Day 194: You can always find the Evil behind the Good..& not viceversa

Today I have listened to one of the Amazing Interview by Anu, titled "The Key to Life through Evil", it was a pretty amazing experience.

A few days ago I had listened to the "Force of Good", which was awesome too, but it didn't hit me in the same way, it is possible that I was hit more specifically by "Evil vs Good' just as a build up, because the 'Force of Good' felt disturbing and for sure I split while listening to it -the usual disappearing act-, not because I am not aware of the Evil of reality or of this Creation as Ourselves, just because it felt a bit like the news, too much bad/negative information in one go to process.

I have had very bad back pain for some time now, it is possibly a posture problem, I have added a cushion just because my mother commented that I was not sitting at the right height the last time she saw me, which was true, but it was a height and a stretch my body had adjusted to, and then I had a series of new adjustment pains that took over everywhere, from the back into my shoulder blades and my neck, it got better only when I stopped writing for a while. On the point of pain I need to write out as well, I have developed a personality with a High Pain Threshold, the Brave One -apparently- and take some pleasure in enduring my personal 'hair shirt', the proof of my endurance under the least auspicious of conditions. But this is for another Blog.

The point of today's Blog is the point of Evil, one sentence was particularly poignant in the interview and hit home: "you can always trace Evil back from Good" and interestingly enough, not viceversa.

You can't find anything good in Evil -no, positive thinking delusions and optimism do not apply as we are talking Reality in this instance-, in fact it is even truer that you need Evil for Good to exist.

To feel good, you must do something 'good' for someone who is 'out of luck' or 'feeling bad', there is never an example where Good can exist without Evil/Bad/negative being there first to create the very condition for Good to exist.

After the interview I had my own personal example. I boarded an almost empty bus and sat down, I still have issues with sitting down because my mother would make me stand as a kid because 'I did not need to sit' in case someone who needed the seat more than me, young and vibrant, would board the bus. If I had been allowed to sit, at the view of someone 'less fortunate' in age or physical condition I would have to get up and give my seat, my mum would give hers as well all according to 'who was the least fortunate', if she was, just by the fact of having a kid and possibly being loaded with bags, there would be a mental 'need' contest to assess who had more 'rights' to the seat. So I have 'seating' issues still and when I sit down even in an almost empty bus, I feel slightly guilty.

After a couple of stops a hoard of students boarded the bus, one run to sit in front of me, the bus filled up and all seats were taken, his friends gathered around him and one of them started to talk about his injured leg and how he should sit down as he was still recovering from an operation, his friend was laughing and trying to pretend he was not concerned, listening to his Ipod and looking out of the window.

Of course all my seating issues kicked in, so in my mind I went through the following backchat

• I should stand up and give him my seat - this was followed by another thought that said -you are just feeling guilty- which was true and the point was I would have stood up in guilt

Then I thought,

• if I get up I will be doing it 'to teach his friend a lesson', to show him what HE SHOULD HAVE DONE, that would be nasty

Next thought

• "he is playing the operation story to get a seat'

So I am debating with myself until I find another thought which is 

• 'why isn't his friend getting up to give him His seat?" 

This thought was the one that gave me the most relief, I had CLEARLY assessed that it was Not my responsibility to do something about it. Basically this is what goes on through our Minds on a daily basis, no matter what the subject is, we chat with ourselves until 'we feel better' about something, no matter what that entails, how much we have to 'wrong' and belittle someone else, all is fair and square until it happens in the 'secrecy' of my Mind.

The fact that such backchats has been glamourized by Hollywood in movies or series such as Ally Mc Beal, where everyone finally got to SEE what was going on through someone's mind in FACT and not the outer presentation alone that was offered, it's worrisome, we are making movies about our Mental Sicknesses and attempting to 'normalize them', just because everyone does it, it doesn't make it Normal or any less Nasty or acceptable that we have a whole parade of Personae in our Mind talking to each other, we are just one degree away from Schizophrenia, the Schizophrenics are just unable to manage the secret chit chats 'inside' and they start to externalize them, this would be just about the 1 degree of difference that exists.

The fact that we are now a few steps ahead of our Madness doesn't make us any less mad, the new trend is 'to declare' our thoughts out loud 'I said that to make you feel guilty haha', "I said that to make you feel jealous, to make you suffer, to make you miss me'', 'I know I was manipulating him/her but I did it for his/her own good', we have an infinite list of declaration of apparent 'innocence', we insist though to never question Who we really Are through everything that goes on in Our Minds. Luckily implosion is what lies ahead for All of Us, we'll get to the point of being unable to contain the crap that we circulate back and forth and we'll be forced to face it, it happened to me, if you can hear don't wait, THAT is not the best of experiences and is NOT necessary either.

Back to today's incident, what I showed myself is that whatever choice I believed I had while 'thinking myself out of that situation', such as the ones offered by my backchat, once I start thinking, I Have In Fact NO Choice, because every choice offered is only for Me, this guy wasn't even in my pictured Mind reality, one choice was to do the 'right thing' so I could feel Good about Myself, One choice was to Not do the 'Right Thing' because I saw myself wanting to do that and so I could use that point as my justification to Not Act, Another Choice was to believe he was Lying, which would solve the question right out since he would then be At Fault and the last most relieving thought was 'it's someone else's responsibility to do the 'right thing', all this of course from a starting point of having decided what is the right thing to do as a kid when my mother made me do Her Right Thing so She Could Feel Good about Herself. 

Plus, if I had managed to feel good about myself by standing up, I could have done so only in the face of something bad, in this case 'an injured guy'.

SO, where is the choice between Good and Evil if not A Joke? Within our Minds, there is No Choice, there is Only the Evil Choice of the Self Interest of ourselves or the implanted choice of another in the process of feeling Good about themselves, and why are we seeking to feel Good? If we were honest about our lives, we could say that most of the time we don't feel Good hence we seek the Evil, the Bad, the negative as a stepping stone into 'our imaginary goodness'. Or we seek for it in another, failing to see we are just projecting ourselves in a Mirror, it's never about another, everything that happens in Our Minds is Who we Are.

We have to give up our Minds, our own existence as The Mind, what goes on there is not hidden, it's in full display in this World and obviously nothing to be proud of.

Today one of my friend who is not walking process with Desteni came to a self realization 'We need the Poor people, we need the ones that are one step below us, unluckier, more distraught, because this is HOW we make our own lives bearable'. So in self Honesty each one of us can see the truth of Ourselves and why we need to change, there is No Good to Save, we can safely move on, nothing of Value will be lost and we'll have to lose it all, face the Fear of 'Losing Our Minds' to walk into Life as Life.

So, for those interested in unveiling the truth of this existence, support yourself with the Interviews available at Eqafe, they are Not Uplifting, reality can't be uplifting, this is why we made up so much crap to cover it up, but it is liberating, discovering that you are Not Mad after All but just plain Evil in Disguise is the way to go, Life can be reclaimed by Each One of Us, skip and hop over the Good, that part is Not Real, so we can all get down to the nitty-gritty of our own Evilness and stop this Creation that is manifesting outside the Truth of our Being-ness inside, until we change that, nothing will change, and as everyone can see a Change is required, the sooner we get on with it, the more chances we have to save something of ourselves and of this world with and as us, so we may create a World where Evil no longer exists and Life is Honoured in a World that is Best for All.

Tomorrow I will walk my Self Forgiveness for the Evil as Me. It will sure take some posts to unravel that.

Related articles

• Evil has Become Much Stronger than the Good
• 194. Let the Mask Fall!
• 195. The Righteousness of Evil
• Day 173: The Queen of Spades - Looping Memories as The Shackles Within
• Facing the Evil within - the KEY to Self Awareness - Day 188
• Comparison is a Bitch - Day 212

Day 193: Be Nice! - The Patron-izing of Reality

Reality is in the grips of Positive Thinkers and is being manipulated for 'feeling good", I know how it works to the T, I was one of them, I lived it, preached it and wouldn't have had it any other way. I was Sold, a Sould-Dear to 'sticking my head up my butt', it was warm and comfy up there, I really liked it.

To 'feel good' about this world we have to Not Look at It, there is No other way if we are looking to regulate our Life on Feelings and Emotions as a Guideline, it takes some practice, blindfolders and a dedication to Role Playing, it is the Fifty Shades of Grey of Humanity, Reality is sold out for a sadomaso kit of cuffs and gags.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my mum that ended in this 'ah today is your complaining day, let me take out some popcorn so you can have a go at it' -laugh/laugh-, I was not complaining, I just asked if this World seems All Right following the 'Education incident' she asked me about.

I was aware that I must have started somewhere to brush off reality, I am aware as well that it starts with the Family but I liked to see my mother 'not like other mothers', due to the fact that I suppressed much guilt and shame for our Relationship I have made her a Martyr in my Mind, better than most.

I don't like to think that everything She did was for herself, every bit of "Good' she chased was not for the Good of others, but was for 'feeling better' about this World, that is just sad, the truth of this World is Sad, isn't it?

There is a commmon thread we all seem to follow when we are born in this world, a thread that is woven with the horrors of Reality and our relationship with each other that ultimately ends in denial, not the longest River in Egypt, the other one, the one that says NO to reality, that shouts that the Physical is not Real, that tries to 'HarryPotter' existence into something else.

When she laughed last night and I did not join in I felt a huge Gap taking place between us, I saw clearly in detail as well how it isthat Children are moved out of Reality by Parents, it starts with the 'Be Nice, you know how lucky you are, think of those Poor children in Africa, what do you lack?", which shows as well how we use the Poor and Derelict for a 'Pick me up' they are the 'Tiramisu' of Existence, they make our Life sweeter by Comparison, it could have been me, and yet, it isn't.

This proves that there isn't One of us that is Not Aware of what goes on in the World, we are so aware in fact that we use 'reality' to threaten each other with and to push each other to build up a Nest in our Minds to escape reality, a 'Safe Place' haha, boy did we get this one wrong.

Poverty is in place as a reminder of our Better Place in Society, as the Wand and Bat we use to cast the 'Be Nice" spell on each other which contains the unspoken wide ranging 'or else', that goes anywhere from 'boarding house' to 'out in the street' ragged and starving in the Big Bad World.

You want my support? BE NICE

You want my unconditional Love? BE NICE

You want to live? BE NICE

You want to talk reality? Fuck Off, Be Nice, stop the Negativity -no of course I don't mean 'the One out there', I just mean yours, stop bringing up this subject that makes me feel bad for which I will have to patronize you until you STOP, get it, reality is Not the Problem, YOU ARE , so you better change your attitude Missy and align with the way things are, because the system won't change, cant' change, I won't support you wanting to Change this system, if I did it would stand as a testament about My Fuck Up and WHY didn't I, and I won't have any of that. Get that Clear, Missy.'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when my mother told me as a kid to 'be Nice' she was being a good person trying to teach me about Good Manners and how to respect others, instead of seeing she was asking me to shut up and never raise subjects that were moving emotions of unconfortability and inadequacy first within her and then within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'being Nice' is better than 'being Not Nice', instead of really seeing what both these statements meant and what they implied as the blind Acceptance of this System and how Acceptance and Allowance is the very thing that is keeping this system in place the way it is, and how the System has turned everyone into the jailers that keep others in place, no longer requiring any force because the jailing has become an Inside Job that we took on from our Parents when we grew up

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to believe that my mum was 'good at heart' because I wanted something 'Good' in my life to hag on to and I feared letting go al delusions that are Family related and stand alone in this World having to face the Ugliness of what we have accepted and allowed in the name of Money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my mum 'Good' in my eyes out of the Guilt and Shame I felt for how I handled my relationship with her, not seeing, realizing and understanding that if we are on this Planet, we can't be Good and no one can be trusted until All of Us walk out of our Mind Consciousness system that seeks only self interest, to stand for what is Best for All, as Life, as One and Equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that kids are patronized into existence, which means owned as Patron is the Master of the Colonies and Plantation, where the seeds as children never had a chance to grow up to be the best they could be because the System through the Parents told them to 'Be Nice' and not make waves of any kind that could upset the Status Quo

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that we never grow out of our education and the proof is in the British Etiquette for when we share a table and agree that we won't talk about Religion, Politics or Money, which is not so as to not have anyone upset, but so as to not have the System upset by people getting together discussing their Mind Control and how did we end up believing that the World the way it is makes any sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'Be Nice' and pass on this desease to other kids I interacted with when Being Nice meant that we had to be something else, do something else and mainly accept things the way they are without making a 'fuss' about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my mu last night said 'no, it's not that I don't see this World, I just accept it' feel a void inside of me and then when I saw THAT sentence as how I myself moved into acceptance of the World as it is to feel annoyed and patronizing toward her, wanting to say 'you don't know shit' just because I felt patronized by her speech that said 'I don't stand in your way to wanting to change the world, I hope YOU do, I am here waiting for you to do it' but regardless of her words what I heard was 'go on little system, go and face the truth of this unchangeable world then YOU'll see WHo has lost touch with Reality'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel patronized, because this word means owned, which means I have accepted and allowed myself to be owned by ideas and beliefs and the gicing up of others, aligning myself to 'giving up' and Being Nice and Positive because this is what will keep this system in place, the Happy Slaves we have become under the Imaginary banner of Freedom, when in fact we have never been Free and as far as Happy goes, we have managed to be biochemically Happy and that would be about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself when I see that I don't want to see my mother this week end but then 'I think' maybe is because I want to retaliate, it's because I want to patronize HER now and cast her aside for Being Nice and for having become a convoluted bundle of emotions and feelings that I am not discerning clearly and for not trusting myself and my self honesty I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, to always have to think things over before I make a decision, because I believe that I don't know what I want and now I believe that everything I want could be tainted with an agenda that I am not yet able to see in full and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it makes any difference if I se my mum or not this week end, instead of seeing and realizing nothing that happens outside has any power over us, unless we decide it does and for gicing my power away to outside events, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be moved by external event, by someone outside of myself into thinking or feeling something, when in fact no one exists outside of me, but the World as a Mirror, to point out where I am still holding on to Ideas and Beliefs that keep me in Place, being Nice against All Odds and for asking others to Be Nice to me as a way to secure for myself 'Good Feelings vs negative Emotions' I forgive myself

I commit myself to stop my existence as a brick of the being 'Nice' movement as I see, realize and understand that being 'Nice' is a way to support this system and not make waves, it is a way to separate myself from this system in fear of rejection,  in fear that the system can't be changes and I better align myself through niceness to not rock any boat

I commit myself to stand for a Change as the Change that is required in this World, owning the point that we are the bricks  that needs changing and we need to turn our existence from a flimsy make belief into Matter, because only Matter Matters and each one's change into a substantial existence is required to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, for a real Change to take place for All.

Related articles

• Day 191: Mind Control - The Dark Side of "Hope"
• Day 64 - Facing the Reality
• Day 91 - What Moves Me?
• Day 107: Getting Reality to Conform to an Illusion
• Day 193: Punishment Fits The Crime
• Day 200: After Death Communication - Part 49

Day 188: Social Engineering - Happy Foods - Sugar As Spice

So, in my Pursuit of Happiness, one of the Main Roles has been played by Food.

Since I was a kid Food has been given to me as a Reward, as a bribe, as a prize as something to look forward to, so Food has lost its place as Nutrition in my Mind quite early, to be replaced with a 'feeling' first of anticipation and then the 'happy feeling', the achievement of a promise, only to be followed by the down, proportional to the high which in the case of Sugar would be a ride up into Euphoria and a sliding down into Depression.

When I was a kid I had access to unsupervised Money, which I regularly, daily, turned into Sweets at the little Shop run by the Nuns in my School, the Nuns being the second pushers I met in my Life, first being my Family, and wouldn't that be appropriate, they sold us Hell and the bitterness of Life and then the 'Happy Pills', the Pacifiers, the Hope that everything will be fine after All.

The topic of Food as a mean to Happiness is quite extensive for me and I will unfold it in a few Blogs as this is a point I have wished to Not Correct, because I feel there is nothing left for me to live for most of the time and I fear letting go of food as my Source of Happiness.

As I researched for a picture to place here regarding "Happy Foods" I was overwhelmed by images of Happy Food Pictures, the "Happy" labeling of Food is extensive, we have Happy Candies, Happy Treats, Happy Cotton Candy, Happy Halloween Sweets, Happy Mc Meals and when we tried to correct the fuck up we had become about foods how did we do that? With Happy Healthy Foods.

At some level we understand that we won't be able to let go the Happy Foods if not for others Happy Foods, who wants to eat 'sad' healthy carrots and greens, 'depressed' proteins, 'sorrowful' potatoes, so the association of Food with the experience of Happiness, with the Dream of Happiness is so common we don't even see it anymore, all our foods are now 'Happy', now in Italy we have Happy Yogurts, Happy Salads, Happy organic Food, there is so much freaking Happiness in our Foods, it's no wonder there is none left for Humans, we have to eat it, drink it, but most importantly BUY IT.

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to buy into the Happy Foods idea as a kid because I was sad and I was looking for ways to self medicate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited about sweet food, because it was given to me as a treat for which I should get excited and I just complied

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look forward to sweet happy foods when spending time with my grandparents as a way to spite my mum who was stricter on food both for health and because we did not have money to waste on nonsense food, and for developing a spiteful relationship with food as my way to 'go against the system'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stuff myself with sugar to experience the rush of 'well being' as an energetic fix because I did not feel alive as a kid and I sought for ways to 'come alive' no matter at what cost for my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sugar was giving me life and liveliness instead of realizing sugar turned me spastic and damaged my brain to the point that I had to go on medications for brain inflammation due to overuse/abuse of sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even when sugar gave me terrible crampings and pain, not be willing to let it go because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the if I had given up that little liveliness that I felt, I would no longer exist and would become catatonic like the people of the movies when on Thorazine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is Bitter and needs to be sweetened up, corrected with Sugar to be acceptable, instead of seeing and realizing it was my participation in and as the Mind and my belief that THAT was all I was that gave me the experience of bitterness, embitterment that I believed to be me as Who I was, from which I tried to escape with copious amounts of sugar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my extensive use of sugar out of shame because I judged this little secret habit as unbecoming, unladylike and something to hide because if I did come clean about it they would take it from me, forbid me to access it and then I would have to face the embittered reality of me I was participating in and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that eating sweets/sugar would make me happy/happier, even though I had eaten a ton of it with no results if not the desire for more, helping out to keep me floating on the sugar high and never have to land on the miserable reality of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself addicted to sugar and to the belief that if I kept at it maybe the cumulative effect would one day deliver that elusive 'Happy' experience that was shown in the Sugar Pushing Ads, always seeking, chasing that unreachable experience of Happiness, moving from one disappointment to another about Foods that I bought after watching TV and the experiences they promised that were never delivered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when going for my sugar binges, do it in secret, hiding the fact that as an adult I would still buy 'Happy Colas' by the truckloads, associating every 'Happy' Sugar/Candy name to a chance, a possibility that I may get Happy if I kept going, maybe another pack will do, maybe this time it will work, maybe if I eat them slower, faster, in a whole fistful, bite them in half, don't bite them in half, trying all possible combinations BAR facing the point that there is NO HAPPINESS in Sugar or in any other Food and that the seeking of Happiness as my Right to be Happy as the Self Interest of an experience that would only take place in my head first and then in my body through insulin and adrenaline release that I identified as a Life worth living, because I could not see any other worth or value in Life except the artificial one I managed to inject into it through whatever 'promised' the happiness I sought

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Life was sad and not worth living because I did not see myself having access to everything that was available in this world but only to a limited amount of it, defined by Money, within a system that we created for Exclusivity, to make sure some would get it All and some would be 'excluded' from the good experiences of Life that could then be prompted to BUY for themselves having accepted and allowed the belief that UnHappy lives were not worth living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hoard candies and hide them because I could not share my medications with other kids, as I wanted to have more, to be more, to be More Happy and as such, More Worthy, More valuable, with a Life More MeaningFull, Sweeter and if the other kids would have to be sad and bitter, better them than me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be more than other kids, happier, with a sweeter life, more meaningFull, which is what we do all the way into AdultHood, changing sweets for gadgets, homes, cars, food, to separate ourselves from the rest of the world, hoping to leave the embittered reality of this Existence behind, to someone else, instead of standing for a Solution that would benefit All equally, to erase this bitterness from existence once and for All, creating a system where Life is Equally Sweet for All Living beings and no one needs any Happy Pills to make the medicine, as the truth of what this World has turned into, go down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and desire Happiness only for myself because it seemed there was not Enough Happiness in this world to go around, to share Equally and so we would have to embrace each individual Pursuit of happiness stepping on the heads of the ones lower on this World Ladder to make sure we got where we wanted to be, to the Happy Places of existence, without considering how to build Existence into a Happy Place for All, Equal and One. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is not enough of anything to go around and be shared Equally, having realized that some were born Poor, with less access than me to the Goodies of the World, being glad about it because until there is someone standing below us, we can call ourselves Lucky and feel good about ourselves and for not standing up for a Solution that would embrace All and Create a Dignified Life for All, Equal and One, I For-Give myself.

Related articles

• Self-Forgiveness Over Everything
• Day 186: Social Engineering - The Downfall of Happiness
• Day 187: Social Engineering - My Constitutional Right to Happiness
• Day 99 - Equality Means Sharing
• Day 158 Greed Character Part 4
• Day 159 Greed Character Part 5

Day 184: Don't Call My Name In Vain

So, looking at my name and what my Name carries in terms of energetics, memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When I was a kid I didn't like my name it was too long and people would end up cutting it, which I was pleased about, half of it seemes useless anyway, why so many vowels, why a name that is longer than my surname, it didn't seem right.

There were other things 'wrong' with my name that I noticed.

I am not sure that I was born this way, wih a sense of simmetry and of 'where things belong' in a space, because things don't belong just anywhere, they belong in a specific place in space, we just need to find it, put them there and never move them again, the fact that others didn't see the 'place of things' as almost marked with dotted lines seemes very strange to me, why were they not paying attention??

The same was for my name, it had 2 vowels, one next to the other

El-eo-no-ra

this was not right, every consonant should have just a vowel next to it, that would be balance in my imaginary rules of the world of sound.

2 vowels next to each other have a name, they are called diphthongs, but it's not the case of the ones in my name, as in "a gliding monosyllabic speech sound as the sounds of “ou” in “out” and of “oy” in “boy”, my 2 vowels did not 'glide into each other, you could hear them both "e+o".

When I was in primary school and the teacher explained gender, she told us that masculine words ended with 'o' in the singular and 'i' in the plural. I sat there in shock, I  had 2 masculine vowels in my name, how was THAT possible? I checked out all the other girls names: Anna, Valentina, Maria, Cinzia, Carmen..ah there, Roberta, but she had only 1 'o', she was less masculine than me, is it?

Why was I not given a feminine name, a more common name not a "Special One', I felt I did not fit my name, I was too small for this name long, full of vowels name, for the expectations this name carried, I had to literally grow into it to fit it to myself and stop feeling awkward about it

When I went home and complained and asked for explanations, my mum said I didn't understand anything, it was a regal name, a Noble name, there had been Princesses and Queen with my name. Were there?

I went and checked it out, nope, the Queen and Noble ones were called Eleanor, only one 'o' check it up dear mum, the Italian ones were less known, I discovered them later (like 5 minutes ago when I looked it up, because at my times we did not have Internet but just access to libraries and school books) so basically I created this Fear of having been given an 'unfeminine' name' which could explain why I balanced out the act for the rest of my life with a very very feminine personality.

The peple who called me by my full name were only my grandparents, on all sides, teachers, anyone in a position of authority that would read my documents and my mother when she was angry.

She would stress the middle "o" EleOnora and that intonation alone would catapult me in a self created state of anxiety in which I would immediately move into my Mind walking back the time from when I last saw her, checking for what could I have possibly done that prompted the EleOnora call hoping that if I could find the incriminating bit I could make up a story in my defence, come on, THINK THINK!!

So, within me my name exists in 2 versions, the full version, linked to Authority and Authoritarian moments in my life and as soon as it is spoken that way I move into defence mode and then the short version, Ele, Ellie, Ely, whatever, just take the freaking scary Os out of it, so I can relax and breathe.

In next blog I will walk the self forgiveness and self corrective Script to release all the energetic ties that link me to it into automatic reaction Mode to my Birth name.

Related articles

• Stupidity Loop - Jumping from the Bad to the Good to the Bad - Day 196
• Day 196: After Death Communication - Part 45
• 197: After Death Communication - Part 46
• 198: After Death Communication - Part 47

Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You

This is a Follow up to My Previous Blogs on the Character "I don't need Anybody":

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I don't Need Anybody
Don't You Dare Hitting Me
I Hate you Mommy Dearest

One Day I'll Fly Away


Physical Reactions

• Stomach tightening
• Chest tightening
• Feeling constricted in breath
• Heat in my face and ears

Consequences

• Emotional build up
• Toxic relationship build up that as it became heavier I no longer knew how to address
• Overactive Mind activity
• No trust in others as I didn't trust myself for my extensive back chat against my mother even though on the outside I 'looked normal'
• Not wanting to get close to anyone for real because if my mother had a desire to hurt and harm me, what about strangers, how could I ever trust anybody for real?
• Fear of relationships and commitments

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through accessing my 'I don't Need Anybody' Character to go into physical reactions such as stomach and chest tightening, accepting and allowing my breath to become constricted, perceiving the heat rushing up to my face and ears in rage as this Character is born out of Spitefulness and the desire to Harm and for entertaining this Character to the point of Physical discomfort of myself and others Equal and One, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, through pride and the desire to be superior, in fear of being weak and inferior, embody this 'I don't Need Anybody' Character', careless of the Consequences I would have to walk by my own statement that 'I don't Need Anybody' when in fact I was a wreck always needing somebody to prove my worth and my reason and purpose for my existence and for giving up on myself as myself in favour of a Character out of Fear and the desire to retaliate, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I embodied the 'I don't need anybody Character' move into my backchat, feeling authorized by my 'not needing anybody' to build up reasons why I was right and someone else was wrong so I could sustain the point that 'I did not need to need them' as they were wrong-er than me, faulti-er than me, and through this build up of toxic backchat put myself in a position where the possibility to express myself and go back onto my steps to self correct, diminished exponentially, as I wanted because I did not want to have to look at an event, see how I had abused and take it back but wished to blame it on someone else instead, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create Consequences for myself  and others to walk as a result of creating, embodying and then believing to be the 'I don't need anybody' Character and for subjecting myself to toxic build up due to my own participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings within the secret of my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I looked for justifications and excuses about 'Why I REALLY didn't need anybody' create an over active Mind, in search for reasons, faults, mistakes that I could store away for that moment when I would step into this Character and I would be searching for the toxic/dirt file on somebody so I could, apparently, rid myself of them from my mind, never seeing how unsuccessful this all movement was and insisting throughout my life, upping the toxic upload, storing poison that I hoped would one day kill them so I would not have to face the regret for the things I did wrong that I did not know how to correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own backchat, believing THAT THING could not be me, believing it was just a defence mechanism I was entitled to because I was sure everyone else was doing the same, I KNEW my family was as I had gotten slammed with the toxic/dirt files they held against me, and even though I experienced the constant crippling fear of an existence under scrutiny wondering what did I say or do during a day that had been filed up into the secret mind and toxic/dirt archives of my family for future uses, I did the same to others, believing that this game was just about WHO could store more toxic information to win the final battle, not realizing that as I wished to win the final toxic battle I had to accept and allow myself to become the most toxic of them all, and for this I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to a point of such distrust of myself due to my toxic files that I could no longer trust anybody 'out there', while in fact I simply did not trust myself in here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother as I perceived her first blow up as a personal attack that mined my safety and since then associating every blow up of anyone to myself personally and to FEAR, moving into adrenaline discharges so wild that I would physically shake as I attacked back, perceiving the damage I was doing to my physical body and yet unwilling to stop because really 'I didn't need anybody' after all and I had to get even! Even at the cost of my physical body being harmed in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I did not trust myself and the inner workings of myself as the Mind, be suspicious of each and every relationship, always wondering what THEY were hiding from me, when in fact it was me hiding from myself stuff that I feared I had stored somewhere and then hid so I would not have to feel the shame of all the skeletons in the closets I filed in perceived 'self defense' turning myself into a cemetery of memories, an archive of horrors from which I feared I would never be able to escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create Isolation for myself as the Character that 'doesn't need anybody', fearing human interactions and ultimately what I would do as my imaginary 'Contingency Plans' whenever I had a chance, and within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lead a life in which I feared myself and others, One and Equal.



When and as I see myself interacting with someone with whom I have built or I am in the process to build a relationship with and see myself tempted to move into my inner aloofness which activates my inner evil archivist, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer wish to live like a repository of others' 'perceived' mistakes and falls instead I bring myself back here so as to make sure that I won't be filing information in and as my 'Inner Evil Archivist' Character, but instead will be present Here in breath to grow and expand myself and another with me One and Equal through Self Honest, Secret-Agenda-Free interactions

When and as I see myself moving into fear or about to move into fear that a relationship may becoming important, I stop, Breathe, see, realize and understand that I am Equalizing myself to make All relationships of my Life Equally Important as in relationships I care for, and that there is nothing to fear such as loss of the relationship or myself, but instead an opportunity to become intimate with another in Self Honest Shared Presence

When and as I see myself fearing the loss of a relationship or of myself within a relationship, I stop, Breathe, I see realize and understand that only Characters can get lost and only Characters Fear and that if I keep myself coming back to Breathe consistently I can develop the relationship with myself that I have always been seeking and that I can never lose, no matter what

When and as I see myself trying to brush off someone or a situation through my 'I don't need anybody' Character, I realize I have activated a fear as I stepped into this Character, so I breathe through the Fear,  breathe myself out of this Character and I investigate what triggered the fear so I can address the point and brick by brick, dismantle this Character and its useless existence

I commit myself to investigate this point until I no longer wish or desire to step into this Character and to see which triggers still exist so I can address them all to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

Related articles

• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest
• Day 182: One Day I'll Fly Away
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 153: I'm not 'That Kind of Woman' - Character
• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest

This is a Follow up to my Previous Posts
links at the bottom

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I Don't Need Anybody
Don't you Dare Hitting Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take what my mother said to me in moments of anger personally and to believe that if she said those things to me about me, than THAT must be who I was, instead of seeing and realizing she was just venting her bottled up energy on me because I was the only one around with whom she felt 'comfortable' 'letting it all out'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when those moments of anger and frustration built up with my mother, believe that she did not love me such as the mothers from fairy tales books who seemed all so loving and nice and not bitchy and wild like my mother was, failing to see that the fairy tales mothers are just that, fairy tales, designed to make us feel victimized and 'not good enough' while the truth of this world is that most mothers are maladjusted as they juggle many roles with no clue about raising children and how they are in fact impacting their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, after the blow up episodes with my mother, retreat into my mind, thinking up ALL the ways she should have/could have behaved if she DID love me, confirming to myself that I was not in fact loved and using this information to build up Spitefulness in and as me, together with a Character that has Imaginary lists of "Requirements' to be fulfilled as a proof of rock solid Love, according to fairy tales and storytelling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a result of my beliefs that there is 'a right way to love' set Con-ditions to my relationships that had to be fulfilled, because I could not do anything for the 'non loving' attitude of my mother, which was my own definition of her as unfulfilling the 'imaginary requirements' I had set for a 'Loving Mother', but I could for sure set conditions to my relationships and every time they would not be fulfilled I would just walk away, because by then, I could

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat myself about the point that my mum did not care about me because I deliberately defined 'caring' as in 'doing something for me' to fulfill ideas and opinions I had already built up about mothers who had to 'sacrifice' for their children and since she wasn't doing enough sacrificing for me to prove her worthy motherhood, I felt entitled to my belief that she was not caring about me so I would build up credits to cash in later by making her feel bad about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, entertain the thought that 'as soon as I could I would leave', because this secret though became a foundation of my personality and how I lived out my relationships, always with a foot in and a foot out, collecting credits until I felt entitled to start my 'I'm leaving' plots first inside of myself and then speak them out loud, leaving the other person in the relationship always insecure, forcing them to then do the things I wanted them to do or say the things I wanted to hear to confirm my value as a Character, a value from which I separated myself seeking for value and Worth outside instead of standing and living as Self Value and self Worth as mySelf, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the crap that I had to do things, attain landmarks, make something of me, failing to see that in the making I separated myself from me as who I am, wanting to be something else, desiring to be more, accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was Not Good enough, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, define my mother as Evil and Cruel, projecting on her my own Self Judgement of myself as Evil and Cruel because I did not seem to have the filters everyone had about themselves and the workings of my devious Mind were quite blatant and easily visible and since I could not deal or handle, or that was what I believed at the time, the Evil workings of my secret Mind, I projected my own self judgement of myself on others, making them the bad ones and myself, at worse, the retaliat-or, a retaliation to which I told myself I was entitled because 'I was NOT the one who started this"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hatred, become hatred as I built up my reasons why my hatred was in fact justified, instead of seeing and realizing I lived my own Self Hatred as Who I am and then looked for reasons and people I could discharge it on so I wouldn't have to look at how and why I was experiencing myself in and as self hatred, because that would have been the admission that there was in fact something wrong and faulty with me as The Mind but I suppressed it because I did not have the tools to deal with such experience of myself and for believing I was the Hatred I felt and for projecting it on others I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the reason why I believed I hated my mum was because, due to taking things she said and did personally, I experienced self hatred as my own unworthiness and uselessness and I experienced myself as 'not being enough/not good enough' to bring balance to this family and my mum, not being a good enough reason for joy or the gratefulness that books about mothers said that mothers experienced in the presence of their children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to this experience of self hatred that I harbored inside of myself as myself and for abusing myself with emotions and feelings, living on a swing from which I did not know how to get off, wishing for a 'happy life' while I lived a miserable one, preparing the road for myself to seek solutions for this perceived encagement onto a swing that ended up in later on abusing myself with mind altering substances, seeking the relief from my own self created experience as I did not know how to support myself effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within the starting point of Fear that I was useless in bringing on the 'hahpy Family' of 'Happy days' and I was in fact a burden, to think within my secret mind that I did not need my mum or anyone for that matter, as I feared rejection and the moment in which I would be told 'you are useless, look, you did not help at all to turn this into a happy/Happy days family, go away, go to the boarding house, we return you to the sender' and as such I would build this armour affirming that it was ME not needing HER and then THEM later on, which was not an affirmation of stability as in 'I am enough to myself' but based in fear and terror that they would get rid of me and unless I was prepared I would just break in pieces and would never be able to put myself back together again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up Spitefulness as me, as a result of my own self inflicted suffering that I blamed on others, desiring to inflict the same suffering I experienced, hoping that removing myself from a relationship would cause the same fear and suffering that I experienced in and as myself, justifying my spitefulness as 'natural' because it was natural and human nature to desire to retort and retaliate, as I saw my family do to each other and the justifications we lived in and as such as 'she did this because he/she did that', meaning that it was OK and perfectly normal to 'get back at someone' instead of seeing that this was our sick nature we accepted and allowed and turned into 'the way things are, the normality of our insanity', failing to see that whatever we do we do to ourselves, both the experience we create and the retaliation, which in fact qualifies us for doubly insane, and yet within all the signs of our insanity I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ' this is the way things are' and within the way things are, seek for my place in the world using whatever I learnt to position myself, no matter how damaging or the price I or others would have to pay for it, and for this I forgive myself 

to be continued...

Related articles

• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 165: On the take
• Day 135: Is self-intimacy beautiful?
• Day 112: Delving Into Acceptance Issues
• Day 164: After Death Communication - Part 13