Friday, February 28, 2014

Day 381: Prey to the Food God






This is a follow up to my Unhealthy Food relationship posts.

Binge Eating Disorder - Making My BED to Lie in It

Italians: Living to eat or Eating to Live

 
Considering another dimension of food together with my self commitment.

I found that there is for some reason an hidden dimension to Food and how we relate to it. Fat people will say they eat normally but keep putting on weight when in fact they overeat in secret, skinny people say it is their constitution and they do nothing special to keep in shape, when most either starve themselves or purge or overexercise to keep fit.
How do I know? because I have been all of these people.
The main point that goes with this dimension of food is secrecy due to shame.

because we cannot explain how we created a specific dimension to almost anything in our life due to our extensive living automatically vs living in and as awareness, it's not surprising that when we wonder -mainly briefly - how we got to a certain point we can almost honestly say that we don't know.
This is because we never considered our thought relative to everything we live as something to keep into account, thoughts, beliefs and ideas we have regarding any point in our life seem to be part of who we are, who we are in fact, we believe those forces to be just like 'market forces', compelling us into behaviors we no longer like or consider self supporting, we believed that they would self regulate (oh look, it's the same logic of our economic system, the belief that even though no one is responsible or accountable, the market will magically realign to something supportive from something abusive).

But the more we live the more we accumulate, until those Forces -force us and to dismantle the energy that is connected to them we have to stand at one point and will ourselves to change.

To no longer be victims of our own 'market forces', those that put us on sale to the best bidder, we have to redesign in awareness our programs.

I don't particularly enjoy this process, partly because I am one piece of the economic system and hence I enjoyed not being responsible or accountable for myself, this is why there is a sense of release when one finally 'gives up', the inner conflict ends, one accepts that there is really nothing to do and accepts to succumb.

Mainly this is how Food, among other things, became my God, it doesn't really matter if I were slim or fat, most of my day was focused on food, what to eat, when, how to not feel responsible, how to arrange dinners and lifestyles that allowed me to blame my food choices on my surrounding, friends, family, celebrations, anything would do.

This is how I ended up as a Prey to the Money God, on this purpose I would like to share one of La Fontaine fairy tales that I have read recently to a student and that I found sadly, telling the story of humanity

Its titled The Sculptor

A block of marble was so fine,
To buy it did a sculptor hasten.
'What shall my chisel, now 'tis mine--
A god, a table, or a basin?'

'A god,' said he, 'the thing shall be;
I'll arm it, too, with thunder.
Let people quake, and bow the knee
With reverential wonder.'

So well the cunning artist wrought
All things within a mortal's reach,
That soon the marble wanted nought
Of being Jupiter, but speech.

Indeed, the man whose skill did make
Had scarcely laid his chisel down,
Before himself began to quake,
And fear his manufacture's frown.

And even this excess of faith
The poet once scarce fell behind,
The hatred fearing, and the wrath,
Of gods the product of his mind.

This trait we see in infancy
Between the baby and its doll,
Of wax or china, it may be--
A pocket stuff'd, or folded shawl.

Imagination rules the heart:
And here we find the fountain head
From whence the pagan errors start,
That o'er the teeming nations spread.

With violent and flaming zeal,
Each takes his own chimera's part;
Pygmalion[6] doth a passion feel
For Venus chisel'd by his art.

All men, as far as in them lies,
Create realities of dreams.
To truth our nature proves but ice;
To falsehood, fire it seems.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to design a problematic relationship with food as I copied the unhealthy food relationship that my family and my country held with it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my food choices because it seemed better and easier than being self responsible and accountable about it instead of seeing realizing and understanding that my power to change exists only within full self responsibility and blaming others is diverting some of the shame but all of my powers and is not a solution but a temporary band aid that I commit myself to stop using once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when called out about having gone mental about food and my food choices, to justify myself about having had a hard day, a bad news, the need for a pick me up, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that all food choices I make are a statement of either self support or self abuse within the polarized relationship I am living at the moment and that unless I make self supportive choices I cannot ask the world as me to do the same

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no control over food and can never have it because my mother didn't and my grandparents didn't and so I accepted and allowed myself to believe there is nothing I can do about it even after my body moved into self defence by switching off my taste and within this for pushing my body to defend and protect itself from myself as The Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body to such an extent that I was no longer able to hear what I really need to sustain myself physically vs what I wanted to indulge in to cater to my mind and ideas and beliefs about the positive kickback I could get from eating

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there was no one else creating my relationship to food as it is, but me and that as I created it I can change it into a self supportive stance for myself and my body, equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of sweets and the pleasurable experiences I would get if I could sink my teeth into a pastry, a cake a biscuit only to become disappointed when I do because the imagination of that moment is always way superior to the moment itself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am flashing myself memories as images with an emotional attachment, seeking for a positive experience and a sense of reward to supress a negative experience of myself that I could instead address in writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application and solve it once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself regarding food to the point that I moved to a tropical island next to a fasting centre, believing that I could do damage control instead of correcting myself because I believed I was unable to do, which in itself was the acceptance of my failure instead of seeing realizing and understanding I can take the time to rewrite this program into a supportive one and walk my correction until my new feeding program would be one of support and one and equal to who I am

I fogive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to the shame for having accepted and allowed myself to believe I was weak and disfunctional regarding my relationship to food and that I had to hide what was really going on inside myself and my worship of food instead of seeing realizing and understanding I created Food as My God by accepting my submission to it instead of walking one and equal to food as a source of sustenance and one of support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up food stories to show people around me that my relationship with food was effortless and fine and that I didn't have any problem regarding food due to my perception that my shameful relationship to food was a diminishment of myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my perceived diminishment was due to my own self judgement and that I could stop judging myself so I would not be feeding the shame and the desire to pretend that everything was fine and instead address this relationship to a point of correction

When and as I see myself desiring to justify my food choices, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that if I make self supportive choices I don't need to justify them and that if I desire to justify them is because I am holding a judgement toward myself or the food I am about to it, which I need to correct in writing and SCA

When and as I see myself wanting to diminish my efforts to realign to a self supportive relationship to food by minimizing the steps I am taking to do so, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that my dishonesty regarding my relationship to food affects others that feel equally justified to never come clean about this problem so we can correct ourselves once and for all and stop our self abuse to become instead self supportive human beings

When and as I see myself fearing what others may think of me regarding my relationship with food, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I only fear my own self judgements that I project on others and apply self forgiveness to any judgement I am holding against myself in the moment to bring myself back to a point of stability

When and as I see myself wanting to believe that I have no choice, no power, no say in my relationship to food, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there was no relationship to food within me until I created one through my allowances and acceptances and then loaded it with my justifications and excuses but I can undo everything I have done, it will take a little time to peel all the layers but I can do if because ultimately I am always the one that decides

I commit myself to write about Food until food doesn't have an energetic content for me but just a nutritional physical value where, while preferences are fine, choices that are just supporting my mind vs my body are no longer acceptable and accepted



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Day 380: Authority and Men in Black




As I listened to this awesome interview about geometric shapes in the Mind, which was very bang n with something that happened to me on Saturday when I found myself repeating a pattern I had worked hard on with my mother, I realized that there are more triggers and e-motions in our Life than what we are aware of.

Yesterday as I wrote to someone something about a project I asked the question 'is it legal?' at which point, images of menacing black robed judges popped in my mind.

I don't like to think about having to face the Justice system, first because I am not at all sure that there is any Justice in the System but specifically as my image depicted, because of their black robes.

There is something ominous in my mind about the colour black associated to authority, so last night as I lay in bed I revisited the Colours of Authority and I was amazed at the fact that we painted Black either what we naturally fear, like Death, or what we want people to fear, like Priests and Judges, at least here in Italy - we went softer for Police and Army with the Blue, with a hint of black we should say, that is what Navy Blue is all about, it's the Black drop that makes it 'Navy', the Catholics are quite demonic with black and red, blood red, but that is the colours of Milan AC as well, Berlusconi's soccer team, and then we have the white, the virginal white, white is all pure and clean and safe, so we put our doctors and nurses in white clothes and then the self elected Gurus of the world also wore white to signify The Light and how aligned with 'Good' they were vs the Forces of Evil in Black.

Can one fear the legal system or authority just because they wear black robes? Yes one can, it happens to me and I just realized it.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect colours with experiences, feelings and emotions, to copy and paste colors tags with their emotional content inside of myself, from others who gave to me both the word and its value within their own value system based on experiences, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a resistance to the color black when worn by authority because black has a content of fear that I have never addressed before to clear it out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that the use of colors in our society for positions of Imaginary Authority is deliberate, to promote and provoke fear and hence submission, obedience to the system as it was designed and passed on to us by others who have submitted and obeyed before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the color black to death and within this for fearing death and dying and the suffering that revolves around the death of someone for their family and friends, without seeing, realizing and understanding that is not the colour in itself that I feared but the reminder that Death is just around the corner for all of us and we won't be able to escape it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the color black within Authority to a memory of my grandfather's dog who would chase priests until they were in sight, because he was taught to attack priests and to recognize them by their robes by my  non catholic grandfather

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that supporting a system that needs to make us fearful for respect means that it is not deserving or earning our respect but commanding, demanding it, through manipulations that include visual manipulations to elicit an emotional response to make sure we don't step out of the line and take orders from the Men in Black -if we wish to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the color black is loaded with meanings that I have accepted, allowed and then riconfirmed for myself as valid and that this is the reason why when I see or imagine an authority figure dressed in black I feel a movement of fear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the color black, not seeing realizing and understanding that the fear of the color black is a construct to keep us away from the truth of who we really are as the eternal darkness of life and within this for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything white was instead good, worthy, pure and desirable, like the white light and energy, instead of seeing and realizing that this world is upside down and there's more to it than meets the eye

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, at the height of my self judgement and disconnection to myself, become the color black, embody the color black to signify I was dead, beyond repair and that there was no chance for redemption for me and within this for giving up on myself and for believing I could never change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire the power of the color black that I perceived oozing from those who wore it in position of authority, without seeing, realizing and understanding that the power was never in the colour black or in any colour per se, but was my own perception of power projected and separated from myself into the color black

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see protection from the colour black and the Authority and Power I perceived as it, without seeing, realizing and understanding that everything in this world has just the meaning and content we either accepted and allowed or we gave to it and as such we can redefine everything in existence to clear it from emotions and feelings and return it to what it is, in case of colours a particular range of light refraction or the absence thereof

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give special values to colours because, as I accepted and allowed myself to make one colour more than another I then allowed myself to be triggered into experiences of Fear, purity, Passion and Love just by association with a colour instead of remaining Here at all times stable in and as breath

When and as I see myself having a movement when faced with someone in a position that I perceive of power wearing the color black, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that there is nothing special about the colour nor about the person standing in front of me but what I project onto them due to my associations, beliefs, ideas and thoughts I have lived one and equal to myself

When and as I see myself desiring to wear black to harness the power of this colour, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that whatever I need outside of myself to make myself 'more' is in fact a point of diminishment as I accept and allow myself to believe that I don't have enough power, that I don't exist as a self empowered being and so I stop, breathe, remind myself that a colour is just a colour and that I am enough onto myself

When and as I see myself going into my mind regarding which colour to wear according to a special imaginary meaning, I stop, breathe and wear instead what is most fit for what I have to do within the system without giving any special value to anything external of myself in regarding to colors

I commit myself to no longer be impressed, manipulated or triggered into experiences, memories or ideas about value regarding the colour black or the imaginary authority of men who wear it.




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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Day 378: Italians - Eating to Live or Living to Eat





A couple of weeks ago a Romanian girl came to my home and made this comment about Italians - that we live to eat.

I had already noticed our cultural food pattern as a way to confirm our 'special identity', since I came back from abroad I have noticed that we have so many food programs on TV it's hard to keep up with them, Eating in Italy is not like putting fuel in a car, it's not a point of self support, it's a Religion.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy and paste my cultural programming about food and its relationships to a positive experience, satisfaction and feeling good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question the point that people eating when not hungry would be like trying to fill an engine tank when full, which is not common sensical but an obvious point of misunderstood/mistaken functions both of the body and of the food meant to nurture it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the word food with the word love so that when I seek to 'love myself' I feed myself just like my family did with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to obsess about food turning it into a religion to which I go and pray when I am down and feeling blue

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as I define food as a positive experience I will create negative experiences in my life to grant myself permission to feed myself beyond my needs with the excuse that 'I need a little pick me up'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and imagine that there is nothing left in my life once I understood that I had to let go of my energetic addictions without seeing, realizing and understanding that food is an energetic addiction all by itself and that I am having troubles to let it go, because I have defined my life as empty and hollow -apart from food, instead of correcting my perception of my life being empty and hollow if I don't participate in energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a country where the focus on food is higher than the focus on social issues, politics or what goes on in the world is in fact sick and not special, because we won't be able to change the world one slice of Parma ham at the time but we will have to redefine what is important for real and address what is at the core of our dissatisfaction that we learned to treat with food

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud and superior because I come from a country where the food is superior, best, incomparable, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I belong to a system where our slavery has been carried out through food as one of the means of keeping us entertained and dull to the reality that unfolds around us

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into discussions with people and create conflict over what food was best, insisting that there is no comparison to our food and all our traditions instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am a product of an environment where food is used to increase our sense of nationalism and belonging and it is a divisive tool and not a uniting tool and hence nothing to be proud about but something to redefine into self support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to file memories of happy moments related to sharing food with friends or family without seeing realizing and understanding that my memory were edited in support of a construct that already existed within me as 'food is a positive experience' where I edited out the fights, the nasty words and the energetic games that went on with the food to make sure that I could hold on to food as a positive experience that was not affected by anything else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive letting go of food as an addiction as something sad, as something that is not auspicable or desirable, as something that goes against my very culture and one of my reasons to exist instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am resiting the letting go of the positive experience of food in fear that I will have to experience the void I created by defining everything else that I perceived I am left with as negative, as not enjoyable, as not enough while I now see realize and understand that I can change those definitions until I remain stable beyond the need for positive experiences to balance out my self created negative experiences about my reality

When and as I see myself desiring to get up and go and get some food when I am obviously not hungry, I stop, breathe, push myself to face what has come up within me that I have defined as a negative experience so I can correct myself and move beyond the need and desire to reach out for food to give me the positive experience I am seeking to balance out my self created negative polarity

When and as I see myself picturing in my mind a food moment as a way to escape an experience of myself, I stop, breathe, remind myself that my internal experiences are not to be feared or suppressed and that I have the tools now to bring them up, look at them and apply myself to let them go for good

When and as I see myself having mind food tantrums in which I seek specific food that I have connected to a sense of fulfillment, I stop, breathe, look for what I am not fulfilling that is leaving a void within me and address the void and not my imaginary food solution

When and as I see myself feeling pride for some Italian food or tradition I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that food is just fuel for my body that I can enjoy but I don't have to worship and bring myself back here in stability with and as breath

I commit myself to sort out my relationship with food and change it into a self supportive point of nurturing for my body and no longer an energetic feed for my mind

I commit myself to keep digging into the food construct I am wanting to change and realign to what is best for me and what is best for all until the change as me is stable and one and equal to who I am


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