As I write out my History/Story about My Marriage I am not always finding a relief or the emptiness I found for other writings, some days writing puts me back into a state of despair as "What Have I done?"
I am seeing through writing how I have been looping memories in my Life, growing the Memory Chip Card from minor acts of ugliness and senseless acts of evilness, to full blown horror land and desire to harm myself and others.
Of course with growing older, we acquire the ability to justify what we do in ever growing creative ways, finding new slants at why everyone else is to blame for how we have lived and who we have become.
In this blaming parents and society becomes essential, we give up on the idea that we would ever be able to face the true extent of what we have done to ourselves and others as we held on to our Characters for dear Life, which DEAR became indeed, as the Cost of living such a Life is something none of us was prepared to pay when we embarked in this physical experience.
To those who profess positive thinking, a practice I myself swore by for over a decade, a question should be asked. When we switch all our focus to the positive, where does all the SHIT we have participated in and as goes? If I am the Creator of my reality, does my Creation starts when I switch to thinking 'Positively' about myself and the world, or does my creation encompass everything I have ever been (as in believed to be) and denied or justified?
Because if the case is the second, that could be WHY the World is the way it is, the World having become the big giant carpet under which we have swept all the ugliness and evilness of ourselves.
When I joined the Desteni I Process, in which the initial statement is "Face your Evil", I was actually GLAD, because the Evil I have been is REAL, or let's rephrase it, as Real as the Positive but just our real Starting Point, the good and positive we embrace later in life is NOT Real and strangely I had more troubles having to manufacture my good side than admitting to my Evil Side.
We are Evil, we are born from a 'negative' source of 'energy' and then had the positive to cover it all up and allow the constant movement of friction, which is internal AS external, there are no good people in this world, if they were good, they would NOT be Here, which brings me back to my Evilness that goes as far as wanting to be the Evil-est, such as in the relationship with my ex husband, in which I can unfold what "I" did while I paint him as the Angelic creature that was Pure, and I was the Evil beast, having moved my competition from being the Best to being the Worse.
Yet in NO WAY, no matter how I have filed my memories to prove 'how bad I am, really' can I be the baddest, I must be Equally bad as everyone else, so one interesting point that came out of my writing 'the baddest in me' was precisely this 'get off your baddest pedestal', there is no competition here, we are Equally the Resident Evil of the Planet. And Yes WE ARE.
So, why hang on to the baddest of the baddest in me? Because this way I can PROVE I cannot change, come on, look at all the shit "I" have done, who can rise from THAT?
I CAN, WE CAN, when we accept that what I have done cannot define me/us unless I/We insist that it does.
So the shackling, the enslavement is an inside job, it is the way to make sure I don't change, which I no longer accept and allow of myself, I am not defined by my memories and the reason I write (note to Self) is not to drag myself back into all the shit I have done, it is to let go, to put the memories on paper and affirm that this no longer HOW I define me, this no longer runs who I decide to be, because I have not been aligned to What is best for All so far, and that includes what was best for me as Self as the Whole, but I can realign, giving up who I thought I was, because thoughts as memories and feelings and emotions are not of Life and are not Real, until I take them into myself as the Physical and breathe them into reality as Me and then walk my zombified life into existence OR I stop doing that and write myself to Nothingness, as I release on paper the scripts that I either accepted and allowed or that I have MasterMinded into Existence to prove the point that I could not change, that the load was too big, that there would have been too much to face and accepted Evil as Human nature and Myself as the Queen of Spades.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the Evilest of them All, at least I would be best at something as Best in my Evil Ways
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the 'Queen of Spade" Characters as an inner representation of myself starting from my teenage years, because no matter what deeds I would have to perform or which thoughts I would have to engage to keep the throne, I was still a Queen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drag myself through my memories as an act of penance for what I have done, instead of just sticking to writing myself out to release myself from the penance I have already lived One and Equal to. within my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use who I have been and what I have done as the reason to why 'I cannot possibly change' I have done too much shit, when in fact this belief in itself is the shackles I have designed for myself to make sure that I would stay put and not challenge my preprogrammed and then accepted ad allowed existence as my own definitions of myself, without which I fear I don't know who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use memories as the foundation of my personalities that I reinforced with layers of behaviour to establish that, yes, this is really Who I am, thanks God, I don't care WHAT I am as long as I am something because the idea of being Nothing was more frightening than stepping into the Queen of Spade Role to confirm and affirm my Existence, no matter at what cost
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel advantaged and good about it when I started this process because I believed I had already sorted out the point that there was NOTHING Good about me, when in fact that was never the point, because Equally, there is nothing BAD about me either and being Evil meant I have backpedalled on LiveLife and that I have infact never lived, because living would have entailed being Here in and as Breath, always the same, in and as awareness, and not participate in energetic Role Plays just to get something out for myself such as an energetic experience to define Who I am as this was the real problem, when we started to ask, there must be something More than Me, there Must be something More than Here and then, both Me and Here were no longer Good Enough
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Me in and as Here was/is Not good enough, as if I had to be MORE and in my search for MORE became Less and then pretended to lose myself within Characters and Personalities so I would not have to Face this fuckup that I have created, and in my desire to not face responsibility I disempowered myself inward and outward
I commit myself to stand in and as Self responsibility, walking my Memory Line not as The Passion of Christ, because I know were that led him and where it will possibly lead me, on the Cross, but to just get there at the Cross as the Choice of either accepting and allowing this reality as is or standing up for myself and existence and What is Best for All Equal and One
I commit myself to let go my 'sad' past to no longer use it as the excuse to why I am entitled to Not Change, because I really had it rough first (Victim Character) and I dished it out with a passion (Queen of Spades), when in fact I have just been playing it all in my Mind, con-vincing myself that my experiences were real and so was I, when in fact I will never be real until I decide to stand for All as One and then walk my decision consistently no matter how many times I have to pick myself up, until my standing becomes Who I Am
I commit myself to let go of All memories that I have used to bash myself, because I see realize and understand that bashing myself is just a way to 'put me back in my place' which is basically a Character of my own design, so that I may never step out of my own designed limitation and Change and break these shackles of illusion for myself and All of Existence Equal and One