Day 371: Do I 'Mind'? Yes, unfortunately 'I Still Do Mind'...

I have been off my Mind Blogs for sometime now, mainly because I have not made the effort to overcome what was going on in my private life to find the Time to go back to self support as writing.

It would seem quite idiotic to not do the one thing that could effectively support me through this time of transition, but hei, this is the nature of me as The Mind, all about survival and no brains at all, no brains of the kind that helps to sort things out, this is why we remind to each other to go back to writing, when we don't we risk to be sucked back into Mind games, we risk self diminishment, self judgement, we risk to participate in meaningless tirades about who we have been, what we have done and everything we have participated in that we are not so proud of after all, instead of taking the time to just delete and move on, using the tools I have learnt with Desteni.

So, in this first blog returning from the Depth of Minding my own businesses, I will start with clearing the perception of myself as someone who shouldn't be entitled to write at all, because I have married many different causes before and I have seen me, as the Mind, using this specific point to belittle myself, to make sure that I won't have the balls to stand up because I shouldn't, because I have been a spokeperson for too many theories and belief system that I should have the decency to just shut up.

Instead, I won't. I will never shut up again, I have had many lives, none of which worth of any note because they were all targeting one point, my self fool-fillment and not seeking solutions to realign myself so that I can be one point that starts to broadcast Me as the World I want to live in.

Here is my self forgiveness on this specific point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to intimidate myself and bully myself about having lost the right to self expression due to the many causes and belief system I have been a spoke person for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could lose credibility if I stood up for Change because of my past and the past lives I have lived as a tarot reader, crystal healer, positive thinker and Abraham Hicks supporter, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that what I participated in doesn't define me unless I accept myself to be defined by it as who I am vs realizing that what I participated in was a quest to seek the truth about this creation and why I am here and in no way diminishes my ability to stand up and say I got it all wrong and I am now ready to realign and walk a process of real self change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to speak up, write blogs and share my new stance about existence and my role within it, I would be ridiculed and be told 'give it up already' instead of seeing realizing and understanding I have always feared my own self judgement about what I participated in for self aggrandizement and not the judgement of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when seeing the name of my ex pop up on Skype, go into an anxiety about 'what if he reads what I write and then goes on to tell others that I am now involved with this 'new cult' and that I haven't changed because I am still at it, talking about ways to change myself when everyone knows that 'people don't change''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think and speak the words 'People dont/never change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest value in my 'ex husband' opinion of me as more valuable than what I am doing to change myself and for accepting and allowing myself to freeze at the idea of him rolling his eyes in contempt about the fact that what I am doing is 'unscientific, not proven to work and is just an idea in my head - not unlike the many others I pursued before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play out in my mind the distress I would feel if such an event would take place instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just my own self indulged creation coming to bite me back and that I can correct this imagination point by deleting it and no longer allowing myself to participate within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared at the idea that I have compromised my ability to share with others in common sense because I have participated in a lot of activities that lacked common sensical investigation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am walking the consequences of my unaware participation in reality and that I can correct this point by standing unwavering accumulating common sensical points until common sense is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my lack of participation in writing due to what was going on in my private life, as adjusting to a relationship that turned out to be way more demanding than I first 'thought' when I did not evaluate all the points I would have to be involved with to support this person, until he can speak Italian properly and move independently without my help

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and filled with resentment because I accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship choice based on a nice solid ass, which is not much of a point one can base a relationship on, and for then facing the fact that I can't walk away as I have always done blaming him for not being able to keep up the pace of words with me, because I knew this point would need time and for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated at the amount of time this process is taking instead of seeing and realizing that learning a language is a time based process as one accumulates words and understanding and that it was my own ass-based assumptions that made it into something else before I entered the relationship, so I would not have to consider the time point which would have been a minus while I was wanting to collect only pluses to go and live out this relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself and then bully others because I did not take the time to unbully myself in writing to avoid passing on my self abuse in the form of abuse to others

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up points about my past participation as a way from preventing myself from writing out my mind and what is going on within me, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is just a form of self sabotage and that I have the choice to not participate and move to writing myself out instead

When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear the judgement of others about my current participation -yet again- within a cult-ish group, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing cult-ish about Desteni but the label someone attached to it as a form of prevention from having to face ourselves as The Mind and keep on walking my process in self support for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming impatient with my partner because he doesn't master words at the speed I do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there are many other ways in which he is supporting me and that I am singling out this point of words as an excuse to bully him and belittle him when I accept and allow myself to bully and belittle myself, so I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, do not accept to speak words in reaction that are not supportive and are creating consequences in mine and his life and instead offer the support required to him to be able to master this language in the time it will take - that cannot be set by my ideas or opinions about it in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself desiring to blame him for my lack of participation within process, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that this is in fact self Dis'One-est as it has never been his fault if I faded away but my own responsibility to not give in to the Mind in self doubt and self judgement until I had to push to stand up again and keep walking

I commit to no longer suppress what is going on within me to the point of accumulation but instead to support myself through writings, SF and SCA until I can stand stable to keep walking my process with my group as the seed of the Humanity that will come, One and Equal, until it's done

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Day 351: Intimate Relationships - The Dwelling of My Paranoia

We are reconsidering the Paranoia topic for a week.

Last night we had a look at the Paranoia Design. I wish I saw that 20 years ago because it would have saved me much grief in my personal/intimate relationships.

Basically, Paranoia is a consequence of our participation in and as the Mind, as such everything counts, the little reactions one brushes off as insignificant or even worse, as justified, the thoughts, the memories, everything that has an energetic value that is not accounted for and directed will accumulate and finally land one into an Alternate Reality, from which the story doesn't end, from the Alternate Reality as in a whole Made up World of assumptions and con-clusions one keeps feeding the design until the bubble bursts, usually in my experience, wreking absolutely uncalled-for havoc.

I was extensively paranoid when I smoked pot, that was the time when my habit of doing the above bled over into every facet of my existence and ended up into me losing the relationship with my best friend due to this specific behavioral pattern, because of accumulating things I believed she did, said, thought, which I viewed through specific intentions and I kept going until all hell broke loose.

Interestingly, even as I was doing that I had somewhat an awareness that 'I' was the problem, for me it was quite easy because having accepted myself as a pot addict, my whole life was continuosly in question, my choices were questionable, my thoughtts were questionable and then finally my memory became questionable until I could not trust my mind at all -ever and I perceived myself hostage of a creation I had no clue how I had created and how to stop, mostly it happened under my non-watch, one single step at the time further fucking myself into the depths of my delusions.

One of the things that I found really screwed me to the bone was isolation and solitude, those are places that only healthy well balanced people should go and visit and I was not one of those, I don't even know many of them either, isolation and solitude are actually the last resort of the Paranoid, the place where we go and pretend to thrive so we won't have to face the fact that we basically fucked up All our relationships, no matter how good we have become to justify the righteousness of our stand and ways.

So, for today topic I want to write about what happens to me in private/intimate relationships, specifically when 'the object of my affection' is not around, which might illustrate the design in more detail for others to see it as well.

It usually starts with everything cool, leveled comunication while some points are not disclosed just because they seem irrelevant or petty on my side, this as well comes from my experience with my mother's attempts at comunication which invariably led to lengthy moments of tension and my desire to run away and stop the river of meaningless words she would flood me with and that I had lost the ability to see for what they were, her attempt to reach out and right things between us, however she could.

It's a bit sad to write this now as even this point that led to me believing in how useless words are as effective tools to navigate the world was a point of sellf manipulation, which I used to not allow her to get close because I myself did not know how to fix all the water that had gone under our shared bridge and I didn't see how it would be possible that simple words could correct the consequences of our actions and participation as the relationship we lived, we had participated in extensive mutual diminishment and never corrected it, her clumsy attempts to straighten things out were always met by me with contempt, specifically when her speeches started with 'you know I love you very much'.

yes, right, this must be why you beat me, or threw me out of your house or told me I was a whore just because you couldn't find any other way to put me down - just keep your fucking loving to yourself all-right-y?

In this way words somehow lost credibility in my eyes and I decided I wouln't waste my time and my life in even trying to fix with words what was done with deeds, there was no way, they were no match.

I took on most of my mother's constructs, like the building up of energy in the form of anger, frustration, disappointment, I just changed the way I dealt with them because I didn't like her way, the incontinent way of leaking words continuously looking for resolutions that never came.

And so I embody the opposite, the aversion to communicating or even trying, the resistance to sitting down to elaborate a point with another beyond preconceived ideas and I am the most ineffective in my intimate relationship, where I always skip the 'what is going ons', 'where are you ats', 'what's your view on this', to make sure step by step that we understand each other, instead I leave extended period of silence go by, pretending everything is cool, trying to make everything go away by shushing away thoughts and reactions vs stopping and directing myself and them into A SOLUTION, into an agreement that doesn't leave space for backchats or doubts.

In my next blog I will write my Self forgiveness and corrective statements on this specific point.

Day 344: Is the Freedom We Seek Someone Else's Enslavement?

When I was a kid my mum told me that 'My Freedom ends where others freedom begins'.

It is very difficult to put the 'idea' of Freedom in writing unless I look at it from the perspective of what Is Not Freedom.

A particular point of my perception of lack of freedom rose up in the past few days, it went all the way into physical manifestation of discomfort, of constriction.

For a few days I resisted looking at this point because I could find good reasons why I was in fact really constricted and why really my freedom was under attack by unwelcome schedules and repetitions.

Of course complaining about it felt petty, since people who have in their belt 24 years of jail like Nelson Mandela told of how he managed to feel like a free man, proving that our perceived enslavement when we are not physically restricted in any way, and even when we are, is just a fabrication of our Mind.

Although one may note that there is a form on enslavement going on on our planet that goes way beyond the economic enslavement we have manifested, we are Prisoners of Our Own Minds, we are jailed within Ideas and Beliefs and Opinions about Others and the World, we are jailed by our own definitions of words such as 'Freedom' and what that meant to me until someone pushed for me the point of constriction until the bubble burst into memories as the blueprint of my feelings of constriction/encagement aka engagement to my own Mind.

I am a kid, forced into summer camp, usually an only, lonely child suddenly thrown into group dynamics, into kids as results of all sorts of households, little bullies who couldn't care less about Jesus and being good because they had already learnt that while good people go to heaven, the bad ones go everywhere, get everything and they were molding themselves to become successful world abusers.

So I withdrew into myself and waited for the time to go home.

Another memory, I am a kid, my mum left me with my cousins, they were all friends bar me, I was the last arrival, their mother always taking their side -my mother always taking other kids side, when is my fucking turn-, spent days sitting on the stairway to the road gate wishing my mother to walk through it, uplifting myself from the whole experience, creating a sort of waiting room inside myself where I am queuing up to go home, I know I will go home, it's just a matter of time, so I go through the motion, polite but to myself, mingle but never to the point of possible conflict, I am just doing time, until I will be Free again.

Another memory, rolling over in the big bed with my mum, I am about 13, she asks what's wrong and I say 'I want to be free', she asks me to define freedom - I realize I have no clue, I know I can't miss the chance to get My Freedom, she is willing to show me that I am Free and I am willing to show her I am not. I say 'I want to go for a walk', she said 'go', it was 10 in the evening, summertime, I get dressed and walk downstairs to the courtyard and then out of the gate, I'm out, but not free, because now I am worried about the limits of this Freedom, my mum didn't give me a curfew but it was in the air, there was an expectation that my walk should happen within a 'Reasonable' amount of time, so now I have 2 words undefined 'Freedom' and 'Reasonable', I walk fast, Not Feeling Free at all, feeling in fact tormented about how long can I stay out, what is the limit I am not supposed to cross because the limit was there, unspoken. I meet a friend of a friend and we start talking and walking together, by the time I return home my mother is in her pajamas out of the gate looking for me, my heart races, this is the end of my Freedom, the poor guy doesn't understand he says -'why are you so worried, I will explain everything' yeah, right, we get to the gate, he has a silly smile on his face and says 'don't worry ma'am, she was with me :)'...'and who the fuck are you??? Better move along boy' he stopped smiling and left, I instead crossed all the courtyard kicked in my ass by my mother, so long for Freedom...

So, there you go, enslaved to memories about perceived Lack of Freedom, a Slave of My Mind, so logically my best definition of Freedom is isolation, it's where nothing hijacks my mind, where I am in control and there aren't people pressing triggers here and there uninvited, like they were welcome to do so when they are Not, has been a hassle this life to keep it all together, I could have ended up crazy like my mother and if I didn't is because I didn't allow people to walk all over the minefield that I have become, their Freedom to do so end with my Freedom to not be done so and yet I missed the simplicity of sorting out my triggers as The Road to Freedom, because no one has power over us unless we accept it and allow it by NOT sorting ourselves out, which make us Enslaved and not Free, we are Never Free if we take thing personally or if we can be 'moved' by emotions and feelings to do or not do something.

We walk our lives not seeing this point and so others who have realized our big 'Freedom' chip-on-our-shoulders go to any length to Sell it to us, we have Freedom and Democracy, we have Freedom from Pain, Freedom Fighters, Freedom clothes, lifestyles, the Freedom of Choice, All those Freedoms are Lies because they are costing someone else their Freedom, their Lives and so it should have become obvious that That is not the Freedom we seek when we look for breakthroughs -from what?- or evasion -from where?-, it's ironic that we are willing to buy what we could give to ourselves for Free - but we don't.

Then How do we believe that the Freedom we are not willing to Grant to Ourselves for FREE, can be given to Us by those who Own the World and are not into the predicament to give it away for Free anytime soon, since it's a sellout product, and use ever imaginative ways to prove to us that we are Free and that we Can Buy More Freedom if we just Invest in It, or else that we are at risk to lose our Freedom, the one we fear to lose but that we know We Never Had, just to have someone go to jail for 24 years come out  and tell you that he was the Freest man he met, because he freed himself from his own fears, hatred, pettiness, spitefulness and stood up for a World that Would Work for All - but it didn't come True because the Freedom he hoped to teach others and give to All, can't be given, can't be bought, it's a Free Gift, you just must be willing for-giving it to Yourself and All Equally.
And that is the Only Enslavement-Free Freedom that Really Exists.

Day 291: Understanding & Facing Consequences

Facing Consequences

I have spent 5 days on and off with my ex, tension started only on day 4 when we comfortably slipped into old behavioral patterns of irritation and recrimination.

When he said 'it's so unpleasant talking to you' I brushed it off, but later when I shared this point with my buddy as I walked backwards those 5 days to see how I accumulated frustration that then blew up in a modest quarrel that I dragged over into the relationship with my mother, that point made me cry and then it made me sob uncontrollably.

Partly because it was like someone said 'I had not changed' but mostly because I believed it and felt the despair of how will I even walk out of that particular relationship. And it's just One point of the many to correct.

Then my buddy said 'understand you are walking consequences, breathe, bring yourself back here and if you need to cry, if the tears are there, do'. But they were not, they were exhausted at the first sobbing and thanks to one of the last interviews I listened to by Anu -which was specifically about Consequences and how to face them, I was not as scared about walking through them as I used to be.

I was still not clear about how I created those consequences as I still held a belief of consequences being like Karma, like a punishment, vs being just the consequential sequence of event that I set in motion through my participation in and as the mind.

So when my buddy said 'it is the result of yours and your ex's backchats about each other that has piled up over time into an energetic entity that now can take you over and throw you around, the penny finally dropped. Aaahhh, but of course, I had truckloads of backchats about my ex, that was when consequence became clear, I was riding the energetic pattern that I had woven for myself, one thought at the time, one suppressed emotion at the time, that was why at one point I found myself in familiar unpleasant ground, the energetic entity came up and I did not make the self directive decision to not participate, instead I wore the costume of the frustrated wife/ex wife Character offered and walked the well known path of 'who I had been/believed to be" within this specific relationship.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I realized I was living out a familiar pattern, instead of breathing and bringing myself back here and not allow myself to participate, move into thinking 'I have not changed' as the reason why I could not do anything different but ride the energetic experience of frustration and irritation because I gave in to the belief that I was not in control

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt frustrated and irritated, instead of realizing I was riding the consequences of what I had already built in the past through backchat and my participation in and as the mind, move into further backchat, creating additional consequences that I have laid out for myself to live in the future 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to live out everything and anything that comes up as consequence as a sort of punishment for what I have participated in, instead of just stopping my participation wherever I find myself along my self pre-designed, pre-woven path through breathing and stabilizing myself in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the topic of some relationships being the ultimate test of self forgiveness to keep for later in my process came up in my private chat with B&S, to flash the memory of Anu speaking about how we were engineered to mate with people with whom we would have the maximum friction for energy creation and within that thought/memory to feel enraged at the idea that I have been a puppet designed to be used and triggered on and off to just serve a system I can't remember I have participated in creating

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move into self victimization about what happened to me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was waking the consequences of what I myself created through my own participation in and as the Mind which I am more than capable to face and transcend

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel enraged and saddened about this Creation and how far we took the abuse of each other, projecting my rage onto the Creators of such a cruel and sadistic system when in fact I was enraged with myself for having participated all the way up to here which is another point I have used to give up my power to stand up as I accept the idea and belief that something was done onto me vs me being the Creator of my life experience and everything that I experience within and as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my ex was here, sabotage myself by comparing myself and how I was treated in my relationship with how I perceived he treated his new partner and feeling belittled by the fact he seems to be doing better with her than he did with me - which is just an interpretation of my mind for the purpose of self diminishment by using a perception of being the victim of an injustice as I deliberately picked and mixed the good bits of what I saw and heard, discarding all the other parts such as outspoken backchats, judgements and the same stuff that was going on with me that I overlooked on purpose because acknowledging reality was not functional to my desire to be the victim of the situation nor having been a special part of his life, but just the same as his new partner and I rather be special and stand out in the experience of condescension than seeing myself as equal in dysfunctional treatment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up an idea about what process is and the kind of person that should result out of such a process, such as a 'holier than thou' personality, all accepting, all embracing, when in fact this idea clashes with this physical reality and what I will have to do to take on every single abuse and abusive stance both from myself and others which may mean I might not be nice at times as in 'system acceptable' and I must be Ok with this and I will be OK with this only if I don't make up ideas, beliefs and opinions about what some kind of character/personality resulting from process should be like, as that would end up standing in the way of who I must be in each and every moment of breath as self expression with only one purpose which is to realign myself to oneness and equality and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and hurt when my ex said 'it is so unpleasant talking to you' because I felt I should have been the one saying that and didn't and as I gave up a chance to hurt him when I had the right to, because he is REALLY unpleasant to talk to, instead of seeing and realizing I was taking our habitual pattern play out personally - believing that what he said was true just because I could use this point to engage my backchat about him being a real asshole and myself being right in an attempt to not feel diminished while I failed to see that I could have just noticed what he said, not take it personally and see that we were moving into the usual pattern of trying to score over one another and not participate, not in defeat as I did, but as a choice I exercised as self directive principle of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he left -even though I saw I should not have called my mother because I was in a reactive state, to call anyway, sure that she would provide a reason for me to be 'rightly' upset, which she did, and for then making her the source of my irritation as I wanted to dismiss and brush off what happened with my ex in fear that I would tell myself 'I have not changed' just because I had a slip and within this for judging myself as bad and ineffective, attempting to invalidate everything I have done so far so I would have an excuse to why I can't change since I proved that I did not change instead of acknowledging I have changed and had a slip and it's enough to stand up from here, self correct and keep walking

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe the feedback of someone who told me I should see my ex to test my application, when in fact I did not want to see my ex but this feedback matched  my belief of the kind of person I should build myself to be, all loving, all accepting, all embracing which is just another character, the 'post process Character' which is but another limitation and definition of myself as I should be/become, that stands in the way of me being here and self expressing in self trust in every moment of breath

When and as I See myself moving or about to move into self judgement about where I am in my process of self correction, I stop, breathe, do not accept myself to cast sentences on me as the ties that I will have to work through as ConSequences of what I accept and allow myself to define myself as

When and as I See myself moving or about to move into despair because I want to give in to  the belief that I have not changed and hence I should give up, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to give into despair as that is just an attempt of me as the mind to  make me believe I can't change and I have to give up and I do not accept or allow me as the mind to dictate who I am and what I can or can't do

When and as I see myself facing the consequences of what I have created through my participation in back chats, thoughts, emotions and feeling, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am just walking through consequences and that I can remain stable as it is not the consequences of what I live that determine/define who I am but I am the one that decides and I decide I can walk through consequence and use the consequences as an opportunity to self correct in and as the stability of breath

I commit myself to no longer fear facing the consequences of what I have created, to accept where I am unconditionally and commit myself to walk through everything that I created in misalignment as Ego and self interest to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All, for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• Waking up from the Consciousness Dream world: DAY 335
• Day 343: The Internet is the Global Mind (Part 2)
• Day 135 - Seeing the Reflection of Myself
• Day 314: Applied Behavior Analysis & the Process of Self-Forgiveness in Consequentially Affecting Positive Change

Day 252: My Near-Life Experiences

I have noticed that sometimes when I hop into my Mind it is because I don't have the patience to just be Here and Breathe. Breathing Here doesn't seem so much fun or so much of "an experience", nothing happens, I am just Here breathing, so what?

And yet this is how we were born, Here, Breathing, seemed good enough at birth to take our First Breath, we gasped for it, people around a new born get frantic when they are not breathing, no one tries to have them engaged in Mind Games, we get it, without Breath there is No Life.

So the idea of Breathing Here being Not Enough must be sold to us as we grow up to have us all participate in this system, we are sold the idea that Life is the buying of experiences for oneself, possibly the best available experiences, the most exclusive-not just any experience and we are kept 'buying' through the FEAR of the other kind of Experiences we could be having without Money, so we make sure we'll do whatever it takes to get our hands on the Money that will allow us to buy a Life of MEANingful experiences, this is what keeps the system of Consumerism going, we seek for experiences outside of ourselves to define ourselves, to give MEANing to Life, because we have made Life itself into nothing and into Not Enough and hence we have condemned ourselves to this search for Real Life into delusions of our Minds, mistaking Life for emotional experiences where we 'feel something' like we 'feel alive' because if we don't 'feel alive' we must be dead.

It's weird that we could believe such thing, because we are here, alive, breathing, but if being here breathing is Not Enough, if we made it not Enough, we then set out on an impossible search that at best leads to unhappiness and at worse to grave mental problems as we compare our Life experiences - that we mistook for life- with the ones advertised or trumpeted in Hollywood Movies or books written for the purpose to show us what life should be and why we should engage ourselves to make it one of Those ways, if we want to be successful and make it and basically, Be Alive.

So, one point I see for myself is how I seek the Mind to validate the point that I am Alive by giving myself something 'to feel' about, which is not relevant in which direction, even fear will do, all it's better than the Nothingness of Breath, when in fact it's me that defined Breath as Nothing and Life something I have to buy for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the Physical reality is boring and that spending time in my Mind is way more exciting than just living in and as Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to buy into Ideas and Believes about Life being the sum of my experiences and as such for living seeking for the next experience, planning the next experience, remembering the last experience I enjoyed, turning the here breathing into something boring, obnoxious, too slow to be bearable, when in my mind I could be racing into many different experiences at once, while in breath I would have to walk myself breath by breath into anything I set out to do in and as the physical and I believed I didn't have the patience for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't have the patience to Breathe and be Here in and as Breath, as that would mean I don't have the patience to be Alive and for accepting and allowing myself to define living as the experiences of me as the Mind of memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when walking and breathing think 'this is boring, this is not enough' and then give myself license to get off into my mind to just entertain myself with planning future experiences, remembering past experiences, all the while accepting and allowing myself to believe that breathing Here is Not Enough, not good enough, not exciting enough, boring and for turning Life as Breath into a boring "activity" because there is no energetic experience for me to ride, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this is a process and that if it came 'natural' to me to just breathe and stop my participation in the Mind, I wouldn't be stuck in and as the Mind as the result of a process of accumulation of beliefs about what Life is as an energetic experience, and that I will have to live the patience to keep bringing myself back to breath in the face of the perception of being 'unnatural' to be out of my Mind, because I see realize and understand that I have always and only lived as the Mind and it will take time to accumulate breathing into who I am as stable self directive principle

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel discouraged because I only last a few breaths before some thought catches my attention and off I go, only to catch myself not breathing yet again and having to push myself back to breathing and out of the Mind just because the Mind is the place I am most familiar with and I dread having to walk away from my comfort zone and learn a new way to exist

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to buy for myself the experience of Life, which is what makes me feel unable to move when I don't have money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life is an experience I have to buy for myself and that if I can't buy for myself the experiences I have imagined were the ones I had to shoot for to give my life a meaning and a purpose, then I am not even alive but idle, waiting for the experiences I have defined as Life to manifest while I miss out on being here in Breath because I accepted and allowed myself to define Life as Breathing as Not Enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sell myself as Breath out for the purpose of gaining energy experiences in and as the Mind, where I could be the imaginary Characters of my own play, instead of walking consistently to build myself into Life in and as the Physical as the realignment to Oneness and Equality for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming fidgeting because 'I am just breathing', I stop, bring myself back into the physical, see realize and understand that this is a process and as it took me time to build myself into Characters in and as the Mind that feed off energetic charges, I will have to walk in time as Breath to be able to appreciate the simplicity of Life as Breath vs Life as Near Life experiences that were sold to me and I bought to make myself more than just Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into boredom, I see realize and understand it is me as the Mind seeking for an energetic experience and that I have a choice to not participate and validate the Mind as the Superior Experience vs Life Here in and as Breath and that it is the sum of these choices in which I will choose Life over the Mind that will build my stability as I keep bringing myself back here consistently until I am One and Equal to Breath

I commit myself to identify the points I have given power to as me as The Mind to take myself back from each one through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application until I can stand in and as the stability of Breath, for myself and All of Existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 198 - Day 5 - Forgetting the Breath
• Day 204 - Patience and the Breath - Day 11
• 163 - Miss Breath and Miss Opportunity
• Day 201 - We're All the Same - We All Breathe - Day 8
• Day 252: Awareness of the Law and God - ADC - Part 99

Day 245: Telling Stories Larger than Life - Character

When I was a kid I had a step grandfather whose storytelling would keep me so enthralled that I would disregard everyone's comments at the table of 'cut it out, stop exagerating', to which he would reply, "I am only making the story more interesting, more 'beautiful'"

One of the reason why I was taken by his storytelling was the HOW he changed stories to paint himself always heroic during the war or in his relationships, everything he did would be polished up or magnified, never made less, always made more and in turn himself More than he was.

This is the first memory that I have in connection to this Character that I played extensively.

The second memory that would be linked to this is of a time in my courtyard when I was reviewing and editing a moment I had lived, I was basically 'screenwriting' but backward, making myself play it all in the right way while saying the perfect flawless gobsmacking lines, the best lines of any interaction were always mine, I would steal them from everywhere, movies in which I registered a specific emotional content/charge, books where a sentence was just too good to be read just once, which is I guess why I developed the skill of listening in such detail, it was never to listen to others, it was to grab pieces of other peple's characters and make them mine, telling myself I 'could be that' and evoke the same emotion I felt when I heard the lines that were played out by others. Storytelling was a tool to 'move' people in my favour and was mainly based on the outcome I sought in terms of how I wanted others to perceive me, as the one always 'in charge'.

In charge, this words in Italian translates as "Incaricato", it would mean "assigned a role" and never in a million years, unless I translated it into English and then back again into Italian, I would have noticed the word 'charged' -caricato, which means both charged as electrically/energetically "charged" and "loaded".

This one of my Characters was one of the most uncomfortabe to play since I caught myself in my first editing, copying and pasting sequences in speficic orders to come out the winner, like all games, when you take away the surprise point, the game doesn't hold up as well, as tightly, which is one of the reasons why I always had troubles believing people that say "I don't know ' to anything or that insist they are not aware of a part they are playing.


Since I started walking with Desteni I have wondered if something in me was wrong from the start, meaning if something was not screwed as tight as it should have, like my head, because these leaks of awareness were always disturbing and still I don't know, maybe we all just "leak awareness" and instead of using our awareness to change or stop doing what we see clearly that we are doing, we suppress awareness every day a little more, we seek drugs and alchohol, basically anything that will help sort out the feeling that something is not right, I am not right, I am not even real, am I? Best to forget about it, play the part and then, if necessary, the storyline can always be edited and rescripted as if we lived it out 'right' instead of having extensively fucked up yet again.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of storytelling being more important than Life, larger than Life and for manipulating memories for the purpose of portraying myself as 'right' and 'more' in fear of being 'wrong' and 'less', I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I started to live to create a Character that could tell the stories of my life better than I could live them by being self honest, instead of stopping and not accepting myself to live as a Character for the purpose of story telling as Larger than Life and more important than self expressing and for believing that being liked and accepted by others was key to my well being and for this attempting or maneuvering to manipulate the opinion I imagined others held of me I forgive myself



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having the approval of others and molding the opinions of others of me into the perfect reflection I wanted shown back to me was important and that the opinion of others of me defined who I am, and for giving up my self expression to impress myself on others as an imaginary reflection of my own creation, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my self honesty as I aspired to create the perfect reflection of me imprinted in others, failing to see that it was not the projected image of me I needed to change, but myself in and as the physical to reach the perfection I aspired to and tried to reach through storytelling, and for failing to see, realize and understand that I spent my life working on a projection of me that was not real instead of realigning the Self that is real in and as the physical, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about the opinions others have of me, accepting and allowing myself to believe that what others think of me defines me, without seeing, realizing and understanding that what I thought others thought about me was MY creation and had nothing to do with others, and that I used others to project my own self judgements on them as their own creation and then make them responsible for how I experienced myself instead of correcting myself in and as the physical for real vs attempting to correct the image of myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others and then resent them for the creation of the imaginary projection of myself that I disliked and attempted to change through storytelling instead of changing my living expression to realign to the principle of 'not doing to others what I did not want done unto me' or to 'giving as I would like to receive'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed everytime I saw myself editing my life, because everytime I edited my life I lived a moment of conditional acceptance of myself and for not having accepted myself unconditionally for all that I had become so I could see clearly what I had to change instead of making up stories about having changed or about how changed I was, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not good enough, not interesting enough to just 'tell it like it is' and that I had to make up good stories about how in fact I was enough instead of addressing the point of why I came to accept and believe I was not good enough and as such create a Character that was 'better than me/more than me/larger than me' for any circumstance I lived in which I perceived I failed, did not do my best, didn't live up to what I knew I could live up to because it was easier than real change


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked about a story that involves me, instead of just 'telling it like it is' perceive myself moving into this StoryTeller Character, to embellish it, make it more fun, interesting so I can fulfill myself by having a bigger ovation, appreciation so I can feel alive and for separating myself from myself Here as Life in and as Breath seeking for myself as I missed out on Me having always been Here, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of playing this Character, not feel at ease or relaxed when I am asked to tell an event because I immediately move to turn any event into a 'story' to make reality bigger, better more interesting and within this, for making reality as the physical not good enough as I sought to enhance it in some ways, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a Character in which I feel physically constricted even in my movement as I stand into and as the Storyteller and for separating myself from the physical as me in search for more, in search for meaning, in search for a reason why I am even living, I forgive myself



When and as I see myself being asked a question and moving or about to move into the Storyteller character to find ways to enhance what I lived that didn't seem enough, good enough, interesting enough, I stop, breath, do not allow myself to step into this Character while I observe the triggers that made me desire to do so so I can at the first chance write them out and free myself from this role-playing once and for all


When and as I see myself about to tell a story and moving or about to move into my mind for screenwriting and editing, I stop, breathe, practice the tell it like it is beyond my fear that it won't be interesting enough, captivating enough, generating enough good reviews, practicing to not Role play until I can step out of this Character for good


When and as I see myself desiring to edit, screenwrite a story, even in the most apparently insignificant details, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have walked this Character and I wrote for myself instructions about how to move beyond the fear that my life may not be enough and then I just wak the script I rewrote for myself until telling it like it is become integrated in me as who I am


When and as I see myself having the thought that life is not enough in one of the many ways I found to let myself know that, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I fear losing is not Life but my ideas and definitions of what an interesting life should look like, be like and within this see realize and understand I have lived the most interesting life and yet I was never satisfied about it, because in the seeking I was never Here and in the Not Enoughness of my experience I lived as the not Enough-ness of me in separation from myself and for this I forgive myself



I commit myself to see realize and understand that Life in and as Breath is enough, that I am enough and that there is nothing More to seek, because in the seeking for More I make myself Less, until I exist no more


I commit myself to stabilize myself in and as Breath, in and as Myself realigning to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all as that is All I have ever been seeking for, the Oneness and Equality of Me with Existence as a Whole vs my existence as a Hole.


I commit myself to no longer live the Holeness of Existence and to walk the necessary steps to return myself to the Wholeness of Myself as Existence for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• 88 - seeking empowerment through desensitization 2
• Day 234: Who is Screwing with my Memories?

Day 207: Drunvalo Melchizedek, Help! I missed the 4th Dimensional Shift!!

"Drunvalo ended the lecture by saying, "It appears right now that the shift will take place, according to how everything is going, around the fall of 1998." Barbara Hand Clow who wrote the Pleadian Agenda thought it will happen byJune 21, 1998..."

Yesterday as I researched Spiritual Information to debunk I stumbled upon an article telling about Drunvalo Melchizedek detailed explanation about the shift about to occur.

Of course having been out of the Spiritual Movement for some time now, I assumed it was this coming shift, the one everyone has been talking about, the shift coming at the end of December 2012, according to the interpretation of Mayan Calendar and the end of Time.

It took me the whole article to understand this was a past prediction, this was "the other shift" we have had -apparently- on June 21, 1998, according to Barbara Hand Clow or in the fall of 1998 according to Drunvalo.

The details were staggering, and bold I should say, this man is fearless in his line of work.

When I was working I would feel anxiety just to promise a customer a delivery by a certain date, what if something went wrong, MAJOR loss of Face, if I could Not deliver my reputation would be ruined, I would be held accountable for what I said that did not take place, so the point was always to 'predict' a delivery with ample space for 'unless something unforeseen happens'.

This is NOT the case for the New Age Gurus, they go to amazing lenghts to detail not only when it will happen, but how, they give lists of events that will certainly take place for which we must prepare.

The point is not really about them, that is the business they are in, they are predictions machine, the point is about us, are we brain damaged ?

Since I was born I have seen a staggering amount of predictions that did NOT take place:

The first I remember were by Jehovah witnesses - an end of the world was expected by 1975 (I discovered many others were predicted before that date) until in 2007, having reached the level of Loss of Face one cannot push any further, it was announced that the end of the World was Unknown, see all the failed prediction dates in this Article

*************

End of the World Predictions

This list is embarassing to say the least, especially if you notice that many dates are very close, meaning one should have remember the previous failed date and wondered if ANY date could be believed at all after the previous one failed. Instead most of those preachers thrived before AND AFTER their failed predictions.

*****************

Vibrations/ Frequency Shifts

As the title said, the 4th has already taken place, it must have, people are now talking about the 5th Dimensional shift as if the 4th DID happen. I find this extraordinary as an aproach to Failure, beyond DENIAL, pretend that what you said it would happen, did happen, and blame the ones with lower frequency for not having ralized it, 'you did not see it', this is what I missed out according to Melchizedek

21st June 1998 - Fall 1998

"About five to six hours before the dimensional shift in consciousness, the process (which is usually tied to an axis shift) begins. Axis shifts and shifts in consciousness are usually tied together. In this case, the consciousness shift may happen before or after the axis shift. Usually they are simultaneous, and usually what happens in this period five or six hours before a dimensional shift is a visual phenomenon. This almost for certain will happen as 3rd and 4th dimension begin to interface, and our consciousness begins to move into 4th dimensional consciousness and 3rd dimensional consciousness begins to recede away. When that happens, synthetic manufactured objects which consist of materials which do not occur naturally on the Earth, begin to disappear over a wide gradient, depending what the materials are. They do not disappear all at once." but over a "five or six hour period.

The fact that objects start to disappear really starts to make people who do not understand what is happening go crazy.

There is another phenomenon that will probably happen. As the dimensional interface occurs, 4th dimensional objects may appear in th 3rd dimensional world. They will be objects that will not seem to fit in anywhere with colors that will boggle your mind. These objects will impact your mind in ways you cannot understand. Since gradual movement through the interface is desired, do not touch any of these objects (to touch one would pull you instantly and fully into the 4th dimension) or look at them. They are mesmerizing, and looking at them will pull you more rapidly into the 4th."

Now, since this piece says that we would experience both the disapperance of objects and the apperance of 4th dimensional objects, I wonder if it is in any way possible that I missed that out.

I am sure many of the clothes we wear today are partly sinthetic, even just in the stitches, that would have made for a lot of people having their clothes fall off, bras, home decorations, plastic bags and containers, toothbrushes, toilet brushes, everything that is synthetic, meaning unnatural, such as plastic, would have disappeared, those would be events hard to miss, don't you think?

And the appearence of brightly coloured objects from the 4th dimension, I would like to believe I would have noticed that, it's not your everyday event, yes, I am almost positive I would have.

the article goes on

"If you are calm and centered, you will be able to watch all of this for a time, but not for long. As soon as the magnetic field collapses, your field of view and vision will disappear and you will find yourself in a black void. The 3rd dimensional Earth, for all intents and purposes, will be gone for you. What happens to most people during this time is that they will fall asleep and start dreaming during this period, which lasts about three to four days."

I have checked the date on the calendar, 21st June 1998 , it was a Sunday, I was married to a Gnostic, who would have for sure NOT ascended according to my then judgement of his 'lower vibrational' state, he was very scientifically oriented and he would have been most interested in the apparition of objects from another dimension ..and would have quesioned the origin and try to work out the Hows of it. That did not happen, possibly he was not enlightened enough, but I was, I did not either fall asleep for 3 or 4 days, if I did my ex husband would have told me and if the theory that those less enlightened we leave behind, I should have woken up OUT of my marriage, which did not happen, I was there for a few more years infact, in this 3rd dimension.

Another point from the article

The Other Side

"As the 4th dimensional world comes into perception, light comes back again. You will find yourself in a world the likes of which you have never seen (although you have, but you will not remember it because your memory has been erased so many times before). It will feel like a brand new place. All the colors and shapes and the feel of everything will be new. You will be perceptively just like you were when you came into 3rd dimensional conscious- ness, except that you will be the same size you are now. There are a lot of things that are very similar from world to world - one of them is the idea of the holy trinity (mother-father-child). As you enter into this brand new place, although you won't understand anything, you are going to see two beings standing there - mom and dad; they are going to be very big compared to you. They are going to be about ten to sixteen feet tall. One will be male and one will be female. These beings have a bond with you and will guide and protect you during your early formative period in this world. These beings do not have the kind of attachment to you that parents on Earth might have had. From the very beginning, they know that you are part of the Creator and recognize your divine nature. You will appear just like you are now, though more than likely naked, since any synthetic clothing will not have made it through the shift."

 "They are going to be about ten to sixteen feet tall. One will be male and one will be female. "

Let's assume I have missed out on the disappearing objects and the appearing ones, and on my falling asleep for 3 to 4 days, about NOT having met my mother and father from the 4th Dimension I am positive, beings 10 to 16 feet tall you notice, and you remember as well, it's not like a disappearing toothbrush that you may be left wondering where you put it, so this seals the deal, I have not ascended to the 4th dimension, I was left behind.

But guess what, so was Melchizedek, here is a video from him in 2012 , and since I am NOT in the 4th Dimension, we have to assume he is not either, you have got to give it to him, this guy has balls!!  Unfortunately nothing he says is true, when he went underground for a few years he did so to erase from his followers the memory of his failed propecies and to come up with a Hell of an excuse, I would have, and given the boasting it may have taken him some years to fabricate one that could stand. 

Is he in bad faith? I don't know, he may believe his own lies as far as I know, that doesn't make the predictions any more real. Watch him fail the 2012 one,

The next question is, how are these people getting away with all of this? Why isn't anyone demanding accountability for what they say or why are they not left behind and forgotten, no longer taken seriously?

If I went to my baker everyday and he told me a few times that the bread would be there tomorrow, and it wouldn't be again and again, I would stop believing him and would no longer go to his shop.

When it comes to these guys instead, not only we don't drop them for good, we look for them, to hear the latest news AS IF they held any truth at all.

Why are we so easily duped into believing people who keep predicting things that do not take place in the physical and then justify them due to unforeseeable events that must have taken place?

If that is so, if they can't 'foresee' how can they predict anything? 

Why are we so keen to believe what they say even after they FAIL?

My perspective is that we  are just as responsible, come on, we want to believe the stories they tell, those stories are in fact our own hopes and dreams, the hope that we can vibrate the hell out of here, that we' are just required to stay focused on positivity and Love and that's all there is to it, the hopeful reunion with our real Parents, leaving behind the Pests of relatives and the bad relationships we have on earth. What a Dream!

Hear this, it's NOT going to happen, noone is going anywhere, we are stuck Here, together, until we sort this mess out.

And as far as predictions go, the only ones that have come true so far are Desteni's, pity they are not good, they said the world will become crazier, check, we'll have an increase in diseases and natural disasters at a level never seen before, check,  and that we are on our Way to World War III. That's right, you heard that well. You know why? because a war is required when all else fails to move the economy, and Wars work, there was always "a better time" after a War by comparison to before a War -and for some there was a Great time during the War as well, the ones that profit from it-, yes, because once you destroy everything, there is the need to rebuild, jobs are created and the world population is reduced, all Plus points of the Capitalist demented system.

Can that be changed? Only if we change the rules of the Economis game, that means we change how we handle resources and their distribution and we take the Profit motive out of the Equation. 

So, do as you please, move now or wait for the December failure, but remember, no one is going anywhere, we Created it, we have to fix it, it's gonna be up to All of us to stand for Change, and since it's a 1+1 process, the sooner you take Your Place of responsibiity within it all, the faster we'll move.

Enlightenment will be when we come back to Earth to take care of the Whole as Self, we come from Separation, we buit this world in separation, hence any idea that some will go and some will stay is just ridicolous per se, you didn't really believe 'thinking loving thoughts' would get you out of here, did you?

We are the Change that is required to be manifested, as we change, the Mirror will change with us as us, let's get on with it.

Related articles - first 6, human delusions and predictions to be debunked soon, not that it matters, another date and another story will be set soon, gotta make a living....

Find self support in the last 4 articles from Journey to Life, about what is REALLY going on and what we can do.

• Mer-Ka-Ba Activation: Experience Inter-dimensional Travel, Read Your Akashic Records, Shift to the 4th Dimension
• Sirian Message on 2012, Social, Economic and Physical Earth Changes.
• Sacred Geometry DNA Changes 2012 Mollecular Atom Consciousness - 4 October 2012
• Drunvalo Melchizedek 2012 & Beyond
• Coast to Coast: Drunvalo Melchizedek 2012 & Beyond
• Suzanne Lie -Trip To The Mothership - Part 12 - Mytre And Kepier - Part 7 - Releasing The Habit Of Time - 3 December 2012
• mIrror, mIrror of the mInd...: DAY 216
• The Angels and Demons of God as ENERGY: DAY 226
• Day 229: Thought at the Quantum Level - ADC - Part 76
• 2012: Dying to Ascend in Love and Light