I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked for my idea, opinion, suggestion and I offer one/some, to go into a reaction when my idea/opinion/suggestion is voted down for a few times as if that defined my idea/opinion/suggestion as worthless and as such 'me' as worthless - not good enough.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when what I offer in terms of ideas, opinions/ suggestions is not valued, considered as I have connected what my mind generates as characters and personality as valuable and as a measure of who I am and what my value/worth is
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when interacting with my ex h. specifically, react to the rejection of my ideas/opinions and suggestions as I take the rejections personally, as if there was something wrong with me for being unable to come up with the 'right' idea/ suggestion/opinion that can be valued and appreciated as I have connected what I come up with as Ideas/opinions/suggestions to who I really am and not just a product of my Mind as Characters/personality and as such - of no value
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I allow myself to be triggered into this specific well plaid out pattern, to bring up all the past times in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed off to prove that 'see, is is not me being unreasonable, it's HIM, he always does that to annoy me - and why the fuck does he even ask then - why can't he debate himself instead of seeking for reasons to debate 'me'?"
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with the Nth time pattern play out, to scan my memory for reasons to prove I am right and he is wrong, because I was going about my day without any reaction and THEN he came along and started this BS playout of asking me something just so he can say 'no, because', instead of seeing and realizing I am just reacting because I have layered and accumulated energy regarding this point and now as soon as the pattern starts I allow myself to board the not-so-merry go round to the end, until I can blame Him for how I feel about playing something out over and over again
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I see this pattern starting and having accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't stop it, simply because I AM RIGHT, to not stop and just tell myself I am no longer participating in this pattern and use breath to defuse the energy build up that comes up as a result of having played the same game over and over again instead of allowing myself to go with the flow because I can always excuse myself that 'I was not the one who started this' and as such I carry no responsibility for my participation - which is just an excuse to not stop participating because there is a pay back with making my ex h. wrong and myself right - which is the energy ride I get to experience, no matter if it feels good or bad, it's still better that not feeling anything at all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex h. for how repulsed I am at the idea of another relationship, making him responsible for my repulsion/revulsion vs looking at why I have created this veil of disgust toward relationship as a way to not face my fear of failure in relationship and myself as the problem within relationship, the one who has something wrong, a crazy slant for which I fear entering relationships in case I get all worked up all over again and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is something wrong/bad with me for how I have handled myself so far within relationships, instead of seeing and realizing I have never even been here, but just acting out characters and personalities that do not define who I am, unless I accept and allow this to be so
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to bury vast amounts of rage regarding my ex h. in separation from myself, not wanting to own up to them because I believed I couldn't, because I perceived him many times as better than me, calmer than me, handled points in a wiser manner than me, and since I was not therefore entitled to this anger against him, I just disowned it and used it as a lid to cover up the other stuff that lays as the fuel of my behavior within our relationship - and within this for holding on to rage for who I have been and what I accepted and allowed myself to become within my relationships with partners as a replica of what I witnessed and internalized within my family
to be continued
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when what I offer in terms of ideas, opinions/ suggestions is not valued, considered as I have connected what my mind generates as characters and personality as valuable and as a measure of who I am and what my value/worth is
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when interacting with my ex h. specifically, react to the rejection of my ideas/opinions and suggestions as I take the rejections personally, as if there was something wrong with me for being unable to come up with the 'right' idea/ suggestion/opinion that can be valued and appreciated as I have connected what I come up with as Ideas/opinions/suggestions to who I really am and not just a product of my Mind as Characters/personality and as such - of no value
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I allow myself to be triggered into this specific well plaid out pattern, to bring up all the past times in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed off to prove that 'see, is is not me being unreasonable, it's HIM, he always does that to annoy me - and why the fuck does he even ask then - why can't he debate himself instead of seeking for reasons to debate 'me'?"
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with the Nth time pattern play out, to scan my memory for reasons to prove I am right and he is wrong, because I was going about my day without any reaction and THEN he came along and started this BS playout of asking me something just so he can say 'no, because', instead of seeing and realizing I am just reacting because I have layered and accumulated energy regarding this point and now as soon as the pattern starts I allow myself to board the not-so-merry go round to the end, until I can blame Him for how I feel about playing something out over and over again
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I see this pattern starting and having accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't stop it, simply because I AM RIGHT, to not stop and just tell myself I am no longer participating in this pattern and use breath to defuse the energy build up that comes up as a result of having played the same game over and over again instead of allowing myself to go with the flow because I can always excuse myself that 'I was not the one who started this' and as such I carry no responsibility for my participation - which is just an excuse to not stop participating because there is a pay back with making my ex h. wrong and myself right - which is the energy ride I get to experience, no matter if it feels good or bad, it's still better that not feeling anything at all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex h. for how repulsed I am at the idea of another relationship, making him responsible for my repulsion/revulsion vs looking at why I have created this veil of disgust toward relationship as a way to not face my fear of failure in relationship and myself as the problem within relationship, the one who has something wrong, a crazy slant for which I fear entering relationships in case I get all worked up all over again and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is something wrong/bad with me for how I have handled myself so far within relationships, instead of seeing and realizing I have never even been here, but just acting out characters and personalities that do not define who I am, unless I accept and allow this to be so
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to bury vast amounts of rage regarding my ex h. in separation from myself, not wanting to own up to them because I believed I couldn't, because I perceived him many times as better than me, calmer than me, handled points in a wiser manner than me, and since I was not therefore entitled to this anger against him, I just disowned it and used it as a lid to cover up the other stuff that lays as the fuel of my behavior within our relationship - and within this for holding on to rage for who I have been and what I accepted and allowed myself to become within my relationships with partners as a replica of what I witnessed and internalized within my family
to be continued
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