Friday, January 4, 2013

Day 234: Who is Screwing with my Memories?

I have been on this planet for almost half a century.
But I have only about 1 month worth of memories under my belt, meaning, if I had to sit down and bring up my whole life in as many details as possible, it would take me 1 month, IF I could stretch it that far.
Would that be a Life Not worth remembering?
This point of my faulty memory bank always bothered me, where did my memories go, why can't I recall the totality of my Life in detail, my interactions with others in detail, was there something valuable in that iper-giga-byte package that I dumped somewhere that I should be able to recall, what if there was and if there was why would I let it go. How can I learn from a past I can't recall in detail?

I guess those questions just bothered me up to a certain point in my life, together with others like 'where do I come from' and 'why am I here', my culture didn't offer much support in answering those question, we had God and he had a plan, not that he cared to share it, it was like being employed for a job for which no one received instructions weird to say the least, but everyone seemed to think it was normal and as it was designed, kids soon or later cave in. I did.
I moved easily onto the 'we live multiple lives' vs the one life offered by the Catholics, come on, if I were to live just 1 life I would have great memories to treasure of this 1 unique experience, plus it must take multiple lives to learn a lesson that you don't know what it is, it wold be like going to school and always waiting to be tested on something that everyone was careful to not talk about.

As I picked and chose beliefs to align with, I went with the 'we are here to learn lessons' theory, I read somewhere that the world is divided in just so many types of beliefs to explain our Earthly experience:
The Lesson Theory - this includes reincarnation
The Love of God Theory - this was pretty unbelievable
The 3d Playground- this came later as I embraced the New age beliefs of Love and Light

There was a great list I read and can no longer find, as I asked Google 'Why are we here' I saw that there are 669.000.000 results, do we have as many opinions about 'Why are we here' or has the question been asked so many times, like 10% of the world population or almost everyone who has access to Internet asked this question, I don't know. This number surpasses everything else I have ever searched for, it must be something that bothers us deeply.

For myself, I chose the first theory, the lesson theory and when I used to try and push it on my ex -very scientifical minded- husband, he would argue that noone could be here to learn a lesson from a previous life they could not remember. hard to argue with that, not that I wouldn't try and then conclude with 'you just always look for evidence, why can't you just believe we are all part of a bigger plan?' he would not answer but the reply that always lingered between us was 'because this fucking alleged plan makes no sense at all'.

Today I listened to Anu's Interview no 119 "Memory and the Soul as The Creator Intended", which basically answered all of the above questions -the one of the Why has been explained in many other of his interviews- and 2 main points came up, a first point just plain old fashioned visceral Anger, because it seemed unfair to come here without an Instruction Manual, living on a Planet where everyone was separated from their Mind and the extensive lack of responsibility for it, just to learn from those that went before, making it the perfect closet in which one ass-umed could go and rant and rave and store there all kind of shit, understanding that the line between Good and Evil was just to Not do the things one thought about, looking at the world, wasn't  that fucking good enough?
This was a big point, the point of wanting to just get to some desolated lanes and kick the walls and scream and shake my fists up to Heaven, and it did not go away and I will deal with it through Self Forgiveness here below, but the next point that came up as I suppressed this anger -because it was just not appropriate to display it on public transport and no desolated isolated lanes were in sight-, a second point emerged and was just disheartening and overwhelming and triggered a lot of Shame, the point was that we don't remember because we just can't handle what we have done and how we have, deliberately or by default, impacted each other lives and the consequences we created through the way we lived.

Anu said as well that he thought about allowing humans to see the future to see the consequences of their behaviour so they could change and that humans would respond in 3 ways, one of which was My Way, which was to isolate myself and reduce to a minimum my interactions with others, not because I saw the future, I just saw the looping of my behaviors and simply because didn't know how to stop creating consequences and by a certain point in time forward  I became clear about the point that I was only living consequences and the consequences my interactions with others had, and I feared that I was only able to do that, to move like an elephant in a porcelain shop, damaging everything I came in touch with, even when not intending it, a movement of my tail would do and something would be broken irreparably forever.

In an attempt to release myself from the responsibility of the words I have carelessly spoken or even worse, intentionally, deliberately spoken, to harm, to damage, to hurt, I tried to disown and take a distance from the power, from the substance of my words, I denied that words had any meaning at all, I said and argued that words were just empty vessels that everyone filled with Their Own Crap, and in this I tried to remove any MEAN-ing from the words I spoke, to make them in-substantial hoping that since I could not stop shooting, at least I would, by my own choice, force myself to just shoot blanks and limit the damages that I seemed devoted to pursue.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store an image of myself trying to remember a specific point, moment, dialogue, interaction and when failing being puzzled and confused about it until I accepted that this happens to all, we just don't remember the details of our lives because it's MEANt to be this way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store an image of myself being asked by my mother, my grandparents, my friends, my partners 'don't you remember?' and for feeling ashamed and bad about not remembering in full what I had said or done, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was a reason and a bigger plan about why we were here and were supposed to learn lessons suppressing the questions about why if I was supposed to learn a lesson I could not remember which points I was supposed to correct about myself and wasn't that weird

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this was a 3d playground, denying the physical and embracing ideas and beliefs and opinions about it, so I could stop asking myself why there was so much suffering in the world and embrace the idea that we chose our lives, even when this point was clearly not sustainable because I wouldn't choose some of the lives the 'less fortunate' are living on this planet EVER

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to believe in the benevolence of this creation because I believed I could not live with the truth that a world such as this cannot be benevolent and that if I existed in the image and likeness of God I should be as non benevolent as he was and I feared seeing myself as Evil

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there must be a reason for our life on earth and that the reason must be benevolent, even in the face of the majority having a negative experience, just because I could not face the point that there is nothing benevolent either in this creation or in ourselves and that we were living the consequences of something that had gone terribly wrong and that I could not remember and I feared this point of not being able to either remember or work out 'why am I here'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when hearing Anu's interview about memory and how it was used and how we were used just like stupid dumb puppets, to feel an extensive all consuming visceral existential anger and then look for reasons to validate it because what was done was unfair and NOT the best way to support us to change at all and for believing I had a RIGHT to my anger I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when hearing Anu's explanation of the hows and why and then feel the existential all encompassing visceral anger, to desire to dwell in it because it was a rightful anger regardless of the fact that I am aware that emotions and feelings as reactions mean that I am in fact the very prisoner of the Mind for the creation of which I would still like to blame Anu as I fear I won't be able to face myself as this creation and for this fear I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame Anu for this Creation because I rather blame than take self responsibility, draw a line on everything that happened and forgive myself and all involved equally and start from here to rebuild a world that I am proud to live in and for having chosen once again blame over self responsibility I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that some anger is just too rightful to not participate in, that if I did not participate in such a righful anger I would be abnormal, subnormal, because anger is the normal response pattern to something that I myself judge as outrageous and unforgivable instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is one of the moments where I choose who do I want to be, a rightfully angry person, which means I am not real as I participate in mind construct which have no relation to the physical world if not for sucking out the life of myself and everyone else, or stop and decide I will not give into this anger because it's just a disempowering failsafe to prevent myself from moving consistently out of the Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to set triggers for anger for myself such as my own judgements of something as 'outrageous and unforgivable' and for judging what Anu did as outrageous and unforgivable so I could move into my 'rightful anger' I forgive myself 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame Anu for this creation, when in fact The Mind is nothing but a filing cabinet in which everything about my Being-ness has been neatly organized and that I can only stop fighting with my Mind and align with it as we together as a partnership walk out of this mess we created while living life in separation from each other and everything that exists

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt the moment of visceral anger take over my body instead of breathing and stopping immediately, go with it, because it was a chance to ride an energy rocket of too much of a magnitude to just be discarded for Breath, and for making my visceral anger more importand and de-light-full than Breath, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I felt the moment of visceral anger coming up, instead of taking responsibility for it and realizing this existed in and as me, to look for an external point I could rightfully project it on, because I could, and within this perpetrating this behaviour of rightful blame because I could I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I listened to the following interview about how we all have to give up what we treasure for this 1 life, to still stand as a point of conflict in my Mind with Anu seeking WHAT did He give up that was important to see if we were giving up things of Same Value, and for -upon hearing he had accepted to do these interviews and walk this process, to think 'NOT ENOUGH' and for thinking 'Do you even realize what fuck up you created down on earth, it is your Duty to fix it' and for not wanting to equally take the same responsibiity and thinking he should give up more than me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw that I was lost into a pattern of anger and rightfulness and retaliation, instead of stopping and breathing myself out of it, to keep going because All those emotions combined felt better than the shame that I felt when I realized the point of memory and why I can't remember the whole details of my life, and for feeling an existential visceral shame that I tried to cover up and blur with all the crap I participated in today and for believing all these emotions to be real, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized I was creating a life of consequences for myself and all the ones that came in touch with me, to move into guilt, shame and self blame and to attempt to remove myself from existence by embracing isolation, hoping that if I didn't interact with others I could limit the damages that I saw I was doing through My reckless irresponsible participation in and as The Mind in separation from existence and everything that is Here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dwell into the guilt and shame of the life of consequences I created for myself and others, instead of, when I found the tools to correct myself, get on with the self correction letting go of the past that I lived when I did not have the tools to take responsibility for myself and even less for mySelf as the whole, and for believing that I have not suffered enough for what I have done I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace a life of suffering in the hope to even out the books, even now that I see that I can correct myself and for believing that this is not enough and that suffering should be the way to go, and for imposing this suffering on myself and others Equal and One, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard the reason why most of our memories are not available to us, to feel a surge of shame and for realizing that it was true and that even though I had no access to the memories, I accessed the shame of my own behaviour and held on to it in fear that if I let go of the shame, nothing of me as what I have done and what I have existed as would remain, and for fearing to lose myself even in the face of a life unworthy to be lived I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I had access to all the minute details of my interactions with others I would be in such state of dismay that I wouldn't have been able to function and that there was a point of mercy in not making our memories available to us, within the malevolent plan of this creation, but that the point of not remembering the details doesn't exempt me from the responsibility to change, because I don't need the gory details of what I have done so far, I have a pretty clear picture of the overall ad that is good enough to walk my change consistently out of the Mind to stop this separation of mySelf from Self as All of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself seeking to retrieve a specific memory, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I need to walk my process is Here as me  and that I have clear access to my reactions as thoughts emotions and feelings and in self honesty I can address them one by one until I stand stable in and as Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into existential anger I stop and Breathe, see realize and understand that when I access anger I have blamed or I am about to blame someone else for where I find myself now and that if I do, I abdicate my ability to respond Here not as a product of my Past but as the Directive Principle of Myself in and as Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to suffer as a way to even out the books, through thoughts, memories, emotions and feelings, one way or another, I stop and breathe, see realize ad understand this is a Character I made up so I could feel good about myself for imposing on me the same suffering I believed I had been responsible for and that a Character has no power to change because it's  just one of my Powerless Creations to distract myself from the consistency required to walk myself into stability and an honorable life that works for mySelf as Self as a whole, once and for All

I commit myself to let go of the past and to stop looking for my missing memories as the reason why I can't change, I see realize and understand that what I need to walk as change is Here as me and that memories are not the support I need to change nor are they the key to change, I Am the Key to Self change and I can walk this change one breath at the time back into realignment to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

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