Day 406: Owner of a Broken Heart

My boyfriend left last night, it was not as a result of a fight but of a series of events that exposed beyond any resonable doubt, to him as well, that this relationship was based on interest and, de facto, it was a relationship, not an agreement.

Some of the things he said made a lot of sense, like the fact that he doesn't feel equal in his participation and he can't live with this, he said that since the question 'why are you here' on my side was recurrent when we had a fall out he admitted that the question kept coming up because this question existed inside of him as well.

I said that an agreement is a place where both work to make it work, while I was talking I wondered if I was just robotically acting out a speech.

A few things that he said triggered a feeling of being hurt, being offended, one was when he said 'story - which story?' when I was talking about us and then the next was 'are we free now?' and the feeling he couldn't get away fast enough - that triggered a feeling of rejection and of having been used.

This happened Saturday. I spent Sunday on the sidewalk of a pity party, I didnt join it, instead I spent the day watching videos on Mind Control and MK Ultra and Satanists seeking to put my very minor problem into context, I mean there are people that do blood sacrifices and traumatize children to turn them into perfect slaves, hello, talk about mental problems, I have just had a relationship ending.

Plus, I couldn't not notice the feeling of relief, of finally having the bed all to myself, of owning my time again so within one day I was pretty much stable again, I could even look at his side and see how we got here even though I knew that I would have to address those 2 points, the feeling of having been used and the feeling of rejection.

When I felt like crying I saw that the points that would come up were related to self victimization as in 'nobody wants me', this is a residue from something that happened with my mum that created this personality plus its a construct of hers who has lived her life as the Construct of being rejected due to her history with her mum.

When he came back today to talk to my neighbors about a job, I was stable and we could sit down and have a small chat, I was glad about this because the day he left I was possessed by the feeling of 'rejection' and when he said, 'if you need anything call me' to which I replied, 'if you need anything -don't call me' and on top of that I refused to shake hands and I didn't like myself for that.

Another point that came up was how I almost immediately wanted to move into evaluating this break up through my Money Personality to establish the amount of 'my loss' in material terms, proving that I am still run and not yet running/directing myself.

Good opportunity to rewrite the script.

In my next posts I will address these points with SF and SCA to move on and release these emotions and everything that goes with them.

Related articles

• Day 406: Let your Sins be Forgiven
• Day 406: Relationship Paranoia Guidelines
• Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership
• Day 407: Tylenol, the Magic Pill to Reduce Anxiety Over 'Existential Uncertainty and Death'
• Day 408: The Internal Politics of the Mind / Consciousness - Part 1
• Day 409: The Internal Politics of the Mind / Consciousness - Part 2

Day 283: The Fear of leaving behind Knowledge and Information

I had a dream.

In the dream I was spending time with one of my friends and his son.

He asked me if I could help him with his English homework and I said yes, so he came close and showed me his book, but I was dozing off and in the dream I realized I could not follow him unless I woke up, so I tried to wake up but when I did, I realized I would wake up from the dream and then the book -and the boy!- would disappear and I would NOT be able to help him, so I spent some time in the dream trying to wake up enough but not too much to have the book disappear and finally I managed a sort of balance but I was uncomfortable because I knew I was dreaming and that what I was doing was worthless, I could have woken up completely and then yes, the book would have been gone, but the boy too so there would be no loss, no one was REALLY in need of my knowledge and information and this sense of the uselessness of it all, made me choose the dream vs the reality of being awake, not caring about the point that what I believed in the dream was worthy and valuable, was not even real.

Who will I be if I let go my knowledge and information?

Do I need to let go what I know or the value I have invested in it as who I am?

If I hold on to knowledge and information as value, am I not part of this world problem that values Education as a reason why not everyone has the same worth and value?

Why do I fear facing the point of how much value I have invested in knowledge and information, what is behind this value point that I fear to lose?



Ok, so definitely a fear of loss of a definition of myself as knowledgeable, this is again a money survival point, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I had MORE knowledge and information then I was worth more in terms of my access to the Money world and I would have better chances at surviving.

So the point is a Value point in relation to my market worth, which as I wrote brought up another point of Value/Worth as being good looking but fearing that I would be exploited for that if I did not back it up with enough knowledge and information to not be taken for a ride, literally, so behind the knowledge and information point there is the acceptance that this is a man's world and I have to pile up credits as vantage points to be able to measure up, I see that this point is quite big because as I reach some of those points that have become who I am, I just want to write that this is a FACT, that this is a Man's world and I better not delude myself with some Pollyanna stories that resembles the positive thinking that I can THINK myself out of this one - so there is a fear that I can't let go this point because I need the extra value to compete with men for survival, when in fact the value I hold on to has become my very own limitation in stopping the ongoing competition with men in search for value I use to measure up to them - as in ability to turn Money and the fact that my value is now linked to knowledge and information which makes me feel vulnerable because I can always meet someone with more, just like with Money and then I will expose myself to the inferiority superiority game I have set up as I went and looked for points of superiority in fear of being inferior, accepting being inferior as a woman as a fact.



Of course this point rang true yesterday again when I watched Prof Wolff whose first talk I enjoyed so much, while the second one I watched brought up the value of education and left me feeling uneasy as I saw how he justified why some professors should earn more than others and I knew I could well follow the whole speech all the way to agreement because I hold on to this belief that education has worth and value without seeing that the worth and value education has is MY worth and value that I invested in it and that if I didn't -it would be worthless and just a tool to make myself efficient in the system, not adding or subtracting anything to who I am or to anyone else is -as Life.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value education as knowledge and information above Life, mine and of everyone else


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that without an education I would be worth-less and I would have to fear for my life and about how I was going to support myself in a world of men


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this point is especially alive when I am around men, as I showed to myself in my dream, where there were 2 men less knowledgeable than me and then I didn't want to wake up from the dream because I enjoyed my position of superiority in my imaginary competition in my Mind, in which I always set out to prove, to men especially, that they don't know Jack, that they are stupid, and that their position on top of the world is deceivingly gained and ill granted, when in fact I am the one granting it by holding on to my fear of being less that drives me to show them I am more at every chance I get


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not trust in my ability to reach a point of Equality with men because they only want to fuck you so you better have an arsenal of ammo in the guise of knowledge and information to prevent yourself to be taken for a ride or to believe all the crap they come up with, when in fact I don't need anything but my self trust that I can handle any situation as an Equal when and as I am faced with men who I perceive cannot be trusted


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make men that cannot be trusted, which in my mind is pretty much all of them, the reason why I can't let go of my knowledge and information as value, without seeing realizing and understanding that they were just my excuse for hanging on to the value I have divested of myself into knowledge and information -and to hold on to my excuse I had to make men worse than they are in my mind, make the threat of their presence real so that I would be justified in WHY I must hold on to that extra value, because I really really need it, instead of seeing realizing and understanding it is not about who they are around me but who I am around them that sets the terms of engagement, and that the only correction I need to work on is on me and that requires for me to take back all the value I have invested in something outside of my Self that I made more than me as Life as Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that it was me that set the rule of the game with men every single time and that as I set out exploiting my good looks as a vantage point I then had to back them up with knowledge and information so I could pretend that I was not in fact playing the Beauty game and that it was all in their Mind because look, I am knowledgeable and informed and the fact that you want to fuck me is Your Fault, when in fact I used knowledge and information as the smoke screen to keep playing the seduction game without paying the price of the unspoken promises that I put on the table at every deal, because I could

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame men and make them dangerous regarding how they responded to me and my seduction games through knowledge and information, building up case after case against them to prove it was their fault that they saw SEX everywhere I placed it and then magically deleted it through the use of knowledge and information to just leave them confused and wonder if they had imagined it all or if I had hinted that something may take place sometime if they would give me what I wanted, which was access to the same world they had access to, the men's world, and for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself by accepting that this world was not made for me but for them only to then live to fight my own acceptance and allowance, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that with knowledge and information I could aspire to more, be more, move more swiftly into the system as 'increased value' leaving behind those with less value as knowledge and information without ever considering that I should have looked for solutions on how we could equalize our value and make everyone equally valuable and worthy once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized that good looks as a genetic advantage could take me far, fear that I would be judged for the good looks alone and be made less, be talked about, be diminished as someone who only had That to offer and as such, pile up knowledge and information as my excuse to why I was rising up in the world when in fact it was just the way I looked that took me places and for living the guilt for looking good as an undeserved point of advantage that I had to match with a point I perceived I deserved for real such as knowledge and information, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I feared losing the good looks advantage so much that I stockpiled on another advantage such as knowledge and information, because I wanted to be advantaged one way or another not seeing realizing and understanding that through valuing external points above my Self I was in fact diminishing myself at every turn in the hope to gain more value for myself, a long lasting value that I could hold on to, either through looks or knowledge and information because I was for sure not willing to go down the scale of value to the point of having to accept any and every job to make a living, and for not considering the point of no choice of many others either in terms of looks or knowledge and information to give themselves the same access to resources as a Right to Live, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as I hold on to my value as knowledge and information, the world has the same right to hold on to this point as the reason why some are more worthy than others and for my participation in devaluing some so I could be more, so I could stop the fear of being in their place I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that those with a higher education have more right to Life than those with a lower education, because as I could not believe that those with better looks had that right as that was a 'chance' point, education seemed 'earned' to me and as such the right to More was 'earned' too and unquestionable, when in fact the point that not all have access to the same possibilities for knowledge and information invalidates this point for all, and as such I forgive myself for having been part of the supporting team of value of knowledge and education vs Life, One and Equal for All, with the same Rights, choices and access to benefits that would create a world into a heavenly place for All vs a heavenly place for me alone.

When and as I see myself facing a man and move or about to move into my All Knowing Character, I stop, breathe, do not participate in the fear of being less or the desire to prove something and bring myself back Here through breathing until I am stable

When and as I see myself experiencing or about to experience a full blown point of loss just because I did not participate in showing off my knowledge as a 'missed chance' to gain value for myself, I stop, breathe, remind myself that as I seek value outside of myself I am accepting my worthlessness as who I am and not my Equality with everything that exists from the lowest to the highest point of existence and see realize and understand that I can only be All or nothing and that I have to be no one to be able to be All of Us, willing to delete myself to stand as a point of no desire and no fear and to reach that point I have to consistently Not allow myself to participate in polarity games, no matter how tempting as value-adding they may seem

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Value lies in my knowledge and information or in my looks or in anything that I can find that is separate from me as Self and to identify where I still hold on to points of external Value to bring it All back to Self as Life as One and Equal, to stop this game of polarity and superiority and inferiority, for myself and All of existence, Equal and One

Related articles

• Day 117 - Self Honesty in Self Education
• Day 279: I Can't Hear You because I insist on Being Me
• Day 142: What is the big idea behind success?
• Day 284: Residing in Pompous-City

Day 274: Scare Tactics are Not Acceptable

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself as a way to make what I did Okay because 'I paid in shame'

So, having a look at this Character I can see other events in which I have done this out of fear of some outcome that I either didn't like or that I wanted to manipulate into a different outcome, let's unravel the Character History

Fear Dimension

'We wanted to talk to you' or 'I wanted to talk to you', spoken either by my mother or my grandparents, this was usually anticipating a long convoluted chat, during which I would be indoctrinated in what I was supposed to Fear, usually fears would relate to Future events, to consequences of me NOT doing what they "saw" was best for me, those words spoken in a specific 'calming' fashion would scare me shitless. 

First because since they had been 'so nice', in theory, there was no reason for me to fear what they were about to say when in fact at some level I knew I was about to sit for a Mind Control session against my will, second because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not in charge of my emotional experience and hence I had to sit and be battered by emotions and feelings as they saw fit to stir, until I would surrender in the grips of an anxiety attack.

My grandparents parading for me the worst possible future outcomes for my life and then saying 'we are saying this for your own good, trust us'

A memory of preparing to sit on the couch for 'one of our talks', fearing the talk, fearing not pleasing them because they were the strongest Money point in my family line, fearing to lose everything of my future if I didn't make myself endure 'that moment' with enough grace

Thought/Memory Dimension

The aftermath of my mother shouting and screaming coming to seek peace and harmony by saying 'please see I say this for your own good'

A memory of myself back in my room angry and anxious and my mother calmed down walking in to explain WHY she behaved that way and how she always had 'my good' at heart, I must remember this

Imagination Dimension

One day I will go away from Italy and I won't have to sit through this crap anymore.

Imagining how free I would feel away from Italy, all the things I could do without this constant brainwashing about fake morality of people who preached well and did not apply it

Imagining how soon the chat will end, skipping to the end and what I should say to pretend I was in agreement so they would leave me alone

Imagining not feeling this way anymore when I would be finally freed from the control of my family

Imagining that I would not have to worry about any of those things because my grandparents would die and I would inherit enough to live as they kept telling me -so- why are we even talking about my future.

My future is guaranteed, I have nothing to worry about

Internal conversations, backchats, voices in the head

Do I have to sit through this crap AGAIN?

What do I have to say to make you stop?

They are doing it for my own good

They know what is best for me

They don't know what is best for me

Reaction Dimensions

Feeling of Impotence - I have to sit through this

Feeling of being cheated into sitting nicely for brainwashing, Anger

Fearing the talk

Anger at myself for saying I did understand why they were doing that for 'my own good', when in fact I couldn't understand how would anyone scare people for their own good - how does that work?

Behavior Dimensions

Tightening of the chest

Stomach cramps

Ggrinding of teeth

Looking at How did I replicate this Character for myself and when and how do I activate it to manipulate others

Scaring my partners that I will leave them as a consequence of Their behavior/potential behaviour

Scaring children I was looking after to make them do what I wanted - told myself this was cool because I did not use the very scary thing some of my family used to scare me with (FOXES) , hence I was better than my family

Scaring friends by projecting for them a future they would not like so they would do what I saw was best for them now

Scaring someone I don't know by saying I will call the police as a consequence of their behavior

Writing scary letters exposing all the "nasty truth" about someone so they will come to their senses for their own good

Will follow with SF and SC application

Related articles

• Day 248: Moving Beyond Duality - Imagination vs Reality - Fear vs Desteni
• Day 273: Scaring Others for "Their Own Good" - Character
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni

Day 252: My Near-Life Experiences

I have noticed that sometimes when I hop into my Mind it is because I don't have the patience to just be Here and Breathe. Breathing Here doesn't seem so much fun or so much of "an experience", nothing happens, I am just Here breathing, so what?

And yet this is how we were born, Here, Breathing, seemed good enough at birth to take our First Breath, we gasped for it, people around a new born get frantic when they are not breathing, no one tries to have them engaged in Mind Games, we get it, without Breath there is No Life.

So the idea of Breathing Here being Not Enough must be sold to us as we grow up to have us all participate in this system, we are sold the idea that Life is the buying of experiences for oneself, possibly the best available experiences, the most exclusive-not just any experience and we are kept 'buying' through the FEAR of the other kind of Experiences we could be having without Money, so we make sure we'll do whatever it takes to get our hands on the Money that will allow us to buy a Life of MEANingful experiences, this is what keeps the system of Consumerism going, we seek for experiences outside of ourselves to define ourselves, to give MEANing to Life, because we have made Life itself into nothing and into Not Enough and hence we have condemned ourselves to this search for Real Life into delusions of our Minds, mistaking Life for emotional experiences where we 'feel something' like we 'feel alive' because if we don't 'feel alive' we must be dead.

It's weird that we could believe such thing, because we are here, alive, breathing, but if being here breathing is Not Enough, if we made it not Enough, we then set out on an impossible search that at best leads to unhappiness and at worse to grave mental problems as we compare our Life experiences - that we mistook for life- with the ones advertised or trumpeted in Hollywood Movies or books written for the purpose to show us what life should be and why we should engage ourselves to make it one of Those ways, if we want to be successful and make it and basically, Be Alive.

So, one point I see for myself is how I seek the Mind to validate the point that I am Alive by giving myself something 'to feel' about, which is not relevant in which direction, even fear will do, all it's better than the Nothingness of Breath, when in fact it's me that defined Breath as Nothing and Life something I have to buy for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the Physical reality is boring and that spending time in my Mind is way more exciting than just living in and as Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to buy into Ideas and Believes about Life being the sum of my experiences and as such for living seeking for the next experience, planning the next experience, remembering the last experience I enjoyed, turning the here breathing into something boring, obnoxious, too slow to be bearable, when in my mind I could be racing into many different experiences at once, while in breath I would have to walk myself breath by breath into anything I set out to do in and as the physical and I believed I didn't have the patience for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't have the patience to Breathe and be Here in and as Breath, as that would mean I don't have the patience to be Alive and for accepting and allowing myself to define living as the experiences of me as the Mind of memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when walking and breathing think 'this is boring, this is not enough' and then give myself license to get off into my mind to just entertain myself with planning future experiences, remembering past experiences, all the while accepting and allowing myself to believe that breathing Here is Not Enough, not good enough, not exciting enough, boring and for turning Life as Breath into a boring "activity" because there is no energetic experience for me to ride, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this is a process and that if it came 'natural' to me to just breathe and stop my participation in the Mind, I wouldn't be stuck in and as the Mind as the result of a process of accumulation of beliefs about what Life is as an energetic experience, and that I will have to live the patience to keep bringing myself back to breath in the face of the perception of being 'unnatural' to be out of my Mind, because I see realize and understand that I have always and only lived as the Mind and it will take time to accumulate breathing into who I am as stable self directive principle

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel discouraged because I only last a few breaths before some thought catches my attention and off I go, only to catch myself not breathing yet again and having to push myself back to breathing and out of the Mind just because the Mind is the place I am most familiar with and I dread having to walk away from my comfort zone and learn a new way to exist

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to buy for myself the experience of Life, which is what makes me feel unable to move when I don't have money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life is an experience I have to buy for myself and that if I can't buy for myself the experiences I have imagined were the ones I had to shoot for to give my life a meaning and a purpose, then I am not even alive but idle, waiting for the experiences I have defined as Life to manifest while I miss out on being here in Breath because I accepted and allowed myself to define Life as Breathing as Not Enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sell myself as Breath out for the purpose of gaining energy experiences in and as the Mind, where I could be the imaginary Characters of my own play, instead of walking consistently to build myself into Life in and as the Physical as the realignment to Oneness and Equality for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming fidgeting because 'I am just breathing', I stop, bring myself back into the physical, see realize and understand that this is a process and as it took me time to build myself into Characters in and as the Mind that feed off energetic charges, I will have to walk in time as Breath to be able to appreciate the simplicity of Life as Breath vs Life as Near Life experiences that were sold to me and I bought to make myself more than just Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into boredom, I see realize and understand it is me as the Mind seeking for an energetic experience and that I have a choice to not participate and validate the Mind as the Superior Experience vs Life Here in and as Breath and that it is the sum of these choices in which I will choose Life over the Mind that will build my stability as I keep bringing myself back here consistently until I am One and Equal to Breath

I commit myself to identify the points I have given power to as me as The Mind to take myself back from each one through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application until I can stand in and as the stability of Breath, for myself and All of Existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 198 - Day 5 - Forgetting the Breath
• Day 204 - Patience and the Breath - Day 11
• 163 - Miss Breath and Miss Opportunity
• Day 201 - We're All the Same - We All Breathe - Day 8
• Day 252: Awareness of the Law and God - ADC - Part 99

Day 245: Telling Stories Larger than Life - Character

When I was a kid I had a step grandfather whose storytelling would keep me so enthralled that I would disregard everyone's comments at the table of 'cut it out, stop exagerating', to which he would reply, "I am only making the story more interesting, more 'beautiful'"

One of the reason why I was taken by his storytelling was the HOW he changed stories to paint himself always heroic during the war or in his relationships, everything he did would be polished up or magnified, never made less, always made more and in turn himself More than he was.

This is the first memory that I have in connection to this Character that I played extensively.

The second memory that would be linked to this is of a time in my courtyard when I was reviewing and editing a moment I had lived, I was basically 'screenwriting' but backward, making myself play it all in the right way while saying the perfect flawless gobsmacking lines, the best lines of any interaction were always mine, I would steal them from everywhere, movies in which I registered a specific emotional content/charge, books where a sentence was just too good to be read just once, which is I guess why I developed the skill of listening in such detail, it was never to listen to others, it was to grab pieces of other peple's characters and make them mine, telling myself I 'could be that' and evoke the same emotion I felt when I heard the lines that were played out by others. Storytelling was a tool to 'move' people in my favour and was mainly based on the outcome I sought in terms of how I wanted others to perceive me, as the one always 'in charge'.

In charge, this words in Italian translates as "Incaricato", it would mean "assigned a role" and never in a million years, unless I translated it into English and then back again into Italian, I would have noticed the word 'charged' -caricato, which means both charged as electrically/energetically "charged" and "loaded".

This one of my Characters was one of the most uncomfortabe to play since I caught myself in my first editing, copying and pasting sequences in speficic orders to come out the winner, like all games, when you take away the surprise point, the game doesn't hold up as well, as tightly, which is one of the reasons why I always had troubles believing people that say "I don't know ' to anything or that insist they are not aware of a part they are playing.


Since I started walking with Desteni I have wondered if something in me was wrong from the start, meaning if something was not screwed as tight as it should have, like my head, because these leaks of awareness were always disturbing and still I don't know, maybe we all just "leak awareness" and instead of using our awareness to change or stop doing what we see clearly that we are doing, we suppress awareness every day a little more, we seek drugs and alchohol, basically anything that will help sort out the feeling that something is not right, I am not right, I am not even real, am I? Best to forget about it, play the part and then, if necessary, the storyline can always be edited and rescripted as if we lived it out 'right' instead of having extensively fucked up yet again.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of storytelling being more important than Life, larger than Life and for manipulating memories for the purpose of portraying myself as 'right' and 'more' in fear of being 'wrong' and 'less', I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I started to live to create a Character that could tell the stories of my life better than I could live them by being self honest, instead of stopping and not accepting myself to live as a Character for the purpose of story telling as Larger than Life and more important than self expressing and for believing that being liked and accepted by others was key to my well being and for this attempting or maneuvering to manipulate the opinion I imagined others held of me I forgive myself



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having the approval of others and molding the opinions of others of me into the perfect reflection I wanted shown back to me was important and that the opinion of others of me defined who I am, and for giving up my self expression to impress myself on others as an imaginary reflection of my own creation, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my self honesty as I aspired to create the perfect reflection of me imprinted in others, failing to see that it was not the projected image of me I needed to change, but myself in and as the physical to reach the perfection I aspired to and tried to reach through storytelling, and for failing to see, realize and understand that I spent my life working on a projection of me that was not real instead of realigning the Self that is real in and as the physical, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about the opinions others have of me, accepting and allowing myself to believe that what others think of me defines me, without seeing, realizing and understanding that what I thought others thought about me was MY creation and had nothing to do with others, and that I used others to project my own self judgements on them as their own creation and then make them responsible for how I experienced myself instead of correcting myself in and as the physical for real vs attempting to correct the image of myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others and then resent them for the creation of the imaginary projection of myself that I disliked and attempted to change through storytelling instead of changing my living expression to realign to the principle of 'not doing to others what I did not want done unto me' or to 'giving as I would like to receive'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed everytime I saw myself editing my life, because everytime I edited my life I lived a moment of conditional acceptance of myself and for not having accepted myself unconditionally for all that I had become so I could see clearly what I had to change instead of making up stories about having changed or about how changed I was, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not good enough, not interesting enough to just 'tell it like it is' and that I had to make up good stories about how in fact I was enough instead of addressing the point of why I came to accept and believe I was not good enough and as such create a Character that was 'better than me/more than me/larger than me' for any circumstance I lived in which I perceived I failed, did not do my best, didn't live up to what I knew I could live up to because it was easier than real change


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked about a story that involves me, instead of just 'telling it like it is' perceive myself moving into this StoryTeller Character, to embellish it, make it more fun, interesting so I can fulfill myself by having a bigger ovation, appreciation so I can feel alive and for separating myself from myself Here as Life in and as Breath seeking for myself as I missed out on Me having always been Here, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of playing this Character, not feel at ease or relaxed when I am asked to tell an event because I immediately move to turn any event into a 'story' to make reality bigger, better more interesting and within this, for making reality as the physical not good enough as I sought to enhance it in some ways, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a Character in which I feel physically constricted even in my movement as I stand into and as the Storyteller and for separating myself from the physical as me in search for more, in search for meaning, in search for a reason why I am even living, I forgive myself



When and as I see myself being asked a question and moving or about to move into the Storyteller character to find ways to enhance what I lived that didn't seem enough, good enough, interesting enough, I stop, breath, do not allow myself to step into this Character while I observe the triggers that made me desire to do so so I can at the first chance write them out and free myself from this role-playing once and for all


When and as I see myself about to tell a story and moving or about to move into my mind for screenwriting and editing, I stop, breathe, practice the tell it like it is beyond my fear that it won't be interesting enough, captivating enough, generating enough good reviews, practicing to not Role play until I can step out of this Character for good


When and as I see myself desiring to edit, screenwrite a story, even in the most apparently insignificant details, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have walked this Character and I wrote for myself instructions about how to move beyond the fear that my life may not be enough and then I just wak the script I rewrote for myself until telling it like it is become integrated in me as who I am


When and as I see myself having the thought that life is not enough in one of the many ways I found to let myself know that, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I fear losing is not Life but my ideas and definitions of what an interesting life should look like, be like and within this see realize and understand I have lived the most interesting life and yet I was never satisfied about it, because in the seeking I was never Here and in the Not Enoughness of my experience I lived as the not Enough-ness of me in separation from myself and for this I forgive myself



I commit myself to see realize and understand that Life in and as Breath is enough, that I am enough and that there is nothing More to seek, because in the seeking for More I make myself Less, until I exist no more


I commit myself to stabilize myself in and as Breath, in and as Myself realigning to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all as that is All I have ever been seeking for, the Oneness and Equality of Me with Existence as a Whole vs my existence as a Hole.


I commit myself to no longer live the Holeness of Existence and to walk the necessary steps to return myself to the Wholeness of Myself as Existence for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One.

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Day 243: Stopping the Fami-Lies Inside

This is a follow up to my post 'Have you kowtowed to Your Family today?'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am indebted to my mother because of all the Money she spent raising me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live like a Debtor within the Family system as my family claimed credits on my Life for what they did for me as I was growing up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the feelings of hatred I felt for my family that I believed to be me as who I am for this Debt that I felt was put on my shoulders since I was born without my permission, instead of seeing and realizing I was angry at myself for accepting to live as a Debt/Credit system as a result of buying into the Lie of Money and the Money System

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother saying 'with all I have done for you, you ungrateful asshole' and for feeling guilty and ashamed for being ungrateful especially because I did not understand how to 'properly' show gratefulness and get out of the 'ungrateful' cycle and for feeling inadequate for my inability to express 'proper gratefulness' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for how I experienced myself in relation to being indebted to them as I made them guilty and responsible for 'my state of mind' instead of taking self responsibility for accepting the Lie of Life being indebted and subjected to Money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that FamiLie were more important than anyone else because they could save my ass with Money in case anything went wrong in my life and for this role I gave them resent their very existence as the Money Lenders of the World, and for resenting the existence of FamiLies and desiring to be an orphan so I would not be indebted to anyone, instead of seeing I was the source and origin of the Debt system within me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live as a Debtor to my FamiLie because I accepted and allowed myself to react to the prompting of 'everything they did for me' as the reason and origin of my Debt, instead of seeing and realizing it was through my acceptance and allowance of myself as indebted that I stood as a 'subject' within the Family system, and for not standing on my own two feet no matter the triggers or the prompting to subject myself to the FamiLie -I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized that my FamiLie was Not loving or supportive, to feel entitled to participate in creating credits for myself by giving them expensive presents in the hope to buy back my Freedom from the Debt Slavery, without seeing realizing and understanding the point that as they themselves were Slaves and Slave Owners it was not up to them to let me go but up to me to no longer accept the servitude of the FamiLie system in the name of Money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my mother when she made a joke about this house being HER house and the Money deriving from it being subject to her approval of how I will spend it, because I accepted and allowed myself in one moment to move back into a position of Dependency and "being owned" while backchatting in secret that this will last only until I can get my hands on this Money and then our paths will part once and for all, instead of seeing and realizing that this is wishful thinking because I have been before in position of Economic Independence and yet this point of FamiLie ownership and Debt was not resolved inside of me - and for feeling guilty and disloyal for backchatting within myself about 'the day I will finally be free' while blaming my mother for my slavery -I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished as my mum attempts to pull strings, consciously or unconsciously instead of seeing, realizing and understanding she is just doing what she is accustomed to and it's up to me to not accept to be puppeteered around in the name of Money as I build myself into stability and consistency in and as Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother and the power I perceived she has over me regarding this house and the Money I can get from it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding she can only have the power I give her through my own abdication of Self responsibility for how I experience myself and for giving away my power hoping to diminish my fears of survival as I made myself part of an imaginary support system such as the FamiLie, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mother made the nth joke about Money and the House She Owns, to wish away the anger that I felt instead of addressing it and seeing how could I resolve this 'debtor anger' once and for All, and for blaming my mother for her Money jokes and her desire to keep me hooked on the Money line and judging her as a bitch I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum brought up the point of the Money she lent me to buy my first apartment that I have not given back to move into a reaction followed by a backchat about how I couldn't fucking believe she was bringing up this point AGAIN, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that when she automatically moves to make claims on my Life as a debtor, she is coming from a point of Fear, such as the Fear she told me that she might have to help me AGAIN in her old age and then her own survival would be jeopardized and for missing out on this point that drove the whole discussion which was fear of survival and for accepting and allowing myself to automatically react instead of breathing before I went into automated subjected inferior position for my perceived debts, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always sought harmony within my famiLie instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I sought their support to diminish my fears of survival and of being alone in the world and for living as fear of survival and fear of being alone in the world to the point of allowing those fears to drive my life and the decisions I made, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pass on this Money dynamics onto others over which I sought the power of Life and death, such as my staff or my employees, and for using Money to own people and to create debt inside of them toward me so I could balance the imaginary ledgers that I was juggling in secret within myself as the Mind, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I love my mum very much because when I think about when she will day I am overwhelmed by a sadness so great that it chokes me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am in fact overwhelmed by a fear so great that it chokes me as then I will be alone in this world with no one in my 'bloodline' surviving with me and being the imaginary support I have accepted and allowed myself to believe family is, and for living in and as the fear of being alone in the world with no support or anyone in my bloodline surviving with me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think about when my mum won't be around anymore and I will finally have access to some money that I won't have to justify to anyone how I spend, and for feeling guilty and ashamed about these thoughts of what will I do with everything that will fall in my lap at my mother's death, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to support a world in which we all lie to each other about the real role of FamiLies as the teachers and supporters of the acceptance and allowance of this system of abuse, and for becoming an abuser within the FamiLie as the FamiLie system in support of the system as it is, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that FamiLies come above all and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am separated from this World and everyone in it and that some are more important than others which is reflected in the Money System where some get more right to Life than others, and for supporting a system of Inequality and Separation as myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this World is Self and that we are all Equally Important with the same Right to Life and that we should give to one another what we would like for ourselves, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a position of inferiority to my mother due to Money issues, I stop, breathe, assess what is it I am reacting to that I have not yet cleared and as soon as I can write myself out into stability in and as Breath

When and as I see myself seeking to pick up the hidden meanings of my mother's jokes about Money so that I can move into automatic behavior using her jokes or remarks as triggers to not take responsibility for my experience of myself, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to respond automatically but hold myself here stable in and as breath

When and as I see myself moving into defense mode as soon as my mother starts the sentence 'I wanted to talk to you about something' as I have come to associate this sentence to a Money talk, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that whatever comes up I can handle it in the moment in and as breath and I don't need to allow memories or thoughts to run wild to show me what is coming and if I see memories as thoughts or backchat coming up, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to participate in and as it

I commit myself to no longer participate in feelings of being indebted or of inferiority to my mum just because of Money or Imaginary credits derived by 'everything she did for me' as I see realize and understand this is how we are keeping the debt system alive for everyone and I commit myself to release my debts and credits one by one until I no longer exist as the Debt and Credit system of this world

I commit myself to unconditionally support an Equal Money System so that no child coming into the World will be indebted to their parents or anyone else any longer as each Life will be supported from Birth to Death and the Life of All will be a given Credit and never again a Debt to be repaid.

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Day 238: Concerned about what I share

This is a new one, sort of.

Since a month ago someone from my past came back into my life -not really- but came back into my head.

And now everything I post gets first screened for approval to see if it's acceptable or not, if it will rock the boat too much and even to send 'subliminal messages' hoping some hints are taken, so that I don't have to speak up or say what is it that I am really going through.

This clearly showed me that I still very much care about what others think of me, I was just idle for a year or so since there was nobody left around me whose opinion I cared for, everyone had just upped and left where I had not been the one to do that first.

Of all the people that can read my Facebook page, for a while I was concerned with my ex husband, I feared the label of 'nutcase' for the Annunaki Reptilians stuff I posted, which is CRAZY -not even remotely as the things we believe at the moment about our creation important to note-, because I fear the association with anything connected to the Reptilians due to my own judgements of the Reptilians story the first time I heard it, when I bent in two in hysterics thinking THAT was the stupidest thing I ever heard, a race that created us as slaves to mine gold, come on people, a race so advanced to be able to fly around and land on planets at leisure, couldn't they come up with some sorts of robots to do that work, who would take a race and try to change their DNA (and how??) and then make them mine gold for them, and couldn't they get an alternate source of energy than gold, so many holes in that story, they just compounded to make the Russian yoga teacher that shared it with me seem more like a Space Cadet than she ever did before.

When I met Desteni therefore I had to drag myself through my own self created and then self inflicted sense of ridicule for quite some time and never really sorted it out.

I know the Annunaki Reptilians piece is one I find the most embarrassing to be associated with, even today, not because what they share doesn't make sense, far from it, Anu's interviews are on top of my list of Amazing things I learned in this Lifetime, but just because of what I have not cleared within me yet, this became painfully clear when I wanted to share a piece on Capitalism with a guy on the Economics thread and I went all the way to posting it into another of my blogs which is more anonymous, in fear that if the page opened on the Reptilians interview, EMC, EMS and myself would be dismissed as foolish and plain insane, that the point of the Reptilians would be abused to Not Hear and not even consider what was shared.

I even redid my blog removing all their interviews, I posted the other 'acceptable' interviews on Eqafe, the ones people can relate to more easily and there they can find the Reptilians as well.

Of course this added an extra layer of friction, as this point has moved through me in different phases:

Phase 1: the Ridicule phase - secretly laughing about myself

Phase 2: The Fear phase, what will people think

Phase 3: The "In Your Face" phase, I have got balls I'll share ALL the Reptilians stuff, watch me

Phase 4: Ex boyfriend on radar - what will he think of me, can I stand being a nutcase again, what if he doesn't like me/want me anymore, what if he wants to disassociate from me

Phase 5: Monitoring my posts, activate secret policeman to watch each post and 'imagine' my 2 new/old FB friends reactions, seek "meaning loaded" posts to share to shape ex boyfriend into new potential boyfriend I can hook up with

Phase 6: Shame

Phase 7: Suppression

Phase 8: Fear that sharing EMS and EMC on a page with Reptilians interviews will be scuffed and derided

Phase 9: Revamping my Blogger site to delete All traces of 'weirdness'

Phase 10: Self Disgust

Phase 11: Writing it all out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the Russian yoga teacher told me the Reptilian story based on a group trying to reactivate our lost DNA, to laugh and laugh and secretly ridicule her for her beliefs, because I thought' how convenient, to blame this fucked up world and our existence on imaginary brain damaged reptilians that couldn't come up with a better solution to dig out their gold than twist our DNA that resulted in the fuck ups we are today

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when considering the Reptilian story tell myself that such an evolved race would have come up with something smarter, something like robots to do their dirty gold job, failing to even consider that we may be the robotic creations of such a plan

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, whenever the word robot, robotic, automaton comes up relative to Humanity, to move into resistance as I don't want to be associated to a robot, robotic Creation or automaton because that makes me perceive myself as diminished, "less than" what I liked to believe about myself and humanity and our inherent -although invisible - greatness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was in the Taliban phase of Desteni, moving to obsess everyone around me with my 'discovery' of the Matrix, to share this information with my ex husband and when he replied to me 'The Matrix is NOT real, get a grip on yourself', to feel ridiculed and diminished and unable to explain HOW it was in fact real because I had spent evenings chatting with him after we watched 'The Matrix' movie to prove that it was In fact impossible to be living inside an engineered reality due to technical limitations, such as data storage, failing to see we were addressing this point from our own limited understanding of reality and how it all worked without considering the Creators' ability to manage the points we saw and deemed unmanageable without us 'sniffing out the truth of it all'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, first seek approval and support from those around me about this incredible story that made so much sense to me I had to share it and when that didn't happen and I perceived people shying away from me, to isolate myself and push away everyone else that may be a source of ridicule for myself as I sat imagining the kind of conversations my ex friends would have about me, just as I had about the Russian yoga teacher and the reptilians story and for gossiping about my Russian friend and ridiculing her about 'her' reptilian's theory, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand, that the reason why I ridiculed my Russian friend was because I feared knowing anything about this reality that may contradict my belief in the Benevolence of it all that I had managed to hold on to in the face of Reality as the evidence that there could be no benevolence in this creation of Inequality and Suffering and a God/Universe/ White Light that expected anyone to go through unspeakable life experiences for the Glory of....., and for submitting myself to fear as a way to not take responsibility for this creation as mySelf, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I met Desteni, fear that I would be forever changed by the information they shared and fear what I may come to learn about ourselves and this reality and within this fear to build up resistances to some information about the evident robotic nature of ourselves to the point of moving into reactions that I would suppress every time the words robot, robotic, automaton were written somewhere because I feared the experience of myself as diminished, belittled, dwarfed in the face of the truth that I never lived and that everything of me that I came to believe to be true was in fact a lie

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgement of others of me as a nutcase because I had been travelling and embracing many belief systems that I had successfully sold to others such as Law of Attraction, but I could not see how was I going to sell THIS ONE, as I projected on others my own fear of learning about this reality and the true nature of ourselves, even though I had already come to some obvious realizations about Humanity, such as the one that we are having Personality Disorders as the foundation of our interactions, and for believing that it is important that I sell a Theory to someone else to make it valid and true, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, instead of going to the root of my Fears relatively to these information, suppress it and create another Personality to handle it all, The" Bold In-Your-face- Personality, through which I mustered the courage to share the amazing Reptilians interviews, not from the starting point of sharing what I had found supportive, but from a 'screw you' starting point, to prove to myself that I could do it, that I had the balls to share what I came to learn was true and that other should learn as well so I could have their support and approval and feel good about myself again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when B and T contacted me and I felt the past showing up, to move into fear about what I shared, fearing that what I shared was not acceptable to be considered 'normal' or 'worthy of attention' and that if I did continue I would be labelled a nutcase or someone belonging to a cult, and instead of unraveling what was going on within me, I activated the policeman in my head to whom I would first ask approval before I posted to make sure what I posted was acceptable and I wouldn't have to face consequences from my posting, such as being ridiculed or being dropped for 'no longer being interesting -or sane' and for accepting and allowing myself to be driven by fear and the desire to be accepted, valued and considered sane in what I have been sharing now for a month, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized I was monitoring my posts through a policeman in my head, to move into shame and instead of addressing the shame to proceed to suppress it, pretending it wasn't there, just like the policeman in my head, because I feared the judgement of myself as weak and a man's puppet seeking for approval in the hope that I may get a relationship going for me if I didn't seem too insane or 'too out there'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when debating Equal Money Capitalism and Equal Money System on the Economics thread on Facebook and when wanting to share some writing about why we are not considering the system we live in, to realize I had fears of associating the information on EMC and EMS to Reptilians and for considering changing my whole Blog format before addressing the fears driving me to this point, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a wimp for changing my Blog format instead of seeing that it may make sense to not create additional friction in those who are attempting to consider a new system of Governance and that instead of judging myself as a wimp, I could have looked at this point practically putting myself in the shoes of another, asking myself if I could have handled both the information about a new system and the truth of who we are at the same time and that if I came to the understanding that it may be more beneficial to lead others as mySelf to Eqafe and allow them to work out the information at their own pace, I could have done so, not as a wimp but as a self directed decision about what is best for all and not what is best for me to either cover up or pacify my fears and that this is the point why we are pushing to move beyond Reactions, emotions and feelings, so that we can CLEARLY see what needs to be done and just move to do it, beyond self judgements and beyond energetic as positive/negative/neutral driven actions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not clear myself over this point for almost a month and for allow it to build up until I could no longer trust that what I was doing was in alignment with what is best for all because I did not take the time to clear myself enough to stand stable and move as self direction in the most effective and supportive way for all and for this, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into checking in my mind through a Secret Policeman what I am about to do, I stop, breathe, bring myself back here, do not allow my decisions to be driven by secret energetics within me in fear of judgement, self judgement or desires to be liked and accepted, instead I make sure that I am clear before I post what I want to share with others in alignment with what is best for all

When and as I see myself having doubts about what I have decided to do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I am having doubts I am not Here, because when I have been here in and as Breath I have just done what seemed common sense to me and if I am having doubts I first need to bring myself back here in and as Breath and if the doubts persist, I shall sit down and write down what is going on within me that stands in the way of my clarity before I act in and as Self directive Principle

When and as I see myself fearing that what I am about to do may have undesired consequences, I stop, breathe, assess if the undesired consequences I am fearing are real or just imagined through one of my personalities and when I am clear and stable I act in and as Self directive principle

I commit myself to no longer be concerned about what I share as I see realize and understand that when I am here in and as Breath, stable, not driven by any reaction, emotion or feeling, I am able to assess the outflows of what I am doing and evaluate the benefit of sharing vs the benefit of not sharing and to breathe before I act to make sure nothing drives me that is not mySelf as Self directive principle in alignment of Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

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