Day 245: Telling Stories Larger than Life - Character

When I was a kid I had a step grandfather whose storytelling would keep me so enthralled that I would disregard everyone's comments at the table of 'cut it out, stop exagerating', to which he would reply, "I am only making the story more interesting, more 'beautiful'"

One of the reason why I was taken by his storytelling was the HOW he changed stories to paint himself always heroic during the war or in his relationships, everything he did would be polished up or magnified, never made less, always made more and in turn himself More than he was.

This is the first memory that I have in connection to this Character that I played extensively.

The second memory that would be linked to this is of a time in my courtyard when I was reviewing and editing a moment I had lived, I was basically 'screenwriting' but backward, making myself play it all in the right way while saying the perfect flawless gobsmacking lines, the best lines of any interaction were always mine, I would steal them from everywhere, movies in which I registered a specific emotional content/charge, books where a sentence was just too good to be read just once, which is I guess why I developed the skill of listening in such detail, it was never to listen to others, it was to grab pieces of other peple's characters and make them mine, telling myself I 'could be that' and evoke the same emotion I felt when I heard the lines that were played out by others. Storytelling was a tool to 'move' people in my favour and was mainly based on the outcome I sought in terms of how I wanted others to perceive me, as the one always 'in charge'.

In charge, this words in Italian translates as "Incaricato", it would mean "assigned a role" and never in a million years, unless I translated it into English and then back again into Italian, I would have noticed the word 'charged' -caricato, which means both charged as electrically/energetically "charged" and "loaded".

This one of my Characters was one of the most uncomfortabe to play since I caught myself in my first editing, copying and pasting sequences in speficic orders to come out the winner, like all games, when you take away the surprise point, the game doesn't hold up as well, as tightly, which is one of the reasons why I always had troubles believing people that say "I don't know ' to anything or that insist they are not aware of a part they are playing.


Since I started walking with Desteni I have wondered if something in me was wrong from the start, meaning if something was not screwed as tight as it should have, like my head, because these leaks of awareness were always disturbing and still I don't know, maybe we all just "leak awareness" and instead of using our awareness to change or stop doing what we see clearly that we are doing, we suppress awareness every day a little more, we seek drugs and alchohol, basically anything that will help sort out the feeling that something is not right, I am not right, I am not even real, am I? Best to forget about it, play the part and then, if necessary, the storyline can always be edited and rescripted as if we lived it out 'right' instead of having extensively fucked up yet again.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of storytelling being more important than Life, larger than Life and for manipulating memories for the purpose of portraying myself as 'right' and 'more' in fear of being 'wrong' and 'less', I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I started to live to create a Character that could tell the stories of my life better than I could live them by being self honest, instead of stopping and not accepting myself to live as a Character for the purpose of story telling as Larger than Life and more important than self expressing and for believing that being liked and accepted by others was key to my well being and for this attempting or maneuvering to manipulate the opinion I imagined others held of me I forgive myself



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having the approval of others and molding the opinions of others of me into the perfect reflection I wanted shown back to me was important and that the opinion of others of me defined who I am, and for giving up my self expression to impress myself on others as an imaginary reflection of my own creation, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my self honesty as I aspired to create the perfect reflection of me imprinted in others, failing to see that it was not the projected image of me I needed to change, but myself in and as the physical to reach the perfection I aspired to and tried to reach through storytelling, and for failing to see, realize and understand that I spent my life working on a projection of me that was not real instead of realigning the Self that is real in and as the physical, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about the opinions others have of me, accepting and allowing myself to believe that what others think of me defines me, without seeing, realizing and understanding that what I thought others thought about me was MY creation and had nothing to do with others, and that I used others to project my own self judgements on them as their own creation and then make them responsible for how I experienced myself instead of correcting myself in and as the physical for real vs attempting to correct the image of myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others and then resent them for the creation of the imaginary projection of myself that I disliked and attempted to change through storytelling instead of changing my living expression to realign to the principle of 'not doing to others what I did not want done unto me' or to 'giving as I would like to receive'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed everytime I saw myself editing my life, because everytime I edited my life I lived a moment of conditional acceptance of myself and for not having accepted myself unconditionally for all that I had become so I could see clearly what I had to change instead of making up stories about having changed or about how changed I was, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not good enough, not interesting enough to just 'tell it like it is' and that I had to make up good stories about how in fact I was enough instead of addressing the point of why I came to accept and believe I was not good enough and as such create a Character that was 'better than me/more than me/larger than me' for any circumstance I lived in which I perceived I failed, did not do my best, didn't live up to what I knew I could live up to because it was easier than real change


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked about a story that involves me, instead of just 'telling it like it is' perceive myself moving into this StoryTeller Character, to embellish it, make it more fun, interesting so I can fulfill myself by having a bigger ovation, appreciation so I can feel alive and for separating myself from myself Here as Life in and as Breath seeking for myself as I missed out on Me having always been Here, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of playing this Character, not feel at ease or relaxed when I am asked to tell an event because I immediately move to turn any event into a 'story' to make reality bigger, better more interesting and within this, for making reality as the physical not good enough as I sought to enhance it in some ways, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a Character in which I feel physically constricted even in my movement as I stand into and as the Storyteller and for separating myself from the physical as me in search for more, in search for meaning, in search for a reason why I am even living, I forgive myself



When and as I see myself being asked a question and moving or about to move into the Storyteller character to find ways to enhance what I lived that didn't seem enough, good enough, interesting enough, I stop, breath, do not allow myself to step into this Character while I observe the triggers that made me desire to do so so I can at the first chance write them out and free myself from this role-playing once and for all


When and as I see myself about to tell a story and moving or about to move into my mind for screenwriting and editing, I stop, breathe, practice the tell it like it is beyond my fear that it won't be interesting enough, captivating enough, generating enough good reviews, practicing to not Role play until I can step out of this Character for good


When and as I see myself desiring to edit, screenwrite a story, even in the most apparently insignificant details, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have walked this Character and I wrote for myself instructions about how to move beyond the fear that my life may not be enough and then I just wak the script I rewrote for myself until telling it like it is become integrated in me as who I am


When and as I see myself having the thought that life is not enough in one of the many ways I found to let myself know that, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I fear losing is not Life but my ideas and definitions of what an interesting life should look like, be like and within this see realize and understand I have lived the most interesting life and yet I was never satisfied about it, because in the seeking I was never Here and in the Not Enoughness of my experience I lived as the not Enough-ness of me in separation from myself and for this I forgive myself



I commit myself to see realize and understand that Life in and as Breath is enough, that I am enough and that there is nothing More to seek, because in the seeking for More I make myself Less, until I exist no more


I commit myself to stabilize myself in and as Breath, in and as Myself realigning to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all as that is All I have ever been seeking for, the Oneness and Equality of Me with Existence as a Whole vs my existence as a Hole.


I commit myself to no longer live the Holeness of Existence and to walk the necessary steps to return myself to the Wholeness of Myself as Existence for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

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Day 236: Self Destruction is NOT Such a Pretty Little Thing

This is a follow up to my post Self Destruct Program - What if you Survive It.

When and as I see myself moving or starting to move into a sense of boredom, uselessness, impatience and any other emotion I have identified as triggers to my Self Destruct Programs, I stop, Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, bring myself back here in and as the Physical into and as stability

When and as I see myself desiring to engage triggers that I know will lead me to activate my Self destruct Character, I stop, breathe, check what is happening inside of me that makes me desire to move into Self destruction and if I can, write down what I am experiencing to release myself from the energetic movement, and if I cannot I stick to Breathe until I am able to write down my experience and apply self forgiveness

When and as I see myself imagining or moving into imagining how much better a Self destructive activity/habit would  be to anything that I am doing in the moment, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to wander off into imagining things that aren't real and that I have proved to myself only carry an imaginary 'energetic reward', instead I push myself to remain here in and as breath until I have breathed through my desire to get off on my imagination to not be Here but off in and as my Mind

When and as I see myself wandering off  or about to wander off in my Mind through Mine Fields of thoughts that I know will lead me to this experience of myself as not enough, as if something should be added to it such as food or sweets, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I know where those thoughts lead to and that I have no need to go and check them out and push myself to stabilize myself through breath instead of suppressing myself through one of my self destructive habits

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into memories of my past failures concerning changing habits, I stop, breathe as I see realize and understand that what I have lived is not who I am and that what I lived cannot define who I am unless I give my power as directive principle away to my mind and I commit myself to not give my power away to memories of my past failures no matter how specific they seem to be to the moment I am facing

When and as I see myself reacting to my friends with chronic illnesses as I pull up the belief that it should have been me, I stop, breathe, forgive myself for desiring to punish myself for how I have lived and keep doing so until I no longer resonate with this desire for suffering and self destruction

When and as I see myself  doubting my ability to change, I stop, breathe, make the self directive decision to not accept the doubt that I can change in and as me just because I participated in this doubt and then in the con-vinction that people don't change in the past, as I See, realize and understand that the past is past and cannot define me as I stand as self directive principle to change myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself attempting to move into any of the above behavior, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that, since I already know the outcome, I am attempting to find an excuse to go back to what I find familiar, as in a family legacy, see realize and understand that a legacy is a tie to myself as a Character that I no longer want to participate in, and that I have the power to step out of it through a process of accumulation of Not participating in any of the triggers leading to Self Destruction.

I commit myself to keep writing about Habits and the desire to engage them until I stand clear in and as The Change that I am scripting for myself.

Related articles

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Day 173: The Queen of Spades - Looping Memories as The Shackles Within

As I write out my History/Story  about My Marriage I am not always finding a relief or the emptiness I found for other writings, some days writing puts me back into a state of despair as "What Have I done?" 

I am seeing through writing how I have been looping memories in my Life, growing the Memory Chip Card from minor acts of ugliness and senseless acts of evilness, to full blown horror land and desire to harm myself and others.

Of course with growing older, we acquire the ability to justify what we do in ever growing creative ways, finding new slants at why everyone else is to blame for how we have lived and who we have become.

In this blaming parents and society becomes essential, we give up on the idea that we would ever be able to face the true extent of what we have done to ourselves and others as we held on to our Characters for dear Life, which DEAR became indeed, as the Cost of living such a Life is something none of us was prepared to pay when we embarked in this physical experience.

To those who profess positive thinking, a practice I myself swore by for over a decade, a question should be asked. When we switch all our focus to the positive, where does all the SHIT we have participated in and as goes? If I am the Creator of my reality, does my Creation starts when I switch to thinking 'Positively' about myself and the world, or does my creation encompass everything I have ever been (as in believed to be) and denied or justified?

Because if the case is the second, that could be WHY the World is the way it is, the World having become the big giant carpet under which we have swept all the ugliness and evilness of ourselves.

When I joined the Desteni I Process, in which the initial statement is "Face your Evil", I was actually GLAD, because the Evil I have been is REAL, or let's rephrase it, as Real as the Positive but just our real Starting Point, the good and positive we embrace later in life is NOT Real and strangely I had more troubles having to manufacture my good side than admitting to my Evil Side.

We are Evil, we are born from a 'negative' source of 'energy' and then had the positive to cover it all up and allow the constant movement of friction, which is internal AS external, there are no good people in this world, if they were good, they would NOT be Here, which brings me back to my Evilness that goes as far as wanting to be the Evil-est, such as in the relationship with my ex husband, in which I can unfold what "I" did while I paint him as the Angelic creature that was Pure, and I was the Evil beast, having moved my competition from being the Best to being the Worse.

Yet in NO WAY, no matter how I have filed my memories to prove 'how bad I am, really' can I be the baddest, I must be Equally bad as everyone else, so one interesting point that came out of my writing 'the baddest in me' was precisely this 'get off your baddest pedestal', there is no competition here, we are Equally the Resident Evil of the Planet. And Yes WE ARE.

So, why hang on to the baddest of the baddest in me? Because this way I can PROVE I cannot change, come on, look at all the shit "I" have done, who can rise from THAT?

I CAN, WE CAN, when we accept that what I have done cannot define me/us unless I/We insist that it does.

So the shackling, the enslavement is an inside job, it is the way to make sure I don't change, which I no longer accept and allow of myself, I am not defined by my memories and the reason I write (note to Self) is not to drag myself back into all the shit I have done, it is to let go, to put the memories on paper and affirm that this no longer HOW I define me, this no longer runs who I decide to be, because I have not been aligned to What is best for All so far, and that includes what was best for me as Self as the Whole, but I can realign, giving up who I thought I was, because thoughts as memories and feelings and emotions are not of Life and are not Real, until I take them into myself as the Physical and breathe them into reality as Me and then walk my zombified life into existence OR I stop doing that and write myself to Nothingness, as I release on paper the scripts that I either accepted and allowed or that I have MasterMinded into Existence to prove the point that I could not change, that the load was too big, that there would have been too much to face and accepted Evil as Human nature and Myself as the Queen of Spades.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I was the Evilest of them All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the Evilest of them All, at least I would be best at something as Best in my Evil Ways

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the 'Queen of Spade" Characters as an inner representation of myself starting from my teenage years, because no matter what deeds I would have to perform or which thoughts I would have to engage to keep the throne, I was still a Queen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drag myself through my memories as an act of penance for what I have done, instead of just sticking to writing myself out to release myself from the penance I have already lived One and Equal to. within my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use who I have been and what I have done as the reason to why 'I cannot possibly change' I have done too much shit, when in fact this belief in itself is the shackles I have designed for myself to make sure that I would stay put and not challenge my preprogrammed and then accepted ad allowed existence as my own definitions of myself, without which I fear I don't know who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use memories as the foundation of my personalities that I reinforced with layers of behaviour to establish that, yes, this is really Who I am, thanks God, I don't care WHAT I am as long as I am something because the idea of being Nothing was more frightening than stepping into the Queen of Spade Role to confirm and affirm my Existence, no matter at what cost

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel advantaged and good about it when I started this process because I believed I had already sorted out the point that there was NOTHING Good about me, when in fact that was never the point, because Equally, there is nothing BAD about me either and being Evil meant I have backpedalled on LiveLife and that I have infact never lived, because living would have entailed being Here in and as Breath, always the same, in and as awareness, and not participate in energetic Role Plays just to get something out for myself such as an energetic experience to define Who I am as this was the real problem, when we started to ask, there must be something More than Me, there Must be something More than Here and then, both Me and Here were no longer Good Enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Me in and as Here was/is Not good enough, as if I had to be MORE and in my search for MORE became Less and then pretended to lose myself within Characters and Personalities so I would not have to Face this fuckup that I have created, and in my desire to not face responsibility I disempowered myself inward and outward

I commit myself to stand in and as Self responsibility, walking my Memory Line not as The Passion of Christ, because I know were that led him and where it will possibly lead me, on the Cross, but to just get there at the Cross as the Choice of either accepting and allowing this reality as is or standing up for myself and existence and What is Best for All Equal and One

I commit myself to let go my 'sad' past to no longer use it as the excuse to why I am entitled to Not Change, because I really had it rough first (Victim Character) and I dished it out with a passion (Queen of Spades), when in fact I have just been playing it all in my Mind, con-vincing myself that my experiences were real and so was I, when in fact I will never be real until I decide to stand for All as One and then walk my decision consistently no matter how many times I have to pick myself up, until my standing becomes Who I Am

I commit myself to let go of All memories that I have used to bash myself, because I see realize and understand that bashing myself is just a way to 'put me back in my place' which is basically a Character of my own design, so that I may never step out of my own designed limitation and Change and break these shackles of illusion for myself and All of Existence Equal and One 

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Day 137: Step Back Dirty Lousy Kid

I don't know yet how this memory is connected to the 'Good Master' memory, yet after I wrote the blog the other day it kept popping up, from wayyyy back, an episode that I could hardly remember, amazingly so since it must have taken me extensive effort to suppress it for life and put it away somewhere well hidden within my filing system.

The memory is of when I went to summer camp and I got lice. I did not like to go to summer camps as I missed my mum and I did not like to interact with kids I did not know, which were all of them as I got to summer camp without knowing anybody at all.

Private Summer camps were a novelty in Italy, the Government ones were started by Mussolini, to allow parents without means to send their kids to the seaside on Government expense and lasted all the way throughout the seventies, until one lousy government after another kept taking money out of the till until there was nothing left for social policies.

My mum worked for General Electric, she was a happy slave there since GE provided an absolutely unheard of lifestyle, she had moved there from another avant-garde company called Olivetti, those Companies that were born in the 70es believed that the well being of their employees was crucial for the good functioning of the system, these were the golden years of employment, employers offered benefits to keep their good and loyal employees, until they understood that they did not have to do that, making them FEAR to not be able to support themselves and starve to death could replace all benefits and make them save plenty money, and yes, fuck the well being too.

So, I went to one of General Electric summer camps for a few years in a row, I staid 2 turns, everywhere my mum could send me for summer as long as possible she would do so, to keep me off the streets. I particularly hated staying for 2 terms as that meant I would see the first turn of kids leave after 2 weeks to return home, got to wave them bye bye as they boarded the bus all neat and cleaned up to be returned to their parents, and would stay behind with just a few 'lucky ones' waiting for the second turn load to arrive.

I seem to remember this was my first year at summer camp, my time at summer camp was spent shuffling around and crying myself to sleep in the big rooms we shared with lots of kids as those rooms reeked of orphanages pictures I had seen and imagined, I used to write home, in every letter I would write 'don't forget to come and pick me up', as the fear of never returning home was something I lived with during the whole stay, every year, everywhere I went, this was due to twice having been forgotten due to a misunderstanding between my mum and somebody else supposed to come and pick me up, a stain that tainted the trust in my mother to effectively remember about me when I was out of sight, I used to write as well 'wait to have fun until I come back', for the rest I was forbidden to write 'I miss you like hell 'and why the fuck did you put me here with these kids I don't even know where I am lined up and asked to do 'social activities' like learning songs and basically be puppetered around against my will and my desire to just be left alone". The Minders told me that this would upset my mum too much and make her sad.

My mum wrote to me every day, she would put a candy for me in every letter and I felt luckier than the other kids because everyday when they called for the mail I had a letter, while other kids did not and that was just about the only upper hand I managed to have during my whole stay. A meagre satisfaction

For the rest I was not particularly graceful as I was always taller than the other girls, did not have feminine or fashionable clothes or anything that made me stand out, which gave me a sense of being inferior to other girls and all the kids in general.

When I went to summer camps with the nuns, they played for us Albinoni's Adagio' which in my memory is the saddest, most tragic music I have ever heard and always moved me to tears before sleeping even when I was much older. The careful Merciful Choice of the frustrated Nuns, I always saw that music played to make us sleep as a point of Child Abuse as many of us sniffed our way through all the tune until we fell asleep.

SO back to first year in summer camp, not fitting in, scared of all the other kids, and during my first year, first turn, I got lice.

This event was a shocker, while we were waiting to go through the combs of the nurse, someone said that only dirty kids had lice and I remember sitting there hoping and praying that I was not one of them. But I was. I do not have specific memories of how they organized to separate us, just of the courtyard in which they took us and cut our hair very short, my hair was a point I hang on to since I was a kid, I was always rolling a curl between my fingers with my hair and I remember the feeling of the hairs between my fingers, silky like a texture I really liked, like velvet, a tactile pleasure, it was not a point of vanity, as my mum was never remarking on my appearance and was always running, so she did not have the time to shampoo my hair and put the balm on it like grandma did, appearance was of no concern to me as a kid, it was just that when they cut my hair in the courtyard I felt marked, like now everyone could see and would know I was one of the kids who had lice.

They made a pile of hair in the courtyard and set them on fire, I remember the burnt chicken smell and the shame, a shame so big that I wanted to dig a hole and disappear, plus a sense of powerlessness, that it was all over, nobody of my family was around to tell everyone that I was not a dirty kid, I thought that I had shamed my family as well, no one explained to us about lice and how it happens so I used that comment as my only source of information and built myself a story of shame and guilt. And then blame, I blamed my mum for putting me there with the lousy dirty kids that infected me, for not putting balm on my hair that maybe would have kept the lice away as some kids did not get them, were they the ones better looked after than me? There was for sure something wrong with me, and with her, she was my mother, where the fuck was she in such a tragic moment of my life?

When we were checked again and I cried the nurse told me that actually lice only pick clean heads, I don't know if it was true or not, but I remember the relief as I turned myself from one of the dirty kids into one of the clean ones and felt better about myself. For days the picture of the hair burning in the courtyard haunted me, my own little holocaust, something I did not have a context to understand, I never liked short hair after that and I never wanted to remember.

My mum was informed and came to visit the first weekend after this 'hair cut', I was still dragging myself as if I had been violated, silently angry at her, she told me I was cute and I cried, I vented some of my anger but not the shame, I could not wait for the turn to change and bring in new kids, fresh flesh that had not seen what they had done to me and to my hair and that would never know that I lived through such a shameful moment and survived, diminished and smaller but with some well adjusted suppression everything would be fine and forgotten.

Throughout my Life, every time someone told me after that that I did not wash something properly or that I had a stain on my clothes I would react in shame, I was obviously not good at taking care of me, I should get someone to do it on my behalf, maybe this is the link to the Good Master as I never stepped out of that Shame and the desire to never again feel like the little lousy dirty shameful kid and if that meant getting myself a caretaker to do what I was unable to do, then so be it. Stick a Mental Note on my To DO List.

Self forgiveness to follow tomorrow with self corrective statements

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Day 88: The Rejected Character Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment

Follow up From Yesterday's Post

Memories of rejections and Myself stepping into this Rejection Character

My mum saying she did not love me at first sight

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my mum saying that she did not love me at first sight, allowing myself to feel diminished comparing myself to the children that I heard were loved at first sight, and within this sadness and diminishment I created enough energy to embody the Character as me, the Rejected as me, failing to see I was walking into a family Character and that I wanted to believe I was rejected so I would have a point of friction with my mother through which I could generate energy for myself as the Mind and that with time I have manipulated this memory, to make it more than just a point my mother shared to express herself about her not having immediately engaged 'The Mother' Character, yet I took it personally and turned myself into the experience of 'Rejection' that I created again and again to point out to myself that this was what I was accepting and allowing in and as myself and yet I missed the point and lived out my rejections in Full Character and for this I FORGIVE MYSELF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having Character was a good thing, that showed the determination of someone and how specific they were about Who They Were, failing to see it was just the expression of how well One pretended to be a specific Character everyone had subscribed to and approved of  and that 'having Character' didn't mean to Be Real

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of me of my mum saying that she had not loved me at first sight, that I have used to abuse myself within and as The Creation of the Rejected Character, so I could start Building some Characters into my Characters file to define myself by, so I could participate in this Character play with others in which I would uphold and confirm their Characters as long as they did the same for me and my Character and I commit myself to stop living a life of Characters to return Here in and as Breath to birth myself as Life in the Physical

My mum standing up for other kids against me

I forgive myself for, after having filed and imprinted the memory of myself as 'rejected' walking through life attempting to validate this memory as me seeking for experiences that I could manipulate into an idea of rejection so I would bring back the Rejected within me and feel victimised by external events and people and that I deserved better than the family I had, so I dreamed about Mary Poppins and when she would be flying to My Home, since it was clear (as I convinced myself) that I was an abused child that someone should take care of me, creating the premises for the Character of 'Someone Must Take care of me/Someone Must Save Me' that led to my Desire to believe in a saviour, in a God that was more powerful than Me to come and Save me, failing to see myself as the Creator of my experiences and the Characters I played out

I commit myself to delete this memory of me and let it go for good as I see and realize memories are not me as who I really am, but foundation blocks of Characters that I embody through memories that keep me in the past that I now let go, the Past is Over

My mum standing up for her boyfriend vs me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to file a memory of my mum standing up for her boyfriend instead than for me, when I can clearly recall beyond my own memory manipulation that both myself and her boyfriend competed for the attention and support of my mother, me as the Character of the beloved daughter and he as the Partner, pulling her every one way just to prove who among us was the most important, picking hideous points in opposition to each other to force my mother to make choices to confirm Who was most important between the two of us, proving that we never become adult as this was happening Equally between a child and an adult stuck into a child behaviour of tantrums for attention and validation as I myself am today, and for this I forgive myself and commit myself to stopping my energy tantrums.

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mother standing up for her boyfriend only , when I can in fact remember that she tried to do a balancing act, but I only filed what I wanted to remember to validate my own Character of the Rejected One as the Victim of the situation so I could go into self pity and feel sorry for myself, creating imaginary energy credits for which I was owed something and within this setting up my own Energy investments, like equity funds, to be paid up later down the line by my debtors and for this I forgive myself and commit myself to stop my imaginary energy investments to bring myself back Here in and as Breath

My mum being angry at me and not talking to me for days

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with the image of my mum not talking to me for days, which I then played out in bits and pieces into my relationship as I saw within this Character of Her a point of Self Righteousness I wanted for myself as that seemed to accumulate energy credits quite fast within the energy banking system and for this I forgive myself for having embodied Self Righteousness as me to accumulate Energy Credits for myself on my Imaginary Energy Stock Exchange.

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mother not talking to me for days, seeing and realizing I have always and only filed what I wanted ,and seen what I wanted to be able to support and manage my own Characters and my existence as a Character within an Energy play

My mum telling me 'go and think about it' so I would have to investigate what I did or said to upset her and until I got it she would not talk to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with this memory of my mum telling me 'go think about it' as a memory that proved that I was in fact 'rejected' in and at the moment she would say this, piling up moments such as this to confirm and validate the existence of myself as 'the Rejected' so I could justify my own reactions, emotions and feelings toward my mum that I wanted to hold on to, because they generated the friction I needed to exist as energy, proving I was never standing as the Solution as Breath but equally participating within the friction of our relationship and for this I forgive myself

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mum telling me to 'go think about it' as I see she did what she believed was right and we just moved along and passed on the damaged Characters of ourselves to each other in a sting of delusions and stupidity loops, forgetting that everything that is Here is Self as Me and instead keeping on the facade of being many with many Opinions and Characters to satisfy to be able to infact always live in a state of constant friction to generate the energy that kept the show alive, instead of stepping off the stage to start to Breathe to realize I am Here, I Breathe

My grandfather not wanting to talk to me when I run away from home at 17 and came back one year later from Ireland

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with the memory of my grandfather not talking to me because I ran away from Home and did not tell him or he would have stood in the way of my desire to just leave it all behind, and since he felt rejected as in not informed and not important he went on and played out the 'rejected one' that gets back through rejection as I myself did in my Life, pretending to not care when I believed and perceived I was, had been rejected or I was about to or in the vicinity of the possibility of being rejected and within this I forgive myself for playing the Rejected that Rejects Character as a pay back and squaring of the books of rejection, while I blamed others for what and how I experienced myself within my Rejection, never owning up to the point that whatever I experience within me as me is my responsibility and I can Stop it and correct it as myself through self honesty and self responsibility

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my grandfather who I perceived  rejected me for having been rejected and to see and realize that we have passed onto each other our diseased Characters and Role Playing of the Mind and that it is time to let go of the Past that if we carry will just loop us as Characters into the same life experiences, as Characters have a limited ability to create within Energy Plays, while stopping All Characters to become Equal to All Characters of the World will put an end to this game and bring us back Home to Equality and Oneness Here in and as Breath for Life and All of existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out again and again the Rejected Character, feeling and believing myself to be real as the Rejected Character when

when my boyfriend told me he was going back to his previous girlfriend

when my lover told me he was going back to his wife

when M. told me he was going back to his girlfriend and 2 children

when I Feared that my ex husband that regretted to have married me and wished he could reject me :) and when within this I forgive myself the fear of being rejected

when My ex husband did not come looking for me to take me back when I left home after 7 years of marriage

when My ex husband told me NO to sex or sleeping together because it would have 'complicated' things between us, when we were already separated one night that I was drunk and I made a fool of myself

when My best friend after I wrote a possessed letter to her and then tried to clumsily apologize  told me NO, basically, I no longer want you as my friend

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BeLieve that those situation were a proof that I was in fact rejected and they would not/could not be disputed, while I argued with myself for my own limitations as the 'Rejected Character', looking and making up clues in other people's behaviors in support of my Character which was a Family heirloom and should not be given away or disposed of easily, because it came with a Life of memories of its own to which I just added my load to give it More Life and make me into this Character, trapping myself into rejections timeloops until I stood up to see, the only one rejecting me was myself as I never embraced myself unconditionally but lived in and as the judgement of me as the Rejected/Rejectable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for perceiving I had been rejected and then  shame because it must have been my fault since people do not go rejecting people around over nothing, failing to see, I was just 'in Character' always looking for people breaking points so I could finally be 'rejected' when they had enough, so I could fulfill myself in and as the Rejected, which then became one of the foundations for my Rebel Character ad on and on from one delusional Character to the next

I commit myself to stop all self abuse related to my ideas and beliefs of rejections, seeing realizing and understanding that "I', as I stand in and as Breath, don't have ideas or opinions, they belong to my Characters and that when I am debating regarding ideas and opinions I am NOT Here, I am in Character proving that I exist since I have all these things to show for my existence as ideas, beliefs and opinions so I must be Real, instead of seeing it is BECAUSE I am NOT real that I have piled up this arsenal of memories, ideas and opinions to make 'me' up and then 'live me out' as I literally consume myself as I try to Breathe in between all this stage fights among Characters looking for their own 'Air Time' while I suffocate myself as I don't see that sharing Air Time with Characters leaves me Breathless, thus NOT HERE and that I must be the One getting AIR TIME, ALL OF IT, for myself as the Physical to stop my existence of self abuse as Energy and within this, I commit myself to Breath as Life for myself and What is Best for ALL as existence, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think within my Secret Mind:

Fuck off, I don't need YOU I will show YOU ,You will see, You will regret it, You will miss me , You will never see me again, You'll never have another woman like me 

and for speaking the words : That's It, I'm tired of this shit, I don't have to take this shit, I don't give a shit, See if I care, I won't look back, You will never see me again, 

as I showed my fake indifference while inside I was full of reactions for my own perception of having been 'rejected or being about or in the vicinity of being rejected, suppressing my reactions so I could look careless and cool while I readied myself to leave, taking my things, packing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and suppress the fear of being rejected and the embarrassment at believing I could be or had been rejected as this would lead me to anger and then Self Pity for having been 'wronged' because how could anyone dare to reject me as I tried to make myself feel superior while I felt inferior, because the one who is rejected is less than the one that rejects and for then turning into a rejector, in fact rejecting everything and everyone before they could reject or think about , rejecting me which would put me again through this emotional sequence, failing to see it was never THEM abusing me but always ME abusing myself in and as the Character of Rejection, a bastard heartless Role that I commit myself to leave behind for good.

When and as I see myself engaging or about to engage in thoughts that I have now laid out as belonging identifying and defining this Rejected Character, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am NOT this Character and I bring myself back Here in and as Breath, not giving in to the obvious power play that this Character offers me as the temptation of the Energy Game, but breathing myself back to Stability, supporting myself with The 4 Count Breath to no longer participate in and as the Character of The Rejected/Rejector

 I commit myself to stop playing the Rejected Character, I am NOT The Rejected Character nor any of the other Character I play that I commit myself to delete One by One until nothing of Me as Illusion and Deception Remains, for myself and what is best for All as Life as existence, Equal and One

Day 83: The Value (De-Value) of Memory and Feelings

I am a memory card reader.

This is how I have created myself as the Characters that I exist in and as.

What I do is, I take a picture, charge it with emotions and feelings that require for me to separate myself from me as the physical and file it as me, as a moment of my Life that defines Me.

This is how I have reduced myself to just a bunch of memories, emotions and feelings.

I have had a lot of disturbing experience with memory.

The one that kept repeating is that I do not share memories of anything with anyone else, this always carried a question as well, do we even see the same stuff when we look at something with someone else ?

I tried to reason that we must, because we can take a picture of it, yet the picture that is 'objective' doesn't prove that we are in fact seeing the same thing.

If a woman is in the picture, we will both see a woman, yet the corollary information that come up with it about it are subjective, are the sum of our existences as Characters that become activated through thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When I met Desteni, I was going through a Memory overload, I realized I felt like a computer with a full hard disk wherein everything that I saw was associated to something else, it could be minor or major as in pictures of moments or places, but I had come to full load memory association, NOTHING seemed just what it was anymore, not even the toothpaste.

I have had 'bad' memory experiences with friends and partners as well, where I discovered that each one of us had filed a moment according to who we perceived ourselves to be while filing.

Many of the memories they treasured I can't remember, when I hear 'do you remember when..' I usually get a chill down my spine, because probably, possibly, I won't. A good part of my Life I have been hovering over my own experience by being stoned most of the time, my memories of those times are crammed and jammed, like if the memory sticks were not in alignment when the filing happened, and things and people and events have been filed randomly under the most non logical/sequential triggers.

I have better memory recollection of words and what I heard than the pictorial reality, I used to pride myself that I could repeat whole speeches from the movies I loved (Character), yet in time I discovered that apart from movies, even my auditory Memory is Selective, I pick and choose what I hear and what I file according to the Character I embody and support at the moment of filing.

I am both, the Character and the supporting Crew.

Some of my partners have better memories of me/us than I have of me/us, some have them worse (not many, I tended to outdo anyone in filing the worse part of any event, just in case).

When I came back to Italy I met with one of my ex partners of over 25 years ago, he told me the great things we did togeher and how much he learned from our relationship and how wonderful it was.

I was puzzled to say the least. We used to fight all the time and our relationship ended tragically after I left him telling him I was pregnant with someone else's child (my ex husband to be).

So, there were objective points that he could have filed to just delete me and just remember me as a bitch, but he did not, as he was 25 years older and I was possibly his last chance at his 'being in Love' Character, so he did not file a better story for me, he wanted to preserve a better story for himself, something that he could use to define himself as I file according to what I need to define myself.

Is there ever anything objective in reality when the people apparently 'living reality' are lost within Character plays and keep switching from One personality to the next, never being accountable for any of them because We Just Forget who we were when we committed to something or someone, it just takes a thought and, when not enough, a string of others, to lead us to the personality/Character that we need to embody next, to just have the upper hand, we have trained ourselves to move so smoothly between Characters that we ourselves would have never noticed, unless one day, we did .

So, Memories as the source of Characters that hold and generate specific feelings and emotions, generated by the Characters and belonging to the Characters we embody who are themselves based on memories that we have filed as Real, as WHO we really are.

And so when I/We say 'respect my beliefs/opinions, feelings and emotions', what I am/we are really saying is respect my Character, I have not attempted to take your Character down, WHY ARE YOU ? 

WHY ARE DOING THIS TO ME ?

Which is something I have actually said, blaming another for NOT giving credit to My Character, Look, BeLieve ME, I know what I said or did in the past, but it's different now (I am in  another Character), if you BeLieve me this time everything will be different, I know, I have changed (Character), this time I won't fuck up, I am wearing my Reliable Character, can't you SEE ?

Respect my feelings, let me be, let me pretend I am the Character that has these set of feelings and emotions, don't knock it down, I am not ready, I don't have another Character lined up yet, I'm too much in Character at the moment, so, this is the only thing I ask of You, support, support my Character so that if we really try, we may both BeLieve I  am real and You are Real Too, while the reel keeps running to capture the next moments that we can add as support to our Characters, feelings and emotions, to make it All More Solid and Real.

Or we can STOP and become Self Honest through a Journey, walking ourselves back to Nothingness, stopping All and Every Character we Play to come back Here, as Life, for ourselves and What is best for All as All as Existence, Equal and One. Join us.

Day 80: The "I make people suffer" Character

This Character originated in childhood, when I connected my mother's emotional and feeling response to my presence and my Beingness as the cause of her suffering.

I then went on using this Character because the idea and belief that I can in fact 'make others suffer' made me feel powerful, superior and above them.

This Character has a polarity, I can make people suffer or 'Grace them' both ways I am aware of the perceived potential to affect other people emotions and feelings, both ways I get to feel more than others, either by my power to make them suffer, through clever remarks and nasty comments always concealed as 'humor' or through NOT doing so, when I clearly saw an opportunity and I willingly gave it up so I could feel good about myself for Gracing them.

The interesting thing about this Character is that since it originated from guilt and self judgement it seeks guilt and self judgement in others, as if it could level the Field somehow of its own perceived inadequacies because when everyone is finally exposed for 'who and what they are' I get to re-experience both the guilt and self judgement, but I share it with someone else, or so I perceive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause and the origin of my mother emotional and feeling response when I was a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for how others perceived themselves as this led me to give away my own self responsibility for how I perceived myself and I made others responsible, faulty and guilty of what went on inside of me when around and interacting with them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause of my mother emotional and feeling response to me as a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the cause of my mother's emotional and feeling response as a Child, because if I were, that would mean 'she cared for me /about me' because only those that we care about can hurt/harm us and that meant I was close to her and she was close to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that one day she would no longer be hurt by my presence or what I said would lose its impact on her, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my grip on the emotional and feeling response of my mother because that would mean she no longer cared for me/about me and that we had grown apart since I have accepted and allowed myself to associate closeness to someone to the ability to make them suffer/harm them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about seeing this point within me because this point drags along a string of moments in my Life in which I sought and desired to make someone suffer/harm them to be sure that they in fact cared for me/about me because I did not know how else to be sure about their caring for me/about me, unless they suffered in my presence if and when I decided to exercise my perceived power to make them suffer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expose and subject my partners to this game in which I sought to make them suffer/harm them through jealousy or carelessness or grudges or nasty remarks, so I could check through their emotional response if they did in fact care about me/for me, believing that I could always fix it afterward once I had my energy fix of feeling important and powerful no matter the damage or the harm I had to inflict on someone to make myself feel good and cared for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could in fact harm others by eliciting reactive responses within them as if I were the cause or the origin of their reaction, failing to see that I was only playing this game within my mind, using triggers that I had identified within them, weaknesses that were already existing as their reactive points and that did not define my ability to harm or damage someone but my ability to seek out points of reactiveness for my own self interest within their perceived diminishment of themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as BAD, for having developed such a Character that sought the suffering of others for its own validation and existence as important and all powerful, failing to see that I have been Role playing with other Characters for the purpose of moving myself into emotions and feelings so I would get to feel Alive, it didn't matter on which end of the spectrum of Good or Bad as long as the Intensity as an energetic Charge was there for me to feed on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the memory of the first time I realized my  mother's reactions were dependent on me and what I did and how I behaved, which was the first time she shouted at me exiting primary school for having been told that I 'could have done more, that I was so clever but never applying myself fully' and so I connected my not applying myself fully to a display of interest in another for me, which even if it took the form of anger and shouting was better than not being noticed or validated and confirmed that I in fact existed and was alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this memory of my mum shouting at me for the first time, in public, outside school, in a place where I could be exposed for not having been good and having pleased my mother with all the sacrifices she did to send me to a private Catholic school, that sent me into fear and shame and a feeling of a cracking inside as if I split into two, was a Reaction that connected with that moment imprinted a memory on which I built a whole Character as the 'One that makes people suffer', even though I did not believe this to be true but I then embodied this character because together with the shame and the guilt and the fear, I felt energy moving and I felt alive and I held on to this desire for aliveness however and wherever I could get it, no matter how upset I would have to get others to get an intense energy feedback and re-experience the aliveness of fear and guilt and shame at the maximum voltage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to that one moment in my Life, failing to realize that I had just imprinted myself with a memory of a moment during which I had not been an effective solution or stood One and Equal to myself as my physical body to see and understand what was going on within me, instead I sought to suppress this experience due to the guilt and the shame and the fear I felt and believed to be me as who I really Am and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect that one moment to fear and shame and guilt and for believing those emotions to be who I really Am, instead of realizing it was just a movement of energy and I am not defined by Energy or Energy movements unless I accept and allow myself to define myself as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace sentences like 'hurt people hurt people' or 'who has been damaged is dangerous because they know they can survive' as reminders and re-inforcers of that one memory of a moment in which I perceived myself as having been hurt and damaged by my mother through the emotions I felt and believed were caused by her, not seeing and realizing I was the one creating those emotions inside of me out of the fear of NOT having pleased by mother and that now I was in danger for my own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not pleasing my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop subCharacters of this one Main Character that expressed in demonic writings, on which I unleashed all my suppressed emotions and blamed them on others, making them responsible for how I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself within my own self created reactions, and for spending a lot of time apologizing afterward, seeking the for-giveness of others for my thoughts/Words and deeds, hoping to be Graced because I had Graced them many times when I had not leashed out on them and made them responsible before that one moment for 'everything they put me through' and I had the right to be for-given for this one time in which I lost it and went Postal on them, yet what I always sought was my own Self-Forgiveness which I would not grant to myself because I judged my thoughts, words and deeds as unforgivable once the demonic rush was over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for ways to make myself right and justify why I was entitled to my own demonic possession which I believed and percieved were caused by imaginary harms that 'others put me through', failing to see I could never for-give myself what I would not own and take responsibility for because if I was NOT responsible I could not be for-given

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I craved and desired the for-giveness of others after I acted out this demonic energy possession and failed to see that I always desired and craved my own self forgiveness and my own standing as the Self Correction to make sure I would not give in to demonic possession ever again, no matter how righteous and Alive they made me feel while I allowed myself to be possessed and within this I FORGIVE MYSELF for who I have been as an Evil Character within the Play of Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my own Survival and for accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in a world where the survival of All is not Equally guaranteed but always dependent on 'something' external such as parents first and then a job and relationships, failing to see that such a set up would be a guarantee that all of us/me would have to compromise ourselves/me as Life to make sure we/me could reduce our Fears of survival to a minimum while trampling others on our way to safety, no matter what it took

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hold on to this Character as a form of self punishment that displays that I am Noble at heart because I can see my faults and won't dismiss them so easily, and within this create a Character that is judgmental and not forgiving of myself and others because I keep tabs of what goes on, of my expression and that of others, trying to keep the books squared and when always failing short, making up stories about why and how I came to lie and compromise myself and others so I could sustain the existence of some of my Characters while embodying others as cover ups of righteousness which were not real as much as the faulty ones were not ever Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this Character of 'having been harmed and damaged' as an excuse and justification about why I harmed and damaged others', failing to see that there were no others but Me, harming and damaging me in senseless loops of stupidity that I kept in place so as to never uncover the truth that none of my Characters were real but that in the process of creating Characters I perceived I had lost my self so much as I had con-vinced everyone including me that I was in fact those Characters and now I did not know how to go back to Authenticity or what it even meant as I had forgot to remember that there was nothing TO DO to become Authentic, or I would create another Character who was 'Authentic' in separation from myself, but to bring myself back Here in and as Breath, where I do not have to remember how to be Life because Life is Here and has always been Here while I was the one busying myself somewhere else within my Characters Creation

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the 'I harm people' Character or the precursor which is 'I have been harmed/damaged', I stop, breathe, remind myself I am none of these Characters as they live off memories and as such they are not Life, I bring myself back Here through breathing and stop my participation in and as a Character and Character Creation

I commit myself to become aware of all the Characters I embody so I may STOP the existence of me as a Character, becoming the Care taker of myself until I stop the existence of me as madness and delusions and nothing of what I have created that is not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is best for ALL exists anymore but Life as Breath Here, One and Equal for All