Day 435: Deleting the 'Mean' from the 'Meaning of Consequence'

This is a follow up to my Post The Meaning in Consequence - link at the bottom.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live consequences as punishment, as required atonement, as someone else's idea of what I had to endure for what I had done, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that consequence just means an accumulation of a series of events that lead to a specific result

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create consequences for others when I believed they were getting out of a situation without 'footing the bill', because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that consequence meant a debt that was created and had to be repaid by myself or another, either through negative emotions or by public exposure

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did not put someone through their 'consequences' they would never 'learn' what they did and within this for filing a memory of my step grandmother rubbing the face of her puppies in their pee, so they would learn through 'consequences' that they should not pee around the house again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child, think and plot about how I could create consequences for my little cousin who I perceived was loved and always considered, while I perceived myself to not have part in the same experience in my home, by throwing his toys down the balcony and then blaming him so he may have 'to face consequences' as punishment, like I did all the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'he/she/they should not get away with this so lightly' and for wishing the punishment of people that I perceived had done something wrong, instead of questioning why we were trapped in a cycle of punishments for our miss-takes vs creating support to correct ourselves

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges as a way to bring about 'punishment' as 'consequence' for people I interacted with that I perceived did something wrong,  because I feared that if I didn't they would walk all over me and they would not respect me as someone they shouldn't be messing with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recreate the same pattern over and over again, without questioning it, with my mum because I made her the cause of this pattern in my mind and within this made her the one that should take back what she dished out to me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, no parents is born with a manual and they will repeat the mistakes of those that went before them until someone breaks the chain and stops the patterns in their tracks

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and live one and equal to that anger when I saw someone unwilling to live through the consequences I felt entitled to dish out for them, because it seemed unfair to me that I walked through consequences as punishment, as the guillotine, self inflicted by myself every time I made a mistake, using negative emotions as a form of punishment and leverage of my mistakes and within this for wanting others to do the same, to not skip gingerly the step of discomfort to move on to a solution without the 'atoning part' as in 'punishment' and within this for binding myself and others to punishment instead of the required support to see and correct our mistakes, without using negative emotions or positive feelings to move out of them but simply assessing reality, the potential damage and the correction required to be implemented in the moment to allow everyone, included myself to correct ourselves and move on

When and as I see myself about to judge someone/something so I can assess if what is happening is right or wrong according to my own ideas/beliefs/expectations or moral stance, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have no clue about what another is going through and why they are taking a specific stance and if I still see they made a miss-take, I check to make sure I am not reactive or embodying a specific personality and then, only then, if I can, move to assist another as myself in and as support

When and as I see myself about to engage the 'consequence construct', I stop, breathe, see in myself how I have scripted out my Sf and correction, look for points I may have missed if I feel the grip of the construct still has a hold on me and continue to investigate it and purify it until I stand absolute as support and not as a vigilante of my own and other people's actions

When and as I see myself projecting on another possible motives for their actions, I stop, breathe, take the projection back to myself and correct myself in the moment to not use another to take a distance from my own responsibility for the patterns I need to address and change within myself

I commit myself to design myself as a pillar of support, to delete all previous attachments I had to the word consequence as ideas, beliefs and memories and to walk myself into and as a punishment free-supportive stance for myself and all of existence Equal and One

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• Day 424: Self Judgement as Elitist Self Interest
• Consequences of a Negative Relationship to the Word 'Discipline': DAY 248
• Day 430: The MEANing in ConSequence
• Day 290: How You Can Stop Feeling Overwhelmed
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Day 430: The MEANing in ConSequence

(Missing blog  429 walked privately for now.)

I have already attempted this redefinition, recently though I found myself in a position where I saw clearly that I still have definitions attached to this word that do not mean what the word itself means and I act them out, which is unacceptable and not who I want to be.

Here is the dictionary definition of this word

1. a result or effect of some previous occurrence

2. an unpleasant result (esp in the phrase take the consequences)

3. (Logic) significance or importance: it's of no consequence; a man of consequence.

4. (Logic) logic

 a. a conclusion reached by reasoning

b. the conclusion of an argument

c. the relations between the conclusion and the premises of a valid argument

5. the relation between an effect and its cause

6. in consequence as a result

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

---

con•se•quence (ˈkɒn sɪˌkwɛns, -kwəns)

n.

1. the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier.

2. the conclusion reached by a line of reasoning; inference.

3. importance or significance: a matter of no consequence.

4. importance in rank or position; distinction: a man of consequence.

_______________________

When I looked this word up on the dictionary I was very surprised to not find its 'negative meaning' and wondered where did I get that, how did I place a negative charge on this word, so I looked it up in Italian and I found it has additional meanings where it is explicitly said 'effects, direct or indirect, usually of a negative nature' as in repercussions or negative result of something.

'Effetto diretto o indiretto, spesso negativo, di una situazione, vista come causa sicura o possibile: questo guaio è la c. della tua leggerezza; se la sono cavata senza gravi conseguenze'

I found out as well that we lack the last meaning of this word, we cannot say 'a man of consequence' because that wouldn't mean anything in Italian and that if I clean this word out of all the rubbish, it just means effect as in cause and effect, meaning what comes after a cause in a logical sequence of events.

My relatives always used the word Consequence to mean 'something negative will follow if you do this, you can't even imagine what's in store for you if you do this - meaning, what we will do to you', they used it as a threat, a warning, on occasion, when playing nice, a veiled way to say that something would be coming out of my actions and would not be good and mainly it would be coming FROM them.

When I was in SA and one day Leila read out loud an article on parenting about how parents were abusing this word to 'train their children through punishments they had replaced consequences with and how this screwed up in the child the whole concept of what a 'consequence' is' - I had a blip moment and could not compute.

I asked her to please give me an example and she did, she read the article that said 'you can tell your children that if they write on the wall there will not be chocolate cake', and I went, yes, wouldn't that be a consequence, like if you do this - that will happen?' and she said NO, the consequence is that the wall will be dirty and you will either have to live with it or clean it.

At the time this was a revelation in logic for me, a revolution in fact which left me quite pissed off as I pondered how many times I had been punished with the whimsical fantasies of my educators rather than shown what consequences really are, supported to see what I would have to face if I took a specific action and asked if I was willing to live out the 'obvious outsome', the con-sequence (which taking con as the Latin prefix meaning 'together with' it would mean the 'string of events' leading up to a specific result) and how I had attached a truckload of negative value to this word.

So, in a discussion with my buddy, what I saw is that I still live out this definition, that I believe that consequences are la -re -mise-en-place of someone who has gone off line, who has wandered out of a construct without permission and needs to be put back where they are supposed to be, put back in 'their place', obviously this treatment includes myself.

The way I have played out my consequences so far is by subjecting myself to self judgement as I have already written or to negative emotions, such as guilt, shame, self blame, something to remind myself that I was wrong, that I SHOULDN'T have done a specific thing and of course, as I do it to myself, I do it to others as well, when I reach a specific point of reaction something snaps into 'that's it, they should have seen it coming' meaning it's 'Their consequence, they created it for themselves' when in fact it is not, it is my punishment, consequence doesn't mean that if I am called names I have carte blanche to retaliate as a consequence, no, it means the other person will have to face their own self created consequences, their Dis-h-Onesty, where at a fork (H) they chose the Mind over Life and in the process they disempowered themselves a little further - and isn't that 'enough'- and should not be anything coming through a vigilante stance on my side as a punishment, where did I get this from, what kind of support would that be?

So, in my next blog I will redefine this word to something that works for myself and others because this way it's not working, this is how I have justified all the self abuse and the abuse of others as a consequence, which was a sequence yes, of my own participation in and as the mind and the living out of this word I have myself accepted and allowed to come to life in very specific ways, but it was a con as well, the con in the idea that as I have had to take con-sequences from others who themselves miss-understood this word, I could now apply to others the same punishing principle in the same way, when in fact this is not how and what this process is all about, acceptance of things as they have always been, nono, this process is about changing what I have been and done that was not aligned to the kind of world I would like to live in, even when I realize I don't yet know how to walk out of this word and my perception and embodiment of it but I will work it out as I go, as I rewrite it to break it down and turn it into a functional self supportive/supportive word for myself and all, Equal and One.

more to come  

 

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Day 396: Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning

This is a follow up to my post
The Normalization of Spite and Malice

So, as I listened to the Eqafe interviews about Spite that advised to look for the time when we actually kick started this construct and how this was related to a moment in time with our parents, who might have opposed us for our greater good, while we perceived ourselves attacked as 'a personality system' and instead of pushing to move beyond our preprogrammed path, we moved into Spite as the revenge mechanism for a perceived attack one of the fail safe mechanism to safeguard ourselves as the Mind and its preprogramming.

I have very clear memories of how I dealt with my mum in Spite as I was growing up, precisely within this dynamic, which is why the Eqafe interviews are awesome, to say the least.

As I wrote before in previous posts, I lived a schizophrenic economic reality, with my wealthy grandparents -by comparison to where I lived everyday - and life in what we would call 'the projects' if we were in the USA, or council estate in the UK, where crime and violence was rife and chances for people to get out of there were pretty slim.

My mother was an educated woman, she wanted for me a better life than the one she was building for us working like a dog and bringing home extra work to do even in the evenings to make sure we would have more than enough to live comfortably, so she naturally pushed for the best education she could give me.

Here 2 events stick out in my mind of how my internal revolt against her started, one was when she screamed at me for the first time out of school and I got shit scared and felt a wave of pure hatred for her as a result of how I experienced myself in fear and humiliation, which of course called for revenge, another time that pops up is my teachers saying that I could have done more at school, praising my intelligence and condemning my lack of motivation - which was not a lack of motivation but my own way of getting back to my mother for what I perceived as her own wrongdoings, because at the time I did not have the tools to understand that those experiences within me were created by myself and no one else.

So I will start with these 2 points and see where we go from here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect a specific moment of fear that I felt as a kid, due to my mum raising her voice for the first time about some school assignments and to blame her for how vulnerable and shit scared I felt and within this for having made her the source and reason of my fear, the culprit of all that I experienced in that one moment which I was unable to define but in which I felt threatened, only to end up igniting the desire to seek revenge and make her pay for what I perceived she did to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that things could have never been the same 'after what she had done to me' meaning my experience of myself as threatened through which I concluded this was a woman I could never trust because look what she was capable of doing to me  and within that to desire to pay her back with the same currency, making her feel bad, scared, hopeless just like she had done to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek the one point my mum was always pushing me about, which was education, to use it against her, convincing myself that I could upset her if I did not do well  in school, creating for myself a non achiever personality where I would make sure to do just enough to pass but never more, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that we had colluded on a point that was pushing me beyond my preprogramming, which was for me to never achieve anything, because this world was designed not for everyone to have the same choices and opportunities but for some to be left behind - or to be moved to leave themselves behind so they could form the base of the pyramid for others to step on all the way to the top

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my experience of myself in HK in a position of leadership caused me so much stress because I has stretched myself way beyond my preprogramming without letting go of the personality of underachiever which gave me the experience of always be thorn in two and never be safe and sound within the job I had built for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make Asia a special place in my mind due to how I felt myself expanding there, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I expanded because I removed myself from the place where I wanted to be less than I could be to spite my mother, making sure to create for her an endless loop of guilt for how I turned out way below her expectations based on my undeniable potential

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that, when I was spiteful in my mind toward my mother, I was in fact justified because of what she did that made me what I was, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that no one could ever make me but myself through my choices, acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to make my mum wrong so I could invalidate her and her stance of always preaching education and within this for developing a rebellious personality in spite, just to annoy her and to prove to her that I would never bend to her wishes for me to have a better life than the one she managed for herself, proving to myself that I have always and only spited myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why I expanded myself and my education when I moved to Asia was because I was away from the nefarious influence of my mother, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was due to me having made her into a nefarious character so I could hold on to my preprograming as intended, that I experienced her as limiting and as a pain in the ass, failing to see that it was never about what she stood for but what I stood against that defined our relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mum for how I experienced myself the first time she raised her voice and for having held on tenaciously to the memory of that moment as a moment that defined me and my life, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that memories are the blocks through which consciousness creates itself and that it is not optional to let them go but mandatory, to be able to change a pattern for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of my mother's perceived wrongdoings because then I could justify why I was spiteful to her and within this for feeling regret yesterday when she said that she experienced a rush of memories of things gone bad between her and myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that her memories are her responsibility and I cannot sort them out for her or redefine her relationship to them in her place but I can stand as a point of support to help her let them go within what she understands that is required of her to be able to bury the past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish that I had a different history with my mum, making my history with my mum a moment that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me and our relationship, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am the one that can redefine our relationship, no matter what happened in the past in recurring loops before I became aware of how I could walk a point into correction for myself and all of existence equal and one

When and as I see myself going into my mind or about to go into my mind in spite about my mum, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have walked this point in writing and look for the script that I am about to lay out on what to do should this moments come up again, until I can stand stable through them and no longer participate within this design of Spite

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my mum for how I experience myself or reacting at how I am experiencing myself after an interaction with my mum, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I accept to not sort out this point immediately reactions will turn into anger and then anger into blame until I will be into a full fledged possession from which I will be unable to stop and assess what is really going on with me, instead I take responsibility immediately for how I feel or what I have accepted myself to participate in within thought, release it through self forgiveness either within or our loud if the situation allows it and breathe myself back to stability

When and as I see myself thinking that I am entitled to a little spite in comparison to 'what she did, said or what I believe she thought', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to walk that pattern anymore, see, realize and understand that I may have to practice my non participation because so far I have only practiced my participation in and as spite and keep applying myself until not participating in Spite becomes one and equal to who I am

I commit myself to stop the existence of myself as the mind within spite within the relationship with my mum, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

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Day 394: The Normalization of Spite and Malice

I have now listened to the last two interviews about Spite because I want the whole context as I prepare to write to unravel this point.

As it was spelt out quite rightly in the interviews, most of us have gone beyond the phase to be obviously spiteful compared to our teenage years, this should come as a relief - or a worry, depending on how we look at it.

In my experience I still experience Spite internally, less  now with my mother than I used to, more in my personal relationship and occasionally, when given the chance, just about with anybody.

Why I see that it should 'worry' me more or in better words, give me more reasons to ponder about this point, is that I have considered myself a 'grown up' for not being openly spiteful anymore, instead of seeing I have just gone underground with it and justified it as 'not harming anyone' and basically 'my right', others should be lucky to have met me in the post openly spiteful phase plus, in this world, we can  take a breath of Relief since Spite has just become Normal - some of the articles linked at the bottom can prove it.

I have in my own way 'normalized' Spite, I know because I heard my mother 2 days ago saying just that after she put  down one of her ex friends calling her 'a pathetic shrunk up raisin who has no joy in her life', and then she added, at least I am honest about what I think plus it's normal to have those kinds of thoughts when you have issues with someone, at which point an alarm bell went off.

I could almost immediately recognize this pattern within myself without resistance, including the delusion of being honest for speaking my mind, boy have I done damages with that, when in fact the speaking or writing our minds out, given the content of them nowadays, should be a personal process and should be followed by a commitment to correction or, not shared at all in the clear understanding that we don't need anymore ranting and raving in a world of ranting and raving with no solutions, we need solutions, we need to bring points to a place where there is equally no more harm done to ourselves and others.

Plus, if this 'hint' was not enough to see I have to take on this point about which I had quite a realization when I listened to the interview, I can always watch my World Screen, the High Definition place where I project what I have to correct within me and SPITE is high on the list these days.

Want a confirmation: Putin ousted from the G8, the big dicks club of the World according to their economical weight on the playfield but I will be telling more on my Economics and Social Issues Blog in my next post.

When I believe that Spite is my Birthright just because everyone does it, there is something wrong with me and with this world equally, the fact that we externalized the internal workings of our minds on screens in Hollywood through the Ally Mc Beal series, to name just one,  in which everyone could recognize themselves and take a sight of relief that we finally outed the cat from the bag and shared that we are in no way equalized inside and out and are, to say the least and until we correct ourselves, very untrustworthy human beings, should be a point of concern and not a point of relief, unless we intended to normalize what we are up to in our secret minds and make it OK, versus working to change it once and for all.

It doesn't matter that no one knows what is going on inside of me, that it is secret, the same right to secrecy we advocate in the outside world because more often than not we are involved in things that if they should be know, would bring the carefully crafted house of cards of our 'good loooking' personalities come crashing down, there is no place we can hide ourselves from ourselves.

So, in my next posts I will open up SPITE as a construct and its relationship for me that I could hear clearly in the interviews and that starts with some emotional reaction for which I have not taken responsibility which leads to rage that I then blame on someone and make them guilty for and then how, in spite, I go on a commentary in my secret mind,  about what I can do to show them/make them feel the same way, belittle, ostracize whatever it will take to even out the score I am the only one responsible for creating in the first place. Quite Insane to say the least.

So, for more on Spite and how to give it up for good, I will do some blogs applying self forgiveness on memories of constructs I have taken on and what I have done in the name of Spite, always ending up just spiting myself at the end.

Related articles

• Day 515: Why Are we Here on Earth? Free Will and Spitefulness - Part 2
• Day 520: Why Are we Here on Earth? - Role of Death - Part 7
• Day 183 - Spite the Spite
• Day 391: Me as the World Systems - The Judicial System
• Spite Houses: 12 Structures Built Just to Annoy People
• Psychologists are finally taking a long, hard look at spite
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Day 383: Purging in BED - The Illusion of Control

If you come from a family with eating disorders or from a culture that worships food and has historically considered purging as the way to go to manage excesses, you may, like me, never have considered that there is a point of desire to be in control in 'purging' like there is in anorexia or bulimia that manifests in different ways.

My personal experience with purging is mainly one of relief, I never considered the point of 'control' until I was looking for a picture for this blog and found the one I posted above.

But what was the sense of relief always about? Relief from the physical discomfort, this would be for sure one, but there was a relief as well from the sense of being out of control, overcome by a pattern that is unstoppable, having boarded a train whose destination has to be the toilet bowl, that is the end of the line if you can't get off the train sooner, not even by jumping out of the window.

Today as I listened to one of the amazing Eqafe interviews, specifically the one about Spite, I was overcome with emotion as that interview spelled out the story of my life and my childhood, I will write extensively about it from my next blog, but I saw how this behavior as well ties into it nicely, I took on the excesses of my grandparents to spite my mother, without realizing she had done the same, so I made a copy of the spite system and then activated my own - and then went on to blame others for what I saw as a copycat behavior I assumed I was given and not saw I had taken on partly without awareness and partly deliberately.

So, letting now go of the past shame for this self abuse and the perception that then became a belief that I would never be able to get off my family train, whom I blamed for having made a BED for me to Lie in it, when this in fact was never the case.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as out of control regarding food and for accepting eating disorders as who I am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that food is both a joy and a threat and as such condemn myself to never have a pragmatic relationship to food as just the fuel for my body but allowed myself to base my food choices on emotions, feelings, memories projections and expectations while seeking good positive experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of our delusions regarding matters of the world and the mind within food addictions and for desiring to blame another for my own self accepted and self created patterns, instead of seeking a solution that would end this pattern with me -for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear taking on this pattern because it seemed too extensive, too big, impossible to dismantle, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was facing resistance from my mind that feared to lose one of my major energy and personality construct as the deranged addict to excesses

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the part I played in the creation of this eating disorder as a way to spite my mother, who herself suffered from an eating disorder but did everything in her power to not make me follow in her footsteps including pushing me to do exercise and eat healthily, solutions that just ended up compounding my sense of being abused and violated and reinforced my desire to rebel and spite her back by embracing her eating disorder as my own

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that an eating disorder is nothing more than a dis-order, in which something misaligned in my mind and then was reinforced through justifications and excuses to prove why I was allowed to abuse myself to spite my mother -and make her suffer from guilt and shame in the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disheartened as I wrote this within the realization that I played the victim when I was in fact the perpetrator of behaviors I knew would inflict  anguish on my mother to get back at her for pushing me to get the best for myself in this life, which I did not, so I could show her that she had ruined my life and she should be responsible for me forever instead of stopping my self destructive pattern and become a point of stability for myself and others, equal and one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid as I wrote this out because I perceived a momentum of release of energy and patterns that made my heart beat faster fearing that I may not be able to get to the bottom of it and release this system completely in one go, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I'm not in a race and that I can stabilize myself in any point while dismantling a pattern to take it on again when  the point opens up further either through my own investigation or as a consequence of the words I am writing now

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when indulging in binge eating, not stop as soon as I saw I was walking the same pattern over and over again but instead project myself already at the purging point as the solution, as my point of control, reassuring myself that I was in control because there it was, purging as the solution, instead of taking a stand and push against a behavior I had now automated  to its completion to the satisfaction of myself as the mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hang on to fantasies of myself as a balanced woman with a healthy relationship with food because within these fantasies I separated myself from the solution, accepting and allowing myself to believe that the solution was out there somewhere in the future and that it would come naturally to me, instead of actively working toward the solution until the solution was one and equal to who I am as a balanced woman within a pragmatic approach to food as simply nutrition for my body

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed regarding my lack of control in relation to this food pattern and to live in fear that I could always be attacked by one of my patterns and then I would have to live it out all the way to the toilet bowl and within this for standing inferior to my mind accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself instead of standing one and equal to myself as the mind and correcting myself and my patterns equal and one to a solution to end all self abuse

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to carry such a weight on the top of my shoulders made of guilt and shame and regret for what I have become and for what I have participated within and as me, as spite that culminated into self abuse that took the form of a BED instead of releasing myself from my past and releasing all the other people involved with me in keeping this pattern alive by rewriting for myself a script I can live out when and as I activate one of those BED patterns until I come to the total deletion of them once and for all

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into that mental space where I know I exist as a binge eating disorder I stop, breathe, remind myself that I clearly saw the origin of this pattern and therefore I can't fool myself any longer, instead I seek where is the point of anger that made me wish to become spiteful toward another and that I am now attempting to turn on myself,  work on the emotional content to release myself and do not give in to BED as a solution  to suppress my emotions

When and as I see myself become angry at someone for something I perceive they have done, said, not done or not said to me, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I cannot afford to go down that route because I have turned spite into an art form that I yet have to work on to release myself from, instead I take out a piece of paper and make a note of my perceived received wrongdoing to work on it to a solution as soon as I have the opportunity

When and as I see myself in a conversation with my mother reacting to something like I did the other day, I stop, breathe, do not allow that point to fester into anger which will then in turn fester into spite, instead I commit to not engage any thoughts about it but to flag the point so I can work on it when I have the opportunity once the conversation with her is over

I commit myself to no longer use food as a way to spite myself and others

I commit myself to forgive myself and others unconditionally for everything that comes up within me that is related to this specific pattern

I commit myself to let go of food as a positive experience to re balance my perceived negative experiences of and as myself and to work to resolve the negative experiences into a solution that ends my participation within and as them

I commit myself to support my body one and equal with me in relation to food and when I see, sense, perceive that I am about to not stand by my commitment, to not do anything that would compromise me and lead me to walk my previous patterns but to stabilize myself within and as breath until I can further investigate what is going on and bring it to a solution once and for all

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Day 323: IMAGINE a World that Works for All....

There are so many things that are not working in this world that can go back to one single point: our unwillingness to give to Each Other what we would like for ourselves.

Today I am writing about this point so I can see for myself the WHY, because apparently there is no common sensically WHY to not doing the One Thing that would bring to the world everything we say we want: Peace, Harmony, Brotherhood, the possibility to trust each other unconditionally, love as a living expression of who we are, we could be living in Heaven for real if we gave to all living beings, the Earth included, the same consideration we want and desire for ourselves.

In a way it seems too easy to beat the drum of greed and self interest, honestly, where is the self interest in creating a world such as this, even the rich don't have it good because as they cleverly go about to pass Laws that allow them to pollute and destroy, Here they are, sharing the same broken planet, they just have more money to move from one apparent consequence-free-space to another but that's about it, I don't believe anyone is truly happy on this Earth at the moment, this is why we created Positivity, Love and Light and Positive Thinking, isn't it?

What was the big selling point of Positivity if we were not living crappy realities inside ourselves at all times, who would go and buy the energetic experience of 'feeling better' if they were not feeling BAD before?

So why don't we talk about HOW BAD we feel most of the time for this Creation we have manifested and brought about, that leaves out of the game 1/3 of the population that can't raise their head above the poverty line to take a breath, to have one moment in their Life where this exercise in futility, that we call existence, could make sense beyond having to survive just another day.

So, today I want to look at one point that I see connected to this and that I know many may unconsciously or subconsciously share, which hit home once when I saw a video called 'God Loves Self Abuse' and that was brought home again when, during my explanation of Equal Money as a different way to conceive the world and ourselves to a friend, he told me 'we'll have to see if we can believe that we deserve it'.

So, there goes the Truth, we believe we don't deserve anything better than what we have got, maybe this is why we indulge in Self Abuse, that's a path we can walk to infinity (although I am under the impression we can't go much further), the point of Self Abuse is everywhere, we have a whole world where people fight for their right to Self Abuse, be that through alcohol, drugs or porn, none of these things are supportive in any way to either the Human Body or Mind, but we fight nail and tooth to prevent someone regulating our self abuse (and not for a world that works for all), obviously we have not yet got enough or we have come to believe that we will never be able to move beyond our weaknesses and addictions  and therefore, we want the world to stand as the pusher, as the provider of the tools that we choose with which we can abuse ourselves, believing that this is as good as it gets and since we are wasted as Humanity, we can waste away without regrets.

So as this point that this could be as good as it gets, resonates through me, that we may NOT be deserving of a better world, it may be possible that millions out there share the same inability to let go of what they have done and who they have been and stand within the resignation that we the Creator of such a world, should endure it all the way to its destruction.

Maybe then, one point that we need to dig out, each one for ourselves, specifically those claiming Spirituality and their desire for a better world, would be 'can we move past our self hatred for what is best for All?' Can we stop the righteousness of seeking the punishment we believe we deserve for what we have done, can we forgive ourselves and our Creation at large, so that we can re-create ourselves and the kind of world which would give us everything we say we seek, including the respect for our participation no longer in a Game of (Self) Destruction and Death but in the Business of Life, where we all become shareholders of an Idea that has not yet come to be, just because we could not overcome the self disgust for what we have done when we sold out Life for Money and in our denial come back again and again to pretend to be alive and live on as memories of those that came before us.

So, let's redefine Earth as this planet we created as a Correctional Facility, we are all InMates, we are Here to experience on our skin what happens when we DO NOT apply the principle of considering Everything that exists as Equally valuable as ourselves, it's a huge responsibility to consider all parts of the system to work in harmony and have everything they need to thrive, this is why the call is for all of us, if each one stands as one point of Absolute Consideration for the Whole, then we'll have Heaven on Earth, so then the ultimate question is, is Self Responsibility really worse than Hell?

What about trying it out, we did Hell, look how it turned out, we could do Heaven for a change and see how we like it and if we don't, no worries, we have the blueprints for Hell, Hell is where 'I' do only what is best for me in separation from the Whole as One, the Micro and the Macro are showing us the workings of self interest in separation, look at the Corporations, Governments, check out all the systems that have abandoned the principle of What is Best for All and see what came out of it, then let's bring this back to each one of us, where am I behaving like a ruthless Corporation so that I can Profit from others and see how can I correct myself, where are my secret agendas, secret governments, secret desires and how can I let them go, how can I integrate the principle of 'Give as you would like to receive' in everything I do, how can I make this principle practical, liveable, something I can apply in every area of my Life?

Do I need the 10 commandments to tell me what not to do, do I need Ramadan to remind myself what I should be doing or not doing, do I need my mother, the Law, the traffic warden or can I stand and see by myself in every moment what needs to be done because I can include all points involved into consideration and then walk the solution that includes me as All/The Whole?

This is for us to decide, if we can stand and we can prove that we stand as a Principle and not as a Prop, the jail gates will unlock and we may share the bounty of this creation beyond anything we have ever imagined, Life is wasting while we wait, so let's not waste our Breaths and Time with Self Hatred, yes we fucked up royally, this is undeniable, can we stop, can we correct it, can we fix it?

Then let's do so, because self hatred is the most insidious of all self interest as we bask in the idea of being punished has having 'done enough', look I was wrong AND Punished, have done my part thankyouverymuch, when in fact Standing Punished is Just Another Game to avoid our responsibility, what if we stood Corrected instead?

Find support to walk your self correction and stop the Self Hatred and Self Punishment Here

A better world starts with a Basic Income Guaranteed, because no one should go hungry, thirsty, homeless, desperate, without support, it is our response-ability to take care of each other and All Living Beings, because I can only get what I am willing to give and Love will begin with the practical giving of Love to All as the upliftment of All Existence from Misery, at last.

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Day 317: Intimate Relationship = My Cup Runneth over with Paranoia

Nothing in my life, apart from Money, has the ability to set me off on Paranoia trips like relationships. The 'Intimate' ones are the best, because in those I have conveyed the fears and the Paranoia of all those that came before me and wanted to stand as an example of what life should be about, a game of winning and losing where the Fear of losing stands as the engine that pushes one to want to win, to desire to win because the alternative is the loss of things that didn't have any value until someone said, implied or in other ways delivered the concept that they in fact mattered.

So, my relationships have been plagued by Paranoias of all sorts, the most relevant ones are:

fear of loss

fear of judgement

fear of being ridiculed

fear of what others may think about me/about the relationship

fear of expressing myself sexually

fear of talking about sex,

fear of having sex too soon, too late, in a too remissive way, in a too agressive way

fear that I may not even understand what expressing mySelf sexually means as I have internalized the sexual interpretation of others, from advertisement to movies, books, stories and now I am just a broken recorder, playing out what I believe to be my preferences when all the while I am living someone else's preferences and I have not even noticed

fear of sharing my fears

fear of loss of face, which is just the fear of losing ground, of not being able to uphold an image of myself, the one through which I entered the relationship

fear of losing out/missing out on the better chances to come

fear of commitment

fear of a relationship outside of a commitment

fear of not being able to understand what a commitment is and how I should evaluate if entering a relationship that seems best is just best for me and when extending this best to another, fear that I may not be considering if this is best in the long run for both, for all

fear of not even being able to consider another in my assesment, let alone the Whole

fear of being jailed into a commitment

fear that if I commit I can never move on with 'The One' when he will finally come

fear that if I commit I can no longer play the game of keeping some men on the backburner for when I decide to move onto them as a replacement

fear of being used

fear of using others

fear of consequences

fear of being pregnant

fear of being bored

fear of being boring

fear of being obnoxious, a drag, a party pooper

fear of not being attractive enough

fear of comparison with other women who are more atractive than me

fear of losing out on his interest, that he may be more interested/attracted to another woman

fear that he is not interested if he is not jealous

fear that I will keep playing the games I learnt that are about 'winning' because they make me feel good about myself

fear of playing out my relationships based on my fears

fear of unraveling all of my fears because then what is left is the self interest that motivates my moves to ensure that I win at all times

fear that if I do tackle the relationship point, then relationship will become MEAN-ing-Less and I won't know how to relate or move inside one without all my previously carefully crafted guidelines

from tomorrow I will look into each fear to find where they originated from and how I turned my life as relationship into a paranoia parade

Related articles

• Day 398: The Lovey Paranoia
• Day 384 Journey to Life Facing my Paranoia in a Live Situation
• Day 395: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part One
• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two
• Day 401: Thinking is for Losers
• Day 313 - Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
• Day 400: The Paranoia of Intent
• Day 411: GPS: the Global Paranoia System Reaches Turkey