Day 387: Relationships Paranoia - Criticism - How to Handle It

The other day I had a mini meltdown within my relationship due to a joke my partner made where I felt attacked and devalued on a point that I perceive is valuable -which is femininity.

I am learning that once these instances take place I don't have to then move into self judgement but I can check what reactions I had and correct them, so the next mini meltdown can be prevented.

Also I learnt that if I define something as 'criticism' as a negative experience due to how I first accepted the definition of this word in and as me such as

The expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes

I would miss out on the broader sense of criticism that can be defined as well as

The analysis and judgement of the merits and faults of ...

The scholarly investigation of literary or historical texts to determine 

their origin or intended form. 

Going back to the origin of this word

criticus, critica, criticum

criticus

κριτικός

adjective (2-1-2)

1. fit or suitable for deciding, capable of judging
2. decisive, critical

I see that we have miss-interpreted it from the start.  It is through our reactions that we become unable to get the support of another who is in a moment more fit and capable of really seeing faults and merits of our behavior, the origin and intended form that went astray in a moment of misalignment.

So, the other day when my partner made a joke, I took it personally and went into a mini melt down due to my own invested value in an idea of femininity but there was a gift there that I did not miss out on this time, because it opened up an opportunity for him to criticize my behavior in the scholarly sense of assessing its origin - and because he was not reactive nor did he react to my mini melt down, I could hear clearly what he said and assess it and walk back the timeline of how I miss-in-form-ed myself on that point of relationships, in which I first defined marriage and husbands to be nuisances and hateful occasions n the life of a woman and then, every man that came along, I fit into this 'hateful box' and as my partner said "I see it's nothing personal, I am just working to move out of this box in which you put me that has nothing to do with me'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to a joke my partner made about my jacket being masculine and calling me 'pal' with what I perceived as a gender biased slant because I find offensive to be taken for a man and not a woman

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't ooze femininity in the sense of cover magazines and movies than I am not valuable as a woman because my value as a woman lies in my femininity and the ability to show I am different from a man which I accepted and believed were of an inferior 'design' through the education of my grandmother that said men have only one thing in their head - hence they are easy to manipulate and maneuver because they are basically stupid, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that they are not an inferior design as in less, they are just differently wired and they struggle themselves with some of the stuff that comes up in their mind, just like we do

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when I realized that this is by far not the first time I have taken a man and locked him into the 'marriage/husband hate-full box' and within this for not having given my previous partners who were not as clear, able and articulate to see and point directly to a pattern I was playing out in its track -as my current partner is- a chance to build a successful, supportive relationship with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as my partner calmly spoke and laid out this pattern in front of my eyes, to have memories of my ex husband popping up and to realize he was the one I ended up hating the most because he fit the hate-full husband box in full, being 'my husband' for real and within this for hating my ex husband on principle and by association with my ideas and beliefs about marriage and husbands and relationships

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a mini melt down regarding the idea that my partner doesn't find me feminine because if he doesn't than he can walk away on me anytime, because only feminine women can keep their men

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with the reaction of diminishement and a loss of value, desire to diminish him in spite and tell him that if I can't afford more feminine clothes is because I spend most of my money for him and within this to believe that we can diminish each other by throwing on each other's face 'what I have done for you' like my mum used to do with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a moment when I am justified to play the 'with all  have done for you'  which is the moment in which I believe I am unable to contain my reactions and I am faced with someone who is instead stable and I believe that if I destabilize him as well than we both will feel like crap and we are back at an even point of exchange, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is one of the problems of this world, where we are dragging each other down instead of uplifting each other to our maximum potential, just because we have not yet mastered our minds and how to deal with our own reactions based on emotions, feelings, memories, ideas and beliefs

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive the moment in which I could have stopped myself from doing what I did but instead of stopping go right ahead because the desire to even out the field in spite was stronger that shutting up as I was aware that I was reacting and nothing good can come of it once a reaction has started for myself or anyone else involved

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel even smaller when my partner didn't react to my reaction and didn't spitefully tell me that I throw away a lot of money in mismanagement of the house by impulse shopping and within this for perceiving him as better/more than me for doing that and for then desiring to move into self bashing for having fallen into the same pattern again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the comment that my partner made to the morning, when I asked him if he could help me to pull some hair from my chin (stray eyebrows?), something that I have never done before with a man because that would imply I am not feminine if I have facial hairs but took him up on his offer because I trusted that it would support me to move beyond my limits and fears and for desiring to sabotage a moment of true intimacy because I don't know yet how to handle intimacy in the real physical world as I move beyond my fears and definitions of what is appropriate and what not in a relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid when he said that he stays with me because he can see my value and values beyond all the crap I say sometime and in that moment I feared that he was here to last and that I was ill equipped and unworthy of a long lasting relationship because I never had a man that I perceived was around to last but always that he would be around for some time and then move on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am unworthy of a good relationship because I am carrying the same genetic information that existed in my family and specifically in my mother regarding relationships and how much better it is to be alone, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that she always wanted to be alone because within a partnership you are forced to face your patterns and she didn't want to feel threatened by that but I am the one that decides that I can in fact face my patterns because I have the tools to look at them and move beyond them and that building a truly caring relationship will come with my moving beyond my comfort zone again and again to rewrite who I want to be vs who I designed my self to be based on the baggage of my family, my consciousness and lack of awareness/presence of my self

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a man has to come as a burden and for not seeing what my partner knows already, that a relationship can be a point of support that a partner can be a helpful person in your life and that relationships don't have to be bloody and unpleasant unless we make them so

When and as I see myself reacting or about to react within that space that I have observed I am still in control of how I decide something will play out, I stop, breathe, give myself an opportunity to replay in my mind what I saw and what I wrote out for myself as the new script I want to live and then become the new script as I see realize and understand that a pattern can only be corrected for real within the physical and not in my mind alone

When and as I see myself desiring to have a pointless discussion just as a way to discharge the energy that I have myself created by participating in memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I should step into the desired discussion pattern I will walk into blame and then into spite and I stop at the first step because prevention is the best cure

When and as I see myself wanting to throw everything away because I struggle with facing my own reactions that reveal to me my own hidden and some not so hidden patterns of behavior, I remind myself that I am walking a process of change for myself and all of existence as one, so that what I have become accustomed to do, accepted and allowed and ended up defining as justifiable abnormality, will no longer exist in myself or in me as the world as one

I commit myself to stop being afraid that my relationship will end and to live in anticipation of the moment when it will and instead to move moment by moment in awareness within it seizing the opportunity to correct myself

I commit myself to stop fearing criticism and seeing the gift of someone who is more able than me in a moment of reaction to assess what is going on with me so that I can stop a pattern I was not clear about or clearly aware of

I commit myself to my new definition of criticism that I can live as an eye opening moment that helps me to transcend a point I would have been unable to transcend as quickly by myself and to embrace my relationship as a point of support

I commit myself to stop the self hatred around this point for all the mistakes I made in my previous relationships and to accept that the past is past and that letting go of my self judgement and self hate will end the hatred in my world within and in existence without, One and Equal

 
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Day 314: TransGression - A System Design

 

Yesterday I went walking in a park nearby, a man on a bicycle was looking at me from across the brooklet designed to water the fields, he seemed pretty harmless and didn't catch my full attention until he made an unbelievable effort to come to where I was an approach me.

The first thing he said is that from afar he was not sure if I was a boy or a girl, this comment was annoying :) and not a cool opening, then he started to tell me that THAT park was weird and you could find Anything there, Gays, Lesbians, transvestites, men who came there to have sex with their wife or watch while their wife had sex with someone else, many, he said with a sigh, are now asking for money, good old times are gone for good.

To make clear that I was not there for any of the above mentioned activities I said that maybe I should reconsider my walking path, least someone mistook my exercise routine for something else, I was aware that I was reacting in fear as he painted this extravagant world for me to understand that 'Transgression' is now what everyone is looking for.

In my life I have been very transgressive, many of us believe that this is a way to make it out of a set of rules that we have not designed and that we didn't have the time or took the time to assess for their soundness and so we jump the gun and move to the other side of the rules, just for the heck of it, no one in this world has been supported to develop the ability to assess each and every situations to establish what would be the best for all parties involved vs the FUN of skipping and hopping through consequences.

As our chat progressed while we walked he said that there is much hypocrisy in this world and we cannot be asked by Pedo priests to do what they are not willing to do, basically he laid out the make up of transgression, a Belief that since there is always in the world someone doing Worse Than Me, I am OK, I am just transgressive, just a free spirit, I do no harm, all people involved in my transgression are up for it, looking for it, wanting it and hence, we are basically Right.

The point I made to reply to his question about WHY then if transgression is on the Increase we can't consider it The New Normality, was that Transgression is just a System Design, it's the overrun of designing more and more products to entertain the Mind, while unwilling to consider the consequences.

One instance is Porn, we are flooded with it, porn is everywhere, it's in advertisement, on the web, in magazine, movies, everyone now at every age has a chance to access it, and then we have to face what comes next, the carousel of pictures in our minds, the oversexualization of everything that moves, breathes, our inability to stop sexualizing each other's bodies and body parts, we have to realize that what we do and participate in has consequences, the system did, and it created TransGression, the Steam Valve to let out the excesses of mental friction and, as its own creation, it sanctioned it and promoted it as Fine and even further, as Positive.

So, next time we feel so cocky about being transgressive, it would be worth considering that not even that is our own creation, we did not evolve into those cocky abusers by chance or by our own will, we just took the bait, The MasterBait, and then run with it, investing time and money into what creates time and money for others who laugh all the way to the bank while looking at us crawling lower and lower in the gutters they designed as our pacifier and in which we willingly stepped into, as a way to escape our experience of ourselves in this world, as trapped and enslaved. Noone has ever reached Freedom through Transgression, but the delusion still stands strong and powerful - I am FREE, we shout from the gutters of the world for anyone who cares to hear us.

Fortunately, transgression as an escape is a dead end, those who have meddled with it know what follows after the transgression outings, mainly it's shame and self disgust as we are unable to hang on to the Transgressive Label for solace because the label is tiny, flimsy, without sub-stance if not the sub-stance of ourselves we invest in it, so, it's time to stop being transgressive aka assholes in disguise and return ourselves to some dignity, stand up from the gutters to see how and why we accepted such a sub-life, such misery and to realize we have been duped, yeah, that's right, we would have never thought about finding a positive label to our ab-normal behavior unless someone thought it for us and that we'll never find the dignity we crave by association with other undignified humans like us just because we believe we belong to the exclusive 'Club of Transgression', what is left, after the disillusion of the juicy goodness of transgression is to stand up, forgive ourselves for what we accepted and allowed and take the required steps to change, it's our Change that will Change the world and turn a world of Transferred Aggression into a world of peace and harmony for All as we leave behind our energetic/feel good addictions one at the time for What is Best for All.

Join us at Desteni, walk yourself out of the belief in the value of Transgression, the Transgression designed by this system to justify why we are allowed to do what we do, think what we think and say what we say, when in fact we know we are just abusers seeking to abuse, until we say STOP and move ourselves to Change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that transgression is 'cool' just because it served as the lid to cover up how I perceived myself and the life I lived instead of seeing and realizing I was never OK with what I did and a label for it was never going to sort it out or sort myself out

When and as I see myself reacting in excitement/anticipation/desire to the word 'transgression', I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that this word has been purposefully loaded with a 'positive charge' so that I could embrace my perceived negative behavior and self judgement and find some solace within it and within this I no longer accept the positive charge of the word transgression but return it to its neutrality of what it really describes and stands for which is a behavior that crosses the line of first considering myself, others and the flowing consequences into the equation that I need to be clear about before I think, speak or act

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel devalued when the guy said 'I was not sure if you were a boy or a girl' because I have placed value on being 'a girl' and being mistaken for a boy triggers a perception of diminishment within me and within this for believing that I can be diminished by being taken/labelled as a boy or a girl

When and as I hear someone expressing themselves about me as to not being sure if I belong to the male or female gender, I stop, breathe, return myself to the physical, as I now see, realize and understand that I have associated this feeling of diminishment to a specific memory of being a kid and getting a short haircut after which I was mistaken for a boy and people laughed and in that moment I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a woman mistaken for a male was ridiculous and as such demeaning/diminishing and that I no longer need to hold on to this memory and breathe to let it go once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel fear and excitement at the transgressive stories the man was telling and for judging myself as bad when I realized something in me was moving at the 'idea' of all the transgressive behavior consumed in that park instead of seeing and realizing I always judged transgression as bad and something to fear as I saw it could be used as an excuse for my behavior which would never require me to change and at the same time as exciting because the feeling of excitement belongs to the word transgression by design and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the design of the word transgression as exciting, excitement, positive, something to aspire to to break free

When and as I see myself triggered by the word transgression, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that if I still have movement within me relative to this word there is something I still need to clear out regarding my perception of what 'being free' means and so I commit myself to dig into the dimensions of this word if such a movement should arise again, until I can stand stable in and as breath when hearing/reading/speaking the word 'Transgression'

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Day 246: Why don't YOU Change? - Character

World as a Mirror..

A lady in her seventies is coming to me for corrective massage, I have learned massage in Asia and I know how to fix most postural problems, not for good of course, as that can only be fixed by the one who created it in the first place, but as a bridge, as a relief to pain and as support to the body. 

The first time she took off her corset and I saw her back my first thought was 'you must be joking', she had an extremely pronounced chronic hunchback and as I discovered as days went by, matched by an unparalleled irritating departure from reality.

She asked me, at 70, if I can make her attractive again, enough to find a man when her husband shall day, in possibly 10 years time. Yeap sure, let me take out my magic wand, the hat and the fairy dust.

The desire to be attractive having defined Beauty as being "alive" I can relate to as it is very culturally drilled into our minds as children, to 'live' for beauty in Italy, and for this not having it, losing it, is for sure a huge sense of loss, of diminishment, something I have been clear about not being able to 'give back to her' in any possible way.

The one point though that is driven home now everyday for more than a week, is the danger of embodying Personalities and how, when we forget they are just Characters we have ourselves created, the danger of remaining trapped at the price of giving up one's health, one's physical integrity as the body de-forms under the weight of the structural changes demanded by our participation in and as the Mind. She played the 'sick woman' for so long that now that she would like to Stop, as she has self honestly admitted she is aware of doing that', she doesn't know how to.

I have my own experience of a Jekyll and Hide Life, of em-body-ing Characters and I am still walking some of the consequences, in fact part of the irritation I allowed myself to feel yesterday was due to this, as I projected on her the irritation I have for myself as I keep playing one specific self harming character I will write about in my next posts, the Binge Eater, and it manifested in a backchat on the lines of 'Why don't YOU change, why do you walk away from my home everyday feeling OK and then walk back into your toxic Life sucking Character, why don't YOU at 70 show Me how it's done, stop your Hide Character, I expect you can do so, I spend my mornings re-programming your Mind, what else do you need to change, didn't you have enough pain, discomfort, haven't you made your body suffer enough, come on Lady!', which is just like the suppressed Self Talk I have with myself in the 'apparent' silence of my Mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with this lady and her self destructive Life, to not want to see the mirror experience she was offering as to where would some of my self destructive personalities lead me 20 years down the line, unless I change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to expect change from her because of what I believed I was investing in her as Change Tools and Support and for allowing myself yesterday to feel irritation because she has not Changed Yet as I expected, instead of seeing and realizing I was projecting on her the irritation I feel for myself and then suppress regarding why I have not changed some point where I see I still move into self destruction, just because I can Hide them and pretend they are not there and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be irritated and impatient with myself as I see realize and understand that when I experience irritation I then move my self destruction into Hiding, pretending it's not there, coming up with ever creative excuses about why my Change will start tomorrow, or Monday or on a specific date and within this accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my Change to my Mind to make sure I don't change because as the Mind I have no interest in Change and I am quite comfortable in running the same old same old programs no matter where they lead

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire other people to change to prove that I am good and that what I do is valuable and Life Changing, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I am wanting my own Change that I then project as a desire to see Change in others instead of standing for my own self change as an example that it is possible vs attempting changing others through coercion to show myself that They can change and so can I

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I have had disagreements with others based on the point that 'things should change between us' to expect and demand that They should Change first and not me and for finding excuses and reasons why the change of others should come before mine, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dread the mornings when this lady rings my bell in fear that I will have to face another day of No Change, where all the steps we took together the day before just reverted back to her old suffering self, and for not seeing realizing and understanding that I fear facing the point that everything can only change through a process of consistency and not the magical wand I secretly hoped I could use, if not on myself on others and for fearing having to walk consistently to accumulate change as a point that becomes Me as Change, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek value and purpose through imagining that I can change others, that I am so powerful that I can say the right things and for feeling disappointed because the expectations I had created inside of myself were dis-attended and I felt diminished by facing the point that I have no power to change others, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel responsible for the change in this lady just because she lives and thrives on shifting her responsibility for her life on others and even though I have tried to dodge this responsibility and give it back to her, there is an allure about it that I allowed myself to play with, which is the allure of power and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I want power over another I will have to take on the responsibility in their place which is impossible and not what is best for me or them either, and for toying with power vs self responsibility, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make other people responsible for my life, my well being and my health, just so I would not have to change myself and so I could blame others for me not changing, just like this lady is showing me, and for having blamed others for me not changing myself to realign to oneness and equality and what is best for all, no matter what, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for the life in Hide-ing I have lived and for justifying myself because 'I hurt nobody' and for within this considering myself equal to 'no-body' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with points in which I see myself, look for reasons why the Mirror is in fact Worse than me and in the specific for judging this lady as worse than me because I used to only harm myself while she takes prisoners on her journey, without considering that her prisoners are just as equal participants in the toxic games we play and that what I am doing is not looking to stand for the rights of the abused but for my right to feel superior as a 'lesser abusive person' and for judging others as a way to feel better about myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked 'promise you won't go away from Milan, if you promise to stay I can put more effort in healing' to feel burdened and resentful that someone is making their healing conditional on what I do and for making my healing conditional to what others do, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when interacting with a person I have judged as 'unsave-able' to use them as my excuse to lose interest in being Here, making them the reason why I am authorized to fly off in my mind, a far more interesting place than staying present in the moment as support to another as myself through our process of change while standing my ground in the Here-ness of Breath about their change being their responsibility and no one else's, such as My Own Change is My responsibility and No One Else's

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear this relationship as a tie that ties me down into something I am not yet able to see where it will lead and for fearing I took on more than I can handle given the physical condition of this lady which I have no clue if can be restored to health or not, I forgive myself

I commit myself to, Breathe through this interaction, do not accept and allow myself to participate in backchats however I see myself justifying my own departure from reality and to support this being as an equal and not as someone who has solutions for her that she cannot give to herself

I commit myself to, when I am done with her treatment, to stop thinking about it seeking for solutions, because I see realize and understand that this experience I am having is unprecedented like every moment in life unless I defined as 'something I have already lived' and as such there are no solutions my mind can offer however I may be tempted to seek there sifting through my past experiences, instead I commit myself to stay Here in and as Breathe and to address each point as it comes up in the moment

I commit myself to own up to what goes on inside of me regarding this relationship, as I see realize and understand that nothing that happens while I interact with this lady is 'her fault' but my own creation and I commit to correct myself until nothing moves inside of me as we interact so she can see what the stability that has eluded her all her life would be like and she too may consider not engaging in her Mind, which is the primary reason for her sickness and the massive antidepressant therapy she is on

I commit myself to stop expecting that she may recover, feel better, have a lasting change, have increasingly consistent less pain than when she started as I see realize and understand we are all walking in reverse through the pain of our lives and we can't walk out of pains that have become physical and chronic in a painless way, not because we are punishing ourselves or must suffer, but because chronic painful states walked out of in painless magic ways are just another figment of our 'wand-rous' imagination and have no relation to reality and what needs to be done to correct a physical problem in the physical and furthermore as I see realize and understand that some problems are determined by patterns and constructs we walk I commit myself to not take responsibility for her sliding in and out of her pattern but only to stop my own sliding in and out of my own patterns as I see realize and understand I am the only one I can change for real and no one else.

Day 235: Self Destruct Program - What if You survive It?

When I was young my mum told me tales about my eccentric father who used to say he believed he would die by when he was 33, like Jesus, but he didn't and had to face being here and having accomplished nothing with his life of lies and deceit.

I had another friend that used to tell me how she would die young, and she didn't.

For myself I never thought about that in the specific, about when I would die, but I started self destructing programs to make sure I did quite at an early age.

My first experience with drinking happened when I was a kid in my grandma's home, they had a liquor cabinet and one night when everyone had gone to bed, I opened it and took a sip out of each bottle, there were about 7 or 8, from sweet liquors to whiskies. After the 4th sip I was tipsy, after the 8th I was sick, went to bed and as I lay there my head started to turn and turn until I felt like falling in a black hole so I sat up on the side of the bed where I felt all the alcohol come up but did not make it to the bathroom, instead I threw up on my bedsheets and as clever kids do, I unmade the bed, took all the sheet to the small laundry room put them into the bathtub, open the water to cover them and went back to bed sick as a dog.

Amazing how sick as I was my first thought was to not ruin the bedsheets because THAT would have made grandma Really angry, the plan seemed faultless too, the next morning I would take them out of the bathtub and make my bed again and nobody would be the wiser (??)...

In the morning my grandma woke me up and asked me what happened the night before. 'Nothing', I remember her looking at me in silence and then she said 'where are your bedsheets?' and then the fog cleared a bit but I would have liked to deny some more if she hadn't said that she walked into the laundry and a smell of alcohol (and puke) was coming out of there. 

She laughed too, she said it was normal for kids to want to experiment and made no big deal about it, she said luckily grandpa was not at home, it would be 'our little secret'. 

I did not enjoy the aftermath, I was out of whack for a few days and didn't drink to that level for a few good years to come.

When I was in my first year of high school we went to a party, I suggested we buy some Sambuca and at the party I pushed everyone to drink straight from the bottles, the party ended when some friend put me on the bus and took my to my best girlfriend who worked at an hairdresser shop, I was crying and stood outside of her window, she run out to discover I was just drunk and told me to wait and we would go home together when she was done. I cried all the way back home on the bus, while I told out loud my 'sad story' and when we got home and my mum saw me she told me 'go to bed or I'll kill you' but she didn't kill me, not even the next day.

My family run on hidden self destruct programs, no one had the guts to take a position when I first played out what had been going on in secret within all their lives.

Alcohol had consequences though, headaches, depression, and lousy after parties, it was when I discovered pot that I envision self destruction with no consequences, as IF, and embraced that lifestyle with a passion.

It was only later in life that I realized my Pot habit did come with consequences too, BIG ones, as I spent most of my life off the planet and at every landing I would have to fix whatever I had destroyed, attempted to destroy or was in the process of destroying, some things I couldn't even fix afterward, they were just done and gone for good.

I have given up pot, but not this habit to self destruct, it comes in subtly, one damaging action at the time that I excuse, disregard, brush away, until I am in full blown self destruct mode.

One point that fuels this is that I still hold a definition of Life having no value, I have already written about waking up from some of my binges and discovering with dismay that I was still here, yesterday as I walked home and looked at this point I realized I harbor guilt as well, for not having developed some sickness like diabetes, because I have lived a life leading there or something else, it's like I can't match the gratefulness I should feel for the resilience of my body, it's too big a debt, it's too late, I will never be able to repay my body for all of the abuse I put it through and so what do I do, ironically? I'll do some more to prove that I was not worth saving, let me go please, just to wake up in my groundhog life, another bloody day.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a kid and I experimented with alcohol to the point of making myself sick not see, realize and understand that I was playing out the hidden patterns of self destruction of my family and for believing that the desire to Self destruct was who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a kid, imprint myself with the idea that I was the desire to rebel and to associate self destruction to an idea of rebellion, of not wanting to fit in, and that by self destructing I was asserting myself and my right to 'do as I pleased' no matter the consequences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my grandmother and my mother excusing my first experiences with alcohol to the point of utter sickness, as something benevolent and merciful that happened that made me believe they loved me because they did not punish me, instead of seeing and realizing that as I played out the self destructive hidden patterns of my family, the response of my family members had nothing to do with me and was not a point of closeness, of camaraderie, of intimacy that we shared and as such 'good and positive' but just a moment in which nobody knew how to behave as we all faced the same patterns with no solutions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect alcohol abuse, smoking pot, doing drugs and generally having Mind altering experiences with Fun, with Freedom, with transgression, as if the fact that I could do those things as much as I wanted whenever I wanted was a testimony to my grown-up-ness and a point I should cherish because it meant I established myself as an adult, however dysfunctional, instead of seeing and realizing I just played out self destruction and excesses in no way differently than my family members and I was just a copy cat of behaviors past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when both my grandma and my mum excused me and found funny that I got so drunk that I couldn't connect clearly, to think and believe that getting so out of your mind that you can't connect it's fun and something to look forward to and for harboring the desire to 'let loose' as a reward for the constrictive life I perceived myself to live, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, say and affirm, that Life has no Value, when in fact I have never lived but as a Mind, and for separating myself from the physical to the point of hatred for this earthly experience -which I have never experienced for real in and as the physical- I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointment and regret for being here, for surviving each and every attempt at self destruction, for feeling sorry that I did not manage to give myself some life threatening sicknesses, to prove that I had been successful in at least one of my programs, self destruction, and for feeling the failure of being alive as having failed to self destruct, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life is short and we better enjoy it, and within this mean engage in activities of excesses, of Mind altering moments that I perceived as a break from this reality and for creeping into this Character every time I see my life as dull or as not going anywhere, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see myself moving the first steps into this Character play, to deliberately look away, excuse it, pretend it's not happening, so that I can take the full slide into the full blown experience of this Character and then land back to just return to the disappointment for being still here and too healthy for what I believe I would deserve

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I read posts of some of us battling with chronic sicknesses, first move into guilt for not being sick regardless of what I have done to get there and then feel ashamed because I am the one who lived to get sick and I didn't and I believe I have once again overstepped a line with no consequences charged and for desiring the suffering and punishing for the Characters allowed myself to play I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to get sick to use the sickness as a fail safe to stop my self destructive behavior because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that people change their destructive habits only if they fear dying, but I don't have this fear and as such I have not moved so far, instead of seeing and realizing that I don't need fear to motivate me to move but a self directive decision I stick to with the same diligence I used, to stick to my self destructive patterns until I change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand, that my belief that 'people don't change' which is made of the sum of all the things I heard about it, read about it, discussions I had about it, until I gave in and accepted and allowed myself to believe 'people don't change', was always and just a justification about why I could not change, so I could stick to the habits through which I defined myself no matter how damaging the habits were and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I can change if I stand as self directive principle of my change and not the excuse of why I can't, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of all my failed changes, of when I tried to give up pot and I could not for so many times, of all the commitments I made about giving up pot and then deserted while I have conveniently Not filed the point that I did give up pot at one point in my life, because that would mean I changed and I can't have changed because I told myself I couldn't change and nobody can, and for desiring to hold on to self destructive habits for the purpose of remaining within the comfort of my self definitions, characters and personalities, I forgive myself

Self commitments to follow

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