Day 436: Suppressing In Fear of Expressing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use suppression to sweep what I perceive as negative emotions/negative experience/negative perceptions of myself under a rug, separating myself from the moment in which I could instead stand up within myself and address it to a solution

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept to deal with suppressed points only when the experience becomes too uncomfortable to handle as in physical pain and within this for feeling angry and living one and equal to the anger I feel when physical pain manifests in my body as a result of my own participation in suppression and my wanting to separate from parts of myself I don't want to deal with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at what comes up within me because I fear my own judgement of not walking process effectively, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it is in the suppression that I become ineffective and not in the unconditional acceptance of what comes up within me so I can change it and change my relatonship to it once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress thoughts and beliefs about myself which are not supportive such as 'I am not good enough' or 'nobody loves me' because I feared dealing with the experience they bring up inside of me that can go to anything from self loathing to bulimia and within this for not supporting myself to delete the thoughts and beliefs I have participated in because I believe they were really who I am and I was one and equal to them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I can't still be dealing with this' attempting to put a time frame on my process and how I 'should have walked it', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one determining how I walk it and what I can take on and it is a matter of pushing my perception of the 'I can't deal with this' moments in my day until I can deal with them all equally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated when someone tells me that 'I just have to bring it back to myself' or that 'I have not yet taken responsibility for something', blaming them for the irritation I feel instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in that moment irritated at myself because the process I am to walk is clear and hearing what I have to do when I know what I have to do makes me irritated with myself for having dealt with something in suppression instead than dealing with something as the self directive principle of myself to change the relationship I had created in the past to a thought to defuse the thought of any emotional content, to empty the tought of the parts of myself I had invested into it and deleting the thought once and for all

I forgive myself that I acceptedand allowed myself to deal with relationship issues through supression because I thought 'I am not going to walk this AGAIN', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if I am walking it again, I have just timelooped into the same experience because I had not directed it from the past into the present into a solution, where I rewrote the script for myself to make sure I did not have to deal with the same stuff again but sort it out in writing and self forgiveness to prevent myself from having to live it out again in the physical to prompt myself into a correction of course

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to embrace suppression as an effective tool for dealing with my stuff as I proved through my living, my choices of drugs and mind altering substances, always in the direction of suppression, in fear that I could become like my mother and over express, over analize, becoming overwhelmingly emotional instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mum could not deal with her emotions because she didn't have the tools I have and that analizing or expressing what is really going on within me doesn't mean I will walk her same path but that I give myself a chance to not become emotional as I sort out my issues one by one at the source through directing them to a solution beyond polarity

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind rides because I never knew where I would end up instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the purpose of this process is to map my mind so as to always know where I will end if I take a specific ride, because I have identified the signs clearly and within this for accepting and allowing myself to make myself less than my mind in fear that I could not control my way through it instead of seeing realizing and understanding it is just a process of patience to come to know myself inside and out until the mind mapping will be complete and I will be able to navigate it fearlessly at any given time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress extensive anger for the creators of this existence because it seemed unbecoming to feel such rage at every new discovery of what else they did to make sure we never got out of this maze, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have equally participated in this mess by accepting and allowing myself to engage in this creation and that the rage I feel is a projection of blame for everything that doesn't work inside of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it doesn't matter what has been and who did what, but only the solutions we can find out of this to return life to the physical and recreate what it should always have been in self responsibility, honoring ourselves and each other equally to create a world we ca be proud of

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that suppression is just a time delay mechanism I have set in place, where I allow things to fester to a point where I can't let them go anymore and that I would make my life so much easier if I addressed each point that comes up in the moment to prevent accumulation and the sense of uselessness I had to face in the past when things to deal with seemed to have become too much, too many, to be spread in too many directions while I could have handled them much more easily if I had dealt with them all, one by one, as they came up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the word 'responsibility' as in 'fault' and for having associated the word 'responsibility' with 'fault', so that when anyone brings up the point of 'it's your responsibility' I react as if I have been blamed, as if I have done something wrong, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what they mean to underline is the opportunity, is the fact that I have the response-ability to deal with the specific point that came up and see how I can find the solution within it that works for myself and others equally and walk the point to a solution

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energies in my solar plexus and in my body to a point that it almost felt normal to live with such 'charge' and within this for accepting and allowing myself to turn my body into an energetic facility where I keep manufacturing energy from friction and internal conflicts ending up believing that once I am charged, I have to suppress or I could blow up like my mother used to do and within this for living in fear of this charged body and the pains that manifest within and as it because I took pain as consequence as fault as something to blame myself for, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding pain as a point of support, to show myself which systems I can address next and to test if I have addressed that specific system to a solution as I defuse the pain with self forgiveness and the applications of the tools I have learnt

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical pains as a sign that I am not walking my process effectively , which leads to my desire for suppression because I don't see any other way out of it, instead of asking for support from others who can see more than what I can see at the moment to address those pains and walk myself out of them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear some of the inexplicable pains I feel in my body for which I lack a frame of reference, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can work to develop a frame of reference to map out my pains the same way I am doing for my mind as I have seen, realized and understood that most fears come from not knowing what is going on within and without me and within this for having supressed myself from searching for physical solutions because I judged seeking physical solutions as a sign of having failed in my process or I would not need a physical solution in the first place

When and as I see myself suppressing, about to suppress, wanting to suppress a thought or an emotion or an experience that I have judged as 'negative', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am facing my own self created definition of a thought/emotion or experience and that I need to stop, redefine my experience in the moment by looking at it, unraveling its content and then forgiving it, committing to live new statements and definitions of and as myself that are supportive and not damaging/unsupportive

When and as I see myself attempting to suppress a moment I am sharing with another because I am aware I am reacting, I stop, breathe, tell myself and if possible the other that I have to get back to them on that specific point, commit to not suppress myself but to sort myself out and readdress the point when I am no longer reactive

When and as I see myself about to wave something away, I flag the moment to become aware that I am wanting/trying to suppress something I have judged as 'inappropriate/negative' make myself aware about the point I am wanting or desiring to suppress away and deal with it in writing using the tools I have learnt to support myself into a solution

I commit myself to walk the path that is required to teach myself to stop suppressing myself, to see the points coming up, to breathe instead of suppressing and to change the points of suppressions or attempts to suppress into points of self support  and self intimacy and unconditional self acceptance of myself and the process I am walking out of myself as the Mind into Awareness, for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One

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• Stifling Self Through Suppression - Pt. 2 - DAY 306
• Stifling Self Through Suppression - Pt.3 - DAY 307
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Day 424: Self Judgement as Elitist Self Interest

Post 423 walked privately

Yesterday I listened to an interview of the Series 'The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination', it was no. 12 called 'Where does Self judgement come from?' and it was a great Knock on the Head for me because it framed one of my relationship problems which I will uravel just now and made Self Judgement look and sound very unglamorous and totally phony.

I had already seen by myself the point in the past of 'not forgiving myself for something -because at least I don't forgive myself' which shows the extent of theMentia the Mind is willing to go to to protect self interest as energetic sources, but I had missed out on this one completely, of how Self Judgement seems to be fair game for the same reasons as in 'I am not forgiving myself -at least I was wrong but I am righteous', duh, so 'At least I criticize myself first, I don't have to wait for others to do it for me, this shows I am aware of my mistakes, hence I am good'.

The interview mentioned as well how this creates problems in relationships because I end up 'too busy judging myself and I don't have time for a relationship', to which I could add that since one fills up quite fast with self judgement, then it gets shared with another, projected outside, and so the unhappy stance I had with myself becomes the unhappy stance I have with another until I lose interest overwhelmed by guilt and blame.

So, here goes my self forgiveness because I can snap out of it, it's just a matter of being more aware of when I automatically move into self judgement to stop the automation because this is a side I have opened up recently of self responsibility for myself as I tried to clear the words 'taking self responsibility' to explain it to another in Italian, it means to ready oneself to step out of a specific automated mode to be finally response-able for the same event taking place in the future as one commits to not let the automatic response move faster than one's awareness but to create a gap when one can step in, in self awareness, as self awareness, to make another choice instead, a new choice, never tried before choice that considers what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the righteousness I sought through 'judging myself' is just an energetic pay back to balance out what I believed I said, thought or did wrong, instead of stepping up to the task of correcting myself beyond any useless judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I judge myself first, when others will judge me I won't have to feel the reaction to being judged instead of seeing realizing and understanding, there has always and only been me judging myself in ways that could have an impact on myself and my physical body

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself  to judge myself endlessly so I could believe I was a good person because at least I judged myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy and paste this behavior from my mother who was always judging herself and while I judged her for judging herself, I judged myself and within this for judging my mother for her patterns of behavior without seeing, realizing and understanding we are all copy and paste of someone who has walked before us and many don't yet have the tools to correct themselves

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when seeing others who did not judge themselves thinking 'wow, you can't even see what you are doing' and wishing they judged themselves as harshly as I judged myself so I could share the burden of this pattern and keep believing that those that are righteous but wrong will at least 'judge themselves harshly' as if that could bring about any solution instead of stopping my desire to judge myself and the desire that others judge themselves equally, so we can move on beyond judgements to correct ourselves and realign to a world that works for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this pattern of self judgement was always in the way of me having a functional relationship because I would build up self judgement picking up on 'imaginary cues' coming from my partner, ending up blaming them for all the self judgement I was experiencing inside myself instead of taking self responsability as in deciding I was going to stop that pattern that I had automated in and as me and create a new behavior that was conducive to solutions vs flagellation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my own self judgement weighted me down as I lined up all the good reasons I had accumulated historically to judge myself and kept them handy to dust up and use when I felt the need to punish myself for who I believed I had been in thoughts, words and deeds

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I stuck to some of my 'negative' energetic rides because I felt less guilty than if I had held on to the positive ones, so I could justify myself that I was not doing it on purpose because 'who wants to feel bad', when in fact it is to see that the addiction is to 'feeling' as in generating an energetic experience and it makes no difference which side of the polarity I ride and within this for accepting and allowing myself to harm myself by accumulating self judgement that inevitably ended up in desire for self punishment through overeating, lack of exercise and a general zombification of myself which I no longer accept to participate in and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that many of my self punishing behaviors stemmed from this practice of 'self judgement' and lack of self acceptance and that I would use self punishment to square the books instead of correcting myself so that I would no longer have to face the dis-appointment of myself as directive principle of my internal and external world

When and as I see myself about to judge myself, desiring to judge myself, looking for ammos I can use to blackmail myself into self judgement, I stop, breathe, bring up to mind the interview I heard deeply and tell myself that I am aware of what I'm trying to do and that I have committed to no longer allow myself to exist as self judgement, breathe, stabilize myself and keep walking

I commit myself to apply myself until this pattern is completely resolved within me and to refuse to engage self judgement as a way to generate energy and feel 'alive'

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that self judgement is self abuse and that I cannot participate in self abuse while wanting the abuse of this world to end and within this I commit myself to keep correcting myself from self judgement to self forgiveness in the moment and the application of self correction to become part of the solution and stop existing as part of the problem

Related articles

• Day 356 & 357 Self-Change through SELF-JUDGEMENT or through a simply DECISION?
• Day 148: Stopping Self Judgement by Comparison
• 196. The Elitist Evil behind Relationships
• Day 391: Me as the World Systems - The Judicial System
• Reactions as a window of Opportunity for self Intimacy - Day 310

Day 421: Virtual Relationships

I have just finished watching the movie 'HER', which I highly recommend.

I found it both sad and enlightening about how I have lived my own relationships and still tend to do - in my head and not applied in the physical world.

What's worse is that I did not improve with time, yet, I got worse, more distracted, more withdrawn, always resenting having to give up my 'me' time to put it into creating something real.

So sad memories about my marriage and my last relationship popped up and I am now writing to release them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to sad memories of my marriage as a way to punish myself and within this for making my memories instrumental to support specific emotions of sadness I want to feel entitled to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel unbalanced by the potential 'return' of A. because I believe I cannot contextualize this specific relationship in this moment in my life and within this for feeling already burdened, weighed down, heavy at the idea of having to walk a real relationship in the physical world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attempt to brush my emotions under the carpet and not look at them because they seem to have roots everywhere in my life and within this for feeling overwhelmed by the task of having to address the point of relationships to a solution within myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing better than suppression because I still hold on to the memory of the alternative I witnessed while growing up, which was to go crazy and be all over the place like my mother did, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am already unstable and all over the place and that my suppression leads to the exact behavior I did not want to repeat which is to blow up when I can't contain it all anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time thinking about what will I say to A. if he calls, what will I reply, what will I do, instead of stopping, breathing and go on with my life trusting that I can address anything in self honesty in the moment when a point comes up and I need to direct it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry at the idea that I might cave in to have a relationship or deny myself a relationship in fear and within this for seeking good reason as in faulty points in another as a deterrent to not do that instead of assessing the situation when the time will come and direct it to a solution that is best for all - which I don't yet know what it will be and if it will be and so it is useless spending my time this way instead of keep on walking my life and my process

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not prepare all my speeches, all my possible replies to every possible input I may be taken by surprise and end up acting out automatically one of my relationship's pattern and within this for believing that I am unable to change and overcome my weaknesses and limitation even though I proved to myself that I was able to do that in other aspects of my life and relationships are nothing different, just another point of patterning that I can release and rewrite to a solution that works for all, even if it may require a longer, more specific application

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety and to store anxiety in my solar plexus regarding my process and its incompatibility with relationships and within this for fearing that I may call him just because I want some company creating further unnecessary confusion for both

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to live out virtual relationships vs real ones because I don't want to be bothered by having to face all the triggers/reactions/annoyances that I perceive exist within a real relationship without seeing, realizing and understanding that if I stick to my commitment to be a self responsible human being I can take responsibility for everything that happens inside of myself and not project it outside on another or onto something like a relationship and I can instead seize the opportunity to correct myself to create myself as a being that can live anywhere with anyone within the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I would rather have virtual relationships than real ones is because I do not like what I see of myself when I am in a relationship and within this for fearing to face myself in the mirror of a real relationship instead of stopping all self judgement which is the cause of the fear I have to face myself and the self judgement that will follow and just work to change what I can't live with into what I can live with and be proud of

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I make a change within a relationship immediately doubt myself, immediately tell myself 'you are fake, you are faking' so that I make sure I never develop self trust and trust myself that my change may feel awkward because it's just a new behavior and I do not yet stand as it completely and within this for accepting and allowing myself as the mind to tell me I am fake and I cannot be trusted as a way to create further friction within myself that leads to my desire to give it all up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that 'giving up, is just another design, it's a fail safe system to make sure I do not stray from my preprogrammed reality and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that I could instead use the rising desire to give up as a flag for a point of transcendence that I can walk through by applying myself in writing and self corrective application

I commit myself to stop entertaining relationships in my mind, to instead breathe, walk, live and when a relationship of any kind presents itself in my physical reality to be fully present in the moment to honor, respect and consider another as would like to be considered myself.

Related articles

• Day 419: Relationships - Bread and Butter of My Existence
• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
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Day 417: Relationship Break Up - Get Up Neo!

I want to share my experience with my latest relationship break up.

There shouldn't be much to report because I am quite seasoned at relationship break ups, I had more of those than your average woman for sure but this is my first relationship break up within process and now I have tools to investigate myself and to stand up to my mind.

It did not seem so for a few weeks, I was aware that I felt relief when he left, I was aware that I never saw us grow old together no matter how hard I tried, I was aware that I had indulged in thoughts that I had not released and that were memory based on my previous experiences and not a good foundation for a sound relationship/agreement.

So as far as a few things I did not have to look too deep, the abnormal thing was why then I was sulking, oh yes, I found two points to beat myself on the head with about what 'he did' but even that should not have been enough for that 'feeling of lack of sense' like he went and took all the sense of my life with him.

My buddy tried everything to get me to stand up but I found many excuses about why I was not required to, I had the excuse of 'mourning' in my mind, a hard to believe one because how can one mourn a man that she felt relief watching leaving? Odd.

I allowed myself to go to the bottom of this, not as in 'investigating it to the core' no, to the bottom, sinking down and down into a black hole that I compounded with the mess outside, looking for more mess, more cruelty, more absurdity out there so I could justify why I didn't have the time to look inside, bigger things than me required my undivided attention, I even considered giving up process - 'what the fuck am I doing?' was a double edged sentence, it applied both to process and to leaving it for good,

My buddy said -push, look, write - but it seemed I did not know where to start.

I started from a dream, in which half of my face was battered black and blue, my right side, I saw it in a mirror while my best friend was there with me - my long lost best friend, someone I have allowed myself to believe that if she were in my life everything would be different - and that is true, I would have her unconditional support to not change, to remain the way I am and allow her to remain the way she is, this is how we bless each other in our 'systemic relationships' as we grant one another the right to fuck up our lives with each other's, unconditional, approval.

Anyway as I started to write again from that dream, at first my writing was convoluted, of course, words were coming out in compounded flows as I worked to free myself, strings that made not as much sense as they seemed to make in my mind took life on paper and then one writing led to another.

The point that came up for me was the point of self hatred, my relationship was the lid I had put on it, I wrote two long blogs about it and kept them between myself and my buddy, again it was sad for me to see how much of myself is still projected outside, to another, to the world systems, to the pedophiles, the elite, those bastards that hold creation in their hand and won't let it go - just like me.

So today I will write out the tail, what is left of this work that I have done to release myself and my ex partner from any blame so that I can stop feeling weird when he comes around and stop justifying why I have a right to feel weird because of what I perceived he did instead of realizing I feel weird about who I am, who I believe he thinks I am and about believing that he left as a way to reject me and say I am no good, when in fact it has been me rejecting myself and wanting to give up on myself,

The white rabbit of the Matrix is the delusion that down the road there is something better, that we can get out of this matrix through someone else leading us out when the truth of the Matter is, The Only Way Out - Is Within.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project on my ex partner blame for my experience of myself and for making him responsible for how I felt used and abused instead of seeing and realizing that I have used and abused this relationship as a lid to put on a pot of boiling self hatred hoping to get a ride on his 'love' out of the self hatred I felt for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when my ex partner comes around because I fear that his presence will trigger the point of self hatred inside of me that I have compounded with thoughts like 'see, he left me, he didn't want to be with me, he used me and abused me' thoughts that I now forgive and let go instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I have just used him to access this little treasure of negative energy I held on to within myself and that he is in no way responsible for how I experience myself nor he ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize and understand that it's hard to live with someone who lives self hatred as herself no matter what she projects outside and that it was a good decision he made to leave even though he could not put into words why he wanted to remove himself from this situation because he saw himself as part of the problem, as part of my self hatred which was always and only my creation that he had nothing to do with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when he left he gave me a point of support by stating that he would not accept to live with someone who lives self hatred as herself and that I can be grateful that he allowed me the space and time to go to the bottom of this point and release myself from it without using him as an excuse to why I had a right to keep hating myself no matter what

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear what he may have thought about me, wondering if he could see all that self hatred, assuming he may have been disgusted with me, not seeing realizing and understanding those were outside projections of what was going on inside of me and of what I thought about me and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as self judgement in disgust for myself and what I accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think 'what's the sense in all of this?' about process because I wanted a way out and not have to look at those feelings and the experience of myself as self hatred because it did not seem there was 'a good reason' to hate myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these were old patterns that I have always suppressed throughout my relationships and they just surfaced now again because nothing we participate with ever goes away and I now have the tools to deal with my mind and my suppression one experience of myself at the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in denial of the fact that I held feelings of self hatred within and as me because it seemed logical that I would have worked on these feelings at the very beginning of my process since one would want to give up feelings such as 'self hatred' as fast as possible due to their 'negative' charge, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that every source of energy within oneself that has been charged and fed over time will be harder to release because it's the switching off of a potential power plant one realizes will never have the chance to tap into again and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my self hatred justifying it with thinking that 'at least I hate myself' for this creation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this world is not created through our intention, or prayers or commitments if these do  not become 'who I am' because the world is created by the 1+1 of all the Who I ams of this world and that unless I let go of my self hatred I am contributing to the hatred of this world that gives birth to violence, wars, rape and murder in the futile attempt to resolve outside the self hatred we feel inside

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously justify my 'self hatred' as righteous, as good as I embodied Christ on the cross and the suffering of humankind by hating myself which is no solution to solve the hatred of this world and which is not a way to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that some of my self destructive behaviors were nothing else but self hatred becoming physical and within this I commit myself to stop myself  from existing in and as self hatred for myself and all of existence equal and one

When and as I see myself about to entertain a thought that may trigger feelings of self hatred later down the line, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have walked my self forgiveness and I will no longer accept and allow myself to embody hatred as me

When and as I see myself bringing up past times in which I hated myself, I stop, breathe, see if there are points I have not released myself from and if there are, flag them and get to them in writing as soon as I can to let them go for good

When and as I see myself attempting to, moving to or about to try and use this relationship with this good man to hate myself, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that he gave me all the support I required by walking away and give myself the same support by walking away from the desire to engage this construct ever again

I commit myself to no longer live self hatred one and equal with me, for myself and all of existence equal and one

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• Heaven’s Journey To Life
• 7 Year Journey To Life Process

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Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character

This is a Follow up to my post 'Owner of a Broken Heart'

So, digging up the origin of this point within me.

Something happened between me and my mum as I grew up, actually 2 things happened that played out this character first on her side and then on my side once I internalized it completely as 'Me'.

The first event was when I asked to go and live with my father because my mum was crazy and I could not take her blow ups any longer. A quiet, unspoken rage on her side followed that time, she called it hatred but that was just for maximum effect, it did not matter that my father said 'No, thanks', by then her 'Rejected Character' had kicked in and a vicious period of a few years followed as she tried to prove to me in every possible way that it was She who rejected me and not the other way around. She was quite convincing too.

At the height of this period she met a man who made a pass on me and I tried to keep at bay and not disclose this to my mum to not bring further grief in her life until he did it again and then I went into an aggressive 'stay away from me' stance which my mum mistook for 'jealousy' (?) and me not wanting her to enjoy her life and which culminated in her asking me to leave home. I won't go into the whole story but it's sufficient to remember that by that time she knew he was a molester and a bastard through and through, still she asked ME to leave, this activated the 'Nobody wants me Character' in me, as me and solidified it in place to the point that I always question men who have a relationship with me about the 'why' they stick around', because, obviously, if 'nobody wants me' what are they doing there?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not See, realize and understand that, as I was afraid to become a copy of my mother and her unpredictable patterns and I tried to resist through rational thinking  I was in fact already busy imprinting myself with the exact same patterns and just looking for ways to cover them up and pretend they were not there.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that we carry patterns of memories, emotions and feelings and traumas from one generation to the next and that it will take our active directive principle to stop ourselves from existing that way by deleting them through self forgiveness and rewriting scripts for ourselves that are more supportive to ourselves and everyone else that walks their life with us

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize  and understand that the point, the question 'what are you doing here?', had nothing to do with the other person but was about a pattern of myself I was revealing to myself and that I should have addressed it within myself even if the other person ended up justifying my question as something that existed 'within him as well'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the point of 'nobody wants me' was relative to others without seeing realizing and understanding that this point that I have internalized I then played out on myself, rejecting myself through judgements, separating myself into emotional reactions for which I blamed others instead of addressing the point of learning to want myself, accept myself unconditionally, beyond self judgement so that I would not need another to 'want me' because I had bridged the need to be wanted through the unconditional acceptance of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of things that happened with my mother and that I used to consolidate the 'Nobody wants me ' personality, without seeing realizing and understanding that it was because this character already existed within me that I sought points to validate it and make it real and that what I have miss-filed within the interpretation of the actions of my mother was functional to playing out a character that I failed to identify and release instead of validating it through distorted instrumental self interpreted memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to get really close to someone, really intimate and allow myself to create a functional agreement because I held on to the idea that in truth 'nobody wants me', having frozen in time an idea that if even my mother did not want me then 'nobody wants me' and within this for approaching every partner within suspicion wondering 'what do they really want' and looking for reasons in my mind that make them stay with me until I make these reasons and doubts so real that they end up participating and believing it was their own creation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enter a relationship 'hoping' that this time things would be different, even though I was aware that I had not walked myself out of the constructs of the mind through the application of the deletion modality of patterns as 'self forgiveness' and within this 'hope', for giving away my directive principle to something external, to another, 'hoping' they would be the ones doing the fixing of this 'broken heart' instead of standing as the directive principle of myself to work at repairing what is not best for me and hence not best for all involved

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as blame for my mother and for this pattern that I was aware she carried as she kept talking about when her mother abandoned her or did not want her and for realizing too late into the pattern that no matter how much I disliked listening to her and her rantings about it, I had already internalized this pattern and the irritation I felt was always toward myself and my own programming which I was afraid to take responsibility for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt when my partner said 'which story?' in a tone I interpreted as mocking, as to say there was never a story between us through which I ended up feeling duped and used and doubting the process I am walking because maybe if I had not self forgiven myself so much I would have been more aware of my reactions and I could have listened to them as a warning sign, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was because I suppressed my reactions and did not address them in full that I ended up feeling used and abused, which I was, but by myself and not by another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress points I wanted to come clean about because I held on to the pattern that since 'nobody wants me' already, I better not rock the boat, hope things will work out if I don't go into some other of my fragmented self and play out something even more unpleasant than this aloof character living on the sidewalk of this relationship and within this for fearing to rock the boat, not of my relationship but of my own mind, fearing that if I looked at everything that was in there about this relationship I would have to face the fact that I had made a mistake of judgement to start with because I was not ready to walk with another as I was barely learning to walk with myself and finding my own stability

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try and please another while suppressing reactions while doing so because I was afraid he would leave and then I would have to face the fact that 'nobody wants me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I could have always worked on this point without waiting to face it in the physical and that I have created this break up in many ways when I look at this relationship in self honesty, so that I could remove myself from this relationship and go back to working on myself, something I believed I was not effectively doing while being in a relationship with someone who was not walking his own process of self correction

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up this character to victimize and bully myself, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am working with a generational pattern and that I have deconstructed its origin and reason for being and that I always have a choice to engage or not what my mind offers as patterns of behavior

When and as I see myself looking back searching for reasons to blame another for this break up, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what is best for all is not necessarily having a long lasting relationship but it can be meeting someone, uncover some patterns to be released and when no one is any longer benefiting from what they can discover through one another, move on without holding another responsible in any way, shape or form

When and as I see myself wondering why 'I am not sad' abut this break up and then go about wanting to dust up this 'nobody wants me' character, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it may take some consistency in releasing this pattern completely because it is a generational pattern that I have accepted and allowed to play out and have created emotional ties to for quite some time but this in no ways means that I cannot release myself from it for good with consistent application

When and as I see myself approaching the 'nobody wants me' character in my mind, I stop, breathe, look for what I am wanting to not accept myself for, investigate the point, release myself from self judgement until I stand in unconditional acceptance of myself over what was bothering me and move on

I commit myself to stop my dependency on others for acceptance and to keep applying myself to stand as Self Acceptance while I walk my corrective application for myself and all of existence Equal and One

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Desteni.org - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Equal Life Foundation - Facebook Stream for Unfolding Events and Solutions.
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.

“What could have been, what has been, what can be, what will be, what shall be – all is unimportant. What is Here is all that any being ever has.” Bernard Poolman

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