no one had a why for this death, yes, his body was under a lot of stress due to the position he had taken upon himself in service of Life, but then again, how can Life Die, what does it mean when Life Dies while there is no other Life yet that can take over?

The people who have been hit the worse of course are his closest family and the people who had the privilege to share the space and time during which he lived and walked at the farm as a Living Example of what it means to exist and breathe a principled Life beyond personal interest.

I have been with Desteni for almost 3 years now and have been on the farm for over a month, 40 days to the Death of Bernard, that is for sure a milestone and a day that will be hard to forget as everyone came together in grieving, telling stories, holding together a group that has to walk the same principle but that may have -although unwillingly or unawarily- piggybacked on Life itself one way or another, safe and sound about the fact that the Ultimate Point of reference as Bernard lived among us, that he would be there to sort out our petty life commitment that seem to need constant direction because we are unable to even walk the simplest things we have committed to walk, always looking for ways out, for shortcuts, to engage solely in tasks that will expose us as valuable members of a community where we have invested time and therefore value.

What distinguishes the people who are walking process in awareness from those who are not it's either that those who are not do not know about the process and the tools of Desteni or they have just found ways to justify WHY they are not required to change, while within our group we have taken the first step, we have admitted that we need to change, we are aware that we need to change which means that we are even the more responsible for walking this process consistently, to make sure that those that didn't find the tools yet, can find us.

I have met Bernard in person and spent time with him for over a month, too little,  wish I had more time with him so he could tell me again and again that he was just 'Normal' and that it was 'I' who was abnormal, convinced that there was any value to the commentary that runs in my head oftentimes, he told me 'get rid of the good commentary as well, it's just a waste of time', and it's easy to see how we have gladly embraced the tools to get rid of what was not working for us, but not to get rid of what is apparently working, because, obviously, it's working, isn't it?

At the beginning of my walk with Desteni, the language that was repeated again and again, scared me, never when it came from Bernard though, because his words 'Lived', they were 'lived', when he would talk about 'what is best for all' he meant it, he had moved beyond preferences and likes and dislikes, I never once heard anything he said as either empty or as preaching, his words were who he was, this is why I was soo many times hit by the substance of his words to the points of tears, the words of one who has put himself as Life into them are powerful, they are Alive and they will live as a substantial legacy of what has to be done.

The other day Bernard was explaining a bit of Homeopathy and he said 'Likes cures Likes, simple, isn't it - so Like what you DisLike' - a bit like the post he wrote a few days ago when he stated that we are our own Weather station where our weather systems are managed by external inputs such as 'whether is this or that' and can cause internal storms or sunny days, which brings back the point of a computer program, the famous code line 'if this than that' and how simple equations have become the starting point of every one of our moves, we are whether systems and we are ruled by the if this than that equations we ourselves set up a long time ago or that we accepted others to set up long time ago For Us.

Bernard was a Big Man, his presence was hard to match, it didn't matter how many times he told us he was our Equal, I am sure most of us didn't feel Equal at all and so Bernard died, removed himself from the equation, deliberately, specifically, as everything he did, to create the vacuum that nature abhors so much, because every vacuum must be filled, and he trained people to stand up and fill the Space he left.

What does it mean to Stand Up, for real?  Here we could have the 'police manual' version of the answer 'to protect and serve' and we have plenty words to define this imaginary 'standing up' in a Four Musketeer fashion 'one for all and all for one' sort of way - and we should refrain from doing so, specifically in the wake of Bernard's passing, where many who may have been walking silently or that kept to themselves may be looking for directions and to join as a way to find the stability they found when they knew Bernard was around.

Standing up means to stop the Mind, to stop believing whatever your mind throws at you, to slow down, find the origin of everything that created 'me' so that 'we' may correct our existences at the very origin, re- parent ourselves into self honest human beings, check every point we face, self correct, see where I am, I am Here and point by point integrate our self into a grid of integridy, a grid we have self created, self designed, where each point we rewrote is standing considering all points of the equation, where my 'I' is used to see and check as the 'Eye' of the Needle, the Eye that sees the Needs of All and is not deaf or dumb or uncaring but Stands instead as a Point of Self Correction, as a point of Self Creation of a World that Works for All.

So, as a group, we no longer have the luxury of engaging the Mind because Bernard will not be around to help  to sort ourselves out, this is the vacuum we fill, the vacuum of what we have not yet created, the grid of integridy, no longer a faulty operating system, but a net-work of support for us and the World that interacts with us beyond the Mind and we don't have the luxury to mourn him beyond what our physical has the need to process and as well we don't have the luxury to not mourn him because we have made up some funny ideas about what process is because then we didn't get it, process is to self honest live the moment in breath, anything else is dishonest, is an opinion, an idea about, such as in this case would be about Destonian mourning, it's not reality based, it's not Real.

And on a last note, we remind ourselves that we are working to stop the existence of a polarity based world, where many lose so that few can win, where Rights and Wrongs are dictated and reflected by how much Money One Has, to either write the Laws, to uphold them or to evade them and within this we redefine our ideas about Morality as well, as a word that was specifically designed to keep the sheeples within the lines of accepted nonthreatening behavior, Morality is dishonest in a world where not everyone has Equal access to it, Morality is a luxury and as such unacceptable in an immoral world, we have work to do, a lot of work, up there those lost in the Mind don't have the tools and maybe the will to self correct, we owe it to Existence to Stand beyond anything that would prevent this message to spread, many of us will soon be involved with the Educational side of our Project, How Far are We willing to go to get this done?
Because the Mind will not stop in front of anything, we as The Mind won't stop our self interested existence because that is The Nature of Ourselves as The Mind, we have to re-parent our Minds into an existence of Harmony, into Equality and Oneness with the Physical and take on those who are too lost to even consider the common sense of a Solution that would work for all.
We have the tools, we have our points to walk, we have each other, do we have what it takes to bring about this change?

Bernard did, he took the Miss-Fits of society and created a group to stand beyond all Whethers and he would not stop, he would not be stopped by anything, he was willing to go the whole way, he gave up his Life so that All May be Life.

Now each one has got to ask themselves the question, can I stand, can I Self Honestly say I can stand or should I remove myself from this group, from the Time I am taking away from others that may make it because they will be more disciplined than what I am willing to be - and what does it mean to stand?
It's not the Destonian logo that shows anyone's stand, or the 'LIKE' on Facebook or sharing Bernard's words, nor the many years of involvement or the many blogs- if anything this should be a measure of ineffectiveness if after So many years one has not managed to change oneself?- but what are we willing to give up for Life.
Can we give up the Porn, the abuse, the self abuse, our self judgement, the judgement of others, our wavering walk, our desires to walk away from our commitments, our excuses to why we don't have time to participate, to self correct, to do our assignments, can we give up our preferences, likes and dislikes, can we stop the bullshit, our pettiness, so that nothing stands in the way of us making a clear decision that is always best for all, can we give up this Life for the life of All, what are WE willing to give up for Life?

Here stood and lived a man who gave it All up for Life, our Life, every Living Being's Life, we better match such a commitment with our own, Bernard did not die in Vain, he won't even have a funeral, or a gravestone to be reminded by, his ashes will be scattered back to the Earth, let's not allow ourselves to make him die invain.

Let's make ourselves Matter as we Stand up for Life - because if we don't, if we can't give up the Illusion for Life, really, we don't matter at all.

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Day 347: Entering the World System - Who is Your Daddy Now? Money!

This is a follow up to my postsParenthood and Corporal Punishment - Scarring/Scaring  Tin Soldiers to DeathParenthood and Corporal Punishment - Scarring/Scaring 

I am walking backward my own timeline to see how did I accept and allow Money to become the power that it is in my life, what decides if I can move or not, if I am Free or not, if I have choices or not and specifically how I understood at a very early age that it is Money that makes the world go round, that makes people jump out of their chairs and do something, it is Money that allows us the Freedom to move on from our families, to enter the world and finally rid ourselves of their -unwelcome- oppressive presence.

Of course no one wants to be honest about it, we don't like to take on the Family topic because we feel like traitors, exposing the truth of what really went on in our families as we grew up to make sure we would bow to the System and the Money God and embrace it for life.

Everytime we raise the topic of Money some smarty panty will post comments like 'Money is Not All' 'You can't buy happiness with money', 'Love is All there is' or, my favorite, 'poor people are much happier than those with money'.

In theory we should not even honor the debate, because anyone who has the Freedom to make such comments on internet, using a keyboard and a connection line powered by electricity, has got money, more money than close to 3 billion people on this planet of which we are not ashamed to not give a fuck about -even when we preach that 'Love is All there is', which should definitely make us question ourselves and reality but thanks god we always have an Ace up our Sleeve so we created Positive Thinking to never acknowledged the fact that this World is a fundamentally Survival based Negative Place -because That is a Scary Thought.

I know All about Positive Thinking, I lived it, preached it, pushed the Negative People away because I feared being contaminated by Their Negativity, I went all the Positive Way just to find out that there is no way to resolve the 'negative' lack filled side of this world' unless we do something about it, unless we draw a line just so we can hang on to the bits of humanity left in us and stand to change ourselves and the world as One.

When I lived with my Family, in more than one occasion I felt like a Circus Monkey, jumping through hoops for the promise of some material reward, that's right, children apparently are unable to understand why they should not hit each other with a stick or try to scoop out someone's eyes with a fork, they are Stoopid, that's why parents set in place their reward and punishment system at an early age, to teach them 'right from wrong', never allowing children to understand that to every action there is a consequence, because the sequence is confused in the child's mind by some parental sequins, either a bling bling reward or a punishment that can be physical or just removing something the child enjoys.

I am ashamed to say that when one of my friend pointed out the disfunctional way we use 'consequences' to teach children a lesson, I could not see what was wrong with that, the example she stated was 'if you paint on the wall you will not eat cake', yeah I said, what's wrong with that?

So it is at my mature age of close to 50 that I have to realize this point, that I was never taught consequences per se, I was only taught 'punishment' which turned out to be very impractical because I had to learn the con-sequences of everything I did by Living It instead and it was way more painful than if someone had shown to me that consequences are infact mathematical equation measurable on a timeline including all the parts that are involved within an interaction.

What children are given then is Punishment while they are deprived of their natural ability to learn a common sensical approach to Life, where if we were taught just to 'never do onto another what we do not want to done to us' and to 'give as we would like to receive', we would grow to be the Creators of a world that works For All, and not this abomination where close to half of the world lives unimaginable lives of poverty and distress.

Parents are the promoter of a 'positive thinking' lifeStyle, because we are bred within only negative emotions due to punishment vs a common sense approach to life, to the requests for Monkey Hoops Jumping that turn us out into mental cases and so as we try to deny that we hate our families for the most part, we fall head over hills with Positive Thinking, with the idea that we can attract Better Feeling Places for ourselves than those where we lived as we grew up and so we walk the teachings, remembering well that it was Money and Fear- that moved us throughout childhood and as we grow up, we take these tools into the world and bestow them on everyone we meet, we use emotions and feelings to enslave partners and friends -because it works!- and we use Money to enslave others into an Equation of Inequality, where the only point we shoot for is to have enough to no longer have to endure the Monkey jumping numbers, hoping to be able to buy the Dignity that we define associated to Money and not to giving to each one of us on this planet, our Family, what belongs to all, so that we may have it all too, dignity, self respect, truly honorable lives, nope, we take mum and dad's teachings, their sequins, the Fear wand and we venture out to do the same damage that was done onto us, because we can IF we get our hands on enough Money, they could and instead of granting to all the Freedom to exist, we perpetrate our own enslavement, we turn life into a product, a style, something we can buy for ourselves and of course we attempt to increase our Buffer between ourselves and reality through Money, because we know that at the bottom of this idiotic system of duality where most have to lose for some to win, lies the desperation of many that we are not willing to join and from which we separate in our minds, where we make up alternate realities where All is Well and we are willing to take those lies all the way into the words we speak and state that 'Love is All You Need', when we do know that we have never made a Love transaction to take us anywhere but further into our delusion, we know that we pay the rent, the food, our transportation with Money but we like to look at the poor that smile and believe they are happier than us, there you go, they can keep the happiness, I will make do with the Money.

We can create a world that works for All by recognizing we have been fooling ourselves -and others- with the Love and Positive Crap, we can give back to ourselves our ill placed investments, get back in One piece/peace vs the Multiple Disordered personalities that we have become and in one breath affirm our commitment to Life, stop the enslavament of Each other for Money and Good Feeling Experiences, delve into what the world has become beyond polarities, it is what it is, if we hold one single judgement we'll keep turning away to not face what we have in fact accepted and allowed, instead we move together, one breath at the time, work our way back from our Shame into reality and then embrace it, the good, the bad the ugly, so we can see what needs to be done, and do it, and within that bring Heaven to Earth for everyone, once and for all.

A different world is possible, walk self honestly in the shoes of the destitutes of this world and see if you would really like their 'happy' lives, if you would like to have to sell your body to eat or to get a shelter, or if you would lik to be a slave in a diamond mine to survive or be jailed for no reason to fatten up the private jail system of rich countries, look around, see how many lives would be unliveable for you and then consider why is it normal that we allow in existence a system that manufactures such lives as an outflow of what has to be done to guarantee and safeguard the spots on top of the pyramid and then consider how to remove yourself from such pyramid that stay up thanks to our energy/money submittance and how each brick of this system can self direct to remove themselves as a point of support of what exists, to recreate a system that works for All, become part of the solution, it's simple mathematics, 1+1, united, we can create the world we would like to leave behind.

Join us.

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Friday, August 9, 2013

Day 346: Parenthood and Corporal Punishment - Scarring/Scaring Tin Soldiers to Death

As I wrote my blog yesterday I was amazed at how many memories I have of Corporal Punishment, even though I was never inflicted the kind of corporal punishment some of my friends had to go through, which left them with blue hand marks on their arms or tied to the table legs in a dining room that had blood marks on the walls from their heads smashed against it.

My mother used to just mainly slap me in the face, hard, I remember specifically the aftertaste feeling of humiliation immediately suppressed and followed by huge waves of hatred and desire for retaliation.

In my experience nothing compared to that feeling, it was intense, I can still recall it vividly as I write.

I am not sure what parents are going for when they hit their children, what I found out among parents with a 'fast hand' is that they excuse their behavior because they opted to do it LESS than it was done to them, this point seems to bring home the desired justification that it's all right, they survived Much Worse and they 'turned out alright' and so you should be what, grateful?

In my neighborhood, a poor neighborhood where parents worked like dogs, corporal punishment was the order of the day, we could hear children screaming and the beatings going on from my balcony as we shared a common courtyard, I have lost touch with many of my childhood friends, the last time I saw them, none of them had turned out as an overachiever, I guess I became one out of my desire to move on, to move out, the fear of having to go under the rule of my mother ever again was so intense that I shone at every job I did, I developed an extensive attention for details in fear of retort ion, of having to face humiliation ever again in my life, my life became a striving for perfection so that I would safely move beyond that lurking danger, the potential for humiliation in any way, shape or form.

Since I am one odd case out of hundreds I can safely say that if parents hope that beatings will mold children into perfectionist or overachievers they are just wrong, I lived in a constant state of tension, when I finished any job I would review it in my mind meticulously, walking all the steps looking for any possible mistake I may have made before anyone else would/could find out about it.
Living with my mother had been hellish, I have once read about how governments and their secret agencies would pick kids to raise them for remote viewing in the military and I found that I fit the profile perfectly, the best kids were from homes like mine, with crazy schizophrenic parents, I developed the ability to see the invisible in my mother's mannerism and behavior, to hear the inaudible in her tone of voice, to see the one gesture out of place in a pattern to always be in the know about her being either on a normal or on a crazy day, so I could adjust myself accordingly, the invisible became visible to me, twitching eye lids, a specific shake in her hands, I was not aware of the sequence of thoughts but was aware of the accumulation signs, she always surprised me with her 'reasoning', she could go from something absolutely irrelevant, like me smiling while watching a movie and turn it into something about herself, something that she claimed I did to spite her, to provoke her, my life became a walking on eggshells in utmost constant -paranoid- awareness.

In my first jobs I became so good that the stress of keeping up with a zero mistake rate was so great that I could never shake it off, even when I went home and the only way I would stop the fear that I may have done something wrong was to numb myself with pot until the next day when I would wear my professional clothes and personality over the wreck I really was and go to work. I almost never missed out on a day of work, I never cut corners, I was the perfect corporate slave and I was willing to enslave others to the same Fear that drove me to perfection, because it worked.

Only many beatings after, one day I slapped my mother back, the ironic thing about that moment was the shock in her face, she became paralyzed and when she regained her voice it was just to tell me how That was inconceivable, how horrible I was, that it was a taboo to hit your parents back, that she had never hit her mother back -whom never hit her by the way except much later in life when she was off once on one of her crazy all-over-the-place ranting and grandma hit her to bring her back here-, normal kids never even thought about it, this specific point was raised many other times in the future when she tried to show me that I was in fact really bad, I even HIT her (she never used the word BACK, because that was Not the point, the point was that she was the only one with Legal Authority to Harm Me and I did not have any, by Law or by God, to try and stop it) what was wrong with me?

By that time though my life was already a mess, I lived on the edge of insanity in a Cirque du Soleil balancing act, I had run away from home at 17, jumped on a train and went to Ireland with the equivalent of 50 USD in my pocket, I cried for most of the trip but when i got there I found out that I could breathe again and when I came back to live with my mother again one year later, that was when I slapped her back during one of episodes while she unwisely insisted on saying 'you want to push me out of the window don't you and laughed while slapping me-, and I did want to, a thought even crossed my mind that unless I did throw her out of that window my misery would never end but I didn't, I just slapped her back instead, it was my 19th birthday, she left the room and came back to throw my bank saving booklet in my face and told me to leave, I took all my birthday flowers, packed my bags and left for real.

There were other issues after this, they escalated into physical violence only twice, once she threw me down the stairs with one of my Hong Kong colleagues following up, for raising the objection that for someone who had so much hatred for a mother that left her as a kid, she was no Snowwhite either, that DID not sit well with her, specifically because it brought up something that she did that she could never blame on me, no matter how hard she tried. 
Still abusive parents have to be told when it's enough, physical violence is a form of (mis) communication, it's the last resort out of frustration, it's empowering and rekindles the sense of ownership parents live in fear to lose - it's a hard one to give up, plus children develop all sorts of copying mechanism to square things out and grow up disfunctional adults as they accept abuse in the name of the 'Loving' Promise of a chance to Survive.

So, this is how we start the life of the children in the world, if they don't bend, we beat them into submission, because we can, because apparently we are their Parents, their Masters, their Owners, without seeing, realizing and understanding that we are just creating armies of submissive weaklings, of tin soldiers who will make Money their God, because after All it was Money that took them out of the Hell that FamiLies really are for the most part, and gave them the Independence and ''Free Choice' to continue Abuse themselves in the name of the Family Construct, because we Honor our Families and this is why we have not yet put an end to our Self Abuse inside and World Abuse outside.

A different Life is possible for All, it's a Lie that we have to learn through suffering or that the best lessons we had came through suffering, I don't remember one good lesson from my suffering if not that I should stop it and that I should never pass it on, but I believed I was scarred for Life, for sure I was scared before meeting Desteni, so much so that I would not allow myself to see that my story was a very common one, that the Abuses of our Parents end up in the Adults that Abuse and that we'll have to Parent Ourselves back into something decent to bring about a world that works for All - to not end up as the jailed/jailers of all others that cross our Path.

Bringing it all Back to Self - Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memories of my mother's beatings because that gave me a credit, something I could write on my side under all my apparent Wrongs while my mothers had all the Rights given to her by Money and her power to support me or not, and for failing to see, realize and understand that within holding on to my rights(eousness) within my relationship with my mother, I jailed her back instead of freeing myself and her from the past so that a new future beyond abuse could be created for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remember the physical sensation of being slapped in the face as humiliation, as a diminishment of myself at my mother's hands instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was not diminished by the beating, but by embracing humiliation as who I was, by believing that the action of my mother were related to me and not to her, by taking things personally as if I were personally faulty vs admitting that there was something not normal with my mother for fear of being the offspring of someone insane

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was one and equal to the feeling of humiliation that I hang on to when my mother hit at me because it made me feel righteous no matter the wrongs that my mother would come up with about me, and for provoking my mother to the point of beating me so I could at least be right about One Point, that she was Wrong about hitting me and within this develop a pattern in which I would push people to punish me when I would deliberately cross lines with my words, so they could be wrong too instead of me being the only wrong one within a relationship equation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the times when my mother beat me against her as a way to get my own Rights so I would even out with the Rights my mum held on me all the way apparently to deleting me from existence - and for suppressing the negative feelings I connected to those times instead of releasing myself from them, in fear I would no longer hold a credit, be a creditor and in that would become a debtor, because I saw that the world is based on Money and credits and debts and I decided I would not be on the Debtor side, I would make money so I could be on the Right side of this Polarity Equation and this is why I rose from the ashes of a perceived broken self just long enough to go out in the world and make money, to guarantee myself Immunity and buy myself the Rights that parents teach children they don't have and make them long for, until they long for Money as the God that gives the Rights in this existence and deletes All Wrongs

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my mother beating me because we were not the kind of family where beatings should take place as my mum was educated and played the piano and within this for believing I was one and equal to the shame of being beaten

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud about keeping my mouth shut about my mother's beatings because it gave me a leverage over her and proved I was better than her because even though she was crazy I covered up for her, which made me good while she was bad instead of seeing realizing and understanding I covered up with the same intent of accumulating credits and ammunition for when I would have to shoot her out of my life, for when I would bring up all her Wrongdoings and in one single swoop even out all my perceived wrongdoings until we would be squared and I would be out of her home

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something wrong with me when my mum would beat me and state that she knew it was not 'me' but the 'devil in me' asking me to do the things she did not approve of, and for splitting myself up in personalities that carefully selected what she approved of from the devilish ones, according to her desires, losing touch with my own accountability for my own actions that could be blamed on the devil first and then on the environment, on external forces and ultimately on my parents so I would not have to be accountable for my words, thoughts and deeds if I accepted the split my mother offered as an excuse, instead of learning about consequences within a timeline so I could make informed decisions about my behavior and the consequences I was willing to live
I forgive myself that I failed to see, realize and understand that I led myself from abuse to self abuse and from self abuse to World abuse through Money and my participation within it and within my unwillingness to see that unless we live in HarMony Money will do Harm and within this for not stopping myself and investigating why and how we gave Money the Power to Harm, so we could feel safe in the dysfunctional world we were born and become a part of

I commit myself to let go of all memories that are related to my mother's corporal punishment and to investigate if and where I am still invested in my own victim-hood, so I can release myself, take my power back and stand as a Self Responsible part of this world to become Part of the Solution for MySelf and All of Existence, Equal and One.

to be continued with how this intertwined with my participation within and as the World System.
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