Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Day 279: I Can't Hear You because I insist on Being Me

I have experienced resistance and stress at the idea of seeing the lady that comes to me for massage.
She has mental problems and is on medication and when she comes she loops into the same questions over and over until I reach the irritation point.

The 'put yourself in her shoes' has not worked so far because I have put MySelf in her shoes and tried to address her questions as Me, which was impossible, the answer that would trigger me to a realization were only sending her deeper into depression and then, when I felt responsible for her and her depression due to how poorly I was handling this communication, I blamed her and the resistance to seeing her started to build up.

Then I had a chat with a friend and I saw what he was saying to me so clearly that I felt ashamed for how I had gone about this point.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that if I could be triggered into a self realization by some specific words or sentences, so should others, just because they would have worked for me instead of stopping myself from looking for ways to 'trigger' me to self realize something and the extend it to another but just bring myself Here so I can effectively Hear what is going on with this being AS me and address it as me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that she 'didn't want to get it' because I feared I was unable to communicate with her effectively and instead of taking self responsibility I rather blamed her for not getting my answer vs me not getting her questions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that if someone comes to me for support and I judge my support as not effective enough to help them to sort their mind out, I am being ineffective instead of seeing realizing and understanding I can't change another nor it is my job to but to stand in stability without going into reactions about why they are not changing to what I see would be most beneficial for them and their health

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that when I insist on being me, fishing through my life experiences for support in a moment when I allow myself to drift into my Mind for solutions, I can't hear what is being said to me because I am not Here but in my Mind filtering everything that is spoken through my own filters, judgements and past experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the difference between putting myself in someone's shoes vs being Here as them which is not the same thing, as when I put Me in their shoes I'm still Me and if I am Me I am separate and unable to hear what is going on Here that I need to address to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to insist on shaking this lady out of her comfort zone in the belief that this is what she needed, because that is what I would have needed, and when I saw the sign of extreme distress to blame it on her as someone who doesn't want to change instead of seeing my responsibility for what I was attempting to do that was causing distress in another for absolutely no good reason

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move myself into resistance at the idea of seeing this lady again because I made her responsible for how I perceived myself as ineffective and unsuccessful in helping her sort out herself in and as her mind, instead of seeing and realizing that I can only stand as an example of someone who is not battered and victimized by my own mind for her to see solutions to herself, if she is seeking for them and wants to make the decision to change and hence I was resisting having to face that I do not stand as an example because I was allowing myself to react to the point that she is not changing and for reacting to the fact that she is not changing out of her depression, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when the penny dropped and I saw that I have in fact been abusing her for my own personal desire to be one that can 'change people' as a healer vs just being Here to Hear what another says beyond my personalities, desires and expectations

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the point that she tries to make people around her responsible for her health without seeing, realizing and understanding she can't make me responsible for her unless I take on the responsibility in wanting to be more than I am for my own personal self aggrandisement which has nothing to do with what she is doing at any moment in time but with what I am allowing to boost myself and my Ego, which is then followed by a fall when my secret desires for her improvement as a testimony that I am effective and good at what I do, fail to show up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I am not good at sorting her and her depression out, she will go and badmouth me and I may lose my chance to build up a good reputation for me and within this for taking on the responsibility to sort her out to hold on to a good reputation and then resenting her and blaming her for having given me the responsibility of herself vs me having taken on this responsibility for self interest and fear for my future

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to spend hours in my mind thinking up all the speeches I could give her to make sure she understands that she is not my responsibility, when in fact it is me that didn't understand that she is not my responsibility due to my self interest in having her sorted out as a good reference for future clients and that when that became threatened and I feared she may be not pleased with what she received from me, to move into a defensive stance from which I could no longer Hear her as I was too busy trying to cover all my bases, and for this, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself faced with the point of interacting with another within a frame of a service that I give in exchange for money and I see I am moving or about to move into some fear, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I have to give a service at the best of my ability as a stance of who I am and not for any return of energy as positive feedback or good emotional return and when I see that I am moving into that expecting space, I stop, breathe, and bring myself back Here in and as Breath

When and as I see myself trying to read in between the words of another, in between the lines, looking for the fine print, I stop, breathe, see that I am in fact not Here because all those activities happen in and as me as the Mind, so I stop as the decision to stop and return myself Here to participate with what is real and not what I am making up or attempting to make up in and as me as the Mind

When and as I see myself wanting to have a specific outcome from a situation in the hope that I will feel good about myself and satisfied, I stop, breathe, remind myself that any expectation I set up for a future outcome sets me up for a disappointment, instead I practice being Here more consistently in and as Breath to face the moment for what it is and address it for an outcome that is best for All

I commit myself to catch myself when I try to be 'Me' as support for another so that I may STOP my Me-ness which is a point of separation and not a point of support for myself or others so, use breathing to earth myself so that I may expand myself beyond my Me boundaries and embrace what is Here in every moment of Breath

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