Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership

It seemed romantic once. 

To think and say such things. Movies were full of them, the idea of ownership in and as Love, plus I come from a country where women are 'given away' in marriage, to symbolize the passage of ownership from father to husband. This was the reason why we didn't have a right to keep the maiden name either, because a property has to pass under the owner's name.

There are many things in our culture we don't even see, we just take them on board, they become normal, the exchange of the rings, the having the engagement ring given first, to say you have been booked, to emphasize that the process of ownership is underway, you are no longer free to fuck around basically, the engagement ring -engages a woman into a contract.

There are many other ways to say the same thing, I belong to you, will be yours forever, I won't be anybody else's but yours, it must be intended physically, because no one seems to have anything to say about the times they have sex with someone and think about someone else, so no one is after the ownership of someone else's mind, you can keep that one to yourself -have enough troubles with mine- so it's the ownership of the body, funny because everyone says how important the heart is, the soul is, and yet what we want to own of another is their body, we want to be sure no one else owns it, we put on it an exclusivity right, its safer, it makes us believe that it will last longer if one doesn't go around enjoying himself/herself with others least one gets to the point of comparison and we fall short on that.

So of course I have played this card many times, it goes with the 'I love yous' we say, its an extra flavour and dimension we add to it, we keep upping the stakes of the value we trade for a relationship, my love not enough? Have my body, take it, it's yours, forever.

When we take the time to look into our culture the ridiculousness of it all is impossible to miss, we make promises we can't keep, the body one is just one of many, how can we claim someone else's body or give away our own, where would we live then? How about when we go to work, do something not together, whose body is it then if not just mine and even during sex, whose body is it if not mine, if not me as the physical?

And yet we crave those declarations, they make us feel important, since we sold out everything, being owned by 'choice' seems not such a bad deal after all, I chose to give my body away...and how would that ever happen? HOW?

I have lived Love as ownership, trying to make people mine and be theirs, exchanging bodies on the meat market for value and a sense of security and ultimately, most important, to abdicate my responsibility for myself and give it to another, to the owner of my body, and then wondered why I lived like a Slave after choosing my Own Masters.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have memories of movies and books in which women said to a man 'I am yours' and to perceive an upliftement like if THAT was the point I should strive for, to be owned by someone, so since I did not own myself in full self responsibility, someone else would

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to own another so I could diminish the fear that I faced every time 'Love' came into the picture as something I had to now hang on to, feed, nurture and within this fear of losing what was never real I would create the desire to own someone so that the chances of losing them and the feelings I felt as positive feelings could last longer and be less threatened

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to own someone else and within this desire for ownership of another I forgive myself for supporting the whole master and slave relationship construct of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a high when I heard the words 'you are mine or I am yours' as if I had achieved something, as if owning someone of be owned added value to myself and the experience of myself because I was no longer alone and for fearing being alone to walk this physical experience believing I was not enough I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how good it would feel to hear the words 'you are mine - I am yours' as if that would be the arrival point of something, of love in its ultimate expression, without seeing realizing and understanding that anyone who wants to give themselves up in exchange for another is not whole and the foundation of such trade is fear and the belief of not being good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is whole until they find their twin soul, and for looking for my twin soul as an attempt to complete myself, to be appreciated, to be enough as I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would find him then I would experience myself differently and within this abdicating the responsibility of how I experienced myself at anytime to a chance meeting with a man to whom 'I could give myself'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out on all the symbolism of marriage and women 'given away' by fathers to another man as one of the point on which I built this belief that I don't own myself, that I am first "owned" and then "given away", which is why so much garbage came from the end of the relationship with my ex husband as I suddenly perceived myself 'not belonging to anyone' and therefore less than I was before when 'I did belong to someone'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest consequences for myself as a result of this 'Giveaway Character' that I played and resulted in me never feeling whole or worthy unless I belonged to someone and someone 'belonged to me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding I had just separated myself  into a Character in my Mind seeking for ownership and belonging as a point of worth and value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my separation into a 'not good enough character' expose myself to both external and internal manipulation in which anyone who would come and play this role would be welcomed as I would blind myself to looking if the potential relationship coming would be supportive for both me and another as an equal because I allowed myself to be driven by a Character in my Mind seeking ownership and belonging

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my desire/need to own another/belong to another live my times as a single woman as if I were lacking something, missing something, as if I were incomplete, idle, just waiting for the moment when I would own somebody/belong to somebody so I could go back to my patterns of Love/fear for another energy ride to feel alive and More than how I felt when not in an ownership/belonging relationship

When and as I see myself wanting to elicit the words 'I am yours' from another or to speak the words 'I am yours' to another, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, see realize and understand I am walking a Character and that if I do, whatever I create won't be real because a Character can't create anything real, as when I am in Character I am not being Here, self directive in and as breath and thus I am not real

When and as I see myself longing or moving into the longing of owning someone or belonging to someone, I stop and breathe, see realize and understand that this is not Love but ownership, just a program I run when and as I move into fear, instead I investigate what do I fear so I can release myself from this programming once and for all

I commit myself to correct myself every time I see I am about to walk into this Character of ownership/belonging or I see myself react to trigger words of the ownership/belonging Character, until I can stand stable in and as breath here in and as the physical for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Day 69 - Relationship Energy Addict
• 102 - Relationships = Relate-to-Self
• Day 232 Journey into Life "Cinderella" Character Self Forgiveness
• Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self
• Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.
• Day 229: The Memories of The Way We Were

Day 224: "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe".. Joke!

I have been a very loved woman. From afar.

Even though I have taken on the point of 'Love' before, it was more to release myself from some of my Cultural beliefs but I had not realized the Nature and truth of Love as clearly as in this past week, as I revisited in my Life the Hows of all the 'Love' declarations I received in my life, either openly or in more concealed, 'in between the lines' ways. With openly I meant the times a man just came out and plainly told me or wrote it to me and the second case would be when it was hinted, implied, built into the words expressed but not an absolute in your face "I Love/Loved you".

As this point opened up, my Mind offered a dolly shot of all the times I was the "object" of a man's love, obviously as Gian's wrote once, it was mainly the play out of a cultural exchange we believe we have to go through for Sex, so many men would just use that point as the 'passpartout' into a woman's bedroom, but this could not happen unless the woman was equally pre-programmed and then self-programmed to crave for this 'declaration' as a point of self worth and self importance that allowed the bedroom door to open, hopefully 'diminishing' the fear that she will be used, or judged or left afterward, when men wake up and find their interest just gone, as 'what they really wanted' and got, extinguished the fake flame of "Love", if it was ever there to start with and they were not just blatantly manipulating by saying it, just as much as we manipulated ourselves by believing it.

Did we get the drift as women about how ridiculous this is yet? How would simple words such as 'I love you' be a guarantee of anything, including someone's 'honest' intentions for intimacy and getting to know another better, what substance do they carry if they are not lived out?

And doesn't the word Love immediately evoke Fear at the same time? Isn't the declaring Love a space in which one, if one cares to self investigate', will move immediately into the Fear of not being loved anymore? Is Love Fear after All?

When I was married I said 'I Love you' many times, to the point that I was asked to stop because 'it didn't sound real anymore', it was hurtful to hear this, but True.The reason why I said 'I Love you' so many times was because I didn't, I couldn't bring myself to the kind of excitement that I had associated with Love, plus as I said in my previous blogs, many of the cultural elements I had imprinted myself with as the 'defnition of Love' were missing, such as Possessiveness, Jealousy and ownership, hence it seemed necessary to fill those gaps with meaningless words as a layer of projected stability and forever-ness, the hope that if I kept repeating them they would come true, 'I love You' was my act of atonement for the self dishonesty with which I walked into my marriage and the very point that increased the self dishonesty I lived within it.

How utterly meaningless the words 'I love you' are was just brought home recently, to a deeper level than what I understood as I first begin walking this Process of Self Correction.

Back to the first line, I was loved a lot, a lot a lot, mostly and specifically when I was NOT around.

Isn't this weird?

If Love was real, wouldn't you Love more the "object" of Your Love when they are around then when they are not? Wouldn't Love be the commitment to each other to support each other unconditionally that doesn't even require those words to be expressed as both partners live them in their relationship as themselves, instead of a fantasy that generates a feeling that one goes off and lives in his/her own Mind, wouldn't Love Require the other person to be around at least, if Love was About The Other One at all?

But it is not. And this is why I was loved Best from Afar and I myself loved best and most from afar. Because you need 'the object and subject' of your Love to Not Be Around, as when they do they in fact stand in the way of our ability to generate this feeling which is based on a self created fantasy and so one can go and write poems and songs that are ethereal, eternal, untouched by the physical reality of things, unsoiled, and they can last forever, just as long as reality doesn't come in the way with its pettiness of having to adjust to sharing a space and make time work for both, working on how physical support can be given to each other, working on becoming considerate lovers, sharing responsibilities in the physical that have nothing to do with 'your aura like a dawn, your eyes like starry skies, your heavenly smell and how You make me feel' because no one is making us feel anything, all those things are self created which should be blatantly clear when we see that this "Love' we talk about and write about and sing about doesn't require the presence of another at all.

The best letters I received from my ex husband were prior to living together, the fantasy ended when I moved in, my first love asked me to marry him when I left to go back to Italy through a heartbreaking letter but I said NO, when I went back for him a few years later he said NO and then spent many more years writing about me.

Did that change my life in any way? NO. I didn't even know about it, but 'THAT was not the point, silly', I was un-required, inconsequential and furthermore blatantly demeaning to the fantasy had I ever showed up.

Which it did happen and I had the impression that while on one hand there was a moment of excitement, there was little to say because we never built a relationship or intimacy and so it was in fact the meeting of two strangers and possibly I did not play it out as well as in the self created fantasy, I did not give all the right answers, the right props to feed the fantasy and the awkwardness of Love coming to face with reality was palpably there, I was an uninvited guest in my own 'Love Story', piss off, let me Love you, please, don't come and spoil it all for me, will ya.

Was Love of any support through my Life for myself or others, both the one I was informed about and the one I informed others about? NO

Is Love selfish then? Absolutely. Love as a feeling is what I create for myself as a 'feel good experience' for which I in fact use another as a point of focus, so I can get to that experience I crave for, it doesn't include another, should You stick around too long, soon or later I will see something in You that I don't like in me and blame you for it and then My Love will come to an end, I would hate that, so please, I beg you, don't stick around.

Tomorrow I will walk this Love Character both from the giving and the receiving side of it to commit myself to stop my separation from Love as a word with no practical application in the physical, to redraw myself into Love beyond the selfishness of the positive experience I sought for myself with no regards to how could I live it as an expression of me, Equal and One for All, in and as a physical practical application of Self.

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• The Love That Fear Built
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Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self

This is a follow up to my Post "You are nobody till somebody loves you", I will walk through Self For-Giveness my return to self from my accepted and allowed beliefs, idea, opinions and experiences that I allowed myself to exist within and that shaped me into the woman I have become:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, when asked if I had a sympathy at school, if there was a boy I liked, if I was interested in anyone, to under-stand and to believe that I was supposed to feel sympathy, like or be interest in someone because it seemed to matter more than who I was and that I would gain worth and value for myself only by following that path

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself as a child to look around for that boy that I could feel sympathy for, like, be interested in, not from the perspective of me but to find that one missing piece that I was supposed to bring to the chats with my grandparents so that I could find that missing worth and fill my not enough-ness with the information they seemed to look for when talking to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, since this topic of boys vs girls grew exasperated by the Catholic environment I was raised in, where we were in mixed classes but were discouraged to play together, to create a desire to cross the line over the forbidden side of the courtyard, ending up being punished for being too adventurous, while I now see and realize I was not being adventurous, I was seeking attention and recognition from the boys because I had already internalized this point of worthlessness as a woman without the attention of a man as myself, and so I was not seeking to spend time with boys to get to know them, but for the value of me, the worth of me as I accepted and allowed myself to believe in this cultural and then family imprinting of women as worthless

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a boy was present, immediately move into a state of agitation, anxiety, as I would stand to wait for signs to decode about him being interested in me, in him finding me someone he wished to spend time with, as those signs were already becoming vital to a 'positive experience of myself' as worthy and for mistaking the shame I felt as shame for desiring the attention of boys, instead of seeing and realizing I was feeling the shame of my compromise for value and worth to be given to me as I had separated from myself as Self value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as Self Value and Self Worth and for feeling ashamed about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I grew up, encode inside of myself all the crappy Love songs of my culture as guidelines of what to look for as value within a relationship with a man, without realizing the songs were full of expressions of instability and mental problems such as jealousy, possessiveness, ownership, longing and I turned this codes into who I became and then sought to find those things that I told myself were signs of love within the relationships I built up, and when I couldn't I would move on, not questioning my starting point but believing 'the other' had not given to me the 'right signs' of love and as such his love could not be trusted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when listening to a song, always try to fit into it, to see myself within it and the experiences I could have if it was me the main character of the song, the woman longed for, never forgotten, the source of jealousy and possessiveness and how I would 'feel' about it and deciding that it would feel good, set out to seek the same dramas that my culture defined as 'Love' to live in my own life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would feel if it was me the centre of so much attention, discarding along the way potential partners that did not live up to such great loves imprinted in and as my Mind, when in fact I myself did not live up to them but in my picking and choosing I would always seek songs that when men sang where about the longing, the love, the craving and when women sang were always about the sorrow, the intensity, the regret and then I went looking for partners that would resonate within my same cultural imprinting so we could play out those scripts together until they turned to the sorrow, the intensity and the regret of the roles I had chosen and scripted for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with jealousy about a partner, to not take responsibility for what I felt and investigate the point to see that I would feel jealous as a comparison with other women from which I came out short in my own self judgement of myself, and since jealousy for me to feel was not part of my scripts because the men were the ones supposed to play the jealous part, I would find excuses and justifications to just move on, fearing that I would have to go through the jealousy experience again if I stuck with a particular partner and overlooking the point if there was a connection that was worth holding on to and learn to grow together in mutual support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of my unstable behavior with men which I could not figure out if it was because I was too interested or not interested enough, to end up walking away at all times as a result of accumulations of backchats and self dishonesty that I ended up blaming on them and that I allowed to become so overwhelming to the point of just giving up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was important and for feeling dishonest because I could not work out in detail what this feeling of 'love' was all about except translate it into jealousy, possessiveness, ownership instead of standing as a stable point of support next to my partners without seeking the illusory world of emotions and feelings as Proof that 'something was really there' because I was not there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be there for my myself or my partners as I busied myself blaming them for not being there for me, when in fact the point was that I was nowhere to be seen and I never considered building a self honest relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, twice in my life, drop my life and move to another country after a man, creating a credit in my mind for which a payback was due and corrupting my starting point both with myself as I took off without ever considering my own life but just the experience I would gain that would give me having a man next to me to me and equally with them, starting with a debt to be repaid, just like the current Monetary System, where nothing is done for nothing and a payback is always due

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold my partners responsible for my life, through the justification that 'I gave up my life for you' so I could go on playing the extra romantic woman in love, while in fact I was just creating excuses to not be responsible for myself and the choices I made

I commit myself to establish a self honest relationship with myself, wherein I stand on my own two feet, no matter where I am or where I decide to move to, and to no longer make others responsible for myself or the experience of myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself trying to take off into some mind delusions about Love and memories and the past, to stop, Breathe, realize that I am not giving up anything of value as my memories are behavioural microchips that lead always in the same place where I have been many times before, to failure , and I no longer want to experience failure in relationships as a definition of who I am

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself move into the desire to compare my relationships as a way to feel safer, to stop and breathe through the fear, as the fear I have is the fear of me and I instead look at what am I fearing so I can release myself from it once and for all

I commit myself to, when and as I speak to a man, a partner or a potential partner to make sure I am not reactive, if I am to Breathe through my reactions before I speak or write and then only express myself so I can stop existing as a tornado of disasters because Prevention is the Best Cure.

Related articles

• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Day 69 - Relationship Energy Addict
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Day 60: Rings to Tie and Bind

When I got married I was the one getting the rings, my husband to be was already relocated in Singapore, he sent me the finger measure with a piece of iron wire, we chose them half white gold and half yellow gold and had each other's name inscribed inside.

When he arrived in Milan he tried the ring on and it was a perfect fit.

As a culture (Italian) we place much importance on the wedding rings, I always wore mine until I divorced and in the later years when I had become more lax about it, my husband took it out a few days after the wedding and told me it was just tight and uncomfortable, I felt hurt about that, because I believed it meant he did not love me and did not care for me.

Many of the things I used to believe today seem ridiculous to me, yet I believed them, I put value on two metal rings to define my relationship with my husband.

Women are brainwashed into believing that wedding rings are a sign of Love/value that a man puts in the relationship, yet when I look back, the love of my husband that was less spoken and less advertised than mine was more substantial than mine, while I used these rings to impose dos and donts according to the ringed/slave life we both had subscribed to, because rings are just for that, to define a property , an ownership, this is why slaves had rings on their noses, like bulls, so they could be pulled around and moved where they were supposed to be.

One interesting thing is that in my language the 'ring' finger is called ANUlare, couldn't make it clearer than that, wear your ring slave, now you are Mine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put value into 'wedding rings'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the wedding ring as a way to communicate my subordinate position in my marriage by wearing it, a sign that 'everything was fine' or to take it off to send the signal that things were rocky instead of communicating what was going on with me in fear that what was going on with me was in fact not acceptable and bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when my husband told me that he no longer wanted to wear the wedding ring and stopped wearing it because I felt he no longer wanted to be with me and that he did not want me because I already carried that fear and then I put value in rings to define my relationship to another being to state that he wanted me or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my husband did not want me and to connect this fear to the wedding ring he did not wear because it was uncomfortable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more secure when we were both wearing our rings because it meant he was Mine and I was His and within this agreement everything was fine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my husband wore his ring to show that he did want to be with me and that he was Mine so I could feel safer and not fear that he was having backchats about leaving me or regrets about having married me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a wedding ring as 'belonging to someone' as something that satisfied my desire to belong, because I believed I was not enough to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking about the wedding ring to my husband because I feared he would mock me and that he would see in my desire for him to wear the wedding ring that I was in fact frail and insecure and he would not like me because he married a confident and self assured woman that was no longer around after I left my job and my country to go to Singapore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to own another human being as a way to not have to face my insecurities and my perceived worthlessness, because if I could own somebody I was not worthless and I could feel safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel safe  with myself alone and for needing someone else around in my life to feel safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt every time he made jokes about the 'fucking wedding ring' because I associated myself and self value to the wedding ring and his desire to wear it and to feel diminished by his jokes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by his jokes about wedding, marriage and the wedding ring and for taking them personally reducing myself to feeling worthless and not wanted, instead of realizing I felt worthless and not wanted in separation from myself as in me not wanting myself and not being the Self Worth as Life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate men who don't want to wear wedding rings to cheaters while I was the one that ended up cheating twice, even wearing my wedding ring, proving that beliefs and traditions don't make Who We Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about cheating, because I knew he was not cheating on me but I justified my cheating with his carelessness that was not real but just made up by myself having built up images and expectation of the perfect couple, continuously comparing us to them, to the movies to fairy tales and when we came out short in perfection I blamed it on him because I was doing all the right things, like wearing my wedding ring, while he was always away to work to support us and our household

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek my own value into my husband feedback and for feeling diminished when his feedback was not good and then desiring to cheat to prove to him that other men would have in fact wanted me and treasured me, even though the value problem was always mine and he just got blamed for what I was not willing to face and take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad now that I write about this, because the first time I cheated I went home and told him  and told him I wanted to leave with this other man and I was hurt because he did not call me a whore like men of my culture do, but he told me 'that he was sorry to see me suffering' and hoped that I would make up my mind so I would no longer suffer like I was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel loved because he did not call me a whore and slapped me around to show me his passion, instead of seeing that love is not calling a woman a whore and slapping her around to show passion  and that is just insecurity and frustration, yet in him not aligning with what I understood as normal, I was unable to see that love doesn't bind and hurt, doesn't own the life of others but stands and gives what it would like to receive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel soooo bad about what I did when I discovered the other man couldn't even remember me after 2 weeks, and my husband came home from a business trip got into bed and told me 'thank you for coming back to me', that I lived in guilt and shame for the rest of my marriage, even though he never brought it up once but the diminishment of myself had been so big that instead of appreciating this man I went on to find faults with him, so I could lever the field and not feel like such a shit, because I was not even sure that I staid for him or because I had nowhere else to go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip behind my husband back, looking to build an entourage of people that saw me as right, because I felt so wrong that instead of stopping and starting to make things right,  started to make him wrong, because I lacked the tools to self correct and anything I tried from Meditation to positive affirmation never changed me or who I had accepted and allowed myself to become but just compounded my self judgements and shame and guilt that I projected on him as blame trying to take him down from the pedestal where I myself put him in comparison to me and my vile ego and self interested living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intentionally harm another because I was damaged through my own damaging within my extensive participation in thoughts emotions and feelings and because I had not yet found ways to stop and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share my own hell with others dragging them by their hair onto my emotional rollercoasters and accusing them to being emotionally retarded, while the only one that was emotionally retarded was me, having engaged most of my life into emotional turmoil, believing that that was what life was because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that conflict was what life is about and that noone can escape friction and so if friction must be, let me be the winner of the friction competition

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as conflict and as friction, always trying to up my opponent so I would win the Energy/value competition, no matter who I would have to take down in the process to establish myself as the winner, proving that I have lived a life of competition and spitefulness, while blaming others for being spiteful and evil not wanting to own up to my own spitefulness and the evil I existed in and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with my husband for who was better and worse and that when I accepted he was better than me I moved into competing to be worse so I could win at something and not feel diminished by my relationship with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my husband for how I felt about myself, projecting on him my own self hatred and lack of acceptance instead of realizing it was my response-ability to stop existing as self hatred and lack of acceptance by starting to accept myself unconditionally and loving myself unconditionally so I would stop my existence as a beggar of reasons to 'feel good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel good about myself, instead of seeing it was this desire that kept the feeling bad about myself alive and kicking, while I kept myself separated from me as Life Here in Breath as Self Worth One and Equal with everything that exists

I commit myself to stop looking for reasons to love myself for, as I see and realize that self love is not about what I do or how I do it, it's a decision to love myself no matter what, to accept myself no matter what so I can in self honesty build Self trust and no longer lean on others or desire to lean on others to be validated as a worthy human being, as Life Here in Breath exists as Self Worth and I am the one who has gone away in separation through Self Judgements while Life was Here stable in the physical, judgement free in every moment of Breath One and Equal to What is Best for All and everything that exists.

I commit myself to investigate in depth how I have built myself into such separation and to stop my survival in and as separation in and as the Mind to stand as Life Here in Breath, One and Equal to existence and All There IS.