Sunday, December 30, 2012

Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership

It seemed romantic once. 
To think and say such things. Movies were full of them, the idea of ownership in and as Love, plus I come from a country where women are 'given away' in marriage, to symbolize the passage of ownership from father to husband. This was the reason why we didn't have a right to keep the maiden name either, because a property has to pass under the owner's name.

There are many things in our culture we don't even see, we just take them on board, they become normal, the exchange of the rings, the having the engagement ring given first, to say you have been booked, to emphasize that the process of ownership is underway, you are no longer free to fuck around basically, the engagement ring -engages a woman into a contract.

There are many other ways to say the same thing, I belong to you, will be yours forever, I won't be anybody else's but yours, it must be intended physically, because no one seems to have anything to say about the times they have sex with someone and think about someone else, so no one is after the ownership of someone else's mind, you can keep that one to yourself -have enough troubles with mine- so it's the ownership of the body, funny because everyone says how important the heart is, the soul is, and yet what we want to own of another is their body, we want to be sure no one else owns it, we put on it an exclusivity right, its safer, it makes us believe that it will last longer if one doesn't go around enjoying himself/herself with others least one gets to the point of comparison and we fall short on that.

So of course I have played this card many times, it goes with the 'I love yous' we say, its an extra flavour and dimension we add to it, we keep upping the stakes of the value we trade for a relationship, my love not enough? Have my body, take it, it's yours, forever.

When we take the time to look into our culture the ridiculousness of it all is impossible to miss, we make promises we can't keep, the body one is just one of many, how can we claim someone else's body or give away our own, where would we live then? How about when we go to work, do something not together, whose body is it then if not just mine and even during sex, whose body is it if not mine, if not me as the physical?

And yet we crave those declarations, they make us feel important, since we sold out everything, being owned by 'choice' seems not such a bad deal after all, I chose to give my body away...and how would that ever happen? HOW?

I have lived Love as ownership, trying to make people mine and be theirs, exchanging bodies on the meat market for value and a sense of security and ultimately, most important, to abdicate my responsibility for myself and give it to another, to the owner of my body, and then wondered why I lived like a Slave after choosing my Own Masters.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have memories of movies and books in which women said to a man 'I am yours' and to perceive an upliftement like if THAT was the point I should strive for, to be owned by someone, so since I did not own myself in full self responsibility, someone else would

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to own another so I could diminish the fear that I faced every time 'Love' came into the picture as something I had to now hang on to, feed, nurture and within this fear of losing what was never real I would create the desire to own someone so that the chances of losing them and the feelings I felt as positive feelings could last longer and be less threatened

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to own someone else and within this desire for ownership of another I forgive myself for supporting the whole master and slave relationship construct of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a high when I heard the words 'you are mine or I am yours' as if I had achieved something, as if owning someone of be owned added value to myself and the experience of myself because I was no longer alone and for fearing being alone to walk this physical experience believing I was not enough I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how good it would feel to hear the words 'you are mine - I am yours' as if that would be the arrival point of something, of love in its ultimate expression, without seeing realizing and understanding that anyone who wants to give themselves up in exchange for another is not whole and the foundation of such trade is fear and the belief of not being good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is whole until they find their twin soul, and for looking for my twin soul as an attempt to complete myself, to be appreciated, to be enough as I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would find him then I would experience myself differently and within this abdicating the responsibility of how I experienced myself at anytime to a chance meeting with a man to whom 'I could give myself'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out on all the symbolism of marriage and women 'given away' by fathers to another man as one of the point on which I built this belief that I don't own myself, that I am first "owned" and then "given away", which is why so much garbage came from the end of the relationship with my ex husband as I suddenly perceived myself 'not belonging to anyone' and therefore less than I was before when 'I did belong to someone'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest consequences for myself as a result of this 'Giveaway Character' that I played and resulted in me never feeling whole or worthy unless I belonged to someone and someone 'belonged to me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding I had just separated myself  into a Character in my Mind seeking for ownership and belonging as a point of worth and value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my separation into a 'not good enough character' expose myself to both external and internal manipulation in which anyone who would come and play this role would be welcomed as I would blind myself to looking if the potential relationship coming would be supportive for both me and another as an equal because I allowed myself to be driven by a Character in my Mind seeking ownership and belonging

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my desire/need to own another/belong to another live my times as a single woman as if I were lacking something, missing something, as if I were incomplete, idle, just waiting for the moment when I would own somebody/belong to somebody so I could go back to my patterns of Love/fear for another energy ride to feel alive and More than how I felt when not in an ownership/belonging relationship

When and as I see myself wanting to elicit the words 'I am yours' from another or to speak the words 'I am yours' to another, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, see realize and understand I am walking a Character and that if I do, whatever I create won't be real because a Character can't create anything real, as when I am in Character I am not being Here, self directive in and as breath and thus I am not real

When and as I see myself longing or moving into the longing of owning someone or belonging to someone, I stop and breathe, see realize and understand that this is not Love but ownership, just a program I run when and as I move into fear, instead I investigate what do I fear so I can release myself from this programming once and for all

I commit myself to correct myself every time I see I am about to walk into this Character of ownership/belonging or I see myself react to trigger words of the ownership/belonging Character, until I can stand stable in and as breath here in and as the physical for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

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