Day 371: Do I 'Mind'? Yes, unfortunately 'I Still Do Mind'...

I have been off my Mind Blogs for sometime now, mainly because I have not made the effort to overcome what was going on in my private life to find the Time to go back to self support as writing.

It would seem quite idiotic to not do the one thing that could effectively support me through this time of transition, but hei, this is the nature of me as The Mind, all about survival and no brains at all, no brains of the kind that helps to sort things out, this is why we remind to each other to go back to writing, when we don't we risk to be sucked back into Mind games, we risk self diminishment, self judgement, we risk to participate in meaningless tirades about who we have been, what we have done and everything we have participated in that we are not so proud of after all, instead of taking the time to just delete and move on, using the tools I have learnt with Desteni.

So, in this first blog returning from the Depth of Minding my own businesses, I will start with clearing the perception of myself as someone who shouldn't be entitled to write at all, because I have married many different causes before and I have seen me, as the Mind, using this specific point to belittle myself, to make sure that I won't have the balls to stand up because I shouldn't, because I have been a spokeperson for too many theories and belief system that I should have the decency to just shut up.

Instead, I won't. I will never shut up again, I have had many lives, none of which worth of any note because they were all targeting one point, my self fool-fillment and not seeking solutions to realign myself so that I can be one point that starts to broadcast Me as the World I want to live in.

Here is my self forgiveness on this specific point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to intimidate myself and bully myself about having lost the right to self expression due to the many causes and belief system I have been a spoke person for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could lose credibility if I stood up for Change because of my past and the past lives I have lived as a tarot reader, crystal healer, positive thinker and Abraham Hicks supporter, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that what I participated in doesn't define me unless I accept myself to be defined by it as who I am vs realizing that what I participated in was a quest to seek the truth about this creation and why I am here and in no way diminishes my ability to stand up and say I got it all wrong and I am now ready to realign and walk a process of real self change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to speak up, write blogs and share my new stance about existence and my role within it, I would be ridiculed and be told 'give it up already' instead of seeing realizing and understanding I have always feared my own self judgement about what I participated in for self aggrandizement and not the judgement of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when seeing the name of my ex pop up on Skype, go into an anxiety about 'what if he reads what I write and then goes on to tell others that I am now involved with this 'new cult' and that I haven't changed because I am still at it, talking about ways to change myself when everyone knows that 'people don't change''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think and speak the words 'People dont/never change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest value in my 'ex husband' opinion of me as more valuable than what I am doing to change myself and for accepting and allowing myself to freeze at the idea of him rolling his eyes in contempt about the fact that what I am doing is 'unscientific, not proven to work and is just an idea in my head - not unlike the many others I pursued before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play out in my mind the distress I would feel if such an event would take place instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just my own self indulged creation coming to bite me back and that I can correct this imagination point by deleting it and no longer allowing myself to participate within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared at the idea that I have compromised my ability to share with others in common sense because I have participated in a lot of activities that lacked common sensical investigation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am walking the consequences of my unaware participation in reality and that I can correct this point by standing unwavering accumulating common sensical points until common sense is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my lack of participation in writing due to what was going on in my private life, as adjusting to a relationship that turned out to be way more demanding than I first 'thought' when I did not evaluate all the points I would have to be involved with to support this person, until he can speak Italian properly and move independently without my help

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and filled with resentment because I accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship choice based on a nice solid ass, which is not much of a point one can base a relationship on, and for then facing the fact that I can't walk away as I have always done blaming him for not being able to keep up the pace of words with me, because I knew this point would need time and for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated at the amount of time this process is taking instead of seeing and realizing that learning a language is a time based process as one accumulates words and understanding and that it was my own ass-based assumptions that made it into something else before I entered the relationship, so I would not have to consider the time point which would have been a minus while I was wanting to collect only pluses to go and live out this relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself and then bully others because I did not take the time to unbully myself in writing to avoid passing on my self abuse in the form of abuse to others

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up points about my past participation as a way from preventing myself from writing out my mind and what is going on within me, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is just a form of self sabotage and that I have the choice to not participate and move to writing myself out instead

When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear the judgement of others about my current participation -yet again- within a cult-ish group, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing cult-ish about Desteni but the label someone attached to it as a form of prevention from having to face ourselves as The Mind and keep on walking my process in self support for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming impatient with my partner because he doesn't master words at the speed I do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there are many other ways in which he is supporting me and that I am singling out this point of words as an excuse to bully him and belittle him when I accept and allow myself to bully and belittle myself, so I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, do not accept to speak words in reaction that are not supportive and are creating consequences in mine and his life and instead offer the support required to him to be able to master this language in the time it will take - that cannot be set by my ideas or opinions about it in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself desiring to blame him for my lack of participation within process, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that this is in fact self Dis'One-est as it has never been his fault if I faded away but my own responsibility to not give in to the Mind in self doubt and self judgement until I had to push to stand up again and keep walking

I commit to no longer suppress what is going on within me to the point of accumulation but instead to support myself through writings, SF and SCA until I can stand stable to keep walking my process with my group as the seed of the Humanity that will come, One and Equal, until it's done

Related articles

• 289: 'Be Positive' says the Distraction
• 276: Pimples, Projections and Perceptions
• 295: The Hidden Ego

Day 357: I am not 'The Fonz'

When I was a kid there was a show on TV called 'Happy Days'.

I liked The Fonz, he was the cool guy of the group and while I liked everything about the most famous show ever to introduce both 'The American Way of Life' and 'The American Dream', I liked him best because everyone was impressed by him and everyone feared him.

It is amazing to look back at the models that shaped who we have become as we have picked and mixed people's characteristics to come up with personalities decent enough to walk on the stage of this world without feeling lessened by our own presence and how much Hollywood worked hard to churn out more and more characters that we could copycat, finding our own 'originality' by piecing together the things that stood out as 'valuable' -to create value for ourselves, never realizing how unoriginal in fact we have all become nor that the people we worshiped where characters too, that outside of the screen they had troubled lives more often than not, lives of which we knew nothing nor cared to know about because we were always and only looking for 'accessories' to add to our 'projected images' so that we may be more than others as we accepted that life is nothing but a competition for survival.

One of the most famous of Fonz quirks was his inability to say 'I'm sorry', understandably so, he was the coolest guy who was always right and when not he could make others so afraid they would be the ones conceding to him that they were wrong infact.

So I associated the word cool with 'never say sorry' and this is one point that came up the other day when I did something I could have avoided, someone around me reacted and said what I said was hurtful and made him feel exposed as if there was no safety in our relationship and then because I couldn't in the moment say I was sorry I went on to list what He had done wrong which was more serious, had more weight, was more reproachable than my joke, all the while entertaining the nagging feeling that I could have just said 'I'm sorry' and stop myself from participating in needless retaliation seeking to be right at all costs when I was not at all.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that saying 'I'm sorry' within intimate relationships is Not Cool and for defining coolness within the behavior of 'never say I am sorry'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be cool because being cool meant an extra buffer between me and the rest of the world which I believed I needed for extra safety instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was just afraid of others because I feared myself and what was going on in my mind about others and I assumed they may have the same stuff going on about me in their mind -and that was frightening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking the words 'I am sorry' within an intimate relationship, to perceive a loss of power, a diminishment in the admission that I was wrong and had made a mistake instead of seeing and realizing that by my saying 'I am sorry' I was in fact correcting the mistake I had realized I made and not in any way diminishing or belittling myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear saying 'I am sorry' within my intimate relationships in case the other was keeping a black book about me, as I did about them, where they noted all my mistakes so they could call me out any time like my mother did and like I did to others as I copied the pattern of behavior that my mother showed me within a 'close relationship'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes in case they would be held against me for the natural duration of my life because I never seemed to do good enough to delete my mistakes from the black book my mother held against me and for believing that it was appropriate and convenient to hold a black book of others' mistakes so I could use them to put them back in their place whenever I saw fit or whenever I felt myself threatened into having to admit I had made a mistake myself but theirs was graver, more serious, they were in fact wrong-er than I ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that we have to participate in this score keeping about others and our own mistakes, never letting go and within this supporting the construct of the unforgiving nature of this world because what is acceptable for me, what I allow in the small manifests in the big and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that there is no value in score keeping regarding miss-takes of myself or others but only in the practical application of my correction as I show myself that I am taking response-ability for my words, thoughts and deeds all the way into self correction and as I keep walking my self corrections I accumulate the self trust about my ability to change, my ability to not repeat what has not worked in the past for myself and others equally and within this self trust I can trust others, I can give others the benefit of the doubt so that they too may walk their self correction instead of being held down by my ledger of wrong doings that defines them and me equally as unforgiving and unforgiven

When and as I see myself feeling resistance when I see that I should apologize for something I said or did, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen clearly this point as a desire for value above another and that I no longer want to support my mind's desire to be more than another through my unforgiveness and that I want a forgiving world for myself and others so that we may realign to Life, let go of all our past mistakes and move together to find solutions that work for all

When and as I see myself desiring to take out my little black book where I mark other people's mistakes, I stop, breathe, tell myself that those little black books are the holes that we dig for ourselves individually and collectively and I no longer wish to be part of this system of blackmail of each other through our past mistakes, instead I breathe to let go and make sure I don't file anything about myself or another for later use

When and as I see myself fearing to lose value within a moment in which I can clearly see I should apologize, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no value in being right and making someone else wrong, that this values are only values of me as The Mind ans as such not valuable at all, instead I move for the value of supporting another as myself, as Life, within a movement of forgiveness of myself to end the desire of wanting to be right making someone else wrong as I see realize and understand that a forgiving world requires my forgiveness, the absolute forgiveness of myself first so I can extend it to others one and equal

I commit myself to, whenever I see myself being wrong, before I move into the Mind to look for excuses and justifications about why I am entitled to do so, be so, act so, to stop, breathe and ask another the forgiveness that I grant myself in the breathe I take, before I speak to take my responsibility for an interaction that did not work out to what is best for all.

Related articles

• Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia
• Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You

Day 325: When Self Realizations don't fill Our Words, yet.

I have had the most interesting experience since writing my yesterday blog on Self Forgiveness.

That blog was a result of a moment that I shared with someone who has actually self realized Self Forgiveness as a living expression of himself and so the experience I had was the result of riding on someone's words, until the words filled me with the experience itself. 

I know I got it because I spent a few moments in and as this realization and I could perceive it as if it was my own, I touched this Creation for a moment and the Creation and myself were One.

And as I sat down to write the words that would contain this experience, I know I did my best to line them up to deliver the experience itself again and it took me some time, because they were not lined up right, I could feel the experience becoming elusive as I tried to frame it within my words and so I had to adjust them, mold them until I tried to bend them to do what I wanted, which was to put this experience into them, force it there, so they could carry it for myself and deliver it to others as One.

But when I read my post, as I still had the memory of the experience  I saw that the 'word' was not there, my words were not full enough yet, they did not contain THAT specific experience that I lived for a moment as me, where I saw the utter Beauty of that One Point in the midst of the confusion we live in, the noise that goes on in our Minds that never leaves enough space for words to be filled by me, as me, and so I experienced the frustration of being unable to replicate the moment as I lived it, specifically because it was not delivered to me in any grand way, wearing white robes or with cherubs playing the harp, there was no speaking in tongues, there was no touch, no no, instead it was given to me in utter simplicity, through living words that carried the experience within themselves because the person that spoke them and his words, were/are One.

So, today, I am just writing a note to Self, to remind myself that filling all the words I have used so far in separation as the Mind as Energy, is a process, that will flourish with accumulation of me as my words filling them one Breath at the time, returning to them myself as Life as One, so I will no longer be separate from them and when I shall will myself to speak or write to make something clear for myself and others, equally, they won't be just partially filled with me, but they will be me, as One, and then my word can become the Living Word, as I live as my words, as One, no longer indulging in separation from myself as words seeking to experience myself in-dividua-lly but experiencing myself as One with myself and Existence in every moment of Breath.

So now I have a yardstick, I have been gifted this experience as a measure to align myself to and I am enormously grateful for it and within this, here is my self realization for today of the why we work on Words at Desteni: because my words, our words don't yet contain ME/US, they are crapped up with stuff, emotions and feelings, memories, opinions, they are biased, I downloaded a whole biased vocabulary from those that came before me and then I went out and lived it as me.

I am still a carrier of duality for now, my words are dis-eased and so my words are still blanks and this is why when I use my words sometimes I can't hit the target as the delivery of a point in such an unbiased way that the other can zone in and get it, as I experienced it for myself, beyond any reasonable doubt, hence they are for me to fill with Meaning in alignment to What is Best for All and this is how I will return Me-aning to my words as myself, as One.

So the process we are walking is to empty our words, with Self Forgiveness and then design the new words (which is what Self Creation is all about) with our self corrective statements and word redefinition, so that my words carry the meaning I have put into them as mySelf and not someone else's meaning, so that my words and I become One and then finally I'll be able to do My Living and stop doing Someone Else's instead.

Clearing Words is a Process, find out how it works at Desteni, go on, get yourself a Life.

Related articles

• Day 320: Spoilt Words - Spoil Worth
• Day 324: Desteni Witness - The 'Scam' and Secret of Self Forgiveness
• 211: ImPosing My Mess (Mind) on Others
• Day 45: I Testify - Here is My Witness-Statement
• 369. Desteni: An Insider's Report

Day 285: Anger Galore

Odd day.

It started with a phone call that made me angry, the usual lady that makes it her reason to live to try and slip her responsibility for her health on me and everyone else while we are not watching.

In the afternoon my mother, who got annoyed because I told her she was welcome to come and visit but I missed the point of "Easter' and why we had to do something special for it -when we never did. Then she said 'I thought you may be going somewhere' and I said 'how? I'm broke, where can I go?' and then she got angry because I mentioned Money when she now believe I have more than her, meaning I should accept my sacrifices happily and not mention them, because WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE THEM, It's Life.

Then I went to pick up the cable of my printer from a guy that pretended to fix it for 25 euro and turned it into a copier that no longer wants to behave like a printer.

And finally my teenager student came and she had to be dragged for 1.5 hours through her English homeworks while we negotiated every single step 'read aloud' 'I will if you don't make me do exercise 5 and 6" a point we had to negtiate because her school teacher 't forgot to ask them to complete the exercise page, we agreed she could complain about them but would have to do them anyway - she resorted to read half a page like an imbecile - just to spite me.

When she left I was tired.

I watched a day of anger go by and participated in all of the above instances a little more every time as they accumulated, I had to tie myself to the chair to not smack the book on the head of my student, that's how fare I allowed myself to accumulate in a day alone.


There was another event in the middle, I read a post on a site that does nothing but Gossip about what we do, I wrote 5 answers to it and deleted them all because I was aware I was reacting and pretending not to.


So, what can I deduce? I cannot participate in anger at all, it doesn't mater that I do not display it or engage in it outwardly, the inward movement is enough, it's plenty in fact to pile up an energetic trail to a gun powder deposit, I should know this, have had memorable anger outbursts in my life and they all started seemingly innocently, and specifically, they were never my fault :)



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at A. for trying to do what she does all the time, failing to see it was not a personal movement she had against me, but simply an impersonation of one of her main characters that I took personally and to which I reacted in anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anger is real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when reading the troll website commenting on what happened on Quora and for engaging my anger into writing replies meant to knock some sense into his/her head, when in fact this was an excuse to vent my anger instead of stopping myself from reacting as a self directive principle


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I went to pick up my cable to give in to the irritation for not having been given back the original cable as I anticipated that my printer would not work - which it didn't, and within this for moving into disappointment as suppressed anger I did not want to look at, instead of stopping myself, breathing and bringing myself back here in and as breath, back from a day lost in emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I spoke to my mother and I could feel the irritation mounting up regarding Easter as a point of nonsense to reply in Character instead of hearing what she was saying beyond the Easter point, which was to come down and visit and spend some time together, and to justify why I did not want to hear I told her why was she asking 'where was I going for Easter' as she knew I had nowhere else to go, playing the victimization point which I did because I was not here or I could have seen how stepping into that character would have played out to her, being the one who has halved her income to support me and within this, for looking for a reason why I had a right to be angry, such as the point of her underlining that we are all making sacrifices, to look at that point like it was her fault, that I inherited an acceptance of life as sacrifice, which is nothing else but another shift of responsibility, blaming her for the beliefs I have accepted and allowed instead of standing to no longer accept and allow Life as sacrifice for no one, not her, not myself and not anyone else, which is why I stand as One vote for an Equal Money System for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I now feel angry, to compare how much more I used to give in to anger as a way to compliment myself that I am not that bad after all, as to say 'look, I have changed so much' failing to see that I use comparison to my worse self as a justification to why I don't have to stop and why I can't stop because My past of Anger is quite populated with outrageous acts of possession, instead of not using comparison as a justification to why it's OK for me to participate in an energetic reaction, no matter how small it seems as I forget that energy accumulates into those possessions that never came by chance but through my participation in anger one step at the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my student arrived and I saw she was moody, to start going into a resistance to her behavior until we went into conflict and instead of stopping myself with breath, try to harm-wrestle my position of power as a teacher and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in a situation of conflict one should always win and that should be me, instead of breathing myself back into stability from where I could look for a solution that is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I move into anger, look for reasons why my anger is justified, to look for why I could later claim that 'I didn't start it' when in fact the day ended proving that I do exactly what A. tries to do with me, try to shift on others the responsibility of my behaviour instead of taking responsibility for my participation in anger, no matter how good an excuse I can find to motivate why I am in fact entitled to it.



When and as I see myself approached by people that I interpret and define as moody, angry, irritating, annoying, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand I am looking and them through the filters of some Characters and not as myself as Life beyond judgements born out of memories and opinions and I support myself to breathe to bring myself back to stability until I can see in self honesty I am no longer participating in anger in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself looking into my anger archive to find other 'worse moments of anger' in my files to prove to myself that I am entitled to this 'little movement of anger by comparison', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to compare my energetic participation of the moment with my previous participation as an excuse and breathe to stop my participation in anger beyond any good reason I have found up to then that proves I am entitled to it

When and as I see myself moving to play back in my mind the 'anger incident' looking for how I can explain why I was entitled to get angry and how I was not 'the one starting it', I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to participate no matter what I have told myself about 'who started and who carries the fault therefore'

When and as I see myself trying to blame another for my anger, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to shift the blame or attempt to shift the blame on another



I commit myself to consistently stop my participation in anger and my belief that anger is real and one and equal to me and who I really am and to catch myself in the slightest beginning stages of my participation in energetic reactions to learn to effectively stop myself for good, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• 128 - Part 7 - Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot
• Day 341: Without a Care in the World
• Day 220 - Me as Anger/Resentment/Resistance in Relationship

Day 274: Scare Tactics are Not Acceptable

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself as a way to make what I did Okay because 'I paid in shame'

So, having a look at this Character I can see other events in which I have done this out of fear of some outcome that I either didn't like or that I wanted to manipulate into a different outcome, let's unravel the Character History

Fear Dimension

'We wanted to talk to you' or 'I wanted to talk to you', spoken either by my mother or my grandparents, this was usually anticipating a long convoluted chat, during which I would be indoctrinated in what I was supposed to Fear, usually fears would relate to Future events, to consequences of me NOT doing what they "saw" was best for me, those words spoken in a specific 'calming' fashion would scare me shitless. 

First because since they had been 'so nice', in theory, there was no reason for me to fear what they were about to say when in fact at some level I knew I was about to sit for a Mind Control session against my will, second because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not in charge of my emotional experience and hence I had to sit and be battered by emotions and feelings as they saw fit to stir, until I would surrender in the grips of an anxiety attack.

My grandparents parading for me the worst possible future outcomes for my life and then saying 'we are saying this for your own good, trust us'

A memory of preparing to sit on the couch for 'one of our talks', fearing the talk, fearing not pleasing them because they were the strongest Money point in my family line, fearing to lose everything of my future if I didn't make myself endure 'that moment' with enough grace

Thought/Memory Dimension

The aftermath of my mother shouting and screaming coming to seek peace and harmony by saying 'please see I say this for your own good'

A memory of myself back in my room angry and anxious and my mother calmed down walking in to explain WHY she behaved that way and how she always had 'my good' at heart, I must remember this

Imagination Dimension

One day I will go away from Italy and I won't have to sit through this crap anymore.

Imagining how free I would feel away from Italy, all the things I could do without this constant brainwashing about fake morality of people who preached well and did not apply it

Imagining how soon the chat will end, skipping to the end and what I should say to pretend I was in agreement so they would leave me alone

Imagining not feeling this way anymore when I would be finally freed from the control of my family

Imagining that I would not have to worry about any of those things because my grandparents would die and I would inherit enough to live as they kept telling me -so- why are we even talking about my future.

My future is guaranteed, I have nothing to worry about

Internal conversations, backchats, voices in the head

Do I have to sit through this crap AGAIN?

What do I have to say to make you stop?

They are doing it for my own good

They know what is best for me

They don't know what is best for me

Reaction Dimensions

Feeling of Impotence - I have to sit through this

Feeling of being cheated into sitting nicely for brainwashing, Anger

Fearing the talk

Anger at myself for saying I did understand why they were doing that for 'my own good', when in fact I couldn't understand how would anyone scare people for their own good - how does that work?

Behavior Dimensions

Tightening of the chest

Stomach cramps

Ggrinding of teeth

Looking at How did I replicate this Character for myself and when and how do I activate it to manipulate others

Scaring my partners that I will leave them as a consequence of Their behavior/potential behaviour

Scaring children I was looking after to make them do what I wanted - told myself this was cool because I did not use the very scary thing some of my family used to scare me with (FOXES) , hence I was better than my family

Scaring friends by projecting for them a future they would not like so they would do what I saw was best for them now

Scaring someone I don't know by saying I will call the police as a consequence of their behavior

Writing scary letters exposing all the "nasty truth" about someone so they will come to their senses for their own good

Will follow with SF and SC application

Related articles

• Day 248: Moving Beyond Duality - Imagination vs Reality - Fear vs Desteni
• Day 273: Scaring Others for "Their Own Good" - Character
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni

Day 222: You are Nobody Till Somebody Loves You - Character

With this blog I am going to investigate the point of 'romantic relationships' what they meant to me, how I built my life around them and how I felt justified to suppres it all when I boarded the Desteni Process, just because I started process from the point of 'renouncing' what I had understood so far 'living' was. Hence since relationships were one of my big fuck ups, I would give them up for good.
This decision came with consequences, some of which I have already written about and some that I will explore in the following days because this point is quite large which is another reason why I did not want to take it on, plus of course, to leave for myself another chance at the "experience of relationship" when I would decide I wanted one.

'Renunciation' as a point came up as I was chatting with a friend who is walking process like me and while I had become aware of my fear of being attractive, I have not dug into the why as "Fear of relationships", as feeling exposed to the possibility that someone, somewhere would come along and tell me 'I love you' and then off I would go back on the Merry go Round of Feelings and Emotions, spinning out of control, sabotaging everything I Have walked so far.

So, as I have been wobbling walking process for a week now as I fought like Luke Skywalker to push down everything that was coming up after my first love came back on the scene, and as I said to myself for a few days, gotta write it all out, I kept postponing in fear that I might lose my last chance at a 'high' so to speak, when in fact for the first time I have created enough 'space' inside myself to be able to realize what I was doing and that my fears are unjustified and they need to be released.
Many points came up about why I told myself 'never again' with regard to relationships and I will walk them all, but as I prepared to gather all these points inside of me to see more clearly, this song by Dean Martin popped up.

At the time when I praised and practiced "Romance", this song used to make me cry. Few days ago when the theme popped up again I felt angry, and I started to look at all the songs I have memorized about love which have more or less the same take, how insignificant we are without Love, minuscule, Nobodies, scum of the earth.

Interesting that within that perception of ourselves we then WALK into relationships, in my case looking for a fix to everything that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not, a sure recipe for disaster, because once the ride of the emotions and feelings ends, we fall on our asses, we fall to start with, as we board the Love delusion, that's why is called "Falling in Love", instead of staying firmly with our feet on the ground beyond emotions and feelings to see how supportive a relationship can truly be, if there is a chance to expand and grow together, if we can make a commitment that will last because we'll put in the work to make it last.

So, as an Italian, as a representative of the CULTure of Love, I was exposed since I was little to Love Songs, which are nothing more than Codes, codes that we write within ourselves and then accept and allow to set standards and guidelines about 'what relationships should be about'.

Many of the Love songs I listened to were about tragic Loves, she left, he left, she died, he died, she was unfaithful -he killed her (this is possibly only in our Culture :)) but then he went to jail and spent his life thinking about her, she was betrayed but then She Survived, She Was Strong Enough etc.

Tragedy apparently is the best ingredient for lyrics, we make movies with happy endings and songs with tragic endings, as a living example of our bipolar existence of desires and fears as The Mind, plus artists seem to need that kind of kick in the face to get moving, to 'express' themselves as their sorrows.

So it is no wonder that since an early age my life revolved around the idea of romance and great love, I was Nobody until somebody loved me, never in a million years can mothers who don't love and accept themselves unconditionally teach their children otherwise.

My mum was not very romantic, but she was man-dependant, it is really weird because she always ended up in poor relationships that led nowhere, my father left telling her he was going to buy cigarettes after 3 years of marriage, the second long relationship she had was with a gambler she ended up supporting financially as well and that would belittle her at every possible chance and what I saw was always a very capable woman who went into a wobble around men, her behaviour was kind of disgusting to me, the fact that she would lock herself in her bedroom on Sundays and wail and then come out all bothered with red eyes, led me to think that living relationships with men from the starting point of 'need' was demeaning and embarrassing.

This is how and why I developed a relationship personality specifically for men which backfired big time Sooo many times one would think I would have revisited and corrected myself. But NO, I did not, instead I created layer upon layer of justification about why I had a right to exist in such a spiteful way, always trying to be in control so I wouldn't have to live as my mother lived, as a woman diminishing herself day by day, seeking the 'love' of a man just so she could be somebody, ending up exactly like my mother in a suppressed denied version, and by the time I ended my relationship with my ex h., there was little of me left at all.

Tomorrow I will start to walk my Self Forgiveness about 'Who I have been within relationships with men' to return myself to me, to stop this diminishment that creates cravings and creates backdoors for self manipulation into emotion and feelings, as it has happened to me this past week, so I can just "feel" alive, one last time.

Related articles

• Day 213: The Loop Designer - Character
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You

Day 216: The Gangster's Moll Character - Self Correction

This is a follow up to my yesterday's post 'The Gangster's Moll'.

I will walk the Fear, Thought, Imagination, Backchat/internal conversation/ Reactions (Emotions/Feelings)/ Physical Behaviour and Consequences of this Character I have created

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment when I was growing up and to separate myself from it within my mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear boys that gathered together in a pack because I had experienced that when boys were in a group, they were worse than when they were alone and you never knew what was coming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to be less than boys as a result of a 'I show you mine if you show me yours moment' when I was laughed at and was not shown theirs and that left me feeling duped, stupid and inferior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if anything I desired, such as physical contact with boys, should happen, they would tell and I would have to be ashamed of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my own desires for boys and the physical contact with them due to how that contact/touch made me feel and fearing I was not allowed to feel the thrill of the touch of another because that made me "bad"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'bad' for enjoying the touch of another in the physical and for separating myself into suppressed desires in fear of my own judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the boys in a group within an underlining desire that they would gather and take me, so if they did touch me I could skip the shame as it was their responsibility and fault and I had just been overpowered to do what they 'ordered' me to do

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that boys were dangerous in a pack and for filing memories with a danger label just so I could cover up my own desires to spend time with them and exploring each other physically

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a whole imaginary world around boys being BAD and dangerous, as I projected outside of myself my own self judgements of myself as being 'bad and dangerous'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, due to the imaginary world of projections I created around boys and how they were to blame for what I experienced and the desires I suppressed to spend time with them without being scolded or called a whore, to create an experience within myself of Fearing Men, when in fact what I always feared was just myself and my own self judgements

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to internalize comments about women and what a 'good woman is all about' which did not include mingling with men even though I enjoyed the presence of men around me, which led me to always be suspicious and on the defensive when I found myself around them, fearing my own reactions I believed I had no control over

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I wanted to be 'a good woman' whatever that meant, because I thought that good women had more value in the eyes of society than bad women, when in fact within this division and labeling there was just a game of blame and judgement going on, within which all women hid their own desires for the company of men but due to their own self judgement they refrained from doing what they really wanted and spent time pointing fingers at those who were more free and went for the experiences they wanted to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I didn't like men and their behaviour, simply because men were out to get what they really wanted, which was sex, which was what I also wanted but I couldn't allow myself to say so because if I did I would be a 'bad woman' and I feared I would no longer like myself then

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I kept this charade up to hide my own desires, create internal conversations to justify my view regarding the 'badness of men and their dangerous behaviour', to the point that I created fears within me regarding the men world as a result of my own dishonesty and then, as a result to the rising fears, I had to seek protection for myself against Them, and that led me to creating a Character seeking protection that developed into the full blown 'Gangster's Moll'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions of inferiority toward men as, while I was obsessed with them and their presence and I perceived myself changing around men, they seemed more relaxed as they went for what they wanted, or tried to and if they did not get it, they would leave it and go to play football, while I would be left behind within my obsessions and no one to blame them on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in feelings of superiority as I played my Character of the woman in need of protection, as by that stage I had gotten all clues in place about how the game was played, which was to NOT give in to what I wanted and boys wanted ,which was the physical contact, but to keep them hanging, for as long as it took until the game turned into an obsession for them too, so at least while none of us had what we wanted, we both shared the shitty state of unfulfilled obsession and I was the one in charge of the game, which made me feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished when around a man because I would immediately move into evaluating him as a potential sex partner, checking if it was in any way possible that with some pleats here and there, sex could happen and within this for never giving myself a chance to get to know somebody and who they were as I allowed my desires to take over while I allowed myself to go on a merry go round in my Mind instead of being here in and as breath, sharing space with another being as one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of Men, change as I busied myself trying to embody the perfect woman they had in their mind, so I could get their attention and once I had that, move into a position of superiority by playing the game of not giving in to the desires I myself put in their mind so I could feel strong and in charge for the sake of my Ego

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of men, as a result of my thoughts and backchat, feel excited, wondering which kind of feelings I could milk out for myself that would make me feel good about myself, without regard for the other being and what it would take for them to get off the imaginary creation I set up for them to engage in their mind for my own benefit and satisfaction

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of my projected fears and desires, create a Character as the 'Gangster's Moll' in which all my dreams came together, as  I would get to have the attention and recognition I craved in exchange for playing the 'Moll', the Doll, the Babe, the Baby, abdicating the responsibility of myself to another, my expression to another in exchange for a positive feedback that would make me feel valued and appreciated, instead of seeing where and how I had separated myself from Self Value and Self appreciation and correcting that point as me, so I could stand on my own two feet as a self responsible human being

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence to living these suppressed desires into a Character that was in fact allowed to have them and live them, separate myself from myself into a play, into a shadow of who I was and wanted to be but did not accept in the face of my self judgements and the fear of the judgements of others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create for myself the consequence of needing protection as that was what I craved as a result of accepting that I was powerless in the face of my desires for men, and then blamed these desires on them until I feared them and from this fear I birthed the need for protection, which seems like a convoluted loop but as I write it it makes much sense, and for living a life in which I projected my need of protection as a consequence of my separation from myself, I forgive myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself desiring to move into 'protection mode', to stop and breathe, see which desires I am not willing to take responsibility for and breathe through them until I release myself so to not walk into this Character of the 'helpless woman in need of protection'

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself blasted into the past, where the easiest thing to do would be to revert back to Characters that I created and I am familiar with, to stop and breathe, as I see realize and understand, I don't need anyone's protection, I need to stand in self honesty regarding what goes on inside of me so I can face it and own it as me and if it is not aligned with what is best for all, correct myself to bring myself back into alignment as I stand by my decision that whatever I desire, want or believe I need that is not what is best for me and best for all, must go, as I change myself to change this world to a place where my desires don't come before the needs of all and my needs don't come after the desires of none.

Day 150: Heaven Can't Wait

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a resistance to the truth of Our Creation because I don't want to hear or read something that doesn't make me feel good about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel good/positive about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a resistance within me regarding the word 'robot' because I have judged robot to be less than humans

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am less than a robot because I have not been able to program myself for what is best for all but just for what is best for me within self interest in fear and separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the word 'robot' applied to humans because robots are not alive and I want to hold on to the illusion that I am alive and not ali(v)e

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, whenever I sit down to read Heaven's Journey to Life, to desire to fiddle, get up and do something else, without wanting to notice the discomfort I feel every time I push myself to read, hoping that the discomfort would go away by itself and not having to face that I in fact hate facing the reality of what we have become which in my Mind is diminished to a machine like existence and not even a good one at that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach Heaven's Blogs as everything else I do, hoping that the discomfort will go away, denying that I feel discomfort and ultimately Suppressing the discomfort, because I don't see a common sense reason for my discomfort as I judge it as 'not logical' and I don't want to put in the time to look what is it that I have created that now has me kicking and screaming through the process of reading, but instead push for the kicking and screaming in the face of my discomfort just so as to not address how I experience myself in diminishment and shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I read Heaven's blogs regarding the utter cruelty of this creation and for feeling angry that no one else shows the same resistance but gratitude, which seems to me as the Mind so fucking misplaced  because being led out of this mess is the very fucking least that the Creator should do for us, given that we have not come with an instruction manual or any sort of awareness of what it was that we were creating and how

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this Creation and the Creators and for not caring that it was the Atlanteans or the Reptilians or the Blueberry Muffins that got us where we are, and that I find disgusting that there was no awareness to start with regarding where this path was going to lead us in such a world and I want to blame them for where we are and hold on to my righteousness of 'you got us here now you get us out of here'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame the creators of this existence and for wishing that they were forced into it to experience what is it like to be stuck into a Mind Consciousness System and if they would be so cool and dandy then about being willing to swap places from where they have an overview of everything and how everything works, to the encaging of ourselves into thoughts, feelings and emotions that we are just starting to grasp that we can decide if we want to participate with or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'they have it sweet' from up there in the clouds giving interviews on the hows and whys and for wanting them to pay for what they did, because we are not toys that could be created, wound up and set about a world just to produce energy for Heaven and there should not be any gratitude for this process because it is owed to us as part of each one taking responsibility for the fuck ups and getting us out of here and out of the delusion of separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that those that do something that I judge as 'wrong' should 'pay' for it, which is what plays out at the moment into our imaginary Justice System, where through opinions that we call Laws some get to pay for their imaginary wrongdoings and we all get to feel safer and happier about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to kick Anu through the Heavens until I won't feel this rage anymore but that we have proficiently squared the books

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to use logic to overcome my feelings and thoughts about this Creation, without seeing and realizing that my logic is not common sensical at the moment but a product of my mind, in which I will always desire to find the wrongs and right them, because as a Mind I live in and as polarity, and that until I live within the box of my own mind regarding this Creation point I won't be able to see the solution as me but only me as the problem and someone else as the solution to me as the problem

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that if I kept pushing all this would go away and I would not have to face this existential rage for this creation and the disgust for what it turned out to be, instead of facing my rage and take responsibility for it so I can clear it and move on through self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at this/my creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame another for this creation and within this I forgive myself that, through this simple act of blaming, I give my power away for myself as this Creation as I state that I am not response-able for it because it's someone else's mess and They should be the ones doing the cleaning up and not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my power to the desire to not be responsible just because I no longer remember how I got here, and yet when I can walk myself through the 'how I got here' I don't want to, I resist it, because when I do walk the hows and I am then faced with the Truth of me and my responsibility for this creation I will no longer be able to blame it on another and I will have to stand absolute as a point that needs to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because I don't remember how I got here, this is enough to not make me responsible as I associate responsibility with knowledge and then with blame and then guilt and shame, instead of seeing self response -ability for what it is, not an emotion but a standing as a piece of this puzzle that decided to realign to oneness and equality and what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I did not have the same 'yeah, Heaven's Blogs' of the rest of the group as I compared my participation to the participation of others and judged myself as less and bad, because of my resistances and stubborn unwillingness to look at them, instead of just facing the point and realigning myself to the benefits that this information is giving us to clear the fog and support our process of equalization to existence as One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up ideas about what I can expose as something that I as the Mind criticize and what I cannot criticize within the group because I fear that some things are not up for being questioned and so my feelings and thoughts are not valid and have to be suppressed, instead of seeing and realizing my thoughts and feelings are showing me who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and there cannot be anything that is off limits as I walk my path to realignment or, like in this case, I postpone taking on a topic because of my own judgements about it, and then I have to drag myself through a task that I have seen as important just because I was unwilling to clear myself through self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I am unable to grasp Heaven's blog because my mind wanders many times through it, instead of seeing and realizing, my mind wandered because I allowed myself to pile up thoughts and emotions that distracted me that I did not clear up and that stood between me and the understanding of what was written in very clear terms for everyone to grasp, including myself

I commit myself to stop my existence as existential rage for this Creation as I see, realize and understand Rage comes up when I believe I am not in charge and therefore I "charge", instead I see realize and understand I am in charge of how I experience myself and the world around me and this includes Heaven's blogs

I commit myself to breathe through Heaven's blogs and be consistent in my readings so as to not pile up material that I then want to rush through to catch up and be up to date

I commit myself to, if and  as I see my mind start to wander, offering thoughts as diversion, to stop and breathe, keep reading without accepting the diversion so that I can read it once effectively and not 10 times to manage to align myself to the content which I could have gotten the first time without distractions

I commit myself to stop my fear of knowing the truth about me/Us and this Creation, because when I fear I am not Here and when I am not Here I cannot Hear what I read effectively.

Related articles

• Day 149: I Don't Want To Go to Heaven
• Thoughts: Pixels of the Screen of the Mind - Part 1: DAY 145
• Yes, I KNOW!!! - Part 2: DAY 148
• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150
• The Mind System's Unconscious/Subconscious Mind Relationship - Part 1: DAY 159
• Day 148: Swopping Places
• Day 79: Blame Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 119: Suppression Character Self forgiveness statements
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF
• Day 96: Individual Above Group?