Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts

Monday, August 12, 2013

Day 347: Entering the World System - Who is Your Daddy Now? Money!








This is a follow up to my postsParenthood and Corporal Punishment - Scarring/Scaring  Tin Soldiers to DeathParenthood and Corporal Punishment - Scarring/Scaring 

I am walking backward my own timeline to see how did I accept and allow Money to become the power that it is in my life, what decides if I can move or not, if I am Free or not, if I have choices or not and specifically how I understood at a very early age that it is Money that makes the world go round, that makes people jump out of their chairs and do something, it is Money that allows us the Freedom to move on from our families, to enter the world and finally rid ourselves of their -unwelcome- oppressive presence.

Of course no one wants to be honest about it, we don't like to take on the Family topic because we feel like traitors, exposing the truth of what really went on in our families as we grew up to make sure we would bow to the System and the Money God and embrace it for life.

Everytime we raise the topic of Money some smarty panty will post comments like 'Money is Not All' 'You can't buy happiness with money', 'Love is All there is' or, my favorite, 'poor people are much happier than those with money'.

In theory we should not even honor the debate, because anyone who has the Freedom to make such comments on internet, using a keyboard and a connection line powered by electricity, has got money, more money than close to 3 billion people on this planet of which we are not ashamed to not give a fuck about -even when we preach that 'Love is All there is', which should definitely make us question ourselves and reality but thanks god we always have an Ace up our Sleeve so we created Positive Thinking to never acknowledged the fact that this World is a fundamentally Survival based Negative Place -because That is a Scary Thought.

I know All about Positive Thinking, I lived it, preached it, pushed the Negative People away because I feared being contaminated by Their Negativity, I went all the Positive Way just to find out that there is no way to resolve the 'negative' lack filled side of this world' unless we do something about it, unless we draw a line just so we can hang on to the bits of humanity left in us and stand to change ourselves and the world as One.

When I lived with my Family, in more than one occasion I felt like a Circus Monkey, jumping through hoops for the promise of some material reward, that's right, children apparently are unable to understand why they should not hit each other with a stick or try to scoop out someone's eyes with a fork, they are Stoopid, that's why parents set in place their reward and punishment system at an early age, to teach them 'right from wrong', never allowing children to understand that to every action there is a consequence, because the sequence is confused in the child's mind by some parental sequins, either a bling bling reward or a punishment that can be physical or just removing something the child enjoys.

I am ashamed to say that when one of my friend pointed out the disfunctional way we use 'consequences' to teach children a lesson, I could not see what was wrong with that, the example she stated was 'if you paint on the wall you will not eat cake', yeah I said, what's wrong with that?

So it is at my mature age of close to 50 that I have to realize this point, that I was never taught consequences per se, I was only taught 'punishment' which turned out to be very impractical because I had to learn the con-sequences of everything I did by Living It instead and it was way more painful than if someone had shown to me that consequences are infact mathematical equation measurable on a timeline including all the parts that are involved within an interaction.

What children are given then is Punishment while they are deprived of their natural ability to learn a common sensical approach to Life, where if we were taught just to 'never do onto another what we do not want to done to us' and to 'give as we would like to receive', we would grow to be the Creators of a world that works For All, and not this abomination where close to half of the world lives unimaginable lives of poverty and distress.

Parents are the promoter of a 'positive thinking' lifeStyle, because we are bred within only negative emotions due to punishment vs a common sense approach to life, to the requests for Monkey Hoops Jumping that turn us out into mental cases and so as we try to deny that we hate our families for the most part, we fall head over hills with Positive Thinking, with the idea that we can attract Better Feeling Places for ourselves than those where we lived as we grew up and so we walk the teachings, remembering well that it was Money and Fear- that moved us throughout childhood and as we grow up, we take these tools into the world and bestow them on everyone we meet, we use emotions and feelings to enslave partners and friends -because it works!- and we use Money to enslave others into an Equation of Inequality, where the only point we shoot for is to have enough to no longer have to endure the Monkey jumping numbers, hoping to be able to buy the Dignity that we define associated to Money and not to giving to each one of us on this planet, our Family, what belongs to all, so that we may have it all too, dignity, self respect, truly honorable lives, nope, we take mum and dad's teachings, their sequins, the Fear wand and we venture out to do the same damage that was done onto us, because we can IF we get our hands on enough Money, they could and instead of granting to all the Freedom to exist, we perpetrate our own enslavement, we turn life into a product, a style, something we can buy for ourselves and of course we attempt to increase our Buffer between ourselves and reality through Money, because we know that at the bottom of this idiotic system of duality where most have to lose for some to win, lies the desperation of many that we are not willing to join and from which we separate in our minds, where we make up alternate realities where All is Well and we are willing to take those lies all the way into the words we speak and state that 'Love is All You Need', when we do know that we have never made a Love transaction to take us anywhere but further into our delusion, we know that we pay the rent, the food, our transportation with Money but we like to look at the poor that smile and believe they are happier than us, there you go, they can keep the happiness, I will make do with the Money.

We can create a world that works for All by recognizing we have been fooling ourselves -and others- with the Love and Positive Crap, we can give back to ourselves our ill placed investments, get back in One piece/peace vs the Multiple Disordered personalities that we have become and in one breath affirm our commitment to Life, stop the enslavament of Each other for Money and Good Feeling Experiences, delve into what the world has become beyond polarities, it is what it is, if we hold one single judgement we'll keep turning away to not face what we have in fact accepted and allowed, instead we move together, one breath at the time, work our way back from our Shame into reality and then embrace it, the good, the bad the ugly, so we can see what needs to be done, and do it, and within that bring Heaven to Earth for everyone, once and for all.

A different world is possible, walk self honestly in the shoes of the destitutes of this world and see if you would really like their 'happy' lives, if you would like to have to sell your body to eat or to get a shelter, or if you would lik to be a slave in a diamond mine to survive or be jailed for no reason to fatten up the private jail system of rich countries, look around, see how many lives would be unliveable for you and then consider why is it normal that we allow in existence a system that manufactures such lives as an outflow of what has to be done to guarantee and safeguard the spots on top of the pyramid and then consider how to remove yourself from such pyramid that stay up thanks to our energy/money submittance and how each brick of this system can self direct to remove themselves as a point of support of what exists, to recreate a system that works for All, become part of the solution, it's simple mathematics, 1+1, united, we can create the world we would like to leave behind.

Join us.




Enhanced by Zemanta

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Day 295: Redefining A "Negative" Childhood




I did not like being a child.

Starting with being smaller in size than the adults, being unable to reach the top shelves, the table, having to sit on phone books to be as tall as others while eating.

I did not like as well the fact that everyone seemed to be in charge of me and my time but me - an issue than then developed into a resistance to discipline which I perceived to be the "real Mind Control' of existence, hence I rebelled to discipline and in line with this I reacted to the post about Jesus having Disciples - meaning people with Discipline applying his message, a wave of annoyance came over me as I read the word 'discipline', a word I connected to the Catholic schools, summer camps, life with parents and then with partners and ultimately, to prove discipline was in fact a fuck up, to the Army.

It's interesting to revisit my past to see how shaped myself into the person I am today, often I get pissed off as I realize how much of this system is deliberately built to create ineffective human beings, what if we had embraced discipline from childhood as a tool to greater effectiveness vs something to rebel to, just to end up slobs without a spine that can't push themselves to complete tasks for the goals they set out to accomplish? And we call our spineless existence "Freedom" and then we fight to defend it, not the clever lot we like to think we are.

I never went to a Montessori institute, instead I went to a Catholic kindergarden for 4 years and not the prescribed 3, because my mother was working, and then 5 years of elementary school, the nuns would be the other end of the spectrum from Maria Montessori, they lived to dwarf children under the weight of fears, guilt, shame and gender issues, they depicted a world of giants, the trinity, saints, martyrs, all great people I never wanted to emulate if for no other reason for the fact that they had to die to become that great.
On the other hand, Maria Montessori understood that children did better and developed more healthily in an environment were the world was sized for them, she may not have got it all right but she did put herself in children's shoes, in the Montessori world you would have child sized toilets, tables, chairs, it was to support them to feel "au pair"/Equal to the adults and their environment, having their world sized for them vs feeling dwarfed by it, but then again, why not dwarf children, that will turn them into spineless adults because hopelessness and helplessness start at home, in the family, who else could imprint those feelings and emotions more effectively than the family?

I remember thinking that I would grow up soon or later and the need to ask the adults to hand me over the things I could not reach would be over, I always looked forward to growing up, to the freedom that I didn't perceive I had as a kid, born dependent to be raised dependent to become dependent human beings.

It's possible that addictions start when we are in fact kids, our addictive minds are forged at home, not only through copying the behavior of our families, but through internalizing the need to be helped out, the fear of not being as big as others, to not be able to manage tasks as well as adults hence the dependency from family that then turns into dependency from substances, the abuse of sub-stances until there is little left of what we could have been and become in a proper supportive environment.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that without my family I would have died

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate being dependent on my family for survival from the big points - like being fed, clothed and housed, or the small points such as having to ask others to reach for things I could not reach or for permission to do what I wanted to do with my own time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent being a kid among adults

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was diminished by the presence of adults in my life and for blaming them for my experience of 'smallness' when in fact my experience was the result of my comparison to them in terms of size and ability to do things and not real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a place for myself where adults would not continuously interfere by checking what I was doing or planning my time as this resulted in the perception that I carried on throughout my life of not being free and then seeking for freedom in the guise of an undisciplined life where I could do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that life sucked because I was shared among family members in summer like my step grandma who didn't like me but pretended to when my grandpa was around or my uncle who liked to kick me in the butt to prove 'who was boss' both of which left me with extensive suppressed anger that I  did not express in fear of their retaliation and a feeling that I just had to wait to grow up and then I would tell them all to go fuck themselves

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a fixed thought as a kid "just wait til I grow up" that I used to get through my childhood, imagining that I would leave and never turn back to those people that I believed were the cause of my anguish instead of realizing it was my participation in thoughts emotions and feelings that created the energetic experiences that I then blamed on my family and their behavior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel humiliated when my uncle would kick me around in front of others to prove his authority when my mum was not around and for holding a grudge and hatred toward him together with spiteful thoughts on how I would just leave one day and never turn back

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel like an outcast with the kids of some of my relatives when I went to spend part of a summer with them, ending up sitting on the steps of their summer house imagining my mother walking through the gate to take me away, without seeing realizing and understanding that I was busy creating the 'loner' personality as I ended up assuming that you can never trust anyone to have your interest at heart, not even your family and that being alone would be my safest bet in my life - which then created friction inside of me every time I had a relationship and I felt my partner walked all over my resolution and commitment to aloneness by just being around

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel torn between my mother and my grandparents as I was asked to take sides once a week by hiding some of the things that happened at home to my grandmother and some of the comments my grandparents made about my mother, never feeling like I could be honest and just exist but having to always be on the lookout to remember what could be shared and what must not be shared to not anger anyone

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate Life with living with my family as a kid and being alive with finding ways to navigate the dangerous emotional minefield of my family, ending up always putting myself in a state of stress and anxiety, which resulted in me splitting in various personality that could handle and manage my family dysfunctions at their best, investing each character with the specific role to handle just one side of my relationships so as to make sure nothing would be overlapping and causing problems to myself and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty regarding my inability to be myself, to be just one and not many different 'me's as that felt like a betrayal of myself and a point of constant stress when the different parties would gather and I would have to choose how to handle myself within a Character that could please them all and within this for giving in to addictions later in life to cope with those personality switches I believed I had to keep up for survival that were extremely energy consuming 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would turn out like my family, to live in anxiety for not knowing how I could prevent that as I felt that their very presence around me was toxic and yet I had nowhere else to go, and for believing I was not free and I would have to set out on a journey to Freedom which included leaving my family behind as within this I defined my freedom as dependent from being away from my family and as I came back to Italy, I walked back into the feeling of entrapment that I left behind when I left, without going to the root of the problem to sort it out once and for all


to be continued

Related articles
Enhanced by Zemanta

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Day 259: Families, the System Bodyguards




Today I had a discussion with my mother over what I am supposed to do with one of my bank Accounts, it  ended with 'don't come to me in 3 years time telling me you are in trouble with that Bank account because you didn't want to ask someone who knows how bank accounts abroad really work'. 
That someone could not be me of course, living abroad 17 years doesn't qualify me to know what I am doing, I have to be scared of a Bank because she is and because they may take some of my belongings -of which I have nothing left but that doesn't matter either- I have to fear that they will take one of my organs, a kidney, through accrued interests until they meet the black market kidney price.
Parents exist to keep us in line, they make it their business to pass on their fears, no wonder we grow up not even considering to take on this system to change it, we have to thank our FamiLies for holding us in place.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated when my mother doesn't approve of what I do, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother's approval is important and shows me the 'right path ' I have to walk

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek the approval of my mother for what I do

I forgive myself that  accepted and allowed myself to feel fearful about the things my mother projects for me as my possible future that I will have to live unless I do as she says

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I feel irritated with my mother, instead of stopping and breathing to see why the irritation comes up within me as a point I need to correct, to instead move into my backchat and think 'shut the fuck up' as I blame her for how I experience myself instead of taking self responsibility for my experience and walk to free myself from the ties that bind me to my mother, and for blaming her for how I experience myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to dismiss everything my mother says on principle because, if I don't, I fear moving into reactions that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not in control of

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I see that I have moved into a backchat regarding what I would like to say to put an end to how I experience myself, instead of stopping recognizing that I am accumulating an energetic experience that won't make it easier to be self honest and see clearly around my mother, look for justifications about why I am entitled to my backchat, just because this is what I have always done and I don't push myself to rewrite this relationship in all its expressions

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself to fear changing within the relationship with my mother because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only alternative to suppressing my backchat is to speak it out loud and I fear the consequences of not controlling myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't control myself and I have only 2 choices, suppression or speaking out loud my backchat, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I can self correct myself to stop my backchat and my participation in and as it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at my mother today because, to justify my backchat I blamed her for being the source of the fears I have about living in this system as the system, instead of taking self responsibility for my fears and walking to stop them once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that our Families are guarding the System as the System bodyguards and that they can't be blamed for having passed on what they themselves received as the system teachings and what they came to believe to be true, including 'self survival' fears, but that it is my self response-ability to stop participating in the fears that are offered to me to participate on, no matter who is offering them

When and as I See myself wanting to share something with my mother, I stop, breathe, look at all the reasons WHY I want to share a point and what kind of reply am I expecting and why am I seeking to have such interactions and once I have considered all possible outflows I make the decision if it is something to share or not, and if I see in self honesty that it will be a source of friction I stop myself from sharing because I see realize and understand that self honesty is not blabbering out loud about everything that goes on in my life, but standing as all points that interact in a moment and making a decision that is best for all, and this can include not sharing something with someone

I commit myself to walk to stand stable in and as breath beyond the need of my mother's approval or the fear of her disapproval




Enhanced by Zemanta

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Day 243: Stopping the Fami-Lies Inside



This is a follow up to my post 'Have you kowtowed to Your Family today?'



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am indebted to my mother because of all the Money she spent raising me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live like a Debtor within the Family system as my family claimed credits on my Life for what they did for me as I was growing up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the feelings of hatred I felt for my family that I believed to be me as who I am for this Debt that I felt was put on my shoulders since I was born without my permission, instead of seeing and realizing I was angry at myself for accepting to live as a Debt/Credit system as a result of buying into the Lie of Money and the Money System

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother saying 'with all I have done for you, you ungrateful asshole' and for feeling guilty and ashamed for being ungrateful especially because I did not understand how to 'properly' show gratefulness and get out of the 'ungrateful' cycle and for feeling inadequate for my inability to express 'proper gratefulness' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for how I experienced myself in relation to being indebted to them as I made them guilty and responsible for 'my state of mind' instead of taking self responsibility for accepting the Lie of Life being indebted and subjected to Money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that FamiLie were more important than anyone else because they could save my ass with Money in case anything went wrong in my life and for this role I gave them resent their very existence as the Money Lenders of the World, and for resenting the existence of FamiLies and desiring to be an orphan so I would not be indebted to anyone, instead of seeing I was the source and origin of the Debt system within me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live as a Debtor to my FamiLie because I accepted and allowed myself to react to the prompting of 'everything they did for me' as the reason and origin of my Debt, instead of seeing and realizing it was through my acceptance and allowance of myself as indebted that I stood as a 'subject' within the Family system, and for not standing on my own two feet no matter the triggers or the prompting to subject myself to the FamiLie -I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized that my FamiLie was Not loving or supportive, to feel entitled to participate in creating credits for myself by giving them expensive presents in the hope to buy back my Freedom from the Debt Slavery, without seeing realizing and understanding the point that as they themselves were Slaves and Slave Owners it was not up to them to let me go but up to me to no longer accept the servitude of the FamiLie system in the name of Money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my mother when she made a joke about this house being HER house and the Money deriving from it being subject to her approval of how I will spend it, because I accepted and allowed myself in one moment to move back into a position of Dependency and "being owned" while backchatting in secret that this will last only until I can get my hands on this Money and then our paths will part once and for all, instead of seeing and realizing that this is wishful thinking because I have been before in position of Economic Independence and yet this point of FamiLie ownership and Debt was not resolved inside of me - and for feeling guilty and disloyal for backchatting within myself about 'the day I will finally be free' while blaming my mother for my slavery -I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished as my mum attempts to pull strings, consciously or unconsciously instead of seeing, realizing and understanding she is just doing what she is accustomed to and it's up to me to not accept to be puppeteered around in the name of Money as I build myself into stability and consistency in and as Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother and the power I perceived she has over me regarding this house and the Money I can get from it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding she can only have the power I give her through my own abdication of Self responsibility for how I experience myself and for giving away my power hoping to diminish my fears of survival as I made myself part of an imaginary support system such as the FamiLie, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mother made the nth joke about Money and the House She Owns, to wish away the anger that I felt instead of addressing it and seeing how could I resolve this 'debtor anger' once and for All, and for blaming my mother for her Money jokes and her desire to keep me hooked on the Money line and judging her as a bitch I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum brought up the point of the Money she lent me to buy my first apartment that I have not given back to move into a reaction followed by a backchat about how I couldn't fucking believe she was bringing up this point AGAIN, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that when she automatically moves to make claims on my Life as a debtor, she is coming from a point of Fear, such as the Fear she told me that she might have to help me AGAIN in her old age and then her own survival would be jeopardized and for missing out on this point that drove the whole discussion which was fear of survival and for accepting and allowing myself to automatically react instead of breathing before I went into automated subjected inferior position for my perceived debts, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always sought harmony within my famiLie instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I sought their support to diminish my fears of survival and of being alone in the world and for living as fear of survival and fear of being alone in the world to the point of allowing those fears to drive my life and the decisions I made, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pass on this Money dynamics onto others over which I sought the power of Life and death, such as my staff or my employees, and for using Money to own people and to create debt inside of them toward me so I could balance the imaginary ledgers that I was juggling in secret within myself as the Mind, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I love my mum very much because when I think about when she will day I am overwhelmed by a sadness so great that it chokes me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am in fact overwhelmed by a fear so great that it chokes me as then I will be alone in this world with no one in my 'bloodline' surviving with me and being the imaginary support I have accepted and allowed myself to believe family is, and for living in and as the fear of being alone in the world with no support or anyone in my bloodline surviving with me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think about when my mum won't be around anymore and I will finally have access to some money that I won't have to justify to anyone how I spend, and for feeling guilty and ashamed about these thoughts of what will I do with everything that will fall in my lap at my mother's death, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to support a world in which we all lie to each other about the real role of FamiLies as the teachers and supporters of the acceptance and allowance of this system of abuse, and for becoming an abuser within the FamiLie as the FamiLie system in support of the system as it is, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that FamiLies come above all and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am separated from this World and everyone in it and that some are more important than others which is reflected in the Money System where some get more right to Life than others, and for supporting a system of Inequality and Separation as myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this World is Self and that we are all Equally Important with the same Right to Life and that we should give to one another what we would like for ourselves, I forgive myself


When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a position of inferiority to my mother due to Money issues, I stop, breathe, assess what is it I am reacting to that I have not yet cleared and as soon as I can write myself out into stability in and as Breath

When and as I see myself seeking to pick up the hidden meanings of my mother's jokes about Money so that I can move into automatic behavior using her jokes or remarks as triggers to not take responsibility for my experience of myself, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to respond automatically but hold myself here stable in and as breath

When and as I see myself moving into defense mode as soon as my mother starts the sentence 'I wanted to talk to you about something' as I have come to associate this sentence to a Money talk, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that whatever comes up I can handle it in the moment in and as breath and I don't need to allow memories or thoughts to run wild to show me what is coming and if I see memories as thoughts or backchat coming up, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to participate in and as it


I commit myself to no longer participate in feelings of being indebted or of inferiority to my mum just because of Money or Imaginary credits derived by 'everything she did for me' as I see realize and understand this is how we are keeping the debt system alive for everyone and I commit myself to release my debts and credits one by one until I no longer exist as the Debt and Credit system of this world

I commit myself to unconditionally support an Equal Money System so that no child coming into the World will be indebted to their parents or anyone else any longer as each Life will be supported from Birth to Death and the Life of All will be a given Credit and never again a Debt to be repaid.
Enhanced by Zemanta

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership




It seemed romantic once. 
To think and say such things. Movies were full of them, the idea of ownership in and as Love, plus I come from a country where women are 'given away' in marriage, to symbolize the passage of ownership from father to husband. This was the reason why we didn't have a right to keep the maiden name either, because a property has to pass under the owner's name.

There are many things in our culture we don't even see, we just take them on board, they become normal, the exchange of the rings, the having the engagement ring given first, to say you have been booked, to emphasize that the process of ownership is underway, you are no longer free to fuck around basically, the engagement ring -engages a woman into a contract.

There are many other ways to say the same thing, I belong to you, will be yours forever, I won't be anybody else's but yours, it must be intended physically, because no one seems to have anything to say about the times they have sex with someone and think about someone else, so no one is after the ownership of someone else's mind, you can keep that one to yourself -have enough troubles with mine- so it's the ownership of the body, funny because everyone says how important the heart is, the soul is, and yet what we want to own of another is their body, we want to be sure no one else owns it, we put on it an exclusivity right, its safer, it makes us believe that it will last longer if one doesn't go around enjoying himself/herself with others least one gets to the point of comparison and we fall short on that.

So of course I have played this card many times, it goes with the 'I love yous' we say, its an extra flavour and dimension we add to it, we keep upping the stakes of the value we trade for a relationship, my love not enough? Have my body, take it, it's yours, forever.

When we take the time to look into our culture the ridiculousness of it all is impossible to miss, we make promises we can't keep, the body one is just one of many, how can we claim someone else's body or give away our own, where would we live then? How about when we go to work, do something not together, whose body is it then if not just mine and even during sex, whose body is it if not mine, if not me as the physical?

And yet we crave those declarations, they make us feel important, since we sold out everything, being owned by 'choice' seems not such a bad deal after all, I chose to give my body away...and how would that ever happen? HOW?

I have lived Love as ownership, trying to make people mine and be theirs, exchanging bodies on the meat market for value and a sense of security and ultimately, most important, to abdicate my responsibility for myself and give it to another, to the owner of my body, and then wondered why I lived like a Slave after choosing my Own Masters.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have memories of movies and books in which women said to a man 'I am yours' and to perceive an upliftement like if THAT was the point I should strive for, to be owned by someone, so since I did not own myself in full self responsibility, someone else would

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to own another so I could diminish the fear that I faced every time 'Love' came into the picture as something I had to now hang on to, feed, nurture and within this fear of losing what was never real I would create the desire to own someone so that the chances of losing them and the feelings I felt as positive feelings could last longer and be less threatened

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to own someone else and within this desire for ownership of another I forgive myself for supporting the whole master and slave relationship construct of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a high when I heard the words 'you are mine or I am yours' as if I had achieved something, as if owning someone of be owned added value to myself and the experience of myself because I was no longer alone and for fearing being alone to walk this physical experience believing I was not enough I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how good it would feel to hear the words 'you are mine - I am yours' as if that would be the arrival point of something, of love in its ultimate expression, without seeing realizing and understanding that anyone who wants to give themselves up in exchange for another is not whole and the foundation of such trade is fear and the belief of not being good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is whole until they find their twin soul, and for looking for my twin soul as an attempt to complete myself, to be appreciated, to be enough as I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would find him then I would experience myself differently and within this abdicating the responsibility of how I experienced myself at anytime to a chance meeting with a man to whom 'I could give myself'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out on all the symbolism of marriage and women 'given away' by fathers to another man as one of the point on which I built this belief that I don't own myself, that I am first "owned" and then "given away", which is why so much garbage came from the end of the relationship with my ex husband as I suddenly perceived myself 'not belonging to anyone' and therefore less than I was before when 'I did belong to someone'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest consequences for myself as a result of this 'Giveaway Character' that I played and resulted in me never feeling whole or worthy unless I belonged to someone and someone 'belonged to me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding I had just separated myself  into a Character in my Mind seeking for ownership and belonging as a point of worth and value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my separation into a 'not good enough character' expose myself to both external and internal manipulation in which anyone who would come and play this role would be welcomed as I would blind myself to looking if the potential relationship coming would be supportive for both me and another as an equal because I allowed myself to be driven by a Character in my Mind seeking ownership and belonging

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my desire/need to own another/belong to another live my times as a single woman as if I were lacking something, missing something, as if I were incomplete, idle, just waiting for the moment when I would own somebody/belong to somebody so I could go back to my patterns of Love/fear for another energy ride to feel alive and More than how I felt when not in an ownership/belonging relationship


When and as I see myself wanting to elicit the words 'I am yours' from another or to speak the words 'I am yours' to another, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, see realize and understand I am walking a Character and that if I do, whatever I create won't be real because a Character can't create anything real, as when I am in Character I am not being Here, self directive in and as breath and thus I am not real

When and as I see myself longing or moving into the longing of owning someone or belonging to someone, I stop and breathe, see realize and understand that this is not Love but ownership, just a program I run when and as I move into fear, instead I investigate what do I fear so I can release myself from this programming once and for all

I commit myself to correct myself every time I see I am about to walk into this Character of ownership/belonging or I see myself react to trigger words of the ownership/belonging Character, until I can stand stable in and as breath here in and as the physical for myself and all of existence Equal and One.


Enhanced by Zemanta

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Day 229: The Memories of The Way We Were




Christmas Day: already uneasy with myself for having caved in to the red Christmas tablecloth and a Santa that lit up that my mother brought from one of her markets hunts. 
Not that I have not made myself heard about Christmas but this year unlike last year when I went through a 'give it all away frenzy' and 'no fucking Christmas deco in this house' I did not feel like fighting it and maybe fighting Christmas it's not even the point but the milking it, the 'Merry Christmases' said to strangers for that moment of delusive 'shared goodness' something I have always enjoyed about Christmas day, a day of 'Hope' for Humanity, that we would take that chance to change, to realize our inherent 'goodness' and while we sat feeling lucky and giving a fleeting thought to the unlucky ones in the world, we could have our cake and it it too.
So I bought presents this year, nothing useless, all useful things for a bunch of people I interact with, mainly clothes, my mum had a moment about what to give to our neighbors for which I felt irritation, I had already solved that point within me, my suggestion was 'NOTHING' because I had built up credits this year with them through what I gave them and the massages I gave to both so I did not feel I HAD to give something, while she did and she battled the thought of just giving a bottle of wine I had at home, it was not enough to 'look good' in their eyes and we had to add some dried fruits to make up the imaginary gap between the value of the wine bottle and an acceptable monetary figure to express 'the value' of the 'relationship' we don't even have.
Basically I was quite disappointed at myself as Christmas turned out just like Love, something I was not ready to let go due to the 'Joy Factor' that is inbuilt into both.

So when my ex Love's cousin sent the Christmas wishes on FB on behalf of my ex, I reciprocated and sent my number to take him off this loop as an intermediary, the middle man between two long lost lovers.

My phone rang a few times before I answered it, first time I ignored it as we were having our lunch, the next times it rang while I went down to buy cigarettes with my friend and my mum tried to reply but she said 'there was someone saying 'Hello Hello' and they could not hear each other. I knew it was him.

When the phone rang again I took it to my bedroom and finally answered, we chatted for about 10 minutes, what I noticed was that when he said he couldn't really recognize my voice, that it was 'different' I went searching for my 'then voice' but could not find it, I wished I could have been that woman again, that girl he liked so much and longed for.

On the same point there is my digging for memories that has been going on since this contact took place, I feel ashamed that I can't bring everything back as if the value of relationships is in fact logged into images and how many I successfully manage to file away for later use, even though I have proved to myself not only that memories can't be trusted to tell a story but that basically I filed only the ones that supported me into special characters and definition of myself and others I wished to hang on to.

So it's not hard to see why this specific filing is missing so many tassels, I have already worked it out, it's because once he told me 'NO' when I went looking for him again, I filed this point as a rejection and no one holds up a candle to a rejection or better, no one of my personalities does, hence I deleted the files, something I did not succeed to do with my ex husband for example, whose file I had to delete one frame at the time, one passage at the time, because it had accumulated into something of apparent worth and value that I held on to because 'you never know' I might have the need to revisit it to beat myself up about it, as in that case too, I did not file the whole story, but just the 'bad side of me' as if I had already come to that conclusion about myself, that I was beyond repair and I had to keep the records to prove it to myself if I ever came to doubt it.

This brings up a memory of the first time I was sent to summer camp, basically the first time I was away from my mother for a prolonged period of time and how I would lie in bed at night trying to bring up her face and how I discovered in horror that a few days after my arrival her face started to fade, a point for which I experienced much guilt and shame, because WHO in the world would forget her mother? And yet the image blurred as the day went past and I cried over it as if the picture fading was herself fading out of my life, as if the fact that I could not hold that picture as clear as when I was looking at her proved that I did not love her, that I did not care, why would I let her face go if I did?

So, holding on to memories became important for me as the definition of my relationships, and in this past week I tried to write out everything I remember about that first love and I was amazed to see how little it was, I mean I run away from home for this boy, spent one year in Ireland getting jobs here and there just to have the chance to spend time together, I was already 17, so where did all the memories go, why were they not relevant to keep, I can see why I almost completely deleted 'the second coming' but the first one whole year, come on, so every time a little memory would pop up I felt a sense of achievement, see, I CAN remember they are there somewhere, I'll dig them up, I will line them all filling the holes to see what happened and how this relationship shaped all the ones that followed.

Another thing took place, as I felt authorized by his highlighting how important I was, I moved into ownership and into an insane desire to question him about 'why if he only thought about me for 20 over years, he then went and had 2 children with another woman?', cos 1 child can be excused, it may have happened, but the second must have been a choice, so why did you, how dared you, couldn't you see into the future how this point alone would have complicated everything, why didn't you think about Us?
Note to Self -I was not even thinking about him for over 20 years if not occasionally and certainly I did not base any of my Life decisions on Him-

But I will unravel the Ownership point in another Blog because it's big and cultural and something that I realized I do like a Monkey, step into it and then travel on the tracks up to it's final destination: Insanity, and that point needs a correction all by itself.


Instead I will write out the SF for this point of memory digging and wanting to embody the past.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed at myself for how I handled Christmas day because I have been reading blogs about it and how everyone handled it and took what I saw and judged it as a militant stand against it and I did not see myself doing the same, and within comparison I judged myself as not devoted enough to the cause of changing myself or I would have said to everyone involved 'fuck Christmas'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up ideas of what is the best course of action regarding Christmas and how to live it based on things that I have read from others who have made different decisions than mine and in that feel inferior because I didn't do enough, instead of just going along with the day of which I did not make a big fuss about but just spent with family and friends, cooking a meal that was normal and where there was no waste or excesses to highlight that we had to 'overdo' the day due to 'traditions'.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to drag this disappointment at myself so far that I no longer felt like writing myself out because I would have to write this point out and look as well at what happened with my neighbors with which I felt fine not giving any gift because I had 'credits' while I blamed my mum for wanting to give her present an acceptable 'monetary value ' to reflect the value of a relationship that is not real, because I would have to look at all the Christmas pasts when I did just that and chose presents based on their monetary value or fun value so I would be accepted and liked for making people feel good on such a 'special day' and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build credits inside of me for what I do for others which is then invalidated by my book keeping because I don't do anything for nothing but to accumulate 'brownie points' that I can use once I have to make decisions on 'having to give or not' in a 'giving occasion' such as Christmas

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build up points of self judgement to the point that I move into the 'I no longer care' character as I convince myself that it's all just too much and that giving up Christmas and Love in one go is just ridiculous and not Human and something I will never be able to do because Christmas and Love ranked among my 5 most favorite things in the world and the ones that gave me the most 'joy' as an experience of an energy high and I resent having to give them up, whatever the cause

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel excited when I saw the missed call from Ireland and for moving into Fear when I finally heard his voice as I felt guilty that I had been unable to collate all the pieces of the past that he seemed to treasure so much and I wanted to level with him and have the same pictures to swap and chat about but I could not and for feeling guilty for the 'missing pictures in my file' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished because I have a log hole, such as being unable to recall the events of one year in a fluent logical sequence, which then makes me feel dishonest for Not having participated in the same way, putting in the same amount of time into remembering Us and who we were, for Not having paid the same attention to preserving my past and for judging myself as careless, superficial, unable to really love someone whenever a picture went missing from my files and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as a kid to believe that memory was important, valuable, a tool to define what was relevant in my life and for feeling bad when someone would say 'don't you remember?' as if I were faulty somehow that I could not remember and for judging myself as faulty because I did not file images and moments as efficiently as others I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, feel shame, guilt and despair when I realized I was losing the picture of my mum's face, that it was kind of dissolving and for fearing that I did not know how to preserve it and that it was my fault for 'damaging' this memory in some way due to me not loving my mother enough or having done something wrong that I could not figure out I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationships are measured in memories, holding on to the past as a proof of the worthiness of a relationship, instead of bringing myself here and seeing whatever relationship I face for what it is now and for who I am within it now, seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need memories when I am Here, as all of me is Here with me and Life and myself is not defined by pictures, images or moments in time but by who I am in every moment of Breath


When and as I see myself seeking memories for a perceived 'added value' to the moment I live, I stop, breathe, bring myself back Here as I see realize and understand that I can only seek for more value when I am in and of the Mind because when I am Here in and as Breath I am enough and nothing needs to be added to make the moment or myself 'more'

When and as I see myself moving or about to move myself into diminishment and self judgement due to my inability to bring up a memory, I stop and breathe, remind myself that memories are flashcards of the past that I lived not as a self directed being and as such they carry nothing of value and I breathe myself back Here until I no longer feel the desire to seek value through memories and pictures

When and as I see myself seeking memories to work out a point, a moment, a decision I have to make, I stop and Breathe as I see realize and understand that a memory is a thought and a thought created and filed when I lived my preprogrammed life doesn't belong to me but to one of my characters/personalities and that I cannot learn or understand anything new through the eyes of a character because all my characters and personalities are a product and live in and as The Past


I commit myself to stop using memories and pictures to define myself and others and or past/present experiences and to, whenever I see myself looking for pictures for validation, value or as a tool for decision making, to stop bring myself back Here in and as Breath until I am stable again in and as the physical.





Enhanced by Zemanta