Day 256: The Experience of Others -My Responsibility?

Today the husband of the lady that comes to me for massages -that has lately joined her for his back pain - called me to tell me they won't be coming tomorrow because they had a very bad night and she has moved back into her blamefull hateful Character for which she is on antidepressants. He seemed to want to share how bad it had been, I told him to ask her if she wanted to come up in the afternoon for a coffee and he said 'I will ask her when she allows me to talk to her at the moment she doesn't want to see me, she has been blaming me all night - the psychiatrist will come tomorrow'.

I moved almost immediately into anxiety and went looking for my responsibility for how she is experiencing herself, I tried to resist her attempts to put the responsibility for her health in my hands all the time when I was aware of what she was doing, returning this responsibility to her every single time and underlining that it was in this responsibility for her health and herself that the power to get better was but it's a lifetime habit that I saw her resisting nail and tooth, regardless of pushing back the responsibility at all times prior to today I had a couple of episodes in which I did ask myself 'what did I do wrong?' as a result of her changing mood or reverting back to the 'Complainer Character'.

I had a tinge of angry backchat as well during which I went and interpreted her abusive behavior as just that, a fucking abuse she covers up with personality problems, but what do I know, some are so far down the line into personalities and Character's Possession that they have lost their ability to self direct and are just taken over, specifically due to how we are made to believe what happens into our minds is a random occurrence on which we are powerless, until we believe it. 

How else could the Psycho drug industry thrive off Mental Illnesses?

When I was a kid my mum used to blame me for her mood changes, initially she would use an event that could "objectively" be taken as my responsibility such as a poor grade at school but as time progressed and so did her mood imbalance, she would either make up things I allegedly did, said or 'thought' -but she could see the incriminating thought clearly from my face from her superior 'parent position' she claimed- to make me responsible for how she experienced herself.

I believed I was the cause of her imbalances and that I should be blamed for how people experienced themselves around me, a huge unbearable responsibility to say the least.

Of course I copied this Character and then did it to others, in fact I developed the ability to collect points of failures of others toward me just for this purpose, so that when I would have a mood swing I already had the reasons lined up to blame it on someone else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was responsible/the cause/the origin of my mum's mood swings specifically when I did not intend to cause any trouble but the mood swing would come and then I would have to take responsibility for my imaginary faults to have peace at home again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother's mood swings and being made responsible for them instead of seeing I was the one accepting and allowing the blame and responsibility that was pushed on me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up 'imaginary faults' in others to justify my own mood swings and to seek for words, deeds and movements in others that I could file and use just like my mother did to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mother would have a mood swing and send me to my room to 'think about it' to develop a habit to look and search for my responsibility in my words, thoughts and deeds, believing that it was something I had done, didn't do that brought about a change in her and not herself doing it to herself, until I would come up with something wrong in me that could in fact be the cause for her behavior, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that She was always the origin/source of her experience and then her behavior and not me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dread spending time with my mother when she was sick because I always feared that I would overlook something, make the wrong expression, say something that could be twisted and turned to build into the explanation for the mood swing she was about to experience, which I could already assess as soon as we would get together, having developed the ability to foresee coming troubles in an attempt to stay away from it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of the fear I accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to with regard to my mother and her mood swings, to develop a defensive personality in which I move as into like a fortress, whenever I spend time with people that I perceive are on the brink of a mood swing according to my own perception and judgement of what is a good mood vs a troubled leading to problems mood and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to protect myself from other people's mood swings because I fear their mood could end up affecting me as they'll end up blaming me for it, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I don't have to be affected by other people's mood swings when I take responsibility for myself and the way I experience myself not even when they try or attempt to blame it on me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to question myself with regard to my responsibility for other people's mood swings and within this for accepting that I was in fact responsible for how others perceived themselves and for accepting the responsibility of the experience of others within their own minds I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I experienced myself without seeing, realizing and understanding that I accepted the responsibility of how others experienced themselves so I could then blame others for how I experienced myself and for believing that I had the right to do to others what I didn't like others to do to me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did accept the responsibility of the experience of another, I inherently had power over them, as in the power to 'make them feel' one way or another, and for manipulating or attempting to manipulate the experience of another through the way they felt by deliberately doing what I learnt from my mother 'made people feel good about themselves' for the purpose of being the Creator of a 'Positive' Experience within another and as such more powerful than they were within their own experience of themselves I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear mood swings in people that are sharing time with me, because if a mood swing happens 'under my watch' it means it's my fault and ultimately my responsibility, without considering that as I am responsible for my own experience so is everyone else and that I don't know what goes through the mind of others at anytime or what can trigger a 'negative experience' and since everything is happening for each of us inside our own Mind Bubble, we can only be responsible for ourselves and what we experience or react to, but not about what others experience and react to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that as I desired the Power of generating a 'good experience' inside another, I made myself bound to the responsibility of their experiences 'good AND bad' and for not seeing realizing and understanding that there cannot be Masters without slaves and that Masters end up enslaved to the relationships they created toward another that was not born of Equality and Oneness but from the desire to win over, be more and superior to another being I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told today that the lady that comes to see me went into one of her Evil breakdown, to question myself for responsibility, assuming it must be my doing, my fault, that I must be in someway responsible instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am only supporting her body as a potential bridge to health but she is still the one responsible and having to do the work to get better and out of the Patterns that are causing her suffering as that is her creation and she is the only one that can undo it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told she will be seeing the psychiatrist on Monday, to go into my mind and imagine meeting him and blaming him as part of the problem for all the crap suppressant he has been giving her over the years, without seeing, realizing and understanding I don't know the whole story of her medical mental history, and that suppressing the demonic in her may very well have been the best this doctor has found to not have the people around her pay the consequences of what she goes through, and that instead of going to my mind to fight whatever support she may have been able to find, I should breathe and return to her the responsibility for her health recognizing she is the one choosing the suppressant medication and the doctor is doing what he knows how to do to avoid further consequences for herself and others and within this for judging her, her relationship and the doctor I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard in her husband's voice the distress for what he was going through, to move into an angry blamefull backchat on the line of 'you did it again you bitch, how do you even get away with it' when in fact this backchat is my own self judgement of myself for when I did embody the blamefull Character and made others responsible for how I felt and how I experienced myself and for doing to others what was done to me instead of stopping the chain of blame and abuse I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shift the blame from myself to the psychiatrist, without considering her in the picture and her own self responsibility for what she is living, and for feeling sorry for her husband as the victim of this situation without considering that whatever play out is on it's a dance the two of them are playing with each other that only they can resolve and for desiring to take sides between who is wrong and who is right, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself interacting with another and attempting to be responsible for how they are experiencing themselves, such as in 'good moments' for which I could pat myself on the shoulder for the 'good positive experience' I can believe I have been able to generate for another, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I want to be the source of the good/positive experiences of another then I will have to be responsible for being the source of the bad/negative experiences of another, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that each one is responsible for how they experience themselves, the good, the bad and the in between

When and as I see myself cringe or about to cringe under the impression, the news, the realization that someone who is in "my circle" is experiencing themselves negatively and I see myself trying to, moving toward or about to assess my responsibility for such experience, I stop, Breathe, do not allow myself to make myself responsible for the experience of another in any way shape or form and see realize and understand I am responsible for how I react to the experience of another but not for their experience of themselves

I commit myself to no longer participate in the construct of taking responsibility for how another experiences themselves be it good, bad or in between as I see realize and understand I have the responsibility to self correct myself but not the power or responsibility to 'self correct' another

I commit myself to no longer participate in the fear of being responsible for other people's mood swings and to investigate when and how this Character comes up to self correct myself until I stand stable in and as Breath realigned to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• 112 - Doped up on Hope
• 166 - Introspection
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• 165 - Personalities to Blame You With
• 113 Response-ability for Others

Day 195: The Evil in Childhood

First I want to redefine the word Evil for myself as it has much negative/bad/dark/ EVIL lol charge that approaching this subject still makes me cringe at some level, nothing in comparison to prior my meeting with Desteni, when I would have shivers at the mention of Evil or Demons, but there is still a sense of uneasiness in walking this topic, even more if the topic is Evil in Childhood= Anathema.

In fact what is Evil if not Live backward? The point that we have never been One and Equal to Life, living the Oneness and Equality of who we could have been, giving to each other what we would have liked to receive, but no, we had to become winners on a planet of Losers, we had to be more than another in fear of being less, we had to find meaning in our Being-ness instead of just Being here expressing ourselves in real Freedom with One another, sharing this planet and a Dignified Life in which we would be real support for one another, real Human Beings instead of backstabbing evil demons, hence we lived, existed and did it all backward.

I never believed in the innocence of children, I had my reasons, I don't recall myself as innocent ever, my memories start with deception and manipulation and a sense of being lost in a place no one seemed to know much about including the WHY we are Here and what we are supposed to do. Stretching the story of 'living; into something 'beautiful' is just that, a huge stretch of the imagination, my childhood years from when I can remember where made of anxiety, a feeling of being out of place, not belonging and a huge fear that this place wasn't even a bit safe, and the sense of not being safe started with my family, I didn't trust them one bit.

When my girlfriends started to have children, I never changed my mind, I had a lot of guilt too due to believing that I was able to see right through children and not being able to buy into the crap of their 'good intentions and good hearts', we are not born with good intentions, we are on a survival trip, no matter the stories we tell each other about our goodness or other's goodness they are all hard to believe if we really want to see the truth in all our current interactions, if we miss them, there is a whole World showcase to catch up, the World as a Mirror of Ourselves.

In this I always saw myself at an advantage, I just did not Really believe in Goodness, pretended to, made efforts to, wanted to, but from my experience if you dug deep enough the underlining bullshit would come up in everyone, priests, teachers, nuns, 'la creme de la creme' was still the 'same old same old' bullshitting in sheep's clothes.

This started in childhood, a memory comes up of a time in which I spoke with a baby's voice to charm my step-grandmother, she did not like me, not openly because she was still a Step away from the main Blood family, but when we were alone she was nasty and she would tell me I was a liar and not good, I feared that she saw the bullshitter in me and around her I suppressed much until I found a Character she enjoyed, the subservient one. My mum was another point of self doubt in my life, some of the things she said about me and my clever manipulations were just too embarrassing to hear, some were true and some were not, but even the ones that were not I started to believe they must be true, that maybe those were my 'ulterior motifs' this just lead me to improve my bullshitter skills, to find ways to promote my Characters better, adjust them, fine tune them, until I found the right mix that could keep most of them happy and myself out of trouble.

Interestingly this movement within me had an unexpected side effect: since everyone seemed out 'to expose me and my evil ways' I first started to believe that they were better than me, they must be better or how would they dare calling a spade a spade -was I a Spade-, they must Not be a Spade for such Dare. So a Character was created as 'I am the Worst, everyone is better as in More Good than me'. So through my life I pushed to trust people based on this belief, much of my discoveries did not match this assumption, but I insisted, there was a consolation in the belief that if I am No Good, maybe someone out there is, there better be someone good out there, I am sure there is and I'll find them out and join them.

This Character would thrive on making up excuses for others, hoping they would in return excuse me, justify me for who I was and had accepted and allowed myself to become.

But it never applied to Children, it's like I froze my awareness about the Evil of this world into Childhood and could never move past it and then I went on seeking the good in Adults, fat chance, yet the resistance to see the Evil in everyone is still occasionally there, meaning I see it and then pretend not to, hope they won't see mine either, so we can keep playing the Hide and Seek of this Evil existence into oblivion.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as a kid believing I was not Good Enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe as a kid that I was bad and evil and one of a kind instead of realizing I was in the process of aligning to this world and the examples I saw around me and what I understood it was required of me to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe myself as a kid for giving up on myself and for then projecting this perceived hatred that I believed to be me on other kids because I could not buy their bullshit for a second, just because I had become too devious to be able to buy mine


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the definition of myself on how others said 'they saw me for my true colours' even when my colors where still in the process of becoming clear to myself or others, taking personally what others exposed about themselves as something about me until I believed that everything they said about me must be true because they were the adults in the equation and they were the ones who knew better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilt because I could clearly see the darkness and evilness of children since I was exposed to my own at a very early age, instead of seeing and realizing I had bought into the same projection game and was now doing to children what was done to me as a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was really bad and evil for seeing reality for what it was, until I stopped and tried my best to align with Not seeing reality for what it is so I could have some peace of Mind and stop asking myself questions that no one had answers to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and believe that guilt to be who I am, when my girlfriends had kids and I could not see those kids as pure and innocent through the eyes of their mothers/my girlfriends no matter how much I wanted it, and for suppressing what I believed I saw because it was inappropriate, because at some level I was aware that what I saw was about me as my stored self judgements and condemnations and no one else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Storyteller Character because reality was not good enough, not funny enough, not entertaining enough to guarantee I could access the approval of others and as such I had to spice it up, until I would con-fuse myself into alternate reality making myself unable to distinguish what really happened after I changed the stories I told so many times to fit the audience I was telling them to and for creating alternate realities for myself as a kid through storytelling reality I forgive myself



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to betray myself by abdicating who I am to the Mind to live the Life that was designed for me and not the Life I could have been as Breath Here in and as the Physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of other kids who seemed to have a 'better life', 'better parents', comparing myself with my family and thinking I could not possibly belong there, what was I doing with 'those people' and why was I supposed to love them when in fact most of the time I just plainly feared them and then felt guilty for fearing my own family which added to the belief that I was evil and bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be merciless toward the kid I have been, wanting to disown myself as I perceived and then believed I was dishonorable by the age of 10 and that was not the road to the kind of human being I wanted to become as a 'good human being' and yet the road seemed set before me and I could just walk it because I believed 'this is Who I am' and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mercilessness of myself onto other kids, because I wanted them to be exposed as I was exposed for the little liars and manipulators that they are, as I was, instead of seeing and realizing how is it that we are creating this monstrosity we call Humanity spoiling kids for life along the way and how can we stop and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek solace in the belief that there must be something good in this Creation, just so I would pile up one disappointment after another until I faced the point that there isn't, pushing to get to the worst inside everyone, hoping to not find it, feeling guilty all the way and ending up believing that had it not been for me, they would have been fine, good people, instead of seeing and realizing I sought the evil in others as my justification for the evil in me, instead of facing my own Evil once and for all and release myself from it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family because I believed THEY were the ones who took the worst out of me to start with, which was the point that I believed caused envy and jealousy for other kids who seemed to have better lives and less shit to deal with, instead of seeing and realizing I just wished for another life and not the one I had walked into through my acceptance and allowance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that other kids would be punished for 'who they were' because I believed I was punished for who I was until I complied to the "Be Nice commands" and aligned with the Sugar Coating as Humanity that is required to live in this world but I for one would not be the one pretending Kids are fine and innocent and secretly suppressed the desire to see them all punished so I could feel better about myself as they too would be exposed and pointed at as unfit for this world and I would not have to feel so bad about myself as the memory of the suppressed kid that I have hang on to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with pictures of my childhood that would justify the Characters I then set out to design and create for myself, I now release myself from those pictures as thoughts to no longer allow myself to be triggered into behaviors that I then justify with 'the kind of life I had/believed I had/ made up in my own mind'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that what some of my Family saw in me and condemned was what was hidden within them and they condemned about themselves as I was the product of my Family first and then my environment and all the following brainwashing of an insane society that can only produce insane human beings, and that this was the root of my dislike for children, as I saw in them as children what I had not liked and condemned about myself as a child and then wanted, wished to have them called out for it and exposed in spitefulness as I had been called out and exposed


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my grandparents who instead praised me and only saw 'the good' in me, were just lying to cover up their own evil as the separation we all share that brought us here and that created a world that is backward, upside down, where nothing works but we pretend it does, so we can pretend we are fine too and keep this creation where nothing is what it seems going for the future generations, instead of stopping it once and for all to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing worth saving in what we created as ourselves as The Mind in separation from one another and we need to make a U turn to realign to Oneness and Equality and a Life that is truly best for All.

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• Facing the Evil within - the KEY to Self Awareness - Day 188
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• Jealousy and Frustration - I want the Life they Have - Day 216
• Day 10 - Kids React - Pt.1
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Day 194: You can always find the Evil behind the Good..& not viceversa

Today I have listened to one of the Amazing Interview by Anu, titled "The Key to Life through Evil", it was a pretty amazing experience.

A few days ago I had listened to the "Force of Good", which was awesome too, but it didn't hit me in the same way, it is possible that I was hit more specifically by "Evil vs Good' just as a build up, because the 'Force of Good' felt disturbing and for sure I split while listening to it -the usual disappearing act-, not because I am not aware of the Evil of reality or of this Creation as Ourselves, just because it felt a bit like the news, too much bad/negative information in one go to process.

I have had very bad back pain for some time now, it is possibly a posture problem, I have added a cushion just because my mother commented that I was not sitting at the right height the last time she saw me, which was true, but it was a height and a stretch my body had adjusted to, and then I had a series of new adjustment pains that took over everywhere, from the back into my shoulder blades and my neck, it got better only when I stopped writing for a while. On the point of pain I need to write out as well, I have developed a personality with a High Pain Threshold, the Brave One -apparently- and take some pleasure in enduring my personal 'hair shirt', the proof of my endurance under the least auspicious of conditions. But this is for another Blog.

The point of today's Blog is the point of Evil, one sentence was particularly poignant in the interview and hit home: "you can always trace Evil back from Good" and interestingly enough, not viceversa.

You can't find anything good in Evil -no, positive thinking delusions and optimism do not apply as we are talking Reality in this instance-, in fact it is even truer that you need Evil for Good to exist.

To feel good, you must do something 'good' for someone who is 'out of luck' or 'feeling bad', there is never an example where Good can exist without Evil/Bad/negative being there first to create the very condition for Good to exist.

After the interview I had my own personal example. I boarded an almost empty bus and sat down, I still have issues with sitting down because my mother would make me stand as a kid because 'I did not need to sit' in case someone who needed the seat more than me, young and vibrant, would board the bus. If I had been allowed to sit, at the view of someone 'less fortunate' in age or physical condition I would have to get up and give my seat, my mum would give hers as well all according to 'who was the least fortunate', if she was, just by the fact of having a kid and possibly being loaded with bags, there would be a mental 'need' contest to assess who had more 'rights' to the seat. So I have 'seating' issues still and when I sit down even in an almost empty bus, I feel slightly guilty.

After a couple of stops a hoard of students boarded the bus, one run to sit in front of me, the bus filled up and all seats were taken, his friends gathered around him and one of them started to talk about his injured leg and how he should sit down as he was still recovering from an operation, his friend was laughing and trying to pretend he was not concerned, listening to his Ipod and looking out of the window.

Of course all my seating issues kicked in, so in my mind I went through the following backchat

• I should stand up and give him my seat - this was followed by another thought that said -you are just feeling guilty- which was true and the point was I would have stood up in guilt

Then I thought,

• if I get up I will be doing it 'to teach his friend a lesson', to show him what HE SHOULD HAVE DONE, that would be nasty

Next thought

• "he is playing the operation story to get a seat'

So I am debating with myself until I find another thought which is 

• 'why isn't his friend getting up to give him His seat?" 

This thought was the one that gave me the most relief, I had CLEARLY assessed that it was Not my responsibility to do something about it. Basically this is what goes on through our Minds on a daily basis, no matter what the subject is, we chat with ourselves until 'we feel better' about something, no matter what that entails, how much we have to 'wrong' and belittle someone else, all is fair and square until it happens in the 'secrecy' of my Mind.

The fact that such backchats has been glamourized by Hollywood in movies or series such as Ally Mc Beal, where everyone finally got to SEE what was going on through someone's mind in FACT and not the outer presentation alone that was offered, it's worrisome, we are making movies about our Mental Sicknesses and attempting to 'normalize them', just because everyone does it, it doesn't make it Normal or any less Nasty or acceptable that we have a whole parade of Personae in our Mind talking to each other, we are just one degree away from Schizophrenia, the Schizophrenics are just unable to manage the secret chit chats 'inside' and they start to externalize them, this would be just about the 1 degree of difference that exists.

The fact that we are now a few steps ahead of our Madness doesn't make us any less mad, the new trend is 'to declare' our thoughts out loud 'I said that to make you feel guilty haha', "I said that to make you feel jealous, to make you suffer, to make you miss me'', 'I know I was manipulating him/her but I did it for his/her own good', we have an infinite list of declaration of apparent 'innocence', we insist though to never question Who we really Are through everything that goes on in Our Minds. Luckily implosion is what lies ahead for All of Us, we'll get to the point of being unable to contain the crap that we circulate back and forth and we'll be forced to face it, it happened to me, if you can hear don't wait, THAT is not the best of experiences and is NOT necessary either.

Back to today's incident, what I showed myself is that whatever choice I believed I had while 'thinking myself out of that situation', such as the ones offered by my backchat, once I start thinking, I Have In Fact NO Choice, because every choice offered is only for Me, this guy wasn't even in my pictured Mind reality, one choice was to do the 'right thing' so I could feel Good about Myself, One choice was to Not do the 'Right Thing' because I saw myself wanting to do that and so I could use that point as my justification to Not Act, Another Choice was to believe he was Lying, which would solve the question right out since he would then be At Fault and the last most relieving thought was 'it's someone else's responsibility to do the 'right thing', all this of course from a starting point of having decided what is the right thing to do as a kid when my mother made me do Her Right Thing so She Could Feel Good about Herself. 

Plus, if I had managed to feel good about myself by standing up, I could have done so only in the face of something bad, in this case 'an injured guy'.

SO, where is the choice between Good and Evil if not A Joke? Within our Minds, there is No Choice, there is Only the Evil Choice of the Self Interest of ourselves or the implanted choice of another in the process of feeling Good about themselves, and why are we seeking to feel Good? If we were honest about our lives, we could say that most of the time we don't feel Good hence we seek the Evil, the Bad, the negative as a stepping stone into 'our imaginary goodness'. Or we seek for it in another, failing to see we are just projecting ourselves in a Mirror, it's never about another, everything that happens in Our Minds is Who we Are.

We have to give up our Minds, our own existence as The Mind, what goes on there is not hidden, it's in full display in this World and obviously nothing to be proud of.

Today one of my friend who is not walking process with Desteni came to a self realization 'We need the Poor people, we need the ones that are one step below us, unluckier, more distraught, because this is HOW we make our own lives bearable'. So in self Honesty each one of us can see the truth of Ourselves and why we need to change, there is No Good to Save, we can safely move on, nothing of Value will be lost and we'll have to lose it all, face the Fear of 'Losing Our Minds' to walk into Life as Life.

So, for those interested in unveiling the truth of this existence, support yourself with the Interviews available at Eqafe, they are Not Uplifting, reality can't be uplifting, this is why we made up so much crap to cover it up, but it is liberating, discovering that you are Not Mad after All but just plain Evil in Disguise is the way to go, Life can be reclaimed by Each One of Us, skip and hop over the Good, that part is Not Real, so we can all get down to the nitty-gritty of our own Evilness and stop this Creation that is manifesting outside the Truth of our Being-ness inside, until we change that, nothing will change, and as everyone can see a Change is required, the sooner we get on with it, the more chances we have to save something of ourselves and of this world with and as us, so we may create a World where Evil no longer exists and Life is Honoured in a World that is Best for All.

Tomorrow I will walk my Self Forgiveness for the Evil as Me. It will sure take some posts to unravel that.

Related articles

• Evil has Become Much Stronger than the Good
• 194. Let the Mask Fall!
• 195. The Righteousness of Evil
• Day 173: The Queen of Spades - Looping Memories as The Shackles Within
• Facing the Evil within - the KEY to Self Awareness - Day 188
• Comparison is a Bitch - Day 212

Day 175: Last Days of Our Lives - Leaving Last Vegas

This post is Private

Published on the Desteni Forums under Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 173: The Queen of Spades - Looping Memories as The Shackles Within

As I write out my History/Story  about My Marriage I am not always finding a relief or the emptiness I found for other writings, some days writing puts me back into a state of despair as "What Have I done?" 

I am seeing through writing how I have been looping memories in my Life, growing the Memory Chip Card from minor acts of ugliness and senseless acts of evilness, to full blown horror land and desire to harm myself and others.

Of course with growing older, we acquire the ability to justify what we do in ever growing creative ways, finding new slants at why everyone else is to blame for how we have lived and who we have become.

In this blaming parents and society becomes essential, we give up on the idea that we would ever be able to face the true extent of what we have done to ourselves and others as we held on to our Characters for dear Life, which DEAR became indeed, as the Cost of living such a Life is something none of us was prepared to pay when we embarked in this physical experience.

To those who profess positive thinking, a practice I myself swore by for over a decade, a question should be asked. When we switch all our focus to the positive, where does all the SHIT we have participated in and as goes? If I am the Creator of my reality, does my Creation starts when I switch to thinking 'Positively' about myself and the world, or does my creation encompass everything I have ever been (as in believed to be) and denied or justified?

Because if the case is the second, that could be WHY the World is the way it is, the World having become the big giant carpet under which we have swept all the ugliness and evilness of ourselves.

When I joined the Desteni I Process, in which the initial statement is "Face your Evil", I was actually GLAD, because the Evil I have been is REAL, or let's rephrase it, as Real as the Positive but just our real Starting Point, the good and positive we embrace later in life is NOT Real and strangely I had more troubles having to manufacture my good side than admitting to my Evil Side.

We are Evil, we are born from a 'negative' source of 'energy' and then had the positive to cover it all up and allow the constant movement of friction, which is internal AS external, there are no good people in this world, if they were good, they would NOT be Here, which brings me back to my Evilness that goes as far as wanting to be the Evil-est, such as in the relationship with my ex husband, in which I can unfold what "I" did while I paint him as the Angelic creature that was Pure, and I was the Evil beast, having moved my competition from being the Best to being the Worse.

Yet in NO WAY, no matter how I have filed my memories to prove 'how bad I am, really' can I be the baddest, I must be Equally bad as everyone else, so one interesting point that came out of my writing 'the baddest in me' was precisely this 'get off your baddest pedestal', there is no competition here, we are Equally the Resident Evil of the Planet. And Yes WE ARE.

So, why hang on to the baddest of the baddest in me? Because this way I can PROVE I cannot change, come on, look at all the shit "I" have done, who can rise from THAT?

I CAN, WE CAN, when we accept that what I have done cannot define me/us unless I/We insist that it does.

So the shackling, the enslavement is an inside job, it is the way to make sure I don't change, which I no longer accept and allow of myself, I am not defined by my memories and the reason I write (note to Self) is not to drag myself back into all the shit I have done, it is to let go, to put the memories on paper and affirm that this no longer HOW I define me, this no longer runs who I decide to be, because I have not been aligned to What is best for All so far, and that includes what was best for me as Self as the Whole, but I can realign, giving up who I thought I was, because thoughts as memories and feelings and emotions are not of Life and are not Real, until I take them into myself as the Physical and breathe them into reality as Me and then walk my zombified life into existence OR I stop doing that and write myself to Nothingness, as I release on paper the scripts that I either accepted and allowed or that I have MasterMinded into Existence to prove the point that I could not change, that the load was too big, that there would have been too much to face and accepted Evil as Human nature and Myself as the Queen of Spades.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I was the Evilest of them All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the Evilest of them All, at least I would be best at something as Best in my Evil Ways

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the 'Queen of Spade" Characters as an inner representation of myself starting from my teenage years, because no matter what deeds I would have to perform or which thoughts I would have to engage to keep the throne, I was still a Queen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drag myself through my memories as an act of penance for what I have done, instead of just sticking to writing myself out to release myself from the penance I have already lived One and Equal to. within my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use who I have been and what I have done as the reason to why 'I cannot possibly change' I have done too much shit, when in fact this belief in itself is the shackles I have designed for myself to make sure that I would stay put and not challenge my preprogrammed and then accepted ad allowed existence as my own definitions of myself, without which I fear I don't know who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use memories as the foundation of my personalities that I reinforced with layers of behaviour to establish that, yes, this is really Who I am, thanks God, I don't care WHAT I am as long as I am something because the idea of being Nothing was more frightening than stepping into the Queen of Spade Role to confirm and affirm my Existence, no matter at what cost

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel advantaged and good about it when I started this process because I believed I had already sorted out the point that there was NOTHING Good about me, when in fact that was never the point, because Equally, there is nothing BAD about me either and being Evil meant I have backpedalled on LiveLife and that I have infact never lived, because living would have entailed being Here in and as Breath, always the same, in and as awareness, and not participate in energetic Role Plays just to get something out for myself such as an energetic experience to define Who I am as this was the real problem, when we started to ask, there must be something More than Me, there Must be something More than Here and then, both Me and Here were no longer Good Enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Me in and as Here was/is Not good enough, as if I had to be MORE and in my search for MORE became Less and then pretended to lose myself within Characters and Personalities so I would not have to Face this fuckup that I have created, and in my desire to not face responsibility I disempowered myself inward and outward

I commit myself to stand in and as Self responsibility, walking my Memory Line not as The Passion of Christ, because I know were that led him and where it will possibly lead me, on the Cross, but to just get there at the Cross as the Choice of either accepting and allowing this reality as is or standing up for myself and existence and What is Best for All Equal and One

I commit myself to let go my 'sad' past to no longer use it as the excuse to why I am entitled to Not Change, because I really had it rough first (Victim Character) and I dished it out with a passion (Queen of Spades), when in fact I have just been playing it all in my Mind, con-vincing myself that my experiences were real and so was I, when in fact I will never be real until I decide to stand for All as One and then walk my decision consistently no matter how many times I have to pick myself up, until my standing becomes Who I Am

I commit myself to let go of All memories that I have used to bash myself, because I see realize and understand that bashing myself is just a way to 'put me back in my place' which is basically a Character of my own design, so that I may never step out of my own designed limitation and Change and break these shackles of illusion for myself and All of Existence Equal and One 

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Day 135: The Good Master - Character

For 17 years that I lived abroad, someone has always taken care of me one way or another, either working part time for me or full time, so coming back to Italy and to the 'business' of taking care of myself is something that I have done but not enjoyed, I see taking care of myself as a drag, someone else should take care of me, I don't mind paying for that, I mind caring for myself.

Recently I have gone back to feeding myself properly, which is time consuming as I have to prepare all the food I eat fresh, wash the veggies and cook every day, I realize this is something I don't enjoy in my mind but not in the physical, because when I do it it's just like anything else, it is only my judgement of not being doing anything worthwhile that stands in the way of enjoying myself. I have allowed as well my idea of 'process' to stand in the way to enjoying myself as I have polarized process to something 'unpleasant' because I swung to the polarity of what I did before, which was nothing at all apart from smoking Pot and accumulating useless knowledge and information that I did not live out in the Physical and yet I defined as 'pleasant' by the world standards idea that since I was Not Working I had it sweet by comparison, and therefore I was living an idyllic life as one of the Lucky Ones that Deserved it, on a tropical island in Thailand.

It is interesting to see that I live a Life that is just made out of ideas and beliefs and definitions, because in self honesty my Life has taken a Quantum Leap in Self Worth, as I moved from the worthless pointless Life of self interest to widening my horizons to include Humanity as a whole and the need to stand to Change myself to change this system of abuse that I was too oblivious to even recognize before I actually started this Process of Self Correction.

Another Point is that I have first engaged and then suppressed thoughts about how I have regressed, as I had accepted and allowed myself to invest my sense of self worth into my 'life achievements' that included not having to care for myself, as in having a helper doing for me the menial tasks that living in this world requires, such as making my bed, ironing, cooking etc.

I still live out this sense of regression as loss of worth due to having to care for myself as I had dreams and hopes that I built around what a perfect Life was supposed to be, which included slaves to attend to my needs and desires that I would keep like a Good Master, attending to their well being and care, not as an Equal because Slaves are Not equals, but as a Good Master, the best Master, to the point that they would want to work for me for free. I actually achieved that, but now when my ex helper calls me with her own money for a chat and to tell me the latest news about Hong Kong, I am overwhelmed with a sense of unfairness for having taken other people's lives to serve me and for having manipulated them to such a degree that my Greatness as a Master would not allow them to forget me ever, as they would compare me to their new employers who would always fail the comparison game as they are not motivated by my same blinding desire to enslave with wisdom and kindness as the ultimate sneakiest invisible shackle to bend others' lives to my whims and desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserved more than others and that someone should give up their life for me because I was special and entitled to be served

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define taking care of myself as a drag that should be the duty of someone else and not mine as I was born to do much more important things with my life while others were born just to slave and take care of me and my desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a genie in a bottle that would come out and say 'your wish is my command' because I was Good and Special and deserved a genie of my own as my Reward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the devotion of my staff and for going to unbelievable length to enslave them to me through fake benevolence that was just a trap I set out for them to become tied to me for Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the fact that I no longer have slaves at my service which means that I am no longer special and deserving of a genie of my own

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my Ex Helper calls me to chat using her own money, because I judge this as the ultimate act of self sacrifice a person with no money makes to hang on to the shackles that I have designed and made her wear to please me as the Good Master

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some were more worthy than others in this world and that WHO was more worthy was defined by how much money we managed to make to be able to get what we wanted in comparison to those that could not get what they wanted, because they did not deserve it by the Grace of God

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for belief system that justified WHY some deserved more than others, such as Law Of Attraction and for then selectively teach the system but not to the ones that were below me as my staff in case they would become rich, up and move on, and leave me without my privileged life with slaves at my service

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as Evil because I took advantage of my position in Life, instead of realizing we are All equally Evil because as soon as we have some money we enslave another, like my ex helper does with the family she herself supports and enslaves through Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see to what extent and how this world revolves around Money and the power it gives to some over the lives of others which is why the point of the Equal Money System is addresses within Desteni as a way to STOP the Slavery we are subjected to and subject others to, through Money as Power over other's Lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a Good Master so I would not have to feel guilty over the fact that there cannot ever be a Good Master, because attempting to be the Master of someone else's Life using Money as a Tool for enslavement is Evil as a point of Not giving to another what I would like to receive as an Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because someone around me is a Happy Slave I no longer have the responsibility to Equalize myself as it is them wanting to play that role and I am just providing better than others would do in my same place, which makes me better than other Masters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest my self worth into a system where abusing another is necessary to be someone and for justifying taking the life of another to be at my service as something good that I am doing because without me they would starve, instead of addressing the point of WHY there are people who starve on this planet unless they enslave themselves to someone for Money, and standing up to correct this point within myself as my own desire to have and own Slaves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself as a bad person for the life I have lived in relation to managing people and their lives, instead of seeing that Equality means that I have to take my own responsibility for my desires to Master other people's lives and they have to Equally take their responsibility for accepting and allowing their own enslavement as Equality means equal responsibility for our mutual creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to take all the blame as that keeps me in a position of MasterHood, while others are not allowed to take responsibility because their self responsibility would disempower me from being in charge of their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel indebted to my ex helper as I judge myself as the One that created an image of the Perfect master that she can't shake off now, instead of letting her go for good within my self created Master/Slave relationship within my mind and release her from my Good Master Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have regressed and I am diminished because I no longer own slaves, nor in the workplace or at home and that since I bought into the belief that Life is judged by what we accumulate and the position we can secure for ourselves, I have accepted and allowed my own diminishment through my own definitions and con-victions of what a Successful Life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that in enslaving another I am enslaving myself to my own creation of enslavement and that I have just played out my Anuness with my idea of self righteousness because really, without me others would not have been able to take care of themselves and survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others my sense of being powerless so I would not have to face my own experience of myself as powerless and useless within existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are Good Masters and Bad Masters and since I was one of the good Ones, providing proper accommodation and good Money I was better than the bad Masters who kept their helpers like dogs and had to be told what a proper accommodation is' and that a bathtub or the kitchen floor doesn't in fact qualify as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the master of someone as I feared that I was not the Master of myself, believing that if I could manage someone else's Life I could let go of this feeling of being powerless and useless, instead of addressing my own feelings of inadequacy and how I experienced myself so I could stop the enslavement of myself and others within existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my life was more worthy than others' who were paid/rewarded with less Money as a Wage, because I believed that we are in fact defined by how much Money we earn and what is our Market Value, instead of seeing and realizing that embracing such beliefs means I am for sale and my life is for Sale, which means I am a Slave to this existence and the Master of Nobody, not even myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'taking care of myself is a drag', when in fact it's just an idea I have embraced within my desire to not take care of myself and be a responsible human being and that nothing I do within the physical ever proves to be a drag when I step out of myself as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Process with something unpleasant as the polarity of the 'imaginary Pleasant Life' I lived for 4 years on a tropical Island, conveniently forgetting the truth of my 4 years in which I battled with a pot addiction and a lack of sense within my life and this physical experience and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from process, as if it was not just Me walking a Path of self correction, but a task, like 'taking care of myself', something I project into the Doing realm and not into the Beingness of Me, coming back to myself from the million little pieces I broke myself into through self judgement, guilt and shame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in the way of me becoming the Master of me as I get lost within my mind and my own Self Definition of what worth is in separation from myself as Self Worth and Self Value Here in every moment of Breath.

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