Day 421: Virtual Relationships

I have just finished watching the movie 'HER', which I highly recommend.

I found it both sad and enlightening about how I have lived my own relationships and still tend to do - in my head and not applied in the physical world.

What's worse is that I did not improve with time, yet, I got worse, more distracted, more withdrawn, always resenting having to give up my 'me' time to put it into creating something real.

So sad memories about my marriage and my last relationship popped up and I am now writing to release them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to sad memories of my marriage as a way to punish myself and within this for making my memories instrumental to support specific emotions of sadness I want to feel entitled to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel unbalanced by the potential 'return' of A. because I believe I cannot contextualize this specific relationship in this moment in my life and within this for feeling already burdened, weighed down, heavy at the idea of having to walk a real relationship in the physical world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attempt to brush my emotions under the carpet and not look at them because they seem to have roots everywhere in my life and within this for feeling overwhelmed by the task of having to address the point of relationships to a solution within myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing better than suppression because I still hold on to the memory of the alternative I witnessed while growing up, which was to go crazy and be all over the place like my mother did, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am already unstable and all over the place and that my suppression leads to the exact behavior I did not want to repeat which is to blow up when I can't contain it all anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time thinking about what will I say to A. if he calls, what will I reply, what will I do, instead of stopping, breathing and go on with my life trusting that I can address anything in self honesty in the moment when a point comes up and I need to direct it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry at the idea that I might cave in to have a relationship or deny myself a relationship in fear and within this for seeking good reason as in faulty points in another as a deterrent to not do that instead of assessing the situation when the time will come and direct it to a solution that is best for all - which I don't yet know what it will be and if it will be and so it is useless spending my time this way instead of keep on walking my life and my process

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not prepare all my speeches, all my possible replies to every possible input I may be taken by surprise and end up acting out automatically one of my relationship's pattern and within this for believing that I am unable to change and overcome my weaknesses and limitation even though I proved to myself that I was able to do that in other aspects of my life and relationships are nothing different, just another point of patterning that I can release and rewrite to a solution that works for all, even if it may require a longer, more specific application

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety and to store anxiety in my solar plexus regarding my process and its incompatibility with relationships and within this for fearing that I may call him just because I want some company creating further unnecessary confusion for both

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to live out virtual relationships vs real ones because I don't want to be bothered by having to face all the triggers/reactions/annoyances that I perceive exist within a real relationship without seeing, realizing and understanding that if I stick to my commitment to be a self responsible human being I can take responsibility for everything that happens inside of myself and not project it outside on another or onto something like a relationship and I can instead seize the opportunity to correct myself to create myself as a being that can live anywhere with anyone within the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I would rather have virtual relationships than real ones is because I do not like what I see of myself when I am in a relationship and within this for fearing to face myself in the mirror of a real relationship instead of stopping all self judgement which is the cause of the fear I have to face myself and the self judgement that will follow and just work to change what I can't live with into what I can live with and be proud of

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I make a change within a relationship immediately doubt myself, immediately tell myself 'you are fake, you are faking' so that I make sure I never develop self trust and trust myself that my change may feel awkward because it's just a new behavior and I do not yet stand as it completely and within this for accepting and allowing myself as the mind to tell me I am fake and I cannot be trusted as a way to create further friction within myself that leads to my desire to give it all up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that 'giving up, is just another design, it's a fail safe system to make sure I do not stray from my preprogrammed reality and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that I could instead use the rising desire to give up as a flag for a point of transcendence that I can walk through by applying myself in writing and self corrective application

I commit myself to stop entertaining relationships in my mind, to instead breathe, walk, live and when a relationship of any kind presents itself in my physical reality to be fully present in the moment to honor, respect and consider another as would like to be considered myself.

Related articles

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• Day 417: Relationship Break Up - Get Up Neo!

Day 417: Relationship Break Up - Get Up Neo!

I want to share my experience with my latest relationship break up.

There shouldn't be much to report because I am quite seasoned at relationship break ups, I had more of those than your average woman for sure but this is my first relationship break up within process and now I have tools to investigate myself and to stand up to my mind.

It did not seem so for a few weeks, I was aware that I felt relief when he left, I was aware that I never saw us grow old together no matter how hard I tried, I was aware that I had indulged in thoughts that I had not released and that were memory based on my previous experiences and not a good foundation for a sound relationship/agreement.

So as far as a few things I did not have to look too deep, the abnormal thing was why then I was sulking, oh yes, I found two points to beat myself on the head with about what 'he did' but even that should not have been enough for that 'feeling of lack of sense' like he went and took all the sense of my life with him.

My buddy tried everything to get me to stand up but I found many excuses about why I was not required to, I had the excuse of 'mourning' in my mind, a hard to believe one because how can one mourn a man that she felt relief watching leaving? Odd.

I allowed myself to go to the bottom of this, not as in 'investigating it to the core' no, to the bottom, sinking down and down into a black hole that I compounded with the mess outside, looking for more mess, more cruelty, more absurdity out there so I could justify why I didn't have the time to look inside, bigger things than me required my undivided attention, I even considered giving up process - 'what the fuck am I doing?' was a double edged sentence, it applied both to process and to leaving it for good,

My buddy said -push, look, write - but it seemed I did not know where to start.

I started from a dream, in which half of my face was battered black and blue, my right side, I saw it in a mirror while my best friend was there with me - my long lost best friend, someone I have allowed myself to believe that if she were in my life everything would be different - and that is true, I would have her unconditional support to not change, to remain the way I am and allow her to remain the way she is, this is how we bless each other in our 'systemic relationships' as we grant one another the right to fuck up our lives with each other's, unconditional, approval.

Anyway as I started to write again from that dream, at first my writing was convoluted, of course, words were coming out in compounded flows as I worked to free myself, strings that made not as much sense as they seemed to make in my mind took life on paper and then one writing led to another.

The point that came up for me was the point of self hatred, my relationship was the lid I had put on it, I wrote two long blogs about it and kept them between myself and my buddy, again it was sad for me to see how much of myself is still projected outside, to another, to the world systems, to the pedophiles, the elite, those bastards that hold creation in their hand and won't let it go - just like me.

So today I will write out the tail, what is left of this work that I have done to release myself and my ex partner from any blame so that I can stop feeling weird when he comes around and stop justifying why I have a right to feel weird because of what I perceived he did instead of realizing I feel weird about who I am, who I believe he thinks I am and about believing that he left as a way to reject me and say I am no good, when in fact it has been me rejecting myself and wanting to give up on myself,

The white rabbit of the Matrix is the delusion that down the road there is something better, that we can get out of this matrix through someone else leading us out when the truth of the Matter is, The Only Way Out - Is Within.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project on my ex partner blame for my experience of myself and for making him responsible for how I felt used and abused instead of seeing and realizing that I have used and abused this relationship as a lid to put on a pot of boiling self hatred hoping to get a ride on his 'love' out of the self hatred I felt for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when my ex partner comes around because I fear that his presence will trigger the point of self hatred inside of me that I have compounded with thoughts like 'see, he left me, he didn't want to be with me, he used me and abused me' thoughts that I now forgive and let go instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I have just used him to access this little treasure of negative energy I held on to within myself and that he is in no way responsible for how I experience myself nor he ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize and understand that it's hard to live with someone who lives self hatred as herself no matter what she projects outside and that it was a good decision he made to leave even though he could not put into words why he wanted to remove himself from this situation because he saw himself as part of the problem, as part of my self hatred which was always and only my creation that he had nothing to do with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when he left he gave me a point of support by stating that he would not accept to live with someone who lives self hatred as herself and that I can be grateful that he allowed me the space and time to go to the bottom of this point and release myself from it without using him as an excuse to why I had a right to keep hating myself no matter what

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear what he may have thought about me, wondering if he could see all that self hatred, assuming he may have been disgusted with me, not seeing realizing and understanding those were outside projections of what was going on inside of me and of what I thought about me and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as self judgement in disgust for myself and what I accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think 'what's the sense in all of this?' about process because I wanted a way out and not have to look at those feelings and the experience of myself as self hatred because it did not seem there was 'a good reason' to hate myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these were old patterns that I have always suppressed throughout my relationships and they just surfaced now again because nothing we participate with ever goes away and I now have the tools to deal with my mind and my suppression one experience of myself at the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in denial of the fact that I held feelings of self hatred within and as me because it seemed logical that I would have worked on these feelings at the very beginning of my process since one would want to give up feelings such as 'self hatred' as fast as possible due to their 'negative' charge, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that every source of energy within oneself that has been charged and fed over time will be harder to release because it's the switching off of a potential power plant one realizes will never have the chance to tap into again and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my self hatred justifying it with thinking that 'at least I hate myself' for this creation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this world is not created through our intention, or prayers or commitments if these do  not become 'who I am' because the world is created by the 1+1 of all the Who I ams of this world and that unless I let go of my self hatred I am contributing to the hatred of this world that gives birth to violence, wars, rape and murder in the futile attempt to resolve outside the self hatred we feel inside

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously justify my 'self hatred' as righteous, as good as I embodied Christ on the cross and the suffering of humankind by hating myself which is no solution to solve the hatred of this world and which is not a way to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that some of my self destructive behaviors were nothing else but self hatred becoming physical and within this I commit myself to stop myself  from existing in and as self hatred for myself and all of existence equal and one

When and as I see myself about to entertain a thought that may trigger feelings of self hatred later down the line, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have walked my self forgiveness and I will no longer accept and allow myself to embody hatred as me

When and as I see myself bringing up past times in which I hated myself, I stop, breathe, see if there are points I have not released myself from and if there are, flag them and get to them in writing as soon as I can to let them go for good

When and as I see myself attempting to, moving to or about to try and use this relationship with this good man to hate myself, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that he gave me all the support I required by walking away and give myself the same support by walking away from the desire to engage this construct ever again

I commit myself to no longer live self hatred one and equal with me, for myself and all of existence equal and one

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Day 371: Do I 'Mind'? Yes, unfortunately 'I Still Do Mind'...

I have been off my Mind Blogs for sometime now, mainly because I have not made the effort to overcome what was going on in my private life to find the Time to go back to self support as writing.

It would seem quite idiotic to not do the one thing that could effectively support me through this time of transition, but hei, this is the nature of me as The Mind, all about survival and no brains at all, no brains of the kind that helps to sort things out, this is why we remind to each other to go back to writing, when we don't we risk to be sucked back into Mind games, we risk self diminishment, self judgement, we risk to participate in meaningless tirades about who we have been, what we have done and everything we have participated in that we are not so proud of after all, instead of taking the time to just delete and move on, using the tools I have learnt with Desteni.

So, in this first blog returning from the Depth of Minding my own businesses, I will start with clearing the perception of myself as someone who shouldn't be entitled to write at all, because I have married many different causes before and I have seen me, as the Mind, using this specific point to belittle myself, to make sure that I won't have the balls to stand up because I shouldn't, because I have been a spokeperson for too many theories and belief system that I should have the decency to just shut up.

Instead, I won't. I will never shut up again, I have had many lives, none of which worth of any note because they were all targeting one point, my self fool-fillment and not seeking solutions to realign myself so that I can be one point that starts to broadcast Me as the World I want to live in.

Here is my self forgiveness on this specific point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to intimidate myself and bully myself about having lost the right to self expression due to the many causes and belief system I have been a spoke person for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could lose credibility if I stood up for Change because of my past and the past lives I have lived as a tarot reader, crystal healer, positive thinker and Abraham Hicks supporter, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that what I participated in doesn't define me unless I accept myself to be defined by it as who I am vs realizing that what I participated in was a quest to seek the truth about this creation and why I am here and in no way diminishes my ability to stand up and say I got it all wrong and I am now ready to realign and walk a process of real self change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to speak up, write blogs and share my new stance about existence and my role within it, I would be ridiculed and be told 'give it up already' instead of seeing realizing and understanding I have always feared my own self judgement about what I participated in for self aggrandizement and not the judgement of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when seeing the name of my ex pop up on Skype, go into an anxiety about 'what if he reads what I write and then goes on to tell others that I am now involved with this 'new cult' and that I haven't changed because I am still at it, talking about ways to change myself when everyone knows that 'people don't change''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think and speak the words 'People dont/never change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest value in my 'ex husband' opinion of me as more valuable than what I am doing to change myself and for accepting and allowing myself to freeze at the idea of him rolling his eyes in contempt about the fact that what I am doing is 'unscientific, not proven to work and is just an idea in my head - not unlike the many others I pursued before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play out in my mind the distress I would feel if such an event would take place instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just my own self indulged creation coming to bite me back and that I can correct this imagination point by deleting it and no longer allowing myself to participate within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared at the idea that I have compromised my ability to share with others in common sense because I have participated in a lot of activities that lacked common sensical investigation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am walking the consequences of my unaware participation in reality and that I can correct this point by standing unwavering accumulating common sensical points until common sense is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my lack of participation in writing due to what was going on in my private life, as adjusting to a relationship that turned out to be way more demanding than I first 'thought' when I did not evaluate all the points I would have to be involved with to support this person, until he can speak Italian properly and move independently without my help

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and filled with resentment because I accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship choice based on a nice solid ass, which is not much of a point one can base a relationship on, and for then facing the fact that I can't walk away as I have always done blaming him for not being able to keep up the pace of words with me, because I knew this point would need time and for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated at the amount of time this process is taking instead of seeing and realizing that learning a language is a time based process as one accumulates words and understanding and that it was my own ass-based assumptions that made it into something else before I entered the relationship, so I would not have to consider the time point which would have been a minus while I was wanting to collect only pluses to go and live out this relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself and then bully others because I did not take the time to unbully myself in writing to avoid passing on my self abuse in the form of abuse to others

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up points about my past participation as a way from preventing myself from writing out my mind and what is going on within me, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is just a form of self sabotage and that I have the choice to not participate and move to writing myself out instead

When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear the judgement of others about my current participation -yet again- within a cult-ish group, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing cult-ish about Desteni but the label someone attached to it as a form of prevention from having to face ourselves as The Mind and keep on walking my process in self support for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming impatient with my partner because he doesn't master words at the speed I do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there are many other ways in which he is supporting me and that I am singling out this point of words as an excuse to bully him and belittle him when I accept and allow myself to bully and belittle myself, so I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, do not accept to speak words in reaction that are not supportive and are creating consequences in mine and his life and instead offer the support required to him to be able to master this language in the time it will take - that cannot be set by my ideas or opinions about it in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself desiring to blame him for my lack of participation within process, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that this is in fact self Dis'One-est as it has never been his fault if I faded away but my own responsibility to not give in to the Mind in self doubt and self judgement until I had to push to stand up again and keep walking

I commit to no longer suppress what is going on within me to the point of accumulation but instead to support myself through writings, SF and SCA until I can stand stable to keep walking my process with my group as the seed of the Humanity that will come, One and Equal, until it's done

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Day 329: Just-ified DisAgreements as Cover Ups for Pettiness and Spitefulness

Yesterday I saw myself do something nasty.

The point developed this way:

I had a conversation that I had anticipated with someone which did not turn out the way I hoped/expected where I would be the centre of his attention and concern, hence I perceived a diminishment of myself for which I did not want to take responsibility, then I used this point of diminishment to try and diminish him on something he believes in, justifying the point by insisting with myself that he is wrong to believe that particular thing and so I am on a good mission to help wake him up, when in fact I was just passing on the negativity I experienced to another instead of dealing with it ans sorting it out.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished when I am not the centre of attention, the top priority, the most important thing in a relationship because I convinced myself that this is what relationships are about after accepting and allowing myself to imprint within me the relationship of my grandparents where they both pretended to be each others' top priority, just to keep up their own idea of what a great relationship should be about

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as spite to an extent that I have created ways to justify why my spite is in fact good meaning no matter how clearly I see the point that is unfolding within me instead of addressing the point of spitefulness and stopping the pattern once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and judge myself when I accepted that I had to look at why I behaved in such a way instead of seeing and realizing that both guilt and judging myself are my way of feeling better about myself because at least - I am feeling guilty and judging myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resist facing the point even when I saw what originated my crusade against another because I did not want to admit that I was petty and spiteful and that I had allowed myself to be swept off by emotions and feelings as a consequence of having invested energy in anticipation, projections and expectation of an outcome that did not manifest as I wanted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a cover up for my pettiness in which I can justify why I am upsetting another based on what I now know to be The Truth, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am dealing with someone whose religious brainwashing has priority over his common sense and for not seeing realizing and understanding that such religious brainwashing is cult-ural and very hard to break through and that if I did not want to soon or later have to face this point, I should not have accepted and allowed myself to engage in a relationship based on hopes and expectations that I would be able to make it work - because I am working on myself - which is just another expectation, projection and hope that I have not substantiated yet enough to be able to support another as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin a relationship without considering all points and if I was able to stand stable and to support another as myself in breaking through the Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have more right than another to take an axe to a whole personality construct just because 'I don't like it and it doesn't make me feel comfortable' without seeing realizing and understanding that as I exist at the moment only as a complex ensamble of characters and personalities, so do others and that I need to consider my words when I have an exchange with another, because words are real and the consequences of my words I am not yet able to assess on a timeline in real physical time in all their dimensions and as such I should refrain from speaking or writing when it is clear that I do not have a starting point of wanting what is best for all but just what is best for me as an energetic outcome

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compete with someone else's God for attention, just because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in my relationships I must be the centre of my partner's life and that not even his God can come before me, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I have no good reasons for what I did such as 'open his eyes' or 'make him aware' and that those were just cover ups so I could vent my frustration for having had second place, third in fact because he had to go and do something with his brother before chatting with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that if I am competing for attention with something I believe it's not real, such as God, I must not be Real either or I must hold believes as delirious as those of the other person that I have not yet uncovered which is another point that I should have realized when I accepted and allowed myself to become uppity and righteous about my indisputable position as the bringer of truth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that there is nothing benevolent in taking an axe to other people's belief systems within an energetic starting point, because they are systems and in fact systems that allow them to exist without which they would crumble and break and that it takes patience and an awareness I do not yet have -if not in my mind delusions- before being able to support another as myself and I am not there yet

When and as I see myself starting to accumulate energy as frustration for not having my way, the first place, being first, being on top of the list of priorities of another, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am engaging a system and do not allow myself to step into it because I know where this system goes and the consequences I will have to face if I do engage it

When and as I see myself building up expectations and hopes on the outcome of a meeting, a phone call, a chat with whoever, I stop, breathe, remind myself that reality is not comparable to fantasy and that building up any expectation, hope or projected outcome leads to a disappointment that I am likely to blame another for, instead  do not allow myself to participate in imagination with relation to a future outcome and breathe myself back here until the desire to do so is overcome

When and as I see myself desiring to teach a lesson to another about their belief systems, I stop breathe, see realize and understand that I am just being spiteful no matter what cover up I attempt to choose to pretend I am in fact offering support, instead I see through it and do not allow myself to speak or write until I am sure that I am not reactive in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself beating up on myself for what I realize I have done, which I saw unfolding but did not take the time to stop and investigate because I had a cover up 'ready to go' to use as my excuse about why I was justified to act in such a way, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to participate in guilt or shame as I see realize and understand that guilt and shame feed the mind, instead I breathe myself back here and write myself out to make sure I do not engage the same dynamics should the point arise again

When and as I see myself desire to procrastinate writing myself out because I believe I have it all sorted out in my mind, I stop, breathe, don't listen to the excuses about why it's not required for me to write myself out and specifically if my behaviour has involved, involves another that I may risk to impact again, instead I sit down walk through my excuses and write myself out in SF and SCA to make sure I do not repeat the same patterns again

I commit myself to stop my existence as this Character personality seeking for attention and for recognition from others by writing myself out until I can walk through this point in the physical as Self Correction, standing one and equal to my mind and my physical body, for myself and all of existence Equal and One

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Day 317: Intimate Relationship = My Cup Runneth over with Paranoia

Nothing in my life, apart from Money, has the ability to set me off on Paranoia trips like relationships. The 'Intimate' ones are the best, because in those I have conveyed the fears and the Paranoia of all those that came before me and wanted to stand as an example of what life should be about, a game of winning and losing where the Fear of losing stands as the engine that pushes one to want to win, to desire to win because the alternative is the loss of things that didn't have any value until someone said, implied or in other ways delivered the concept that they in fact mattered.

So, my relationships have been plagued by Paranoias of all sorts, the most relevant ones are:

fear of loss

fear of judgement

fear of being ridiculed

fear of what others may think about me/about the relationship

fear of expressing myself sexually

fear of talking about sex,

fear of having sex too soon, too late, in a too remissive way, in a too agressive way

fear that I may not even understand what expressing mySelf sexually means as I have internalized the sexual interpretation of others, from advertisement to movies, books, stories and now I am just a broken recorder, playing out what I believe to be my preferences when all the while I am living someone else's preferences and I have not even noticed

fear of sharing my fears

fear of loss of face, which is just the fear of losing ground, of not being able to uphold an image of myself, the one through which I entered the relationship

fear of losing out/missing out on the better chances to come

fear of commitment

fear of a relationship outside of a commitment

fear of not being able to understand what a commitment is and how I should evaluate if entering a relationship that seems best is just best for me and when extending this best to another, fear that I may not be considering if this is best in the long run for both, for all

fear of not even being able to consider another in my assesment, let alone the Whole

fear of being jailed into a commitment

fear that if I commit I can never move on with 'The One' when he will finally come

fear that if I commit I can no longer play the game of keeping some men on the backburner for when I decide to move onto them as a replacement

fear of being used

fear of using others

fear of consequences

fear of being pregnant

fear of being bored

fear of being boring

fear of being obnoxious, a drag, a party pooper

fear of not being attractive enough

fear of comparison with other women who are more atractive than me

fear of losing out on his interest, that he may be more interested/attracted to another woman

fear that he is not interested if he is not jealous

fear that I will keep playing the games I learnt that are about 'winning' because they make me feel good about myself

fear of playing out my relationships based on my fears

fear of unraveling all of my fears because then what is left is the self interest that motivates my moves to ensure that I win at all times

fear that if I do tackle the relationship point, then relationship will become MEAN-ing-Less and I won't know how to relate or move inside one without all my previously carefully crafted guidelines

from tomorrow I will look into each fear to find where they originated from and how I turned my life as relationship into a paranoia parade

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• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two
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• Day 411: GPS: the Global Paranoia System Reaches Turkey

Day 291: Understanding & Facing Consequences

Facing Consequences

I have spent 5 days on and off with my ex, tension started only on day 4 when we comfortably slipped into old behavioral patterns of irritation and recrimination.

When he said 'it's so unpleasant talking to you' I brushed it off, but later when I shared this point with my buddy as I walked backwards those 5 days to see how I accumulated frustration that then blew up in a modest quarrel that I dragged over into the relationship with my mother, that point made me cry and then it made me sob uncontrollably.

Partly because it was like someone said 'I had not changed' but mostly because I believed it and felt the despair of how will I even walk out of that particular relationship. And it's just One point of the many to correct.

Then my buddy said 'understand you are walking consequences, breathe, bring yourself back here and if you need to cry, if the tears are there, do'. But they were not, they were exhausted at the first sobbing and thanks to one of the last interviews I listened to by Anu -which was specifically about Consequences and how to face them, I was not as scared about walking through them as I used to be.

I was still not clear about how I created those consequences as I still held a belief of consequences being like Karma, like a punishment, vs being just the consequential sequence of event that I set in motion through my participation in and as the mind.

So when my buddy said 'it is the result of yours and your ex's backchats about each other that has piled up over time into an energetic entity that now can take you over and throw you around, the penny finally dropped. Aaahhh, but of course, I had truckloads of backchats about my ex, that was when consequence became clear, I was riding the energetic pattern that I had woven for myself, one thought at the time, one suppressed emotion at the time, that was why at one point I found myself in familiar unpleasant ground, the energetic entity came up and I did not make the self directive decision to not participate, instead I wore the costume of the frustrated wife/ex wife Character offered and walked the well known path of 'who I had been/believed to be" within this specific relationship.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I realized I was living out a familiar pattern, instead of breathing and bringing myself back here and not allow myself to participate, move into thinking 'I have not changed' as the reason why I could not do anything different but ride the energetic experience of frustration and irritation because I gave in to the belief that I was not in control

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt frustrated and irritated, instead of realizing I was riding the consequences of what I had already built in the past through backchat and my participation in and as the mind, move into further backchat, creating additional consequences that I have laid out for myself to live in the future 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to live out everything and anything that comes up as consequence as a sort of punishment for what I have participated in, instead of just stopping my participation wherever I find myself along my self pre-designed, pre-woven path through breathing and stabilizing myself in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the topic of some relationships being the ultimate test of self forgiveness to keep for later in my process came up in my private chat with B&S, to flash the memory of Anu speaking about how we were engineered to mate with people with whom we would have the maximum friction for energy creation and within that thought/memory to feel enraged at the idea that I have been a puppet designed to be used and triggered on and off to just serve a system I can't remember I have participated in creating

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move into self victimization about what happened to me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was waking the consequences of what I myself created through my own participation in and as the Mind which I am more than capable to face and transcend

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel enraged and saddened about this Creation and how far we took the abuse of each other, projecting my rage onto the Creators of such a cruel and sadistic system when in fact I was enraged with myself for having participated all the way up to here which is another point I have used to give up my power to stand up as I accept the idea and belief that something was done onto me vs me being the Creator of my life experience and everything that I experience within and as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my ex was here, sabotage myself by comparing myself and how I was treated in my relationship with how I perceived he treated his new partner and feeling belittled by the fact he seems to be doing better with her than he did with me - which is just an interpretation of my mind for the purpose of self diminishment by using a perception of being the victim of an injustice as I deliberately picked and mixed the good bits of what I saw and heard, discarding all the other parts such as outspoken backchats, judgements and the same stuff that was going on with me that I overlooked on purpose because acknowledging reality was not functional to my desire to be the victim of the situation nor having been a special part of his life, but just the same as his new partner and I rather be special and stand out in the experience of condescension than seeing myself as equal in dysfunctional treatment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up an idea about what process is and the kind of person that should result out of such a process, such as a 'holier than thou' personality, all accepting, all embracing, when in fact this idea clashes with this physical reality and what I will have to do to take on every single abuse and abusive stance both from myself and others which may mean I might not be nice at times as in 'system acceptable' and I must be Ok with this and I will be OK with this only if I don't make up ideas, beliefs and opinions about what some kind of character/personality resulting from process should be like, as that would end up standing in the way of who I must be in each and every moment of breath as self expression with only one purpose which is to realign myself to oneness and equality and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and hurt when my ex said 'it is so unpleasant talking to you' because I felt I should have been the one saying that and didn't and as I gave up a chance to hurt him when I had the right to, because he is REALLY unpleasant to talk to, instead of seeing and realizing I was taking our habitual pattern play out personally - believing that what he said was true just because I could use this point to engage my backchat about him being a real asshole and myself being right in an attempt to not feel diminished while I failed to see that I could have just noticed what he said, not take it personally and see that we were moving into the usual pattern of trying to score over one another and not participate, not in defeat as I did, but as a choice I exercised as self directive principle of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he left -even though I saw I should not have called my mother because I was in a reactive state, to call anyway, sure that she would provide a reason for me to be 'rightly' upset, which she did, and for then making her the source of my irritation as I wanted to dismiss and brush off what happened with my ex in fear that I would tell myself 'I have not changed' just because I had a slip and within this for judging myself as bad and ineffective, attempting to invalidate everything I have done so far so I would have an excuse to why I can't change since I proved that I did not change instead of acknowledging I have changed and had a slip and it's enough to stand up from here, self correct and keep walking

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe the feedback of someone who told me I should see my ex to test my application, when in fact I did not want to see my ex but this feedback matched  my belief of the kind of person I should build myself to be, all loving, all accepting, all embracing which is just another character, the 'post process Character' which is but another limitation and definition of myself as I should be/become, that stands in the way of me being here and self expressing in self trust in every moment of breath

When and as I See myself moving or about to move into self judgement about where I am in my process of self correction, I stop, breathe, do not accept myself to cast sentences on me as the ties that I will have to work through as ConSequences of what I accept and allow myself to define myself as

When and as I See myself moving or about to move into despair because I want to give in to  the belief that I have not changed and hence I should give up, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to give into despair as that is just an attempt of me as the mind to  make me believe I can't change and I have to give up and I do not accept or allow me as the mind to dictate who I am and what I can or can't do

When and as I see myself facing the consequences of what I have created through my participation in back chats, thoughts, emotions and feeling, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am just walking through consequences and that I can remain stable as it is not the consequences of what I live that determine/define who I am but I am the one that decides and I decide I can walk through consequence and use the consequences as an opportunity to self correct in and as the stability of breath

I commit myself to no longer fear facing the consequences of what I have created, to accept where I am unconditionally and commit myself to walk through everything that I created in misalignment as Ego and self interest to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All, for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

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