Day 348: Bernard Poolman Died so that All May Live

I am currently staying at the Desteni farm.

Yesterday morning at 8 am we had an extraordinary meeting, it was extra-ordinary because we don't gather on Sunday mornings usually and then it was extraordinary because once we met we were told by Cerise that her Dad, The Devil, had died overnight.

I experienced a state of shock so vast that I could not contain my tears and just cried and cried while listening to how this happened. There was no WHY though, no one had a why for this death, yes, his body was under a lot of stress due to the position he had taken upon himself in service of Life, but then again, how can Life Die, what does it mean when Life Dies while there is no other Life yet that can take over?

The people who have been hit the worse of course are his closest family and the people who had the privilege to share the space and time during which he lived and walked at the farm as a Living Example of what it means to exist and breathe a principled Life beyond personal interest.

I have been with Desteni for almost 3 years now and have been on the farm for over a month, 40 days to the Death of Bernard, that is for sure a milestone and a day that will be hard to forget as everyone came together in grieving, telling stories, holding together a group that has to walk the same principle but that may have -although unwillingly or unawarily- piggybacked on Life itself one way or another, safe and sound about the fact that the Ultimate Point of reference as Bernard lived among us, that he would be there to sort out our petty life commitment that seem to need constant direction because we are unable to even walk the simplest things we have committed to walk, always looking for ways out, for shortcuts, to engage solely in tasks that will expose us as valuable members of a community where we have invested time and therefore value.

What distinguishes the people who are walking process in awareness from those who are not it's either that those who are not do not know about the process and the tools of Desteni or they have just found ways to justify WHY they are not required to change, while within our group we have taken the first step, we have admitted that we need to change, we are aware that we need to change which means that we are even the more responsible for walking this process consistently, to make sure that those that didn't find the tools yet, can find us.

I have met Bernard in person and spent time with him for over a month, too little,  wish I had more time with him so he could tell me again and again that he was just 'Normal' and that it was 'I' who was abnormal, convinced that there was any value to the commentary that runs in my head oftentimes, he told me 'get rid of the good commentary as well, it's just a waste of time', and it's easy to see how we have gladly embraced the tools to get rid of what was not working for us, but not to get rid of what is apparently working, because, obviously, it's working, isn't it?

At the beginning of my walk with Desteni, the language that was repeated again and again, scared me, never when it came from Bernard though, because his words 'Lived', they were 'lived', when he would talk about 'what is best for all' he meant it, he had moved beyond preferences and likes and dislikes, I never once heard anything he said as either empty or as preaching, his words were who he was, this is why I was soo many times hit by the substance of his words to the points of tears, the words of one who has put himself as Life into them are powerful, they are Alive and they will live as a substantial legacy of what has to be done.

The other day Bernard was explaining a bit of Homeopathy and he said 'Likes cures Likes, simple, isn't it - so Like what you DisLike' - a bit like the post he wrote a few days ago when he stated that we are our own Weather station where our weather systems are managed by external inputs such as 'whether is this or that' and can cause internal storms or sunny days, which brings back the point of a computer program, the famous code line 'if this than that' and how simple equations have become the starting point of every one of our moves, we are whether systems and we are ruled by the if this than that equations we ourselves set up a long time ago or that we accepted others to set up long time ago For Us.

Bernard was a Big Man, his presence was hard to match, it didn't matter how many times he told us he was our Equal, I am sure most of us didn't feel Equal at all and so Bernard died, removed himself from the equation, deliberately, specifically, as everything he did, to create the vacuum that nature abhors so much, because every vacuum must be filled, and he trained people to stand up and fill the Space he left.

What does it mean to Stand Up, for real?  Here we could have the 'police manual' version of the answer 'to protect and serve' and we have plenty words to define this imaginary 'standing up' in a Four Musketeer fashion 'one for all and all for one' sort of way - and we should refrain from doing so, specifically in the wake of Bernard's passing, where many who may have been walking silently or that kept to themselves may be looking for directions and to join as a way to find the stability they found when they knew Bernard was around.

Standing up means to stop the Mind, to stop believing whatever your mind throws at you, to slow down, find the origin of everything that created 'me' so that 'we' may correct our existences at the very origin, re- parent ourselves into self honest human beings, check every point we face, self correct, see where I am, I am Here and point by point integrate our self into a grid of integridy, a grid we have self created, self designed, where each point we rewrote is standing considering all points of the equation, where my 'I' is used to see and check as the 'Eye' of the Needle, the Eye that sees the Needs of All and is not deaf or dumb or uncaring but Stands instead as a Point of Self Correction, as a point of Self Creation of a World that Works for All.

So, as a group, we no longer have the luxury of engaging the Mind because Bernard will not be around to help  to sort ourselves out, this is the vacuum we fill, the vacuum of what we have not yet created, the grid of integridy, no longer a faulty operating system, but a net-work of support for us and the World that interacts with us beyond the Mind and we don't have the luxury to mourn him beyond what our physical has the need to process and as well we don't have the luxury to not mourn him because we have made up some funny ideas about what process is because then we didn't get it, process is to self honest live the moment in breath, anything else is dishonest, is an opinion, an idea about, such as in this case would be about Destonian mourning, it's not reality based, it's not Real.

And on a last note, we remind ourselves that we are working to stop the existence of a polarity based world, where many lose so that few can win, where Rights and Wrongs are dictated and reflected by how much Money One Has, to either write the Laws, to uphold them or to evade them and within this we redefine our ideas about Morality as well, as a word that was specifically designed to keep the sheeples within the lines of accepted nonthreatening behavior, Morality is dishonest in a world where not everyone has Equal access to it, Morality is a luxury and as such unacceptable in an immoral world, we have work to do, a lot of work, up there those lost in the Mind don't have the tools and maybe the will to self correct, we owe it to Existence to Stand beyond anything that would prevent this message to spread, many of us will soon be involved with the Educational side of our Project, How Far are We willing to go to get this done?

Because the Mind will not stop in front of anything, we as The Mind won't stop our self interested existence because that is The Nature of Ourselves as The Mind, we have to re-parent our Minds into an existence of Harmony, into Equality and Oneness with the Physical and take on those who are too lost to even consider the common sense of a Solution that would work for all.

We have the tools, we have our points to walk, we have each other, do we have what it takes to bring about this change?

Bernard did, he took the Miss-Fits of society and created a group to stand beyond all Whethers and he would not stop, he would not be stopped by anything, he was willing to go the whole way, he gave up his Life so that All May be Life.

Now each one has got to ask themselves the question, can I stand, can I Self Honestly say I can stand or should I remove myself from this group, from the Time I am taking away from others that may make it because they will be more disciplined than what I am willing to be - and what does it mean to stand?

It's not the Destonian logo that shows anyone's stand, or the 'LIKE' on Facebook or sharing Bernard's words, nor the many years of involvement or the many blogs- if anything this should be a measure of ineffectiveness if after So many years one has not managed to change oneself?- but what are we willing to give up for Life.

Can we give up the Porn, the abuse, the self abuse, our self judgement, the judgement of others, our wavering walk, our desires to walk away from our commitments, our excuses to why we don't have time to participate, to self correct, to do our assignments, can we give up our preferences, likes and dislikes, can we stop the bullshit, our pettiness, so that nothing stands in the way of us making a clear decision that is always best for all, can we give up this Life for the life of All, what are WE willing to give up for Life?

Here stood and lived a man who gave it All up for Life, our Life, every Living Being's Life, we better match such a commitment with our own, Bernard did not die in Vain, he won't even have a funeral, or a gravestone to be reminded by, his ashes will be scattered back to the Earth, let's not allow ourselves to make him die invain.

Let's make ourselves Matter as we Stand up for Life - because if we don't, if we can't give up the Illusion for Life, really, we don't matter at all.

Related articles

• Day 327: I think, therefore I am Not Here yet.
• Day 335: The Joy and Freedom of Hating Desteni
• Day 458: Facts and Feelings: How to Stop and Prevent Brainwashing
• Day 324: Desteni Witness - The 'Scam' and Secret of Self Forgiveness

Day 326: Who says that 'What is Best for All' is Best for ME?

It is sad to realize how this simple sentence, which happens to be at the core of every religion and philosophy in the world, is feared and taken for a coercive statements that means people will no longer be FREE to do as they like, should a world that considers all parts of the Whole Equally ever come about.

Unfortunately, or maybe appropriately, the answer to 'What is Best for All' cannot be given, it has to be Self Realized because 'I' have to first understand What is Best for Me in relation to All the Players within an Equation, where I have considered All parts Equally and guess what, what is Best for All in one occasion may not be Best for All in another, within the same point, this is why Religions do not have any Solution to offer, there isn't a fixed Best for All if not the point of Giving to All what I would like for myself and Not do to another what I would not like to be done to me, no other 'rule' is required to expand into and as this understanding, if my children are hungry and I can't get a job and this system doesn't support me, it is my duty to feed them one way or another, that would make stealing OK, a duty in fact, because Life is more important that the delusion that some can own Vital Earth Resources and cut others off from them as Their Right, so in this case, blindly following a religion (and incidentally, who could be stealing if not the poor from the rich, who says that religions weren't the Rich Guidelines to their own safety and that they were the writers of all Commandments for their own protection and justification?) would not allow me to do What is Best for All at All Times, fake morality would stand in the way of my clarity.

The answer to What is Best for All is held within each one of us as a Point of Awareness, flip flopping through Life won't have us aware enough to consider All Points at All Times and We won't be Able to do What is Best for All, ever, if I, Self is not included in the Equation, because this Equation is Not What is Best for All -bar Me, it's Best for All, which has to include Me or the Equation is incomplete, it's Dis-h-One-est, because I am missing from the One that has to make the decision of What is Best for All.

So, to start appreciating What is Best for All, we can consider what and how we would benefit most from within a moment if we were in another shoes, cross referencing it with Self and then, in a Self Honest moment of Breath, just do it, it doesn't require rocket science to work it out, just Self Trust that I am able and walking to learn to consider Others as Myself and to Give to All What is Best.

So, when we react to this simple sentence 'What is Best for All', there may be some points to consider:

Point One, I don't know What is best for Me - in self honesty I can say that I have been rather busy with self Abuse for most of my life, if you are busy abusing yourself that point needs correction before you can grasp what is Best for All, how could you if you have not yet taught yourself what is Best for You?
No one that stands as Self Abuse can do what is Best for All, because they themselves are missing from the Equation required to work out What is Best for All, and in such cases, we may have the manifestation of the Do Gooder Character as an attempt to compensate for all the things we have not done in consideration of Others as Self, but that it's just a Lie, and we can assess our Self Abuse without external intervention, most of it happens in Our Secret Minds -only to overflow later in the physical-, where we run ourselves to the ground to make sure we won't be able to stand and do What is Best for All, not even by chance

Point Two, is if we are Abusers, many claim their right to Freedom in ways that can be described odd to use a vast understatement, our right to Porn, even if this means supporting a whole industry of Abuse and Slavery is not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, our right to alcohol and drugs is not a Human right, it's Self Abuse, our right to Anonymity so we can slander and engage in libelous activities on the web and get away with it, it's not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, our right to have sex with Animals who don't have a say in it, it's not a Human right, it's an Abuse, our right to Abuse Animals and the World for Profit is not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, our right to invade other countries for their resources so we can keep up our lifestyle is not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, so you see, when we get down to the nitty gritty of why people oppose What is Best for All and lay it out in the open, it doesn't look so good, and yet we went so far as creating a whole new vocabulary to explain why we are in fact entitled to do what we do and defined our Criminal Activities as Human Rights, so while we stood united to claim our Rights to Abuse, we got Abused, we rolled over while Real Human Rights were eroded under our very eyes but we were too busy proving that we had the Freedom of Speech that entitled us to Abuse or the Freedom of Choice so I can hold on to porn and alcohol and drugs, no matter the consequences, the Freedom to 'defend our Borders' -abroad-  to justify our right to go to war against others and while we took away the Right of other living beings, go figure, our Real Human Rights were taken away too.

One could say not surprisingly, because we have not shown to be Humans as in HumanKind but rather Human as in ViciousHumans and so we lost the right to Live because we moved Life way down the list of relevant things in the world as we busied ourselves with all forms of abuse we could conceive, meanwhile we got so far removed from our Humanity that at the sound of the words 'What is Best for All', we react, we don't want What is Best for All if that means the end of our right to Abuse, because....well, because we are TheMented as in living up in our isolated little Kingdoms of Our Minds, where we can pretend to be a self sustainable island, missing out on the obvious, undeniable interconnectedness of All Things, which give us life -while we don't, we take it from others so we can turn it into Money and hopefully end our existential fears within the Illusion that we'll be able to buy our Piece/Peace of Mind.

So, please consider, What is Best for All includes YOU, we want a good Life for everyone, free education, free health care, free housing, a share of the world resources for All, we want to support each other, all living beings and the world as One, how is that not good for You? What kind of freedom are you after that such a world would not provide: Freedom from Debt Slavery, from Education Slavery, Freedom from Fear of Each other, of not having enough to live or of not having a place where to live, freedom from the fear for the future of your children, freedom from stress, from anxiety, from most of the Evil of this world -just by agreeing to give to each other what we would want for ourselves.

So, if and when you should see yourself react to these words, just ask yourself, what is it that you fear giving up, is it the porn, alcohol and drugs, anonymity, fucking animals, really, what is it that stands in the way of Your Self Realization of what will be possible when we realign in Oneness and Equality to What is Best for All and then see if you can find it in your heart to stop the Abuse and the Self Abuse -for Life.

We are making it our business to learn to do What is Best for All -for Life, what kind of busy-ness are you investing yourself into and -is it worth Your Life -or Not?

Get support to break Free from Abuse, no one has to live this way, together we can create a world that works for All and bring Heaven to Earth for All, why the Hell are we waiting for?

Basic Income Guaranteed - to take the first steps into a world of Support

Equal Money - for when we'll be BIG Enough to comprehend a New World Paradime

Desteni I Process - to support your walk out of Abuse and Self Abuse, back to Life.

Related articles

• Day 315: How many Human Rights Can You Afford?
• 206: Do we Care About those that Go Without their Basic Human Rights? Or Just Ourselves?
• Day 433: The BIG Question
• Day 229: Can Equality only be Achieved through Inequality? | Equality and Human Rights - Part 7
• Day 323: IMAGINE a World that Works for All....
• Day 417: Basic Income and Nationalized Resources

Day 213: The Loop Designer - Character

I am aware that I am not living, I still perceive my life at the moment as me sitting on a vinyl record that turns, I am the stylus that reads it, but I am an old record player, when I come to the track ends, I make a little jump and start from the beginning, I am both a loop designer and a loop liver.

Not counting the irrelevant men in my Life, I had a bunch of men that I went back and forth to, one of them is dead now, cool, he got out of the loop, one disappeared as I couldn't for the life of me play the part of the woman he loved once, one is my ex husband, still in the loop, a looser loop than when I started to walk with Desteni, one is my ex of 25 years ago, separated, with whom I am friend and we will possibly spend Christmas together with the respective families, and the last one missing at the head count was my first love, of 30 years ago.

Until last night.

Last night a guy from Ireland asked my friendship, immediately my ex came to mind but his name didn't ring a bell, I friended him anyway, on his wall there were no particular reasons not to.

Then he opened a chat and asked me if I was that E. that B. knew.

A few months ago in one of my lonely sleepless nights I searched for him, I wanted to know how his life turned out, I promised myself I would not interfere in his life, I found a video of him singing a song and just left a friendly note to say that I liked his song which had a social context and told him to check out EMS.

This chat still came as a choc, funny because just yesterday I wrote about problem solving vs prevention, I kind of skimmed the point at why I became such a great problem solver, which is basically because I fucked up so many times in my life that I was forced to develop problem solving skills. I want to underline as well that this is how every great Problem Solver is born, you've got to make a lot of problems for yourself to get the experience in solving them, only to come to realize one day that you can in fact create problems so big that they rest beyond solutions, they live as consequences alone, just what we are doing in the macro in this world.

The chat took a romantic turn almost immediately, the cousin of B said he read about me in a book B. wrote, I tried to joke about it but then things became just like if we entered into a Time travel machine, I struggled to recall the memories he said he put in the book, especially the one about how happy we had been in Italy when he came to visit me, I have had this experience a few times before with my exes, where their memories did not match mine and where I filed discomfort and fighting they filed bliss and romance, so where was I at the time? Who was I?

I saw myself wanting to slip back into the character I was at 17, pity I could not recall this Character at will, too much water went under bridges, I have impersonated too many other women to keep a clear copy of That specific character and so when he said "Don't ever Change", I felt a panic shot, because I did change and this game we will play only briefly until I will stand in who I have become, which is not even clear so far but just clear enough to know I am not THAT person anymore, for sure.

And then another load of fear came up, what if he wants to surprise me, this particular fear was gutting, suddenly I wanted to be attractive again like I know I can be, instead of giving it all up within my idea of what Equality should be, let's be all ugly for Equality, because the pretty ones can un-pretty themselves and the ugly ones can't pretty themselves up and this is a whole fuck up I am just starting to write out in my MC and then desire, what if I could go back to that time, to those feelings, to those hopes of when I was 17 and I gave up everything for this man, just to run away again when he asked me to marry him. 

I have lived my life running away, basically trying to run away from myself and all the mess I created wherever I went.

Six years later with money in my pocket, a good job, I went back to visit him and asked him to marry me, I jumped into the middle of a relationship of his and he asked his girlfriend of the time 2 weeks off to spend with me but at the end he said NO and I went back to Italy to embark on 4 years of debauchery until I met my husband to be. Tonight he said he should have never let me go and that I was the big love of his life. And then he said most of the songs he wrote after were about me, and there I cried. 

For what it would have been, could have been, because he was a really nice supportive man, the first and the last that threw my pot away and maybe all my life I just fucked up because I made really bad relationship choices as I looked for More in every man I met, until I successfully turned them all into Less.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always move in my life without considering the consequences of my actions as I convinced myself that I could solve any problem I created, even when I proved to myself that I was able to create problems that turned into consequences alone with no solutions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven to do something on an impulse without seeing what that action, words or thoughts would lead to and without considering others and how my movement can impact someone Else's life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to say 'no' to relationship that might have supported me because I looked for More than what I limited myself to see in every man I found, believing that out there there was better and I could have done better for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live like the styler of a record player, without being aware that I styled for myself every single loop I walked myself into, within the desire for the comfort that I find in living the past as something known, so I don't have to adventure out there into something unknown

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, in being contacted by my 'first love' desire to be someone else, desire to delete everything I lived so I could return to be the woman he has filed as 'great' in his mind and be accepted and loved again not for who I am but for who I can pretend to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally and for making up Characters and Personas to live out in the hope that I would then accept myself, without seeing and realizing that the more Characters I made up, the further the distance I took from myself and the deeper the rejection I felt of myself by myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, on hearing from B. move into my imagination about how we could make this work, without seeing and realizing that I am engaging a fantasy that has no foundation on anything real, not even on common memories as we proved while chatting for a while when I asked myself 'where was I then', 'who was I then'?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to take responsibility for how my words have impacted others throughout my life and for always forgetting what I say so that when others remind me I can't take responsibility because I don't remember, like the fact that I told him to 'write our story' surely a line I borrowed from some Hollywood Black and white drama movie, and yet the lines I speak turn into the reality of someone else, and so it is that we turn this world into the Bollywood of Existence in which we shoot off lines 'for impact' and then stand wondering how some realities come about as if I/we had nothing to do with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a 'femme fatale' which means fatal, deadly, as wherever I walked I took life out of the people around me to feed myself and my ego, looking for subjects and never establishing relationships of equality but cancers that grew even after I walked away, without being aware that my movements in a world where I am One and Equal to everything I have created, aware or not, turned me into the same cancers I have spread around carelessly onto others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allow myself to feel moved at the idea that B. wrote most of his songs about me as that is the consequence of my desire to be "unforgettable" that drove me to mold and turn myself into the perfect woman for every man so that I could leave my sign, a scar of some sort to show my indelible passing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to write to him implying that if we didn't have a relationship it was 'his fault' because he rejected when I went back for him 6 years after, wrecking his life just to find my space in it, hoping he would save me from my own life and give me the respect I could not give to  myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not respect myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the loss of something that never was as important as I liked to play it in my mind to justify why I went back 6 years later to wreck his life, to spread some more 'fatal poison' to make sure he would forever be mine and nobody's else, because I lived to own everything, including people

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about the fact that I must make myself attractive again, thinking that I am out of this deadly pact of ugliness for Equality which I identify with bold heads in women and that I matched in fat, so I could keep my hair, and now I want my seduction tools back because I might need them and I don't want to be at a disadvantage for when the time comes

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Equality means to sacrifice everything that I valued before not by removing the value, but removing the cause, because I don't trust myself that if I have the tools I won't put value on them again and just use them at my leisure for my self interest and not for what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as my physical body, to fear the fact that if I take care of my body it may go back to being attractive again and then I will have to face the whole seduction game again, and men chatting me up and I don't trust myself and how I will behave yet

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up an idea that Equality is about all of us going down to the worse we can be, because there is a lot of 'worse' in this world by design and how can I be Equal if i look 'better' or have more than others, instead of seeing and realizing I am applying the Communist view of Equality in which instead of all becoming more and expanding to the maximum of our ability, we all become less, so we can make the scarcity of this world into a shared scarcity and be equal in lack, instead f seeing and realizing my ideas about Equality come from an idea of atonement, that I have to atone for what I have done/not done so far, which is like the denying of self forgiveness and that I can in fact forgive myself and how I have lived without any consideration for others as I realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to, prior to moving on 'impulse' which is nothing but a Preprogrammed design, to stop and breathe, assess the consequences of what I want to do, see how my movements may impact others and their lives and when I have aligned all point to What is Best for all and only then, make a move

I commit myself to not nurture this relationship for the sake of my Ego and to be self honest about what is possible and what is not considering equally myself and others in the equation, as what is best for all must be what is best for me too

I commit myself to stop creating loops for myself for the sake of comfort, because I fear the unknown and what I may discover out there that I am not familiar with or that I fear I don't have a Character that can step in to relieve me from the anxiety of the new, instead I breathe myself back Here as I see realize and understand I no longer want to play Characters but come to know myself, my fears and what are the limitations I have designed for myself so I can overcome them once and for all

I commit myself to stop making up ridiculous ideas about Equality based on knowledge and information that I adapt to a concept I have not yet lived out and explored in all its aspects and instead move myself to live Equality and Oneness first with myself as my Mind and then extend who I become as Equality and Oneness of my Mind and the Physical to what surrounds me as me

Related articles

• Day 213: Human Rats Trapped in an A-Maze-Ment(al) Game
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Day 174: Are you Dressed like a Whore? Shut Up and Die

At 7 am this morning I went down to buy cigarettes and passed my baker friend's shop (friend as in someone I know and see regularly) and she called me in.

There was a little drama unfolding which took me a few moments to place together, a young girl who was sitting on a stool was scared to death, trembling and saying 3 men tried to kidnap her but she jumped on a bus and got off where she saw some open shops to ask for help.

My friend was not nice to her, she was irritated and patronizing, somehow in my mind I could not put together the news of this situation of danger and my 'friend''s attitude, this girl explained that 3 men, Romanian, had been following her with 2 cars and 1 van, my friend asked me if I could hold the line with the police as she had to work, as the police did not reply and the line died off, I offered to walk her to the taxi stand but she was too scared to get out of the shop and said the men were outside on the other side of the street, which was in fact true, 3 men stood there were no shops and for no apparent reason looking in our direction while my friend was on the phone to the Police and asked me to hold the line, which I did.

Don't have an emergency in Italy, if you are on hold with the police for 20 minutes it's not an Emergency line, it's an 'answer at your earliest convenience line', we live in a system where everyone is out for themselves, we have not started buying guns just because we have not thought about it yet on a mass scale, but that is where we are heading, as the fears escalate so will the desire to protect oneself, no matter what, 'll shoot your brains out if I have to, welcome to the year 2012 on Planet Earth. If you are in danger you have got to be lucky to survive, if she had not found a shop open what would have been of her? Finally they picked up, I explained the story and they told me our area was, on Tuesdays, not patrolled by them and to call the 'Army' instead as it was their shift. I asked if they think to be an Emergency service or what, they said nothing we can do, so we started again the hold the line with the Army patrol, altogether it took us 30 minutes to speak to them, by that time the baker's husband took the line and told them 'just come out, will you? - we the weaklings have to be helped out, a man coming on the phone is more believable that women who are saying the exact same thing- 3 men are still waiting outside  -which was true- and there is a young girl scared for her life", the phone call went on for over 15 minutes as we had to 'convince' them of the gravity of the situation. My friend justified the police, they don't want to come out, there are so many crimes of these kind and then 'they discover the girls are involved in some sort of deal with the men they want to be saved from.

What is this supposed to mean, I don't care WHY we have to convince them to come out, there is a young girl scared shitless for her life, 3 men wait for her outside, they tried to attack her, why is THIS NOT enough?

My lady friend told her raising her voice 'look, don't bullshit me, did you know these men? how come you are out at 7 am, have you been out all night?" the girl said yes, she said she was out with a friend that she knew for a month and maybe this friend had arranged this little kidnap number. Slowly I realized my friend believed she was in with the men, that her story was made up, unclear, yes it was odd that she knew the guys were Romanian and that her phone rang and she did not pick up, the baker's husband told me one of the first questions of the police was 'How is she dressed?', when I first heard the question I thought it was funny, what do you mean, winter is coming is 7 am, what do you think, a pink tutu?

Then ALL pieces came together, my friend attitude, the police questioning, what they were really asking was 'is she dressed like a whore?', which was what my friend was implying as well, you looked for it, even though she was NOT "dressed like a whore", she had trousers and a jumper she could have been any 18 year old kid, she could have been her daughter EXCEPT that she would NOT allow her daughter to stay out the night with a man she barely knows, and so this made her a whore without the 'whore uniform', because there is a 'whore uniform', it's the one that will give a man a boner, that is THE WHORE Uniform par excellence and since I did not register 'the Uniform' I missed out on all the interactions that were going on about her right to not be raped or kidnapped or thrown onto the street by a racket, women have to earn that right, because let's face it, a WHORE is not as worthy as a NON WHORE, her Life doesn't hold the same value, we want to believe she enjoys what she does, WHORE, we don't care as much either because a WHORE reminds us of how we failed as a society, of how our system that doesn't support Life, supports prostitution on one hand, a porn industry that is creating more and more deviants, an oversexualized society, sex as the means to an end and the last resort of women who have no education and not a chance to tap into the Money System, just to shun it with the other as a social shame, something we don't want to be a part of, so let's clear this up, "Is she dressed like a Whore?", then she should just shut the fuck up and die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my friend when she was being nasty with this girl instead of helpful as I could not see she was reacting out of Fear to be involved with a prostitution ring and what that would imply for herself and her business and basically her own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Prostitutes are worth less than other women because they took 'the easy way into the money system' which is an Urban legend because fucking men you don't like and that bring to the bed all their distorted desires and sexual perversions, including violence  cannot be 'the easy way out' of anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated with this girl when it downed on me that she must have known the men, because saying they are Romanian, is not like saying they are Chinese, which is a visible physical trait, and we don't have Romanian plates for cars, so I realized she must have known the men and hence she was lying which meant she was involved in whatever was taking place and not being honest about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react inside when I realized this girl was hiding something, without realizing that she was not being honest about it because she feared the judgements we would make if she did honestly say what really happened and that this habit we have of judging each other and the fear of judgement we have is part of the reason why we have developed a society of liars as we have not investigated how to stop these fears and just out ourselves so we can face the problems we have as a society and work to fix them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitution is 'women's fault' because they are the Sellers and they are doing the Pandering as in the exploitation of Men's weaknesses, when in fact if we had a system in place that supported Life Equally and women from birth to death we would see that men would be left with their 'weaknesses' to sort out by themselves and the alleged 'pandering' would immediately end, proving the system failure and not the women's failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Prostitution to burning tires on the highway, where women made bonfires to display their goods and entice men like moths to the flame and for seeing in this the sole women's responsibility, because if there was no flame there would be no moths attracted to it and therefore it was clearly women's fault and they should carry the blame and the shame for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more and superior than a prostitute because I have not done the tires bonfires even though I have done the 'dressed like a whore' according to what men defined as 'dressed like a whore', such as in dress in a way to excite their fantasies and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that we are all prostituting to a system for Money and that the degree to which we become visible in HOW EXACTLY we do that only depends by how much money we have to cover up the whoring we do in every field of life and as such none of us is better or more than a prostitute and by no means any of our lives is worth more than the life of a prostitute

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that the reason why we take away voting rights to prostitutes that have been caught prostituting, is because we don't want them in our society as they are not worthy of representing themselves as part of it and part of the vices and depravetion we practice in secret and that we in fact FEAR to have prostitutes admitted to the society as members of it, which they are, just because that would be the admittance of out utter failure as a society to protect everyone and guarantee a dignified life for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the association with prostitutes and the problems that may arise from it, and for reacting today when the 3 men left after the police drove the girl home, driving away, honking their horns which I  interpreted as scorn, as to say, 'we'll get her next time' and for feeling that there is nothing we can do to correct this system until we stand up and declare that this has to stop, that Money and Profit has to be removed as the driving force of this world, because it has made life worthless and there is nothing we won't do to secure our place within a system of abuse even if that means abusing and harming others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitute are not like other women, because they are stained, dirty and their choices are inexcusable, instead of seeing that I feared what I would have done in their place if I too was born on the edge of a society where my only choice was to sell my body or die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted with the story of Jesus and the Magdalene, as if that story proved the greatness of Jesus that he could 'even forgive a prostitute for her sins', a prostitute, the scum of the earth, the worst of the worse, missing out the message of the parable, the message of Equality and of Self Forgiveness, were a prostitute that holds the blame and the shame of this utter failed system can release herself by stopping to believe in her own inferiority to stand as an Equal to everything and everyone in Existence

I commit myself to promote the Equal Money System as a solution to the Wrongs of this World, which include Prostitution as having to sell your body to make a living as a last resort, while I walk this correction as myself as the system, to stop all abuses within and without

I commit myself to stand as an example of a process of Self Correction to show that we don't have to live this way, that whatever role we have played, the abuser or the abused and/or both, we can stand up and self correct this sorry excuse of an existence into what is Best for All, as we land back on this Planet together to see what is REALLY going on, what we are REALLY participating in and accepting and allowing and that any girl that ends up on the street could be your daughter, your sister, your mother and if we don't like this as a choice for our Family, why isn't the World our family, why do we justify Prostitution as something that always existed, always was, the oldest trade of all times, instead of registering the point that 'shit, have we been having THIS PROBLEM' for such a long time and not looked for a solution to it? Let's get on with it !

I commit myself to walk my own Self Correction into the physical and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

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Day 173: The Queen of Spades - Looping Memories as The Shackles Within

As I write out my History/Story  about My Marriage I am not always finding a relief or the emptiness I found for other writings, some days writing puts me back into a state of despair as "What Have I done?" 

I am seeing through writing how I have been looping memories in my Life, growing the Memory Chip Card from minor acts of ugliness and senseless acts of evilness, to full blown horror land and desire to harm myself and others.

Of course with growing older, we acquire the ability to justify what we do in ever growing creative ways, finding new slants at why everyone else is to blame for how we have lived and who we have become.

In this blaming parents and society becomes essential, we give up on the idea that we would ever be able to face the true extent of what we have done to ourselves and others as we held on to our Characters for dear Life, which DEAR became indeed, as the Cost of living such a Life is something none of us was prepared to pay when we embarked in this physical experience.

To those who profess positive thinking, a practice I myself swore by for over a decade, a question should be asked. When we switch all our focus to the positive, where does all the SHIT we have participated in and as goes? If I am the Creator of my reality, does my Creation starts when I switch to thinking 'Positively' about myself and the world, or does my creation encompass everything I have ever been (as in believed to be) and denied or justified?

Because if the case is the second, that could be WHY the World is the way it is, the World having become the big giant carpet under which we have swept all the ugliness and evilness of ourselves.

When I joined the Desteni I Process, in which the initial statement is "Face your Evil", I was actually GLAD, because the Evil I have been is REAL, or let's rephrase it, as Real as the Positive but just our real Starting Point, the good and positive we embrace later in life is NOT Real and strangely I had more troubles having to manufacture my good side than admitting to my Evil Side.

We are Evil, we are born from a 'negative' source of 'energy' and then had the positive to cover it all up and allow the constant movement of friction, which is internal AS external, there are no good people in this world, if they were good, they would NOT be Here, which brings me back to my Evilness that goes as far as wanting to be the Evil-est, such as in the relationship with my ex husband, in which I can unfold what "I" did while I paint him as the Angelic creature that was Pure, and I was the Evil beast, having moved my competition from being the Best to being the Worse.

Yet in NO WAY, no matter how I have filed my memories to prove 'how bad I am, really' can I be the baddest, I must be Equally bad as everyone else, so one interesting point that came out of my writing 'the baddest in me' was precisely this 'get off your baddest pedestal', there is no competition here, we are Equally the Resident Evil of the Planet. And Yes WE ARE.

So, why hang on to the baddest of the baddest in me? Because this way I can PROVE I cannot change, come on, look at all the shit "I" have done, who can rise from THAT?

I CAN, WE CAN, when we accept that what I have done cannot define me/us unless I/We insist that it does.

So the shackling, the enslavement is an inside job, it is the way to make sure I don't change, which I no longer accept and allow of myself, I am not defined by my memories and the reason I write (note to Self) is not to drag myself back into all the shit I have done, it is to let go, to put the memories on paper and affirm that this no longer HOW I define me, this no longer runs who I decide to be, because I have not been aligned to What is best for All so far, and that includes what was best for me as Self as the Whole, but I can realign, giving up who I thought I was, because thoughts as memories and feelings and emotions are not of Life and are not Real, until I take them into myself as the Physical and breathe them into reality as Me and then walk my zombified life into existence OR I stop doing that and write myself to Nothingness, as I release on paper the scripts that I either accepted and allowed or that I have MasterMinded into Existence to prove the point that I could not change, that the load was too big, that there would have been too much to face and accepted Evil as Human nature and Myself as the Queen of Spades.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I was the Evilest of them All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the Evilest of them All, at least I would be best at something as Best in my Evil Ways

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the 'Queen of Spade" Characters as an inner representation of myself starting from my teenage years, because no matter what deeds I would have to perform or which thoughts I would have to engage to keep the throne, I was still a Queen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drag myself through my memories as an act of penance for what I have done, instead of just sticking to writing myself out to release myself from the penance I have already lived One and Equal to. within my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use who I have been and what I have done as the reason to why 'I cannot possibly change' I have done too much shit, when in fact this belief in itself is the shackles I have designed for myself to make sure that I would stay put and not challenge my preprogrammed and then accepted ad allowed existence as my own definitions of myself, without which I fear I don't know who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use memories as the foundation of my personalities that I reinforced with layers of behaviour to establish that, yes, this is really Who I am, thanks God, I don't care WHAT I am as long as I am something because the idea of being Nothing was more frightening than stepping into the Queen of Spade Role to confirm and affirm my Existence, no matter at what cost

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel advantaged and good about it when I started this process because I believed I had already sorted out the point that there was NOTHING Good about me, when in fact that was never the point, because Equally, there is nothing BAD about me either and being Evil meant I have backpedalled on LiveLife and that I have infact never lived, because living would have entailed being Here in and as Breath, always the same, in and as awareness, and not participate in energetic Role Plays just to get something out for myself such as an energetic experience to define Who I am as this was the real problem, when we started to ask, there must be something More than Me, there Must be something More than Here and then, both Me and Here were no longer Good Enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Me in and as Here was/is Not good enough, as if I had to be MORE and in my search for MORE became Less and then pretended to lose myself within Characters and Personalities so I would not have to Face this fuckup that I have created, and in my desire to not face responsibility I disempowered myself inward and outward

I commit myself to stand in and as Self responsibility, walking my Memory Line not as The Passion of Christ, because I know were that led him and where it will possibly lead me, on the Cross, but to just get there at the Cross as the Choice of either accepting and allowing this reality as is or standing up for myself and existence and What is Best for All Equal and One

I commit myself to let go my 'sad' past to no longer use it as the excuse to why I am entitled to Not Change, because I really had it rough first (Victim Character) and I dished it out with a passion (Queen of Spades), when in fact I have just been playing it all in my Mind, con-vincing myself that my experiences were real and so was I, when in fact I will never be real until I decide to stand for All as One and then walk my decision consistently no matter how many times I have to pick myself up, until my standing becomes Who I Am

I commit myself to let go of All memories that I have used to bash myself, because I see realize and understand that bashing myself is just a way to 'put me back in my place' which is basically a Character of my own design, so that I may never step out of my own designed limitation and Change and break these shackles of illusion for myself and All of Existence Equal and One 

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Day 161: The Scarlet Letter

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Published on the Desteni Website under Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 156: Stopping the Good and Bad News of Who I am

When and as I see myself reacting to something I am reading, I stop, breathe, realize that everything that exists is in fact coming from the same substance and what I react to is just a point from which I have separated myself from or wish to separate myself from, instead I see realize and understand that my participation in feelings and emotions is just a point I use to experience myself as energy and so I stop through breathing until I no longer have reactions within me as me

When and as I see myself not wanting to read a news because 'it's just too much', I stop, breathe, see and realize that I am not reading news to participate in negative emotions that prove that I am Good because 'I feel bad' about it, I am reading the news to expand myself to include everything that exists as me, beyond labels of good or bad, beautiful or ugly, right or wrong, and that whatever I see outward that is not in fact supporting Life as what is best for All, I can seek it inside of myself to self correct to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself discounting 'breathing' because I'm too busy holding my breath to get through some of the horror news of our times, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, remind myself that I am moving into an energetic experience that I use to justify why I am breathless, I can instead stop myself and breathe as a self willed act of self support, until I no longer feel friction or separation regarding what I am reading, which is but a consequence of how we created this reality from fear and self interest and why we are standing to correct ourselves

When and as I see myself wanting to 'take a step away from an event' to underline how I could have never done that', about what I am reading and the person who did it to which I feel superior, better then, I stop, breathe, realize that as The Mind I was just luckier to not have the same life experiences and genes that would take on such extremes, but I have gone to extremes in my mind and the fact that I didn't get to play them out doesn't make me better than anyone who did as the pressure valves of existence, just Equal in the Mind fuckupedness that we are standing to self correct, take self responsibility for and leave behind for good

When and as I see myself wanting to judge myself as 'bringer of bad news' meaning something that may make someone sad vs a news that may make someone happy, I see realize and understand that what I am doing is supporting their mind as feelings and emotions, as positivity vs negativity, so I too can get to feel rewarded with a positive experience of myself as being good vs being bad for being the supporter of 'good experiences/feelings' and not the party pooper depressing 'in touch with reality' one

I commit myself to finding the points within me where I have separated reality through morality of good and bad, right and wrong, leading to judgements of what is in separation from myself and to correct myself by deleting my 'stances' as opinions and judgements so that I can walk this creation as one in and as breath and not as a reactive tool of The Mind

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself reaching or about to reach the 'enough already' point, o stand up, breathe, bring myself back to the physical, realize I have gone lost into the Mind or I could not be approaching the 'enough already' point in any give moment and keep breathing until I am back here in and as breath, no longer reacting

I commit myself to stop dividing news into good/positive news and bad/negative news, as this is an energetic classification of how I experience myself when I do read or engage in something and is based on the stored information I live as me which are charged and divided by my own definitions in 'what is good and what is bad which will give me an experience of either positive or negative, both of which are not real and not representing what is in fact here in the Physical as a point that simply needs my self correction about my judgements/opinion/idea/charge, that I need to investigate to equalize myself to

I commit myself to stop judging myself for speaking the common sense of what is best for all, which is not something just grandiose such as feed everyone, but each situation, point, moment as an expression of myself has a 'Best for All' moment, and I commit myself to find it and simply express it as me within the simplicity of Breath as me as self expression.

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