Christmas Day: already uneasy with myself for having caved in to the red Christmas tablecloth and a Santa that lit up that my mother brought from one of her markets hunts.
Not that I have not made myself heard about Christmas but this year unlike last year when I went through a 'give it all away frenzy' and 'no fucking Christmas deco in this house' I did not feel like fighting it and maybe fighting Christmas it's not even the point but the milking it, the 'Merry Christmases' said to strangers for that moment of delusive 'shared goodness' something I have always enjoyed about Christmas day, a day of 'Hope' for Humanity, that we would take that chance to change, to realize our inherent 'goodness' and while we sat feeling lucky and giving a fleeting thought to the unlucky ones in the world, we could have our cake and it it too.
So I bought presents this year, nothing useless, all useful things for a bunch of people I interact with, mainly clothes, my mum had a moment about what to give to our neighbors for which I felt irritation, I had already solved that point within me, my suggestion was 'NOTHING' because I had built up credits this year with them through what I gave them and the massages I gave to both so I did not feel I HAD to give something, while she did and she battled the thought of just giving a bottle of wine I had at home, it was not enough to 'look good' in their eyes and we had to add some dried fruits to make up the imaginary gap between the value of the wine bottle and an acceptable monetary figure to express 'the value' of the 'relationship' we don't even have.
Basically I was quite disappointed at myself as Christmas turned out just like Love, something I was not ready to let go due to the 'Joy Factor' that is inbuilt into both.
So when my ex Love's cousin sent the Christmas wishes on FB on behalf of my ex, I reciprocated and sent my number to take him off this loop as an intermediary, the middle man between two long lost lovers.
My phone rang a few times before I answered it, first time I ignored it as we were having our lunch, the next times it rang while I went down to buy cigarettes with my friend and my mum tried to reply but she said 'there was someone saying 'Hello Hello' and they could not hear each other. I knew it was him.
When the phone rang again I took it to my bedroom and finally answered, we chatted for about 10 minutes, what I noticed was that when he said he couldn't really recognize my voice, that it was 'different' I went searching for my 'then voice' but could not find it, I wished I could have been that woman again, that girl he liked so much and longed for.
On the same point there is my digging for memories that has been going on since this contact took place, I feel ashamed that I can't bring everything back as if the value of relationships is in fact logged into images and how many I successfully manage to file away for later use, even though I have proved to myself not only that memories can't be trusted to tell a story but that basically I filed only the ones that supported me into special characters and definition of myself and others I wished to hang on to.
So it's not hard to see why this specific filing is missing so many tassels, I have already worked it out, it's because once he told me 'NO' when I went looking for him again, I filed this point as a rejection and no one holds up a candle to a rejection or better, no one of my personalities does, hence I deleted the files, something I did not succeed to do with my ex husband for example, whose file I had to delete one frame at the time, one passage at the time, because it had accumulated into something of apparent worth and value that I held on to because 'you never know' I might have the need to revisit it to beat myself up about it, as in that case too, I did not file the whole story, but just the 'bad side of me' as if I had already come to that conclusion about myself, that I was beyond repair and I had to keep the records to prove it to myself if I ever came to doubt it.
This brings up a memory of the first time I was sent to summer camp, basically the first time I was away from my mother for a prolonged period of time and how I would lie in bed at night trying to bring up her face and how I discovered in horror that a few days after my arrival her face started to fade, a point for which I experienced much guilt and shame, because WHO in the world would forget her mother? And yet the image blurred as the day went past and I cried over it as if the picture fading was herself fading out of my life, as if the fact that I could not hold that picture as clear as when I was looking at her proved that I did not love her, that I did not care, why would I let her face go if I did?
So, holding on to memories became important for me as the definition of my relationships, and in this past week I tried to write out everything I remember about that first love and I was amazed to see how little it was, I mean I run away from home for this boy, spent one year in Ireland getting jobs here and there just to have the chance to spend time together, I was already 17, so where did all the memories go, why were they not relevant to keep, I can see why I almost completely deleted 'the second coming' but the first one whole year, come on, so every time a little memory would pop up I felt a sense of achievement, see, I CAN remember they are there somewhere, I'll dig them up, I will line them all filling the holes to see what happened and how this relationship shaped all the ones that followed.
Another thing took place, as I felt authorized by his highlighting how important I was, I moved into ownership and into an insane desire to question him about 'why if he only thought about me for 20 over years, he then went and had 2 children with another woman?', cos 1 child can be excused, it may have happened, but the second must have been a choice, so why did you, how dared you, couldn't you see into the future how this point alone would have complicated everything, why didn't you think about Us?
Note to Self -I was not even thinking about him for over 20 years if not occasionally and certainly I did not base any of my Life decisions on Him-
Note to Self -I was not even thinking about him for over 20 years if not occasionally and certainly I did not base any of my Life decisions on Him-
But I will unravel the Ownership point in another Blog because it's big and cultural and something that I realized I do like a Monkey, step into it and then travel on the tracks up to it's final destination: Insanity, and that point needs a correction all by itself.
Instead I will write out the SF for this point of memory digging and wanting to embody the past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed at myself for how I handled Christmas day because I have been reading blogs about it and how everyone handled it and took what I saw and judged it as a militant stand against it and I did not see myself doing the same, and within comparison I judged myself as not devoted enough to the cause of changing myself or I would have said to everyone involved 'fuck Christmas'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up ideas of what is the best course of action regarding Christmas and how to live it based on things that I have read from others who have made different decisions than mine and in that feel inferior because I didn't do enough, instead of just going along with the day of which I did not make a big fuss about but just spent with family and friends, cooking a meal that was normal and where there was no waste or excesses to highlight that we had to 'overdo' the day due to 'traditions'.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to drag this disappointment at myself so far that I no longer felt like writing myself out because I would have to write this point out and look as well at what happened with my neighbors with which I felt fine not giving any gift because I had 'credits' while I blamed my mum for wanting to give her present an acceptable 'monetary value ' to reflect the value of a relationship that is not real, because I would have to look at all the Christmas pasts when I did just that and chose presents based on their monetary value or fun value so I would be accepted and liked for making people feel good on such a 'special day' and for this I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build credits inside of me for what I do for others which is then invalidated by my book keeping because I don't do anything for nothing but to accumulate 'brownie points' that I can use once I have to make decisions on 'having to give or not' in a 'giving occasion' such as Christmas
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build credits inside of me for what I do for others which is then invalidated by my book keeping because I don't do anything for nothing but to accumulate 'brownie points' that I can use once I have to make decisions on 'having to give or not' in a 'giving occasion' such as Christmas
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build up points of self judgement to the point that I move into the 'I no longer care' character as I convince myself that it's all just too much and that giving up Christmas and Love in one go is just ridiculous and not Human and something I will never be able to do because Christmas and Love ranked among my 5 most favorite things in the world and the ones that gave me the most 'joy' as an experience of an energy high and I resent having to give them up, whatever the cause
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel excited when I saw the missed call from Ireland and for moving into Fear when I finally heard his voice as I felt guilty that I had been unable to collate all the pieces of the past that he seemed to treasure so much and I wanted to level with him and have the same pictures to swap and chat about but I could not and for feeling guilty for the 'missing pictures in my file' I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished because I have a log hole, such as being unable to recall the events of one year in a fluent logical sequence, which then makes me feel dishonest for Not having participated in the same way, putting in the same amount of time into remembering Us and who we were, for Not having paid the same attention to preserving my past and for judging myself as careless, superficial, unable to really love someone whenever a picture went missing from my files and for this I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as a kid to believe that memory was important, valuable, a tool to define what was relevant in my life and for feeling bad when someone would say 'don't you remember?' as if I were faulty somehow that I could not remember and for judging myself as faulty because I did not file images and moments as efficiently as others I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, feel shame, guilt and despair when I realized I was losing the picture of my mum's face, that it was kind of dissolving and for fearing that I did not know how to preserve it and that it was my fault for 'damaging' this memory in some way due to me not loving my mother enough or having done something wrong that I could not figure out I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationships are measured in memories, holding on to the past as a proof of the worthiness of a relationship, instead of bringing myself here and seeing whatever relationship I face for what it is now and for who I am within it now, seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need memories when I am Here, as all of me is Here with me and Life and myself is not defined by pictures, images or moments in time but by who I am in every moment of Breath
When and as I see myself seeking memories for a perceived 'added value' to the moment I live, I stop, breathe, bring myself back Here as I see realize and understand that I can only seek for more value when I am in and of the Mind because when I am Here in and as Breath I am enough and nothing needs to be added to make the moment or myself 'more'
When and as I see myself moving or about to move myself into diminishment and self judgement due to my inability to bring up a memory, I stop and breathe, remind myself that memories are flashcards of the past that I lived not as a self directed being and as such they carry nothing of value and I breathe myself back Here until I no longer feel the desire to seek value through memories and pictures
When and as I see myself seeking memories to work out a point, a moment, a decision I have to make, I stop and Breathe as I see realize and understand that a memory is a thought and a thought created and filed when I lived my preprogrammed life doesn't belong to me but to one of my characters/personalities and that I cannot learn or understand anything new through the eyes of a character because all my characters and personalities are a product and live in and as The Past
I commit myself to stop using memories and pictures to define myself and others and or past/present experiences and to, whenever I see myself looking for pictures for validation, value or as a tool for decision making, to stop bring myself back Here in and as Breath until I am stable again in and as the physical.
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