Day 298: There is Too-Much Love in this World

I have been an advocate for Love as a force for Change, a staunch advocate at that.

It was convenient, did not cost me a penny or my time, it did not require for me to change because I could claim to be loving and that was enough and when any doubt would come up I would get together with some other loving people, so we could support each other lies and pretense and do nothing about the state of the world together and then go home feeling all good about ourselves, we were the loving ones not the evil ones of this world - thangodforthat.

Funny claim considering it didn't even change me, I watched myself get more entrenched with time going by in my belief systems, habits, behaviors, personalities so I cal testify for sure that Love didn't even change me, but at the time I insisted, in fact I vowed it could change the world.

My favorite replies to anything practical like Famine, wars, violence, child abuse were these:

Love is the Solution

Love is all we need

Love is what will change the world

Love is who we really are

There is a long list of those oxy-morons we use to define why we would not in fact stand for a solution that is real, where the lives of all would be improved, where the planet would be cared for, the animals would be respected and we would stop doing everything in the name of Greed, Profit and Money.

Some of us 'lovers' and ex'lovers' are or were supporters of a book like the Bible which contains more tragedies and hatred than all Greek mythology put together and the parts in which some cool messages slipped in -by mistake, like to love our neighbour or give to each other what we would like for ourselves- those parts we pulverized out of our consciousness and then brushed off any remote resonance to them.

No wonder the world is what it is, we are living the Bible script minus the few and far in between good bits.

So, to go back to 'there is too much Love in this world', I would like to say that if we did not have this socially accepted excuse, this feel good prompting to shove up each other's ...... to activate the 'yes, that's true' 'yes you are right' compulsory response, we may have looked for real practical solutions by now.

What about facing the WHY we are busy keeping the Love lie up, what is the Con-venience of such belief system if not clearly as the best answer to give when not wanting to walk the required physical steps to change this world to make it work for everyone?

How can we in the same sentence deny the right to Equality as Equal Worth and Value to All and profess Love? What is the Love we are talking about then if not just an Idea, a fairy tale not different from those pathetic ones we imprint our children with to make them 'wanters' of things, experiences, good feelings in which we include Love as the delusion we live and pass on to future generations.

Let's consider that wanting Love to be real, wanting Love as the Solution means we must get to the Solution first, because Love is not changing anything by itself, it's not a magic wand, it doesn't change the individual and hence it doesn't change the world, the inner doesn't change just by claiming Love, we don't become loving by saying we are just like we don't become wise, clever, practical, stable just by saying it, nor does the outer, so we need to redefine Love to something we can do to make it real.

Where exactly does our cognitive dissonance come in about Love and what Love is, where did this misunderstanding started, our misinterpretation of Love as the label we can put on an action before it is undertaken, on a solution before it is accomplished or even agreed on.

At Desteni, as a group, we are not bashing Love for the fun of it, we do it to burst the Love bubble, as a form of support, to take off the Emperor clothes that were never there to start with, the nice make up we wear to pretend to be good so we can expose our unwillingness to work together for real, to grant to each other the lives we wished to live because we need to see the problem before we can change it, and Love is a smoke screen that must come down for the house of cards to fall once and for all and allow us to face the consequences of having been anything BUT loving.

If Love was real, we would not allow a child to go hungry, a parent to not have enough to get to the end of the month, a father to be homeless after a divorce, a single human being in slavery, violence, rape, wars, so the next time we feel the nagging temptation to use Love as the reason why we are not joining the most loving solution of the Planet, we should stop and face the image we are trying to keep up of ourselves to face the underlining fears we have of Equality and what it would mean to suddenly have to give up our privileged position in the World to create a world that would work for All, Equally, considering all its parts as living pieces of the equation that make life on Earth possible, and not some just as spare parts or human waste that we can dispense with and dispose of just because we are not related to them by 'emotions and feelings' - which are not even real.

If we like the idea of Love and loving each other, we have to take the necessary steps to make it real, practical, tangible, turning the matter we manifested into a horror show into a place where a dignified Life for All is not only possible, it's a given, a gift that we give to each other to Real-ize Love and rescue it from the deception it has become in our attempt to deny the need for Change, our individual Inner Change as parts of the Whole to allow the Outer reflection to change with and as us.

Join EqualMoney, it's not a For-taking system, it's a For-Giving System to make Love Real for All, Equally.

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Day 231: The Sex Market - Trading in Love & Money

The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My mum sent me a joke to which I reacted, it went like this

Berlusconi's daughter asks her father 'Dad, what is Love?' and he replies 

'Love is when a man takes you to Venice, on a gondola, then takes you for a 5 star dinner, then to a 5 star hotel, buys you nice, expensive things, an apartment, a luxury car and looks after you financially' 

'But Dad, what about feelings and emotions?' 

'Oh Dear, that's Bullshit made up by Communists so they can fuck for free'

She then added, 'I have been a Communist all my Life !'

There are a few reasons why I reacted, one for sure is the ditching of 'feelings and emotions' since like my mother I have been 'mainly' a Communist and have given out sex for 'free' - but just in the sense not for a declared monetary value, the second because I traded sex for 'Love' which is not what 'the Communist do' but what the ones with No Money do to have sex.

We have a Global Sex market going on that we want to cover up with other names, Marriage, engagement, relationships and then, the cherry on the cake: 'Love'.

My student gave me a book to read to try and turn my Mind about 'Love' and my -obviously still attempts- to walk away from it, the book is called 'Love is a God', by Eva Cantarella, I have just read about 40 pages and the same discomfort of my mother's joke came up.

Really, who are we kidding?

This book is about Greek Mythology and summarizes all the 'Loves' that took place among the Gods, mainly Zeus so far who seemed to have a sex appetite second to none and would fuck anything he liked and then coveted either through subterfuge, kidnapping, shape shifting or whatever else he could come up with.

A few Goddesses are mentioned too, usually as victims of poorly handled relationships, like Medea, who got so angry with her husband for dumping her, after all she did for him, including cutting her brother in pieces and throwing him at sea to stop her fathers boat from following her as she run away with her Lover/Husband to be, that as a revenge she came up with an elaborate plan to make him suffer and the most effective thing she could come up with was to kill their children.

My student had already debated with me the point of 'how can anyone not understand Medea, come on, her husband was such a douchebag, after All She did For Him, he tried to dump her AND convince her he was doing it for her own good and the children's best interest - a real thorough bastard' - and he was too.

As I was reading this book I saw the play out of All the relationships Characters of Humanity, there is nothing the Gods used to do that we have not been up to ourselves in deceit and manipulation or in any other horrific way, thanks God we no longer have Zeus's power, Zeus only knows what we would have done with that disappearing and shape-shifting shit.

At the lowest levels of the food chain, we trade Sex for Love, again, not because we can't trade it for Money, just because there is No Money to trade it for, Sex is a commodity we use to manipulate each other and we have moved so far from ourselves as The Physical Body that we no longer understand Sex to be an expression of Self in and as The Physical, but a weapon, an asset, a stock to trade on the market where we exchange Sex for Money or Love as good feelings to chase away the fears we have about ourselves and this world and the lives we live and what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become.

 

Apparently we call that 'Love' and we respect it, as 'Love is a God', and so are We and what an image and likeness we are indeed.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress thoughts and memories of times in which I have clearly seen myself trade mySelf for Love or other things I perceived as "Valuable"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the construct of asking men to do things to 'prove their Love' ranging from waiting to have sex, to telling me something, to making me 'feel' something as I internalized fairy tales in which 'when a man loves a woman, he would do anything for her' and I lived testing this to get to those 'positive feelings ' of worth and value for myself to move out of the way I mostly perceived myself which was 'negative'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at the point of Love as a currency for trading Sex because I have judged this to be bad and I don't want to be a woman that traded sex for anything but prefer to imagine myself as above the sex trading that is happening everywhere, starting with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for trading myself as sexual expression for declarations of Love that were as empty as those I gave in return or to solicit another's declaration of Love for me so I could feel good about myself, even when those declaration were based on nothing substantial but were enough to provide the excuse and means for trading and for not feeling like I was giving out something 'of value' for Free.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that as women we hold the sex game in our hands when I realized that the sex market was only one way and only men were buying it while we were the ones selling it and as such we were the ones to set the price for the sex transactions that would take place and if no money could be squeezed out of it in any form, then 'Love' would do as 'a payment' for the exchange of goods which were valuable because men seemed to want them and be willing to do more for sex than we were

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that those women who have not been playing the "Communist Game' and giving out sex for free, were in fact smarter as they ended up marrying the ones they did not give the goods to for free and marriage is another form of successful trade off on the sex market

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when meeting a man, assess what he can do for me, specifically if he shows an interest, because in that interest the trading has already started and I just had to hold on to the goods to make the price rise and if it rose to 'Love' than I would feel I had achieved something, that I got the value for the goods I was about to give out, and in this separation of myself into a Stock Exchange for trading mySelf in and as my body, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine what I could get out of sexual games with men that I desired, which could be the 'Love' fix or something that ranked valuable on my lists of trade offs, such as being cared for, looked after and within this for never having expressed myself sexually beyond games and manipulations I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the joke my mum sent, because when she implied she has always been a Communist, meaning she never traded well enough for sex, I felt my own disappointment for not having traded sex as well as I could have and then the shame for having traded sex at all for value, acceptance and appreciation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to buy into the idea, ideal, belief and delusion of 'Love' as something valuable, without seeing realizing and understanding that 'Love' was always One and Equal to Fear, with the same physical con-sequences I experienced when I went through fearful moments in my Life and so I duped myself twice with both the idea of Value of Love and the Idea of the Positivity of Love which I never experienced but only imagined because when I 'lived' the experience I always felt anxiety, fear of loss, desire to compete with other women to hold on to this point of Value I created for myself that I then had to hold on to in fear of feeling lessened and diminished

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through the Imaginary experience of Love as fear and for wanting to hold on to this fear as Love fearing that I will no longer feel alive if I let it go, instead of seeing and realizing it is the letting go of it all that will make me real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fail to notice that all our mythology about Gods and Goddesses and Love, which is the original blueprint for the follow up fairy tales, is just bullshit, as the first stories told about Love have nothing 'loving about them' but they describe our dishonesty, lust, desires, jealousy, vindictiveness, cruelty and utter disregard for each other and for Life and that those stories should have been told as a warning that we have not changed yet and not as examples of 'what Love really is', because 'Love' that doesn't support all equally in and as the physical and is not what is best for all, is not real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of 'Love' for good, even though as I wrote in these past days I came to a fence and I realized that I could in fact cross it because there was nothing of value I would leave behind, and yet I still deliberately held on to the fence for dear life, fearing that I would not be me if I did let this one point go, and for standing in the way of my own freedom and of learning to stand on my own two feet, I forgive myself

I commit myself to keep writing about this point of Love until nothing moves inside of me when a trigger presents itself and to see that every step I am taking is an opportunity for myself to redefine what I have been and what I have participated in and as, and to change myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

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Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership

It seemed romantic once. 

To think and say such things. Movies were full of them, the idea of ownership in and as Love, plus I come from a country where women are 'given away' in marriage, to symbolize the passage of ownership from father to husband. This was the reason why we didn't have a right to keep the maiden name either, because a property has to pass under the owner's name.

There are many things in our culture we don't even see, we just take them on board, they become normal, the exchange of the rings, the having the engagement ring given first, to say you have been booked, to emphasize that the process of ownership is underway, you are no longer free to fuck around basically, the engagement ring -engages a woman into a contract.

There are many other ways to say the same thing, I belong to you, will be yours forever, I won't be anybody else's but yours, it must be intended physically, because no one seems to have anything to say about the times they have sex with someone and think about someone else, so no one is after the ownership of someone else's mind, you can keep that one to yourself -have enough troubles with mine- so it's the ownership of the body, funny because everyone says how important the heart is, the soul is, and yet what we want to own of another is their body, we want to be sure no one else owns it, we put on it an exclusivity right, its safer, it makes us believe that it will last longer if one doesn't go around enjoying himself/herself with others least one gets to the point of comparison and we fall short on that.

So of course I have played this card many times, it goes with the 'I love yous' we say, its an extra flavour and dimension we add to it, we keep upping the stakes of the value we trade for a relationship, my love not enough? Have my body, take it, it's yours, forever.

When we take the time to look into our culture the ridiculousness of it all is impossible to miss, we make promises we can't keep, the body one is just one of many, how can we claim someone else's body or give away our own, where would we live then? How about when we go to work, do something not together, whose body is it then if not just mine and even during sex, whose body is it if not mine, if not me as the physical?

And yet we crave those declarations, they make us feel important, since we sold out everything, being owned by 'choice' seems not such a bad deal after all, I chose to give my body away...and how would that ever happen? HOW?

I have lived Love as ownership, trying to make people mine and be theirs, exchanging bodies on the meat market for value and a sense of security and ultimately, most important, to abdicate my responsibility for myself and give it to another, to the owner of my body, and then wondered why I lived like a Slave after choosing my Own Masters.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have memories of movies and books in which women said to a man 'I am yours' and to perceive an upliftement like if THAT was the point I should strive for, to be owned by someone, so since I did not own myself in full self responsibility, someone else would

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to own another so I could diminish the fear that I faced every time 'Love' came into the picture as something I had to now hang on to, feed, nurture and within this fear of losing what was never real I would create the desire to own someone so that the chances of losing them and the feelings I felt as positive feelings could last longer and be less threatened

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to own someone else and within this desire for ownership of another I forgive myself for supporting the whole master and slave relationship construct of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a high when I heard the words 'you are mine or I am yours' as if I had achieved something, as if owning someone of be owned added value to myself and the experience of myself because I was no longer alone and for fearing being alone to walk this physical experience believing I was not enough I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how good it would feel to hear the words 'you are mine - I am yours' as if that would be the arrival point of something, of love in its ultimate expression, without seeing realizing and understanding that anyone who wants to give themselves up in exchange for another is not whole and the foundation of such trade is fear and the belief of not being good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is whole until they find their twin soul, and for looking for my twin soul as an attempt to complete myself, to be appreciated, to be enough as I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would find him then I would experience myself differently and within this abdicating the responsibility of how I experienced myself at anytime to a chance meeting with a man to whom 'I could give myself'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out on all the symbolism of marriage and women 'given away' by fathers to another man as one of the point on which I built this belief that I don't own myself, that I am first "owned" and then "given away", which is why so much garbage came from the end of the relationship with my ex husband as I suddenly perceived myself 'not belonging to anyone' and therefore less than I was before when 'I did belong to someone'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest consequences for myself as a result of this 'Giveaway Character' that I played and resulted in me never feeling whole or worthy unless I belonged to someone and someone 'belonged to me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding I had just separated myself  into a Character in my Mind seeking for ownership and belonging as a point of worth and value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my separation into a 'not good enough character' expose myself to both external and internal manipulation in which anyone who would come and play this role would be welcomed as I would blind myself to looking if the potential relationship coming would be supportive for both me and another as an equal because I allowed myself to be driven by a Character in my Mind seeking ownership and belonging

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my desire/need to own another/belong to another live my times as a single woman as if I were lacking something, missing something, as if I were incomplete, idle, just waiting for the moment when I would own somebody/belong to somebody so I could go back to my patterns of Love/fear for another energy ride to feel alive and More than how I felt when not in an ownership/belonging relationship

When and as I see myself wanting to elicit the words 'I am yours' from another or to speak the words 'I am yours' to another, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, see realize and understand I am walking a Character and that if I do, whatever I create won't be real because a Character can't create anything real, as when I am in Character I am not being Here, self directive in and as breath and thus I am not real

When and as I see myself longing or moving into the longing of owning someone or belonging to someone, I stop and breathe, see realize and understand that this is not Love but ownership, just a program I run when and as I move into fear, instead I investigate what do I fear so I can release myself from this programming once and for all

I commit myself to correct myself every time I see I am about to walk into this Character of ownership/belonging or I see myself react to trigger words of the ownership/belonging Character, until I can stand stable in and as breath here in and as the physical for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

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Day 227: Love IS Fear, make no Mistakes.

I am spending lots of time with my student who is 18 years old, some days up to 7 hours, and today the topic of Love came up following the documentary 'The Trap' that we were watching together for his listening skills.

A few interesting things happened as we watched psychologists trying to delve into the Human Mind, one was that he became uncomfortable and said 'I don't see the point of doing all this digging instead of accepting we'll never be perfect because it's just Human Nature'.

Our chat started on these lines, it's interesting that lately we have spent lots of time together, hours for which I don't charge him because we don't just do English but end up chatting away about his life and what he is going through as he has been lonely lately and at odds with himself and since he enjoys staying here I am assuming this is where I need to be as physical support to someone as one with me, as I would like to receive it, would have liked to receive it, when I was growing up in confusion and turmoil at his same age.

On this point of not charging him today my mum made a joke about how 'clever' he is to get "therapy" for free and how 'silly ' I am to give my time for free, because time is Money and the fact that I am not suspending a Money related activity to support him but just diverting time I would spend on the Internet NOT making money, it's still a nagging point, such is life and how we have come to monetize everything we do with each other, for each other, how uncool is that?

Those chats are of great assistance for me as well, as I notice how I either cruise now through a past potential reaction trigger unfazed or I feel the slight reaction coming up, which happened today.

The reaction was about Love, as I said he is a student of classical studies and so by his 18 year of age he has already solidified an opinion about Love, from classical writings such as Greek tragedies of Gods and Goddesses, or books and movies about what Love is and, due to how we keep passing on our own demented views of the world to children, he lost quite a bit of common sense thanks to system and family indoctrination, a spice of religion and adding to this lot, our 'Love' Culture as Italians, the end result doesn't turn the topic into an easy one.

I offered the question 'Is Love Fear?', as we looked at the dynamics of the documentary 'The Trap' that sent him into reactions, which was specifically the point were Family dynamics were questioned as secret Mind games for Power and Control and so we went looking at how love manifests within family relationships, the biggest point that came up in our interaction was not the denial of Love as fear, but the acceptance that Love without FEAR wouldn't be Love somehow, because how do parents demonstrate their Love for their children unless they insist on warnings and worries, how would the children KNOW they are loved?

The second point was 'Can Love be defined objectively?" such as a glass, we may like it or not but a glass is a glass and we may come to an agreement on its definition, a thing that we cannot do about Love since is a subjective make belief experience which usually is best described with 'I can't explain'.

I found this image on Internet as I looked for a picture for the Blog, what stroke me was how I have never experienced Love as it is represented on the Left but in my Mind alone, in fact even this past week when 'Love' came back up in my life as a possibility, so to speak, the first thing I felt was excitement, which is what we connect with Love in fact, but on further digging in self honesty, the excitement was nothing more than Fear, I moved into the fear that I would allow myself to fuck with myself about it and as I have taken off the pink glasses, quite frankly, there was nothing cool or exciting about it, the excitement was a friction I experienced, I felt tense and not relaxed as the chart says and looking back I always mistook this 'tension' for excitement as a 'positive experience' as Love, when in fact I was living most of what is written on the above table on the right, trying to control myself, self judgement, trying to be better than, as in competing for that special place and then when all else failed, destroy it all. 

So the only true thing I saw from this chart is, that on the left there is what we Imagine and like to believe 'Love Is', but it's non physical but Spiritual AKA Mental and then when we try and drag that mental experience in the physical we are left with the truth of how much the experience of Love is about Fear, because in the seeking of Love I am already in separation, in self judgement, in competition as I turn this 'thing as an experience that I must have' into just another Consumerism product I must have access to, hence I build up tension to get there, to get what is not available for all, to get what I must strive for, reach for and as I move away from Me and increase the Gap, the friction I experience increases and the dream is never delivered, Love is basically, in one word and in its best form, Eternally ELUSIVE, it's not meant to be lived but longed for, desired, craved, because when it moves from the Mental (spiritual) to the Physical, the construct doesn't Hold and everything breaks in one million tiny pieces beyond repair.

As I walk those points of 'Love' for myself and what it meant in my Life, and as I realize that unless Love has a physical application of support where the participants are both improved, expanded and have chances to grow and self realize as Life, then Love is really nothing at all, but a self serving Mind/Emotional game.

My point of reaction was when he told me 'You hold a negative view about love and that such a pessimistic view would be something I would rather never embrace - no matter the reality of it' and as he spoke those lines I perceived myself drifting away looking to justify my negative/bleak view on Love because I perceived the departing from my culture to such a point that I felt diminished and went into fear of judgement as a lunatic and, interestingly, as someone not in touch with 'reality'. 

What was cool was that I did not do that, as justifying why I am not negative, as I saw and realized in the moment that those were my own judgements and fears, but stuck to the physical practical explanation of the application of love as support, as an unconditional presence as something that is tangible and takes place in physical reality vs what goes on in our minds where we don't even require another to participate or even worse, we resent another participating and standing in the way of our 'loving feelings' even when they are the apparent reason for them and we could come to a mutual understanding that didn't leave uncomfortability as misunderstandings as I avoided pushing for my own knowledge to be driven home but stuck to what I have self realized as I walk this point.

In this I assisted myself with what Bernard once said, that humbleness is to set aside your desire to be right or to tell someone they are wrong because you see in that moment that your support to them is more important than making a point, and this was a cool example I lived today for myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to what my mother said about time and money, not because of what she said, but because I myself had gone into my Mind evaluating the point that I spend so much time with this boy for which I am not rewarded, but since I did not like this thought to be me thinking such things, I suppressed it and denied, only to have my mother say it our loud and then feel pissed at her, wondering why did she have to mention that since then I would have to look at that point and take responsibility for how I have monetized everything about myself and this existence to the point that I equate my time with money, no matter the fact that I am not in fact 'losing money' but still my time has a Money value I have assigned to it since I was working and since I  have been asked to give my time for money when I was a young kid to help around the house, and for feeling ashamed that I have accepted and allowed myself to live time equal to money and as such live a system of credit and debits relative to the time I give 'freely' to others I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum made that joke and I felt stupid and silly for NOT charging for my time, to reply that I had been given a Christmas cake, which of course just added fuel to the already compounded suppressed thoughts and my desire to believe I am not such a person to monetize everything I do, and for desiring to justify myself so I would stop the self judgement of myself as silly, not business minded enough, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my students overstays, catch myself going into my mind calculating my time x money equation and then, instead of dealing with why this thoughts come up, pop up just because I feel ashamed of them, suppress them as if they were not my thoughts and then justify them as in 'everyone's gotta make a living' when in fact I am just trying to stop the shame without correcting the point, and for feeling ashamed of myself for what I have become relative to Money and Time I forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of others of me as a lunatic out of touch with reality for walking myself out of the Love Construct as if I lost something of myself that I can never get back, and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I in fact fear my own self judgement as having done a terrible thing, having betrayed my 'loving' Culture for Life, because this is the premise of a CULT, to not allow the space for anyone to move out of it and as I am practicing self correcting myself on this point I have activated the CULT defense mechanism to make sure I don't change as I fear who will I be if I will give up the chance to Love and be Loved forever

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my student said basically that 'I am sad' to react within with a sense of diminishment, wanting to justify and explain why I am NOT sad as in a sad old lost soul who has given up all dreams such as 'Love' to get real and what's the point of it, who was I harming with a bit of Love, instead of seeing and realizing that I still resist the complete let go of this construct as I fear having to face the LOSS of such a big important part of my Life that I have used to define myself and to separate myself from others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to see the similarities between my feelings of "Love' and my feelings of 'FEAR' because when and if I did, this game would be over for good and since I defined myself with lines such as 'you are nobody til somebody loves you' you are my everything, my life, my soul' then I feared that I would have to face the nothingness of me beyond my chance to be loved/love again, because I did give up the loving, but not the hoping and for hoping that Love would rescue me from myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live Love in and as fear, fearing to lose the excitement, the perceived More-ness of me as the experience I lived when I did allow myself to move into this construct I have myself created, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Love can only be Real when it's me as Love including everything as Life, and not an 'experience' of energy as a positive/negative experience, but a stable physical application of myself to give as I would like to receive and to push myself beyond my limitations such as mind constructs to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All.

 

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• Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self
• Day 224: "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe".. Joke!
• Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.
• Day 227: Ain't Ye All Gods? - ADC - Part 73
• Day 101 - Fear of Myself

Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.

This is a follow up to my yesterday's Blog: "Can't get enough of Your Love, Babe..Joke!"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was the most important thing, more important than me as Life and within this belief, for enslaving myself to an idea of 'Love' according to my culture, as taught by my family and supported by society through movies and books

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that without Love I was nothing and as such I lived in Hope to be loved as appreciation as a confirmation of my existence and the value of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated by men who told me, wrote me, whispered, hinted, implied that they loved me as I wanted to believe in what I knew was not true, not real, because it had no relation with their behavior or physical reality but I needed that love to feel complete, important, fit into society as I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could only be 'somebody' if someone loved me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react when my ex came back on the scene and I willingly, deliberately played the old games using memories to try and bring the past back to life, so I could feel wanted, important, desired and as such give myself the value from which I have separated myself from as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fly off searching for memories of a 'love' that took place over 20 years ago to fan those feelings and emotions, seeking for ways to bring back those feelings that I once felt and believed were only possible because another person was in my life, completing me, when in fact I was the one generating those feelings at all time, which I now see and realize as I see that I loved most when my partners were Not around to spoil my Love fantasy and how I enjoyed it in my mind alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I could not feel those feelings even when solicited to go there, even when I solicited myself to search for them to ignite them and for feeling a sense of loss at something that I will never experience again I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the word Love, as I knew I kept myself under this spell, chained to this word as a willing slave, just like my mother did while I pitied her and felt disgusted by how much of herself she gave up to tag along after a man just to turn up the suppressed version of her and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fail to notice that Love can never be real when it is not physically lived as support, as sharing and intimacy developed between two partners in an agreement of sticking together so that they may both expand together, work on their points of self limitation until both release themselves from the chains of ideas, beliefs, cultural imprinting, opinions and hopes of what Love should be like, as any definition of a word in separation from Self is just a dead word and not a Living word expressing as Self in all its potential, and for separating myself from the word Love into ideas, beliefs, definitions, hopes and opinions, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love is a feeling and as such the most important thing in the world, failing to see that a feeling is insubstantial, unreal and has no power in the physical world of any kind and that there is only one real thing and that is the physical existing as the point beyond definitions and that to live Love in and as the physical an equalization into the physical of Love as Self is required to make it real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to self abuse in the name of love, through emotions and feelings, thoughts, imagination, dreams, hopes and desires, making my separation with Love as a living word as myself wider with any energetic step I took in an attempt to live it out energetically instead than physically and within this for seeking experiences of energy so I could live this experience as a feeling and then as an emotion as Love rolled into fear and back into love in a never ending loop of dis-ease that was not best for me or best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be willing to live crappy situations in the name of Love as I hoped to be paid back, enslaving myself and others within a debt/credit system that I deliberately created to cash in with Love so I could get to feel more than what I am, here in and as the simplicity of breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Imagine myself living a Love Story that would bring resolution to my life, that would make me feel complete because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not complete as underlined by sayings such as 'my other half, my better half' which in itself is scary as if I am looking for my better half, am I myself the Worse half of the whole and if I am not whole seeking for my other half, am I just the WORST, waiting for the Best as another?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as half, incomplete, needing Love to have it all, when in fact when I did get my hands on this 'Elusive' Love, nothing changed if not the temporary high I experienced which was mainly connected to sex hence again proving that nothing ethereal such as Love has any relevance in reality until we make it physical, we experience it physically, as Love only benefits the one manufacturing the 'Love feeling' for his/her own benefit, and nobody else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use memories as milestone of moments when I can 'remember' having loved someone, when in fact what I felt was the high, the positive experience that I lived in separation from myself as I valued the experience itself above myself as Life and within this separation ended up creating ideas, beliefs and opinions about Love that now exist as definitions with a life of their own and in the way of myself expressing myself as Love as Self Love and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of the Love train, fear that if I don't board it 'one last time' I'll never get to experience it again and this in the face of having realized the illusory nature of love and yet at the same time feeding the dream as I have not yet willed myself to get off this delusion for good as I fear the loss of such a big piece of myself as the Slave for Love

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'when a Love is real a woman would/should abandon everything and follow 'her' man' cos that's exactly what I did, twice, reducing my Life to an intermission in between Imaginary Great Loves living out the Anna Karenina Character in real life, always disappointed at my partner who never did enough to match what I perceived as my Great sacrifices, which in fact were only self dishonest, self scripted plots in search for my own value and purpose

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in my relationships within the fear that if I was not the woman's of a man's dreams, he would stop giving me that Love that I craved and needed to define myself and for having defined myself as more when 'loved' than when 'not loved' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that a feeling that someone feels independently from anyone else and is self created and as such has nothing to do with me/others, could define me or others as more or less and that I had to toe a line as the source of the Love feeling when in fact if a man felt 'loving feelings' for me or not had nothing to do with me at all and viceversa

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of Love as an Idea, concept, belief because I failed to realize that it was never about Love but it was caused by my own created and imposed definition of myself as worthy/not worthy as Loved/Unloved by other Beings that I held this fear in place as I feared my diminishment and losing my chance to feel 'more' because I believed who I am was not enough/good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that only when one is loved is 'good enough' and that all the 'good enough' people are out there loved by someone and within this for holding a secret desire to find this love, the real one, failing to see the real Love is Not a feeling, but is the Love of Self as Life, of All as Life and that only in such Love the Fear of Love/as Love no longer exists as Self realigns with Love as Self expression for what is best for Self and All of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself sliding back into habits such as seeking memories/ imagining future love moments/ trying to activate myself into the Love delusion, I stop, breathe, look at the points where I fear to not be good enough that make me desire to 'be loved' and breathe myself back here to correct myself and let go of my past behaviors for good

I commit myself to become self honest regarding Love, as I see realize and understand I have invested much of myself in this Fairy Tale and I will have to walk out of it peeling all of the layers of my imprinted beliefs, behaviors, ideas and opinions about love, until I am no longer reactive or a slave for love that can be manipulated and self manipulated into reactions of emotions and feelings

I commit myself to flag this point of Love for myself and to take all upcoming occasions to dig into the point until I no longer catch myself drifting away or desiring to drift away on those specific points, as I require to bring myself Here to stop my participation in fantasies to correct myself into a self responsible, self honest human being, for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One

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Day 224: "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe".. Joke!

I have been a very loved woman. From afar.

Even though I have taken on the point of 'Love' before, it was more to release myself from some of my Cultural beliefs but I had not realized the Nature and truth of Love as clearly as in this past week, as I revisited in my Life the Hows of all the 'Love' declarations I received in my life, either openly or in more concealed, 'in between the lines' ways. With openly I meant the times a man just came out and plainly told me or wrote it to me and the second case would be when it was hinted, implied, built into the words expressed but not an absolute in your face "I Love/Loved you".

As this point opened up, my Mind offered a dolly shot of all the times I was the "object" of a man's love, obviously as Gian's wrote once, it was mainly the play out of a cultural exchange we believe we have to go through for Sex, so many men would just use that point as the 'passpartout' into a woman's bedroom, but this could not happen unless the woman was equally pre-programmed and then self-programmed to crave for this 'declaration' as a point of self worth and self importance that allowed the bedroom door to open, hopefully 'diminishing' the fear that she will be used, or judged or left afterward, when men wake up and find their interest just gone, as 'what they really wanted' and got, extinguished the fake flame of "Love", if it was ever there to start with and they were not just blatantly manipulating by saying it, just as much as we manipulated ourselves by believing it.

Did we get the drift as women about how ridiculous this is yet? How would simple words such as 'I love you' be a guarantee of anything, including someone's 'honest' intentions for intimacy and getting to know another better, what substance do they carry if they are not lived out?

And doesn't the word Love immediately evoke Fear at the same time? Isn't the declaring Love a space in which one, if one cares to self investigate', will move immediately into the Fear of not being loved anymore? Is Love Fear after All?

When I was married I said 'I Love you' many times, to the point that I was asked to stop because 'it didn't sound real anymore', it was hurtful to hear this, but True.The reason why I said 'I Love you' so many times was because I didn't, I couldn't bring myself to the kind of excitement that I had associated with Love, plus as I said in my previous blogs, many of the cultural elements I had imprinted myself with as the 'defnition of Love' were missing, such as Possessiveness, Jealousy and ownership, hence it seemed necessary to fill those gaps with meaningless words as a layer of projected stability and forever-ness, the hope that if I kept repeating them they would come true, 'I love You' was my act of atonement for the self dishonesty with which I walked into my marriage and the very point that increased the self dishonesty I lived within it.

How utterly meaningless the words 'I love you' are was just brought home recently, to a deeper level than what I understood as I first begin walking this Process of Self Correction.

Back to the first line, I was loved a lot, a lot a lot, mostly and specifically when I was NOT around.

Isn't this weird?

If Love was real, wouldn't you Love more the "object" of Your Love when they are around then when they are not? Wouldn't Love be the commitment to each other to support each other unconditionally that doesn't even require those words to be expressed as both partners live them in their relationship as themselves, instead of a fantasy that generates a feeling that one goes off and lives in his/her own Mind, wouldn't Love Require the other person to be around at least, if Love was About The Other One at all?

But it is not. And this is why I was loved Best from Afar and I myself loved best and most from afar. Because you need 'the object and subject' of your Love to Not Be Around, as when they do they in fact stand in the way of our ability to generate this feeling which is based on a self created fantasy and so one can go and write poems and songs that are ethereal, eternal, untouched by the physical reality of things, unsoiled, and they can last forever, just as long as reality doesn't come in the way with its pettiness of having to adjust to sharing a space and make time work for both, working on how physical support can be given to each other, working on becoming considerate lovers, sharing responsibilities in the physical that have nothing to do with 'your aura like a dawn, your eyes like starry skies, your heavenly smell and how You make me feel' because no one is making us feel anything, all those things are self created which should be blatantly clear when we see that this "Love' we talk about and write about and sing about doesn't require the presence of another at all.

The best letters I received from my ex husband were prior to living together, the fantasy ended when I moved in, my first love asked me to marry him when I left to go back to Italy through a heartbreaking letter but I said NO, when I went back for him a few years later he said NO and then spent many more years writing about me.

Did that change my life in any way? NO. I didn't even know about it, but 'THAT was not the point, silly', I was un-required, inconsequential and furthermore blatantly demeaning to the fantasy had I ever showed up.

Which it did happen and I had the impression that while on one hand there was a moment of excitement, there was little to say because we never built a relationship or intimacy and so it was in fact the meeting of two strangers and possibly I did not play it out as well as in the self created fantasy, I did not give all the right answers, the right props to feed the fantasy and the awkwardness of Love coming to face with reality was palpably there, I was an uninvited guest in my own 'Love Story', piss off, let me Love you, please, don't come and spoil it all for me, will ya.

Was Love of any support through my Life for myself or others, both the one I was informed about and the one I informed others about? NO

Is Love selfish then? Absolutely. Love as a feeling is what I create for myself as a 'feel good experience' for which I in fact use another as a point of focus, so I can get to that experience I crave for, it doesn't include another, should You stick around too long, soon or later I will see something in You that I don't like in me and blame you for it and then My Love will come to an end, I would hate that, so please, I beg you, don't stick around.

Tomorrow I will walk this Love Character both from the giving and the receiving side of it to commit myself to stop my separation from Love as a word with no practical application in the physical, to redraw myself into Love beyond the selfishness of the positive experience I sought for myself with no regards to how could I live it as an expression of me, Equal and One for All, in and as a physical practical application of Self.

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