Day 446: The Various Dimensions of Name Calling

Do assholes exist? Asshole has been one of my favourite curse words, what I realized yesterday is that name calling of any kind, and that includes any name we use to justify WHY we react to someone so it can be stupid, ignorant, selfish, arrogant, self centered etc, is in fact Hidden Blame.

So I will walk my self forgiveness to bring up on paper how I established this pattern, specifically with my mother and how to release myself from it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are people deserving of a label that absolves me from my responsibility of looking at why and how I reacted in a specific moment, placing the blame on them for 'who and how they are' which I make into a fact within my mind, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just a perception that I use/used to justify why I was right in reacting to them because they 'were wrong' and I was right

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this habit of coming to the desire to call my mother names stems from childhood, when I felt impotent and a victim to her behavior that I perceived as abusive, because when she used specific words and tones I would react and hence made her the source of my experience of myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the only one creating the experience of myself through my own participation in backchat, thoughts and the resulting emotions and she was just the one on which I projected the blame for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always dream of a time when I would not live close to my mother and within this dream, not see realize and understand that I blamed her for my own experience of myself believing that if I did not have to be subjected to her presence and her unstoppable need to provide opinions as facts about me and my life then I would be free and within this for jailing myself into whatever experience arose in me when in the company of my mother instead of applying myself to free myself from this idea/belief so it would not matter where I lived and what she said about me and my life at any given time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take what my mother says personally instead of seeing it as just her own experience of me and her own judgements as a Mind and using what she says as a guideline to my own suppressions and reactive points if and when I see myself react in any way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not look in specificity at moments in which I either wanted to call my mother an asshole or did call her an asshole because it was easier to blame her for my reaction than looking at the core point behind it and correcting myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive people that want to lay their experience and projections on me and come up with all sorts of assumptions about me and my life and the people within it, as assholes instead of looking at what exactly made me react within what they said and in this case for blaming my mother for saying out loud what I had thought about my ex boyfriend anyway that I made OK in my thoughts because 'I am entitled to my own opinion' and then blaming her for her belief that 'she is entitled to her opinion' just because her opinion is about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that she is really an asshole for saying 'I will drive how the fuck I want' when I told her to drive carefully when she decided suddenly to leave, instead of spending the night together as we planned and that I was therefore justified in just saying 'what I thought about her/give her a piece of my mind', instead of looking at the point in self honesty that I had already started accumulating reactions while she was expressing what I deemed as an uncalled-for opinion and that I was just waiting for a point when I could act out my reactions within an excuse that made it ok

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother for always expressing opinions I did not ask for instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I have expressed opinions in my life that I have not been asked for because I held on to my 'right to have my own opinion' about something or somebody and to express it even when I saw that it was escalating into friction and conflict and that I would not be able to direct the outcome if I allowed it to blow out of proportion -just so I could stick to my right to have my own opinion about something or someone while valuing  myself as the mind more than stopping friction and conflict with someone on the spot

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that my ex boyfriend was a free loader and did not contribute as much as he could have to our household but did not take the time to defuse that 'opinion' about him which was just an assumption with no undeniable foundation in physical reality, leaving a sore point open for when someone would express their opinion about it and then believing my reaction was about it and not about my own opinion of what went on that I had not taken the time to walk through, forgive and let go

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid and taken advantage of when my mother said what I had thought out loud and for wanting to give her my opinion about the fact that she was maybe projecting her own relationships on me, so that she would stop being so high and mighty and righteous instead of considering that if I shared a similar experience with my mother or a similar perception of an experience with men as the one of my mother, maybe it was worth looking into it because as we know, we repeat patterns, not necessarily in the physical but for sure patterns of interpretation and assumptions about situations and people we come in contact with in our lives

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'she will get down from her high horse and next time if she doesn't want to be called an asshole she can think twice about expressing her unrequested opinion', making myself right and her wrong and holding on to spite as a way to not have to do anything to walk through the consequences of my stance, no matter what she did or said prior to me saying what I did in an attempt to blame my reactions on her

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking personally what someone expresses is a limitation of myself and my ability to hear what another may contribute to my process and that however they contribute it, be it spitefully or within a projection, according to my perception, I can still walk the point by using the clue they have given me if I don't make it personal but just a mind point, that I can identify through a reaction, to direct to a solution within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to listening to older people, elders, parents and relatives whose lives are clearly fucked up and hence I decided they have nothing of value to contribute to anyone if not the example of what not to do and what not to be and within this for limiting how and from where I can get clues about my mind and my inner workings as I stated that only those that I can see live an example of what they are trying to point out to me, and that would make just about 10 (or less) people in the world, can do so, instead of opening up to anything and anyone as a stairway to my own awareness by looking inside for my own reactions to what is offered, no matter by whom and how it is offered 

When and as I see myself wanting to speak words that are hiding the blame of how I feel and projecting it onto another, I stop, breathe, touch my hands to bring myself back into the physical and to not give in to the feeling that I am missing out/losing on a great opportunity to call someone an asshole or any other name but to see, realize and understand  that I am energetically possessed, even if it doesn't seem so as in a clear energetic reaction I have learnt to decode so far and that I must refrain from speaking while I am reacting at all costs - using any tool I have learnt to create a space to allow myself to investigate the moment and not give into it in automatic preprogrammed behavior - just because this is how I used to deal with such moments in the past

I commit myself to, when I see myself jumping to the thought 'so and so is an asshole, ignorant, arrogant, clueless, evil etc', to forgive my thoughts before I reach for excuses and justifications to why I am entitled to think such thoughts about someone and to then look for the trigger that activated in me the desire to call them names in abdication of my own self responsibility for how I experience myself in and as the mind

I commit myself to when and as I see the word coming up to be spoken automatically to stop, breathe, do not allow myself to speak it but remind myself that I am obviously possessed by the desire to blame another and by some personality systems that I have designed to justify the blame in the process and instead I make the time to go writing down what has been going on within me to defuse my reactions and seek how to redirect my thoughts and emotions in self support to a solution

I commit myself to remind myself that there is no way that giving in to name calling, inside or outside of myself, can support another one and equal as me and to not give in to this habit, no matter how enticing the trigger seems but to use the moment as a clue that something is happening inside of me and must be addressed before I participate further with another in a reactive unsupportive way

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Day 371: Do I 'Mind'? Yes, unfortunately 'I Still Do Mind'...

I have been off my Mind Blogs for sometime now, mainly because I have not made the effort to overcome what was going on in my private life to find the Time to go back to self support as writing.

It would seem quite idiotic to not do the one thing that could effectively support me through this time of transition, but hei, this is the nature of me as The Mind, all about survival and no brains at all, no brains of the kind that helps to sort things out, this is why we remind to each other to go back to writing, when we don't we risk to be sucked back into Mind games, we risk self diminishment, self judgement, we risk to participate in meaningless tirades about who we have been, what we have done and everything we have participated in that we are not so proud of after all, instead of taking the time to just delete and move on, using the tools I have learnt with Desteni.

So, in this first blog returning from the Depth of Minding my own businesses, I will start with clearing the perception of myself as someone who shouldn't be entitled to write at all, because I have married many different causes before and I have seen me, as the Mind, using this specific point to belittle myself, to make sure that I won't have the balls to stand up because I shouldn't, because I have been a spokeperson for too many theories and belief system that I should have the decency to just shut up.

Instead, I won't. I will never shut up again, I have had many lives, none of which worth of any note because they were all targeting one point, my self fool-fillment and not seeking solutions to realign myself so that I can be one point that starts to broadcast Me as the World I want to live in.

Here is my self forgiveness on this specific point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to intimidate myself and bully myself about having lost the right to self expression due to the many causes and belief system I have been a spoke person for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could lose credibility if I stood up for Change because of my past and the past lives I have lived as a tarot reader, crystal healer, positive thinker and Abraham Hicks supporter, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that what I participated in doesn't define me unless I accept myself to be defined by it as who I am vs realizing that what I participated in was a quest to seek the truth about this creation and why I am here and in no way diminishes my ability to stand up and say I got it all wrong and I am now ready to realign and walk a process of real self change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to speak up, write blogs and share my new stance about existence and my role within it, I would be ridiculed and be told 'give it up already' instead of seeing realizing and understanding I have always feared my own self judgement about what I participated in for self aggrandizement and not the judgement of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when seeing the name of my ex pop up on Skype, go into an anxiety about 'what if he reads what I write and then goes on to tell others that I am now involved with this 'new cult' and that I haven't changed because I am still at it, talking about ways to change myself when everyone knows that 'people don't change''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think and speak the words 'People dont/never change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest value in my 'ex husband' opinion of me as more valuable than what I am doing to change myself and for accepting and allowing myself to freeze at the idea of him rolling his eyes in contempt about the fact that what I am doing is 'unscientific, not proven to work and is just an idea in my head - not unlike the many others I pursued before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play out in my mind the distress I would feel if such an event would take place instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just my own self indulged creation coming to bite me back and that I can correct this imagination point by deleting it and no longer allowing myself to participate within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared at the idea that I have compromised my ability to share with others in common sense because I have participated in a lot of activities that lacked common sensical investigation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am walking the consequences of my unaware participation in reality and that I can correct this point by standing unwavering accumulating common sensical points until common sense is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my lack of participation in writing due to what was going on in my private life, as adjusting to a relationship that turned out to be way more demanding than I first 'thought' when I did not evaluate all the points I would have to be involved with to support this person, until he can speak Italian properly and move independently without my help

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and filled with resentment because I accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship choice based on a nice solid ass, which is not much of a point one can base a relationship on, and for then facing the fact that I can't walk away as I have always done blaming him for not being able to keep up the pace of words with me, because I knew this point would need time and for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated at the amount of time this process is taking instead of seeing and realizing that learning a language is a time based process as one accumulates words and understanding and that it was my own ass-based assumptions that made it into something else before I entered the relationship, so I would not have to consider the time point which would have been a minus while I was wanting to collect only pluses to go and live out this relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself and then bully others because I did not take the time to unbully myself in writing to avoid passing on my self abuse in the form of abuse to others

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up points about my past participation as a way from preventing myself from writing out my mind and what is going on within me, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is just a form of self sabotage and that I have the choice to not participate and move to writing myself out instead

When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear the judgement of others about my current participation -yet again- within a cult-ish group, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing cult-ish about Desteni but the label someone attached to it as a form of prevention from having to face ourselves as The Mind and keep on walking my process in self support for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming impatient with my partner because he doesn't master words at the speed I do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there are many other ways in which he is supporting me and that I am singling out this point of words as an excuse to bully him and belittle him when I accept and allow myself to bully and belittle myself, so I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, do not accept to speak words in reaction that are not supportive and are creating consequences in mine and his life and instead offer the support required to him to be able to master this language in the time it will take - that cannot be set by my ideas or opinions about it in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself desiring to blame him for my lack of participation within process, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that this is in fact self Dis'One-est as it has never been his fault if I faded away but my own responsibility to not give in to the Mind in self doubt and self judgement until I had to push to stand up again and keep walking

I commit to no longer suppress what is going on within me to the point of accumulation but instead to support myself through writings, SF and SCA until I can stand stable to keep walking my process with my group as the seed of the Humanity that will come, One and Equal, until it's done

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Day 357: I am not 'The Fonz'

When I was a kid there was a show on TV called 'Happy Days'.

I liked The Fonz, he was the cool guy of the group and while I liked everything about the most famous show ever to introduce both 'The American Way of Life' and 'The American Dream', I liked him best because everyone was impressed by him and everyone feared him.

It is amazing to look back at the models that shaped who we have become as we have picked and mixed people's characteristics to come up with personalities decent enough to walk on the stage of this world without feeling lessened by our own presence and how much Hollywood worked hard to churn out more and more characters that we could copycat, finding our own 'originality' by piecing together the things that stood out as 'valuable' -to create value for ourselves, never realizing how unoriginal in fact we have all become nor that the people we worshiped where characters too, that outside of the screen they had troubled lives more often than not, lives of which we knew nothing nor cared to know about because we were always and only looking for 'accessories' to add to our 'projected images' so that we may be more than others as we accepted that life is nothing but a competition for survival.

One of the most famous of Fonz quirks was his inability to say 'I'm sorry', understandably so, he was the coolest guy who was always right and when not he could make others so afraid they would be the ones conceding to him that they were wrong infact.

So I associated the word cool with 'never say sorry' and this is one point that came up the other day when I did something I could have avoided, someone around me reacted and said what I said was hurtful and made him feel exposed as if there was no safety in our relationship and then because I couldn't in the moment say I was sorry I went on to list what He had done wrong which was more serious, had more weight, was more reproachable than my joke, all the while entertaining the nagging feeling that I could have just said 'I'm sorry' and stop myself from participating in needless retaliation seeking to be right at all costs when I was not at all.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that saying 'I'm sorry' within intimate relationships is Not Cool and for defining coolness within the behavior of 'never say I am sorry'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be cool because being cool meant an extra buffer between me and the rest of the world which I believed I needed for extra safety instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was just afraid of others because I feared myself and what was going on in my mind about others and I assumed they may have the same stuff going on about me in their mind -and that was frightening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking the words 'I am sorry' within an intimate relationship, to perceive a loss of power, a diminishment in the admission that I was wrong and had made a mistake instead of seeing and realizing that by my saying 'I am sorry' I was in fact correcting the mistake I had realized I made and not in any way diminishing or belittling myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear saying 'I am sorry' within my intimate relationships in case the other was keeping a black book about me, as I did about them, where they noted all my mistakes so they could call me out any time like my mother did and like I did to others as I copied the pattern of behavior that my mother showed me within a 'close relationship'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes in case they would be held against me for the natural duration of my life because I never seemed to do good enough to delete my mistakes from the black book my mother held against me and for believing that it was appropriate and convenient to hold a black book of others' mistakes so I could use them to put them back in their place whenever I saw fit or whenever I felt myself threatened into having to admit I had made a mistake myself but theirs was graver, more serious, they were in fact wrong-er than I ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that we have to participate in this score keeping about others and our own mistakes, never letting go and within this supporting the construct of the unforgiving nature of this world because what is acceptable for me, what I allow in the small manifests in the big and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that there is no value in score keeping regarding miss-takes of myself or others but only in the practical application of my correction as I show myself that I am taking response-ability for my words, thoughts and deeds all the way into self correction and as I keep walking my self corrections I accumulate the self trust about my ability to change, my ability to not repeat what has not worked in the past for myself and others equally and within this self trust I can trust others, I can give others the benefit of the doubt so that they too may walk their self correction instead of being held down by my ledger of wrong doings that defines them and me equally as unforgiving and unforgiven

When and as I see myself feeling resistance when I see that I should apologize for something I said or did, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen clearly this point as a desire for value above another and that I no longer want to support my mind's desire to be more than another through my unforgiveness and that I want a forgiving world for myself and others so that we may realign to Life, let go of all our past mistakes and move together to find solutions that work for all

When and as I see myself desiring to take out my little black book where I mark other people's mistakes, I stop, breathe, tell myself that those little black books are the holes that we dig for ourselves individually and collectively and I no longer wish to be part of this system of blackmail of each other through our past mistakes, instead I breathe to let go and make sure I don't file anything about myself or another for later use

When and as I see myself fearing to lose value within a moment in which I can clearly see I should apologize, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no value in being right and making someone else wrong, that this values are only values of me as The Mind ans as such not valuable at all, instead I move for the value of supporting another as myself, as Life, within a movement of forgiveness of myself to end the desire of wanting to be right making someone else wrong as I see realize and understand that a forgiving world requires my forgiveness, the absolute forgiveness of myself first so I can extend it to others one and equal

I commit myself to, whenever I see myself being wrong, before I move into the Mind to look for excuses and justifications about why I am entitled to do so, be so, act so, to stop, breathe and ask another the forgiveness that I grant myself in the breathe I take, before I speak to take my responsibility for an interaction that did not work out to what is best for all.

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Day 285: Anger Galore

Odd day.

It started with a phone call that made me angry, the usual lady that makes it her reason to live to try and slip her responsibility for her health on me and everyone else while we are not watching.

In the afternoon my mother, who got annoyed because I told her she was welcome to come and visit but I missed the point of "Easter' and why we had to do something special for it -when we never did. Then she said 'I thought you may be going somewhere' and I said 'how? I'm broke, where can I go?' and then she got angry because I mentioned Money when she now believe I have more than her, meaning I should accept my sacrifices happily and not mention them, because WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE THEM, It's Life.

Then I went to pick up the cable of my printer from a guy that pretended to fix it for 25 euro and turned it into a copier that no longer wants to behave like a printer.

And finally my teenager student came and she had to be dragged for 1.5 hours through her English homeworks while we negotiated every single step 'read aloud' 'I will if you don't make me do exercise 5 and 6" a point we had to negtiate because her school teacher 't forgot to ask them to complete the exercise page, we agreed she could complain about them but would have to do them anyway - she resorted to read half a page like an imbecile - just to spite me.

When she left I was tired.

I watched a day of anger go by and participated in all of the above instances a little more every time as they accumulated, I had to tie myself to the chair to not smack the book on the head of my student, that's how fare I allowed myself to accumulate in a day alone.


There was another event in the middle, I read a post on a site that does nothing but Gossip about what we do, I wrote 5 answers to it and deleted them all because I was aware I was reacting and pretending not to.


So, what can I deduce? I cannot participate in anger at all, it doesn't mater that I do not display it or engage in it outwardly, the inward movement is enough, it's plenty in fact to pile up an energetic trail to a gun powder deposit, I should know this, have had memorable anger outbursts in my life and they all started seemingly innocently, and specifically, they were never my fault :)



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at A. for trying to do what she does all the time, failing to see it was not a personal movement she had against me, but simply an impersonation of one of her main characters that I took personally and to which I reacted in anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anger is real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when reading the troll website commenting on what happened on Quora and for engaging my anger into writing replies meant to knock some sense into his/her head, when in fact this was an excuse to vent my anger instead of stopping myself from reacting as a self directive principle


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I went to pick up my cable to give in to the irritation for not having been given back the original cable as I anticipated that my printer would not work - which it didn't, and within this for moving into disappointment as suppressed anger I did not want to look at, instead of stopping myself, breathing and bringing myself back here in and as breath, back from a day lost in emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I spoke to my mother and I could feel the irritation mounting up regarding Easter as a point of nonsense to reply in Character instead of hearing what she was saying beyond the Easter point, which was to come down and visit and spend some time together, and to justify why I did not want to hear I told her why was she asking 'where was I going for Easter' as she knew I had nowhere else to go, playing the victimization point which I did because I was not here or I could have seen how stepping into that character would have played out to her, being the one who has halved her income to support me and within this, for looking for a reason why I had a right to be angry, such as the point of her underlining that we are all making sacrifices, to look at that point like it was her fault, that I inherited an acceptance of life as sacrifice, which is nothing else but another shift of responsibility, blaming her for the beliefs I have accepted and allowed instead of standing to no longer accept and allow Life as sacrifice for no one, not her, not myself and not anyone else, which is why I stand as One vote for an Equal Money System for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I now feel angry, to compare how much more I used to give in to anger as a way to compliment myself that I am not that bad after all, as to say 'look, I have changed so much' failing to see that I use comparison to my worse self as a justification to why I don't have to stop and why I can't stop because My past of Anger is quite populated with outrageous acts of possession, instead of not using comparison as a justification to why it's OK for me to participate in an energetic reaction, no matter how small it seems as I forget that energy accumulates into those possessions that never came by chance but through my participation in anger one step at the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my student arrived and I saw she was moody, to start going into a resistance to her behavior until we went into conflict and instead of stopping myself with breath, try to harm-wrestle my position of power as a teacher and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in a situation of conflict one should always win and that should be me, instead of breathing myself back into stability from where I could look for a solution that is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I move into anger, look for reasons why my anger is justified, to look for why I could later claim that 'I didn't start it' when in fact the day ended proving that I do exactly what A. tries to do with me, try to shift on others the responsibility of my behaviour instead of taking responsibility for my participation in anger, no matter how good an excuse I can find to motivate why I am in fact entitled to it.



When and as I see myself approached by people that I interpret and define as moody, angry, irritating, annoying, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand I am looking and them through the filters of some Characters and not as myself as Life beyond judgements born out of memories and opinions and I support myself to breathe to bring myself back to stability until I can see in self honesty I am no longer participating in anger in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself looking into my anger archive to find other 'worse moments of anger' in my files to prove to myself that I am entitled to this 'little movement of anger by comparison', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to compare my energetic participation of the moment with my previous participation as an excuse and breathe to stop my participation in anger beyond any good reason I have found up to then that proves I am entitled to it

When and as I see myself moving to play back in my mind the 'anger incident' looking for how I can explain why I was entitled to get angry and how I was not 'the one starting it', I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to participate no matter what I have told myself about 'who started and who carries the fault therefore'

When and as I see myself trying to blame another for my anger, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to shift the blame or attempt to shift the blame on another



I commit myself to consistently stop my participation in anger and my belief that anger is real and one and equal to me and who I really am and to catch myself in the slightest beginning stages of my participation in energetic reactions to learn to effectively stop myself for good, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

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Day 250: Fearing Diminishment through Family Disapproval

Following on my Blog 'From MentaLot to Camelot - Humanity Schizophrenia'.

I had a few incidents lately showing me how much I still care for the approval of my family, in the specific of just my mother, not because I have overcome the other members' approval, just because they are now all dead and so no longer in a position 'to disapprove of me'.

Family Disapproval/Approval is one way in which we keep each other locked into roles, in itself telling another 'I disapprove of You' just because they are not acting out their part within the given guidelines would be hilarious if it were not a way of having everyone around basically align or re-align to one's desire for their own image/part/role playing.

In the case of parents this is mainly to show what a good parent they have been by raising the kind of child everyone would have wanted and not the kind of child for which one parent fears to get the 'pitiful look' from other parents - that look mixed with gloating for being the best parents in the secret 'parents contest', the ones who managed to subjugate their offspring best, more efficiently, having successfully locked them into their preprogrammed track and living to see and make sure that they will stay there forever. Being a parent nowadays is just being Architects of Control, designing structures and limitations for one's children through one's I'm-agination and then trying them on for a fit, when they don't fit, just squeeze the children into it, they'll either go mad or cave in, try, we have proven so far a very high "success" rate.

The first time I was told 'I disapprove of you' I don't remember having a reaction, basically I didn't understand what that implied. My mother always wanted to be a better mother than the one she had -don't they all? don't we all?-, so she made up elaborate ways to deliver the same  she got but in a more liberal way, instead of telling me I was out of line or mocking me with irony, as my grandmother did, she would 'disapprove of me'.

She had to disapprove of me a few times before I got the point that I was supposed to 'feel bad' when she did, that would mean 'I got the message' because no daughter worthy of this name can 'feel good' when she has her mother's disapproval, she could not and neither would I.

I found out lately how much I dislike writing about my mother even though I have done a lot of it, there is always a recurring feeling of betrayal when I do, and this is why as well I deliberately don't dissect some of our conversations to expose the Money point in all its glory, I don't want to see my mother that way, when I do the point of Love goes out of the window and if I question my mother's love for me I am left with no Love at all in my life, can I live love-less?

So, let's walk the self forgiveness regarding the 'Disapproval' point to see how it unfolds.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I dislike writing about my mother to analyze my relationship to her in self honesty because I accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a 'traitor' as someone breaking a bond of trust, a circle of trust, without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is how families keep it 'all together' by having their members swearing to secrecy for all the crap that goes on inside them, so we make sure we can never face the point that our dysfunctional world starts at home and through that revert back to all we have been taught to change the origin of ourselves so we may self correct and change the outcome of ourselves to return into alignment to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when first hearing the 'I disapprove of you' from my mother and not being able to contextualize what it meant and hence to miss out on the prompting 'feel bad', move into dismay as I 'waited for instructions' as I was clear I was supposed to be 'doing something' but not what, and for realizing I was supposed to 'feel bad' and then obey and move into 'feeling bad' as a response to disapproval setting the stage for my 'fear of disapproval', I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, after realizing that 'I do not approve of you' was a prompting for me to feel bad, to experience fear of disapproval in the anticipation of how I was asked to respond to it, and for accepting myself to live one and equal to the fear of disapproval of my mother and the desire for her approval, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be approved by my mother hoping that I would no longer have to experience the negativity of disapproval and within this for abdicating the responsibility of how I felt about myself/ experienced myself to the prompting of others, to external triggers however declared or implicit, just because I accepted and allowed myself to do so

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I participate in good feelings when I am approved by my mother and as I seek the 'good feeling' as the approval of my mother, to not see realize and understand, that unless I give up 'the pleasure of being approved' I cannot let go of the negativity and negative  emotions surrounding my experience of being disapproved, because they exist within polarity and I can't have the good experience for myself without having the bad experience of myself as disapproved, and for fearing to no longer have access to the good feeling of approval as a badge of my 'right behavior', I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when telling stories to my mother, always change them to make sure they would fall under her seal of approval so I would not have to experience the disapproval and the negative feeling of diminishment of myself that I connected to 'being disapproved of'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny my fear of disapproval so much that I created a personality from it, which was the "free spirit free thinker devil may care", when in fact I did care and worried constantly about my mother's approval, having used my mother as the policeman in my head against which I measured every moment of my life to see if it was acceptable/approvable, or how I could change it through storytelling to make it so, to avoid the experience of myself as diminished through my mother's disapproval of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make decisions that I expected my mother would approve of, not because that was in any way relevant to me as a point of self expression, but because I feared not being approved by her, being dismissed as 'rejected/unacceptable' as I equated my behavior to who I really am and took personally her approval/disapproval of my behavior as the point that would measure the validity/ok-ness of my life experience and of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when considering that I may move abroad again, to run through my mind 'HOW' I will tell my mother in a way she will approve of so I won't have to push against the disapproval and the negative feeling I used to experience when faced with my mother's disapproval of me/my choices for my life, instead of letting go both the desire for her approval and the fear of her disapproval for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when sharing about Desteni, to pick and choose what is share-able as in what will give me her approval and not create conflict, which could be common sense, but it's a common sense I have invalidated by disempowering my starting point of fear of disapproval, which stands in the way of really seeing what I can share while maintaining stable relationships in my outside world vs what I share as a way to seek approval/acceptance to validate myself and my existence

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of this fear of Disapproval and my mother's 'negative' comments about my Life and my choices and what I could have done better/differently according to her, to create a chatterbox personality that I embody just so I won't have to share anything that is relevant to myself and my life for real for the purpose of both entertaining her and keeping her off subject that I perceive as unsharable as in topics that would then expose me to her approval and disapproval for which I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a Pavlovian response for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of this fear of Disapproval, design a Chatterbox personality with which I can entertain my mother on subjects/topics of no importance/relevance, so that I won't have to expose topics that I care about and face the fear of her disapproval and the negative experience I have associated to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing about my mother into the nitty gritty of our relationship, because I fear exposing the truth of our relationship as 'the most important relationship of my life' because if I did dig into it then I would have to face how the 'family love' is nothing but manipulation through issues that are money related, and it has to be because if it were not we couldn't explain the money system outside as ruthless and unforgiving if we had not started this system within as our FamiLies, where Fear was covered with Love and Money was never mentioned if not as a reminder of 'all the good that was done for me' as an IOU, making the family the foundation of the Debt system, making sure we wouldn't break free because we are indebted, born indebted, raised indebted, and for accepting my Life as an IOU and for then issuing other UOM (You Owe me) to others as a result, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked about who I will vote for this Political elections and my mother said 'she disapproved of my vote' to feel bad and diminished as if my decision was not 'sound' because was Not aligned to her approval and for then moving to suppress this diminishment through backchat as in 'you don't know shit, you deserve this government, you have your head stuck up your ass' as an attempt to diminish her so I could feel better about myself by bringing her down to the level where I accepted and allowed to drag myself through 'her disapproval of me' and for accepting my backchat about others in moments when I feel diminished instead of flagging the point and breathing through it to address it in writing to self correct, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother's disapproval can diminish me, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that only I can diminish myself by believing that I am the feeling/emotions and thoughts I participate in as an automated response, instead of no longer accepting my participation in emotional constructs I have played out just because I accepted and allowed myself to believe it's easier to go on autopilot than to self direct myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the process of making a decision to check if that decision stands within my mother's potential approval, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I was never seeking her approval per se, if not as a positive energy experience but the escape from the disapproval I connected to a negative experience of myself, and for connecting other people's disapproval of me to a negative experience and for taking it personally, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the approval of others to a 'positive energy experience' in which I feel validated and OK, and for seeking this validation of myself outside of myself, externally, in separation from myself, instead of standing in and as the validation of myself in unconditional self acceptance as I walk my process of self correction, I forgive myself

 

When and as I see myself seeking the approval of my mother or any other by how I am wording a sentence, preparing to tell a story, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I will have to breathe through my fear of disapproval to correct myself until I no longer experience a reaction to other people's disapproval of me and I can stand stable in and as breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear of being disapproved as I anticipate how I will experience myself negatively, I stop, breathe, bring myself back into the physical to no longer accept fear of disapproval or desire for approval to move me instead of me directing myself

I commit myself to investigate the point of desire for approval and fear of disapproval until I no longer react or take it personally, to realign myself to what is best for me as best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One 

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Day 245: Telling Stories Larger than Life - Character

When I was a kid I had a step grandfather whose storytelling would keep me so enthralled that I would disregard everyone's comments at the table of 'cut it out, stop exagerating', to which he would reply, "I am only making the story more interesting, more 'beautiful'"

One of the reason why I was taken by his storytelling was the HOW he changed stories to paint himself always heroic during the war or in his relationships, everything he did would be polished up or magnified, never made less, always made more and in turn himself More than he was.

This is the first memory that I have in connection to this Character that I played extensively.

The second memory that would be linked to this is of a time in my courtyard when I was reviewing and editing a moment I had lived, I was basically 'screenwriting' but backward, making myself play it all in the right way while saying the perfect flawless gobsmacking lines, the best lines of any interaction were always mine, I would steal them from everywhere, movies in which I registered a specific emotional content/charge, books where a sentence was just too good to be read just once, which is I guess why I developed the skill of listening in such detail, it was never to listen to others, it was to grab pieces of other peple's characters and make them mine, telling myself I 'could be that' and evoke the same emotion I felt when I heard the lines that were played out by others. Storytelling was a tool to 'move' people in my favour and was mainly based on the outcome I sought in terms of how I wanted others to perceive me, as the one always 'in charge'.

In charge, this words in Italian translates as "Incaricato", it would mean "assigned a role" and never in a million years, unless I translated it into English and then back again into Italian, I would have noticed the word 'charged' -caricato, which means both charged as electrically/energetically "charged" and "loaded".

This one of my Characters was one of the most uncomfortabe to play since I caught myself in my first editing, copying and pasting sequences in speficic orders to come out the winner, like all games, when you take away the surprise point, the game doesn't hold up as well, as tightly, which is one of the reasons why I always had troubles believing people that say "I don't know ' to anything or that insist they are not aware of a part they are playing.


Since I started walking with Desteni I have wondered if something in me was wrong from the start, meaning if something was not screwed as tight as it should have, like my head, because these leaks of awareness were always disturbing and still I don't know, maybe we all just "leak awareness" and instead of using our awareness to change or stop doing what we see clearly that we are doing, we suppress awareness every day a little more, we seek drugs and alchohol, basically anything that will help sort out the feeling that something is not right, I am not right, I am not even real, am I? Best to forget about it, play the part and then, if necessary, the storyline can always be edited and rescripted as if we lived it out 'right' instead of having extensively fucked up yet again.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of storytelling being more important than Life, larger than Life and for manipulating memories for the purpose of portraying myself as 'right' and 'more' in fear of being 'wrong' and 'less', I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I started to live to create a Character that could tell the stories of my life better than I could live them by being self honest, instead of stopping and not accepting myself to live as a Character for the purpose of story telling as Larger than Life and more important than self expressing and for believing that being liked and accepted by others was key to my well being and for this attempting or maneuvering to manipulate the opinion I imagined others held of me I forgive myself



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having the approval of others and molding the opinions of others of me into the perfect reflection I wanted shown back to me was important and that the opinion of others of me defined who I am, and for giving up my self expression to impress myself on others as an imaginary reflection of my own creation, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my self honesty as I aspired to create the perfect reflection of me imprinted in others, failing to see that it was not the projected image of me I needed to change, but myself in and as the physical to reach the perfection I aspired to and tried to reach through storytelling, and for failing to see, realize and understand that I spent my life working on a projection of me that was not real instead of realigning the Self that is real in and as the physical, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about the opinions others have of me, accepting and allowing myself to believe that what others think of me defines me, without seeing, realizing and understanding that what I thought others thought about me was MY creation and had nothing to do with others, and that I used others to project my own self judgements on them as their own creation and then make them responsible for how I experienced myself instead of correcting myself in and as the physical for real vs attempting to correct the image of myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others and then resent them for the creation of the imaginary projection of myself that I disliked and attempted to change through storytelling instead of changing my living expression to realign to the principle of 'not doing to others what I did not want done unto me' or to 'giving as I would like to receive'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed everytime I saw myself editing my life, because everytime I edited my life I lived a moment of conditional acceptance of myself and for not having accepted myself unconditionally for all that I had become so I could see clearly what I had to change instead of making up stories about having changed or about how changed I was, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not good enough, not interesting enough to just 'tell it like it is' and that I had to make up good stories about how in fact I was enough instead of addressing the point of why I came to accept and believe I was not good enough and as such create a Character that was 'better than me/more than me/larger than me' for any circumstance I lived in which I perceived I failed, did not do my best, didn't live up to what I knew I could live up to because it was easier than real change


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked about a story that involves me, instead of just 'telling it like it is' perceive myself moving into this StoryTeller Character, to embellish it, make it more fun, interesting so I can fulfill myself by having a bigger ovation, appreciation so I can feel alive and for separating myself from myself Here as Life in and as Breath seeking for myself as I missed out on Me having always been Here, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of playing this Character, not feel at ease or relaxed when I am asked to tell an event because I immediately move to turn any event into a 'story' to make reality bigger, better more interesting and within this, for making reality as the physical not good enough as I sought to enhance it in some ways, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a Character in which I feel physically constricted even in my movement as I stand into and as the Storyteller and for separating myself from the physical as me in search for more, in search for meaning, in search for a reason why I am even living, I forgive myself



When and as I see myself being asked a question and moving or about to move into the Storyteller character to find ways to enhance what I lived that didn't seem enough, good enough, interesting enough, I stop, breath, do not allow myself to step into this Character while I observe the triggers that made me desire to do so so I can at the first chance write them out and free myself from this role-playing once and for all


When and as I see myself about to tell a story and moving or about to move into my mind for screenwriting and editing, I stop, breathe, practice the tell it like it is beyond my fear that it won't be interesting enough, captivating enough, generating enough good reviews, practicing to not Role play until I can step out of this Character for good


When and as I see myself desiring to edit, screenwrite a story, even in the most apparently insignificant details, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have walked this Character and I wrote for myself instructions about how to move beyond the fear that my life may not be enough and then I just wak the script I rewrote for myself until telling it like it is become integrated in me as who I am


When and as I see myself having the thought that life is not enough in one of the many ways I found to let myself know that, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I fear losing is not Life but my ideas and definitions of what an interesting life should look like, be like and within this see realize and understand I have lived the most interesting life and yet I was never satisfied about it, because in the seeking I was never Here and in the Not Enoughness of my experience I lived as the not Enough-ness of me in separation from myself and for this I forgive myself



I commit myself to see realize and understand that Life in and as Breath is enough, that I am enough and that there is nothing More to seek, because in the seeking for More I make myself Less, until I exist no more


I commit myself to stabilize myself in and as Breath, in and as Myself realigning to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all as that is All I have ever been seeking for, the Oneness and Equality of Me with Existence as a Whole vs my existence as a Hole.


I commit myself to no longer live the Holeness of Existence and to walk the necessary steps to return myself to the Wholeness of Myself as Existence for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One.

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